Roses for Ingvi

Waning Buck Moon (Age 28 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Hot, humid
Still in Drought status

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I wanted to do something special for Freyr. Today is Lammas, Chelanya, and Freyfaxi. I have dear friends who are holding rites to celebrate today. I didn't have the luxury of time for something extravagant. I found myself out running around getting things ready for the start of school in about a month and taking care of the stuff for summer school that is going on now. Not to mention the pile of stuff I needed to do for just housework and such (not finished by even half, to be honest). That, however, is not a bad thing.

This, the first of the harvest celebrations of the season, is for me a holy day of work. Thus, I spent my day at work and mindful of the blessings that I am currently reaping. I found it fitting that the field that I regularly pass on the way to drop Beloved off at work before I bring the boys to summer school was harvested today. Every day I passed it, I thought of Ingvi. Even as I worried about our drought and how the harvest was going to fare.

I bought him a bouquet of roses. They're yellow. In the Victorian practice of floriography, they mean friendship, joy, and jealousy. Generally, if the flowers are given inverted with the left hand, the negative meaning is the one conveyed. (I did not do so with these.) Also, a full bouquet is an expression of gratitude. I not only happily gave him the full bouquet as an expression of affection and joy in him. I also spent some time at work with my plants in his honor. 

This is something that has become a bit of a bonding time for the two of us during the course of an average week. I don't get nearly as much writing as I wanted to do done. But every week, I have to spend about an hour (actually longer in the outdoor growing season) tending plants. That makes for an hour that I spend exclusively focused upon him. Some people argue that I may be overgeneralizing the concept of Ingvi as the 'Greenman' of Wicca, but their gnosis is different from mine, which is different from someone else's.

Equinox, Super Moon, and a Solar Eclipse walk into a bar...

New Egg Moon (Age: 0 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cold, partly cloudy,

light breezes and snow flurries

Snow Pack: 1 in, approx.

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Magically, I can feel the tides are pretty high right now. There's a lot going on celestially with the equinox, super moon, and solar eclipse happening today. I haven't been doing any magic today because I have been busy with the kids being home from school. Also, I have had the distinct feeling that I should refrain from it until after Hiatus is over. I did notice, however, that at the time of the solar eclipse, I did briefly awaken from sleep (as it was 3 am here and all was dark). I don't think, however, that was of much significance because my reason for awakening was due to my husband's snoring. (As my psych issues have improved, I have found that I sleep a bit lighter but get more rest. I don't claim to understand it.)

I was going to observe a partial fast today and made it to the middle of the day. Then I grabbed something quick from the store on my way to a parent-teacher conference and my abstaining from sugar got shot by the bottle of cola I had. I did manage to refrain from meat until dinner, so I suppose that counts as a success. I wanted to at least keep myself in some sense restrained in my observance of Hiatus and I didn't do quite as well as I had wanted. Life got in the way as it had through out the whole of Moura.

Last night, as I was falling asleep and communing with Freyr, I talked about my frustrations with keeping such things. He was bemused and told me that he was my dispensation from austerity. I was a bit flustered by this. It seems that Freyr is becoming more of a primary figure in my spiritual experiences. This is not too much of a surprise because of the relationship I am in with him. At the same time, I thought that things with Dea were going to stay very focused and front and center. When asking Freyr about this, he smiled and told me that she was still there and interested in me. My vow to her still binds me and Freyr will not contraindicate it. But he also told me that I was focusing too much on the 'form' of worship rather then the 'heart' of it.

Again, he was bemused with me as he said it. Called me his 'overly serious scholar' and told me that I am in no way to become something like an anchorite. It threw me for a bit of a loop until I realized that my tendency to cloister myself away from the world was less a spiritual act and more of an outgrowth of my social phobia. He was quick to tell me that solitude is part of my path but I needed to be in the world more. I was also told that I needed to reacquire my sense of humor or Loki was going to 'help' with that. 

I'll be honest, the little bit of playful 'malice' with Freyr's comment flustered me more and made me more apprehensive then the prospect of Loki helping me find humor. Loki's been laughing at this all day. Generally going with comments along the lines of "You're getting what you asked for. It's adorable to watch you flail. He should do this more often." and "Bit off more then you could chew, I guess you'll need to swallow." The latter was accompanied by some explicit gestures. Which rather made me flustered again and Flame Hair laughed again. I don't know why, but I forget that Loki's sense of humor does include a fair amount of lewdness. When he displays it (he was suggesting I use the phrase 'whips it out', for example), I tend to get mildly embarrassed and flustered. He jokes that I am a prude because of this and makes a point of making such comments at times where it gets a particularly strong response.

