9/29/15

Basic hex breaking spell.

Full Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)
Sign: Aires
Weather: Cool, rainy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This spell is a good general purpose spell for breaking hexes.1 It is not very complicated and the resources for it are fairly easy to acquire. It can be worked at any phase of the moon, but it is most effective during the waning phase.

Items Needed:
  • 3, 5, or 7 thorns (ground to powder in a mortar and pestal)
  • fireproof container with a layer of sand
  • charcoal
  • source of open flame (a lighter works for this)
Ritual
  1. Place the charcoal into your fireproof container. Light it.
  2. After the charcoal is no longer emitting open flame, drop powdered thorns on to it. Recite incantation while doing so.
  3. Let charcoal burn to ash. Dispose of the ashes by burying in a place they will not be disturbed or into running water. (Yes, turning on the sink and casting the ashes into the stream will work in a pinch.)
Incantation

Burn away. Burn away to ash. Curses, baleful malice, and harm passes away. Your power is ashes, blown away with the wind

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. I use the term hex here in the colloquial sense, meaning a malevolent spell or psychic assault.

9/28/15

Letters to Loki No. 35

Full Harvest Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Aires
Weather: Cloudy, light rain, warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Helpingest of Helpers,

I am really glad that I have been up all morning. I have had a really productive day so far. And the best part is that I'm not manic. I'm just awake, alert, and well rested. I feel like myself pre-bipolar. It is a feeling that I relish. I spend so much time depressed and not feeling well, this is a delightful change. I am trying to decide what I am going to do next, because I just finished up doing a bunch of writing. I feel that I need to take a break, I just can't decide if I'm going to wash dishes or fold laundry.

I have been thinking about the arguments we had last week. I really do see your point. I am not entirely sure how to resolve the problem, though. I know that my self-talk is really horrible when I feel depressed. And apparently when I don't sleep well it just makes it worse. I feel like changing it is going to take forever. It makes me frustrated and a little cranky. That is, when I am in my right mind. When I'm not well, it just makes everything awful and me ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I am really sorry about that.

I am looking at today and trying to decide what to do with this gift. Because today's feeling well really is a gift. A part of me wants to do something special but I am kinda drawing a blank. I am glad that you enjoyed the wine I poured out for you last night. It really is a surprisingly nice one for being so inexpensive. It makes me smile that you also enjoy the sweet wines too. Sweet alcohol is awesome. On your suggestion of getting that Gumption cider from Woodchuck, that is probably the best hard cider I have had in a long time. Seriously, thank you for pointing it out to me. I noticed it was the last one on the shelf. I hope that this doesn't mean it was the last of the stock, because I'm thinking about getting some more next week.

I laughed as I was getting ready to write that post about cartomancy and the joker kept jumping out of the deck. I know it is your card. It still made me giggle. Especially with you saying 'hey, watch this. imma gonna do a magic trick.' I'm glad that you are feeling happy and silly right now. It is good to have someone to be silly with.

9/25/15

Yes, I get the point.

Waxing Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 11 Days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Warm, fair skies, light breeze
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So, the last several days had me arguing with Loki. Freyr basically threw up his hands after I was bickering with him, over the same matter, and told Loki he could deal with it. This turned in to him and I have a couple of loud arguments. And, in the end, I was upset with myself, the situation, and my psych issues. I also conceded the point that they had been making. While Loki and Freyr assure me that they're not upset with me, I still find myself concerned that they are.

What were we arguing about? My lack of faith in myself. My stubborn insistence that I do everything myself, even when I actually do need help. My resistance to accepting that there are wonderful qualities about myself. I feel kinda ashamed that I argued over this stuff. I am not happy with these qualities about myself and I have been trying to resolve the problems they create. But sometimes I can't manage it because I get so caught up in the unhealthy thinking that fuels them.

After seeing me flail around with it for the umpteenth time, Freyr decided he had to have a conversation with me about it. It started off pleasant. It was clear he is concerned and wants to help me. Then I got this wrongheaded idea that I couldn't be helped and that I deserved all the misery I was putting myself through. Freyr tried to get me to see reason but I just couldn't do it. That was when he threw up his hands and told Loki it was his turn to try.

