Booted from the plane.

Waning Blue Sap Moon (Age: ???)

Sign: ???

Weather: Unseasonably cold, flurries with sun

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, a while back, my friend L. gave me a reading. I was cautioned that I needed to 'jump out of the plane or be booted out of it before it crashes' to paraphrase the entire reading. Since then, the theme of jump or be kicked off keeps popping up. 

I'm a hard headed idiot sometimes. The gods are not patient with hard headed idiots for very long. There were warnings that something was coming along. Then they gave me a very direct object lesson in the importance of self-care. So, I learned from that lesson. I had fawn's legs but I was starting back on the road to good health and proper self-care.

Then I got diagnosed last week with diabetes. It was a combo of jumping from the crashing plane of bad habits and getting booted out of it, because I'll confess that I faltered. I got scared that I was going to fuck up my healthy habits again, like I have pretty much every time my mood goes haywire (thanks bipolar, may Loki show you what he finds funny). The day I walked into the doctor's office was a harried day that I had missed doing my morning yoga and dropped a cup of coffee on the counter (didn't break the mug just covered the counter with coffee).

I'm scared but I'm doing my best. Hence why I am typing slowly due to fingers having been pricked for blood sugar testing multiple times over the last several days. I put a lot of effort today into not having stuff that is filled with carbohydrates. It seems a bitter irony that a godspouse of Freyr can't have carbohydrates. The gods, however, have their sense of humor and I'm sure will help me find something amusing in all of this.

Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.

Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.

Snow & Ice & A curse or two.

Waning Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: X days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Cold, blowing snow

(Winter Storm Stella)

Drought status: N/A

Snow pack: ~ 8 in (haven't measured, can't find ruler)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back last month on the 24th, if I recall it correctly, there was a considerable effort put forth by many to curse that selfish monster in the Presidency. As much as I wanted to participate, life got in the way. It was the time of the last waning phase of the moon before the new moon. It is considered a prime time for casting spells of a 'darker' nature. It is also considered a good time for planting stuff that grows underground and for cutting hair. That, however, is beside the point of my post here.

I was trying to figure out what sort of spell was going to be most effective in bringing that man bad luck. While I was busy asking deities to mess with him, and giving them things in return for this, I cogitated on the matter. I was really stumped until this storm hit. And then it struck me just what to do. This spell is in two parts. The first part is a binding that is a bit different from what I usually do. The second part is a more ... traditional curse.

The binding requires a few things. A black candle, a facial hair from a woman (beard preferably), sand, and salt are what you need for this. Now, there is one element that you can't exactly pick up and place. The breath of a fish is something that sounds nonsensical. If you have a betta fish, as I do, you have access to all the little bubbles they blow when they get bored and decide to entertain themselves. What I did was I clipped one of the facial hairs off my chin and then used it to pop one of those little bubbles. Thus, it got a tiny bit of that fish breath on it. I then put that hair, a few grains of sand, and a few grains of salt on the candle. The sand and salt are both base elements in much of the landscape in my region. If I had powdered shale, I would have used that. But, if you can find out what the bedrock of your region is, go with that. That is the 'roots of the mountains' for this spell.

Anyone with a passing familiarity with Norse mythology will recognize the items I have gathered as what was used by the dwarves, amongst other items, to make the binding known as Gleipnir (the open one) that was used to bind Fenris. I made a point of not acquiring something like all of the items because it makes this harder to work. I haven't access to a cat, a bird's nest, or the remains of a bear. If I did and I was able to manage to some how capture the essence of a cat's footfall, bird saliva, and bear sinew, I would have made the attempt with it. Even though I haven't the full list of what was used for Gleipnir, what I have is still 'impossible' enough to make something that defies the efforts of those opposing me. So, I applied my spell elements to the black candle of binding with the intention that they are drawn into the flame and spun into a binding that will render the man, his right hand, and their supporters as ineffective in their tasks as Fenris is in causing mischief.

I am not putting my hand in this wolf's mouth. It has already done its best to consume me before I had declared it to be an enemy of my wellness and my people. This is something that they owe me for their deeds. This binding is but the first part of payment they are going to make on the things they have wrought against us. And, as the moon is not completely waning or new, I draw in some of the power of the full moon to push this forward. I am going to burn the candle completely and then the ashes will be disposed of in a manner that they can not contaminate anything due to their connection to that man. Some may ask, my use of my own hair in this spell, does it not draw that contamination to myself as well. I answer to this question, this is why I am going to be doing a full cleansing on all levels later and why I waited until such a cleansing was necessary. What I am sending of myself behind this spell is the miasma that has collected to me, the essence of my suffering, the various elements of despair and grief that have struck me. It is an act of sending a fetch made of my misery after them. Not something done lightly, but it serves multiple purposes. (No, I'm not going to go over all of them. And, to any who suspect it, yes, this was something advised by the All Father and the Vanadis.)

The sending of this element of myself after them is the concluding part of the binding and the beginning of the curse. I am going to reach out into the psychic energies within this storm and into all of the pain and misery that it has caused. I am going to grasp hold of the great toll of loss that this storm carries with it and channel it along the path that the fetch has gone. I am going to send the essence of snow and ice to blind their eyes so they may not see to do yet more evil. I am going to send the essence of bitter cold to choke their breath and slow their hands so that they have not the strength to engage in yet more evil. And I am going to send all aspects of ruin to them to destroy what they are attempting to build and rip apart the things they are engaged in to destroy the good of the nation.

