Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)
Weather: Hot, sultry &
partly cloudy skies
Because my stress levels have been stupidly high, I have been having nightmares again. I've taken a bit of a risk by not taking my anti-nightmare recall med but I think I'm learning to regain some control over them. I don't remember much of my nightmares last night except that they were of fire. The last one I recall is the clearest, wherein I was trapped in a burning house. It became a lucid dream as the house caught fire and I attempted to change the dream. My efforts, however, somehow only served to make the fire (and my panic) even worse. In my distress in the dream, I screamed out to Loki for help.
There was utter silence and not even a ghost of his presence. He just wasn't there. So, I called out to Freyr. Then calm flooded through me and I was lifted out of sleep as Freyr held me and just said, "I'm here." When I reflected on it, I realized that Loki purposely wasn't there because I need to turn to Freyr more for help. I felt like an idiot when I realized that my habitual cry to Loki (who for the longest time was the only one whom I felt present and accessible, because Dea intimidated me so much she didn't feel accessible) was part of my problem. Fortunately enough, however, neither Loki or Freyr were irritated with me over it. Honestly, if I wasn't one to have fire nightmares when I got super stressed out, I would have suspected that the dream was engineered by Flame Hair himself as yet another shove to make me get over myself with respect to Freyr. To a small part, honestly, I do suspect him a little bit because of that sly look he gave me when I made the realization this morning as I was journaling.
When I'm not having nightmares, I'm have surreal dreams about the past. They're like seeing still snapshots of things that happened rather than reliving the trauma. And when they happen, I am not upset in any fashion. If anything, I'm annoyed. Freyr assures me that this is a sign that I am truly making progress integrating it all. I dearly hope that is the case. But, it is weird to see the terrible things happen in still images from random moments of the experience. I think the strangeness of it serves to insulate me from the horror to some extent. Thus, I am thankful for it.
Aside from the surreal dreams, I have started having a dream where a veiled female figure is sitting on a throne illuminated by some kind of spotlight in a dark hall. In the dream, I walk the length of the hall but it fades before I get close enough to see her clearly. While the Filianic interpretation of the dream would suggest either Sai Rhavë or, in the worst case, the Dark Queen, I don't think this is the case. In my past encounters with Sai Rhavë, she has appeared as a tall, solemn woman of great age whose manner of dress is akin to that of a Greek Orthodox woman in black. And she is always carrying a scythe or sickle. Also, Sai Rhavë appears to me standing in a field that has been or is being harvested. Sometimes she is holding dried flowers and other times a bowl with decaying fruit. But this veiled woman in my dream does not have any of the energy of Sai Rhavë to her. Nor does she have the ... menace of the Dark Queen.
I have felt a brush of the Dark Queen's energy. It was perhaps one of the most terrifying psychic experiences I have had. I could describe it, but I suspect that doing so would invite her attention. She is a thing of nightmares. She is the mother of all sorrows and agony. Even as I type this, I have made the sign of the Silver Star and give thanks for Sai Vikhë's protection. (Where Sai Vikhë appears for many to look like Athena or Kali, to me she looks alternately as a shield-maiden or a modern female infantryman. It is interesting to watch her interact with the gods. She and Freyja get on like a house afire. And they look almost to be sisters in apperance. It is fascinating.)
But this female figure, I am most certain it is not Hel. I have seen Hel. I have been in her hall and in her presence. This figure is not the Queen of the Dead. And this place is not Helheim. Helheim is not all darkness. It is not all austerity. It is a peaceful place where tired souls find their rest and comfort after the journey of life. This dark place that I have gone to in my dreams is a cold place and silent. Helheim is not silent. It may be still and quiet, but it is not utter silence like this place. It makes me question if this veiled woman is an aspect of my psyche and what she has to teach me.