Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.

Dreams go wut?

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 7 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid

Drought status: None

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are dreams that you just look at and accept as random brain nattering. And then there are the ones where they have a theme that just won't go away. For about two weeks now, I keep having these surreal dreams where I am flipping things over. Some of them feature me on some kind of game show where I have to flip everything over to gain some kind of prize. And then there are ones like last night where I just keep flipping things over.

It ranges from a literal table flip to flipping a car over. (The car one was probably the most surreal moment. I flipped a Buick with my finger tips on my off hand. And it was like flipping over a popsicle stick. But it was one of the old school Buicks that were basically like a boat driving down the road.) They seem to correspond to my making some major changes in how I approach health things. Is flipping things in my dreams supposed to correlate to making changes in my life? I have no idea.

All I know is that this is not going away. And it feels like there's something more behind it. Divination is just something I haven't had time for. And approaching it from a dream analysis perspective says 'Yep, I'm making huge changes in my life about how I am approaching just about everything."

Dreams and thoughts.

Waxing Grain Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Seasonable, fair/partly cloudy skies

Flash Flood Warning

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My dreams over the last few weeks have been very vivid. I don't know if this is because of my hypomania or if it is something else. I do, however, think there is something more to them than the dreams just being random brain chatter.

I have been dreaming of snakes, spiders, and other sorts of animals/creatures that shed their skin. I am getting the distinct impression that I am about to go through or currently experiencing a time of transformation and self-renewal. I also get the impression that I must change or I am going to be unwell.

I am not entirely sure what this means. I mean, I understand that I need to change but I'm not entirely sure what areas I need to make changes in. I know that I am stalled in a few areas on making changes. My knees being difficult over the last few weeks because of the extra humid weather has made it challenging to get even my morning yoga exercises. Getting in a half hour walk is a bit harder because of the kids having summer school right now, but we are making regular trips to the park (we are walking despite the fact I have the car because I want that exercise for us). The intermittent rain over the last several days has made going to the park a less than ideal thing. Lightning makes me really not want to bring an umbrella or my cane (which is metal). Not being a lightning rod is good for my health, after all.

The thing that really threw me for a loop was Grandmother Spider showing up and then transforming into Loth. (If you've played D&D you may recognize that name. Because the Queen of Spiders is far reaching and a major player in almost any subterranean campaign.) Now, I know some would be taken aback by the idea of Grandmother Spider taking a guise of a well known evil character but I would like to kindly remind you that I tend to view 'evil' characters as ones who are outside the 'standard' moral perspective and should be considered upon their own merits. But, I think the biggest thing about the transformation, aside from being something that confused the hell out of me, was that the message that I needed to transform in a very large way that incorporates my core sense of self.

Along with a message about not being 'nice' all the time. That, however, touches on something that it a little bit too personal to share right now. But, it is clear that I need to be more aggressive about how I approach things and not worry about being the 'bad guy'. It is a big change from how I have been approaching life over the last several years, which has been mores passive and based in anxiety that standing up and saying something is dangerous for me.

So, that's something that's happened. I'm still working through it. (Minor side note, I also associate spiders with Loki. I'm not entirely sure where that started, only that they seem to walk on air and do their own thing. I have other reasons but my brain is not slowing down enough to let me get them out. (It's been making writing anything difficult because I'm playing catch up with myself.)

That moment when...

Waxing Gibbous Thunder Moon (Age: 14 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: humid, seasonable temps

Drought status: n/a

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last few weeks have been rough. As I find myself on more even footing, I am sitting here looking around at a loss for where to begin picking up all the threads left laying about when I was in the worst of the last depressive episode. It was daunting and, honestly, disheartening. Last night, I was feeling poorly about myself and frustrated with ALL THE THINGS.

As I was laying there glaring at the wall, Loki started to toy with my hair. At first I wasn't focused enough to realize it was him. I just felt my hair getting moved about and the feeling of something moving against my scalp. This was making my skin crawl because earlier I saw ants running around in the bathroom and I was envisioning ants running over my head. I brushed my hand through my hair a few times and then I felt that strange static electricity feeling that comes when my hand touches his. (Envision a ball of static electricity that you pass your hand through. There is no shock, just that feeling of your skin being very sensitive and all the hairs on your skin standing up. Kinda like if you put your hand near a static ball. That's what it feels like, to me at least.)

I put my hand down and gave a sigh of just.. that combination of all of those feelings I was having. The sigh that goes with 'I am all out of fucks to give.' and 'What the fuck is going on here?' (all said with tired exasperation). Loki settled himself beside me and told me that I was being too serious. I grumpily responded with something, I don't remember what. But then Loki said to me something that I had been hearing from others on the spirit plane (I'm looking at you, Crow.).

"Why did you stop doing magic?"

I just lay there in silence. I wanted to reply with "I don't know." but I knew that it did not count as an answer. If I said the next thing that came to mind - I'm afraid. I don't think it works right anymore. - I knew that Loki was going to demand a better answer. Because feelings, while valid and important, are not entirely accurate for stating why something happened, at least not on this topic.

I don't remember my answer. I just remember Loki saying to me, "You need to have faith in yourself. You know this works. You have tons of evidence it works. You can't take the word of a liar seriously when they're lying to you about your truth. They don't know a damn thing about it." There was some awkward silence for a bit. And then he added the following:

Your lack of faith is because you were beaten for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were castigated for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were conditioned into it.
Your lack of faith is because you were wounded for it.
Strike a child, and they will fear the blow. Strike them for the same thing and over time that fear transfers to the thing. And what comes later is persistent fear and a hobbling. You are bound. Because you dared to stand up and have faith in yourself.

I'll be honest, having him say that was both validating and it hurt me. I tried to compensate for this by doing my best to ignore my hunger (as I had a small dinner out of an attempt to stick to a healthy diet). As this got more uncomfortable, Loki sighed and said "You're doing it again." I tried to argue with him that I couldn't go eat something then because I had brushed my teeth, because I needed to sleep, and some other thing that I can't quite recall. He shut those arguments down with one word, "Needs."

So, after I got up and had a snack of blueberries. I found myself suddenly feeling tired. Now, moments before, I was awake and anxious. After eating, I felt calm and sleepy. I wasn't even grumpy. I tried to will myself to go brush my teeth but that sense of exhaustion just got stronger. When I stretched out in bed, Loki said to me, "You are not disgusting. You are not worthless. Your life is not a mistake. You are competent and damn talented. You deserve love. And happiness. And your feelings and memories are valid." There was something else like that but I don't remember it because I fell asleep as he was speaking and rubbing my back.