I wound up through a confluence of incidents going out to do stuff out of the house in public with out my head covered but my hair bound (in a very loose fashion by a ponytail). It felt somewhat odd. I have the feeling that my taboo is relaxing somewhat as my hair lengthens, though I am still encouraged to do so and have my hair bound up in some fashion when I go out of the house. The silence from Dea has me unsure if this is the case or my misinterpreting things.

At the time of the equinox, the boys and I were actively cleaning the house. I think this sets a tone for what the season will be like. We were working relatively well together and I wasn't overly stressed out by it. I hope this means that the season will exhibit more of this. I haven't done divination yet for the season and the upcoming liturgical year. I'm going to do that tomorrow at the beginning of the liturgical year.

I stopped running in circles.

Waxing Hunter's moon (Age 6 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Fair skies, exceptionally warm

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I suppose I should make this kinda official. It's going to make some changes going forward, I'm more then certain of that. At the Equinox, I said yes to Freyr. I honestly don't know what to expect going forward. He tells me that this is a good thing because I won't have preconceived notions getting in my way. I am a touch anxious about all this. He and Loki have deemed this to be adorable, with Freyja at one point chiming in that adorable really wasn't strong enough.

I suppose it is a good sign when Freyr's sister says this is a good thing. Sigyn and Loki decided to sit me down at the kitchen table to have a very frank discussion about marriage with deities. And yes, that even included a rendition of the birds and bees. I was stammering for a good portion of my part of the conversation and looked about the color of a tomato for most of it. Still, I am going to go forward with this.

As unconventional as it might sound, I have come to love him. It's not the starry eyed infatuation kind of love. It's more like realizing that you've been in love with your best friend since 4th grade kind of thing. (Yes, that was Beloved and I, and everyone did say 'it took you long enough.') I've been feeling terribly unprepared for all of this. 

Freyr has been bubbling with delight over it all. It gives me warm fuzzies to be the reason why he has that huge grin plastered on his face. He looks so lovely when he smiles. It's been a lot of meditation, prayer, and divination for the past year (approximately). In the course of it all, Freyr keeps making clear that he wants me to be his bride. It's all a very awkward thing for me to say. 

But, that's the big news from my neck of the woods. He's been telling me that he's been planning the rites for the last year. I honestly don't know what to expect from that. Odin's been making his presence known more over the last few weeks. He was more then delighted with my accepting Freyr's proposal.

The All-Father seems to be of the mind that this will lead me farther along the path of who I am supposed to be. Some days, I wonder if he and Loki sit there and play matchmaker. One of those things where it's not the womenfolk who are nudging people towards each other but the menfolk, with all the same glee. But, what do I know, I'm not a god.

Joyous Mabon!

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Cool, cloudy with light breezes

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Today is the Autumnal Equinox. I wish I could report that I celebrated Mabon with great festivities but it was just an ordinary Monday at my house. The only special things I did was collect a bouquet of flowers and bake a loaf of bread. I have been finding that the turning of the seasons has brought a good deal of a shedding of dead weight from my life.

Acting upon the deep urges to prepare for the coming Winter, I have been taking stock of my pantry and working on restocking it with supplies for hard weather. My urges to preserve food have been culinary failures recently. I'm not going to give up, however, because I am convinced that I can get at least one batch of sauerkraut going before the weather turns rough. I have also been busily at work making gifts for Yule. 

I think I'm about half finished with the list of things I have yet to make. I also have gotten back to work on my spinning. I went to the Finger Lakes Fiber Festival yesterday. While I was there, I bought a French spindle and some Icelandic sheep's wool. Like the last batch of Icelandic sheep's wool, I'm going to spin it up to make something for Freyr. 

Speaking of the god, he has been much on my mind of late. Partly because I see the waning of the greenery about me and I feel his absence like an ache. Partly because he has been walking through my dreams quite a bit. When I gave him the first slice of bread that I cut off the loaf I made, I could feel him with me. I sensed he was amused by the scraggly bouquet and appreciative of the bread. I didn't have much time to commune with him at that moment because the house was very busy with two little boys causing mischief.

It is a strange thing for Freyr to be both absent and present at the same time. If I try to figure it out, it gives me a bit of a headache. I just have to accept it as a Mystery. I've also been having dreams of Odin. The one I had last night leaves me a touch chagrined, as the All-Father sternly told me to stop pussy-footing about what Freyr is asking of me. I think it is not mere coincidence that the clasp of the necklace with the Stag on it suddenly started causing an allergic reaction (which it never did before) and I went back to the necklace with the Greenman charm. Freyr seems to prefer it on me. I got it into my head that I should switch to the Stag when the season began to turn. 

