5/31/16

Luck Bringer Lopt!

Waning Crescent Flower Moon (Age: 24 Days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Partly cloudy, very dry, upper average to
above average temps.
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I was stalled on making things happen in my life for a while. I had heaps of anxiety and I was generally running in circles going "OH GODS, WHAT DO I DO?!!?!elventyone" Loki nudged me forward. (Read that as he picked me up by the scruff of the neck and tossed me forward.) At his encouragement, I picked up a small pile of hard copies of Book One of the Umbrel Chronicles (a fantasy series that I am writing and blogging about). Again, at his encouragement, I brought them out to spinning guild this month. Now, I had one book that I sold before spinning guild because the gal up the road had seen me working on stuff and was curious.

I honestly thought that it was going to be the only one that I sold. At spinning guild, I gave my elevator pitch and had all of the copies I brought with me sold in less than five minutes. I was in shock and delighted. (Mostly amazed, to be honest. He and Ingvi were both amused with this. As was Beloved who said 'Who'd have thought you would be good at this? You've only been working on it for over twenty years.' Subtlety, it is optional in the sarcasm around this place.)

At Loki's encouragement, today, I stopped in at the bbq place up the street. This is where the gal who bought the first book off the pile works. The minute she saw me, she asked me when she can get book two and informed me that she was about a third of the way through the book and loving it. I was delighted. And then she said that she was going to buy me lunch. I attempted to protest and she laughed and said she was doing it anyways.

And the owner of the business is curious about possibly getting a copy of the book because his employee is so excited about it. I honestly did not anticipate this happening. But, it seems that Loki did and is exhorting me to do more things with this. I'm a little overwhelmed but that happens most of the time with Loki. He's a 'go big or go home' kinda guy.

Did I mention that Loki is very amused with my response to all of this? I wouldn't say he is gloating, but it is something similar. Ingvi is also highly amused. I have a feeling this is the beginning of plans they have for me. Just a suspicion with all of their chuckling and such. The last time they both were like this, life got very interesting in unexpected and pleasant ways.

5/20/16

Wut?

So, I sit here and I'm surrounded by the creative chaos that comes with being a SAHM with a couple of kids in school, with special education needs. I am feeling remarkably zen about it all (usually this is enough to set off a fair amount of anxiety for me). I try to make sense of what is going on and why I feel like this when I feel Him standing by me.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The many, many things popping up on the internet that point back to Ingvi. The almost physical itch to get my hands in the dirt and grow stuff. The dreams of deer, trees, and tilled fields that I keep waking up with them almost before my eyes. The random stuff about bread and beer that flew across my Facebook wall.

Hello, Love, I've missed you. Damn my depression making things so hard. Thank you for being with me through it and being so patient with me as I stumble around trying to figure myself out. And thank you for helping me out of that dark hole.

5/19/16

Spawned by stupid memes on Facebook

random thoughts: there are reptilian species and amphibian species that can change gender as per environmental stressors. Loki can change gender (and apparent species) at will. what kind of reptile does that make him?

5/18/16

Letters to Loki No. 36

Dear Loptr,

Today has been a long day. I feel a bit disorganized but that seems to be how things are going right now. I'm doing my best to roll with it. I am really not good at that, but I am beginning to suspect that is precisely why things are like this. So, I'm working on letting go of expectations. I am tired, but it is a good sort of tired. I may not have a huge pile of things that I have done over the course of today, but what I did accomplish was done well and completely.

I am struggling with the desire to run out and get a whole bunch of plants right now. We're not yet past the danger of frost. I have been feeling the powerful urge to get my hands in the dirt and grow things. It is a little bit maddening. But, I am working on being flexible there as well. I am not entirely enjoying this but I suppose it shall pass. I have been puttering around with my houseplants and I'm not sure if I am doing things right with them.

I suppose it would be something to natter on about with Ingvi, but I feel that you would have some interest in it as well. I have managed, somehow, to keep two very small plantlings alive. One is a miniature rosebush that is scarcely the size of my hand. I am pretty sure that I'll have to replant it soon if it keeps growing like it has been. I replanted it last week when the weather was super warm. Now, I'm not sure, but it looks like it has grown a full half inch in all directions. It sports a bright pink bloom. I think I saw another rose budding out today, but I'm not entirely sure. That bud is really small. The miniature rosebush that Beloved got me for Mother's Day is doing pretty well but I suspect that I am going to have to move it to a larger pot soon as well.

I'm really happy that these plants are doing well. The miniature rosebushes that I had in pots on the back deck last year died due to the winter. I am not sure what I'm going to do with those pots this year. I am waiting, however, for the 'three cold kings of May' to pass. I find myself curious as to why the old farmers around here call the 13th, 14th, and 15th of May that. I wish I could talk to my Grandparents about that and my gardening hopes. I miss them. I want to do something special to honor them but I can't think of what. Dedicating books to them is nice but it doesn't feel quite right.

I am finding my anxiety comes in waves of late. I'll have days like today where I am sort of alright. I still find myself anxious but it isn't utterly paralyzing. And then I'll have days like I had a few days ago where even the thought of going out of the house makes me feel like I should go hide. I don't like it but I have taken the anti-anxiety medication when I am really struggling with it. I find myself feeling grumpy about it, but the medication does seem to help. I guess that is all that matters, right?

5/6/16

Letter to Loki No. 35

Dear Loki,

I am not sure what to write anymore. I sit down at the keyboard and I just get this ball of anxiety knotted up in my stomach. Thus, I scroll through Facebook desperately wishing it would go away. I find myself afraid that my dream of writing as a career has gone away. And then I find myself struggling to organize my thoughts to just put to pen something in my notebooks and journals. I feel stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have found my self confidence has taken a pretty big hit of late. I don't have the slightest idea what has prompted this. I wish that it would go away. I have found my desire to do much of anything rather low. Still, I made myself get out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I am making myself do the stuff that I need to get done. I don't know if this is where I say that I am depressed or if I am just tired.

I do think part of the problem is hormonal. After my menses not happening for two months, it arrived this week. I've been crampy, tired, and moody because of it, I'm sure. I keep trying not to expect ridiculous things out of myself. I last for about ten minutes, and then I find myself thinking of about fifteen to twenty things that I really should be doing right now, which I have zero energy for. This whole business of giving myself permission not to be perfect is really hard and pretty stressful.

Still, I am making the effort and doing what I can with what I have. I keep looking at that magnet you encouraged me to buy. The one that says "Do more of what makes you happy." I find myself at a loss for where to begin. I feel like there is nothing I can do to be happy. It feels as fickle as the weather. But, I don't know if this is my wonky brain chemistry due to hormones talking. It is very frustrating. I suspect that you have a pretty good feel for this kind of frustration.