But, Loki made a point last night of addressing some trauma issues that I had only recently realized were a problem. It all made sense. And it hurt. But, I think this is the hurt that comes with cleaning out an infection. I think it is going to lead to my getting healthier.

Aside from that, Loki today said to me 'Sit and spin.' and then started snickering. So I don't think he's upset with me, just upset with what happened to me and how much it has hindered me.

A vision.

Waxing GibbousWorm Moon (Age: 11 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cold, cloudy, snow 

possible later

Snow pack: n/a

Drought status: None

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke up from a very brief nap. As I woke a vision struck me. I saw a veiled young woman holding a sword. The sword had a rounded, blunted tip, though the edges were deadly sharp. Her skin was very dark. She was dressed in a black gown which was nearly indistinguishable from her skin except for a subtle difference in shade and the obvious difference in how fabric lies versus flesh. She stood at the head of a river. A rivulet of water rose up at her feet and flowed towards me.

As I watched, the water turned to blood and the thin stream widened. She did not stir as this happened. The woman, I must clarify, was not in her early 20s, but rather looking to be in her 30s. There was great strength in her bearing. The gown was sleeveless, so I could see her arms and it was clear that she was someone of significant physical strength. 

I do not know entirely what this vision means, but I suspect it is an omen of things coming to pass. My gut says that the woman I saw in this vision was a figure like Nemesis. Perhaps a face of Dea, the Janya Vikhë maybe. She is coming. I know this for sure. This figure bearing the sword of Mercy and Justice is coming to us. And her coming is not going to be pleasant, but it will be necessary.

Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonably cold

Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)

Push Forward.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Cold, cloudy
Snow Pack: > 1 in
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry (DS 1)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been working hard to do all those healthy things. Eating healthy, getting enough water, and getting exercise has been probably the easier part of it all. It is the managing the mental health stuff that has been hard. When I get upset and feel like I am just going to fail, so why bother trying, Ingvi gives me a rather stern look. Thus, I continue to make the effort, even though I may grumble some. Because I don't want to disappoint him.

I was really struggling yesterday. As I was sitting at the table working on updating my mental health journal and I noticed that I didn't get all of my check boxes marked for the day, I was discouraged. As I sat there looking down at my notebook with despair, he walked up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder. I could feel him leaning over me to look at the notebook. He then said to me, "It is not good enough? Why?"

I answered that it was never good enough, sounding utterly miserable. That is when Loki piped up from the other room "What have I said about opinions?" At which point I just kinda sighed. I caught Freyr waving a hand at Loki. I think he was about to have more to say, I'm not sure. But, Freyr wrapped an arm around me before setting his cheek against mine.

He said very quietly, "You're tired. You never look kindly at yourself when you are tired. Let this be and go enjoy the company of your husband and rest." I felt badly about leaving my notes for the day incomplete. I don't think it was pure coincidence that my pen stopped working. So, after having some quality time with Beloved and talking about all the garbage thoughts rattling around in my head, I fell asleep.

I don't remember my dreams except for one thing. I was trying to push forward through a very large pile of snow. It was literally deep enough that it came to the middle of my chest. I just knew that I had to go forward. I was exhausted but still trudging. As I was doing so, I some how could hear *someone* calling me from out ahead of me. Their voice kept getting lost in the wind. But I could hear a voice calling.

Wait, wut?

Waning Crescent Blood Moon (27 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Partly cloudy, some rain, cool
Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, at Loki's behest, I wrote a post wherein I directly named a being that I am uncomfortable naming this time of year. Then, I did my very best to make as much of an obvious disclaimer/warning for people not to try to play with said being. I gave him the side eye over this. He said, "Don't fear NAMES."

I have two things here that make me a bit ... bewildered. First, how did he manage to somehow speak in capital letters. It was the weirdest cross between visual psychic impression and auditory at the same time. I think this is just a case of Loki doing Loki things - namely throwing odd ball things into the mix to make me sit up and pay attention. (It gets pretty weird around here when I am head-blind.)

Second, I'm not sure why the emphasis upon not fearing names. I am pretty sure there is something more here than my reluctance to directly name one of the most fearsome terrifying spirits in my region. I mean the Wendigo is terrifying to a point where I'm even kinda uncomfortable typing it here. (I justify this by the fact that I did not say their name directly and there is a strike through it, thus obscuring the word/name somewhat. It does not make me more comfortable, though.) He has a point to this exercise and I can't quite grasp it.

Loki has been fairly chatty at odd moments over the last little while. Times when I don't expect it, like when I am in utter pain and desperately trying to concentrate on just breathing through it. He just showed up and started talking to me about how brave I was being and that it really was a much better thing to focus on breathing through the pain rather than holding my breath. He also helped me sleep by basically grabbing hold of me and dragging me down into unconsciousness whilst essentially throwing me in Freyr's direction as he goes "JUST TALK TO HIM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

The last bit sort of makes sense. I've been feeling self conscious and like I am an imposition upon Ingvi. As a result, I've been kinda very shy. I have gone into 'If I'm quiet enough, I won't get noticed and I won't be a problem for anyone.' mode. Loki's had enough of that shit. Thus the "NOW GO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE!" and such. Ingvi, for his part, seems somewhere between mildly annoyed and exasperated, with a dash of outrage that I feel this way (the outrage, however, is not directed at me but the situations that have taught me this coping mechanism).

Load the berth.

I'm all out of spoons right now. Please forgive my failure to note things like lunar phase, sign, and such. I am still unwell and in a lot of pain. As a result, it has made it difficult to think of much or get organized enough to do anything. I am frustrated and miserable. Also, I am anxious and terribly self conscious.

Earlier today, I was laying in bed trying to wait for my OTC medication to kick in for pain. I was perseverating on how much I was worried that I was an inconvenience and problem for Beloved. As I was sitting there quietly freaking out, Ingvi set a hand on my brow. He said to me, "What are you supposed to do with your panic when it is time to rest?" I just sort of mentally froze. I was too wrapped up in feeling badly and spiraling into panic to really get it.

He showed me an image from the dream where we first had this conversation sometime last year (I think). We were standing on a pier and his ship was moored on the left side. Beside me was a staggeringly large pile of boxes, trunks, and all other assorted forms of luggage. It represented everything from my daily worries about if the apartment was clean enough to my insecurities about how loveable I am to my even deeper issues. He picked up one of the boxes which was actually a wooden crate almost half as tall as I was. He walked over to the ship, stepped on board, and secured it in the hold. He then looked at me with a mild expression that was something between exasperation and ... I don't know, something I can't find a word for right now.