Looking back on it, I suppose it was a measure of indulgence that Freyr didn't have the cord snap or the silver rings that I had been wearing for him fall off before now. I think that my time of being headstrong has come to a close and I need to just take the plunge. When I last dreamed of Freyr, he asked me what I was so afraid of. I confessed that I was afraid of rejection and he laughed at that. (He has a beautiful laugh. It was awkward to be both thrilled to be the cause of it and embarrassed at the same time.) I was then told to tell him what I really was afraid of. 

So, I told him that I was also afraid that all of this was wish fulfillment or my losing my mind. Again, he chuckled. Then he told me that this was closer to the mark. He asked me a third time and I answered, in frustration, that I was afraid I was going to screw up. He didn't laugh at me that time. Instead, his expression turned solemn and he told me that I was being afraid of illusions. He asked me if I was tired of running from them. I didn't exactly have words to respond but somehow he knew the answer to that question was yes. Apparently my fear of not being up to the task, losing my mind, and rejection in this case are all masks of something else. 

Looking on it all now (with Loki tapping his foot and glaring at me) I suppose I have to admit, I'm afraid of this change. I have no idea what this change will bring me and that scares me. It's been about a year now since I've stopped running from Freyr long enough to just be with him. He's all gentleness and kindness. Except when he's not. But even when he's not handling me with kid gloves, he is still loving and keeping me in high regard. This terrifies me almost as much as the actuality of my impact upon my children does.

I told Freyr that I would pledge myself to him on a temporary basis back at the Vernal Equinox. He gently prodded me on the matter at the Summer Solstice. Now, I guess I have to make my decision. Loki assures me that Freyr is not playing a game here, unless it's for 'keeps'. Odin and Loki both are of the opinion that Freyr is good for me. Dea has been quiet, giving me her sphinx smile when I ask her what to do. I want to step forward into his arms, but I get frozen with fear.

I suppose it is a good thing that he's patient, though that patience is waning. I get the very clear impression, regardless of what I do, he will still be here. Loki is strongly urging me not to 'friendzone' Freyr. Stargazer's whispered to me from the other side that I really need to remember what I learned with her. In all of this, I feel like a world class idiot. I swing back and forth between feeling like an idiot for daring to think that perhaps this really is happening and feeling like an idiot for not having faith. The only constant is that I feel like an idiot. It's a rather rotten place to be, honestly.

I think that I'm upon a turning point. What ever choice I make, there is no going back. That scares me too. I suppose it is a good thing that I have the ability to knuckle down and push forward despite fear.

Devotional vs theraputic writing? (and other rambling)

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 2 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: humid, partly cloudy,

intermittent t-storms

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So, I have been praying to Freyr a lot over the last several weeks. Every night for about a month now, maybe a little longer, before I go to sleep, I spiritwalk to him. Usually, it's just my being in his company. Sometimes, though, we talk. I've expressed to him several times the fact that I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. His responses have ranged from bemusement to something stern. When he is bemused, he ruffles my hair and comments on my being an 'over-achiever'. It's not exactly a fatherly response but I don't know how else to describe it. When he has been stern, he firmly reminds me to respect my limitations and be more reasonable with my expectations of myself.

As my moods have cycled, I find myself struggling with the writing he wants me to do. At first, I thought it was something like erotic writing that he wanted from me. That was what I was working on the first time he mentioned that he wanted me to write for him. I have been struggling to write that kind of stuff for a little while now, however. Then he said that he didn't care what I wrote so long as I did it for him. So, I decided to apply my last Camp NaNoWriMo effort to be in his honor. Due to a combination of factors, I discovered that I couldn't put in the time I wanted to on that project and I wasn't able to finish it by the end of that session. I was feeling somewhat dejected about it when he told me that it didn't matter what I wrote.

So, I started a prayer journal. Then life got busy and I made the mistake of putting it in a safe place. I didn't find it until about a month and a half later. In the meantime, I was engaged in the grueling task of doing my therapy journaling. I had days where I really just didn't want to look at the bloody book. I made myself do it. On the days where it was particularly hard for me to do, I dedicated my efforts to Freyr (who has been quietly encouraging me to push forward on all stuff focused on improving my health). As a result, however, it turned out that most of the writing that I have been doing and dedicating to Freyr has been focused on resolving past psychological trauma or managing my disability. 

I was talking with another Lokiswoman last week. I mentioned that I felt poorly that my written offerings had comprised mostly of my engaging in what a friend of mine coined as 'trauma-vomit'. My friend pointed out that the fact that I was working to improve myself and the fact that what I was doing required considerable effort made it valuable, more so then any unpleasantness might of detracted from it. I've been mulling that over for the last week. I can not say that the writing I have been doing in Freyr's honor has been easy. It has actually been really hard to do.

