Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy
There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.


Dreams go wut?

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 7 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid
Drought status: None

There are dreams that you just look at and accept as random brain nattering. And then there are the ones where they have a theme that just won't go away. For about two weeks now, I keep having these surreal dreams where I am flipping things over. Some of them feature me on some kind of game show where I have to flip everything over to gain some kind of prize. And then there are ones like last night where I just keep flipping things over.

It ranges from a literal table flip to flipping a car over. (The car one was probably the most surreal moment. I flipped a Buick with my finger tips on my off hand. And it was like flipping over a popsicle stick. But it was one of the old school Buicks that were basically like a boat driving down the road.) They seem to correspond to my making some major changes in how I approach health things. Is flipping things in my dreams supposed to correlate to making changes in my life? I have no idea.

All I know is that this is not going away. And it feels like there's something more behind it. Divination is just something I haven't had time for. And approaching it from a dream analysis perspective says 'Yep, I'm making huge changes in my life about how I am approaching just about everything."


Dreams and thoughts.

Waxing Grain Moon (Age: 1 Day)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Seasonable, fair/partly cloudy skies
Flash Flood Warning

My dreams over the last few weeks have been very vivid. I don't know if this is because of my hypomania or if it is something else. I do, however, think there is something more to them than the dreams just being random brain chatter.

I have been dreaming of snakes, spiders, and other sorts of animals/creatures that shed their skin. I am getting the distinct impression that I am about to go through or currently experiencing a time of transformation and self-renewal. I also get the impression that I must change or I am going to be unwell.

I am not entirely sure what this means. I mean, I understand that I need to change but I'm not entirely sure what areas I need to make changes in. I know that I am stalled in a few areas on making changes. My knees being difficult over the last few weeks because of the extra humid weather has made it challenging to get even my morning yoga exercises. Getting in a half hour walk is a bit harder because of the kids having summer school right now, but we are making regular trips to the park (we are walking despite the fact I have the car because I want that exercise for us). The intermittent rain over the last several days has made going to the park a less than ideal thing. Lightning makes me really not want to bring an umbrella or my cane (which is metal). Not being a lightning rod is good for my health, after all.

The thing that really threw me for a loop was Grandmother Spider showing up and then transforming into Loth. (If you've played D&D you may recognize that name. Because the Queen of Spiders is far reaching and a major player in almost any subterranean campaign.) Now, I know some would be taken aback by the idea of Grandmother Spider taking a guise of a well known evil character but I would like to kindly remind you that I tend to view 'evil' characters as ones who are outside the 'standard' moral perspective and should be considered upon their own merits. But, I think the biggest thing about the transformation, aside from being something that confused the hell out of me, was that the message that I needed to transform in a very large way that incorporates my core sense of self.

Along with a message about not being 'nice' all the time. That, however, touches on something that it a little bit too personal to share right now. But, it is clear that I need to be more aggressive about how I approach things and not worry about being the 'bad guy'. It is a big change from how I have been approaching life over the last several years, which has been mores passive and based in anxiety that standing up and saying something is dangerous for me.

So, that's something that's happened. I'm still working through it. (Minor side note, I also associate spiders with Loki. I'm not entirely sure where that started, only that they seem to walk on air and do their own thing. I have other reasons but my brain is not slowing down enough to let me get them out. (It's been making writing anything difficult because I'm playing catch up with myself.)


That moment when...

Waxing Gibbous Thunder Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: humid, seasonable temps
Drought status: n/a

Last few weeks have been rough. As I find myself on more even footing, I am sitting here looking around at a loss for where to begin picking up all the threads left laying about when I was in the worst of the last depressive episode. It was daunting and, honestly, disheartening. Last night, I was feeling poorly about myself and frustrated with ALL THE THINGS.

As I was laying there glaring at the wall, Loki started to toy with my hair. At first I wasn't focused enough to realize it was him. I just felt my hair getting moved about and the feeling of something moving against my scalp. This was making my skin crawl because earlier I saw ants running around in the bathroom and I was envisioning ants running over my head. I brushed my hand through my hair a few times and then I felt that strange static electricity feeling that comes when my hand touches his. (Envision a ball of static electricity that you pass your hand through. There is no shock, just that feeling of your skin being very sensitive and all the hairs on your skin standing up. Kinda like if you put your hand near a static ball. That's what it feels like, to me at least.)

