Frustration abounds.

 Dear Reader,

If it isn't some issue with my C-PTSD troubling me, then it's a migraine. If it isn't that, it is some kind of shenanigans. And then there's my cursed bipolar disorder. Depressive episodes pretty much destroy my brain. The confluence of all this leads to months of not writing. It leaves me head-blind and renders my psychic gifts the subject of bitter scrutiny. I lose faith in myself. I am exhausted all the time. It's hellish.

Now, as I claw my way out of the most recent depressive episode, I can feel the dead clamoring to be heard. I don't know what to do. Typically, they come to me for directions because they've gotten lost on their way to their next life or their spiritual place of rest. It doesn't usually happen to me that they want me to convey messages or listen to their story. I just point them in the direction they need to go and that's the extent of the interaction, typically.

There's so many waiting beyond the wall I put up spiritually around my home to keep the non-familial dead out during the pandemic. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed by the dead who were lost and confused about their deaths. So, under the direction of the All-Father, I put up a wall. Now there's something like a small army beyond it, crying out to be heard. I know that where I go, there's going to be the spirits of the dead looking for someone like me to guide them and possibly listen to them.

I don't know what to do in this situation. This has not happened before.

A Parable from the Gods (dating to Feb. 2006)

 Forget me. Forget everything you claim to know. Greater truths reside in the Universe than confined in your puny skull. Oh, the matter protected by that cave like bit of stone is precious. Don't let anyone fool you on that one. But it is no more precious than a pebble if it is not used.

A diamond is nothing more than a rock. Less useful than coal, but held up with great reverence and value. I day to you, why do we value the diamond more than coal. Oh, the answers you'd give are obvious.

"Because diamonds are rare. Because they are worth lots of money. Traditionally, they mean many wonderful things and have always been the property of the wealthy."

You wouldn't say so if you were freezing to death. You'd throw it away like a bit of trash in favor of common coal that'd save your life. Remember this parable of the diamond.

Old note from Loki.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 18 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was going through my notes for my fantasy series when I found an old message from Loki sitting there. I don't remember writing it down. I think it was a case of him borrowing my hands for a little bit. He does that sometimes. This note is almost ten years old. I am kinda surprised by it, because it is super relevant to what has been going on.

Forget me. Forget everything you claim to know. Greater truths reside in the universe than what is confined in your puny skull. Oh, the matter protected by that cave-like bit of stone is precious. Don't let anyone fool you on that one. But it is no more precious than a pebble if it is not used.

A diamond is nothing more than a rock. Less useful than coal, but held up with great reverence and value. I say to you, why do we value the diamond more than coal? Oh, the answers you'd give are obvious. "Because diamonds are rare. Because they're worth lots of money. Traditionally, they mean many wonderful things and have always been the property of the wealthy."

You wouldn't say so if you were freezing to death. You'd throw it away as a bit of trash in favor of the common coal that would save your life. Remember this parable of the diamond.

I don't know how this fits into what I've got going on. But it feels like it is really relevant to everything. It feels so important and relevant that it is going to bother me that I can't pin down exactly why. I now, however, remember why the line 'puny god' was so hilarious. That was a long set up for the joke. But he does stuff like that, because that's just what Loki does.

I'm not a fuzzy bunny.

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from

the west, intermittent flurries

Snow pack: approx 3 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.

I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.

It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise. 

The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?

A message.

She asked for a person who could do channeling. Then there was nothing but silence. I question if it was a genuine request or not. Then Loki made it clear to me that there was a message. One that he'd been trying to express and she simply was not understanding it. So, in my efforts to be of assistance, I have offered him the format of my blog here to carry that message. Out of respect for the parties involved, I am not going to mention names. If you read this and you know it is meant for you, then the job has been done. Otherwise, it just is a few random electrons on the internet. And Loki is nothing if not random.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You want me to give you signs. You need to open your eyes. You have received signs. Many of them. You act like a petulant child when they are not the ones you wished for. You claim that I am not showing you my love and then you blatantly reject what my people tell you. MY PEOPLE. Not Odin's, not Frigga's, not any one else's people. Not the random volva who you encountered. People who I have taken by the hand and I have claimed as MINE.

In your self absorbed claim of superiority, you want to reject them. They are as kinsmen to you. And you are too blind and too proud to see it. I am disappointed. I am not a man to be trifled with. I'm not a puppy to be lead about on a leash. I am not some love sotted fool to be lead about by the nose. I am LOKI. I am the World-breaker. I am A GOD!

Your half hearted selfish desperation disgusts and disappoints me. I expected more from you. I thought you were going to stand up for yourself. I thought you were going to walk confidantly at my side. Instead you scorn Sigyn, spit on Freyja, and cower away wailing that you are ignored. THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

Stand up. Treat yourself and the people around you with some measure of respect. This petulant whining child behavior is going to end. No woman of mine acts in this fashion. It is one thing if you are a child, but you are long past that point of your life. Now act like it.

Envisioning Loki

Some people say that Loki isn't a god. They argue that is jotunn heritage makes him a jotunn and therefore not a god. These people are ignorant of the fact that many of the Aesir and Vanir are descendant from jotunns as well. If you sit down and actually read the old legends, you find that before the first war between the gods and jotunns, they intermarried frequently. That, however, is a different topic and I'm not going to ramble on about that. To say the least, Loki is a god.

