Godspousery Notes No. 1: Support in times of Anxiety.

 Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping for the first time in the last year and a half. I did it because Beloved was completely exhausted from running errands at o' dark thirty for some relatives. So, I took the shopping list and headed out. I was nervous about it because it is the weekend of Black Friday and I'm a social phobe. I was also nervous about driving because of the fact that my astigmatism makes headlights look like starbursts and sometimes make me temporarily blind when I'm driving at night. With sundown being around 4pm now, I had a tight time table and multiple stores to hit.

I'm pretty sure that the random acts of kindness that I ran into as my nerves were beginning to ramp up weren't quite as random as they seemed. When you're involved with a chaotic deity, randomness becomes suspicious when it follows a pattern. In this case the pattern was a combination of people complimenting me on my hat and just moving out of the way right as I was approaching from behind. They didn't see me coming, I didn't have the cart with a squeaky wheel, and there was no indication that anyone around them noticed me. I did warn them as I passed behind them that I was there, because they were so focused on their shopping that I didn't want to startle them. Most of them didn't respond. It was a little eerie because most people respond when I do that with either "Oh! I didn't see you there!" or "Ok, thank you."

I was able to find just about every major item we needed at the discount grocery store. It was a good thing because when I saw what the prices were at the regular grocery store, my jaw just about hit the floor. I had an abstract knowledge that the price of things  had been going up but actually looking at it was an entirely different experience. I was power-walking through the grocery stores because I was uncomfortable. When I was forced to slow down, I encountered people who randomly offered me compliments on my hat or my mask with the roses all over it. I made a point of being as polite and pleasant as I could be despite the urge to just move on as quick as I could to get away from strangers.

It was an uncomfortable experience to be out grocery shopping. I could feel Loki with me, just walking along. He pointed out that the store had a set of black cable knit sweaters. I almost stopped and bought one but I had milk in the back of the car that needed to get home and into the fridge. Today, he's been encouraging me to call the salon and set up a hair appointment for next weekend and insisting I really should go pick up one of those sweaters before they're out of stock. At this time of day, that'd mean part of my drive home would be at dusk. I guess I could do it because it wouldn't be full dark and my vision wouldn't be completely screwed by someone having their high beams on. But I'm real leery of the concept.

It going to be hard in a few weeks when I have to take the car for some appointments and possibly be driving at night to get Beloved from work. I have a problem. My night vision has been steadily getting worse over the last few years. And my astigmatism is enough to fuck that up badly too. Unlike some idiots that I'm related to, I'm not going to get a pair of sunglasses to wear when I drive at night. Because I know the problem isn't the brightness of what I'm looking at as much as there's something physically not right in my eye. Sunglasses isn't going to fix that and it will make it an order of magnitude harder to watch for wild life running out into the road.

After I had gotten all of the shopping done and was home, Loki said he was proud of me for going out on my own for a longer time than I had in just about a year. I think that Loki kept nudging nice people into my path to give me encouragement to keep going. He does things like that.

Godspousery Notes: I've lost count, time to reset the counter. :)

 Where do I begin? I have been struggling with mental health stuff for about half a year now. I've been struggling with sleep for about the same length of time. Now my seasonal depression is kicking me in the teeth and we've got all the wonderful stress of the holidays going on. On top of that, I came to the sad conclusion that my night vision is bad enough that I simply can not drive when the sun is down. This severely restricts my options in going out to do stuff.

On one hand, I kinda knew this was coming down the line because my night vision has been degrading for a while. On the other hand, I'm really upset because I feel like the world has gotten smaller and I am yet more trapped in my own home by circumstance. Loki and Freyr have done their best to comfort me and assure me that this is not an awful thing. It's really hard though, because I've developed a fear of going blind after the experience about 3 years ago when my blood sugar was high enough that it screwed with my vision and everything was blurry.

Beloved assures me that since I've got my blood sugar and other matters under control, I shouldn't fear going blind anytime soon. He suggested that laser surgery could possibly fix my astigmatisms (I've got 2 in one eye and 1 in the other.) and maybe even help me regain some of my night vision. I am just really sad about this and how much these vision issues have negatively impacted my life. I love astronomy but with my night vision problems, it's harder to see the stars (never mind the light pollution makes my eyes have problems too). It just about makes me want to cry.

The vision thing is the latest in a series of running problems. Over the course of one week, I developed an allergy to latex, shellfish, and Aleve. So, I can't use dishwashing gloves now. I can't eat my favorite soup any more (clam chowder). And I can only take Tylenol (or its generic counterpart) for my intermittent migraines. Let me tell you, Tylenol is about as useful during a migraine as spitting into the ocean. It's next to useless with my arthritis, but I try anyways. That week I got angry with Loki who held up his hands and said, "Hey, this isn't mischief. This is your body hating you, again." So, I got weepy and upset over the fact that my meat suit is malfunctioning, again. He tried to cheer me up with jokes and stuff, he really did try. It's just hard to accept that my body has a laundry list of issues that just are getting worse as I get older, it seems.

I've got someone I care about in a bad situation that I can't do a damn thing to help. I can pray, but that's about it. The awful part of it is the fact that I have been running into flashbacks to past trauma because of a number of things. This started about half a year ago and just hasn't stopped. My psychologist has been wonderful about doing his best to help me. When Loki, Freyr, or Beloved notice that my brain weasels are getting out of control, they remind me that I have another dose of anxiety medication to shut them up. The flashbacks to past trauma have ranged from emotional ones to completely reliving the experience. (Fortunately, the last one only happened once so far.)

Freyr has been leaning on me to do more self-care. Loki's been throwing things that help that process into my path (like the random discovery of a lotion that is specifically for diabetic skin that is sensitive and I don't react to it at all). I've been struggling with it. Last night after my shower, as I was applying lotion to pretty much everything, I felt like a greased sausage. It was humiliating. My super dry skin was very itchy. The places where I had cracked skin was sore and the places where there's skin buildup was extremely uncomfortable. I mentioned how I felt about all this to Beloved. He gently chided me that I wasn't a greased sausage but a woman with a skin condition.

As I was in the process of trying to get some rest, I got a stern talking to from Loki about my 'exceedingly uncharitable and inappropriate' comment about myself. I was firmly reminded that negative self-talk like that is not acceptable and I had to knock it off. Communication with Loki and Freyr has been alternating between stuff like 'hey, are you ok? you can talk to me," affectionate stuff, and stern reminders that negative self-talk and neglecting my welfare is unacceptable. When I was really upset about how somethings weren't going quite right in my relationship with Beloved, the two of them told me that I was going to talk to him about it or there was going to be a consequence.

The last time I ignored them on something important like that, I found myself in a position where the issue was right in my face the whole time until it got fully addressed. So, I talked to Beloved. Had a meltdown over the fact that I have emotional needs at all. And got reminded that I was raised in a household where basic needs like eating were treated as reward/luxury items for me rather than necessities and punishments for having needs happened on a regular basis. It was a hard day.

I'm just trying to keep my head glued together. Loki's been attempting to cheer me up and get me to shrug off some of the depressive symptoms. It sort of works for a little while and then it doesn't. Freyr's been really big on how I need to take better care of myself and kinda using the carrot and a stick approach when I dig my heels in about refusing to do so.

Somehow in all of this, I wrote a devotional for Loki. It's up on Amazon as an e-book and a paperback. The paperback has more stuff to it. 

Godspousery Notes No. ???

 They're begging me not to do it. I'm so tempted to start starving myself again. Eating the bare minimum of what my carb load requirements has dropped my A1C from 12 three years ago to 6.4 as of my last appointment. Stress has been making my fasting blood sugars creep up, aggravated by the 'dawn phenomenon' where people have their body producing more blood sugar to wake them up in the morning. I feel like I can't eat a proper meal anymore. Breakfast is a small cup of yogurt and a 1/4 cup of granola. Lunch was sandwiches and salads. But as I find my brain getting bad again, I've turned to nutritional bars that hit that bare minimum threshold of carb requirements.

I'm not doing the keto diet. But I am devolving back into disordered eating. I am struggling to make myself eat in front of people. Those nutritional bars allows me to wolf down food before I have to put together food for the kids. It's the knot in the rope I'm holding on to so I don't fall back into that hole. In the last three months, my weight dropped by five lbs. It's not because of miraculous activity. It's because I realize that I've been doing this thing for the last three months.

I just am so tempted to just go back to eating the bare minimum I need to stay alive. Diabetes has cut so many foods out of my life. All my comfort foods are gone. All of the replacements for those comfort foods are gone now too because my texture/flavor sensitive family can't handle them. I'm sick of fighting to get the kids to eat. They're underweight because of their medication. I have tried a diverse number of foods and they keep resisting them.

So, after a family meeting, the menu is now hamburgers on Monday, tacos on Tuesday, meatloaf and potatoes on Wednesday, rotisserie chicken on Thursday with potatoes, and fish sticks on Fridays. Saturdays are 'cheat' days where fast food is acquired. Sundays are family dinners at the in-laws which tend to be defined by my father-in-law's pickiness about food being too spicy, looking weird, or has too many vegetables. And he's vocal about his pickiness to the point that he's bitched about my cooking to my face. I was good and I didn't flip the table over. I seriously thought about it. His comfort foods just happens to look a lot like what the menu that's been assembled for the week. So, I can't escape it.