Loki didn't start off with something sweet and calm. No, he barged in like the Kool Aid man and demanded to know why I did this stuff to myself. This turned into my arguing that it wasn't his problem. That was the wrong thing to say. Did he ever get angry with that, oh boy. I suppose that you could say it was when the fight started. Things quickly progressed to my screaming at him that he was wrong about me, that I genuinely didn't deserve help because I hadn't earned it, and this convoluted thing where I was basically regurgitating all of the negative stuff I had said to me when I was young. And he was shouting back at me that I needed to stop and listen to what was coming out of my mouth, that I had no clue about what was right or wrong about how others viewed me, and that I didn't get to choose if I had earned help or not. And I was quite loudly reminded that I don't get to choose how other people feel about me or what they do with respect to me.

I was kinda cowed into silence by that. I reluctantly conceded he was right. He just kinda fixed me with an irate glare, declared me damn stubborn, and went poof. There was a lot of silence after that. Most of the dead were quiet and basically staying the fuck out of the way in case the fight started again. Silence like that, when I am used to there being some level of constant psychic background noise, makes me really uneasy. And, on top of that, the mental back brain chatter of characters for my writing was quiet. Like someone flipped a switch and nothing I could do turned it back on.

The next day, I guess it was around the middle of the day, Loki showed up. He was brooding and distinctly not happy with me. The second argument wasn't quiet as loud. He demanded to know if I 'got it.' I retorted that I had no clue what he was talking about. And things just kinda went downhill from there. The conclusion of that disagreement was Loki demanding to know why I wasn't going to let anyone help me when I needed it. I replied with I didn't deserve help. He got angry with that. He gave me a hard look and said something about 'Well, we're going to fix that." Then he went poof again. I felt awful about it all. Which moved from being upset that I had made him angry and made him worry to my kicking myself to my basically telling myself how worthless I was.

I was in the midst of that when Loki was back again. I had a vision of myself trying to fill a sieve with water and carry it to the river bank. Water kept pouring out, because it was a sieve. I kept getting angry and upset with it. And Loki sat on the other side of the river watching me. After the fifth or sixth iteration of this, he said, "You're using the wrong tool." and held up a bucket.  I opened up my mouth to argue that the sieve was the tool I was given to complete the task. He cut me off saying, "All of your anger wont fill the holes. It wont magically turn the water into ice."

I shouted at him, "What the hell am I supposed to do when the damn bucket is on the other side of the river? I can't fucking swim this." That was when he smiled, this was a distinct difference from when I had previously started arguing with him. It was a suggestive look. I guess a part of me would have gotten uncomfortable with it in the middle of this context but I was too angry to be anything other than angry. 

He holds up the bucket and says in a suggestive tone, "You could always ask me to bring it to you. I'll do it for a price." That made me so angry that I couldn't speak. After a little bit of glaring at him and wanting to throw the sieve at him, I did manage to get something out.

I spat in a bitter tone, "There's always a price. Anyways, this is something I'm supposed to do on my fucking own." He laughed at me. Proceeded to tell me how attractive I was when I was angry. Which again had me speechless with anger. Then he said added something to the effect of 'you don't think clearly when you're angry, do you?' That was when Loki basically turned into two different versions of himself. One was the world breaker aspect and the other was the trickster aspect. (I see them both differently. I may be weird, but it is how it happens for me.)

Trickster!Loki is by my side on the bank with World-Breaker!Loki on the other side holding the bucket. Trickster!Loki says, "I could always push you in. Then it would be full all the time." I declared that Trickster!Loki wasn't helping and finally threw the sieve at the ground. Then World-Breaker!Loki said, "Well, there's..." and Trickster!Loki finished, "A step in the right direction." I wanted to throw something at him. I really did, I mean, I was so angry I was shaking. Then Trickster!Loki walked up and took my face in his hands as his eyes turned the color of World-Breaker!Loki's. I tried to look away, but he didn't let me. Then he asked me in a voice that was a combination of both aspect's voices, "Are you done being stubborn now?"

Then I started crying and tried to look away or turn away from him. Again, he didn't let me. He was very calm. All the anger from the last couple of days was never there, like it never happened. Instead, he asked me to let him help me. That was when I sobbed that I wasn't allowed. He brushed the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs and told me to let him love me. That just made me cry harder. His hands became very warm, like as if I had come in from the bitter cold and he put his hands, which were being warmed by a fire, against my cheeks. Feeling ugly from crying, I managed to choke out that I felt I was too scarred and ugly for him.

He laughed again and asked me if I had recently looked at his face. So, I try to hide my face in my hands, but he takes hold of them and presses them to his chest over his heart. I just stood there and cried. He told me, "Waking up is the most hopeful thing you can do when all you want to do is sleep. Eating is the most hopeful thing you can do when you want to starve. Continuing to try is the most hopeful thing to do when everything in you says it is hopeless. Staying alive is the most hopeful thing to do when all you want to do is die. And hope is courage."