She pointed out that if Freyr wants to be intimately involved in my life, he wants to see all parts of it. She then reminded me that it really wasn't fair of me to try to just share the 'good' things. I felt a touch ashamed when she mentioned that. I was still reeling from this when I unearthed my prayer journal in the midst of cleaning the kitchen. (I swear, I have lost and found more things in my kitchen then anywhere else. It's like it has a bag of holding somewhere that randomly eats and disgorges things.) This morning, I sat down with my prayer journal and wrote up an entry, where I mentioned this concern that the trauma writing wasn't a fitting offering.

I was then gently, but firmly, redirected to consider the virtue of 'small things'. The abrupt sea change in topic kinda took me by surprise. As I re-read what I wrote, I discovered that there was an underlying theme beneath it. Part of it was that I was struggling with psychological stuff, again. Part of it was that every act of devotion that I take is valued, no matter how I feel about it. I think that it was quite possible that Freyr took over the pen for a few moments because there were things written down there that I didn't recall writing.

It's hard for me to keep in mind that devotional activities don't require special tools, rituals, or mood. It's rather ironic, actually, that I am struggling with this stuff after my most recent post on my other religion blog. It's hard for me because I really want to give the best of what I have and what I can do to the gods. And with how much Freyr has been showing ... attention and affection towards me, I feel like I need to do twice as well and twice as much because the stakes are higher.

I'm realizing, however, that what is driving me to push myself so hard is fear. I am beginning to accept that Freyr loves me. I don't understand it. This is different from how Loki loves me. It is more like how my husband loves me. And I am afraid that if I don't always put forth a positive and happy face, that Freyr will decide that I'm not worth loving. I feel ashamed of that fear. It speaks of distrust in Freyr. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. I don't want to be afraid of him or this... this awkward feeling that I have for him.

I dare say that I am coming to possibly love him too. It frightens me and I often question my sanity. The hardest part about all of this is that there is no physical person to sit down and talk this stuff out with. Some days I wish that I could sit down with someone who would horse Freyr for ten or fifteen minutes, so that I can get reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Of course, when ever I express my fear that I am going crazy, Loki just laughs and says cheerfully 'yer already there, kid.' I get torn between exasperation with that statement and a measure of depression. (I confess, I have flipped Loki the bird a few times when he's said that. He's either laughed at me or made a rude gesture back when I've done it. It's a gesture of affection between us. As blasphemous it might be.)

I've been reading about what other people have to say about UPG and discernment. It's reassuring to hear/read that I am on the right track. It is comforting find others having had similar experiences. And when I have gotten psychic readings from people who weren't intimately involved with the situation, I have gotten 'hits' on things that have been getting told to me by the gods. There is a mounting pile of evidence that this whole thing between Freyr and I is genuinely real, not just wish fulfillment. 

So, why do I get so anxious about it? I think it's tied to my psychological challenges. I have days where I get anxious that Beloved will get fed up with me and my issues. I have days where I feel like I can only show positive and happy things to the people who are closest to me, or they'll abandon me. (It's a particularly awful feeling when it hits with respect to the kids.) I've been struggling a lot with my psychiatric stuff. Coming to the realization that I am disabled has been really hard to bear. I wish I could say that I am moving serenely through this with peace, love, and compassion towards myself and the universe. 

The reality is, it has been ugly, hard, and exhausting. Part of the reason why I haven't been posting on here is because I get depressed and I all but give up on my writing. I also have times where I just feel sick to death with being sick. For a long while, my escape was into writing fiction. I am finding, however, that is not working for me. It seems like the only thing I can do is write stuff that some how comes back to my disability. (This post is a great example.) I also tried to escape into spiritual stuff. That escape has completely backfired. The deeper I go into my spiritual side of life, the more I find myself working on my psychiatric challenges. I think the gods are behind that. (I'm looking at you, Loki and Odin.)

I am struggling. I want to say that I am hopeful that I will come out of this experience healed and healthy. I don't know if I will be 'healed' from my disability. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel so disgusted and horrified by what I see. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not be fearful of nightmares. (The spiritwalking to be with Freyr has helped with that quite a bit. I think it's why he tolerates it so much.) I know that the way I am when I am hypomanic is not healthy. At the same time, I can't help but want to feel that optimisim and sense of boundless joy more in my life. I spend more time depressed and anxious then anything else. And, I'm sick of feeling that way.

I'm not sure what more to add right now. That's basically what's up in my neck of the woods (aside from the chaos of the kids being on summer break and us having money problems). I didn't really do anything special for Litha/Midsummer/Rosea Mundi. I spend the day enjoying my time with my family and then the evening enjoying my time with my friends. I've been burning a special rose scented candle for the gods. Loki's been more amused with the floral scented candle then annoyed with the lack of pie scented stuff. Now that the Tiger Lilies are blooming, I'll have fresh flowers for my altar and my outdoor shrine to Dea soon. I am going to take some time over the next week to clean up my altar space and make it look more 'pretty'. 