One may ask, what sort of price goes along with this sort of thing. Well, there's two different ones to be paid here. One is actually to the storm jotuns who move through these storms to direct their attention and efforts towards these people in particular. (It is one that I negotiated with them. If you are going to do such a thing, you are going to have to negotiate your own price with them. Or with whatever elemental being or deity it is that your practice sees working with storms.) The other price that I pay is to the Lady of the Dead, Hela herself. Because in turning all of this baneful work on these people, it may go so far as to include the demise of them in the most literal of senses. So, I have asked for her direct aid in this. This was something else I had to negotiate directly with her.

There are some others, I am sure, that would also take interested in such work. As I am engaged in this under the direction of the All Father and the Lady, I know that their assistance is already in play. I have paid the dues for it by doing this work. (I also have additional work to do for them. As I mentioned earlier, this is outside of the scope of this post so I won't discuss it here.)

But, here's an idea for something that may work for you. If there is no storm raging that you can reach into and draw magic from, I know that you are all a resourceful lot and can find other ways to tap into primal energies.

Ingvi's Words of Wisdom

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Very dry, drought risk high

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting here feeling hideous because of the way I look. Ingvi walked up behind me, set his hands on my shoulders, and just cuddled me for a moment. (It's an odd thing to feel like you're being hugged when no one is physically hugging you. Beloved is literally sitting across the room with his back to me right now as he is reading a book.) Anyways, Freyr said something that really is wise. I do a terrible job of remembering it but he is always kind enough to remind me when I forget. Like I did tonight.

He said: Your soft belly is a wonderful, welcoming place for your sons to run to for a loving embrace. Your grey hair are signs of wisdom and well aged beauty. Your fine wrinkles are laugh lines more than lines of sorrow and they deepen the expressions of joy that you show. Each scar is a tale of glory. A badge of honor won with as much courage as blood on the battlefield. Your life has been hard lived and your body has worn the marks of it with grace. Never doubt you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and does not deserve your beauty.

I feel like I don't deserve to have him say such nice things about me. Amusingly, Loki's response to my saying this was the following said in a dry tone: 'That's a paddlin'.' That moment when kink and humor collide to both make you laugh, cheer you up, motivate you to do better, and make you reconsider the foolish choices ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And, of course, Ingvi just smiles indulgently as I kinda blush and mumble whilst Loki grins.

That last bit actually describes the last few weeks fairly well.

A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.

Letters to Loki No. 37

Dear Loki,

I am pretty tired after the day I had today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I'm pleased with that and I'm glad that I made some serious headway on resolving some of my creative blocks. All that said, I am not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. It is going to be another day of running errands around town. I want to try to get some time in for writing but I'm not sure how. I have a pile of housework that needs resolved so that I can get cracking on the few household projects I need done before the kids finish up with school for the year.

I'm a little nervous about how that is going to go. It didn't help matters much when the psych nurse who oversees my meds was voicing her 'concern' about if I am going to be overwhelmed with the kids when they're on break. She is decidedly of the opinion that my problems with depression are all sparked by my response to the stress of the kids being on break. I keep trying to show her that it isn't the case. She, however, has made up her mind as to how things are and pretty much ignores when I say something otherwise. It is very frustrating.

I have finally started work on my sister-in-law's bridal shower gift. It is somewhat funny how I kept finding things that were almost right. I have pretty much given up the idea of using an edging that someone else has designed. I am now in the beginning stages of crocheting an edging that is inspired by the Victorian pattern book I won at the spinning guild's silent auction last year. I started work on it a few hours ago. I have the first row of foundational crochet done along one side and a few inches on a second. I was suspicious that doing five stitches into the corner was going to weaken the fabric. I have discovered, however, it has quite the opposite effect. Cue a significant sense of relief.

I am a bit overwhelmed on how to proceed forward on the project that you've given me. I see a plethora of options before me. It makes things somewhat confusing and hard for me to pick one. A little direction would be greatly appreciated. This way I can figure out at least how to start on it all.

Bushels of Love,
Me

Signal Clarity & Ramblings

Waxing Blue Moon (Age: 10 Days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Humid, partly cloudy,

& seasonably warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little while back, Freyr, Loki, and Odin told me that I needed to complete three books this summer. With my difficulty finding writing time, I began to panic a little. In my effort to feel as though I had actually accomplished something, I took out the boys' scrapbooks and started updating them. As I worked, I had this powerful sense of peace fill me. I no longer felt the frantic anxiety that I wasn't going to finish the deeds I was called to do in the time frame allotted. As I sat with that feeling, Freyr made his presence known. I asked him if this was what I was supposed to be working on. He nodded and smiled as he gave me a hug and kissed my temple.

As I am getting ready for the publication of book two of the fantasy series I am writing, Loki made himself quite impossible to ignore. (Not that I ignore him when he annoys me.) He was just about beside himself with excitement today as I posted the first of the several posts I will be making leading up to the release. That was when I realized this was one of the three books I was supposed to complete this summer. Between the two scrapbooks and this novel, I have three books I'm wrapping up this summer. I feel a bit silly for making myself panic over finishing others that I have partially written.

Some days, I get a message from the gods or the spirits and I understand it fairly well. Those are days where I have good signal clarity on my 'godphone'. Then there are the days where I misunderstand, misinterpret, or generally mess up the message. Those are the bad signal clarity days. Other psychics don't talk about it much, but they do happen on a fairly regular basis. I have noticed that my bad signal clarity days happen when I am really anxious or stressed out over something. I tend to overthink everything and make assumptions when I'm like that.

