Waxing Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 11 Days)
Weather: Warm, fair skies, light breeze
So, the last several days had me arguing with Loki. Freyr basically threw up his hands after I was bickering with him, over the same matter, and told Loki he could deal with it. This turned in to him and I have a couple of loud arguments. And, in the end, I was upset with myself, the situation, and my psych issues. I also conceded the point that they had been making. While Loki and Freyr assure me that they're not upset with me, I still find myself concerned that they are.
What were we arguing about? My lack of faith in myself. My stubborn insistence that I do everything myself, even when I actually do need help. My resistance to accepting that there are wonderful qualities about myself. I feel kinda ashamed that I argued over this stuff. I am not happy with these qualities about myself and I have been trying to resolve the problems they create. But sometimes I can't manage it because I get so caught up in the unhealthy thinking that fuels them.
After seeing me flail around with it for the umpteenth time, Freyr decided he had to have a conversation with me about it. It started off pleasant. It was clear he is concerned and wants to help me. Then I got this wrongheaded idea that I couldn't be helped and that I deserved all the misery I was putting myself through. Freyr tried to get me to see reason but I just couldn't do it. That was when he threw up his hands and told Loki it was his turn to try.
Loki didn't start off with something sweet and calm. No, he barged in like the Kool Aid man and demanded to know why I did this stuff to myself. This turned into my arguing that it wasn't his problem. That was the wrong thing to say. Did he ever get angry with that, oh boy. I suppose that you could say it was when the fight started. Things quickly progressed to my screaming at him that he was wrong about me, that I genuinely didn't deserve help because I hadn't earned it, and this convoluted thing where I was basically regurgitating all of the negative stuff I had said to me when I was young. And he was shouting back at me that I needed to stop and listen to what was coming out of my mouth, that I had no clue about what was right or wrong about how others viewed me, and that I didn't get to choose if I had earned help or not. And I was quite loudly reminded that I don't get to choose how other people feel about me or what they do with respect to me.
I was kinda cowed into silence by that. I reluctantly conceded he was right. He just kinda fixed me with an irate glare, declared me damn stubborn, and went poof. There was a lot of silence after that. Most of the dead were quiet and basically staying the fuck out of the way in case the fight started again. Silence like that, when I am used to there being some level of constant psychic background noise, makes me really uneasy. And, on top of that, the mental back brain chatter of characters for my writing was quiet. Like someone flipped a switch and nothing I could do turned it back on.
The next day, I guess it was around the middle of the day, Loki showed up. He was brooding and distinctly not happy with me. The second argument wasn't quiet as loud. He demanded to know if I 'got it.' I retorted that I had no clue what he was talking about. And things just kinda went downhill from there. The conclusion of that disagreement was Loki demanding to know why I wasn't going to let anyone help me when I needed it. I replied with I didn't deserve help. He got angry with that. He gave me a hard look and said something about 'Well, we're going to fix that." Then he went poof again. I felt awful about it all. Which moved from being upset that I had made him angry and made him worry to my kicking myself to my basically telling myself how worthless I was.
I was in the midst of that when Loki was back again. I had a vision of myself trying to fill a sieve with water and carry it to the river bank. Water kept pouring out, because it was a sieve. I kept getting angry and upset with it. And Loki sat on the other side of the river watching me. After the fifth or sixth iteration of this, he said, "You're using the wrong tool." and held up a bucket. I opened up my mouth to argue that the sieve was the tool I was given to complete the task. He cut me off saying, "All of your anger wont fill the holes. It wont magically turn the water into ice."
I shouted at him, "What the hell am I supposed to do when the damn bucket is on the other side of the river? I can't fucking swim this." That was when he smiled, this was a distinct difference from when I had previously started arguing with him. It was a suggestive look. I guess a part of me would have gotten uncomfortable with it in the middle of this context but I was too angry to be anything other than angry.
