I have been writing down my history as part of my Camp NaNoWriMo project. I'm realizing that I've taken a very weird path to get to where I am. I am a very bad example of what would make a good heathen. I'm a very bad example of what would make a good Wiccan. I'm a terrible example of what would make a good Filianist/Déanist. And yet, here I am writing Filianic prayers and rituals. Here I am teaching my kids about the gods of the Norse peoples. Here I am functioning with parts and pieces of the Wiccan ritual format.
Stargazer told me if I remained on the path I was on that I would be rewarded. I've been struggling to do that of late. Depressive episodes and mixed episodes have really cut into my faith and left me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and I should take down my altar. The fact that people at school are indoctrinating my children into Christian thought bothers me to a degree that I struggle to put into words. I don't know who is doing it. But I want to personally kick their ass up around their ears.
I haven't yet heard the boys talking about how they are afraid that we're all going to go to hell. Mostly they've been hearing about how Jesus is a nice god. They've been hearing about the Christian holidays and getting excited about the idea of celebrating them. (They were not pleased when we didn't celebrate Easter like most of our neighbors complete with presents. They did get a small treat for Ostara and I gave them a gift back at the Equinox, but they didn't completely make the connection between the two.)
I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to raise a couple of pagans with out a local community to support me in the process. This is depressing and exhausting. I look at what the homeschooling Christians are doing to educate their children in their spiritual development to get ideas for what I can take and use. It is not going so great. I don't have the resources to make workbooks and packets. I don't have a book of scriptures (because there are so many different myths you don't get just one book and finding kid friendly books of mythology is hard) so I can't sit there and do 'scripture study' with them.
I'm debating introducing them to Filianism because it is structurally similar to Christianity. I'm just not sure if that is a good idea. After all, my eldest has decided to be a devotee of Zeus and gods only know where I'm going to start on helping him build that relationship.
Showing posts with label ranting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ranting. Show all posts
4/26/19
6/13/17
Ugh.
Waning Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 18 Days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, precip. expected later
Mild temps
~*~*~*~*~*~
I don't feel that great right now. My head hurts kinda bad, my body is generally just stiff and uncomfortable, and my lady bits are somewhere between hating me and indifferent to our mutual existence. I'm still depressed. It has made getting things done much harder.
But, I am making the attempt. A part of me says that it is going to do no good. Another part of me wants to bitch-smack the one saying terrible pessimistic things. It's a quiet conflict that happens in my head just about all the time in the background. When I'm depressed, the part that says horrible things to me is a bit louder. (And I know I am downplaying this, but I've been writing so much about feeling awful, I'm just tired of it.)
Loki has given me work to do. I'm trying to do it. But I'm not doing very well. At least, I feel like I'm not doing very well. He, however, says the fact that I am making the attempt is what is important. (This was after a few weeks of not making the attempt and him sending a bat at my head. As in, a literal little flying bat that got in the apartment and had me shrieking 'just go away' and 'leave me alone' as it kept swooping me. It was a fiasco to get it out, and it was acting strangely by doing things like attempting to land on me and crawling across the floor - and under my front door to get back into the apartment, it was alarming.)
I am exhausted. Today was a very ... uncomfortably warm day. I did some housework and stuff, but nothing too physically demanding because of my asthma acting up. I feel like a failure because I didn't get all the things done. I am trying not to indulge in that everything or nothing way of thinking. But it keeps tripping me up. I wish I was better. I wish that the bipolar just wasn't here. I wish that I could have my life back. I was going places, I was making things happen.
And then, one of my worst depressive episodes of all my life happened while I was pregnant. Which then turned into postpartum depression with psychosis. At which point, I was hospitalized and got the diagnosis of bipolar II. It was kinda a relief to know that I wasn't 'crazy' and that there actually was something going on for all those years that I was just told that I was being 'moody' and 'lazy'. But, between the BP, my cPTSD, and what feels like a metric ton of just my brain is broken now, I feel like there's no hope for me. I get afraid when I start feeling 'too good' that I'm going to launch into a manic episode and horrible things will happen. I don't know what horrible things would happen, but I'm afraid that they will happen.