I suppose there is still something of a learning curve when you're doing psychic stuff, even if you've been at it for most of your life. In some cases, that learning curve is tied to the work you are doing. In other cases, like most recently for myself, it is tied to things regarding how you handle the work you are doing. Loki is right when he says I have a bad habit of taking on the biggest possible task I can at a given moment. He has been making strongly worded suggestions that I either deal with it in my therapy journal writing or some pointed discussions with my therapist.

When he hasn't been busy with his laser guided commentary on my issues, Loki has been trolling me. It seems like every time I'm out driving and he shows up, Up Town Funk starts playing. And I am beginning to get sick of Up Town Funk. It was funny at first, especially with him lipsynching and dressed in a gaudy holloween styled pimp suit. We've no progressed past funny into 'dear gods, give me a break.' Loki has been getting some laughs at my exasperation. Good friends: they poke you with sticks sometimes just to make you jump. I keep telling him that I'm going to get even. That makes him laugh harder. But, that kinda makes sense. It's sort of impossible to troll a deity. It's like trying to tell him a joke and he blurts out the punchline before I've even gotten started. But, that's Loki for you. I love him how he is, even when he drives me nuts.

Freyr... Where do I begin with him? So much I want to say but I feel uncomfortable doing so. People tending to hate on the people who are romantically involved with deities makes me really uncomfortable to begin with. The thought of that including insulting attitudes towards Freyr really makes me wary. Still, he is of the opinion that I blog a bit about how things are between him and I, so I am going to make the effort. He assures me it will all turn out well. So, there is that.

I've been struggling pretty hard with body image issues and eating for a while now. Freyr has been helping me keep track of how often and what I eat. Because of his firm direction, I have transitioned almost completely away from drinking soda. Instead, I've been having iced tea and iced coffee. As a result of just cutting down on the soda, I have lost several pounds. I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I got so stressed out that I was starting to starve myself again. (I was borderline anorexic in high school.) The feeling like everything in my life was out of control thus the only real control I had was over what I ate really did a number on me. Over the course of about three weeks, I dropped around 30 lbs.

Freyr was not pleased. I felt guilty and scared that I was getting really bad again. Beloved was just as upset as Freyr. It was a pretty shitty time. Beloved and Freyr helped me get back to eating three meals a day. It took a few weeks but I got back to it. My weight went up by about seventeen pounds but I was actually eating properly so I didn't get upset about that. Ever since I had the boys, I have been looking at the number on the scale and feeling like it was disgustingly too high. My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight being unhealthy. I didn't have anyone actively telling me I looked awful. Beloved was horrified by the idea that I felt like I was disgustingly fat. I blame all of the damn advertisements out there that tells women to lose weight to be beautiful. That passive version of mind manipulation is damaging, especially for women who have some what fragile grasps on a positive body image, like myself.

Freyr has taken some offense to the idea that I have this distorted image. He is not offended with me but on my behalf. It is a strange position to be in, to be honest. It just never occurred to me that he's be angry with something like that. He is, however. (You just don't want to see how angry Freyja is over this concept. Spitting mad is an understatement. In other news, Freyja is scary when she is furious, even if it is not directed at you and on your behalf. D/N/T Vanadis. EVER!) Because he is concerned about how this stuff is affecting me and is more than a little angry about how it is damaging to so many people, he became more active in helping me manage my health stuff.

Some days, I feel depressed and I start to really savagely rip on myself. Freyr has literally shaken me out of that mindset when it got really bad. Nothing is quite so odd as having muscle spasms that don't hurt and makes your whole arm tremble. The weirdness of it broke that mental loop as I tried to figure out what was going on and if this was because of my medication. But it only happened once, so I don't think I'm developing tardive dyskinesia or anything else like that. That was a strange and disturbing experience but it got the job done. And I have discovered that Freyr is like Loki with respect to being completely mercenary about getting something handled. He will use whatever method is at hand and most effective.

Thus, when I found myself going in the opposite direction and starting to 'eat my feelings' Freyr stepped in and made 99.9% of everything sweet taste awful. When the gummy bear addict is repulsed by the gummy bears, you know something is up. As I have been getting better at handling things in moderation, I'm finding that sweets are not quite so wretched. I still get fed up with them (LOL pun) pretty quickly but I can progress beyond being ready to spit out the stuff as soon as it hit my tongue.

I also think that Freyr is part of the reason why I have a hard time sitting still when the weather is nice. Last summer, I wasn't really keen on the idea of being outside but now I've been going out every day that it isn't raining. We've been taking walks and looking at the public gardens at the park by the lake that is a short ways from my home. Sometimes on those walks, we'll talk. Other times, he's just by my side. There have been a few times where there was a very faint second shadow beside mine on the side where Freyr is walking. It was pretty cool and I was thrilled.

When he isn't helping me manage my health issues and we're not out admiring the seasonal flowers, Freyr will sometimes just be with me while I'm working on stuff. Just the other day, I was paying bills as he was nearby working on something. Nonoriel Lokisson has described his spouse as sitting around doing paperwork while he is making stuff or doing whatever he does to run his business. It kinda baffled me. And then it happened with Freyr. I was sitting on the couch, knitting one of the presents I've been making people for Yule, when I looked over to see Freyr with a lap desk and a stack of papers almost an inch thick and reading glasses. It was, honestly, the reading glasses that threw me for a loop. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said, "They're comfortable and makes things easier." You can't argue with that type of response, even if it is coming out from behind some type of paperwork in a script you have no way of reading.

(Anyone else who is involved with Freyr, can you confirm if he is a polyglot? I keep getting the impression that he knows ALL THE LANGUAGES. A lot like Loki, to be honest.)