So, I began mentally boxing up my present anxieties and giving them to him. Boxes that seemed enormous and impossibly heavy, he lifted with all the ease that would come with a small box of tissues and set them in his ship. The hold did not fill up, as I worried it would. (That went into a box of its own - something that looked like an iron chest.) The ship did not seem weighted down for the cargo. To get me out of my solemness, Ingvi started whistling, singing, and generally being cheerful about it all. At one point, he actually began juggling boxes. That was what broke my very serious demeanor, by the way.

I felt myself moving into sleep as he took me by the hand and lead me to a place where I could rest with him. My pain was still present, but it did not cause me the emotional distress it was.

What am I doing again?

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Chill, partly cloudy skies

snow forecasted for pm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been a while since I've written in here. NaNoWriMo has been partly why and the fact that I just don't know where to begin is the other reason. There has been a lot on my plate with working with the gods and the various spirits around me. Mostly, that work has been 'shadow' work within myself. Look back on everything, I can see some spiritual measure behind why I got sick last week. I was falling into the bad habit of overextending myself again. I kept getting told to slow down and rest. I was stubborn and didn't listen. Then I found myself sick in bed for most of last weekend.

Freyr has been somewhat quiet of late. I'm not too surprised because in many ways this is his 'off' season in my part of the world. He also has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is participating in the Wild Hunt this year. (To be honest, the couple of times where I saw his hunting party in action, I was both mesmerized and intimidated. The fierce joy in his hunting and taking on difficult quarry took me by surprised. Somehow, I forgotten that he is more than a theoretical warrior deity. I'll get into a little more detail about one of those moments a little later. Probably in another post.) The times where I have been with him and he is talkative, the discussions have been somewhat hard for me.

He has become very direct in challenging me not to deny myself joy. Considering that this is something I've been struggling with for a long while and when I get stressed out, it is the first thing I drop, I really am not surprised. The conversations have moved from encouragement to take time for little pleasures in my day and sweetness to a combination of assertive challenging of my bad habit of self denial and a.. Well, it is hard to describe. While Loki and I have some D/s stuff between us (that I didn't expect but looking at it all it makes sense now), there was never anything like that between Freyr and I. Now, there's something that hits those mental buttons in an entirely different way with Freyr and I'm somewhat scrambling to figure out what I'm supposed to do. 

While Loki will be the right bastard that I have always found alluring, Freyr is decidedly taking a different approach. It leaves me feeling like he's hunting me. This game of cat and mouse is very different from the games between Loki and I. And where Loki will basically grab a hold of me and make me look at something, Freyr has been doing this combination of chasing me in the direction I should be moving and cornering me and making me look at things. It is very disconcerting and has left me in a rather confused and twitterpated state. And it is becoming clear that this is what response he is seeking right now. I have a feeling that Loki's spending some time over the last few months pushing my mental buttons has shown Freyr something about what makes me tick.

On one hand, I am finding myself beside myself with delighted anticipation. On the other, I am reeling with shock and struggling with the urge to run and hide. Which doesn't work so well with gods. You may run but hiding never works. And they'll just let you run yourself tired. Last weekend was something of a manifestation of running myself tired, I think. Because while I was half delirious, Freyr was very present and made use of my rather glib state to have a conversation with me about my problem with keeping outmoded and harmful mental patterns in play.

Loki's been pushing my kink buttons pretty hard. This has lead to some awkward moments. Finding yourself getting hot and bothered over an idea when you're in the middle of something that is entirely different and really usually isn't connected with sex... it can be a bit uncomfortable. Especially when you are attempting to do something like pay bills and you need to focus on doing math to make sure everything is coming out properly. At the same time, however, Loki's effort to have me associate something pleasurable with doing stuff that usually makes me super anxious seems to be working. It is somewhat bewildering. But, again, there is the concerted push to make me realize stuff like sex is not a bad thing and that pleasure is ok/safe/fun. Loki has also been very ... amused with how I've basically gone 'eep' and stare like a deer in headlights when Freyr starts pushing my buttons. He's declared it adorable.

I usually would fire back some sassy comment about how I'm not adorable, but my smart ass comments have been falling flat as Loki has been deciding to be ... amused with it rather than annoyed. It's been fairly disconcerting to realize that my sass has moved from 'teehee, I'm being a pest.' to 'I'm writing checks that my ass is going to have to deliver on.' I suppose you could say that we've gone to the next level with these games, I have no idea. All I know is that Loki plays the mindfuckery game like no ones business and he's become more aggressive about it as I have gotten more comfortable with this thing between him and I. At one point, I was having a bad day and I demanded to know what exactly was his game. He gave a very... sexually charged laugh and said, "You need someone to push you. I'm here to help." It cured my bad mood. At the same time, a part of me quietly went 'Oh shit!' and I found myself questioning what the fuck I was thinking about all of this.

And then there is Freyja. Oh boy has that been difficult for me. I think I'm making progress. I've been struggling with what she's been giving me to work on. I have been genuinely putting effort and doing my best to swallow my anxiety to push forward. At the same time, she has been adapting the tasks she gives me to work around my difficulties. A part of me keeps insisting that I'm not 'good enough' to accomplish the stuff she is giving me to do. I've been doing my best to gag, hogtie, and throw that part into a dark hole. Another part of me looks at myself and goes 'Why the fuck can't I do XYZ? It's simple. Why can't I do it?' A lot of what Freyja has me working on aligns with the stuff that my therapist has me working on. I don't think that is a coincidence either. I'm stumbling my way forward but it feels like I'm trying to walk when I'm so weak I can hardly crawl. And getting angry is not working to push me through it. Instead, I have to go in the opposite direction and that's been a struggle for me.

There's been some other stuff going on, but I'm going to put that in a separate post. Because it's kinda weird enough to take up its own slot. I will simply say that astral sex has consequences.

Over the last week, I have found myself interacting a lot with the dead. I do it a fair amount to begin with. But there was a bump in traffic around Tuesday. I don't know if it is connected to the stuff that has happened with a lot of mass deaths over the last two weeks. All I know is that I went from having one or two spirits of the deceased showing up to get, well, for the lack of a better description, directions to their destination, to I had about ten show up all at once. (No, they were not all French or any of the people who died in the other incidents. Three were cancer victims. One was a car accident victim, who was very disoriented and had no idea how they wound up in my neck of the woods. Four were domestic abuse victims. And one was somebody who passed on from a heart attack. They all were headed to the same spiritual 'place' but as one described it, they got lost on a detour.) The other days were similar incidents.