I put my hand down and gave a sigh of just.. that combination of all of those feelings I was having. The sigh that goes with 'I am all out of fucks to give.' and 'What the fuck is going on here?' (all said with tired exasperation). Loki settled himself beside me and told me that I was being too serious. I grumpily responded with something, I don't remember what. But then Loki said to me something that I had been hearing from others on the spirit plane (I'm looking at you, Crow.).

"Why did you stop doing magic?"

I just lay there in silence. I wanted to reply with "I don't know." but I knew that it did not count as an answer. If I said the next thing that came to mind - I'm afraid. I don't think it works right anymore. - I knew that Loki was going to demand a better answer. Because feelings, while valid and important, are not entirely accurate for stating why something happened, at least not on this topic.

I don't remember my answer. I just remember Loki saying to me, "You need to have faith in yourself. You know this works. You have tons of evidence it works. You can't take the word of a liar seriously when they're lying to you about your truth. They don't know a damn thing about it." There was some awkward silence for a bit. And then he added the following:

Your lack of faith is because you were beaten for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were castigated for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were conditioned into it.
Your lack of faith is because you were wounded for it.
Strike a child, and they will fear the blow. Strike them for the same thing and over time that fear transfers to the thing. And what comes later is persistent fear and a hobbling. You are bound. Because you dared to stand up and have faith in yourself.
I'll be honest, having him say that was both validating and it hurt me. I tried to compensate for this by doing my best to ignore my hunger (as I had a small dinner out of an attempt to stick to a healthy diet). As this got more uncomfortable, Loki sighed and said "You're doing it again." I tried to argue with him that I couldn't go eat something then because I had brushed my teeth, because I needed to sleep, and some other thing that I can't quite recall. He shut those arguments down with one word, "Needs."

So, after I got up and had a snack of blueberries. I found myself suddenly feeling tired. Now, moments before, I was awake and anxious. After eating, I felt calm and sleepy. I wasn't even grumpy. I tried to will myself to go brush my teeth but that sense of exhaustion just got stronger. When I stretched out in bed, Loki said to me, "You are not disgusting. You are not worthless. Your life is not a mistake. You are competent and damn talented. You deserve love. And happiness. And your feelings and memories are valid." There was something else like that but I don't remember it because I fell asleep as he was speaking and rubbing my back.

But, Loki made a point last night of addressing some trauma issues that I had only recently realized were a problem. It all made sense. And it hurt. But, I think this is the hurt that comes with cleaning out an infection. I think it is going to lead to my getting healthier.

Aside from that, Loki today said to me 'Sit and spin.' and then started snickering. So I don't think he's upset with me, just upset with what happened to me and how much it has hindered me.



Waning Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 18 Days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, precip. expected later
Mild temps

I don't feel that great right now. My head hurts kinda bad, my body is generally just stiff and uncomfortable, and my lady bits are somewhere between hating me and indifferent to our mutual existence. I'm still depressed. It has made getting things done much harder.

But, I am making the attempt. A part of me says that it is going to do no good. Another part of me wants to bitch-smack the one saying terrible pessimistic things. It's a quiet conflict that happens in my head just about all the time in the background. When I'm depressed, the part that says horrible things to me is a bit louder. (And I know I am downplaying this, but I've been writing so much about feeling awful, I'm just tired of it.)

Loki has given me work to do. I'm trying to do it. But I'm not doing very well. At least, I feel like I'm not doing very well. He, however, says the fact that I am making the attempt is what is important. (This was after a few weeks of not making the attempt and him sending a bat at my head. As in, a literal little flying bat that got in the apartment and had me shrieking 'just go away' and 'leave me alone' as it kept swooping me. It was a fiasco to get it out, and it was acting strangely by doing things like attempting to land on me and crawling across the floor - and under my front door to get back into the apartment, it was alarming.)

I am exhausted. Today was a very ... uncomfortably warm day. I did some housework and stuff, but nothing too physically demanding because of my asthma acting up. I feel like a failure because I didn't get all the things done. I am trying not to indulge in that everything or nothing way of thinking. But it keeps tripping me up. I wish I was better. I wish that the bipolar just wasn't here. I wish that I could have my life back. I was going places, I was making things happen.

And then, one of my worst depressive episodes of all my life happened while I was pregnant. Which then turned into postpartum depression with psychosis. At which point, I was hospitalized and got the diagnosis of bipolar II. It was kinda a relief to know that I wasn't 'crazy' and that there actually was something going on for all those years that I was just told that I was being 'moody' and 'lazy'. But, between the BP, my cPTSD, and what feels like a metric ton of just my brain is broken now, I feel like there's no hope for me. I get afraid when I start feeling 'too good' that I'm going to launch into a manic episode and horrible things will happen. I don't know what horrible things would happen, but I'm afraid that they will happen.

I spend a lot of time depressed or numb. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Somedays I fear that it will only stop if I am dead. And, for maximum fail, my migraines are worse and slowly becoming more frequent. I look around and I ask, what did I do wrong to have all this happen to me? It is not a question of 'what gods did I make angry?' as much as, 'what are the things I've done to create this situation? how can I correct it? is correcting it even possible?'

Loki tells me I am taking the wrong perspective. He's likely to be right. I am just having a hard time seeing clearly now on multiple levels. And struggling with despair. I am doing my best not to let myself get sucked into that thinking but it is getting harder daily. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist in a little over a week. I'd go sooner but he's completely booked. I struggle with the feelings that I have some how earned divine wrath versus I am just that much of a fuck up that I made myself sick like this. Both perspectives are wrong, I logically get that. But my emotions and bad brain chemistry are insisting otherwise.

I hate this.


Shout out to a reader.

Hey there N.!

I haven't posted your comments in an attempt to help you keep your privacy secure. I did appreciate them. They were a tremendous source of reassurance when you shared them. And when I have a bad day, I re-read them.

I hope you are well. ♥


Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool

A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.


Ah Gods, WTF?

Waning Gibbous Flower Moon (Age:18 Days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy with 
intermittent rain

I have lost count how many times I have fallen over something, tripped, or otherwise had myself abruptly reminded of gravity today. I have also lost count how many minor annoyances kept popping up. Throw in the fact that today is Mother's Day and I had a hurdle of an emotional sort to clamber over as well and it just made today a day of frustration.

I don't know who or what is trying to draw my attention. But, upending 90% of the plans, causing things like a full jar of marinade to just jump off the counter and spill over damn near everything -EXCEPT me, and the number of times where I was tripping over things has now ensured that you have my attention. 

I had plans today. They got tanked. Beloved had plans today. They got tanked. Hell, the KIDS had plans today and they got tanked.

So, we were supposed to stay home, be indoors, and get on each other's nerves for the afternoon whilst I develop a case of fumble-everything? We did that, now what's next? A bit of clarity would be fantastic. This whole weekend started out as planned and then went horribly pear shaped. My anxiety is all over the map, like that spilled curry marinade across my kitchen. Can whomever is poking me make things known in a less ... dramatic fashion?

I almost felt like we'd been hit with a minor entropy curse or something. But the air lacked the distinct scent of a curse. (If I encounter a curse, they generally have a very ... unpleasant aroma. Sending them, it's like running a fan to blow the smell away. It's still there but it fades as it gets sent off elsewhere.)

So, yeah, wtf is going on here?


Snow & Ice & A curse or two.

Waning Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: X days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cold, blowing snow
(Winter Storm Stella)
Drought status: N/A
Snow pack: ~ 8 in (haven't measured, can't find ruler)

Back last month on the 24th, if I recall it correctly, there was a considerable effort put forth by many to curse that selfish monster in the Presidency. As much as I wanted to participate, life got in the way. It was the time of the last waning phase of the moon before the new moon. It is considered a prime time for casting spells of a 'darker' nature. It is also considered a good time for planting stuff that grows underground and for cutting hair. That, however, is beside the point of my post here.

I was trying to figure out what sort of spell was going to be most effective in bringing that man bad luck. While I was busy asking deities to mess with him, and giving them things in return for this, I cogitated on the matter. I was really stumped until this storm hit. And then it struck me just what to do. This spell is in two parts. The first part is a binding that is a bit different from what I usually do. The second part is a more ... traditional curse.

The binding requires a few things. A black candle, a facial hair from a woman (beard preferably), sand, and salt are what you need for this. Now, there is one element that you can't exactly pick up and place. The breath of a fish is something that sounds nonsensical. If you have a betta fish, as I do, you have access to all the little bubbles they blow when they get bored and decide to entertain themselves. What I did was I clipped one of the facial hairs off my chin and then used it to pop one of those little bubbles. Thus, it got a tiny bit of that fish breath on it. I then put that hair, a few grains of sand, and a few grains of salt on the candle. The sand and salt are both base elements in much of the landscape in my region. If I had powdered shale, I would have used that. But, if you can find out what the bedrock of your region is, go with that. That is the 'roots of the mountains' for this spell.