Very little on this menu is diabetic friendly. So, I am only going to eat small portions. I can't help it because if I eat a 'normal' portion, my blood sugar spikes. I am just going to have to learn to ignore hunger again. Freyr is just about in tears over this because he's deeply worried that it's going to have catastrophic effects on my health. Loki is toweringly angry with me for not saying anything during the family meeting about my dietary needs.

But, I can't do this business of cooking multiple meals every day at a given meal time. I tried. It didn't work out. I can't apparently make food that would theoretically hit everybody's dietary needs (because the kids need high carb and high protein diets to gain weight) because what I make is disgusting to the rest of the family. Beloved said, "Let's do a family meeting and get the input from the kids on what they'll actually eat." So we did that. As it went on, I realized, nothing I could say or do was going to change the outcome.

I used to love cooking once I got past the emotional trauma of being psychologically abused over my skills as a housekeeper and cook by my parents. Now, I dread it. Nothing I made was good enough in my parents house. If something went wrong, it was my fault, even if the error was a misprint in the recipe. For twenty years, I was told that I was a terrible cook and all of that is coming back up now with my kids being like they are about the food. And with my husband's tendency to pick up fast food because what I made for dinner doesn't appeal to him, and then I find the bags in the garbage with the leftovers of what I cooked.

I gave up on leftovers as something to eat the next day. Because I was the only one who would eat them. And when 90% of what you cooked is left, it's depressing. Things are just getting worse on this front every day. I'm sitting here incredibly hungry because I skipped my afternoon snack so that I didn't eat too many carbs. Lunch is just about always peanut butter spread across diet flat-bread when it isn't one of those nutrition bars. Either case, my dietician would say that it's not ideal. 

Which is really fucking funny because she's the one who got me started back on this bullshit. When my old glucometer bit the dust, she was telling me to restrict my meals and eliminate snacks to get better numbers on my 3 year old meter. Never did it occur to her that the problem was the meter. I went in for my regular appointment with the doctor, just about in tears, explaining that I was a recovered person with an eating disorder that's threatening to come back because of what the dietician was directing me to do. It was the doctor who asked me how old my meter was. He was astonished and horrified when I told him and immediately prescribed a new meter and accoutrements. My readings now are half of what the old meter was reading.

But, I can't get that woman saying that I need to have a fasting blood sugar of 90 out of my head. When I have a fasting blood sugar over 120, I eat less than 30 carbs for breakfast in an effort to force that number lower when the medication kicks in. On a given day, my total carbs now is around 150. When I stress eat, it's cheese or meat. I've given up on fruit, even as part of a meal, with the exception of the dried apricots which I calculated is 3 carb per apricot. I allow myself 4 at most as a snack, that's 12 carbs when according to the prescribed diet my range is 10 to 15 carbs for a snack. My total carbs for a meal is 30 to 45. If you're doing the math, my total carbs are pretty low.

I can't talk to Beloved about this. I get so upset that I just start blubbering. I'm humiliated. I am defeated by this. Loki keeps telling me to tell Beloved that this is going on. I can't though. He's carrying the weight of supporting the family on his shoulders. He's working at a job that's barely afloat, primarily because of his efforts. I can't add this to that. I just have to figure out a work-around. But I can't seem to think of anything because the damn eating disorder and all that disgust with myself that was literally beaten into me for eating by my parents gets in the way.

The last three months have been real hard. I haven't been sleeping well for about a year now. It's gotten real bad over the last three months to the point that my psych has put me on a second antipsychotic because of its sedative effect (I'm on one for my bipolar II with psychotic features, which is working and at about the highest dose they give.) With the sleep problems, I am more prone to c-ptsd problems. With the c-ptsd problems, I am more prone to eating disorder problems.

I'm a fucking mess. I'm posting this on the blog that only two of you read. I'm not going to do something stupid. I'm just struggling and venting. I know that if I put this on any of my other blogs, there'll be drama somewhere. I'm going to try, again, tonight to talk to Beloved about my eating issues. I really don't want to find out what Loki would do to inform Beloved that I'm back on that bullshit again. And I don't want Freyr to cry over me. It hurts. And I know that Loki's anger at the situation is covering up his pain and concern. Because, that's what he does with me in the dynamic that we've got.

So, that's what's on my mind and why I haven't posted shit in forever. My brain is in a bad place. I'm not depressed but I'm not well for so many reasons. That, however, is something for another day.

30 days for Freyr - Roadblocks.

 I've been desperately trying to keep up on my writing but failing left, right, and center. I've been having some problems over the last several weeks. Three weeks ago, I put my back out and I was out of commission for a week. About two months now, I have been having severe problems with insomnia. This is having a negative impact on my ability to focus to write or do much of anything. The apartment is kinda a mess again because I've had the attention span of a goldfish. Throw on top of this, for the last three weeks I have been having difficulties with my C-PTSD and experiencing a lot of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks at random with great frequency.

I'm working with my doctor to get these things resolved but I know that this is not a case of 'Take this pill and you'll be better in a week.' But, it is making things like devotional writing hard. If you follow me on Tumblr, I'm a bit irregular in my morning little prayers right now. I'm stressed out and dissociating on a fairly regular basis. My problems sleeping make me more prone to doing that. I'm not entirely sure why.

Last night was the first night in the last two months I got something that resembled a full night of sleep. I only woke up twice and that was to get a drink of water. All this stress has my blood sugar running kinda high in the morning and I've been stress eating stuff like cheese. I think the only reason why this post is not gibberish is because I got more than 4 hours of sleep last night. I'm also on my second pot of coffee. That magical potion that turns me from a zombie into a semi-functional person.

Freyr has been concerned. Loki's been concerned. Beloved is concerned. The only ones who are not concerned are my kids, who don't really know what's going on because I do my best to mask my symptoms around them because they find them distressing. Which is exhausting. I don't know what the solution to this problem is going to be. I just hope that all of this doesn't land me into an depressive or a manic episode. Either would be real bad right now.

But that's why I haven't been posting. Because my brain is shit right now. I don't even know why I can't sleep. I fall asleep ok but I keep waking up after a large chunk of my bedtime medication wears off. The other night, I woke up six times in a row, despite taking the melatonin as my doctor advised. I think the fact I slept last night is based on the fact that I was so tired I was literally stumbling over my own feet.

30 days for Freyr - Day 4

 I love him for his generosity and kindness. I love him for how he takes care of his people (and often those who are around them as well). I love him for how good he is to the world and doesn't ask anything for it in return. I love him for the way plants grow and bloom in his presence. I love him for how he is always encouraging me to be my best self. I love him for how he loves me.

30 days for Freyr - Day 3

 I know that he is with me. I know it as surely as I know that objects on Earth fall at the velocity of 32 ft/s/s and that the Sun rises in the East. But today was a bad brain day. I'm heart sick and terrified of things from the past. It makes my head full of noise and shutters my 'second sight'. I just want to cry but I can't because of past trauma. Freyr tells me on a regular basis that there's no shame in my tears. He tells me that they're as natural and necessary as the rain. And that I shouldn't fight so hard to stop them from falling. But pain and psychological agony keep me stone-faced because I was taught as a child that crying was weakness and weakness was always punished. Some day, maybe, I'll be healed enough that I can cry. Today is not that day. At least Freyr understands that and has never told me that my tears (shed or unshed) were weakness.

30 days for Freyr - Day 2: A poem

 Pining for Autumn's beauty
Gazing upon a skin-shed
Holding a hollow skull
Life is fleeting
So it is that I must go
To transform
To transcend
To the little death of the seed
So that the mighty oak may grow

30 days for Freyr - Day 1 (really late)

 I am not well right now. I put my back out around the middle of last week picking up a stupid piece of paper. Life's been busy and a pain in the neck because it's been hard to have the focus to write anything, anywhere, in any format. Now, I have to rest my back and sit or lay and pretty much do nothing until this spasm goes away. I'm hoping that it'll be a week and then everything's fine. The pain is pretty much managed by the Aleve and Tylenol. The muscle relaxer is helping me a lot too but it's making my brain run a bit slower and I feel kinda spaced out (like with Benadryl sans the out-of-body sensation).

Now, you may ask what this misfortune has to do with Freyr. It's really simple. I'm posting here for the whole world to know that he was right. I got cocky and stopped making time for my exercises for my back after I fell about two years ago. Then the pandemic came along and I pretty much stopped exercising all together. The entire time, Freyr was gently telling me I really needed to do at least some yoga to strengthen my core muscles. I hate yoga because the stretching is painful for me to do in 90% of the poses and most of the poses make me lose my balance.