Most of the time, things with Freyr are fairly low key and relaxed. There are times where he will sternly tell me to stop doing something (ie a habit I am trying to break) or will become super serious about something we're discussing. But those are the exception to the rule. For some reason, I had this idea that being involved with a deity was some type of storybook romance and like the spiritual equivalent of champagne and roses half the time. I don't know why I got that impression from the godspouse blogs that I have read. But, between Freyr and I things are downright domestic. (If he ever gives you recommendations on how to improve a recipe, LISTEN. Amazing things came from that and I regret that I didn't write down what we used to make that salad dressing. It was seriously one of the best things I have had this year.)

Though there has been no sort of ceremony, Freyr has taken to calling me his wife. I usually counter with 'but we're not married' and his rejoinder is 'close enough.' Loki has found this to be hilarious. Especially when Freyr manages to make me flustered and all I can do is splutter out that retort. I've been deemed adorable because of this. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting interesting over the next few months.

Letters to Loki #18 - I believe.

Hey there Sly One,

I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.

When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.

I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.

So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.

It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.

I'm not a fuzzy bunny.

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from

the west, intermittent flurries

Snow pack: approx 3 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.

I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.

It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise. 

The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?

TPE: Divinities

Old Wolf Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Just above freezing, partly cloudy,

snow total around 4 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am a polytheist. I believe in many gods. I worship many gods. I am involved with many gods. Some of what I do looks like a study in paradox. I believe and work with a goddess of a monotheistic religion. At the same time, I believe and work with the gods of the Nordic pantheon. And I have passing interactions with deities from pantheons that I don't generally involve myself in. (At times, those interactions I try desperately to avoid but get boxed in on that front. And I'm looking at you, the lwa. I know you've got eyes on me. Here's your public acknowledgement, as I agreed not long ago to do.)

Some may think that my involvement with a deity of a monotheistic religion would negate the polytheism. That makes the mistake of assuming that only one religion is correct. As strange as this might sound, all religions are correct. So, is Ragnaroc going to happen? Yep, so is Armageddon and a laundry list of other things. They all manifest differently. The upheaval you see in the world is partly due to that manifestation. (Oh, on the point of doomsday scenarios, they have happened, are happening, and will be happening all at the same time. Because gods experience time differently then we do. So, all of the endings are happening at the same time as all of the beginnings. And all the stuff in the middle still happens to.) 

We can't constrain the gods to human perspectives. This would lessen them and reduce their stature to projections of ourselves. I'm not saying that archetypes are not important and useful. And I'm not saying that there are not large scale projections of ourselves out there. (Look up egregores and you can get an interesting view on how that little trick works.) But gods go beyond the level of egregores. Egregores are limited in what they do. They operate on the basis of how they are programmed. Gods, on the other hand, are like cats and will do what ever they damn well please, regardless for how humanity wants it to go.

They are intelligent, sentient forces that create, sustain, enliven, control, and destroy universes. To some extent, our universe is a single thing. But we must acknowledge that there is an aspect of the universe that is accessible only for the individual. My experience of the universe is different from your experience of the universe, which is different from the experience of someone ten thousand miles away. And all these experiences are different from that of a blade of grass, an animal, or protozoa. And if you are an animist, there is the myriad of things traditionally considered not to be alive by Western thought (this tradition going back to the Enlightenment, if not a bit earlier) that have their own experience of reality. Somewhere, in the midst of all this soup of experience, gods move through it all. 

And the 'truth' of reality and its relationship to deities is a murky thing to puzzle out because we have no way of knowing all the information on our side of the relationship, let alone begin to comprehend anything of the deities and their side of the relationship. It is a mystery. Some people get afraid when this mystery is pointed out. I find comfort in it. It tells me that somewhere in the universe, there is a meaning to what happens that goes beyond pure causality. Given that my experience with deities has been generally positive, I am inclined to think that meaning is something positive.

Joyous Mabon!

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Cool, cloudy with light breezes

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. I wish I could report that I celebrated Mabon with great festivities but it was just an ordinary Monday at my house. The only special things I did was collect a bouquet of flowers and bake a loaf of bread. I have been finding that the turning of the seasons has brought a good deal of a shedding of dead weight from my life.

Acting upon the deep urges to prepare for the coming Winter, I have been taking stock of my pantry and working on restocking it with supplies for hard weather. My urges to preserve food have been culinary failures recently. I'm not going to give up, however, because I am convinced that I can get at least one batch of sauerkraut going before the weather turns rough. I have also been busily at work making gifts for Yule. 

I think I'm about half finished with the list of things I have yet to make. I also have gotten back to work on my spinning. I went to the Finger Lakes Fiber Festival yesterday. While I was there, I bought a French spindle and some Icelandic sheep's wool. Like the last batch of Icelandic sheep's wool, I'm going to spin it up to make something for Freyr. 

Speaking of the god, he has been much on my mind of late. Partly because I see the waning of the greenery about me and I feel his absence like an ache. Partly because he has been walking through my dreams quite a bit. When I gave him the first slice of bread that I cut off the loaf I made, I could feel him with me. I sensed he was amused by the scraggly bouquet and appreciative of the bread. I didn't have much time to commune with him at that moment because the house was very busy with two little boys causing mischief.

It is a strange thing for Freyr to be both absent and present at the same time. If I try to figure it out, it gives me a bit of a headache. I just have to accept it as a Mystery. I've also been having dreams of Odin. The one I had last night leaves me a touch chagrined, as the All-Father sternly told me to stop pussy-footing about what Freyr is asking of me. I think it is not mere coincidence that the clasp of the necklace with the Stag on it suddenly started causing an allergic reaction (which it never did before) and I went back to the necklace with the Greenman charm. Freyr seems to prefer it on me. I got it into my head that I should switch to the Stag when the season began to turn. 