I've been looking at the pictures of other people's altars. It's like Pinterest and the pagan blogs had a baby and the result is what I have been seeing on Facebook of late. I don't know if I'll be taking a picture of it or not. I need to change some things with it, however, because it doesn't accurately reflect what I am doing now. I have commissioned a statue of Freyr from a friend of mine. (I'm paying her in handspun yarn, which she may nor may not expect. If she is reading this, I've just outed myself on this intent. LOL)

I'd like to have a statue of Loki for the altar but I can't afford to buy the ones that I've seen. I have been seriously thinking about finding a masculine Jester figure. If I could, I'd find one that looked a bit ... ominous. Because even when Loki is joking, there's that rumble of darkness behind it. Oddly enough, I find it comforting that Loki has that to him. It's like the Happy Fun Ball or something. Though, I would be the person to taunt the Happy Fun Ball and poke it with a stick. I also want something for Odin, though I'm still taking proverbial baby steps on that front.

Imboleg 2010: preparation

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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I think this year I am going to actually hold a small ritual for Imboleg and invite some folks from the coven that Rose was head of. I also think I am going to invite my sister-in-law and my aunt. I know it is this weekend, but I also know that the ritual does not need to be precisely on that day. I'm actually leaning towards the prospect of combining the ritual with a full moon observance. Saving the private observance of Imboleg for myself at home.

This year is going to be a year of changes. I can feel it coming. I think that we all need to get ready for the coming year and that the changes are going to be big enough that we need to sweep away the remnants of the past year. I am going to be a bit of a sassy thing and bring a little bit of the paganism with me to the game I'm attending this upcoming weekend. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it really wouldn't be fair to everyone. So, I believe I'll just let it remain separate.

For the ritual, if I can manage it, I want to do a candle blessing and purification ritual. I don't know if this thaw is going to hold. If it does, however, I believe that I want to take the opportunity to burn slips of paper with the things we're purifying ourselves of. I also believe that I want to burn slips of paper with prayers for the new coming spring. I'm fairly sure that it will be a straight forward and simple thing. Some of the best magic, however, is the simplest.

Because Imboleg is deep winter's end, I want to reflect this. The last of my winter altar images are going to get put away. I believe that the altar 'furniture' is going to be rearranged somewhat as well, with a new altar cloth laid down. I think I'm going to replace the rose quartz sphere with the marble egg. I also believe that I'm going to replace the raw rose quartz piece sitting there with a clear quartz point. The stalks of wheat that are in the vase sitting on the altar in a position of honor are going to be replaced with a small pot of soil. I'm not fully decided on this. I may just let it stay until it...

Actually, I just figured out what I should do. I should take one of my small bowls that I use for offerings and put seeds in it. I'm going to need to think about what kind of seeds, but it'll make sense soon enough. The colors pink are frequently associated with this Sabbat because it's so close to Valentine's day. I don't know if I want to do that, though. I'm thinking something closer to a spring green. And I'm also thinking that it'd be more fitting to have a small pot of flowers rather then the seeds on the altar.

I don't know what'll be best. I suppose I am rambling, but I do know that enough time has passed that we really should do something. Rose would be heartbroken to see how the circle has fallen apart with out her.

Thoughts on Samhain

Moon: Waxing Snow Moon
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Mild, changeable and cloudy, seasonably cool
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Samhain has come and gone. We just completed several days of unseasonably warm weather with temperatures ranging up into the lower 70s. My birthday was yesterday and I am now 30. Somehow, over the course of the last several days, I have also found myself facing some exceptionally difficult and painful things. It has not been easy.

I question if the matters of the heart which I have been struggling with are a rite of passage in their own respect. I've had dreams of the Horned One comforting me. I've also had a dream of myself. In it, I was an old woman with a small child on my knee. The little girl looked up at me and said, "Gran-ma-ma, what did you do when your Momma didn't love you?" In the dream, I answered, "I loved her anyways. And she loved be but she wasn't good at it."

It is something that brings my mind back to love and the Lady. I may be odd, but I've come to understand that the Lady's precepts and law is very simple and it is "Love." I think I finally understand that love does not mean blindness or submitting to abuse. As heartbreaking as it is to be hurt by another in their blindness, it is far worse to submit to such treatment needlessly.

In my mind, calling abuse love is among the worst forms of blasphemy that can be expressed. Now, I'm not generally one to throw about the word blasphemy or anything else like that given the religion I practice is not one that cleaves closely to the words of some elder, strict dogma, or any other element of organized religion, where that term is used fairly regularly. I suppose when you look at this it may not be technically blasphemy, but it's quite close. Perhaps anathema is correct instead.