Cue last Wednesday when I stooped to pick up a partial sheet of loose leaf paper one of my sons left on the living room floor. I went to stand back up and it hurt. Being a practical woman, I took some Aleve. It still hurt. Thursday morning, the Aleve had worn off and my pain was a 9 out of a scale of 1 to 10. The last time I had a 9, I was in labor with my youngest son and Beloved cracked a joke which made me laugh during a contraction. As I am typing this, Freyr is reminding me that if I don't put my glasses on soon, I'm going to give myself a headache. So, I'm going to listen to him and put them on. Because failing to listen to him combined with my natural clumsiness equates to misfortune. (And Loki pinning my ears back for not being more careful.)

Pandemic stress is hard on a necromancer.

 I'm writing this here instead of my other witchy blog or my personal blog because I think it fits here better. I don't know.

We're a year and a half (a little over actually) into this pandemic business and I'm frayed. I am struggling on the spiritual level a fair amount because of the fact that I'm pretty isolated geographically from the pagan community that I was participating in before this thing hit. I was just coming out of my shell and stuff. Then Covid-19 arrived on the scene and everything went to shit.

Around the time of early January 2019, my guides and all of my ancestors were telling me not to do divination for the upcoming year. We all know what kind of a shit show 2019 was. I came out of 2019 worn out and confused by why the dead were so many and so restless. Now, I understand. The constant static of a ton of psychic voices was cacophony in my head to the point that I was a little worried that my depression medication wasn't working properly.

Under the guidance of the All-Father, I put up wards around my home to keep all but my familial dead out. Gradually, the psychic pressure of the restless dead reached a point that going out of the house was a literal headache. At that point, the wards got extended to include the entire property and a ward got attached to my medical id bracelet. It went from noise to silence. Again, I was left wondering if my medications were working properly.

I still feel them out there. The lost souls looking for their route to where they're supposed to go. There's so many of them. There's more than just human souls that are in this position. The mass deaths that have happened over the last three years have left an imprint. This imprint on the psychic level of reality isn't going away anytime soon. But, like any other hollow space, it fills up. In this case, with spirits.

I'm a necromancer. It's my thing to talk to and generally deal with the spirits of the dead. Has been since I was a small child (and I suspect it runs in the family). Shutting down this part of myself has left me feeling out of sorts and like I'm missing something vital to my being. But, I'm being cautioned against opening up because we're not done with this pandemic. The warnings I get is that this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

Those warnings set off my anxiety issues. Add to that the legitimate reasons to be anxious about Covid-19 and its possible influence on my family, you just get an emotional mess. Now, the stress of all of this got to the point where my sleep was screwed up. That's very bad for a person with bipolar disorder. It is equally bad for a person with posttraumatic stress disorder. I happen to have both in spades. So, my doctor put me on medication to help me sleep and tweaked my other medications to help me with the anxiety (and attendant depression). 

Here I am, a little over a year and a half later, I still feel that psychic pressure. When I go out, it's like static electricity all around me. It's only gotten more intense as time has gone on. I veil and that static like feeling is pushed back. The problem is, the people where I live are not ... tolerant of anything that looks even remotely Islamic. The veil style that provides the most shelter for me is the headrail, which looks identical to the shyla because there's only so many ways you can wrap a bit of fabric about your head. 

I wear kerchiefs but it isn't the same. I'm working on trying to come up with ways I can both not be overwhelmed by the restless dead's need for someone to point the way and still be psychically active. Right now, the only thing that I can do with out something going haywire is basic divination. But, even that is getting a little weird. Which means the pressure on the wards is getting higher. Which isn't surprising.

Covid-19 jumps and mutates incredibly fast. It kills easily and in a horrific way. It's a terrifying disease. The mass deaths it's caused is warping reality a bit because there are so many restless souls. I pray that with the Hunt season, those souls will all be brought to where they're supposed to be. At the same time, it feels like Hunt season from 2019 never ended.

July for loki post no 19: i surrender.

 Enough stuff has gone sideways over the last two weeks, I just give up. Apparently I am doing to much or trying to do too much or something. I don't know. I just know that I've been having things proverbially go explody left, right, and center for the last several days. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I just can't fake a smile and push on. 

No idea what that means for all the stuff I have to do. Loki keeps telling me to open my hands and let the pieces fall. Whatever pieces I'm holding on to, I'm just letting drop. I don't have the spoons for all of the drama. In other news, thieves suck and I want my planter back so but I can't have it back because it's evidence now. I was going to get some flowers and put them in it and I was going to take that strawberry planter and put the ton of spider plant babies into it. But some moron stole a big planter full of dirt and a mostly dead rosebush and my strawberry planter. 

*sighs* This shit is exhausting. I don't know wtf the message is, if there even is one. Who the hell fucking steals a two cubic foot planter full of dirt? Seriously? I guess the flowers I get to have are the ones I either make out of yarn or buy from the store. 2021 sucks.

July for Loki post no, 18

A Litany for Loki (from my new book)

Hail Loki

Hail to the Friend of the Traveler

Hail to the Sky-Treader

Hail to the Cunning One

Hail to the Scar-Lipped Speaker of Unwelcome Truths

Hail to the mischievous Lie-Smith

Hail to the Tale Spinner

Hail to the Thunderer's Companion

Hail to the Dweller within Victory's embrace

Hail to the Net-Maker and the Salmon

Hail to the slayer of Otar of the waters

Hail to the thief and restorer of Sif's hair

Hail to the Father of Monsters

Hail to the Mother of witches and trolls

Hail to the Bound-God who walks free

Hail to the Lover of Angrboda

Hail to the Blood-Brother of Helblind

Hail to the Curious One

Hail to the Friend of Humanity

Hail to the Guardian of the Hearth-fire

Hail  to the famed son of Laufey

Hail to the Champion of the outcast

Hail to the Giver of Strange Gifts

Hail to the Wolf's Father

Hail to the Watchman's Bane

Here's the link if you want to buy a copy. It's a short read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no. 17

 I have been slowly feeling my mood drop as we move farther away from the summer solstice. I am pretty sure it's my seasonal affective disorder beginning to rear its head. This morning, as I was attempting to write in my journal, Loki said to me, "It's not too early to break out that special light and start using it." I've been resisting the urge to do so because I just feel like a fool sitting there with that 'happy light' running when the sun is in the process of rising. I was considering bickering with him about it when he reminded me, "If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, store bought it fine. If you can't get enough sunlight, a sun lamp is fine. Think about your plants and grow lights."

So, this argument in place, I have to figure out how I am going to fit in 30 min of time with the 'happy light' where it's the only major light source in the room at the correct angle. I don't know how I'm going to do this. My apartment is laid out terribly and the one room that would be ideal for that doesn't have enough outlets or a table for me to put the light on. Ugh. I hate being wrong but I hate even more not being able to implement the solution to the problem that I was in denial about. I'm sure that Loki will have some kind of idea, he's crafty like that.

But yea, SAD sucks.

July for Loki post no. 16

 So, Beloved and I get back from visiting his elderly parents. As I go to get out of the car I see that his travel mug of coffee from the day before is sitting in the cup holder. I pick it up. Instead of finding the usual handful of change sitting in the bottom of the cup holder underneath the mug, I find a calcified chicken nugget. 

Beloved's confused and then he starts howling with laughter. He says to me, "Hey, babe, I think your boss gave you a chicken mc-fuck-it." It had been an exasperating day. I was about to say something to the effect that I was out of fucks to give. Then this happened. I tossed the chicken nugget out into the wild so some feral cat could have it.

"Well, there goes my last fuck," I said. Beloved exploded with laughter. The boys, who were out of the car and on their way into the house at the time were very confused by all of this because they didn't hear the conversation.

Flame-Hair, supplier of fucks when you run out?

July for Loki post no. 15

 I keep having emotional flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid over the last few days. Loki sat with me last night and told me, "Just because they feel real doesn't mean that they're happening now." I got very upset when he told me that. I asked him then if what I experience with him and Freyr are just simply manufactured by my broken brain. Loki reminded me of the time I was inpatient for a suicidal episode including psychotic features. After I had gotten a dose of Haldol to quiet the auditory hallucination of my mother screaming at me to kill myself, Loki said quiet calmly, "Can you hear me now?"

I just about wept with relief. I was terrified that my mystical experiences were all hallucinations after the first bout of psychotic experiences about ten years ago. Haldol is a serious business antipsychotic. It shuts down that part of your brain that is putting out the garbage information that's telling you something is there that isn't. It has a few odd things about it, like going from absolute panic to feeling like you're wrapped up in a warm, heavy blanket and your heart rate slowing down. But, I knew that with the Haldol I was going to get relief from the screaming. 

Then Loki spoke up. Suddenly, I understood that all of my mystical experiences were real. He was with me, even when the place turned into utter chaos later at dinner time. It wasn't like a full scale riot. But the moment the full moon cleared the horizon, chairs were getting thrown, people were shoving each other, and I was trapped in a corner cowering behind a table, praying that the violence was going to stay on the other side of the room. As I was there, Loki was with me telling me that I was going to be ok and I just had to focus on my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Eventually, the hospital staff got the dining room under control. I came out of my hiding spot, shaking but doing my best not to show fear. When they sent everyone back to their rooms early, I was relieved. I laid down in my bed and just faced the window and prayed that it wasn't going to happen again.

