Taboo lifted, now what?

Waning Pink Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies

Drought status: none

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The taboo that I had on posting here has been lifted. I'm not sure what to write at the moment. I just know that Loki's deemed it a safe and proper time for me to begin posting here about the full weirdness of my spiritual life. And that Freyr agrees.

My relationships with them continues to deepen. I'm coming up out of a depressive episode followed by a mixed episode that were each a few months long. I don't know if this means that I'm going to be hypomanic soon or what. I am a bit gunshy about posting aggressively anywhere right now. I don't want the wackjobs out there to use my UPG to justify their horrible behaviors. It is bad enough that they're using the tenants of mainstream Asatru and heathenry to 'justify' their garbage behavior.

Loki assures me that I'm too small of a fish for people to go after right now. Social phobia insists that everything I am posting is going to bring down disaster on my head and shoulders. Again, the red head pats me on the shoulder, kisses the top of my head, and tells me I worry too much. This has become the standard response when I get anxious over 'silly' things.

I've been told that I'm not allowed to call the stuff I get anxious over 'stupid' unless they're legitimately stupid things. Turns out I don't get anxious over legitimately stupid things. I've been struggling to keep with this whole 'make yourself healthier' business. Stress has my blood sugar up. Doing yoga hasn't been big on my list of things to do because it's been painful. And I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

Shuffle-mancy strikes again as Lindsey Sterling's Something Wild starts playing. I've been told that I have been forgetting myself in my anxiety over everything. Loki and Freyr have been strongly encouraging me to do more for myself in my self-care. The things that make me feel like myself, like wearing a ton of jewelry and writing bad poetry are being encouraged. I am getting told how I should be taking a more positive look at my body. That last one is really hard. I feel like it's turned traitor with how it is having all of these issues with my cptsd, bipolar ii, seasonal affective disorder, and diabetes. I don't feel strong. I feel broken.

Loki and Freyr are both strongly opinionated on that matter. They tell me I need to change my frame of reference because I'm using an outdated mode to look at myself. Thus, they are all but throwing me into therapy of sorts. I can't find a therapist to work with but things keep coming up that push me to writing about my trauma and poor self image.

I've been pushed into making art again. I feel like it's awful, but they tell me to keep working. They tell me that I'm better than I think I am. So, I'm going to start posting up here the devotional art that I've been making. Like the thing above. I don't know where this is all going, but I trust them. I just don't trust myself not to fuck it up. I'm terrified of that. I don't want to screw everything up and have the nightmare of 2011 happen again.

Loki assures me that it won't. Freyr assures me it won't. Beloved assures me that it won't. I'm still afraid. But, they all tell me that doing the hard thing despite being afraid is courage.

[untitled]

I have been writing down my history as part of my Camp NaNoWriMo project. I'm realizing that I've taken a very weird path to get to where I am. I am a very bad example of what would make a good heathen. I'm a very bad example of what would make a good Wiccan. I'm a terrible example of what would make a good Filianist/Déanist. And yet, here I am writing Filianic prayers and rituals. Here I am teaching my kids about the gods of the Norse peoples. Here I am functioning with parts and pieces of the Wiccan ritual format.

Stargazer told me if I remained on the path I was on that I would be rewarded. I've been struggling to do that of late. Depressive episodes and mixed episodes have really cut into my faith and left me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and I should take down my altar. The fact that people at school are indoctrinating my children into Christian thought bothers me to a degree that I struggle to put into words. I don't know who is doing it. But I want to personally kick their ass up around their ears.

I haven't yet heard the boys talking about how they are afraid that we're all going to go to hell. Mostly they've been hearing about how Jesus is a nice god. They've been hearing about the Christian holidays and getting excited about the idea of celebrating them. (They were not pleased when we didn't celebrate Easter like most of our neighbors complete with presents. They did get a small treat for Ostara and I gave them a gift back at the Equinox, but they didn't completely make the connection between the two.)

I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to raise a couple of pagans with out a local community to support me in the process. This is depressing and exhausting. I look at what the homeschooling Christians are doing to educate their children in their spiritual development to get ideas for what I can take and use. It is not going so great. I don't have the resources to make workbooks and packets. I don't have a book of scriptures (because there are so many different myths you don't get just one book and finding kid friendly books of mythology is hard) so I can't sit there and do 'scripture study' with them.

I'm debating introducing them to Filianism because it is structurally similar to Christianity. I'm just not sure if that is a good idea. After all, my eldest has decided to be a devotee of Zeus and gods only know where I'm going to start on helping him build that relationship.

Dreams of late.

Waxing Egg/Pink moon (age 3 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild
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I have been having dreams of my dead coming to me and trying to talk to me but something keeps getting in the way. Sometimes it is a wall of glass. Sometimes it is a river of roaring water. And sometimes I just can't hear them.

I am quite unhappy right now because I seem to have a number of things going off cockeyed. Stress over the last few months has made my blood sugar readings creep higher. My being unwell hasn't helped that any. I am depressed. It's been screwing up everything it seems.

I try to spirit journey and I hit a wall. Or should I say, I am surrounded by fog and I can't get through it, which I know represents my illness. It spring time. I should be past the seasonal affective disorder and on my way into a more productive period. And yet, here I am, depressed and not functioning very well.

I pray but it feels like I am talking to empty air right now. With someone else's voice.

I worry that my malaise will make its way into the things I am working up for charity and some how inflict unease upon the recipient. I am so tired of being sick.