Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)
Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from
the west, intermittent flurries
Snow pack: approx 3 in
I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.
I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.
It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise.
The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?