Quibbling over terms aside, the Lady does not want us to be fools. Yes, we're called to love unconditionally, as that is what pure love is. Unconditional love, however, does not make us a slave to the one we love. Unconditional love does not excuse abuse or condone it.

Early Springtide Thoughts

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous Storm Moon
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Cloudy, light precipitation & moderate breeze
(unseasonably warm, frontal edge due to pass thru soon)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon, it will be the full moon. We have reached the very beginning of the spring season with Imboleg just behind us. Imboleg (also spelled Imbolc) is a holy day in the Wiccan calendar and in several other Pagan belief systems. It comes from the pagan Irish Celts. This was the time of year when they held religious observances in honor of the beginning of the lactation of the herds. This was the first sign of the coming spring and the soon to be birthed livestock. This was also a fire festival.

Herds were driven between a pair of roaring bonfires for the sake of helping to stave off illness. Fleas and other small pests were drawn to the heat and light of the fire, jumping off of their hosts and killed in the flames. This and several other rituals that we have fragmented records of are grounded in such simple roots. The additional sacred meanings were added later.

During this time of year, we find ourselves faced with the bane of the season: boredom. As during the month of February, and in the early part of March, the harshest and coldest times of the year will fall, we are often cooped up indoors for longer then we'd like. We start to suffer from cabin fever and get quite restless. Some of us can afford that trip to some place sunny and warm for that week when school is out. Some of us have the means to get out of the house and go to the mall or off to someplace entertaining (the zoo, museums, or even the movies). There are also those of us who can not do these things.

This is where that infamous thing called Spring Cleaning is actually your friend. While you can not go full bore into it and air out the house, it doesn't mean you can't start. Take some time to sort your linens. Throw away the items too worn out to make rags and the ones that are in good condition (but you still don't want) give away to a local charity. Then, go out and purchase two (or more, if needed) sets of linens that you absolutely love. Get one set that is nice and warm (I find flannel to be just lovely) and one that's going to be wonderful for the summer.

Sort out your clothes and get rid of the things that you will never wear again. That which is too useless for even rags can still have a use if you do handcrafts. If you don't, or if your fabric box is so large that it really should be paying it's way in rent, get rid of it. That which doesn't fit you properly (and you can afford it) get rid of it and go buy some comfortable clothes. Sure, we all have the goal of losing those 10 to 20 (or more) pounds by summer, but we shouldn't have to feel guilty when we get dressed in the morning. The clothes that you love and are getting worn out, take a bit of thread and a needle, mend it up. Some of your rags can make very interesting patches if cut nicely and you can also change the look of your clothes with a few well placed stitches and appliqué.

One of the things I have found that we all crave this time of year is the interaction with something green. Houseplants are wonderful for this. If you don't own any, you should consider investing in some. And yes, I mean investing. You don't need to go buy anything expensive, but take your time to determine what you need and what will be well suited to your indoor environment. Houseplants serve alot of good, even if no one really talks about it. We can always talk to our plants, and they'll flourish just from the attention. It really doesn't matter if we're telling them how beautiful they are or if they're just listening mutely to our sob stories about daily life.

Houseplant also clean the air in your home, which is going to be good for your health. And, let's not forget, that little bit of moisture that they require will also add to the humidity of your home as well. This time of year, the air is so dry that I know that I have problems with my hands getting painful with dry skin. I'm sure you do as well. If you have the space, you can put some newspaper down on the floor and repot your houseplants. Obviously, look up just what these beauties need to flourish. You want to do it right, so make sure that you're armed with all the information you need. But, the smell of wet earth and the feel of the loam beneath your hands will do wonders for cabin fever as well. Do it once a year and you'll find that your plants benefit as much as you do.


Doing these simple and practical things can help bring springtide into your life even when the crocuses haven't quite peeked up yet from the snow.

Secular New Year vs. Samhain, Witch's New Year

Oak Moon
Waning (age: 20 days), in Virgo
Weather: mild, low clouds, expecting some rain or snow

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For many witches, Samhain (Oct. 31, also known as Holloween here in the US) is the beginning of the new sacred year. Much like the Jewish Rosh Hashanah, Samhain is a time for one to focus upon the past year and introspection, as well as making plans for the new year. While in the Jewish tradition, work is prohibited and attendance at temple, with contemplation of the liturgical texts appropriate to the holy day is required, it is a bit different in witchcraft.