I have also found that my Disir have been more vocal of late. They are all doing what they could to encourage and help me with the work I've been doing for Freyja. It was very... confusing to have my Disir helping me to have conversations with different aspects of myself. But, I was ... effective. They have also been active in my dreams. Again, the general emphasis has been on helping me resolve my issues with letting myself be happy and enjoy things. Oddly, or perhaps not so odd, I have been finding myself making a lot of progress through dream work. I have also been having more lucid dreams over the last two weeks.

Dreams

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 19 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Cool, cloudy with a threat of rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last night was really busy on the dreamscape. The first one that I had, I was sitting at a bus stop, waiting for a bus to go to Marketplace mall. (Mind you this place is about 2 hours away via the bus route that comes through here. It is 20 miles away from where I live. This is part of the reason why I'm glad we own a car.) Two things struck me as odd, which jarred me into lucid dreaming. The first was that my sleepy little town looked like it was a suburb of Baltimore. The other thing was the fact that there were no people around but myself, despite the fact that it was the middle of the day.

Shortly after I transitioned into lucid dreaming, a man in a dark blue dyed leather long coat and a brown wide brimmed hat pulled down low walked up and sat down beside me. He was not a small man by any stretch of the imagination. Very tall and broad of shoulder, I knew that between his manner of dress and his size, it was Odin.

I looked over at him and was surprised by two things. First, he had both eyes and, second, he appeared to be about my age rather than that of my father (or older). I greeted him with 'Hello, All-Father.' and he scoffed. Then he bemusedly chided me for being so formal and told me to call him dad. He reached into a pocket of his jacket and pulled out a fixed blade knife. 

It looked similar to my ritual knife (double edged, brass pommel and cross guard, with a brown wooden grip) but the blade was 5 inches long rather than the 3 of my ritual knife. The sheath of the knife was black with a unicursal knotwork design in red. The longer I looked at the design, the more shapes I saw in it. The one that showed up the most was a snake. I saw a pair of birds in the pattern and a wolf as well. The three animals didn't surprise me that much. I mean, they are Odin's animals. It was the butterflies that threw me for a loop.

I was about to ask him about it when he said, "You need a new knife. Take it." I reached over to take it and a queer feeling passed over me. I felt like my skin was tight, dry, and itchy. Like all of it was dead and needed to come off. He said, "That's the snake. You need to shed your skin too. This doesn't fit you any more. Change or die. And I'd prefer change for you." That strange sensation went away and I heard Huginn and Muninn calling, though I couldn't see them. He smiled as I looked around for them before setting a hand on my shoulder.

That was when I had the feeling of one bird perched on my left shoulder and the other on my knee. I couldn't see them, but I could hear them and feel them there. I was confused because their calls weren't very loud. They were actually pretty quiet. I suspect they were restraining themselves because of how close they were to me. "They are always with you. Yes, they fly the Nine Worlds and about Midgard, but they are with you. If you need me, call out. They will tell me and I will come," he explained, "I will always come. Because you are my daughter."

The wolves came out of a shadow that was literally on the side of the building. There was no place they could have been because they came out of the side of a building where the shadow lay. It was kinda weird, but I'm coming to the conclusion that weird just happens with gods involved. I don't think it is something that Loki has cornered the market on, yet. (And yes, I think there is playful rivalry between him and Odin for strangeness. Because I've noticed that they have a similar sense of humor.) Freki and Geri approached and sat down between us.

Freki headbutted my right knee until I finally scratched him between the ears. The wolves acted just like domesticated dogs. Their tails wagged happily as they got pets. Freki moved a bit and Geri got pets while Freki just leaned against my legs and wagged his tail. They seemed really happy and really sweet. It was totally not what I expected. Odin watched me as I petted the wolves. As I got comfortable with them, he just had a huge smile. Like he was watching a kid get a Yule gift they always wanted. I looked at him, kinda confused by the smile. He told me, "They'll come to you when you need protection. They will drive away danger and defend you, and your children. You are now part of their pack," he said sounding like he was going to start chuckling at any moment, "You know how wolves are about their pack."

Then asked him why I saw the butterflies. He scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He gave me a hug and said, "Why, that's you." I wanted to ask him more questions but he stood up. The ravens vanished from where they were perched on me to be visibly perched on his shoulders. The wolves came to his side as he set a hand on the crown of my head. He didn't say anything, but I knew that he blessed me. I felt this curious combination of warmth and chill come from his hand and go over me. It was confusing. He then said to me, "Be good." before walking off into the shadows and vanishing.

I wasn't confused by the 'be good' comment. I know exactly what he is talking about. I'm a little conflicted on how I feel about his casual, and really subtle, acknowledgement of the D/s thing going on between Loki and I. A part of me is kinda uncomfortable and feeling like something that should be super private isn't now. Another part of me is relieved that he isn't upset with me and my submissive role. It's a conflicted thing for me. I'm sure that it will resolve eventually. And I'm pretty sure that Loki will have something to say about my feeling conflicted. He usually has opinions on my getting like that over stuff.

I am a little concerned about the fact that Odin didn't include Beloved in the people that his wolves will protect. Loki assures me that it is because Beloved doesn't need supported defense like I do or is defenseless like the kids. The gods and the dead always tell me not to worry so much about Beloved because he's got everything squared away. It is hard to keep that in mind, to be honest.

The other dream I had was of Loki. I'm not surprised, looking back on it all, that where one went the other showed up. This dream, however, wasn't the kinky stuff that has been happening a fair amount of late. Thankfully, it wasn't him and I fighting again either. We were back at the river from my other dream. I was kinda worried about having to do the bucket thing again, but it didn't happen. Instead, there was the upstream portion of the river where all the rocks were getting a rime of ice over it and the downstream part of the river where the pools were that were steaming slightly. Somehow, I knew it was because those waters were almost boiling hot.

I was going to ask Loki why the water was like that when he shoved me and I fell into the water. At first I was worried that I was going to be burned or get dangerously cold as I fell. Then I hit the water and things got really weird. Like, through the looking glass kind of weird. I fell through the water into another place. It was dark in there. I couldn't fully recognize it because of how dark it was but it felt uncomfortably familiar.  It was like I fell through a doorway and managed to catch myself right before I completely fell to the ground. I took a few steps forward and then Loki followed me through that 'door'. 