I spend a lot of time depressed or numb. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Somedays I fear that it will only stop if I am dead. And, for maximum fail, my migraines are worse and slowly becoming more frequent. I look around and I ask, what did I do wrong to have all this happen to me? It is not a question of 'what gods did I make angry?' as much as, 'what are the things I've done to create this situation? how can I correct it? is correcting it even possible?'
Loki tells me I am taking the wrong perspective. He's likely to be right. I am just having a hard time seeing clearly now on multiple levels. And struggling with despair. I am doing my best not to let myself get sucked into that thinking but it is getting harder daily. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist in a little over a week. I'd go sooner but he's completely booked. I struggle with the feelings that I have some how earned divine wrath versus I am just that much of a fuck up that I made myself sick like this. Both perspectives are wrong, I logically get that. But my emotions and bad brain chemistry are insisting otherwise.
I hate this.
1/4/17
Struggling.
Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.
I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.
So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.
After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).
So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.
I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')
I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.
So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.
After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).
So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.
I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')
11/9/16
Burn it all down, child.
Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)
Sign: Pisces
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Seasonable, clearing skies
Drought Status: Severe
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sitting here trying to process everything with respect to the election. Signs of fire and disaster leading up to last night really should have been listened to more on my part. I, honestly, hoped that Trump wasn't going to get the electoral votes to secure the presidency. I was wrong. I am upset. I am deeply disturbed. And, I am angry.
I turned to Loki and asked him what the everloving fuck was going on with this result. His response was initially a rather dry 'Indeed.' Then, after a pause, he said, "Don't ascribe human stupidity to divinity." Unlike the other times where I see humans doing human things that are particularly WTF, he was not amused. He sounded tired. A good number of the other folks I know who have an active devotional relationship with Loki have been getting the same results when they inquire the same thing. This leads me to believe this is most definitely an accurate assessment of his position.
As the anger is rising in me, I note with some dark humor that Trump's victory is on the anniversary of Kristallnacht. It is a date that lives in infamy, to be honest. I now question if we will witness our very own version of this infamy in the near future. Pitchforks and torches may be the only good investment right now as all the global markets drop precipitously on the heels of Trump's victory.
One may wonder what this has to do with the meme I posted at the head of this entry. I am quietly being encouraged to hold on to my anger. I'm finding myself exhorted by so many subtle points right now (and I am pointedly avoiding active participation on social media today, I have been working on my novel instead) to hone it and forge my anger into a weapon of resistance. So, I am in the process of deciding what to do.
Fire cures everything, right? If it isn't cured, you have not applied enough fire to the problem, right?
3/21/16
Letters to Loki no. 33
Dear Loki,
My head feels like it is thick with mud, but I know that is just because I'm so congested from Cuddle Bear's cold, which he so generously shared with me. I don't know what to write at the moment. My physical symptoms aside, I still don't feel well. I have more energy and stuff, but I still feel depressed. I still find myself having self destructive thoughts.
I talked to my therapist about things. She got stuck on the concept of telling me that I have to ground myself in the present and 'tell all the cells in your body that it is in the past.' (I mentioned that I've been having problems with my c-PTSD and I guess she latched on to that.) I was... frustrated. The antipsychotic medication I'm on, apparently, is used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar. If that is the case, it really isn't working out that well. I'm trying to give the new medication time to work. I'm trying to give everything the chance to work out on its own. But, honestly, I'm worried that it won't.
A part of me wants to just run up the proverbial white flag and say 'fuck it, I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. might as well deal.' And then there is the rest of me that is soul deep angry. I can't fully put into words what I'm angry with. I'm angry that my care isn't what I think it should be. I'm angry with the fact that I have to go do this stupid shit to begin with. I'm angry with how I wound up in this position. And I am so utterly angry with the fact that my anxiety has gotten in the way of resolving much of the problem.