Anyone with a passing familiarity with Norse mythology will recognize the items I have gathered as what was used by the dwarves, amongst other items, to make the binding known as Gleipnir (the open one) that was used to bind Fenris. I made a point of not acquiring something like all of the items because it makes this harder to work. I haven't access to a cat, a bird's nest, or the remains of a bear. If I did and I was able to manage to some how capture the essence of a cat's footfall, bird saliva, and bear sinew, I would have made the attempt with it. Even though I haven't the full list of what was used for Gleipnir, what I have is still 'impossible' enough to make something that defies the efforts of those opposing me. So, I applied my spell elements to the black candle of binding with the intention that they are drawn into the flame and spun into a binding that will render the man, his right hand, and their supporters as ineffective in their tasks as Fenris is in causing mischief.

I am not putting my hand in this wolf's mouth. It has already done its best to consume me before I had declared it to be an enemy of my wellness and my people. This is something that they owe me for their deeds. This binding is but the first part of payment they are going to make on the things they have wrought against us. And, as the moon is not completely waning or new, I draw in some of the power of the full moon to push this forward. I am going to burn the candle completely and then the ashes will be disposed of in a manner that they can not contaminate anything due to their connection to that man. Some may ask, my use of my own hair in this spell, does it not draw that contamination to myself as well. I answer to this question, this is why I am going to be doing a full cleansing on all levels later and why I waited until such a cleansing was necessary. What I am sending of myself behind this spell is the miasma that has collected to me, the essence of my suffering, the various elements of despair and grief that have struck me. It is an act of sending a fetch made of my misery after them. Not something done lightly, but it serves multiple purposes. (No, I'm not going to go over all of them. And, to any who suspect it, yes, this was something advised by the All Father and the Vanadis.)

The sending of this element of myself after them is the concluding part of the binding and the beginning of the curse. I am going to reach out into the psychic energies within this storm and into all of the pain and misery that it has caused. I am going to grasp hold of the great toll of loss that this storm carries with it and channel it along the path that the fetch has gone. I am going to send the essence of snow and ice to blind their eyes so they may not see to do yet more evil. I am going to send the essence of bitter cold to choke their breath and slow their hands so that they have not the strength to engage in yet more evil. And I am going to send all aspects of ruin to them to destroy what they are attempting to build and rip apart the things they are engaged in to destroy the good of the nation.

One may ask, what sort of price goes along with this sort of thing. Well, there's two different ones to be paid here. One is actually to the storm jotuns who move through these storms to direct their attention and efforts towards these people in particular. (It is one that I negotiated with them. If you are going to do such a thing, you are going to have to negotiate your own price with them. Or with whatever elemental being or deity it is that your practice sees working with storms.) The other price that I pay is to the Lady of the Dead, Hela herself. Because in turning all of this baneful work on these people, it may go so far as to include the demise of them in the most literal of senses. So, I have asked for her direct aid in this. This was something else I had to negotiate directly with her.

There are some others, I am sure, that would also take interested in such work. As I am engaged in this under the direction of the All Father and the Lady, I know that their assistance is already in play. I have paid the dues for it by doing this work. (I also have additional work to do for them. As I mentioned earlier, this is outside of the scope of this post so I won't discuss it here.)

But, here's an idea for something that may work for you. If there is no storm raging that you can reach into and draw magic from, I know that you are all a resourceful lot and can find other ways to tap into primal energies.


A vision.

Waxing GibbousWorm Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Cold, cloudy, snow 
possible later
Snow pack: n/a
Drought status: None

I woke up from a very brief nap. As I woke a vision struck me. I saw a veiled young woman holding a sword. The sword had a rounded, blunted tip, though the edges were deadly sharp. Her skin was very dark. She was dressed in a black gown which was nearly indistinguishable from her skin except for a subtle difference in shade and the obvious difference in how fabric lies versus flesh. She stood at the head of a river. A rivulet of water rose up at her feet and flowed towards me.

As I watched, the water turned to blood and the thin stream widened. She did not stir as this happened. The woman, I must clarify, was not in her early 20s, but rather looking to be in her 30s. There was great strength in her bearing. The gown was sleeveless, so I could see her arms and it was clear that she was someone of significant physical strength. 

I do not know entirely what this vision means, but I suspect it is an omen of things coming to pass. My gut says that the woman I saw in this vision was a figure like Nemesis. Perhaps a face of Dea, the Janya Vikhë maybe. She is coming. I know this for sure. This figure bearing the sword of Mercy and Justice is coming to us. And her coming is not going to be pleasant, but it will be necessary.


Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Seasonably cold
Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground
Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)


On 'black magic'

Waning Wolf Moon (Age 23 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Unseasonably warm, foggy
winter storm due in the next 48 hrs
Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry
Snow Pack: melted
Here's some copy-pasta from a discussion thread I was involved in on Facebook. I will apologize, I am that annoying person who won't proofread their FB posts and will not capitalize aside from proper names.

magic is like a hammer. a hammer is morally neutral. it can be used to build a house, fashion toys for children, or help re-break a badly set bone so it can heal properly. it can also be used to break the windshield on some one's car, injure animals, and to murder someone. the question is how are you using it and what is your intent. because, that breaking the windshield on the car may be opening it so you can pull someone out before the cat catches fire, the animal may be livestock that is getting humanely killed so that someone may eat, and the person killed may be done so in self defense.

do i do things that are considered by the mainstream pagan community as 'dark' or 'left-hand path'? yes, and i wouldn't hesitate to do so again. i use my proverbial hammer judiciously and as i deem appopriate for the situation. because magic has such a strong potential to go awry if things are not executed properly, it is not my first choice in resolving situations. i hold it in reserve until things have reached a point where i have little other recourse. curses are not something to be undertaken lightly. (by the way the really popular healing spells to make cancer go away or for your viral illness go away are technically structured as curses. and blessings can be just as damaging and horrific, if not more so. look at that old 'interesting times' one for a good example.)

there are times, however, where i had to use a curse. if you are careful and deliberate about how you structure it and the methodology you use to enact it, that 3x blow back thing is less of a concern. it is important to remember in what ever form of spell craft you engage in that you are going to be working with or against laws of physics and such. thus, to make a spell effective, you must over come the inertia of the situation (commonly referred to as 'raising energy') and you must be prepared to handle the reciprocal effects in your direction from what you initiate (all actions have an equal and opposite reaction unless acted upon by an outside force).

addendum: the 3x return thing is in most cases not a literal i do something nice for someone and somethign amazing happens for me. the incidences i have observed of things coming back with interest i can count on one hand and i've been practicing magic in some shape for over thirty years now. it is more like pushing on a pendulum. it will swing back with force equal to what you put into it. a lot of people don't realize, however, just the amount of force they put behind that push.



Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid
moderate rain showers
Drought status: D 0 (unusually dry)
Snow pack: melted

As I was briefly viewing the footage from the protesting happening in DC today, I was struck by something that was chilling. It was a single, brief thing. But, something deep inside me noted it.

Protesters who were not violently engaged and members of the press were fired on with tear gas and other 'non-lethal' projectiles. The people firing were aiming at clusters of people, regardless if they were in a threatening position. While the press is reporting that this happened towards strictly only the people who were throwing things at the police and national guard, the video footage that I was watching (that was real time and unedited) showed that they were also taking aim at people who were simply standing with their hands raised in the universal gesture of surrender and at members of the press.

The vision was fleeting, but I saw a large man (perhaps impossibly large) beaten to the ground by a mob. This was entirely contrary to what was happening. The vision took place in a location with little to no vegetation. It looked like a field of pure ice. This man looked at me. He reached a hand towards me, his expression one of pure terror.

Some would read this as a sign that the people will throw off their oppressors, etc.

It was not what I got out of this. This man had the look of a soldier who had been in harsh battles and was attempting to stand against a mob that was threatening others. Thus, he moved forward with the expectation of his experience and size would be enough to curtail would be attacks.

He, however, was not successful. Because the others just didn't stop coming.

Their faces were masks of rage. They looked almost bestial in their expressions, but it was that queer, unique quality that can be seen only in human faces. All the worst traits of simian expressions of wrath, sans the disturbing teeth to add to it.

They were NOT the oppressed. They were the ones that the man tried to stop. He was not violent. Even as they assailed him, he was doing his best not to harm them. And he was deeply afraid.

I don't know who the man was. But he needs help. And the ones he is protecting need it as well.


Do the Work.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 21 Days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Cool (average temp is near freezing)
Cloudy with rain expected later
Snow Pack: Melted
Drought Status: D0 - Abnormally Dry

The last week has been exhausting because of all this work to change myself. It was especially challenging to get into the physical activity. Beloved has taken matters in hand and been helping me stay on task. He's helped me put together a list of weekly and daily tasks. He's also helping me stay accountable. I've been struggling with the nonsense thoughts that I should be accomplishing all of this on my own and that it is some how wrong for me to need help. Also, the thoughts that I am somehow wrong for my kinky inclinations and such.