Looking back on it, I suppose it was a measure of indulgence that Freyr didn't have the cord snap or the silver rings that I had been wearing for him fall off before now. I think that my time of being headstrong has come to a close and I need to just take the plunge. When I last dreamed of Freyr, he asked me what I was so afraid of. I confessed that I was afraid of rejection and he laughed at that. (He has a beautiful laugh. It was awkward to be both thrilled to be the cause of it and embarrassed at the same time.) I was then told to tell him what I really was afraid of. 

So, I told him that I was also afraid that all of this was wish fulfillment or my losing my mind. Again, he chuckled. Then he told me that this was closer to the mark. He asked me a third time and I answered, in frustration, that I was afraid I was going to screw up. He didn't laugh at me that time. Instead, his expression turned solemn and he told me that I was being afraid of illusions. He asked me if I was tired of running from them. I didn't exactly have words to respond but somehow he knew the answer to that question was yes. Apparently my fear of not being up to the task, losing my mind, and rejection in this case are all masks of something else. 

Looking on it all now (with Loki tapping his foot and glaring at me) I suppose I have to admit, I'm afraid of this change. I have no idea what this change will bring me and that scares me. It's been about a year now since I've stopped running from Freyr long enough to just be with him. He's all gentleness and kindness. Except when he's not. But even when he's not handling me with kid gloves, he is still loving and keeping me in high regard. This terrifies me almost as much as the actuality of my impact upon my children does.

I told Freyr that I would pledge myself to him on a temporary basis back at the Vernal Equinox. He gently prodded me on the matter at the Summer Solstice. Now, I guess I have to make my decision. Loki assures me that Freyr is not playing a game here, unless it's for 'keeps'. Odin and Loki both are of the opinion that Freyr is good for me. Dea has been quiet, giving me her sphinx smile when I ask her what to do. I want to step forward into his arms, but I get frozen with fear.

I suppose it is a good thing that he's patient, though that patience is waning. I get the very clear impression, regardless of what I do, he will still be here. Loki is strongly urging me not to 'friendzone' Freyr. Stargazer's whispered to me from the other side that I really need to remember what I learned with her. In all of this, I feel like a world class idiot. I swing back and forth between feeling like an idiot for daring to think that perhaps this really is happening and feeling like an idiot for not having faith. The only constant is that I feel like an idiot. It's a rather rotten place to be, honestly.

I think that I'm upon a turning point. What ever choice I make, there is no going back. That scares me too. I suppose it is a good thing that I have the ability to knuckle down and push forward despite fear.

Wandering around in trance.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, humid

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Earlier this evening, I was chatting with Njord's Wife and I told her a bit about a trance journey I did a few nights ago. I guess it was Saturday night before I went to bed that I did a trance journey to visit Odin, as per Loki's very strong urging. I found myself in a small room with a table that was almost too big for it sitting in the center and a large chair behind it. Odin was sitting in the chair dressed in blue jeans and a blue plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. On the table, there was a net of some kind, I think it was a fishing net, that he was working on repairing.

He looked up from his work and I suddenly got very self conscious. I basically tried to make myself completely unnoticeable, which was nonsensical because a.) you can't exactly hide from a god and b.) there was no where to hide. He looked up from his netting and said bluntly, "You have to stop this. You're better then that." I has the brilliant idea of attempting to argue that I wasn't worthy of his attention.

I stammered something about how I was just an ordinary human, a mere housewife of no consequence. Right after the words were out of my mouth, I felt a little sick with fear. I expected Odin to get angry with me for arguing with him. He surprised me. 

Odin gave an exasperated sigh, put down the netting, and gave me a stern look. He then told me to come sit down. The only chair in the room was his chair. I started to move to sit on the floor when he gave me an 'are you kidding me?' look and then patted beside himself on the chair. I went and sat down beside him. I had the curious feeling of being a little kid sitting beside a grown adult. This feeling only intensified as Odin put an arm around my shoulders and looked solemnly at me.

He then told me that I had to stop living in the past. I, being the genius I am at times, started to say that I wasn't living in the past. That was when Odin told me that all of my negative self talk was my reliving the past and that I had to stop doing it if I wanted to get any better. I felt kinda ashamed of myself when he said that. I had a hard time looking at him because of how ashamed I felt.

Then Odin gave me a bit more of a hug. He smiled at me and patted my right knee which was kinda against his. He told me that I was going to be alright and that I was loved by far more then I realized and that I had to start showing myself some of that love.

Odin exuded all of the good qualities of a father. It was as if I had all the warm memories of my Dad and Grandpa rolled into one with every other potential good experience of a parental figure at the same time. I didn't get any sense of anger or disappointment with me (which I was afraid of happening). Instead, I got the impression of pride, love, and fatherly concern. It makes me feel a bit foolish for being so afraid to approach him before now.

I also did a trance journey to visit with Mani for the first time since I was a child. I found myself in a night time grove of trees. A white chariot/cart with black windows was off on one side. Two white horses were cropping the grass nearby. Mani was sitting on the lip of a well at the center of the grove, holding a white bow in his left hand, unstrung. He smiled at me as though I was an old friend.

I apologized for not coming back to see him and he waved my apology off. He said that my pointed observance of the moon was enough when I had so much going on. He laughed when I voiced some concern and confusion at his presence when I knew that the moon was up and on its way through the sky. Again, there was amusement as my attempting to apply the logic of Midgard to deities. Mani seemed to find this adorable, as he declared it was cute of me attempting to do so and then reminding me that gods are not as limited as humans and the other occupants of Midgard.