He happens to be a patron deity of mine. He's made clear to me in several different ways (some which I am not to speak of so don't ask for full disclosure here) that he has adopted me as a daughter. It's not something that is common. It seems more common in the heathen community to find godspouses.

He makes his presence known in several different ways that I *can* talk about. I have visions of him. I hear his voice. I see him in the flicker of a flame. I can feel his presence in a 'ghostly' embrace. Random sources of encouragement, support, or advice from strangers. The list goes on and on.

When I have visions of him, I see him in a few different ways. One is akin to the earliest depiction of him I ever encountered. Black haired and dark eyed, he is an enormous man. In this visage, it is easy to see that he is indeed part jotunn. This aspect also happens to be the crueler one. I haven't had that cruelty directed at me but I have seen it directed at others. It's not pretty. Then there is the visage that I saw him in when I was in high school. Again, tall but with red hair, blue eyes, and freckles. This is one of his more mischievous guises. It is also closer to the one that he presents to virtually everyone else, it seems. And then there is the lean, red haired man with green eyes. He is tall but lanky. And has the sharp qualities of a knife's edge. This is the more familiar face for others who follow Loki or have him in their lives.

Then there is the faceless visions. Beside him, I look to be a small child, even at my full height. It isn't that he has no face but that I can't clearly see it. When the visions are of this quality, he usually is holding and comforting me as one would comfort an upset child. At times, I do see parts of his face. It is a blend of all three of the faces that I have seen consistently in the past. Usually, however, my head is pillowed against his shoulder.

Since the strife between my parents and I had begun, Loki has been making his presence known in that faceless, comforting fashion. I don't know where this places me in relation to the godspouses. It is a confusing thing. He tells me, however, that confusion is but the beginning of clarity. I know others have a rather prickly relationship with this volatile deity. It is unfortunate.

He has been a source of stability and comfort for me when my life was in utter upheaval. There have been times where Loki helped me in ways that to most people seem unbecoming of a deity. After all, when was the last time you have heard of a god letting you cry on their shoulder? Some day, I will have the opportunity to speak with him with the aid of someone who is serving as his horse. Until then, I just do my daily things and listen for his comments.

Sometimes they are hilarious. Sometimes they are maddening, but they always seem to be just what I need to hear at that moment.

A word from Loki

Sif's Barber has been whispering in my ear again. He wants something simple conveyed:

Would all of you shut the fuck up? I'm sick of hearing whining about how the System is broken and I have to fix it for you. Stand up on your own two feet and do it yourselves. You created the problem. You're not children, you can damn well fix it.

Now, that said, my priestess (yes I said MY priestess, those of you who'd be offended need to get over it) has some work to do and you are going to help her. The way you're going to help is by getting off her back. (This message is for the dead, by the way.)

As for the others, the breathing mortal folk, get up off your asses and do some work for a change. Gods are not playthings or instant win tickets. Keep pestering and you're going to find that we do take an interest in you. I assure you, given your tone, it will not be kindly. At least, not by me.

---

To put it lightly, he is not pleased with the behavior of some of his followers. Even as I sit here, I can still tell that he is grumbling and muttering in irritation. Loki usually doesn't do that. I don't know how many folk follow him that happen to read this page, but those who do I guess you have been warned. Considering that Loki doesn't do this that often, it'd be a good idea to heed it.

Loki's irritation with the "idiots" in the world (some days I almost wish I wasn't able to hear things but that's a different topic for a different day) aside, I feel that I must post something in here.

Loki has been making things increasingly challenging for me. I've been pressed into doing research about how others follow/worship him. It's been showing the relationship I have with him is unique. After all, how many deities will merely laugh at you when you tell them to go screw themselves. (By the way, Loki laughed his proverbial ass off and then reiterated what he wanted to tell me. Sixteen times in a row. Don't say he doesn't get even, because he does. Usually in the most maddening ways possible.)

I've also been finding that I am more like a dyed in the wool wiccan then I was willing to admit. It has been a bewildering experience. Loki's been getting a good laugh out of that too. He says when I hold my first real circle, then I'll finally understand what he's been trying to tell me on that matter. Apparently, the small circles that I've been doing don't count. He wants me to do one with several others, serving as high priestess.

It's a thing that I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. On one hand, my anthrophobia (I learned a new word that accurately describes just what it is I fear) is screaming 'No! Don't do it!' while there's another part of me that actually misses the experience of being part of a group practicing witch craft. Formal covens or informal gatherings, there's a special flow to the energy when you add others into the mix.

He's been telling me to get to know Sigyn. He's not saying I should let go of my relationship with Morrigan but that Sigyn is important for me to know for more reasons then the fact that she is his wife. I feel foolish admitting this, but I'm a bit afraid of her. I find myself worried that she is not going to like me. Loki insists this is simply foolish of me but it's a hard fear to shake. I never thought that my anthrophobia could extend to gods, but it seems to have in this case.

It's funny, but one of the ways I can tell that Loki is present is I smell smoke. Right now, I smell pine smoke. It makes me smile because it brings to mind the fire lit in my grandparent's living room fireplace when I was a child. It also brings to mind the story of who Loki's parents are and how some people insist he is the embodiment of wild fire.

Loki wants me to change how I do things. I am uncomfortable with this but I suppose growth is not always to be comfortable. After all, today he insisted I go out in public and interact with complete strangers.