Ingvi said to me earlier while I was coming back from my walk (with weights, it was tiring) that I needed to stop worrying about what was 'right' and look at what it is I need and what it is that actually works for me. It was a ... gentle reminder that needs trump opinions. I am beginning to think I need to make a post it note or something and post it where I see it every day. I was feeling upset that I am not doing any 'work' right now.

This got me a droll look. As Ingvi looked at me as though I said something completely foolish, Loki piped up. He said in a tone of pure sarcasm, "Because completely changing your life to become healthy is just a new hobby, right?" I was half tempted to fire back with my own sarcasm but... well, I know that I can't win a battle of words with the Lie-Smith. He's just too damn good at it. (Sometimes I try for funsies, but it's pretty clear that he is feeding me enough rope to hang myself. It's all in good fun. Because he thinks its funny to watch me try to get in a few good licks while he basically holds me at arms length and lets me swing at the air, all for the sake of amusement. We have an odd relationship.)

I was meditating earlier. Ingvi sat down beside me on the couch. (It is always a bit odd when you feel someone sit down beside you, complete with the couch cushions shifting, but there is no one physically there.) He said to me, "Before you can help anyone else, you need to take care of yourself. Put on your oxygen mask first, et cetera, et cetera. The Work you feel called to do, it flows out of your own health. How can She direct you when you are not well enough to hear her? How can She guide you when you are not well enough to act on your own?"

I was somewhat upset with that last point. As it started to shake me out of my light trance, he set a hand on my knee. (The mild ache that I had from walking just vanished when he did it. It was pretty nice.) He said to me, "You are a fighter. You are stubborn. Put that to work for you, not against you. You are still at the beginning. Learn to walk before you run. You've been injured, you must heal your injury before you can do more. Be patient. I know you can be. Do so, for me."

So, apparently this effort to get myself healthier as the Work I must focus on right now.


Push Forward.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: Cold, cloudy
Snow Pack: > 1 in
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry (DS 1)

I have been working hard to do all those healthy things. Eating healthy, getting enough water, and getting exercise has been probably the easier part of it all. It is the managing the mental health stuff that has been hard. When I get upset and feel like I am just going to fail, so why bother trying, Ingvi gives me a rather stern look. Thus, I continue to make the effort, even though I may grumble some. Because I don't want to disappoint him.

I was really struggling yesterday. As I was sitting at the table working on updating my mental health journal and I noticed that I didn't get all of my check boxes marked for the day, I was discouraged. As I sat there looking down at my notebook with despair, he walked up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder. I could feel him leaning over me to look at the notebook. He then said to me, "It is not good enough? Why?"

I answered that it was never good enough, sounding utterly miserable. That is when Loki piped up from the other room "What have I said about opinions?" At which point I just kinda sighed. I caught Freyr waving a hand at Loki. I think he was about to have more to say, I'm not sure. But, Freyr wrapped an arm around me before setting his cheek against mine.

He said very quietly, "You're tired. You never look kindly at yourself when you are tired. Let this be and go enjoy the company of your husband and rest." I felt badly about leaving my notes for the day incomplete. I don't think it was pure coincidence that my pen stopped working. So, after having some quality time with Beloved and talking about all the garbage thoughts rattling around in my head, I fell asleep.

I don't remember my dreams except for one thing. I was trying to push forward through a very large pile of snow. It was literally deep enough that it came to the middle of my chest. I just knew that I had to go forward. I was exhausted but still trudging. As I was doing so, I some how could hear *someone* calling me from out ahead of me. Their voice kept getting lost in the wind. But I could hear a voice calling.



Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')



Mentally drawing a blank on stuff like weather description and current lunar position/phase. It's been a long day. I hope that you will forgive me not posting that usual bit of detail.

I am working on making changes in my life. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am, however, exhausted and apprehensive. And I'm only 2 days into the new calendar year. I don't know if it is my cold and the stress of the last few weeks catching up with me or what. I just know that I don't feel well and I'm worried that I'm going to mess everything up.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. This makes me anxious. So, I'm trying to curb the mess and get things organized. Which is overwhelming, thus I am anxious. And I think I pushed myself too hard yesterday, which is why today I was so tired and mentally shot.

Why am I so bad at pacing myself? I want to do better. I'm afraid I am going to fail. And I don't know what to do about it.

And I'm mentally just spinning my wheels. All together not conducive to anything remotely like doing tarot readings or whatever.