Loki sat at the foot of the bed and told me that everything was going to be ok. One may ask, where was Freyr in the midst of this. Well, he was standing between me and the brawl. Later, when I was in my room, he was standing at the doorway. And as I had been pacing, Loki was on my left side as Freyr was on my right, just quietly bearing witness to what I was doing and dealing with. I think the reason why Loki spoke up and was focused on calming me down is because I've known Loki longer and was more likely to listen to him.

But, yeah, that was a thing that happened.

July for Loki post no. 14

 I should have put this in the last post, but here's the book cover. It's out under the pen name I use for my religious oriented and spiritually oriented writing. Here's a link if you want to grab a copy: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no 13

 Nothing like having life get in the way of blogging. Somedays, I feel like I should give up but those are particularly bad days. Mainly, I've been busy trying to get through stuff like my eldest son having an emergency dental appointment on Tuesday and family business on Wednesaday. The apartment is a disaster with laundry piled up everywhere and a stack of dishes waiting to be done. On the other hand, I finally finished the Lokean devotional I was working on and got it published.

Working on that project was an experience and a half. Loki put in a lot of input on how he wanted me to assemble the thing. He insisted that the Lokean rosary (he insisted it was a rosary, not prayer beads) be the first thing people encounter in the book. So that wound up at the beginning. I can't help the anxiety that this is going to rile a lot of people up and get me a bunch of hate. Loki, however, assures me that this is going to be fine and I have more to worry about the Aristasian's coming out of the woodwork to bitch about my work on the Clear Recital: Children of Déa Version. 

I checked on KDP to see if there'd been any book sales of any sort this week. Some eager beavers decided to pick up copies of the Lokean devotional and someone read it all the way through in one sitting. Now, it's not a long or a hefty book. Coming in at a mere 20 pages, you can get through this pretty quickly. I was just surprised that as soon as I posted the link to the sales page, there were to purchases. I figured it'd take a week or so for that to happen. I've only started the marketing process.

It is my hope that this devotional gives other Lokeans a jumping off point for building their own devotional practices. I honestly don't know why Loki wanted a Catholic style rosary but that got in there. Maybe to introduce people to the concept that the can repurpose prayer traditions from their former faith. All I know is that I just hope this helps devotees of Loki feel more secure and comfortable with their practices. Loki assures me that this book is going to help people, and that's all I want.

July for Loki: Post 12

 He laughs and it's music to my ears no matter what form he takes. Loki is just someone that I adore. He's been with me through horrific times and wonderful times. He basically threw me at the love of my life, going 'NOW KISS!!' when we were little more than kids. Loki's been the source of humor that carried me through some horrible shit when I was a kid. Loki's sense of humor is dark, sardonic, and hilarious. He is the one who cracks jokes at a funeral about the dead guy in the box that make people giggle despite themselves.

Sometimes, Loki speaks through me. The experience of channeling Loki is probably one of the most intimate things I've ever had. Channeling can put you in the position where you're in the passenger seat of your brain observing what's  happening. It can also throw you into the trunk and leave you completely in the dark about what's going on. Loki, typically, puts me in the back seat as he is doing things and holding a conversation with me at the same time. The times where I end up in the trunk, it's always with a bit of warning before hand (unlike some deities) and he usually makes smart comments before it happens about my kinks. It's a weird experience to have him hitting the kink buttons before he takes over to talk to someone. When I come out of the trance, I'm frustrated but not at the same time and he's smug.

It's an experience and a half to channel Loki. Especially when it is his World-Breaker aspect because there's something of a D/s thing between him and I. Of all the deities that I have channeled, Loki is on the short list of the ones I trust completely because he's always taken care of me. There've been times where the handling was a bit rough, but in the end it always works out for the best. (Even that lesson where I fell down a flight of stairs and a snow shovel caught me. He resorted to drastic measures because I was being particularly hard headed. When I start heading down the path of being that hard headed, he reminds me about that little trip.)

July for Loki: Post No. 11

 Posting this one a day early because tomorrow is going to be busy.

On a more serious note, Loki isn't the cause of all of the Aesir's problems. Some of it is the Aesir doing dumb shit. For example, the prophecy that Fenrir, Jorgmundr, and Hela were going to cause the destruction of the Aesir got put into motion when the Aesir took the children from Angrboda. If they just left them alone, I suspect that things would have gone differently. When Baldur gains a degree of immortality from Frigga running all about Midgard asking everything not to harm her son (except for the young mistletoe plant), he should have kept that under his hat. Frigga shouldn't have talked about it. But, she did and Loki puts that dart in Hodr's hand to ensure that Baldur goes to her Thing.

Loki's mischief is not malice (most of the time). He's acting as the hand of the Norns in many cases. In other situations, he's bringing the solution to a larger problem by way of creating smaller problems. (Remember, the wall about Asgard is not complete for a reason. And that made a place where they could put the fire to burn Thjazi.) I tire of people saying that Loki's evil. I tire of people saying that he is the Norse Satan. Most of all, I am exhausted with people saying that Loki is "just a myth".

That, however, will be a rant for another day.

July for Loki: Post No. 10

 Y'all have seen the Norse crisis flow chart? Allow me to present another flow chart that works as well.

July for Loki: Post No. 9

 I don't know what to write because I've been so busy trying to organize the chaotic mess that is my home. Loki just chuckles at my efforts because the boys manage to undo them right behind me. Children are chaos engines. They don't tell you that. They say that they're cute and adorable. They say that they're bright and full of potential. They don't tell you if you give your 11 year old the slightest information about how mechanics work (talking about physics stuff), they will immediately build a catapult with out having seen one in operation before. They don't tell you if you give your 13 year old any information about relationships that it rapidly leads to awkward questions about sex. (Loki finds it hilarious that both Beloved and I are unsure how to explain it to the kid who wrote a 'romance' story in school that made his teacher blush. The son in question has refused to show me the story he wrote, insisting he needs to revise it and make it better. We're kind of dreading what better means.)

As Beloved and I stumble our way through parenting, Loki has been amused, given suggestions, and outright laughed at the situation as we're trying desperately to keep our cool and not do the same. Apparently we're hilarious as a family. Like the day we caught the boys trying to impress each other with the best insults they could think of. Vulgarities were flying and then they both went "OH SHIT! IT'S MOM AND DAD!" Beloved and I damn near died with the effort it took not to start cracking up. Flame-Hair was in hysterics. Stuff like this happens just about every day. I was not warned about this aspect of raising children. It is SO hard not to laugh when they're at their antics. And if you crack and start smiling or laugh, they'll keep hammering on the ridiculousness button until it breaks. (I swear they get that from their father, who's been attempting to assassinate me via jokes timed while I have been eating for over thirty years. Again, Loki finds it hilarious. Especially the time that whiskey shot out my nose. Whenever I start coming down with a cold, Loki suggests a nasal rinse with cheap whiskey as he giggles.)

But, yeah, kids = chaos engines. And that's why Loki love kids so much. They naturally just get along.

July for Loki: Post no. 8

 An excerpt from the Lokean devotional that I'm working on this month.

A Lokean Creed

I believe in Loki. I believe in the early days of Midgard that Loki, with Odin and Hoenir, gave humanity their shape, nature, life essence, and all of the comely hues of humanity. I believe that Loki is mighty and benevolent. I believe that Loki is the Lie-Smith who speaks the unwelcome truth. I belive that Loki is the Bound-god who walks free. I believe that Loki is the Giver of Strange Gifts and the wondrous treasures of the Aesir. I believe that Loki is both mother and father to wondrous and mighty children. I believe that Loki is the Sky-Treader and the companion of the Traveler. I believe that Loki is the Tangler and the breaker of knots as the World-Breaker. I believe that Loki, as the World-Breaker, brings change and serves the Norns in his mischief unto the end of Ages and the time of the renewal of all things.

July for Loki: Post no 7

 Loki is a stickler for authenticity. He wants me to be who I am regardless of who it pisses off. I think this is why he's so proud of the work I did on the Clear Recital and the team's efforts. He keeps telling me not to be upset and anxious about the Aristasian/Shining Daughter of Harmony's kerfluffle over it. They're coming out of the wood work to complain and it's upsetting. I've written a rebuttal to the post decrying the edition that we put out and I've been doing my best to put that out of mind (and not read the comments). But my social phobia is acting up and makes me want to clamp down on all kinds of expression.

Loki has been firmly admonishing me for that. He says that the point of my growth process through the pandemic period is having enough breathing room for me to throw off the shackles of the past. The irony of discovering that wearing my bdsm collar helps me stay grounded in the present (very important for both my anxiety disorder and my ptsd), boosts my mood (very helpful with my bipolar disorder and seasonal depression), and reminds me/makes me feel loved by Beloved when he's not here to cuddle me when I'm upset ... well, the reason why that is ironic is because my parents (whom I am estranged from) flipped out in a bad way over a joke keychain that involved a teddy bear in bondage gear. They threatened to disown me if I was 'into that shit,' among other things. Now that I am just about 20 years out from under their thumb, I am finally wearing clothes that makes me feel good and that collar fits right into the look and makes me happy.