I was getting progressively more and more anxious and uncomfortable standing there. "Need a light?" Loki asked and I just wanted to go back through that 'door' and get out of the little room that felt full of stuff. Then Loki turned on a light and I immediately knew why I felt anxious and a little sick standing there. We were standing in the room that N. raped me in. I wanted to demand to know why we were there when the door that was to the room rattled and the light went out. I knew exactly what was going to happen next. I saw the door open and myself and N. walk into the room. I turned away so I couldn't see what was going to happen more as the memory played out (weirdly with me as an observer rather than experiencing it).

Loki put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. I saw things starting to unfold and I closed my eyes. Loki told me to open them. I wanted to argue with him when he said I needed to see it. I could hear myself telling N. to stop and I started shaking. I felt like I was going to be sick. He said I needed to open my eyes to see that what I remember was real. I started to cry. I told him that I wanted to forget.

He wasn't angry or upset in any fashion. He was actually very calm and compassionate when he said, "You will never forget the moments that define you. Even when you think you have." I covered my face with my hands as I listened to things happening, and I started crying. Loki stepped up close behind me and wrapped me up in a big hug. "You haven't lost your mind," he said, "All of this is real. All of your memories are just that, memories. You would never make something like this up. You would lie to tell people you are fine or not afraid. You would lie to hide what you think is a weakness or any evidence of it. Believe yourself. Trust your memories."

Things changed somehow. It was no longer dark and the air felt warm. Loki told me to open my eyes and I discovered we were back at the river's edge. Loki was still holding me but I was standing so that I was facing him with my hands on his chest. He said solemnly, "Believe in yourself. You do not lie." He then added with a fond smile, "And when you try, you don't do it very well." I was still feeling upset, sick, and scared. Loki just held me as I kinda cried and tried to speak at the same time. I managed to get out that I didn't want it to be real. He got this sad, knowing look on his face. That was when he told me, "I know. I know exactly how it is. But you can not change it. This is what is. This is what happened. You can not push it away or will it into non-existence. Not even gods can do that. Trying will only break you. Stop fighting it. Let your tears flow."

He smiled a little bit and then said, "That's what Freyja would want, you know." I tried to get angry and push all the painful feelings away, but I couldn't. Then I just sobbed and felt like I was broken by how I just lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Each time I tried to stop, I hurt more and I cried harder. Loki just held me and smoothed my hair. He muttered soothing things and reassuring things to me. After a while, I stopped crying.

It wasn't because the pain was gone. It wasn't because the grief or the feelings of guilt were gone. I just, couldn't do it. Loki just said very quietly, "And there it is." I didn't understand. I woke up still confused by that.

Dreams and Nightmares.

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Hot, sultry &

partly cloudy skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Because my stress levels have been stupidly high, I have been having nightmares again. I've taken a bit of a risk by not taking my anti-nightmare recall med but I think I'm learning to regain some control over them. I don't remember much of my nightmares last night except that they were of fire. The last one I recall is the clearest, wherein I was trapped in a burning house. It became a lucid dream as the house caught fire and I attempted to change the dream. My efforts, however, somehow only served to make the fire (and my panic) even worse. In my distress in the dream, I screamed out to Loki for help.

There was utter silence and not even a ghost of his presence. He just wasn't there. So, I called out to Freyr. Then calm flooded through me and I was lifted out of sleep as Freyr held me and just said, "I'm here." When I reflected on it, I realized that Loki purposely wasn't there because I need to turn to Freyr more for help. I felt like an idiot when I realized that my habitual cry to Loki (who for the longest time was the only one whom I felt present and accessible, because Dea intimidated me so much she didn't feel accessible) was part of my problem. Fortunately enough, however, neither Loki or Freyr were irritated with me over it. Honestly, if I wasn't one to have fire nightmares when I got super stressed out, I would have suspected that the dream was engineered by Flame Hair himself as yet another shove to make me get over myself with respect to Freyr. To a small part, honestly, I do suspect him a little bit because of that sly look he gave me when I made the realization this morning as I was journaling.

When I'm not having nightmares, I'm have surreal dreams about the past. They're like seeing still snapshots of things that happened rather than reliving the trauma. And when they happen, I am not upset in any fashion. If anything, I'm annoyed. Freyr assures me that this is a sign that I am truly making progress integrating it all. I dearly hope that is the case. But, it is weird to see the terrible things happen in still images from random moments of the experience. I think the strangeness of it serves to insulate me from the horror to some extent. Thus, I am thankful for it.

Aside from the surreal dreams, I have started having a dream where a veiled female figure is sitting on a throne illuminated by some kind of spotlight in a dark hall. In the dream, I walk the length of the hall but it fades before I get close enough to see her clearly. While the Filianic interpretation of the dream would suggest either Sai Rhavë or, in the worst case, the Dark Queen, I don't think this is the case. In my past encounters with Sai Rhavë, she has appeared as a tall, solemn woman of great age whose manner of dress is akin to that of a Greek Orthodox woman in black. And she is always carrying a scythe or sickle. Also, Sai Rhavë appears to me standing in a field that has been or is being harvested. Sometimes she is holding dried flowers and other times a bowl with decaying fruit. But this veiled woman in my dream does not have any of the energy of Sai Rhavë to her. Nor does she have the ... menace of the Dark Queen.

I have felt a brush of the Dark Queen's energy. It was perhaps one of the most terrifying psychic experiences I have had. I could describe it, but I suspect that doing so would invite her attention. She is a thing of nightmares. She is the mother of all sorrows and agony. Even as I type this, I have made the sign of the Silver Star and give thanks for Sai Vikhë's protection. (Where Sai Vikhë appears for many to look like Athena or Kali, to me she looks alternately as a shield-maiden or a modern female infantryman. It is interesting to watch her interact with the gods. She and Freyja get on like a house afire. And they look almost to be sisters in apperance. It is fascinating.)

But this female figure, I am most certain it is not Hel. I have seen Hel. I have been in her hall and in her presence. This figure is not the Queen of the Dead. And this place is not Helheim. Helheim is not all darkness. It is not all austerity. It is a peaceful place where tired souls find their rest and comfort after the journey of life. This dark place that I have gone to in my dreams is a cold place and silent. Helheim is not silent. It may be still and quiet, but it is not utter silence like this place. It makes me question if this veiled woman is an aspect of my psyche and what she has to teach me.

Equinox, Super Moon, and a Solar Eclipse walk into a bar...

