Frustration abounds.

 Dear Reader,

If it isn't some issue with my C-PTSD troubling me, then it's a migraine. If it isn't that, it is some kind of shenanigans. And then there's my cursed bipolar disorder. Depressive episodes pretty much destroy my brain. The confluence of all this leads to months of not writing. It leaves me head-blind and renders my psychic gifts the subject of bitter scrutiny. I lose faith in myself. I am exhausted all the time. It's hellish.

Now, as I claw my way out of the most recent depressive episode, I can feel the dead clamoring to be heard. I don't know what to do. Typically, they come to me for directions because they've gotten lost on their way to their next life or their spiritual place of rest. It doesn't usually happen to me that they want me to convey messages or listen to their story. I just point them in the direction they need to go and that's the extent of the interaction, typically.

There's so many waiting beyond the wall I put up spiritually around my home to keep the non-familial dead out during the pandemic. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed by the dead who were lost and confused about their deaths. So, under the direction of the All-Father, I put up a wall. Now there's something like a small army beyond it, crying out to be heard. I know that where I go, there's going to be the spirits of the dead looking for someone like me to guide them and possibly listen to them.

I don't know what to do in this situation. This has not happened before.

Randomness.

This just flashed through my head earlier:

How far off the beaten path must we go to find sanctuary?

I don't think it was an idle thought. I think it was a question posed by the dead. I honestly don't know what the answer would be. Looking at the horror in the world, I question if there is truly a place of sanctuary.

The matter of ISIL

New Flower Moon (Age: 0 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Warm, fair skies

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It was with great deliberation and much consultation with my Dísir that I came to the conclusion that it was appropriate to curse ISIL. They had added on another focus but I am not to speak of it until the full moon. Yesterday, I performed the curse on ISIL and I did so under the guidance of my Dísir. This really was the first time I have done magic with the active participation of the Dísir. I honestly have no idea how this will effect the manifestation of the spell's results.

They told me to do the exact opposite of my usual curse breaking spell. My usual curse breaking spell consists of taking three thorns, grinding them to a powder, and burning them. As I do so, I focus on the malevolent magic and energies that have been directed at someone and drive them down into the earth to dissipate. It sometimes is harder to do when I haven't much invested personally in the outcome of the spell. I think that is because I do my most effective magic when my heart is entwined with it.

 

The curse on ISIL was assembled in the physical realm by taking three thorns and driving them into a candle at varying intervals. As I lit the candle, I declared what the results of the curse would be and the target. I then allowed the candle to burn completely. It was interesting because as the candle burned, it cracked apart where the thorns pierced it. Also, the candle continued to burn for a little while when the wax about the wick was used up. I am more then a little bit certain that last bit was the hands of the Dísir. 

 

Unlike other spells I have done recently, I did not feel a great flow of power from myself into the flame. In this instance, I saw the flame drawing energy to it and then that energy was sent elsewhere. I also had the distinct impression that there were more deities then Loki, Freya, Odin, and Tyr observing (if not influencing) this. When the candle had burned down and extinguished itself, I disposed of all the remnants, taking care not to touch the components. I had the candle set in a 'bowl' made of aluminum foil. I did this because I didn't want to have the trouble of cleaning wax out of a candle holder. When I realized that the action also preserved me from handling the miasmic leavings of the spell, I immediately wondered if I had been guided to do so by the gods. 

While ISIL is causing havoc in the middle east, I've noticed that all of the old gods have sat up and taken notice (with more then a little displeasure). They've also been taking note of the other group that I was directed to include as a focus. I did a separate ritual for that. This second ritual has a longer time frame then the first. I think this means that the first will manifest more quickly. I feel that something is moving beneath the surface and the spells I have done this phase of the moon are going to have some far reaching consequences.

I was careful to manufacture the spells so that the blow back was as carefully directed as the spells themselves. I know that sending energy out means that energy returns to you. The curse that I sent out was crafted in such a fashion that the energy that returns will be something that removes harmful things from my life. Oddly enough, it was Freya's direct guidance that engineered that. I did a lot of the heavy lifting whilst she gave directions.