Rambling update and such.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Partly Cloudy, seasonably mild

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The last few weeks have been rather rough on me. I've been struggling with my bipolar, namely with the depressive aspect of it, for a while now. It has sapped so much of the strength out of me that it makes engaging in ritual of any sort difficult. I also have the challenge of having two little boys running wild all over the place. School starts in a little over two weeks. I am anticipating holding a small blót for the blessing of my children as they embark on a new school year.

I have been having a hard time finding time to do more then write in my prayer journal. Even that has been difficult to do. I feel as though I'm failing to meet my obligation to the gods by not engaging in active worship practices every day. I, however, have gotten the distinct impression from the gods that the one putting the onus on my shoulders is myself, not them. If anything, they have been admonishing me to be more understanding with myself and focus on doing what I can within my limitations, rather then forcing myself to do as I would if I was perfectly fine.

I have been doing regular trance journeys to just be with Freyr for a little while now. Usually, the trance journey has me meeting him in a field at the edge of a forest. We walk in the forest and I tell him about my day and what I have on my mind. He seems to be pleased with this effort. I still worry that I am engaging in fantasizing and dealing with sock puppets of my mind. Freyr's response to this concern has ranged from bemusement to mild exasperation to pity. Of the three responses, it is the pity one that upsets me.

It deeply troubles me to think that anyone, especially a deity, pities me. I have been raised to see pity as something for the weak and wretched. I try to put that life lesson to the side but it has been very challenging to do so. Freyr seems to be of the mind that I should learn to accept that pity is not a bad thing, nor is mercy, when it is directed at me.

At Loki's behest, I did a trance journey to visit Odin. It was awkward. Mostly, I was the one having difficulty. Odin seemed very confused with my tendency to be so harsh with myself and yet so compassionate with others. He also seemed disappointed with the fact that this is my 'default' way to treat myself. Odin has given me some work to do and sternly demanded that I continue to give full effort on my psychotherapy and related work. 

 

Among the things that Odin has directed me to do is learn more about runes, bindrunes, and galdr. He is of the opinion that I am not fully utilizing my gifts and that I will make a great deal more progress in pretty much all areas if I focus on these things. I find it interesting that Odin has given me the directive to learn about bindrunes and Loki has nudged (if you count shoving with both hands and full force a nudge) me to resume work on sigils. I have a little notebook where I have a few things about sigils written in it. I suppose it is time for me to break that out and work on it again.

With the increasingly powerful presence of the Norse gods (mainly the Vanir and the Aesir), I am finding myself discontented with my altar. The statuettes that I used to represent the Wiccan God and Goddess (a figure of Buddha and Kwan Yin) feel completely disconnected from what I am working with now. The Kwan Yin figure sort of works for my dealings with Dea in the aspect of the Daughter but I have a statuette that resonates more strongly with that front. I want to acquire figurines or something else that can serve as a meditative focus and icon for the Norse gods but everything that I look at is terribly expensive.

I am half tempted to use some salt clay and make some figurines but I know that my skills in figure making are severely lacking. I can do the equivalent of stick figures in clay. I've tried asking the gods what I should do and they merely smile at my desire to have depictions of them and give no direction. It is somewhat upsetting for me because I am at a complete loss for how to proceed. I see figures that I like on the crafting group I'm apart of but I'm afraid to attempt to barter with the creators because they are making things that would be worth several hundreds of dollars and my little things are no where near that.

I don't know what I am going to do on that front. Loki admonishes me to be patient and that what I need will come to me. I've a prayer card for Mani. It is breathtaking and looks exactly like how he did when he appeared to me when I was a child and struggling with nightmares. I have it sitting on my altar beside a little travel shrine I made for Freyr and a glass jar with an ear of wheat in it. I am going to do my best to let the items come to me in their own time. Either the funds to acquire the figurines will come to me or something that I can use for a devotional focus will find its way to me. 

 

I'm trying not to be impatient. But I don't know what to do with the other statuettes. I have a green jade statuette of Buddha that I don't know what to do with it either. I am confident that it needs to go to a good home, I just don't know who or where it is to go.

Message recieved, Boss.

New Corn Moon (age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Seasonably warm, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To use the phrasing of my larp character who is an avowed priestess of Loki, 'Message received, Boss.' I was just derping around on the interwebz when I found myself finding my way back to the same web page as a result of clicking random links. It was an upfront and obvious thing to have this thrust into my face four times by way of random links.

I had been struggling with some measure of anxiety that I was approaching this whole business of being a follower of the Northern European gods. I made the mistake of reading blogs of some other people who are practicing pagans and found myself feeling like I was coming up short. As a result, I started to perseverate and worry that I was doing all of this wrong. I sat there and questioned if the Aseir, Vanir, and Jotnar would be offended by my involvement with Dea. I then found myself running in proverbial circles, half convinced that I was obviously doing something wrong because what I am doing is so different from what a bunch of others are.

Then Loki broke out the clue-by-four and thumped me with it. (In all honesty, I am thankful that it was a gentle tap on the head this time. Maybe this means that I'm starting to 'get' it.) It is ironic because the message here was much the same as the one that I had conveyed to a dear friend who is struggling with her own spiritual path with Loki. I'm pretty sure that Loki facepalmed at my having issues over this on the immediate heels of passing that message on (in cosmic time, because the actual message incident was a few weeks ago).

The message that I came away with from that post (and I have just read it for a fifth time to confirm what I was getting out of it) was this: trust what the gods are showing you. Their resounding silence on the matter of my involvment with Dea is not condemnation. I haven't gotten any signs that suggest that they're even mildly annoyed with this weird business that I've got going on. I suppose that the gods are more magnanimous then I was willing to admit. 