Yes, many witches hold circles and will engage in boisterous celebrations. Some will hold somber rememberances for the dead and others will engage in the merriment that overtakes the rest of the community in a glut of candy, chocolate, and hijinks, Samhain can have many different ways it is celebrated. Within my tradition, Samhain is both a time for merriment and a time for preparation.

A long, long time ago, Samhain was approximately during the time of the last major harvest of the year and the culling of the herds. This time was a time of mixed emotions because the approaching winter brought great apprehension even as there was joy that the labors of the year were nearly over. This time of mixed emotions does persist into the modern era, though it doesn't fall on Samhain as frequently now.

Now, the date of Dec. 31st is the one where we culturally have our time of merriment and apprehension. We bid the old year good bye, celebrate the coming year, and find ourselves plagued by the uncertianty of the coming year, in addition to being troubled by lingering fears of the past year.

Here, on the verge of the secular New Year, I realize that Samhain has come to me late this year. It fell on the secular New Year, rather then the Witch's New Year. I find myself relieved that the burdens of the past 12 months are finally passing, but I am also concerned for the burdens that will persist as well. I am filled with deep and speechless joy, gratitude, and wonder for all of the special and truly amazing things that has happened this year, such as the birth of my son. I feel hope for the coming year and also anxiety.

In this, I realize that I must bid the year good bye in a way that banishes the past fears and plans for the coming year. At Samhain and at the secular New Year, many people light bonfires. These fires are lit generally for the pure pyromaniac joy of watching something burn. Oh sure, many people talk about how these fires are symbolically bringing in the warmth of the summer or some such rot like that. But let's be honest, 99% of the people who light fires on New Years and Samhain are doing so because the fire looks cool. Not saying that symbolisim is bad, but there is such a thing as reading far too much into something.

That rant aside, I believe that I'm going to do some variation (obviously much smaller) of a bonfire. It may only be a candle, but this flame will be used to symbolically consume the old year's dross. I think I may also do a little ritual to reinforce my goals of the next year in addition to this, I haven't decided yet. But I recognize that I need to do this, which brings me back to what I wanted to say earlier but I think I did a terrible job of doing.

It is important to take at least one day out of the year for us to recognize where we have been and where we'd like to go. This is what the holy day of Samhain is for in my tradition and the way that I try to view the secular New Year as well.

A Yule Meditation

Oak Moon
Phase: Waxing Crescent (in the sign Pisces, 8 days old)
Weather: Seasonably cold, high thin clouds and occasional lake effect flurries
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This is reposted from another blog of mine, it was originally posted yesterday, hence the above notation reflects this.
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Soon, it will be Yule. Some people think of this season as a depressing time of year and others think of it as a joyous one because of all the boisterous holiday celebrations that surround us. Having been raised on a farm, I found that the winter was a time of rest and preparation. We took time to make plans for the spring planting and to relax with family.

The rush and effort of the harvest behind us, we had some time to enjoy the fruits of our labors and to engage in more indoor persuits. My father spent a good amount of the time, when I was a girl, doing things like making models with my brothers and I. He worked at the food processing factory across the county, but when he was needed on the farm his work day didn't end until late at night. In the winter, however, he didn't need to trouble himself with worry if a tractor needed some repairs or if the hay baler needed more wire.

Then, we spent time doing things like stargazing in the icy cold nights and having snowball fights on saturday afternoons. Intermixed with the happy memories of my early childhood, I have more sorrowful ones. Such as the last christmas with my great-grandmother Hazel, whom I adored, and how she didn't recognize me. Or the winter that I was repeatedly abused by a boyfriend I had in highschool, to the extent where I found myself in fear for my life on a semi-regular basis.

Here, as I find myself on the threshold of midwinter, I can not help but feel thankful for all of those experiences that have lead up to where I am today. Some will burn in my memory as bright flames of joy, like the rush of excitement I felt when I saw Halley's Comet thru my grandfather's old telescope one December night many years ago, and others will be pangs of sorrow, like the memory of that batch of butterscotch great-grandma Hazel and I shared after my 3rd grade christmas concert.

Winter is a time for us to slow down, to turn inward and take stock of where we are and where we'd like to be. Just as we may plan out the flowerbeds or the vegetable patch for next spring's planting, we can plan out where we want to be come next winter. And in all of it, remember, it is good. We've all worked hard to be where we are, even if it didn't feel like it. And we are all wonderful people, so that work has borne good fruit.

Preparation for Yule

Snow Moon
- Phase: Waning
- Position: Virgo

Weather: cold, cloudy, freezing rain immanent;
currently winter-storm warnings in effect

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Today is the first day of the Christian season of Advent. They prepare themselves for the Second Coming of Christ and the celebration of His Nativity, Christmas.

