10/25/08

A few thoughts and a dream of the Horned One

Moon phase: Waning Blood Moon, approx. 2 days before New Snow Moon
Moon sign: Virgo
Weather: Seasonably cool, cloudy, and fair amount of rain

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It's been a difficult, difficult several days.

Full moon came and went. I've been torn between illness and feeling so damn depressed that I can't clearly remember what I did that night. I know that I did something, but I can't recall what. This is what comes of my forgetting to update any blog, journal, or anything else in a timely manner, I suppose.

Samhain is coming fast. With it comes a great deal of very hard emotional work. It's ironic that the waning moon is in Virgo. I've been struggling so very much with matters of home, heritage, and family, as well as my femininity. With this waning moon, I can tell that things are being cleared away. Blockages are being removed and unhealthy bonds are getting severed. I've taken steps to remove myself from unhealthy situations and I have been progressing forward. Quite possibly at a rapid rate.

But if I'm making such successful headway, why do I hurt so very much?

I don't know what Samhain will bring. I do know, however, that all of this is going to come to a head and will reach the point of resolution. I'm welcoming that, because I'm tired of this pain that's always been lurking beneath my skin and deep within my soul.

I need to face the Dark Mother and the Horned One. I need to do it to free myself from the past, but I'm afraid to do so. Fear, however, has not stopped me from doing what I needed to in the past.

I've had this dream several times over the last few days. I was an infant or a small child, cradled in the arms of the Horned One. As he held me, I felt safe and unafraid. The scents of the deep forest were all around us and I only saw darkness, except for him. He was illuminated as a person would be under the full moon that's covered by shadow at one time or illuminated as a person would be only by star light with a new moon. In the dream, he simply held me and rocked me.

I think that his comfort is what I needed to get thru the last several days as the realizations had been getting ready to break thru. I know that there is something more waiting, but I'm not sure what. It'll be revealed soon, I think. I just wish I could hold that calm feeling of safety and being unafraid, being at peace, within my heart as I moved forward thru all of this. So much fear, pain, and confusion have been bubbling up when I haven't been stuck with the misery and fustration of being ill recently.

10/12/08

Waxing moon, waxing challenges.

Moon phase: Gibbous waxing, one day before full
Moon sign: Pisces
Weather: Unseasonably warm, fair skies and mildly humid.
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As the moon has transitioned closer to full, I've found the challenges in my life has increased and more illumination has been shed on my weaknesses. As the month where Samhain falls is generally the month were much of the work one engages in over the year comes to completion, I recognize that this month is going to be quite challenging. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but I understand and accept it. It's easier when you accept the reality of the challenges before you then it is to try to run from them.

This said, I'm unsure what exactly I should do when it comes to engaging in magical work for this month. It's been a hard debate as to if I should actively engage in magic for my Aunt's bit of a problem. She has a love struck individual who is quite infatuated with her and her feelings for him are only friendship. It's made things somewhat uncomfortable and she's asked me to cast something to help him find someone who he will have his affections returned in the same fashion and be happy with.

Since the disasters that I've witnessed with respect to love magic, I generally try to avoid any of it. Most people are asking for one thing and wanting something entirely different. Only rarely does it work in the way that's what is desired and in those cases it is because desire and will are aligned to make it happen. I find it difficult to agree to do a spell for some one else on the matter of love because of the challenges that get additionally entangled if a third party is doing something on this front.

With every spell that one does, they will entangle themselves into it as well. I've observed over the years that, for example, if you bind someone against certain behaviors, you in turn bind yourself against them. It is a sympathetic restriction that serves to help reinforce the focus. Most people don't realize this reciprocal element of magic. It makes the question of what to cast and how to cast it become more important to any given Witch.

It also makes the question of what you're ethics say about your spell work a much larger one. I'm currently wrestling with that one right now. As I've been thinking about it, I'm tending towards casting one specific thing. Something to bring them each a healthy, loving relationship, that will support them in completing the things that they must engage in on their respective Life Paths. It would be something that can resolve the discomfort of both individuals and promotes their well-being. It also is something that I'm willing to do because it serves to reinforce what I've been working on here for myself.

Then there is the other matter that I'm struggling with. I'll write about that in a little bit, as I've a few household things to attend to. I suspect, however, there is going to be quite a few comments and thoughts murmured about in response to this next post.

10/1/08

Just some rambling.

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.