10/1/08

Just some rambling.

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.

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