I feel a bit chagrined to note that. Loki, however, doesn't tolerate self deception in his people. He even has given me a nudge in the direction of Odin and Freyr, which suggests that he doesn't want to keep me all to himself. I get the distinct impression that he is amused by my concerns that things were going to be that way between us. I've been stumbling over my own two feet and running myself around in circles of late. Loki is now pointing to me the way to get out of this metaphysical loop that I got myself stuck in.

After my prayers asking for some kind of a sign for how to start making forward progress again, I am thankful for this message. A part of me feels like the fool who couldn't see the forest for the trees but I suppose we all have times where it happens to us. Loki seems willing to let me try on the role of being his priestess via this larp character. I'm still not decided on this because I don't feel qualified for it. Honestly, I don't feel qualified for most of the stuff that the gods have put infront of me.

Loki, however, is nudging me out of the nest. I'm just going to have to take it on faith that I can fly with these proverbial wings. And if I fall, that someone will catch me. I get that there is no question of failure here beyond the failure to make the attempt. So, like I said, message received.

Still plugging away.

Waning Thunder Moon (age: 16 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Humid, seasonably warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have nothing of note really to post this evening. I had planned to do a small ritual for the full moon and then life happened. I've been struggling with depression for a little while now. It has made it hard for me to keep up on my daily devotions and my responsibilities around the home. I pray every day to the gods but right now I just don't feel their presence. It is very discouraging to feel this way.

I tell myself that it will pass, like it does every month, but it is still gut wrenching. I suppose the hardest part about being depressed right now is the fact that I have so very many reasons not to be depressed. The weather is nice. I have some strawberries growing in the planter that are just now getting ripe. The black raspberries are getting ripe, so I will have some to harvest very soon. Last Tuesday, I cleaned up my altar space and put down a runner that I love. I then placed out some offerings to the gods, including the first of the strawberries that are off my little plant and a cutting of mint from my prolific plant on the back deck.

It felt like a hollow gesture. A part of me says that I am just spinning my wheels when I pray or lay out offerings right now. I know it is my depression talking. It doesn't make it any easier to bear. As hard as it is to do what little I can in observances right now, I am still going to make the effort. I don't want to fall out of the habit of reaching towards the gods because it will be that much harder to resume the practice later.

Walking Forward.

Waning Rose Moon (25 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Mild, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have started the process of my part of this dance that Freyr and I are engaged in. Yesterday, I made a point of spending time on things I enjoyed and being social with friends. Today, I took time to attend to working on improving my health. I feel a touch foolish doing these things as devotional activities but as a fellow Lokean pointed out, devotional activities are things that are supposed to improve us.

I have been doing a lot more writing relating to my psychological difficulties. As this has been challenging for me to do, I feel a little less uncomfortable offering it up to Freyr. He had told me to write and did not tell me what to write. While I try to do the happier, more erotic writing for him, the daily grind of my therapy journaling has been making up the bulk of what I have been writing.

I felt his presence very strongly yesterday afternoon as I was driving out to Buffalo and back home. On the way there, it was just a very companionable presence. It was as though we were literally just taking a drive together and enjoying the countryside. On the way home, he spoke to me. I was told how I needed to stop censoring myself in my writing and to continue making my health a priority. He also expressed that when I was engaged in devotional activity for him, that he wanted my hair to be unbound.

It was a little bit awkward when he stated that. I have my prohibition from Dea to cover my hair around people who would potentially disrespect me. I'm not sure how I am going to observe that and manage to fulfill this new task from Freyr. It feels a bit awkward to have my hair unbound beneath the tichels that I wear. I wonder if this means I should start using a different style of headcovering now.

That awkward moment...

That awkward moment when you realize that you fall down on the hard polytheist side of the ledger rather then the soft polytheist or soft-ish side.

I now understand why the deities have been so amused with me of late. I have been struggling with this idea of soft versus hard polytheism. At one point, I even was questioning my spiritual path. And then I had this startling realization, the gods are truly unique and separate beings from each other. This makes the whole matter of Dea even more confusing, I confess. It was the question of if a person has multiple personalities, are they a single person or multiple people sharing a body that did it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the multiple personality question really couldn't apply to deities. Or should I say, the 'multiple people sharing a body' thing couldn't apply. Because I have had experiences where more then one deity interacted with me at the same time. I don't think that works for people with DID/MPD. That single body thing constrains interaction to a 'one at a time' kind of thing, from what I've been able to figure out by my research. Soft polytheism takes the concept of deity and turns it into a multiple persons in one body situation.

But, having deities manifest at the same time and doing entirely different things at the same time shows that they're not sharing a 'body'. The Divine Mother confuses me. That confusion, I confess, has me a bit anxious and running in proverbial circles at the moment. I'm sure it will clear itself up.

I know that she has work for me to do. It will be a case where she will give me what I need to do it and I think part of that will be information that will help with this confusion. The gods are generous like that.

New Year, new efforts.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 Days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Mild, partly cloudy, cool front

moving in from the west

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have not been as diligent in updating here as I have been with my other blog. I intend to correct this. While I am probably not going to be updating one to two times every week, I am going to attempt to do so at the very least near the full moon. So much has happened since my last post, I'm not exactly sure where to begin. I find it very... telling that my last entry in here was discussing the Dead.

Aug. 22, 2013, my paternal grandfather died due to complications from his brain cancer. It was near when I did my last post that I saw my grandfather still ambulatory and he had the beginnings of the shroud around him. I knew that he was going to die soon, I just wasn't sure how soon. The night of Aug. 21, I saw Bifrost in the sky. Some people would say that it was nothing more then atmospheric phenomena. I'm sure that Grandpa would have chuckled and said that too.