Most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I'm tired of the memory problems. I am struggling between the feeling that I want my life back and the resignation that this is the new normal. I hate feeling like this.
~ me
A part of me wants to just run up the proverbial white flag and say 'fuck it, I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. might as well deal.' And then there is the rest of me that is soul deep angry. I can't fully put into words what I'm angry with. I'm angry that my care isn't what I think it should be. I'm angry with the fact that I have to go do this stupid shit to begin with. I'm angry with how I wound up in this position. And I am so utterly angry with the fact that my anxiety has gotten in the way of resolving much of the problem.
Most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I'm tired of the memory problems. I am struggling between the feeling that I want my life back and the resignation that this is the new normal. I hate feeling like this.
~ me
6/23/15
Letters to Loki # 26 STFU Anxiety.
Hi Loki,
I have been having a hard time writing for you gods. It is not that I don't want to. I am just hitting a mental block on it all. I think the reason why has been my increased anxiety over the last little while. I thought that the incident a few weeks ago was something that I was pretty much over and I was fine. I have to admit, however, that I really am not.
Having somebody trespass into the apartment when I was sleeping was damn terrifying. With the locks being changed, I feel much safer. But I'm still a bit jumpy. I am glad that I woke up when I did. I'm glad that the intruder only poked around some papers sitting on the table and moved a few dishes on the counter as they talked to someone about me. I'm glad that they left with out taking anything or doing me any harm. These are things that I am thankful for. The fact that I managed to provide a decent imitation of someone deeply asleep despite the fact that I was awake and listening to them is another thing that I'm thankful for.
At the same time, having the back door open for a breeze at night when I'm attempting to sleep makes me uncomfortable (even though Beloved is sitting in the living room reading or doing whatever on his tablet). I know that this jumpiness will pass eventually. I just am still kinda unnerved by it. And then there is the business of the kids finishing school for the summer and my cousin's graduation. For some reason, I am really worrying about what I'm going to do with the boys while they're on break. I can't seem to stop. And you know how rough things are for me when it comes to dealing with my side of the family.
All this worry just overflows when I sit down to write and I wind up writing about that. I guess my therapist would say this is a good thing because it is helping me to process stuff. But it doesn't exactly help me write stuff for you guys. I want to write happy things. I want to write stuff that isn't so absorbed with my psych issues. But for the last few weeks, I've just been stuck on that topic. Mindless activity helps a little bit, but writing has never been mindless activity for me.
I am doing better about my issues eating. I've been eating three meals a day (making a point to eat the whole meal) even though I feel really repulsed by it. I am making a point of not weighing myself every day so that I don't start hyperfocusing on the number on the scale and start doing stupid things because of it. I checked my weight, though, a few days ago and it is maintaining the number I was at about a month ago. So, I'm not losing weight stupidly fast again. It is hard for me to cope with feeling out of control. I am, though, trying to do that and focusing on what I can do rather than what is happening that I can't manage.
My knee is healing up well. I've hit the point where it itches like crazy now rather than just hurting all the time. I am really glad that I didn't break anything when I fell down the stairs. Hearing that my grandmother broke her hip after a fall just served to reinforce the idea that I was lucky I didn't break a kneecap landing on my knees. I am also really thankful that Cuddle Bear didn't get more severely injured when he fell on his field trip yesterday.
I don't know if that was you or somebody else's work. But I am really, really thankful that he didn't get a concussion and all he has are minor scrapes. It's funny in a perverse fashion, because he has a scrape on his knee in just about the same spot that I do. It's been something that he has been commenting on. I think it makes the whole business less scary for him. Whatever helps make the matter less of a source of anxiety for him is something I'm going to be thankful for. I've been trying to get him to understand that he has to bend his knee so that the skin heals properly, but he's been resisting that (except for when he gets caught up in what he is doing and forgets to not walk normally). I'm thinking the trick to all of this might be keeping him too busy to mess with his bandages or do stuff like drag his leg when he walks.
I had a chuckle this morning when he decided that he needed to use my cane this morning. I treated it as he was being silly and the topic was dropped. If I'm lucky, he will have forgotten about this idea tomorrow and be more interested in going to school and playing with his friends. Also, if I'm lucky, my knees won't be giving me trouble tomorrow and I won't need my cane.
That's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I can't think of much else to write. I hope that the solstice was pleasant for you and Sigyn. It was just another busy Sunday at my house. If we get a lasting break in rainy weather, I'll make a point to get those daylilies that you told me she likes. They've just started blooming, so I think I can find a few nice ones for her. I'll catch up with you again soon.
I have been having a hard time writing for you gods. It is not that I don't want to. I am just hitting a mental block on it all. I think the reason why has been my increased anxiety over the last little while. I thought that the incident a few weeks ago was something that I was pretty much over and I was fine. I have to admit, however, that I really am not.
Having somebody trespass into the apartment when I was sleeping was damn terrifying. With the locks being changed, I feel much safer. But I'm still a bit jumpy. I am glad that I woke up when I did. I'm glad that the intruder only poked around some papers sitting on the table and moved a few dishes on the counter as they talked to someone about me. I'm glad that they left with out taking anything or doing me any harm. These are things that I am thankful for. The fact that I managed to provide a decent imitation of someone deeply asleep despite the fact that I was awake and listening to them is another thing that I'm thankful for.
At the same time, having the back door open for a breeze at night when I'm attempting to sleep makes me uncomfortable (even though Beloved is sitting in the living room reading or doing whatever on his tablet). I know that this jumpiness will pass eventually. I just am still kinda unnerved by it. And then there is the business of the kids finishing school for the summer and my cousin's graduation. For some reason, I am really worrying about what I'm going to do with the boys while they're on break. I can't seem to stop. And you know how rough things are for me when it comes to dealing with my side of the family.
All this worry just overflows when I sit down to write and I wind up writing about that. I guess my therapist would say this is a good thing because it is helping me to process stuff. But it doesn't exactly help me write stuff for you guys. I want to write happy things. I want to write stuff that isn't so absorbed with my psych issues. But for the last few weeks, I've just been stuck on that topic. Mindless activity helps a little bit, but writing has never been mindless activity for me.
I am doing better about my issues eating. I've been eating three meals a day (making a point to eat the whole meal) even though I feel really repulsed by it. I am making a point of not weighing myself every day so that I don't start hyperfocusing on the number on the scale and start doing stupid things because of it. I checked my weight, though, a few days ago and it is maintaining the number I was at about a month ago. So, I'm not losing weight stupidly fast again. It is hard for me to cope with feeling out of control. I am, though, trying to do that and focusing on what I can do rather than what is happening that I can't manage.
My knee is healing up well. I've hit the point where it itches like crazy now rather than just hurting all the time. I am really glad that I didn't break anything when I fell down the stairs. Hearing that my grandmother broke her hip after a fall just served to reinforce the idea that I was lucky I didn't break a kneecap landing on my knees. I am also really thankful that Cuddle Bear didn't get more severely injured when he fell on his field trip yesterday.
I don't know if that was you or somebody else's work. But I am really, really thankful that he didn't get a concussion and all he has are minor scrapes. It's funny in a perverse fashion, because he has a scrape on his knee in just about the same spot that I do. It's been something that he has been commenting on. I think it makes the whole business less scary for him. Whatever helps make the matter less of a source of anxiety for him is something I'm going to be thankful for. I've been trying to get him to understand that he has to bend his knee so that the skin heals properly, but he's been resisting that (except for when he gets caught up in what he is doing and forgets to not walk normally). I'm thinking the trick to all of this might be keeping him too busy to mess with his bandages or do stuff like drag his leg when he walks.
I had a chuckle this morning when he decided that he needed to use my cane this morning. I treated it as he was being silly and the topic was dropped. If I'm lucky, he will have forgotten about this idea tomorrow and be more interested in going to school and playing with his friends. Also, if I'm lucky, my knees won't be giving me trouble tomorrow and I won't need my cane.
That's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I can't think of much else to write. I hope that the solstice was pleasant for you and Sigyn. It was just another busy Sunday at my house. If we get a lasting break in rainy weather, I'll make a point to get those daylilies that you told me she likes. They've just started blooming, so I think I can find a few nice ones for her. I'll catch up with you again soon.
2/9/15
Letters to Loki # 11 (untitled)
Hey there Sly One,
I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.
The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.
It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.
I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.
I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.
Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.
I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.
The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.
It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.
I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.
I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.
Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.
2/3/15
Letters to Loki #10 : Have you seen my marbles? 'n stuff.
Hey there Flamehair,
Sorry about this being a day late. That snowday yesterday threw everything off. I am having a difficult time keeping an even temper over the last several days. I'm not sure if that means I'm going into a mixed episode or if I'm just ticked off with the kids. Either way, it's been hard to be happy about things.
I'm still working on that writing project. I'm getting worried, though, because I only have a few weeks before deadline and I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. I am trying to stay optimistic but it's been really hard. I managed 30 pages on the manuscript last Thursday and I thought I was going to pull that off today. I have utterly failed at that. It's somewhat shaken my confidence on that front.
I see some of your other god-bothered folk struggling and that upsets me. I know that everybody has different life experiences and different experiences of you. I get that. I also get that you're a frigging god and what I've got to say is worth about as much as spit in the ocean. I'm still going to make the attempt because somebody's gotta do it. You need to ease up on these guys. They're doing the best they can.
You keep telling me not to have such insanely high demands for myself. It's not cool that you turn around and do that with these other folk. You know we humans are fragile in some areas. Could you give a little bit more care for these people? You're not exactly helping your cause by taking the present approach with them. I know, I know you're a god and you see things differently then I do. I know that your priorities are way the fuck different from ours. I get that. But something's gotta give. These people may at some point just say 'fuck you, I'm done.' and leave.
People don't stick around to be hurt repeatedly. Yeah, I know, running from a god is not a successful thing by any stretch of the imagination. But that doesn't stop someone who is intent on getting out. You know that you win more people with sugar then vinegar. How about giving them more sugar then vinegar and being more understanding of their limitations? You do it for me, why can't you do it for them? I know I'm not that much special then other people. We all have to take our britches off to use the can.
I care about you. I know you want these people around or you wouldn't be involved with them at all. How about treating them with some of the care and consideration you give to me? It doesn't cost that much effort and it will probably get you better results then continually 'button mashing'. I may not know how gods work but I kinda have a few ideas about people.
I don't want to see you alienating people who have cared about you. I know what it's like to have people who cared about you just go away. It sucks and I don't want to see that happen for you. It was bad enough when people turned away wholesale in the past. Pushing them away when they're trying to work with you is kinda a dick move, man. Especially when you say you want them to be working with you.
Some folks are probably going to get pissed with this letter. I guess I apologize for that, because it wasn't my intent to piss people off. I'm just asking you cut these people some slack. We're all fragile, not just some of us. That's all I'm saying.
I apologize for the argument last night, by the way. I was the one being dick and I'm sorry. Thanks for not completely kicking my ass over it. Though I would have understood it. So, I guess I've let you know what's up. I've made my attempt at intercession and said what I needed to. If there's something I can do to help things out with those people who are struggling, let me know. Because I want to help you win friends and stuff.
Sorry about this being a day late. That snowday yesterday threw everything off. I am having a difficult time keeping an even temper over the last several days. I'm not sure if that means I'm going into a mixed episode or if I'm just ticked off with the kids. Either way, it's been hard to be happy about things.
I'm still working on that writing project. I'm getting worried, though, because I only have a few weeks before deadline and I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. I am trying to stay optimistic but it's been really hard. I managed 30 pages on the manuscript last Thursday and I thought I was going to pull that off today. I have utterly failed at that. It's somewhat shaken my confidence on that front.
I see some of your other god-bothered folk struggling and that upsets me. I know that everybody has different life experiences and different experiences of you. I get that. I also get that you're a frigging god and what I've got to say is worth about as much as spit in the ocean. I'm still going to make the attempt because somebody's gotta do it. You need to ease up on these guys. They're doing the best they can.
You keep telling me not to have such insanely high demands for myself. It's not cool that you turn around and do that with these other folk. You know we humans are fragile in some areas. Could you give a little bit more care for these people? You're not exactly helping your cause by taking the present approach with them. I know, I know you're a god and you see things differently then I do. I know that your priorities are way the fuck different from ours. I get that. But something's gotta give. These people may at some point just say 'fuck you, I'm done.' and leave.
People don't stick around to be hurt repeatedly. Yeah, I know, running from a god is not a successful thing by any stretch of the imagination. But that doesn't stop someone who is intent on getting out. You know that you win more people with sugar then vinegar. How about giving them more sugar then vinegar and being more understanding of their limitations? You do it for me, why can't you do it for them? I know I'm not that much special then other people. We all have to take our britches off to use the can.
I care about you. I know you want these people around or you wouldn't be involved with them at all. How about treating them with some of the care and consideration you give to me? It doesn't cost that much effort and it will probably get you better results then continually 'button mashing'. I may not know how gods work but I kinda have a few ideas about people.
I don't want to see you alienating people who have cared about you. I know what it's like to have people who cared about you just go away. It sucks and I don't want to see that happen for you. It was bad enough when people turned away wholesale in the past. Pushing them away when they're trying to work with you is kinda a dick move, man. Especially when you say you want them to be working with you.
Some folks are probably going to get pissed with this letter. I guess I apologize for that, because it wasn't my intent to piss people off. I'm just asking you cut these people some slack. We're all fragile, not just some of us. That's all I'm saying.
I apologize for the argument last night, by the way. I was the one being dick and I'm sorry. Thanks for not completely kicking my ass over it. Though I would have understood it. So, I guess I've let you know what's up. I've made my attempt at intercession and said what I needed to. If there's something I can do to help things out with those people who are struggling, let me know. Because I want to help you win friends and stuff.
1/31/15
TPE: B is for Belligerent
Belligerent is not a word most people think of in a positive aspect. Honestly, it is the case of my turning the concept on its ear right now, because belligerent almost always has a negative connotation. You know what else has a negative connotation? Not being part of the mainstream religious set. The farther you move away from that mainstream activity and the more pressure you get from society to bend back into their comfortable norms. The problem is, the norms are comfortable for THEM and not YOU.
When confronting this as a young woman, I got angry. Then I got belligerent. When people did things like called me Satan's whore, I didn't just shrug off their comment. I got right back in their faces and challenged them to prove it. I demanded that they produce evidence that their accusations held water. This lead to a few narrowly avoided physical confrontations and my locker being the target of theft several times. It was, however, something that I just couldn't 'ignore' them and hope it would go away.
People say that if you ignore bullies they'll go away. That's not exactly true. They'll keep at it until they are satisfied with the damage they caused. This means that they'll escalate the harassment until they get the reaction they want out of you. I got belligerent and dug my heels in when I hit the point that the harassment became unmanageable by non-confrontational means. I had people tell me that I was getting angry over nothing, but they weren't in the position of having people telling you all the time that your way of life was wrong and that you deserved what you got (and worse) because you simply weren't Christian. They weren't in a position where they had to struggle with the question of if you said or did the wrong thing, would the bullies go after your younger siblings. (That happened once. That bully had the misfortune of taking on all three of us at once due to that. And we didn't fight fair, we fought with what ever worked. My only regret about that instance is that we didn't draw blood from that little shit.)
Sometimes, you just can't be passive. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and get ready to fight. The trick is recognizing what battles are worth waging and what ones are not. In the USA, there's been an uptick in the 'conservative' Christian rhetoric. It has lead to people who just want to practice their religion in peace being the subject of harassment that goes beyond someone spitting on your and having terrible things to say about you, your family, and what their opinion of your afterlife is going to be. People are being told that they can't have a church because its not some flavor of Christianity. People are being told that they can't participate in public prayer because they're not part of that accepted group. There are people who are dealing with their lives and livelihoods in danger all because they're openly practicing their religion.
I wish it was as simple as screaming Odin and beating the piss out of the biggest jerk in the room. But we're not kids in the schoolyard anymore. And anyways, the schoolyard has become a more dangerous place over the years. A shoving match and a few punches have been morphing into collective beat-downs. (Do a few google searches on the topic of violence in schools and you'll find evidence of it. It's repulsive.) Now, we have to fight smarter. We have to take the fight into the courts and press it as high and as far as it will go. We have to take the fight into the larger community and reveal the bigots for what they are, generally the western equivalent of the nutjobs who are out there as terrorists in the world. When it becomes necessary to defend ourselves with force, we must always make a point of never being the one who starts the fight and always being the one who finishes it.
We need to get angry and be belligerent. Nobody is going to ride to our rescue. We have to do it ourselves. And if we don't do it, how much worse is it going to be for the next generation? Because these kinds of problems don't just go away. They fester and get worse as time progresses.
When confronting this as a young woman, I got angry. Then I got belligerent. When people did things like called me Satan's whore, I didn't just shrug off their comment. I got right back in their faces and challenged them to prove it. I demanded that they produce evidence that their accusations held water. This lead to a few narrowly avoided physical confrontations and my locker being the target of theft several times. It was, however, something that I just couldn't 'ignore' them and hope it would go away.
People say that if you ignore bullies they'll go away. That's not exactly true. They'll keep at it until they are satisfied with the damage they caused. This means that they'll escalate the harassment until they get the reaction they want out of you. I got belligerent and dug my heels in when I hit the point that the harassment became unmanageable by non-confrontational means. I had people tell me that I was getting angry over nothing, but they weren't in the position of having people telling you all the time that your way of life was wrong and that you deserved what you got (and worse) because you simply weren't Christian. They weren't in a position where they had to struggle with the question of if you said or did the wrong thing, would the bullies go after your younger siblings. (That happened once. That bully had the misfortune of taking on all three of us at once due to that. And we didn't fight fair, we fought with what ever worked. My only regret about that instance is that we didn't draw blood from that little shit.)
Sometimes, you just can't be passive. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and get ready to fight. The trick is recognizing what battles are worth waging and what ones are not. In the USA, there's been an uptick in the 'conservative' Christian rhetoric. It has lead to people who just want to practice their religion in peace being the subject of harassment that goes beyond someone spitting on your and having terrible things to say about you, your family, and what their opinion of your afterlife is going to be. People are being told that they can't have a church because its not some flavor of Christianity. People are being told that they can't participate in public prayer because they're not part of that accepted group. There are people who are dealing with their lives and livelihoods in danger all because they're openly practicing their religion.
I wish it was as simple as screaming Odin and beating the piss out of the biggest jerk in the room. But we're not kids in the schoolyard anymore. And anyways, the schoolyard has become a more dangerous place over the years. A shoving match and a few punches have been morphing into collective beat-downs. (Do a few google searches on the topic of violence in schools and you'll find evidence of it. It's repulsive.) Now, we have to fight smarter. We have to take the fight into the courts and press it as high and as far as it will go. We have to take the fight into the larger community and reveal the bigots for what they are, generally the western equivalent of the nutjobs who are out there as terrorists in the world. When it becomes necessary to defend ourselves with force, we must always make a point of never being the one who starts the fight and always being the one who finishes it.
We need to get angry and be belligerent. Nobody is going to ride to our rescue. We have to do it ourselves. And if we don't do it, how much worse is it going to be for the next generation? Because these kinds of problems don't just go away. They fester and get worse as time progresses.
1/30/15
I'm not a fuzzy bunny.
Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from
the west, intermittent flurries
Snow pack: approx 3 in
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I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.
I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.
It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise.
The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?
1/9/15
Rant re: Your Native American Totem meme
Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 18 days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: bitter cold, lake effect snow
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've seen this meme flying around Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is on other social media platforms too. It is a click-quiz that proposes to determine what your "Native American Totem" is. I've seen several variations of this meme over the last few years (if not longer) and I am rapidly hitting a point where I want to poke people with a stick for posting it. I recognize that all things Native American are popular in fashion and pop culture right now. Their version of Native American chic is a repulsive lampooning of these dignified cultures and should be rejected.
I can understand if someone who is fairly new to the idea of animal spirit guides latches on to the idea that the Native Americans know more about it then the rest of us. It is intimidating to start researching spirit guides, especially when you come at it from an angle that doesn't seem to have much going on from your background (for example Asatru doesn't really have an official line on animal spirit guides). It is tempting to use something from another background because it is 'ready made' and can theoretically be applied by most anyone with a minimal amount of research.
There is, however, a big problem with that. It is called cultural appropriation. This is when someone assumes elements from another culture into their own activities with out any sensitivity or consideration for the original source of the material. A fine example of this, with the Native American cultures, is the use of warbonnets as a fashion prop. For the cultures that warbonnets originate from (and by the way, the Native Americans have multiple cultures and its an idiot who thinks there is only one), a warbonnet is both formal military dress and military honors. Wearing a warbonnet as a fashion statement is like putting on a full formal USMC uniform with a bunch of ribbons and medals that you not only haven't earned but you're not even remotely attached to the USMC and wearing it. Sadly, however, there are people who feel that stealing things such as warbonnets and wearing them for fashion are appropriate because the cultures they are taking from are 'defeated.'
There is a lot wrong with the idea of stealing from another culture. It is even more offensive when you are doing so from one that has suffered mightily at the hands of the 'dominant' culture. It is rubbing salt into those old wounds after forcibly reopening them whilst denying that there is anything wrong with that behavior. It is utterly callous and disgusting to do so. Now, there are ways to borrow elements from another culture with out engaging in cultural appropriation. When the elements adopted are done so from a position of respect and scholarship, it makes it possible for the person adopting those elements to do so in a manner that honors the original culture.
Now, some people may be wondering if an animal spirit guide is the sole property of the Native American cultures. While the concept is heavily influenced by how scholars (both professional and hobbyist) interpret the concepts from Native American cultures, the modern take on animal spirit guides really has developed into something different and unique to our time. While it is tempting to say that these ideas are for the really serious modern shamans, the modern understanding of animal spirit guides is fairly accessible to most anyone. The people who apply the label 'Native American' to these concepts (which are what is pretty much always shown in these memes) do so out of an attempt to 'legitimize' the concept by associating it with an older culture and earlier era.
This, however, is not necessary. I have friends who are modern, urban shamans that work with animal guides all the time. They don't paint things in the terms of 'Native American' anything because they don't need to. What they are using works with out any need to 'legitimize' it. While they recognize that there are some common elements between the animal guides of Native American cultures, they own the fact that what they are working with is a product of our society and era, of our culture. And that is more then ok.
I just wish that more people took that approach, to be honest.
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