I'm still trying to figure out what's ok for what Beloved calls the NPCs. I had a ribbon choker that I made but I started reacting to the metal finding that served as a clasp after I wore the fake patina off of it. I'm reacting to the bdsm collar's metal work because it's not stainless steel. Beloved's ordered me a new collar. I'm both excited and nervous about wearing it. Loki is very firmly stating when I get like this, "Wearing it is healthy for you, so you're going to wear it." This is the same side of Loki who admonishes me to take my anxiety medications. He says that there's a solution to the problem of something collar like that will not upset the more vanilla family members that we're involved with. The kids are all 'whatever, Mom's just being weird again.'  Loki hasn't said what the solution to that problem is, but he seems to have an idea that he'll reveal at the 'right' time.

July for Loki: Post no 6

 Dear Reader,

I know I'm behind by 3 posts. I may cheat and post up some memes that remind me of Loki. It's been a very busy week so far with the kids going to summer school and my having two days worth of errands to run. Loki has been insistent that I don't skip my time doing tarot reading in the afternoons. As he put it, "You need to talk to real adults too." My social phobia has been acting up again. I was just about ready to walk out of the store with out getting anything when Loki said, "You really need to get more black shirts for your wardrobe, this way laundry day doesn't break your aesthetic. And maybe you should look for some jewelry." I thought about arguing with him when he continued to say, "You don't want to have wasted the gas to drive here just to turn around and not get what you need, do you?"

Practical Loki is practical when he feels like it. It's maddening when he does that. Happy Fun Ball Loki is silly and full of jokes. When he's being practical and shit, I know that he's serious about something. In this case, it is getting me used to the idea of being the person who goes out into public to do stuff. The pandemic and the isolation of it all did not do good things for my brain. It was Loki pushing me to go out and mail the package for my niece while the weather wasn't awful that got me moving. And the next thing I know, I'm at the store buying clothes and being semi-social with random strangers. It was a bizarre and uncomfortable experience to be one of the very few people still masking right now. Again, Loki assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I was definitely making the right decision to wear the mask.

Yesterday was exhausting from the shopping trip to keeping up with a couple of kids who were wired most of the afternoon (which lead to some  personality collisions). Loki assures me that once they're settled into the routine of summer school things are going to get easier. He's also insisting that the projects that I am worried are going to be a disaster are going to go just fine and the kids will have some awesome memories to come out of them. I hope so. I feel like we're on the verge of a shut down again. I don't know if I can handle the business of homeschooling for a few weeks while the school gets everything sorted out to do distance learning for the whole district again if that happens.

On that matter, Loki doesn't tell me that I'm over reacting. He says that it's wise to be cautious. When Mr. I Don't Fear Anything but Thor When He's Pissed Off says that, I get a little more nervous. So, my family are practicing the Covid-19 safety protocols with the encouragement and blessing of the gods, including Loki. Who regularly reminds me when I go to leave the house to bring a mask. It's the little things that show you they care.

July for Loki: Post No 5

 I finally have some inspiration for the devotional I'm writing. Forget the process of converting the Christian prayers to something for Loki. Just write something entirely different that fits the need. Once that struck me, I started having my brain meats churning towards actual ideas on how to proceed forward with this manuscript that I'm working on during Camp NaNoWriMo (happening this month). I am going to do it the hard way, drafting concepts out on paper before typing them up. But, that makes it easier to rearrange and rework material for me as I am in the flow of working on a project. As I get some of these prayers done, I'll post some up here for you to get a preview. I can finally get that 'Catholic' rosary done for Loki. I've been struggling with this since he asked a while back. If I'm lucky, I'll manage it over the course of a few days like I did the Filianic conversion of the Catholic rosary.

July for Loki: Post No 4 - Wait, wut?

 As Beloved and I were trying to come up with a good way to describe how Loki fits into the Norse pantheon, Flame-Hair volunteered "I'm the Swiss army knife of gods." Beloved lost it his shit laughing because he was about to say something similar to that. I face palmed and Loki was smug as hell. 

A few minutes later, Beloved and I are in the kitchen talking and he accidentally says Loki's name (which Beloved avoids doing as to avoid getting more of Flame-hair's attention than he already does) and our eldest child pops up going "Did you call me?" He was highly offended when we began laughing in hysterics. No, my eldest son is not named Loki, his name is entirely different. (We named him for Beloved's maternal grandfather who was a major positive influence on Beloved while the man was alive.) My eldest is a bit of a chaos engine right now because of puberty, which only made him popping up after Loki's name got mentioned funnier. Beloved explained to our son that we weren't laughing at him but the circumstances. The lad said, "That's not funny." Hubby and I lost it again and our son marched off to his room muttering about his crazy parents.

We're pretty sure that Loki got as much of a laugh out of that whole exchange as we did.

July for Loki post no 3

 Me: Why a Catholic rosary?

Loki:

Me: *headdesk*

July for Loki post no 2

 I'm stuck. How in the nine worlds do I convert the Christian Catholic rosary to a Lokean one? This is what he requested, this is what he's going to get. But good grief, my brain is turning into a mobius strip as I am trying to work on this. Halp.

July for Loki Post No 1

 Last Quarter Rose Moon (Age: 21 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Humid, cloudy, and moderate temperatures
Drought Status: D1 (Abnormally Dry)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I'm going to do the July for Loki meme on this blog instead of on Veiled Witch as I have in past years. I can't promise lengthy posts every day. But, I am working on a devotional book for Loki this month as it is Camp NaNoWriMo part 2. (Part 1 was in April when my head was going explody.) Loki's expressed that he wants a rosary written for him. He was very specific that he wants a Catholic style rosary written. So, I guess that's going to be the starting point of my devotional book. It's just difficult to adapt the Catholic prayers of the rosary to Heathen prayers. I'm sure I'll figure something out. As I make progress on this project, I'll post updates.

Where did the last two weeks go?

 Waning Gibbous Strawberry Moon (Age: 16 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry
Weather: Cloudy, projected high of 88 deg. F.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been desperately trying to get back to that organized schedule that I had in January. I've been failing in a big way. Loki just chuckles at my frustration. That, however, is how things go between him and I. I get so frustrated I just about start spluttering and he starts chuckling and telling me how adorable I am when I'm angry/frustrated. It drives me batty, but it seems to be a theme. Beloved does the exact same thing. They all but pat me on the head and call me cute. I know it's all affectionate but it still is exasperating. Which, of course, makes me 'even more adorable.' 

I feel like part of the problem is I somehow have lost 2 inches of height in the last few years. My doctor assures me this is perfectly normal for most women. It makes reaching the top shelf of the cupboard for things difficult. And where do things get put that I need to get down on a weekly basis, on the top shelf because Beloved forgets that I'm no longer 5ft 8in. He is used to my being able to get things down because they're at a point where I could have with out much of a problem before I lost that bit of height. I've asked my doctor why it happens and they just shrug. I'm hoping that I am not going to wind up stooped and barely able to stand at 5 ft like my paternal grandmother. Freyr and Loki both assure me that isn't going to happen as long as I work on keeping my posture good and strengthening my back.

It leads me to suspect that my back's weakness that came about as a result of a couple of injuries in the last few years is the reason why I've lost 2 inches of height. I keep putting off doing yoga and my back exercises because you can barely see the floor in the living room. I may just have to use a shovel and garbage back to clean up all the toys and crap on the floor so that I have room to spread out that yoga mat and do my exercises. Freyr really wants me to get back into an exercise routine. He's of the mind it will help me do a better job of managing my diabetes and my stress. He's not wrong, I'm just having a hard time finding the time to do it.

Both Loki and Freyr are strongly encouraging me to do things that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happy. They've declared that I have spent too much time confining myself into a socially acceptable bland box and it's not good for me. Again, they're not wrong. As a result, I've made some major changes to my wardrobe. I am not completely eliminating color from it, but I am going goth in my styles. I feel more like myself from when I was in my 20s doing so. Freyr has commented that I walk taller and move with more confidence when I do it. I have also begun wearing the BDSM collar that Beloved got me ... well, we've been playing around with this stuff for 20+ years. After about a week of wearing it more frequently than I ever had before, I discovered that I was reacting to the metal used for the hardware. We're pretty sure it's nickel plated and that's why I am having issues. So, Beloved ordered me a custom collar that should arrive sometime next month with stainless steel hardware and a nickel free buckle. In the meantime, I'm doing as Loki suggested. I put on a ribbon beneath the collar so that the metal doesn't touch my skin. The ribbon is about one and 3/4ths of an inch wide. That's the same width of the custom collar. It's a little wider than what I wear now, but it is going to be awesome. Beloved showed me what he designed and it's just really simple but really pretty.

To placate the normals, I've been wearing a wide ribbon choker that is reinforced with nylon webbing to keep the ribbon from rolling up and backed with soft cotton. I keep leaning away from that choker because the collar boosts my confidence, my happy feelings, and strengthens the sense that no matter what happens Beloved is going to be with me. It's a huge comfort item. As someone with an anxiety disorder, comfort items are really helpful. Previously, I hid the BDSM side of my life because I was afraid of being judged for it. But, Loki made a really good point back when I took the leap to go goth in my clothing styles: at 42, I have the right to wear whatever the hell makes me feel good. And collars are kinda in style right now (and have been with the punk element of the goth community), so if anyone gives me a funny look I can respond with one word: Fashion. Then I get to sashay away and do what makes me happy.

Freyr had an interesting point to make about the BDSM side of my life. No one is getting hurt. Practically all of the elements of it have improved my health and happiness. And if vanilla people get to wear items that advertise some of their sexuality (i.e. pants with the word 'juicy' printed across the ass), so do I. And he pointed out, I'll probably manage it with my own quirky yet elegant sense of style. It's not as if I'm out and about in a bondage harness and nothing else. (Not that we own one, but that's beside the point.) And Freyr said that the instant shot of confidence that I get from wearing the collar is going to be one of the things that is going to keep the busy-bodies off my back. He also reminded me: those who matter won't care as long as you're happy, those who get in a snit over it don't matter.

Mental health disability equates to life problems.

 I'm too low on spoons to look up the moon phase/age/sign. The weather is stupidly hot and humid for our region. We're not in drought status at the moment, though folks who are west of us and in the north country are. I've been just trying to catch up on everything that fell through the cracks over the last few months and it's not going so well.

I was deeply worried that I had pissed off Freyr because things had gotten so quiet. It then came to the fore that there was interference in the connection because of my severe depression and anxiety. (This happened a while back between Loki and I, lasted about a year before it cleared up.) I got my medications adjusted and the change was like night and day. I was suddenly sleeping through the night (which was my initial problem, or so I thought), the deep depression cleared up, and the choking anxiety eased. I also found the passive self harm ideation that I had lived with all my life was gone. Not even a whisper of a thought on that front since the med change. I thought that everyone was like that, clearly I was wrong. There is a better life possible and I am now living it.

It is, however, a very busy one and exhausting. My preteen/teen boys have a ton of school stuff going on that I've been trying to stay on top of but not doing so great because of poor communication with some individuals and my forgetting to update my planner. Loki, in his mischievousness, likes to remind me to work on it while I'm in the middle of something else. He's helping, sorta. I just forget or run out of energy before I get to it.

I've been struggling with writing because my brain is acting funny again. There's some kind of trauma memory getting ready to surface. Both Loki and Freyr are insisting that I need to stop fighting it and lean into it. But I'm tired of trauma work. They, however, are getting progressively more demanding that I do this because it will be good for me. At one point, Loki said that I was acting like a kid who didn't want to eat their vegetables. I retorted that I was the kid who loved vegetables. He answered "You love writing, so why aren't you doing it?" I didn't have a smart answer for that one.

When I have the flashes of connection with Freyr, and he's not insisting that I have to do *something* for trauma work, he's been reassuring me that my efforts to be more authentic in my self presentation and expression is a very good thing. Just a few weeks ago, I decided that I could finally embrace my love of goth style. And that I could embrace more expression of my sexuality. Two points that Freyr has been trying to get me to just stop restraining myself on for the last year. He said to me "At 42, you have earned the right to wear whatever you want and if that means goth clothes and a bdsm collar, so be it. What you wear and how you wear it is an expression of yourself, you're allowed to express yourself."

Beloved has been enthusiastic about supporting and encouraging me in this. (The kink thing between him and I has been a thing almost as long as we've been in a relationship. And that's 20+ years.) I've been happier and more secure in myself over the last few weeks than I have been in a long time. I just am struggling with the writing because I hate trauma work. It's my ptsd and bipolar that are the reason why I am disabled. They have taken away my career in education and my ability to tolerate a full day's work. I'm not sure how many functional hours I have in a day, because it fluctuates. 

I'm trying to get everything sorted out, but there's a lot going on and a lot of moving parts. Loki throws a wrench into things when I am getting myself worked up and distracts me from that. Freyr calms me down when I get panicky over things. It's been a team effort to get life back on to an even keel. Beloved is always at my side, helping as best he can. I couldn't do this with out them.

Don't go completely radio silent.

Waxing Gibbous Sap Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonably warm, fair skies
Snow pack: N/A
Drought status: Abnormally Dry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm currently in a mixed episode. It sucks. I've taken a step back from social media and blog posts so I don't say or do something stupid. I've learned that I tend to be more impulsive and say dumb shit when I am in a mixed or hypomanic episode. It was a painful lesson. Fortunately, the friend forgave me. I've yet to forgive myself for my stupidity that day. The stupid, it burns.

I was about to shut down the computer and basically put aside doing anything on the internet for until Monday, if I'm feeling calmer and more stable then. Loki and Freyr both strongly disagreed with this. They insisted that I had to post here before I shut everything down for the weekend. (And Loki has spent most of the day trying really hard to convince me that it's ok to share my chicken nugget recipe on one of my other blogs, so he has thoughts on my doing this.)

I am not really sure what to share. I have felt like garbage for the last month now. I started out mildly depressed and then moved into a solid two weeks of depression. I guess it was around this time last week that my mood started to shift. I've been mixed for about a week now and it is utter bullshit. I have zero energy to do anything but I feel pressure to do EVERYTHING. It's awful. I can't concentrate very well. Most of my soothing coping activities aren't working so great at the moment.

I hate being like this. I know that I'm better than I was in the past. At the same time, I miss having good days. It seems like they don't really happen anymore. I used to be able to be somewhat witty and make my husband laugh more often than not. But, everything is so dulled by the persistent low level depression that I can't seem to accomplish that. It's distressing. 

Loki and Freyr assure me that everything is going to be ok. I'm not getting ready to do something stupid. Gods know, I'd pay for that on so many levels. But I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel human again. (The bitter humor here is that Nina Simone's rendition of "Feelin' Good" is playing on the radio as I type this.) I know at some point this is going to lift and I'm going to feel better. I just have to be patient. The problem is, it always comes with a crash afterwards. The longer I go with a reasonably good mood or, gods help me, if I get hypomanic, the deeper is the depression afterwards.

I hate bipolar. At least I'm not hearing things.

Sunrise

Waxing Sap Moon (Age 1 day)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cloudy, seasonable temps.
Snow Pack: N/A
Drought Status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's daylight savings time. Yay! (If only there was a sarcasm font.) I've had my breakfast, drunk my first cup of coffee, and then took a short nap to recover my proverbial spoons from waking up at 0630. Now it is an hour later, I'm on my second cup of coffee and feeling a bit less bleary eyed. Freyr was with me as I woke. It's still his season for a few more days. Even though he is busy preparing for Spring, he found some time to just snuggle with me. I think that half hour of sleep was the deepest sleep I have had in about a month, or at least the most restful.

In my dreams, he walked with me through a garden where many things were beginning to sprout and show signs of life. We just held hands and walked along muddy paths. Shortly before my alarm went off, he said to me, "The world is waking up. Don't despair. Things are going to get better. I know you don't feel well, but I promise you, it will pass." Then he gave me a big hug. I woke up with that warm sense of an embrace around me. It made me reluctant to get out of bed. 

I've been struggling with depression for the last month or so in a more intense fashion than usual. It's made everything harder. All of that hard work to clean up the apartment in preparation for Eastre has gone to pot. As a result, I have a bunch of cleaning to do this week that I had planned to spend in contemplation and meditation upon the sacrifice of the Daughter. I tell myself that things will get better but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression is a hell of a drug.

I get like this and I feel guilty for not doing more. So I start pushing myself pretty hard to do things. I run low on spoons and get a lot less than what I was trying to do done. At which point the guilt ratchets up several notches and the cycle resumes. Until I crash for a few days and I feel miserable. I have had Loki giving me glares and warning me not to push myself too hard. I am doing my best to listen to him and to the limits of my body/brain. It's been exhausting and it hurts. I want my life from before the bipolar happened back. Yeah, I was still struggling with CPTSD, but I was more functional most of the time. I feel like I'm all those horrible things my parents said about me when ever I wasn't performing to their expectations (a waste of flesh, an oxygen thief, etc.). I know it is my trauma speaking and its getting triggered by the depression, but it still fucking hurts.

I hope that Eastre will find me doing better. I'm not expecting it to happen, though, because brain chemistry doesn't automatically improve because it's an important date on the calendar. Still, it is nice to have some peace and quiet. It is nice to drink some coffee and watch the sun come up.

When you're wrong and don't want to admit it.

Waning Crescent Cold Moon (Age 22 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Partly cloudy, cold, light breeze
Snow pack: > 1 in
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 I've been having difficulty reconciling my limitations with my abilities. Or, to put it another way, I haven't been doing a very good job today of listening to my body and respecting my limits. It's gotten me a stern talking to on multiple levels. I have bad knees and this spate of bitter cold has me limping pretty badly. It has made getting stuff done challenging. The fact that I keep trying to do stuff has gotten me stern looks and such.

It is hard because I remember not too long ago when I was better off. I didn't have it quite so bad with my knees. I got sore and stiff when the weather got bad but I didn't need a cane so often. I recall when I didn't have the intense anxiety and fear of going out. (Social phobia is a bitch, y'all. Covid-19 has only made it worse.) I remember life before I became disabled and struggled to function. I keep trying to push myself to do things and act like that. But, I can't do it.

Loki keeps reminding me "Needs trump wants." He's been leaning on that message for quite a while. Some days I do better at remembering it than others. I want to go and do things. I want to work. But I need the quiet, calm environment that I've created in my home so that I don't have nearly constant panic attacks. Medication helps, but it doesn't solve everything. I don't want to be on so many pills, but I need them to function and stay healthy. (Diabetes can go die in a fire along with bipolar and ptsd.)

I tried today to keep my limits in mind but it was really hard. I just wanted desperately to be ok. Freyr tells me that I'm still adjusting to being disabled and having diabetes. I feel like my mind and body are failing me. Again, Freyr tells me that I'm adjusting to my new normal and that I won't feel so awful so often. It's been ten years since the bipolar diagnosis and my being certified as totally disabled due to mental illness. It's been three years since I got the diabetes diagnosis.

It was a rough day for me today. I wanted to go out and do the shopping. I wanted to take care of the laundry and the dishes. My knees hurt and keep threatening to drop me on the floor. Between the Covid-19 stuff and the fact that I would be in a relatively crowded store (because for some reason people are not doing much social distancing anymore since the announcement of vaccines), I couldn't go shopping. I spent my day feeling useless as I sat around and tried to keep an eye on the kids while Beloved was out running errands. When I got up to do stuff, I got the look from both Loki and Freyr. You know the look of severe disapproval that people give you when you're doing something that you know is dumb, that's the one. When Beloved got home from running errands and taking care of stuff, he was giving me the look as I was hobbling in the direction of doing more stuff. 

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have arthritis. I don't want to be so damn anxious all the time. I keep trying not to be, but I can't force the situation to change. At one point, Loki said that some things are fixed wyrd. Things like your eye color and genetics, for example. They can't be changed. And the massive amounts of victimization that I experienced in my youth, that kinda qualifies as that I guess. Not something like I chose the conditions I incarnated into or that I'm paying off some kind of karmic debt and that is why I was tortured in my youth. Nope, it's just a twist in the thread of life that got snarled and will always effect the rest of the thread. I was wrong today to try to push myself to do 'normal' things. That's why my knees hurt and my brain is not working quite right at the moment.

Fortunately, I've got three loves who look after me and kick me in the ass when I need it. Because some days, I'm a stubborn idiot.

He wants me to make what?

 Waning Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 18 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Windy and cold
Snow pack: greatly diminished, > 1 in
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~

Loki made clear to me that he wanted me to write a devotional last year. He kept mentioning it and I kept putting off the topic. Finally he asked me what the problem was. That was when I said that I didn't know where to start. His first answer to that problem was, "Well, at the beginning, obviously."

I drolly responded, "And you're the sly one?" There was much laughter over that. I still think it was a set up for me to drop that line on him and it's been almost six months since we had that conversation. I told him how I couldn't pick one thing and start writing because there was too much going on. I told him that I needed some suggestions or some guidance on where to begin.

Flash forward about six months and he pops in practically bouncing with excitement. When Loki is hopping foot to foot, grinning gleefully, and nearly clapping his hands with excitement, one gets a little nervous. He is, after all, the god of Mischief and chaos. His pranks are literally legendary. So, he shows up all a twitter with excitement. I was in the middle of folding laundry. He told me I needed to get a pen and paper. I asked why. His answer was that he had an IDEA.

The last time Loki was this excited over an idea, Beloved and I pulled a prank (that I thought up all on my own, thank you very much) on my father-in-law that made the old goat very exasperated over the holidays. Loki gave that prank his gold star of approval. I figured this idea meant another prank of some kind. I set my laundry aside and walked across the room to get a pen and paper. Then Loki said, "I want a rosary."

I just stopped for a beat and looked at him. "Like a set of beads?" I asked him. He shook his head. "For me to pray one on your behalf?" Then he looked at me like I was daft.

"I want you to write me a rosary. Catholic style." Then I looked at him like he was daft. He just grinned at me.

"This is going to piss off a lot of people," I said.

He laughed. "So what, there's people who would use it, who need it even."

That was last week. I have been attempting to write prayers for his rosary for the last few days. It's not going so great, because there's a bunch of other stuff going on keeping me from writing. Freyr's position on all of this? Well, he's bemused and thinks I should get to writing once I am done republishing books.

Regarding Déa: the Daughter

 Waxing gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Seasonably chill, partly cloudy skies
Snow pack: ?? (It melted some today.)
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many Filianists and Déanists of the orthodox sort argue that the Daughter is passive. This makes no sense. How can she be passive when she is actively acting as her three cosmic roles? As Princess of the World, she governs the action of the world and intervenes for the mortal children of Déa. As Priestess of the Sacrifice, she actively enters into the incarnate world, confronts temptation (and rebukes it), battles suffering (and retains her faith in her Mother), and walks through the realm of the Dark Queen, willingly giving over that which is demanded of her before she is slain. The only passivity that happens in the narrative of the Daughter as Priestess of the Sacrifice is when she lies in the abyss awaiting her Mother to raise her from death. After that moment, she resumes leading and acting. As Queen of Heaven, she holds court over all souls passed beyond the wheel of werdë and governs the actions of the forces of Heaven and the World, even as she acts as the mediator of her Mother's light/force.

Where, in any of this, except in her time as a corpse is she passive? I have read the holy texts and found them lacking any proof of the Daughter as the 'passive' force in the universe. It is my thought that this argument that the Daughter is 'passive' is a false argument used to force believers into following along a charismatic (or less than charismatic) leadership figure. In the wisdom texts, there are passages that were written for Madrian households with a focus on obedience and implied passivity towards the will of leadership figures. I find those who uphold those passages as the correct way to interpret the Daughter repulsive.

To do so is to demean and attempt to diminish the Daughter. She chooses her course of action. She is not ordered to go off into the abyss, nor is she banished. The Daughter walks into the Dark Queen's hall by her own free will and this is an act that we would spit upon if we were to say she is passive in any way. A passive person would require an external force to act upon them to move them to action. This is not the Daughter, she is the force acting upon the situation.

I know there are some who are going to read the accounting of the Daughter's descent into the Dark Queen's realm that is in the edition of the Filianic holy texts that I worked on and they are going to find fault in how the Daughter is depicted. She does not simply carry the moon-axe but wields it as her weapon against the forces of suffering. She may be overwhelmed but she does not simply fall prey of these forces. She takes arms and advances against them. There is a decidedly more martial aspect to the Daughter in this accounting because of it, but this is an element of the Daughter that people elect to ignore.

The Daughter has within her all the force of the Mother. She is one with the Mother, even as she is separate. As the Mother has a martial aspect, it stands to reason that the Daughter has one as well. Indeed, Sai Vikhë is as much a lesser aspect of the Daughter as she is of the Mother because the Mother and Daughter are one. Reason demands that we look upon this martial aspect of the Daughter and revere her in the same way we revere the Mother's war-like nature.

I recognize this argument and the changes that were made to the narrative because of it will sit poorly with many. I did not make the changes to satisfy the will of people or out of vanity. I made them under the guidance of Déa. I prayed a great deal as I worked on this project. I did divination and consulted other diviners who were unaware of this project as to Déa's will. All signs pointed to these changes being necessary. I am not so arrogant or foolish as to ignore the will of Déa when it is made clear by multiple sources. I am her priestess and I serve her will, not that of the world. If others choose to take offense, that is upon them. I know that Déa will guide and watch over this work (and all who have contributed to it). 

Loki says 'whut?'

 Waxing Gibbous Cold Moon (Age: 11 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: mild, cloudy, and making my knees hate me
Snow pack: ??
Drought status: LOL NOPE
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been dealing with a lot of trauma memories and as a result feeling pretty run down and awful over the past few days. It's been seeping into just about everything it seems. Last night, as I was laying in bed with Beloved talking about the memories, I just felt really torn between incandescent rage and utter grief. I was laying there being cuddled by my mortal husband and then, next thing I know, I feel a sensation like a third blanket getting thrown on top of me (a god-cloak) and someone toying with my hair. I know it wasn't Beloved, because he was holding my hand with one hand and had his other arm wrapped around me. 

I was confused. I wondered if it was Loki. As the thought passed through my head, he said, "What? You were cold. By the way, everything you remember is real." That just made me want to start crying. I had been struggling with the concept that the horrors I had been reliving over the last few weeks were real or 'just an over active imagination'. (I grew up in an extremely toxic and traumatic household where I was regularly gaslighted. I developed the habit of reality testing everything because of how intense the gaslighting was. It left lasting effects on my psyche and self confidence.)