Today is also a part of the wildly insane holiday shopping season. A gross orgy of consumerism and surfeit that makes the sweet tooth of the secular celebration of Holloween look ascetic. To say that I am repulsed by the secular celebrations of the season is to be committing a great understatement. I loathe and abhor the vast majority of the secular celebrations of this time of year and of several other holidays. It is not because it is a subtle programme of state sponsored conversion taictics (as some of the neophytes around would have you think) or because it is some deeply buried secret wish that people would celebrate the birth of Jesus (as some of my detractors may try to convince you).

No, my repulsion of the holiday season (because let's be honest, they don't call it the holiday shopping season, do they?), is because it encourages people to denegrate others for the sake of their immediate gain. Objectification is the problem, to be precise. I have an infant son whom I do not want to believe that there is any time of year that it is permissible to reduce other people to mere objects, playthings that should accord themselves to his whims. The message of this season, unfortunately, is just that.

"Oh, you're being a Scrooge!" some may cry, but I ask if I truly am? Let's take a step back and look at what we are inundated with starting as early as midsummer. (Yes, you did read that right, Midsummer! Some of the stores in my area were in the process of setting up their Christmas displays in July.) Many, many messages are imparted that if we are to show our affection it must be done with things. Our degree of affection shown is gaged by the expense, trendiness, and generally approved societal value of the object.

Men are exhorted to give their wives and female signifigant others exorbitantly expensive jewelry from the "right" stores. Women are chided to give the men in their lives insanely expensive televisions, new tools, and similar gender "appropriate" gifts. Parents and all adults are functionally ordered to purchase for their children every and any toy on the market for their age group and the latest cell phone/gadget produced this month. People are told to remodel their homes, refurnish the living room in the latest styles, and generally remake themselves into the season's latest image. All for the sake of showing affection in the correct way and to present the correct face to society for the holiday season.

Now, some may ask where the problem lies in all of this. We can all refuse to engage in these ludicrous acts of wanton financial suicide. We, however, are told subtly that we're not good enough if we don't enter into these foolish acts. We are told that we are not valued if the people around us don't engage in this ritualized stupidity. And children are repeatedly told that they are of lower status and value if they are not catered to and given all they desire. Why are we told these things, because of the subtle whisper of what is not said, but implied in all of these ads.

This is what repulses me of this time of year.

So, as I prepare for Yule, I intend to steel my heart against this onslaught. And in such, be annealed and strengthened against future efforts to strip my value by the words of others.

Beltain 2006: Erotic & Sensual Life

As you have read in the lesson that I posted, there's alot more to the erotic and sensual then sex. You may wonder how this little post is going to relate to that matter. You may even wonder why I chose to put a flower on here.

I love roses. The scent of them is one of the most wonderful that I personally can think of. It always lifts my heart. They're my favorite flower. This particular picture is visually stunning, I love how the photographer composed it. It draws your eye to the center of the picture. It's visually balanced and has a dramatic quality. It is also a simple, classic portriat of a blossom. I'm not generally a fan of the more avant garde modes of art.

It's a source of sensual delight and eros. Joseph Campbell, the famed mythographer, stated that the most effective way to live an authentic life was to follow our bliss. I've yet to find a better peice of advice in my years of study. It was ironic that his little aphorisim was one of the first things that I learned on this path, not the Rede or the Law of Three.

I try to live each day following my bliss and living a genuine life. Some days I'm more successful then others, but I continue to try. That said, one last bit of bliss for you.

Robert Herrick's poem: To the Virgins

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

Ostara 2006: Seeds of Change

Ostara, the Spring Equinox, the time of the first planting of the year.

Among the meditative subjects that we have about us this time of year are:

Planting and germination of seeds
Fertility of animals
Birth of those concieved in the autumn

For the meditative subject today, I am using the planting and germination of seeds. As you will find, I draw much of my inspiration from science and the natural world around me. I tend to blame this upon the environment I was raised in. If you look at the science of seed planting and germination, you find that there are several definative stages that the plant moves through as it develops from a seed to a mature plant, like corn or a mighty oak tree.

You look at the link above and you will see that a biologist has taken apart a seed and given you an interesting look at it. You can see the beginnings of the plant in that seed. Now, you're probably asking, how does this relate to me? And how does it relate to witchcraft, the Spring Equinox or anything else?



I find alot of hope in the above image. No matter what happens, the seeds will grow and spring will come to the world. Down in Louisiana, where the hurricaines have left still a dramatic amount of devistation on the cities and towns, plants are growing and blooming. In fireblasted regions of the world, plants are growing.



No matter what happens in our lives, there are always new beginnings. We can choose to start anew. It is a great act of courage, but it is also a natural act. After all, seeds commit great acts of courage to cease being seeds and grow into the plants they are destined to be.

Blessed be.