5/18/16

Letters to Loki No. 36

Dear Loptr,

Today has been a long day. I feel a bit disorganized but that seems to be how things are going right now. I'm doing my best to roll with it. I am really not good at that, but I am beginning to suspect that is precisely why things are like this. So, I'm working on letting go of expectations. I am tired, but it is a good sort of tired. I may not have a huge pile of things that I have done over the course of today, but what I did accomplish was done well and completely.

I am struggling with the desire to run out and get a whole bunch of plants right now. We're not yet past the danger of frost. I have been feeling the powerful urge to get my hands in the dirt and grow things. It is a little bit maddening. But, I am working on being flexible there as well. I am not entirely enjoying this but I suppose it shall pass. I have been puttering around with my houseplants and I'm not sure if I am doing things right with them.

I suppose it would be something to natter on about with Ingvi, but I feel that you would have some interest in it as well. I have managed, somehow, to keep two very small plantlings alive. One is a miniature rosebush that is scarcely the size of my hand. I am pretty sure that I'll have to replant it soon if it keeps growing like it has been. I replanted it last week when the weather was super warm. Now, I'm not sure, but it looks like it has grown a full half inch in all directions. It sports a bright pink bloom. I think I saw another rose budding out today, but I'm not entirely sure. That bud is really small. The miniature rosebush that Beloved got me for Mother's Day is doing pretty well but I suspect that I am going to have to move it to a larger pot soon as well.

I'm really happy that these plants are doing well. The miniature rosebushes that I had in pots on the back deck last year died due to the winter. I am not sure what I'm going to do with those pots this year. I am waiting, however, for the 'three cold kings of May' to pass. I find myself curious as to why the old farmers around here call the 13th, 14th, and 15th of May that. I wish I could talk to my Grandparents about that and my gardening hopes. I miss them. I want to do something special to honor them but I can't think of what. Dedicating books to them is nice but it doesn't feel quite right.

I am finding my anxiety comes in waves of late. I'll have days like today where I am sort of alright. I still find myself anxious but it isn't utterly paralyzing. And then I'll have days like I had a few days ago where even the thought of going out of the house makes me feel like I should go hide. I don't like it but I have taken the anti-anxiety medication when I am really struggling with it. I find myself feeling grumpy about it, but the medication does seem to help. I guess that is all that matters, right?

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