11/25/16

Load the berth.

I'm all out of spoons right now. Please forgive my failure to note things like lunar phase, sign, and such. I am still unwell and in a lot of pain. As a result, it has made it difficult to think of much or get organized enough to do anything. I am frustrated and miserable. Also, I am anxious and terribly self conscious.

Earlier today, I was laying in bed trying to wait for my OTC medication to kick in for pain. I was perseverating on how much I was worried that I was an inconvenience and problem for Beloved. As I was sitting there quietly freaking out, Ingvi set a hand on my brow. He said to me, "What are you supposed to do with your panic when it is time to rest?" I just sort of mentally froze. I was too wrapped up in feeling badly and spiraling into panic to really get it.

He showed me an image from the dream where we first had this conversation sometime last year (I think). We were standing on a pier and his ship was moored on the left side. Beside me was a staggeringly large pile of boxes, trunks, and all other assorted forms of luggage. It represented everything from my daily worries about if the apartment was clean enough to my insecurities about how loveable I am to my even deeper issues. He picked up one of the boxes which was actually a wooden crate almost half as tall as I was. He walked over to the ship, stepped on board, and secured it in the hold. He then looked at me with a mild expression that was something between exasperation and ... I don't know, something I can't find a word for right now.

So, I began mentally boxing up my present anxieties and giving them to him. Boxes that seemed enormous and impossibly heavy, he lifted with all the ease that would come with a small box of tissues and set them in his ship. The hold did not fill up, as I worried it would. (That went into a box of its own - something that looked like an iron chest.) The ship did not seem weighted down for the cargo. To get me out of my solemness, Ingvi started whistling, singing, and generally being cheerful about it all. At one point, he actually began juggling boxes. That was what broke my very serious demeanor, by the way.

I felt myself moving into sleep as he took me by the hand and lead me to a place where I could rest with him. My pain was still present, but it did not cause me the emotional distress it was.

No comments: