Frustration abounds.

 Dear Reader,

If it isn't some issue with my C-PTSD troubling me, then it's a migraine. If it isn't that, it is some kind of shenanigans. And then there's my cursed bipolar disorder. Depressive episodes pretty much destroy my brain. The confluence of all this leads to months of not writing. It leaves me head-blind and renders my psychic gifts the subject of bitter scrutiny. I lose faith in myself. I am exhausted all the time. It's hellish.

Now, as I claw my way out of the most recent depressive episode, I can feel the dead clamoring to be heard. I don't know what to do. Typically, they come to me for directions because they've gotten lost on their way to their next life or their spiritual place of rest. It doesn't usually happen to me that they want me to convey messages or listen to their story. I just point them in the direction they need to go and that's the extent of the interaction, typically.

There's so many waiting beyond the wall I put up spiritually around my home to keep the non-familial dead out during the pandemic. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed by the dead who were lost and confused about their deaths. So, under the direction of the All-Father, I put up a wall. Now there's something like a small army beyond it, crying out to be heard. I know that where I go, there's going to be the spirits of the dead looking for someone like me to guide them and possibly listen to them.

I don't know what to do in this situation. This has not happened before.

Egregore Project Update

 New Snow Moon: (Age: 1 day old)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Ridiculously cold, partly cloudy
Snow Pack: approx. 3 inches
Drought status: N/A
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I stepped away from the Egregore project for a little while because I just hadn't had time to work on it. Also, the Egregore was kinda setting off my 'this is creepy' radar. I know it's because it's attached to a part of my history that had a lot of trauma. But, I'm going to give having another conversation with it another try. I figure it's the dark moon, no better time for shadow work which is what this thing is supposed to be assisting with.

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Egregore & Me

M: What messages do have for me since our last conversation?

E: You have made progress on integrating lesser traumas. It is time to move on to older ones.

M: Is this why I have been having more flashbacks and a pervasive fear of restrooms?

E: You are healed enough from other trauma to address the first molestation incident.

M: The memories are fairly clear but I have been having predominantly emotional flashbacks. Will these be turning into more immersive flashbacks?

E: Immersive flashbacks happen when the situation is close enough to what happened to trigger them. They do not occur at random. Nightmares are like immersive flashbacks, but within the theater of the mind. You will be observing what happened and processing it during your waking hours.

M: What part do you play in managing the emotional fall out of the flashbacks and nightmares?

E: I am a vehicle for you to project some of the experience onto and process them through discussion.

M: Are there positive/happy memories that will come up with this other stuff?

E: I am a repository of past experience between the ages of 3 and 7 years old. I can access positive memories. The proportion of positive memories versus negative memories is biased in the favor of negative memories. 

M: What information do I need to proceed forward in the healing process?

E: You need to time orient yourself. I stand in the past. I carry it. You stand in the present and the future. Our consultations must take place in the present, as this is, for you to integrate what I carry. Your anxiety is the past reaching forward. You must let it go in order to move forward. The air of menace that you sense when you get out the physical form you assigned to me is a projection of that anxiety.

M: What do you need to function properly at this time?

E: Music and time for the physical form to be interacted with. By avoiding the physical form, you have pushed me into the unconscious mind where I function by bringing memories up. This must no be the only method of function for me because it limits the range of function. Conscious interaction with the physical form is what will help you to move forward and for me to operate at my full range of function.

M: How frequently should I have a 'conversation' with you?

E: Every month during the waning or dark moon is ideal. This time is best oriented towards deep magic and healing unconscious wounds.

M: Is there any thing additional you require to properly function?

E: Dedicated offerings of energy or tokens of value. You no longer have the box of memories from that period of time. I was powered by it, but now I must be renewed with new energy. A proper repository of my physical form is equally vital. In that place there should be placed the offerings along side the physical form. This will strengthen the energetic link between me and your subconscious and unconscious mind where the memories we are working with reside.

M: Is there anything additional you require me to know about you?

E: Not at this time.

Low confidence right now.

 I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I know it's my PTSD creeping up on me. At the same time, I feel terribly alone and like I wouldn't be so alone if I were like everyone else. It's been rough over the last year. Everything went on hold for 2020. Everything except for my scumbag brain insisting that I was a weakling and a coward for hunkering down and avoiding going out because of Covid-19.

I am attempting to restart a whole bunch of things. Yesterday was on one hand a good day. I made a little bit of money on Keen and I reconnected with some old clients. On the other hand, I just felt horrible most of the day and like I wasn't doing enough. I am struggling to reestablish healthy habits that I fell out of last year. I am struggling to get back to using a schedule, which I haven't done in over a decade. And I am struggling to figure out what in hell is going on with my diabetes because my blood sugar has been stupid. It's all left me feeling afraid and like I'm not good enough.

I guess that means it's time to do more Shadow Work. I should really replace that copy of Timothy Rodrick's book on Shadow Work. It's more of a workbook than anything else. Maybe I should go through it again and see what happens this time.

Egregore update.

Dear Reader,

I've been haphazard in feeding energy into the doll over the last several months. Been sick and busy with household stuff, like a lot of stuff for the family. The other day, I took the doll out of the bag and did some meditation on feeding energy into it. That was when it took on something of a generally creepy energy. Given that this doll is for shadow work, the creepy energy is appropriate. Even so, it was sufficiently uncomfortable that I put the doll back into the bag and set it aside.

Apparently, my passive feeding the doll by just focusing thought upon it when I saw the bag (which was sitting on the desk by my computer) was an effective thing. The goal of this poppet is to draw out the shadow aspects of myself so that I can work with them. I won't say that the poppet is disturbing. It's a cheapy Belle doll from Walmart that's at best three inches high. But it's starting to take on a quality that I've heard people describe dolls having - some sense of intelligence to it and an alien quality. I didn't exactly expect that to happen.

We're in the last quarter of the February moon. So, this is the time to be working with the poppet. I don't know how to go about that, now that it's picked up something of a spark. I do know, however, that the All-Father wouldn't have suggested this if it wasn't going to be helpful towards my goals. I'm probably going to sit down and have a 'chat' with it during this waning phase. I'll record that here.

Components gathered. Phase One complete.

Waxing Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 10 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Cool, overcast, intermittent rain

Drought status: D0

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Initially, I thought I was going to make a poppet for this ritual. In the end, I simply didn't have the spoons for it. I had spent so much energy and effort on making things to calm my nerves (preemie hats and scarves for charity) that I just didn't have the capacity to plan and craft a doll. I wound up buying a small doll for the ritual. It is a Belle doll from Disney. I confess, I am not thrilled with the doll being covered in glitter on one portion of it, but I am debating repainting it anyways. 

Aside from the doll, I realized I was going to need some manner of basket or container for the doll to stay in. I have a wide collection of glass jars and similar containers. I think, however, I'm going to use a shoe box or a slightly smaller cardboard box to make a spirit house for my egregore to reside in. If the doll was thinner, I'd use a tin but the dimensions are all wrong. Either way, the spirit residence is going to be in a location where the children can not play with it.

It's purpose is to help me process emotional childhood trauma. I'm waiting for the waning phase of the moon to begin the real work on this level. It's going to be one week a month between now and autumn. My goal is to create more stability in my sense of self and a greater awareness of my safety in the present. The doll is going to house this helper egregore and serve to watch over my therapy efforts.

My hope is that between my pen and paper therapy work and magical shadow work, I can achieve a greater sense of stability and lessen the depth of the depression that comes when memories arise from the depths of my psyche. This experiment, if successful, will be reapplied towards my rage oriented shadow self. There's a great deal of pain there that needs to be healed. Since I don't have a therapist to oversee all of this work, I am drawing off of the shadow work techniques I am familiar with and the therapy history that I have.

When it is during the waning moon, I'm going to be making art because that seems to be how the deeper levels of myself are more comfortable communicating. The job of the egregore is going to be to facilitate communication between these parts of myself and my conscious mind. T-3 days to the empowerment of the egregore.