He holds up the bucket and says in a suggestive tone, "You could always ask me to bring it to you. I'll do it for a price." That made me so angry that I couldn't speak. After a little bit of glaring at him and wanting to throw the sieve at him, I did manage to get something out.
I spat in a bitter tone, "There's always a price. Anyways, this is something I'm supposed to do on my fucking own." He laughed at me. Proceeded to tell me how attractive I was when I was angry. Which again had me speechless with anger. Then he said added something to the effect of 'you don't think clearly when you're angry, do you?' That was when Loki basically turned into two different versions of himself. One was the world breaker aspect and the other was the trickster aspect. (I see them both differently. I may be weird, but it is how it happens for me.)
Trickster!Loki is by my side on the bank with World-Breaker!Loki on the other side holding the bucket. Trickster!Loki says, "I could always push you in. Then it would be full all the time." I declared that Trickster!Loki wasn't helping and finally threw the sieve at the ground. Then World-Breaker!Loki said, "Well, there's..." and Trickster!Loki finished, "A step in the right direction." I wanted to throw something at him. I really did, I mean, I was so angry I was shaking. Then Trickster!Loki walked up and took my face in his hands as his eyes turned the color of World-Breaker!Loki's. I tried to look away, but he didn't let me. Then he asked me in a voice that was a combination of both aspect's voices, "Are you done being stubborn now?"
Then I started crying and tried to look away or turn away from him. Again, he didn't let me. He was very calm. All the anger from the last couple of days was never there, like it never happened. Instead, he asked me to let him help me. That was when I sobbed that I wasn't allowed. He brushed the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs and told me to let him love me. That just made me cry harder. His hands became very warm, like as if I had come in from the bitter cold and he put his hands, which were being warmed by a fire, against my cheeks. Feeling ugly from crying, I managed to choke out that I felt I was too scarred and ugly for him.
He laughed again and asked me if I had recently looked at his face. So, I try to hide my face in my hands, but he takes hold of them and presses them to his chest over his heart. I just stood there and cried. He told me, "Waking up is the most hopeful thing you can do when all you want to do is sleep. Eating is the most hopeful thing you can do when you want to starve. Continuing to try is the most hopeful thing to do when everything in you says it is hopeless. Staying alive is the most hopeful thing to do when all you want to do is die. And hope is courage."
Then everything changed. This time, I was at the water's edge with a bucket in my hands. I had it full of water and I was trying to pull it up out. He said, "Once more, with feeling." I felt heartbroken. He tells me that I paid his price with my honesty. As I try to lift the bucket out of the water, it is so heavy that it hurts my hands. As in, it hurts them to the point where I start to cry in frustration and pain. Then he steps up to my side and puts his hands over mine. He tells me not to give up. I keep trying to raise it up and the pain is such that my hands feel like they're burning, and the bucket is only a few inches up out of the water. He keeps encouraging me. When my strength starts to fail, he tells me to keep trying. I weep that I can't because I'm not strong enough. He laughs and teases me about the kinks I have.
Somehow, we get the bucket out of the water and carry it to the side of the river. I'm hurting so much that I can't speak or see straight. After the bucket gets set on the ground, I hold my hands against myself, just wordlessly crying in pain. Loki takes me in his arms. Praises me for being stubborn and brave. He kisses my palms and the pain recedes. He tells me that it will be easy now that the first bucket is out. He tells me that he is going to help me. I start to argue that I am not allowed help and he cuts me off telling me, "I'm going to help you. If you want it or not."
I've been thinking about the bucket thing. I've been thinking about the arguments. And I've been thinking about my psychological problems. I think the bucket thing was referencing my work to resolve my psych problems. Right before I posted this, I think I got a message from him. A meme randomly flashed up on my facebook before vanishing (and I can't find it now for the life of me). The meme said, "You believed in Santa for 8 years. You can try believing in yourself." And I think, I'm not sure, but I think that's where all of this is leading.
I think it is another case of walk forward or be dragged, either way I'm going forward.