5/6/16

Letter to Loki No. 35

Dear Loki,

I am not sure what to write anymore. I sit down at the keyboard and I just get this ball of anxiety knotted up in my stomach. Thus, I scroll through Facebook desperately wishing it would go away. I find myself afraid that my dream of writing as a career has gone away. And then I find myself struggling to organize my thoughts to just put to pen something in my notebooks and journals. I feel stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have found my self confidence has taken a pretty big hit of late. I don't have the slightest idea what has prompted this. I wish that it would go away. I have found my desire to do much of anything rather low. Still, I made myself get out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I am making myself do the stuff that I need to get done. I don't know if this is where I say that I am depressed or if I am just tired.

I do think part of the problem is hormonal. After my menses not happening for two months, it arrived this week. I've been crampy, tired, and moody because of it, I'm sure. I keep trying not to expect ridiculous things out of myself. I last for about ten minutes, and then I find myself thinking of about fifteen to twenty things that I really should be doing right now, which I have zero energy for. This whole business of giving myself permission not to be perfect is really hard and pretty stressful.

Still, I am making the effort and doing what I can with what I have. I keep looking at that magnet you encouraged me to buy. The one that says "Do more of what makes you happy." I find myself at a loss for where to begin. I feel like there is nothing I can do to be happy. It feels as fickle as the weather. But, I don't know if this is my wonky brain chemistry due to hormones talking. It is very frustrating. I suspect that you have a pretty good feel for this kind of frustration.

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