New Egg Moon (Age: 0 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cold, partly cloudy,

light breezes and snow flurries

Snow Pack: 1 in, approx.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Magically, I can feel the tides are pretty high right now. There's a lot going on celestially with the equinox, super moon, and solar eclipse happening today. I haven't been doing any magic today because I have been busy with the kids being home from school. Also, I have had the distinct feeling that I should refrain from it until after Hiatus is over. I did notice, however, that at the time of the solar eclipse, I did briefly awaken from sleep (as it was 3 am here and all was dark). I don't think, however, that was of much significance because my reason for awakening was due to my husband's snoring. (As my psych issues have improved, I have found that I sleep a bit lighter but get more rest. I don't claim to understand it.)

I was going to observe a partial fast today and made it to the middle of the day. Then I grabbed something quick from the store on my way to a parent-teacher conference and my abstaining from sugar got shot by the bottle of cola I had. I did manage to refrain from meat until dinner, so I suppose that counts as a success. I wanted to at least keep myself in some sense restrained in my observance of Hiatus and I didn't do quite as well as I had wanted. Life got in the way as it had through out the whole of Moura.

Last night, as I was falling asleep and communing with Freyr, I talked about my frustrations with keeping such things. He was bemused and told me that he was my dispensation from austerity. I was a bit flustered by this. It seems that Freyr is becoming more of a primary figure in my spiritual experiences. This is not too much of a surprise because of the relationship I am in with him. At the same time, I thought that things with Dea were going to stay very focused and front and center. When asking Freyr about this, he smiled and told me that she was still there and interested in me. My vow to her still binds me and Freyr will not contraindicate it. But he also told me that I was focusing too much on the 'form' of worship rather then the 'heart' of it.

Again, he was bemused with me as he said it. Called me his 'overly serious scholar' and told me that I am in no way to become something like an anchorite. It threw me for a bit of a loop until I realized that my tendency to cloister myself away from the world was less a spiritual act and more of an outgrowth of my social phobia. He was quick to tell me that solitude is part of my path but I needed to be in the world more. I was also told that I needed to reacquire my sense of humor or Loki was going to 'help' with that. 

I'll be honest, the little bit of playful 'malice' with Freyr's comment flustered me more and made me more apprehensive then the prospect of Loki helping me find humor. Loki's been laughing at this all day. Generally going with comments along the lines of "You're getting what you asked for. It's adorable to watch you flail. He should do this more often." and "Bit off more then you could chew, I guess you'll need to swallow." The latter was accompanied by some explicit gestures. Which rather made me flustered again and Flame Hair laughed again. I don't know why, but I forget that Loki's sense of humor does include a fair amount of lewdness. When he displays it (he was suggesting I use the phrase 'whips it out', for example), I tend to get mildly embarrassed and flustered. He jokes that I am a prude because of this and makes a point of making such comments at times where it gets a particularly strong response.

I wound up through a confluence of incidents going out to do stuff out of the house in public with out my head covered but my hair bound (in a very loose fashion by a ponytail). It felt somewhat odd. I have the feeling that my taboo is relaxing somewhat as my hair lengthens, though I am still encouraged to do so and have my hair bound up in some fashion when I go out of the house. The silence from Dea has me unsure if this is the case or my misinterpreting things.

At the time of the equinox, the boys and I were actively cleaning the house. I think this sets a tone for what the season will be like. We were working relatively well together and I wasn't overly stressed out by it. I hope this means that the season will exhibit more of this. I haven't done divination yet for the season and the upcoming liturgical year. I'm going to do that tomorrow at the beginning of the liturgical year.

Dreams.

Waning Worm Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: cold, clear skies

Snow pack: 1-2 inches where 

it remains

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been having angry dreams of late. One has me battling a shadowy, superior foe. In that dream, I am grievously injured but I fight on. As the battle continues, my injuries become greater. At the end of the dream, I am so wounded that I should drop to the ground dead. I fight on, declaring in a savage growl, "I don't die."

The other dream is also one of combat. I am facing an army of draugar. I am unable to retreat. I take up a defensive position at a bottleneck on high ground. I hack and hew the bodies of my foes. At one point, I briefly consider ending my own life when I become extremely exhausted. Then, I angrily decide that I will fight until I die, taking down as many of my foes as I possibly can in the process.

I know that my dreams relate to my ptsd on one level. I have a feeling, however, that there is something on another level that gives them another meaning. I just can't puzzle it out.

Skydiving weddings and stuff.

Waxing Worm Moon (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: bitterly cold,

snow is projected

Snowpack: 2.5 ft, approx.?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell asleep on the couch this morning. I had a headache and figured sleeping would make it go away because coffee and tylenol wasn't touching it. Fortunately, sleep did cure my headache but boy did I have some strange dreams. I dreamed that I officiated a polyamorous wedding that just happened to be done mid-air whilst skydiving. As someone who thinks jumping out of perfectly good airplanes is crazy talk, I was baffled by this dream. 

I also dreamed that I was shoveling endless amounts of snow. I know that one is the fruit of the recent weather and the fact that I have been doing a lot of snow shoveling. As I said elsewhere, I think the only positive I can see about this bitterly cold and snowy weather is that I am getting a good workout when I shovel. The dream was strangely pleasant. I didn't feel like Sisyphus but rather like an excavator working a gold strike. There was excitement about shoveling that I, honestly, haven't felt since I was a child and shoveling snow meant there was more to use in making snowforts and snowmen. Perhaps the dream is some encouragement from my unconscious mind to take time to go out and play in the snow with the kids. If the weather isn't so blastedly bitter, perhaps we'll do something.

I haven't been doing much on my tarot reading stuff. I pretty much gave up hope of having the energy and focus to do it with this last, extended depressive episode. I was still in the midst of that despairing mindset when a friend on Facebook asked me for a tarot reading. It went really well and Loki nudged me in the shoulder kinda hard. I guess I am better at this tarot reading stuff then I feel I am. As per his encouragement, I am back on Keen attempting to do this stuff again. It is kinda hard because I'm, quite frankly, afraid of other people. Social phobia is hugely a problem when it comes to marketing and being able to take calls. Still, Loki thinks I can do it and do it well. So I'm going to jump back into this with both feet and hope the water isn't too cold.

I've been trying to reach out to Odin to get his thoughts on a few things. I have a feeling that I've been dreaming of him at night. The problem is, I don't really remember the dreams too well when I wake up in the morning. I think I'm going to sit down with one of my many divination tools and do a question and answer session. I am leaning towards using runes, though I feel a little gunshy on that one. I kinda had my self confidence shaken a little while back when I forgot the meanings of them. I suppose this is another thing that I should just jump back in with both feet and give it the old college try. (Idioms, what idioms?)