Then everything changed. This time, I was at the water's edge with a bucket in my hands. I had it full of water and I was trying to pull it up out. He said, "Once more, with feeling." I felt heartbroken. He tells me that I paid his price with my honesty. As I try to lift the bucket out of the water, it is so heavy that it hurts my hands. As in, it hurts them to the point where I start to cry in frustration and pain. Then he steps up to my side and puts his hands over mine. He tells me not to give up. I keep trying to raise it up and the pain is such that my hands feel like they're burning, and the bucket is only a few inches up out of the water. He keeps encouraging me. When my strength starts to fail, he tells me to keep trying. I weep that I can't because I'm not strong enough. He laughs and teases me about the kinks I have. 

Somehow, we get the bucket out of the water and carry it to the side of the river. I'm hurting so much that I can't speak or see straight. After the bucket gets set on the ground, I hold my hands against myself, just wordlessly crying in pain. Loki takes me in his arms. Praises me for being stubborn and brave. He kisses my palms and the pain recedes. He tells me that it will be easy now that the first bucket is out. He tells me that he is going to help me. I start to argue that I am not allowed help and he cuts me off telling me, "I'm going to help you. If you want it or not."

I've been thinking about the bucket thing. I've been thinking about the arguments. And I've been thinking about my psychological problems. I think the bucket thing was referencing my work to resolve my psych problems. Right before I posted this, I think I got a message from him. A meme randomly flashed up on my facebook before vanishing (and I can't find it now for the life of me). The meme said, "You believed in Santa for 8 years. You can try believing in yourself." And I think, I'm not sure, but I think that's where all of this is leading.

I think it is another case of walk forward or be dragged, either way I'm going forward.

9/23/15

How to create a basic talisman.

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Seasonable, fair skies
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Items required:
  • small object that can be carried on one's person or worn
  • blessed salt water
  • lit stick of incense

Ritual:
  1. Hold object in the hand which is used to project energy (most frequently the dominant hand).
  2. Envision the object filling with energy focused upon the purpose of the talisman.
  3. When object feels 'full' pass it through the incense smoke, sprinkle with salt water, and recite incantation.
  4. Carry or wear object regularly in order to use. If you feel it is losing effectiveness, cleanse the object and repeat the ritual.

Incantation:

This [name of object] is blessed with [purpose] energy. It is full and powerful. Let this power be fixed by fire and air. Let this power be fixed by water and earth. As I will, so shall it be.

Notes: 

Incantation can be adapted to different purposes. Keep the lines from "It is full ..." onward. Can include appeal for deities to bless object.

9/21/15

Letters to Loki No. 35 - Improvements.

Dear Loki,

Over the course of last week, I found myself gradually feeling better mood wise. I'm now back at my normal middle of the road mood. I am glad that I am feeling better because it is awful to feel that way. I have been doing my best not to resist the cycling of my moods but I have to consciously remind myself of that. Maybe after a little while, I will get better about it. Right now, I am just doing my best to treat myself with compassion and stop putting ridiculous demands on myself.

I have reached a point where I have found all of my volumes of my book of shadows. I have been flipping through them and feeling a mixture of overwhelmed by how much material is there and nostalgic. The stuff from my early days of this journey is so idealistic. There's a measure of romanticism there that is somewhat charming. Also, I find the attempts of my younger self to explain magic to be amusing to read.

I am in the early stages of organizing that whole mess. I've got a notebook that I am writing all the spells in. I am amused that so far I have more curses in here than anything else. I don't curse people often but I seem to have collected a number of them over the years. In looking at the trends, you can see where my interests and curiosity have gone over the years. The more 'left hand path' type of magic is a consistent thing in my research and study. I suppose my attempts to understand and be adequate with that type of magic has been a big portion of my studies over the years. I can't help but be a little bit amused by all of this.

9/20/15

Spell to Ward off Ill Wishes

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 6 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable temps
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This spell is a simple one. With only five steps, it is a good one for beginners and experienced practitioners alike. I have found this to be useful to keep the malefic magic of others out of my home. It can also be repeated and used in a work environment, simply keep the jar on your desk. If you are using this spell in a location where others might be inquisitive about it, you may want to use a jar with opaque glass or colored glass. This way it looks to be more of a decorative object than something just sitting with no apparent purpose.

