Letters to Loki # 30

Dear Sly One,

I think I am going to have writer's cramp by the end of the day. I'm trying to get caught up on page count for a project. I spent the first 4 hours of the day writing. I still have 6 pages to write to be at least where my adjusted page count should be for right now. I'm frustrated because I am over a month behind on that project. I know what has been getting in the way of it all and I am really not happy with it.

I am trying to make things work despite problems with depressive episodes and anxiety. But the more I push, the harder it gets to go forward. But if I am not pushing things at all, I have stuff that just gets more and more behind as it goes on. My therapist says that I am demanding too much of myself. She's probably right. She keeps asking me why I do it. I have a hard time explaining that I feel like I need to do that.

I have two manuscripts in progress. I have seven blogs I write on. I have housework and child rearing stuff to do. I have the Yule projects I am finishing up as gifts for people. She looks at me and tries to get me to explain why I am doing so much. I feel like I need to do it all.

I feel like if I don't write the manuscripts now they are never going to get written. I feel like if I don't keep up with the blogs I am not going to make progress with building my name as an author. The housework and child rearing stuff is necessary for obvious reasons. The Yule presents are necessary because we have a bit of a budget crunch and the time I invest into presents made saves us money down the road. I feel like I need to do all this stuff because if I don't I'm a failure.

I feel like I've been a failure too often in the past and I need to make up for it. I know it is probably all the negative programming from when I was a kid and people fucked with my head. I can't manage to shut it up any other way. The medications only work to make it where I am not literally hearing a voice saying that garbage and keep me functional. The therapy... I have no idea where the fuck the progress is going with my therapy. Beloved tells me that I am making progress. You tell me I am making progress. Damn near everybody tells me I am making progress but I just can't see it.

But that's what's on my mind right now. I'll try to get out some wine for you this evening. I think I've still got one of those single serving bottles left. If I do, it's yours. If not, I'll give you some coffee. Either way, I'll be adding something to go with the chocolate that I put out for you. Because chocolate by itself isn't half as awesome as chocolate with something tasty to go with it.


Letters to Loki # 29

Dear World Breaker,

To say that my life has been shaken up over the last several days is an understatement. I'm inclined to say it is the doing of simple life circumstances. While I know others would blame you for the chaos in their life, I know that 99.9% of the time it is due to the derpiness of humanity and events unfurling that we really have no legitimate control over. I know that some of the chaos is because I'm trying to get things back to rights (or as close to the 'normal' state) in the wake of NaNoWriMo this year and in the beginnings of the Advent season.

It is not exactly a time that is conducive to calm. As such, I find myself to some extend spinning in circles trying to get the apartment cleaned up for me to begin Yule decorating. At the same time, I am trying to help the boys reach their goals for the reading program. (I forgot to write down all the books they read over the Thanksgiving break. I told them to pile up the books and now I'm finding piles in random places. Mostly under laundry and toys.)

Getting my eldest to do his mathematics homework is still a trial. He decided he wanted to do half of it on his own last night, so I let him. I looked at it, I could see it was obviously wrong, but I knew that he sincerely thought he was correct. I decided that I had neither the energy or time to walk him through the process and help him correct his mistakes like usual. I've been exhausted over the last several days, which makes homework time particularly challenging.

My exhaustion is because I haven't been sleeping well. That has been because on Saturday, I got my PTSD triggered by a stupid meme on Facebook. Since then, I have been having anxiety over sleeping because I find myself afraid of nightmares. It took me most of Sunday to get myself to where I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells. That was hard because the kids were pure mischief that day, so I kept getting very frustrated, which increased the feeling. I was a little better yesterday. I will admit, you were right. I did need that nap, as much as I needed the one I took this morning. I'm not happy about it, but as you said, what I need trumps what I want.

I completed NaNoWriMo over my word count goal by about 20k. I'm not close to being finished with this draft. I have been getting a mixture of frustration and compulsive need to finish it before I work on something else. The fact that I didn't do anything with it yesterday feels unnatural. I am now, however, juggling two manuscripts at the moment. I found one that I am way behind on that I'm trying to get caught up in over the next month. I honestly don't know what I am doing right now. I just feel like I need to write and I am again getting to where I feel like I need to work on everything all at once. I have been resisting that urge, with some difficulty, but it is there.

I feel like my mental health issues are on the verge of coming to the fore again. The PTSD has been active over the last few days. I suspect that my difficulties sleeping are going to make the bipolar start up if the fact that it is the holidays doesn't do it. I wish this wasn't always a bad time of year for me. I know I once enjoyed it. But that was before N- happened. And before I really came to grips with the fact that we truly had less than others in ways that made every element of the holiday season a sacrifice, in the unpleasant sense of the word. Now, those are the two things that dominate my thoughts. Add in my social phobia and this time of year just is horrible for me.

I want to do something different. I want to change how this time of year hits me. But I feel like something in it all has to break to change. Something about the egregore that has been created needs to shatter so the rest of it can come apart. I am having real difficulty making that happen. If you have suggestions for how to approach it, let me know. I want this to be the year that I am finally happy with this season again.