Dreams from Last Night.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 27 Days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy

Snow pack:  Approx 3 ft

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have three dreams I remember clearly from last night. One was of a young woman who was from an Asian-American family. I think she was around seventeen or so. The young woman was depressed and feeling like she couldn't accomplish anything. Her aunt took her to an antique store. As they were walking around, the aunt told her to pick what she liked from the store. The young woman found an old cookbook. As she opened the cookbook and looked at it, the pages became those of a photo album with very old pictures of her family in it. As she looked at those pictures, her sense of depression lifted and she picked up another cookbook. It was another book that transformed into a photo album. She was then standing with her mother in the front room of their house holding the books. Her mother said "We'll move Uncle Jun (Pronounced like June.) out of your room and your grandmother in." The girl was much happier then.

The second dream that I recall is of watching a family of Native Americans fleeing before a group of armed colonial soldiers. As they ran, they were torn between bringing their few belongings with them and just out right flight. The entire scene made me sad and I felt powerless to do anything about it. Before this dream ended, I had Enigma's Silent Warrior in my ears, specifically the chorus.

The third dream, I was sitting in a scriptorium of a monastery with a thick stack of vellum before me. To my left there was a book with an illuminated manuscript contained in it. To my right, there was a jar of ink and a steel tipped quill pen. The ink was the color of heart's blood. I looked at the book I was supposed to be copying and the letters swam on the page. The figures in the illustrations moved and fought with each other. I was cold and my hands hurt terribly. As I struggled to read the page to copy it, a wizened old man stood nearby chanting in a language that sounded roughly like Latin but wasn't.

I think the first dream is addressing something about my family but I'm not entirely sure what. The second one was most likely the result of listening to Silent Warrior several times yesterday as I was writing. The third dream, I'm confident, has to do with my frustration with the manuscript I'm writing.

Letters to Loki #8 - Last night.

Hello there Commander Insanity,

I am still a bit annoyed with how last night went but I admit that I do see the humor in it all. I suppose that I was being a bit to rigid in refusing the apologize to my stuffed bear for using it to hit my husband. I still maintain that I had no reason to apologize to an inanimate object. You and Beloved, however were of one mind on that front.

It was when you both agreed that a pillow would have been fine as an impromptu smiting tool because apparently that is clearly an inanimate object that things crossed the line from goofball to insane. I think you could have made your point with out it. I wound up laughing and hurting my ribs because of it. I'm still smirking over it, but I am a wee bit annoyed with that whole business.

I will confess, you are right when you say that my pride is a cold comfort on a winter's night. I get the message, I need to stop being so damn proud and accept that I am allowed help when I need it. And that I need to stop being so damn proud and be willing to make a fool of my self for the sake of humor. I really do. I just wish that it could have been done with out making my ribs hurt more.

They're still aching from the laughter last night. Any one who says that you don't use humor as a weapon doesn't know you very well. Also, I think I can never hear the phrase 'kiss the dwarf' with out snickering now. Oh, one last thing, the next time you send me a dream of zombies please don't show up as one. That was just too damn weird. (Of course this request probably means I will be having that dream for the next week.)

Still snickering at it all,
Me

Dreamwalking whilst ill

Full Wolf Moon (Age 13 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Windy, thaw, rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the midst of my resting today, I went dreamwalking. I didn't intend to do it. Generally, when I am sick, I try to limit my expending of effort to recovery, even on the spiritual level. Still, as I was resting this afternoon, I went on a spirit journey.

I found myself in a corridor with white walls and lots of light. There were windows along the right hand wall that looked out over a garden. The corridor was more like a very large room then a hallway. It was like some kind of hospital with many beds situated by the windows. In the spiritual realms, I was just as sick as I am physically, which doesn't usually prove the case when I go dreamwalking but I think it was just a sign of how ill I felt. 

As I shuffled down this corridor in my scuffed up slippers, rumpled pajamas, and fluffy pink bathrobe, I noticed how the space was mostly empty. I got the impression that this place of healing was experiencing a temporary lull in occupancy. I walked to the bed at the end of the corridor that was nearest to a set of french doors that looked out onto the garden and sat down. I was impressed with how clean and tidy everything was there. It was like the image of an 1800s hospital ward, if it was empty and spotless.

As I sat there on the foot of that bed, I heard someone come into the corridor from a doorway back behind me. I looked over and saw Freyr walking with a diminutive woman. He towered over her. She was dressed like the archetypal image of a civil war era nurse. Honestly, she looked so much like the images of Clara Barton that I was impressed. She was dressed in white and had a starched white apron. Her salt and pepper gray hair was carefully caught up in a caul and pinned up quite elegantly. 

This 'nurse' had such an air of command about her that I could only think that she was the head nurse of the ward I was in. The nurse and Freyr were talking about something as they approached in a language that I didn't know. It sounded like a cross between gaelic and german. When they reached me, Freyr gave me a smile as the nurse gave me a stern look. She took my pulse and felt my neck. Then she made some sort of pronouncement before walking off. 

I was waking up as Freyr sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I woke up coughing and with the feeling that he was helping me sit up. I'm pretty sure that he brought me to this hospital-like place I went in my dream. I do not think it was mere coincidence that after this dream, as I woke up more fully, I started feeling better then I had been earlier in the day. I just wish that I could have understood what they said. I suspect that I will be dreaming of that place again tonight.

Amazement and ramblings.

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: seasonably cold, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I saw this post and my jaw hit the floor. I literally could not move for a few moments because I was stunned with amazement. After Rose and her circle (coven doesn't feel the right word, and neither does circle but I'm still to shocked to 'brain' right now) had taken me into their arms and done a powerful spell to address my fertility issues, Hlif appeared to me in a dream. She was holding an infant in one arm and a toddler by the hand.

She looked exactly as she does in this card. She said nothing, but put the infant in my arms and then had the toddler take my hand. The age gap between the children was three years. The infant was asleep, but the toddler had the same brilliant blue eyes that Snuggle Bug has. Several months later, my eldest son (aka Cuddle Bear) was conceived. Did I mention that the infant appeared to be a few months old when she placed him in my arms?

I forgot about that dream until I saw Galina's post about the new Hlif prayer card available for purchase. Then I saw the image of Hlif and the whole thing came flooding back to me.

I sat down at the computer to post some snark about one of my recently absent spiritual companions when I checked posts on Wordpress and saw that. It kinda overrode what I was initially thinking. My 'guide' Eathan's asshattery, however, has taken the edge off that shock. I have several 'guides' though I think spirit companion is a better term. One of them presents as a young man (approximately 17 years old, caucasian with red hair and your sterotypical high school football player's build) and he goes by the name Eathan. For the last half year, Eathan had been quiet and then I realized it wasn't that he was quiet but rather that he had gone off somewhere.

