8/17/14

Rambling update and such.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 22 Days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Partly Cloudy, seasonably mild
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The last few weeks have been rather rough on me. I've been struggling with my bipolar, namely with the depressive aspect of it, for a while now. It has sapped so much of the strength out of me that it makes engaging in ritual of any sort difficult. I also have the challenge of having two little boys running wild all over the place. School starts in a little over two weeks. I am anticipating holding a small blót for the blessing of my children as they embark on a new school year.

I have been having a hard time finding time to do more then write in my prayer journal. Even that has been difficult to do. I feel as though I'm failing to meet my obligation to the gods by not engaging in active worship practices every day. I, however, have gotten the distinct impression from the gods that the one putting the onus on my shoulders is myself, not them. If anything, they have been admonishing me to be more understanding with myself and focus on doing what I can within my limitations, rather then forcing myself to do as I would if I was perfectly fine.

I have been doing regular trance journeys to just be with Freyr for a little while now. Usually, the trance journey has me meeting him in a field at the edge of a forest. We walk in the forest and I tell him about my day and what I have on my mind. He seems to be pleased with this effort. I still worry that I am engaging in fantasizing and dealing with sock puppets of my mind. Freyr's response to this concern has ranged from bemusement to mild exasperation to pity. Of the three responses, it is the pity one that upsets me.

It deeply troubles me to think that anyone, especially a deity, pities me. I have been raised to see pity as something for the weak and wretched. I try to put that life lesson to the side but it has been very challenging to do so. Freyr seems to be of the mind that I should learn to accept that pity is not a bad thing, nor is mercy, when it is directed at me.

At Loki's behest, I did a trance journey to visit Odin. It was awkward. Mostly, I was the one having difficulty. Odin seemed very confused with my tendency to be so harsh with myself and yet so compassionate with others. He also seemed disappointed with the fact that this is my 'default' way to treat myself. Odin has given me some work to do and sternly demanded that I continue to give full effort on my psychotherapy and related work. 
 
Among the things that Odin has directed me to do is learn more about runes, bindrunes, and galdr. He is of the opinion that I am not fully utilizing my gifts and that I will make a great deal more progress in pretty much all areas if I focus on these things. I find it interesting that Odin has given me the directive to learn about bindrunes and Loki has nudged (if you count shoving with both hands and full force a nudge) me to resume work on sigils. I have a little notebook where I have a few things about sigils written in it. I suppose it is time for me to break that out and work on it again.

With the increasingly powerful presence of the Norse gods (mainly the Vanir and the Aesir), I am finding myself discontented with my altar. The statuettes that I used to represent the Wiccan God and Goddess (a figure of Buddha and Kwan Yin) feel completely disconnected from what I am working with now. The Kwan Yin figure sort of works for my dealings with Dea in the aspect of the Daughter but I have a statuette that resonates more strongly with that front. I want to acquire figurines or something else that can serve as a meditative focus and icon for the Norse gods but everything that I look at is terribly expensive.

I am half tempted to use some salt clay and make some figurines but I know that my skills in figure making are severely lacking. I can do the equivalent of stick figures in clay. I've tried asking the gods what I should do and they merely smile at my desire to have depictions of them and give no direction. It is somewhat upsetting for me because I am at a complete loss for how to proceed. I see figures that I like on the crafting group I'm apart of but I'm afraid to attempt to barter with the creators because they are making things that would be worth several hundreds of dollars and my little things are no where near that.

I don't know what I am going to do on that front. Loki admonishes me to be patient and that what I need will come to me. I've a prayer card for Mani. It is breathtaking and looks exactly like how he did when he appeared to me when I was a child and struggling with nightmares. I have it sitting on my altar beside a little travel shrine I made for Freyr and a glass jar with an ear of wheat in it. I am going to do my best to let the items come to me in their own time. Either the funds to acquire the figurines will come to me or something that I can use for a devotional focus will find its way to me. 
 
I'm trying not to be impatient. But I don't know what to do with the other statuettes. I have a green jade statuette of Buddha that I don't know what to do with it either. I am confident that it needs to go to a good home, I just don't know who or where it is to go.

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