Items Needed:
  • 1 small glass jar with lid
  • 10 to 20 slips of paper
  • Crumpled scraps of paper that will fill the jar
  • Red inked pen
  • Sealing wax
Ritual:
  1. Select one slip and write your name on it. On remaining slips, write gibberish. Fold all slips.
  2. Fill jar with slips of paper and crumpled paper at random intervals. Use first intonation as completing this step.
  3. Draw an eye on the inside of the lid. Use second intonation while completing this step.
  4. Close jar and seal with wax. Use final intonation for this step.
  5. Place sealed jar at entrance into dwelling, where it may be visible. 
Intonations:
  1. Many slips of paper lie. Many scraps between. Never shall you find me with your baleful eye.
  2. Watchful gods and spirits turn away the evil eye.
  3. Safety and goodness sealed within, let my magic's might begin. 

9/15/15

Letters to Loki No. 34 - Screaming mad?

Hail Chaos Bringer,

I've been really struggling with my bipolar. I have been feeling like my body has betrayed me and that all of this is a result of my not being strong enough to resist it. I grieve and then I am numb. Then shaking fury rolls over me and I have to work very carefully not to let it loose on undeserving victims. I feel like I'm tumbling into screaming madness.

It is very, very hard to resist the urge to fight this descent. I hate the sensation of falling now. When I was small, I loved it because it felt like flying. Somewhere over the years, the feeling of falling became connected with pain and powerlessness. Thus, as I fall deeper into depression, I grow more panicked. From the panic come anger. And the anger terrifies me, which makes me even more fearful. Which depresses me further even as I get angrier. I am struggling not to turn this anger on myself but it is very, very difficult.

I know the plane is crashing. I know I need to jump and parachute to safety. I also know that if I don't jump, you'll kick me out of the plane. I don't know, have I just jumped, am I jumping, or did I get kicked out of the plane? I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I feel horrible and I'm rapidly feeling worse with each passing day.

I'm terrified of hearing the voices again. I have been having headaches, like I do when the voices try to breakthrough the medication. I am so afraid that I am literally shaking as I type this. What if I'm not strong enough to resist them? What do I do? You're smart. You can talk your way out of anything, just about. Perhaps you can help me figure out some sort of clever words to calm my mind or at least outfox this fear.

9/11/15

Letters to Loki No. 33: Writing it all down.

Dear Silver Tongue,

I have been working on recording all of my spells in one place as you have encouraged me to do so. I'm starting with the ones that I haven't had written down. As I have been working on this, I have come to the conclusion that I know quite a few curses. It is interesting, because I don't use curses very often. Still, they seem to outnumber the other spells.

My love spells are a lot more fancy than the curses. Well, most of the curses. I have one that has quite a few steps. I find myself wondering if the love spells are low on my list of spells because I haven't had to use them very much at all. My healing spells are almost as high in number as my curses, thus far. I am not sure how to classify some of my other spells, however. This business of organizing my magic notes is becoming more complicated with each page.

Either way, however, I will get this done. I hope that I can find more 'happy' spells because thus far the ledger falls more on the unpleasant side.

Curses: Thorns

Old Corn Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This is an inversion of my hex/curse breaking spell. When casting a curse, be aware that some measure of the energy will come back to you. Distancing yourself from the physical materials that are still charged with the curse reduces the degree of that energy returning to you. Proper disposal of spell materials can serve to ground the energy coming back to you off of the curse.

Items Needed:
  • 1 candle (preferably black, but any other color may work. A candle chosen with the color associated with the target will be especially effective if you do not have a black candle.)
  • scented oil with a fragrance associated with the target
  • 3, 5, or 7 thorns (well dried out and sharp)
  • source of open flame (a lighter is a good option)
Procedure:
  1.  Anoint the candle with the oil, envisioning the candle as the target of the spell.
  2. Drive your thorns into the candle at random intervals, seeing them in your mind's eye stabbing the target. Hold this focus through the next two steps.
  3. Burn the candle completely.
  4. Recite the following incantation whilst burning candle.
  5. Bury any left over wax and the thorns where the target may come into contact with them. (i.e. a place they would step over them or physically come into contact with them.) 
  6. If target is long distance, bury the remains where refuse is disposed. (Disposing of them in the garbage is a good option.)
Incantation:

All sorrows befall you. All evil strikes you. No safety awaits you. Endlessly, I curse you, [target's name] by flame and pain to misery and strife in all your life. 

9/5/15

Awkward things re: gods and their wants.