Now, I didn't think much of the matter. My spirit companions come and go by their own will. Over the last half year, I had been rather caught up in other stuff (well, closer to a year but anyways...) and I figured if they weren't actively poking me to make their presence known that they were either about and observing or off somewhere doing their own thing. For all I knew, one of them may have negotiated terms of incarnation. Now, who is it that I would have put money on that last concept? If you guessed Eathan, you are right. For a while, he was trying to talk me into allowing him to incarnate through me.

And by 'a while' I mean for several years. Stargazer at one point got sick of his attempts to have her ferry his side of the conversation for a few months which lead to her and him having words. That was when Eathan decided that she was the greatest thing to walk the earth and he basically attempted to woo her. Which he did with all the awkwardness of a young adult who didn't realize that the object of his affection was entirely indifferent to him and didn't realize that there were distinct challenges to being in a relationship where only one of you is corporeal. To say the least, Stargazer bore his efforts with the patience of a saint and enough snark to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Since Stargazer has transitioned from life into afterlife (shuffled off the mortal coil/died/etc. I still haven't found a comfortable way to say that my best friend is deceased.), Eathan decided to make the attempt to court her again.

When he vanished off of my proverbial radar, I figured one of three things happened.

1. Stargazer smacked him into another realm of existence for irritating her.
2. Eathan negotiated incarnation with someone and was on his way into this world.
3. He found someone else to moon over and was currently engaged in that.

Since his return this afternoon, he has done the following:

1. Insisted that all homemade bread is good bread, even if I say the loaf came out badly.
2. Declared that one is permitted to slurp the liquid portion of beef stew because it is not soup.
3. Done a bad imitation of Loki. (It was so bad that Lopt facepalmed and literally said "go away, kid, you bother me."
4. Annoyed my other spiritual companions to the point where they have vacated the premises for the moment.
5. Put out the candle I had burning on my altar (because he wanted to see if I would notice and if he could do it).

So, all in all, Eathan is back and being his typical self. This makes me wonder how things are going to go over the next little while. Eathan hasn't exactly been introduced to Freyr. If he manages to annoy Loki to the point where Loki decides he's going to go away for a little while, just how irritated is he going to make Freyr?

I also wonder if having Eathan back means that my life may be returning to some semblance of 'normal'. For a while now, things were pretty quiet on the psychic level. Enough so that I wasn't sure if something had changed within myself and I was having difficulties with my gifts. Now, however, I think the 'silence' is going to be filled up with Eathan causing mischief and the others trying to get a handle on him. I may find myself having to bind him to a rock and stick him in 'timeout' (aka the sock drawer) again if he gets too bad. I really don't want to have to do that, though. Last time it was really aggravating to hear him every time I opened the sock drawer.

Ramblings about Dreams

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Warm, humid, cloudy

(90% of last week's snow melted)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a little while but I still seem to be improving in the mental state department. The migraine last night persisted somewhat into the morning, necessitating a nap to get rid of the pain. As I slept, I dreamed that Freyr sat me down at this large wooden table. It looked like a trestle table made out of some sort of hardwood. The boards that made up the table top were wide and a dark color that spoke of years (if not longer) of use. The table itself was long enough to seat thirty people. We were sitting at the head of the table. Or should I say, I was sitting at the head of the table and Freyr was standing beside me, leaning against the table.

I don't really remember what the room looked like but I remember that it was warm and spacious. I some how knew that the weather outside of the building was bitterly cold, despite the fact that it was daylight. I just knew that there was snow on the ground and ice hanging from the trees outside, though I couldn't see out any windows, for the windows had curtains drawn across them and they were shuttered. I was sitting at the table dressed in the same horribly casual clothes that I have been wearing today (old sweats and an over sized sweater) and feeling like I didn't belong and that I was under dressed. Which was a bit silly as Freyr was dressed in jeans, a flannel, and hiking boots.

He didn't tell me to stay seated but I could tell by the look in his eye that he didn't want me to get up and wander off (though sitting in that seat made me *extremely* uncomfortable). Just as I was reaching the point where I couldn't stand it any longer, he finally said something. What he said was really simple, but pretty much everything I've been struggling with for the last few days, "Stay in your body." Now, it may sound strange to say that I have been struggling to stay 'embodied' but it has been part of what I've been dealing with because of my c-PTSD. Even in my dreams, I tend to disassociate myself from my physical sensations and play third party observer.

I really didn't want to do it. I felt over exposed and vulnerable. It didn't matter that it was a dream, that we were alone, or that the place we were in was safe. I still really wanted to 'check out' because of how unsafe I felt. As I was struggling with this, Freyr knelt down beside the chair and put his hands over mine. Where I had only vaguely felt the sensations of my clothes and sitting in the chair earlier, when his hands covered mine, it was as real as if it were happening when I was awake. A part of me screamed that I needed to pull my hands away from his and to push away the sensations. I sat there shaking from the effort it took not to do that.

After what felt like forever, he half stood up and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. Then I found myself in a different dream where I was struggling to make pancakes for a literal army. I kept getting angrier and angrier with each fouled up pancake. I was at the point of being ready to have a mini-meltdown over it when Loki walked in and took over the task of making pancakes. Again, I was struggling with the whole staying 'in' my body. Again, Freyr was there. In this one, he was standing behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me. I woke up with the sensation of being held and the confusing thought that I needed to make chocolate chip pancakes properly to really be worthy of anything.

I didn't give the dreams any thought until I read the last paragraph of this post. When I read it, I had the curious sensation of feeling like the world was reeling for a moment, for I could nearly swear it was something that Freyr had said to me at some point over the last several days word for word. I've been struggling with my dissociative symptoms for a little while now. With that comes the feeling like I don't matter, which makes me more prone to dissociate. It's a pretty vicious cycle.

I'm pretty sure that Freyr is going to keep working with me on this dissociation business. It's been the main symptom of trouble (aside from the nonsense that goes with bipolar and a touch of seasonal affective disorder). A part of me is scared that I'm not up for this. But I'm just going to do my best to stay body aware and stuff over the holidays (despite the stress). I may not feel like I'm worth it but Freyr is of the opinion that I am. (Probably with a laundry list of others, starting with Stargazer, to be honest.) We'll see what tonight's dreams bring me. At least it wasn't nightmares last night. That is progress right there.