I haven't done divination on what the results of this will be. I am not going to either. I will just let it be as it is and let the plethora of gods deal with it. I have more immediate concerns to deal with right now. And perseverating on how the spell will manifest is only going to make me stressed out. ISIL and the others have kicked a hornets' nest. My actions merely funnel the direction of the hornets on to them. And that was all I, honestly, was willing to do.

Could I have gone farther with it? Yes. But I didn't think it was worth the fall out from doing so. And neither did my Dísir. And when all else fails, it's good to listen to the ancestors because they usually have a perspective that you don't on such things as magic.

Letters to Loki #18 - I believe.

Hey there Sly One,

I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.

When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.

I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.

So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.

It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.

Rant re: Your Native American Totem meme

Waning Wolf Moon (Age:  18 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: bitter cold, lake effect snow

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I've seen this meme flying around Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is on other social media platforms too. It is a click-quiz that proposes to determine what your "Native American Totem" is. I've seen several variations of this meme over the last few years (if not longer) and I am rapidly hitting a point where I want to poke people with a stick for posting it. I recognize that all things Native American are popular in fashion and pop culture right now. Their version of Native American chic is a repulsive lampooning of these dignified cultures and should be rejected.

I can understand if someone who is fairly new to the idea of animal spirit guides latches on to the idea that the Native Americans know more about it then the rest of us. It is intimidating to start researching spirit guides, especially when you come at it from an angle that doesn't seem to have much going on from your background (for example Asatru doesn't really have an official line on animal spirit guides). It is tempting to use something from another background because it is 'ready made' and can theoretically be applied by most anyone with a minimal amount of research.

There is, however, a big problem with that. It is called cultural appropriation. This is when someone assumes elements from another culture into their own activities with out any sensitivity or consideration for the original source of the material. A fine example of this, with the Native American cultures, is the use of warbonnets as a fashion prop. For the cultures that warbonnets originate from (and by the way, the Native Americans have multiple cultures and its an idiot who thinks there is only one), a warbonnet is both formal military dress and military honors. Wearing a warbonnet as a fashion statement is like putting on a full formal USMC uniform with a bunch of ribbons and medals that you not only haven't earned but you're not even remotely attached to the USMC and wearing it. Sadly, however, there are people who feel that stealing things such as warbonnets and wearing them for fashion are appropriate because the cultures they are taking from are 'defeated.'

There is a lot wrong with the idea of stealing from another culture. It is even more offensive when you are doing so from one that has suffered mightily at the hands of the 'dominant' culture. It is rubbing salt into those old wounds after forcibly reopening them whilst denying that there is anything wrong with that behavior. It is utterly callous and disgusting to do so. Now, there are ways to borrow elements from another culture with out engaging in cultural appropriation. When the elements adopted are done so from a position of respect and scholarship, it makes it possible for the person adopting those elements to do so in a manner that honors the original culture.

Now, some people may be wondering if an animal spirit guide is the sole property of the Native American cultures. While the concept is heavily influenced by how scholars (both professional and hobbyist) interpret the concepts from Native American cultures, the modern take on animal spirit guides really has developed into something different and unique to our time. While it is tempting to say that these ideas are for the really serious modern shamans, the modern understanding of animal spirit guides is fairly accessible to most anyone. The people who apply the label 'Native American' to these concepts (which are what is pretty much always shown in these memes) do so out of an attempt to 'legitimize' the concept by associating it with an older culture and earlier era.

This, however, is not necessary. I have friends who are modern, urban shamans that work with animal guides all the time. They don't paint things in the terms of 'Native American' anything because they don't need to. What they are using works with out any need to 'legitimize' it. While they recognize that there are some common elements between the animal guides of Native American cultures, they own the fact that what they are working with is a product of our society and era, of our culture. And that is more then ok.

I just wish that more people took that approach, to be honest.