At the time he died, I looked up at the sky on a pull of intuition and I saw Bifrost again. There were no rain clouds and the apparent rainbow wasn't where it would typically be in the case of a sundog or a halo. When I spoke to my Mom later on the phone, I had chills when she told me what time he died. I find myself curious if I'll be seeing the Rainbow Bridge when it draws close to when my paternal Grandmother or any other relatives die.

Peace is an uneasy thing between my parents and I. We're making an effort. As such, we went to Thanksgiving dinner and had planned to stop by Christmas Eve. That went awry when the kids got sick. I must admit, it is a curious thing. Perhaps it is merely bad timing. But this makes two years in a row that we planned to go and visit my side of the family around Christmas and people got sick at the last minute. (A part of me wonders if they assume that we're just making excuses or not. I try not to perseverate on that overly much.) New Year's eve and day were yet another go-round with everybody being sick at my place. It finally cleared up in time for the kids to go to school.

On the witchery front, things have been fairly quiet due to everything that has been going on. I have done a few hex breakings, a spell to restore lost and stolen goods to their rightful owners, and a few healing spells. I have also been lighting candles for people who have been in need of Divine assistance. Slowly, my little notebook of people I pray for has been growing. I am going to put out a public note (here and elsewhere) that if people would like me to pray for them, they should let me know. 

Every Monday, I pray a variant of the Rosary (when I have time or remember). Dea has been forgiving of my difficulties when I am not able to do so. Since Yule, I have been keeping a light on the altar at all times. It's just something that I felt pulled to do. I'm not sure how much longer I should keep doing it. I figure the gods will let me know one way or the other. I keep a light in my little 'hearth' (a soapstone oil burner with an electric votive candle) for Brighid.

I give Loki a cup of coffee just about daily. I am getting over my anxiety about Freyr being interested in me. I have a little portable shrine that I made for him sitting on the altar. I felt like that was something appropriate to do. I have been keeping a little electric candle there too. Freyr has been getting tea. I have been writing for him as well. It's been exceptionally awkward for me to be writing adult literature for him but it seems to be something he appreciates.

At his urging, I have been putting more serious effort into my writing. I have been dedicating the time I put in on that work to him as well. I pledged that from the solstice to the equinox, I would give being one of his 'people' a try. It's nerve wracking but I'm realizing that most of the problem is me proverbially stumbling over my own feet. I feel fortunate that Freyr's response to this has been patience and more then a little bit of good humor. I get the impression that he finds my awkwardness around him endearing.

Dea has ever so quietly been making it know that she wants me to continue my work on the Veiled Witch blog and that my half baked idea of writing another book of prayers (this time being an adaptation of the book of psalms) should be made into a reality. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. It has been a very strange and very challenging last few weeks.

I think that I am in the midst of making strides, though I have no idea where this is all going. The gods just smile at me and the Dead are all being my cheering section. I suppose this is where one takes that step forward in faith and trust that they will be caught as they tumble into the abyss. I hate the sensation of falling but I suppose that is the first step towards learning to fly.

Make every action a prayer.

Waning Hay Moon (age: 28 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been rather busy around here. This is literally the first opportunity I have had to post anything here. I have been engaged in a lot of prayer over the last month. Health issues lead to a period of convalescence in a hospital in July. During this time, I spent a great deal of effort in prayer. As I get life back to normal around home, the focus on prayer has not shifted.

Indeed, I have moved from quietly murmuring something as I moved about the room to keeping a prayerful mind as I engaged in my tasks during the day. It was a comforting counterpoint and change from the habit of worry.  It was surprisingly easy to dedicate my efforts towards the Divine. Even when I was engaged in serious introspection this afternoon, I took a moment to dedicate those efforts to the Gods.

It may seem a bit silly to some and overly pious to others. After all, something as mundane as washing dishes is not the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of a contemplative prayer. Most people think of a monk or a similar person cloistered in a still, silent location with all of their focus on the Divine. While there is a place for such devotional activities, most of us don't have that luxury of freedom from distractions. 

This is where I draw inspiration from *gasp* the Catholic St. Therese of Lisieux. She taught and practiced what she called the Little Way. It was by small, daily acts of kindness and compassion to all about her that St. Therese developed herself spiritually. If something as simple as taking the cracked cup that others didn't want could build such a wise soul, surely it can prove of equal use in honoring the Divine. I have read her autobiography several times and I highly recommend it.

I confess, I draw a great deal of inspiration from medieval Catholicism. I find comfort in doing my best to pray every day at all times. I can not always sing chants in honor of the deities I follow. I can, however, dedicate what work I do to them. Thus, I strive to build a devotional relationship that will sustain me during the times of difficulty that come. 

It is this relationship that I find comfort in when nothing else can sooth my troubled heart. For, in putting daily effort into devotional activity, I open up a channel whereby the Divine may return the contact. I am honestly confused by how others can subsist on limited weekly contact. I look at that type of life and I am confused. To live with such a meager amount of conscious exchange with the Divine seems to me torment.

The Divine is all about me. Everything I encounter and experience is an aspect of it. Even that which most others would term as 'evil' is a piece of the Divine. All things flow from this source and remain part of it. To shut my eyes to this is foolish, for even in the darkness behind my lids, the Divine is still present. Thus, I do my best to deeply engage in worship, so that I may be better attuned to the flow of the will of the Divine. In such attunement, I have found nothing less then pure ecstasy and a peace that I can not express in words.