Beloved had some household chores to attend to and I had to go to sleep. As I basically hid under the blankets, there was the sense of a fourth blanket being put over me, a bit higher so that it covered my head. That's how I knew Freyr was there. Loki at my back and Freyr before me. They spoke quietly. At first it was to me and reassuring me that I was safe and that my family was safe. Loki and Freyr both assuring me they would protect us. As I began to drop down into hypnogogic sleep, the sound of Beloved taking out the garbage terrified me for some reason. I was convinced someone was trying to break into the apartment.

Loki resumed running his hands through my hair and telling me that everything was fine. As Freyr was talking about how I really needed to talk to both Odin and Eir about the stuff that had me distressed, Loki was basically telling him to stop talking. They didn't get into an argument as much as they had a disagreement about something that I didn't fully understand because they were speaking in Middle English. Freyr shrugged and then Loki had his 'wut?' reaction.

The last thing that Loki said to me last night was, "Am I not supposed to comfort you when you're in distress?" He sounded exasperated after the initial confusion over my swinging between anxiety and confusion as to why they were there and being so nice. Freyr said something about trauma but I missed most of it.

But, that 'wut?' reaction is pretty much the one I get every time I say that he shouldn't be so affectionate and nice. He stares at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know and have some how managed to offend his great ancestors at the same time. In the next moment Dom!Loki comes out and I am firmly reminded that I am deserving of love, affection and safety. Followed by a growled warning that I will be given a reminder each time I start mistreating myself. Usually that's enough to get me back in line because World-breaker is creative and patient when it comes to giving me reminders to stop being cruel and neglectful of myself.

Last night, I got a confused 'wut?' because I wasn't in that depressed headspace. I was in a traumatized headspace and confused as to when I was and why they were there. Now, Loki's been with me for a very long time. He's witnessed a huge amount of the trauma that I went through. I think the fact that it's been quite a while since I've had that time disorientation happen that was why Loki was confused.

Untitled rambling.

 Waxing Crescent Cold Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cloudy, light snow
Snow pack: 4 in, approx.
Drought status: n/a
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been trying to prepare for Moura, the Filianic month/season of discipline, abstinence, and purification in preparation for the high holiday of Eastre. Loki threw me for a loop two days ago when he said that he was going to observe Moura with me. Generally, we don't talk about my involvement with Filianism. It's a non-issue. He thinks that the path I'm on with the blending of Heathenry and Filianism is good for me. He encourages me in my devotions to Déa. He says that it's healthy for me to have Déa in my life.

But he hasn't expressed anything along the lines of his participation in any of the rites or rituals that I engage in for Déa. I mistakenly figured 'not my pantheon, not my business' but Loki blew that out of the water with him telling me quite seriously that he wanted to participate in Moura. I would have thought it a jest but he's been talking about how he wants me to abstain from putting out alcohol for him. He gets a pretty regular libation of whiskey from us in this household. He does a lot of good for us, so we give him some strong drink to express our appreciation.

When I asked him what I should pour out for him instead, he insisted it should be plain water. I asked if the prohibition against alcohol included if Beloved decided to pour out for him and Loki paused for a moment. He asked me if Beloved or the boys would be observing Moura with me. I answered no. He then said that they can give him what ever offerings they felt were appropriate then, even if it was alcohol.

Moura Eve is to Filianism what Mardi Gras is to Christianity. I am going to try to do something fun with the kids. I'll be making a point to dress in somewhat festive attire, or at least something colorful. Saturday is the start of Moura. In many Filianic traditions, Moura Day is observed as a fast day. I am exempt from fasting because of medical reasons. Many people in Filianism give something up for Moura as a practice of abstinence and self-discipline. It's popular to give up sweet foods. I can't eat sweets. My diet has become even more restricted because of my medical condition. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about that part of the observance.

I know with the self discipline part, I'm going to continue my effort to get more exercise, eat healthier, and stick with a daily schedule. I've been 'practicing' for about a month now on that front. The weather has not been kindly towards going out walking. I've been bored pacing back and forth through the apartment. Maybe I'll try taking up yoga again if I can't go out and walk. I don't know. I have no bright ideas at this hour of the day.

Loki and Freyr have both insisted that I must be more active in my priestly work. As such, I am going to be becoming more social as I engage the Fililianic community more. That's going to be a bit hard because I'm a social phobe, but I am oathed to Déa as a priestess and should start doing more than writing devotional literature.

P.S. Loki's been making noises that he wants me to start my writing for him by writing a Lokean rosary. So, that's going to be a thing. I'm just glad that he's finally given me some kind of direction for where I should begin this massive project.

Egregore Project Update

 New Snow Moon: (Age: 1 day old)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Ridiculously cold, partly cloudy
Snow Pack: approx. 3 inches
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I stepped away from the Egregore project for a little while because I just hadn't had time to work on it. Also, the Egregore was kinda setting off my 'this is creepy' radar. I know it's because it's attached to a part of my history that had a lot of trauma. But, I'm going to give having another conversation with it another try. I figure it's the dark moon, no better time for shadow work which is what this thing is supposed to be assisting with.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Egregore & Me

M: What messages do have for me since our last conversation?

E: You have made progress on integrating lesser traumas. It is time to move on to older ones.

M: Is this why I have been having more flashbacks and a pervasive fear of restrooms?

E: You are healed enough from other trauma to address the first molestation incident.

M: The memories are fairly clear but I have been having predominantly emotional flashbacks. Will these be turning into more immersive flashbacks?

E: Immersive flashbacks happen when the situation is close enough to what happened to trigger them. They do not occur at random. Nightmares are like immersive flashbacks, but within the theater of the mind. You will be observing what happened and processing it during your waking hours.

M: What part do you play in managing the emotional fall out of the flashbacks and nightmares?

E: I am a vehicle for you to project some of the experience onto and process them through discussion.

M: Are there positive/happy memories that will come up with this other stuff?

E: I am a repository of past experience between the ages of 3 and 7 years old. I can access positive memories. The proportion of positive memories versus negative memories is biased in the favor of negative memories. 

M: What information do I need to proceed forward in the healing process?

E: You need to time orient yourself. I stand in the past. I carry it. You stand in the present and the future. Our consultations must take place in the present, as this is, for you to integrate what I carry. Your anxiety is the past reaching forward. You must let it go in order to move forward. The air of menace that you sense when you get out the physical form you assigned to me is a projection of that anxiety.

M: What do you need to function properly at this time?

E: Music and time for the physical form to be interacted with. By avoiding the physical form, you have pushed me into the unconscious mind where I function by bringing memories up. This must no be the only method of function for me because it limits the range of function. Conscious interaction with the physical form is what will help you to move forward and for me to operate at my full range of function.

M: How frequently should I have a 'conversation' with you?

E: Every month during the waning or dark moon is ideal. This time is best oriented towards deep magic and healing unconscious wounds.

M: Is there any thing additional you require to properly function?

E: Dedicated offerings of energy or tokens of value. You no longer have the box of memories from that period of time. I was powered by it, but now I must be renewed with new energy. A proper repository of my physical form is equally vital. In that place there should be placed the offerings along side the physical form. This will strengthen the energetic link between me and your subconscious and unconscious mind where the memories we are working with reside.

M: Is there anything additional you require me to know about you?

E: Not at this time.

Projects: Oracle deck of My Own.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 28 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow pack: approx. 3 in
Drought status: N/A
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm posting here the pictures of my badly drawn oracle cards. I still have to play around with them a bit to get a feel for how to lay them out and such. It's a much smaller deck (on worse card stock) than my cheapest Tarot deck. But, I used blank index cards to make them and pencil to draw things out, so this is no surprise. This is basically the starter version of what I am working on. I don't plan on selling this thing just developing it into a useful cartomancy tool to use alongside other things, like the deck of rune cards that I put together because my rune tiles are getting fragile. Don't mind the mess or the rusty filing cabinet in the background, everything here is in flux right now.

 

Attempting to make my own Oracle deck.

 Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 26 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Stupidly cold, fair skies
Snow Pack: approx. 4 in
Drought Status: LOL
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I had a dream a few years back that I was using tarot cards but they looked nothing like what a standard tarot deck looks like. I wrote down the symbols and the words associated with them. Then I stuck it in a drawer and promptly forgot about it. Here it is about five years later, I have a pack of blank cards and I drew up the deck. It's about thirty cards, including three querent cards (one male, one female, and one that is gender neutral).

I'm going to have to play around with these things to figure out/remember how they work. Once I get a handle on that, I will likely redraw the artwork on another set of blank cards so that they look better. What I have right now is basically stick figures. (And I have contemplated making a stick figure Tarot deck. That, however, is on the back burner as I get other projects done.)

I am going to use some of the other blank note cards to make myself a set of rune cards. I have a feeling that if I use them as cards, I will get better results. I tend to be sharper with cartomancy than other forms of divination. It doesn't hurt that it's my favorite form of divination.