Last Quarter Corn Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Hot, sultry, and uncomfortable
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes the gods specifically request things that I'm not 100% comfortable with. I recognize that a lot of my hang ups are unhealthful for me. And that these requests are serving a dual purpose. That said, it gets really awkward on a semi-regular basis now. I think the most difficult thing for me, right now, is the devotional erotica. Because most of what I have been writing is what I've experienced with them. And I have never been fully comfortable talking about my sex life. I have a hard time writing erotic letters to my husband, whom I've know for 30+ years. And saying it verbally, that just doesn't happen with out my turning the color of a tomato.

Them wanting the last of the alcohol, which I was hoping to have, to them telling me how they want me to dress once in a while, it gets uncomfortable. I know that I have autonomy. I know that I can tell them know. I also know that telling them no leads to some upset and makes domestic harmony a bit challenging. The times where I've told them no, it is because I just can't bring myself to do something. And they will grumble about it but let the matter drop for a while. Then they ask again, because I might have changed just enough that it will be possible.

The one thing that they've never asked is for me to put aside my health and welfare. (In fact they get quite upset when I am not taking care of myself properly. And, boy, do I hear about it.) And they've never asked that I compromise my relationships with my husband or my children. And I don't think they'll ever do that. I think that gods have hard limits too. And those might be two of 'em.

I try to push through the awkwardness and make things happen. It doesn't go gracefully or as I think it should in my ridiculously excessively high standards. But, it gets done. And I guess that is what matters. I can be uncomfortable and still do things.

9/1/15

Defensive Confusion Counter spell No.2

Items needed:
  • candle
  • 4 mirrors arranged in an open box shape
  • source of live flame (a lighter is an acceptable option.)
  • anointing oil or a bit of your personal scent (i.e. perfume or cologne)
Ritual:

  1.  Create ritual space as per preferred methods. Invoke spiritual allies and helpers as needed.
  2. Place the candle within the center of the box formed by the mirrors. Ensure the mirrors are aligned to reflect each other and the candle as completely as possible.
  3. Anoint the candle and envision your energy streaming into the candle.
  4. Light the candle while reciting the incantation.
  5. Allow candle to burn down completely.
  6. Place wax remnants in a secure location where they can not be disturbed. Inside a small glass container and buried at a secret location is traditional.
Incantation:
Countless flames burn. Only one is me. All your efforts to find me are lost in illusion. You shall weaken and I will remain free.

Notes regarding manifestation:

This spell has swift results. It enhances the effectiveness of psychic shields used by the caster. It serves to diffuse and scatter energy cast towards the defender.

Letters to Loki No. 32

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 17 Days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Sultry, sunny, and still air
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Sly One,

It has been difficult to write to you. I get anxious that what I have to say will annoy you or otherwise displease you. I have been working on the off-line journal, but that has been difficult too. I know that I need to get a better sense of my value. I know that I need to stop perseverating on all the things that could go wrong and just do it. It has been terribly hard to do it, though. My problems sleeping have returned. My anxiety is going up again. I know that this is the beginning of the bad time of year for me. I'm so angry, honestly, with the fact that it is happening again. I had this idea that with the right medications, I would be 'normal' and not have this disability.

I am getting to the point where I don't want to go out of the house again. I've been forcing myself to do it. The boys and I were at the park pretty much all day today and most of the day yesterday. My therapist says that isolating myself is a habitual thing and if I break the habit socializing wouldn't be so hard. I am attempting to just be physically in a location where I might interact with people. It is becoming hard to do. I just find myself wanting to hide from everyone and everything until this sense that I am awful will pass.

I have been forcing myself to work on my writing more. A part of me says I should give up on all this. It says that the lack of response from readers is a sign that what I'm writing is pretty much worthless. It says that I will never amount to anything with my writing and that it is a childish dream that has gone too far. I battle that voice in my head every day. I am hoping that writing in my therapy journal on a daily basis will help me process what ever is behind that horrible self talk. 

I know that you know what I'm struggling with. I know that you want to help me. And that you do, often when I don't have the presence of mind to ask for it. I still feel like this struggle is a sign that I am defective and that someone stronger wouldn't have these mood swings or anxiety. I'm pretty sure that is the fruit of how I was raised and how society treats mental illness. I don't like it. I try to keep it out of my thoughts but when I'm feeling like this, I just can't shake it.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I am apologizing for but I feel like I need to. So, I apologize. I love you Loki. I want to see you happy and prosperous. I don't want to hold you back from your joy. You've had so much sorrow. I want to give you greater joy to balance out all of the grief. I am, however, not feeling up to the task. I feel little, worthless, and hurt. I'm working on it with my therapist but I doubt how much it helps. I've been in therapy for the better part of 20 years. Wouldn't I have resolved some of this by now?