July for Loki: Post no. 8

 An excerpt from the Lokean devotional that I'm working on this month.

A Lokean Creed

I believe in Loki. I believe in the early days of Midgard that Loki, with Odin and Hoenir, gave humanity their shape, nature, life essence, and all of the comely hues of humanity. I believe that Loki is mighty and benevolent. I believe that Loki is the Lie-Smith who speaks the unwelcome truth. I belive that Loki is the Bound-god who walks free. I believe that Loki is the Giver of Strange Gifts and the wondrous treasures of the Aesir. I believe that Loki is both mother and father to wondrous and mighty children. I believe that Loki is the Sky-Treader and the companion of the Traveler. I believe that Loki is the Tangler and the breaker of knots as the World-Breaker. I believe that Loki, as the World-Breaker, brings change and serves the Norns in his mischief unto the end of Ages and the time of the renewal of all things.

Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy

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There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.

Still plugging away.

Waning Thunder Moon (age: 16 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Humid, seasonably warm

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I have nothing of note really to post this evening. I had planned to do a small ritual for the full moon and then life happened. I've been struggling with depression for a little while now. It has made it hard for me to keep up on my daily devotions and my responsibilities around the home. I pray every day to the gods but right now I just don't feel their presence. It is very discouraging to feel this way.

I tell myself that it will pass, like it does every month, but it is still gut wrenching. I suppose the hardest part about being depressed right now is the fact that I have so very many reasons not to be depressed. The weather is nice. I have some strawberries growing in the planter that are just now getting ripe. The black raspberries are getting ripe, so I will have some to harvest very soon. Last Tuesday, I cleaned up my altar space and put down a runner that I love. I then placed out some offerings to the gods, including the first of the strawberries that are off my little plant and a cutting of mint from my prolific plant on the back deck.

It felt like a hollow gesture. A part of me says that I am just spinning my wheels when I pray or lay out offerings right now. I know it is my depression talking. It doesn't make it any easier to bear. As hard as it is to do what little I can in observances right now, I am still going to make the effort. I don't want to fall out of the habit of reaching towards the gods because it will be that much harder to resume the practice later.

Make every action a prayer.

Waning Hay Moon (age: 28 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, fair skies

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It has been rather busy around here. This is literally the first opportunity I have had to post anything here. I have been engaged in a lot of prayer over the last month. Health issues lead to a period of convalescence in a hospital in July. During this time, I spent a great deal of effort in prayer. As I get life back to normal around home, the focus on prayer has not shifted.

Indeed, I have moved from quietly murmuring something as I moved about the room to keeping a prayerful mind as I engaged in my tasks during the day. It was a comforting counterpoint and change from the habit of worry.  It was surprisingly easy to dedicate my efforts towards the Divine. Even when I was engaged in serious introspection this afternoon, I took a moment to dedicate those efforts to the Gods.

It may seem a bit silly to some and overly pious to others. After all, something as mundane as washing dishes is not the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of a contemplative prayer. Most people think of a monk or a similar person cloistered in a still, silent location with all of their focus on the Divine. While there is a place for such devotional activities, most of us don't have that luxury of freedom from distractions. 

This is where I draw inspiration from *gasp* the Catholic St. Therese of Lisieux. She taught and practiced what she called the Little Way. It was by small, daily acts of kindness and compassion to all about her that St. Therese developed herself spiritually. If something as simple as taking the cracked cup that others didn't want could build such a wise soul, surely it can prove of equal use in honoring the Divine. I have read her autobiography several times and I highly recommend it.

I confess, I draw a great deal of inspiration from medieval Catholicism. I find comfort in doing my best to pray every day at all times. I can not always sing chants in honor of the deities I follow. I can, however, dedicate what work I do to them. Thus, I strive to build a devotional relationship that will sustain me during the times of difficulty that come. 

It is this relationship that I find comfort in when nothing else can sooth my troubled heart. For, in putting daily effort into devotional activity, I open up a channel whereby the Divine may return the contact. I am honestly confused by how others can subsist on limited weekly contact. I look at that type of life and I am confused. To live with such a meager amount of conscious exchange with the Divine seems to me torment.

The Divine is all about me. Everything I encounter and experience is an aspect of it. Even that which most others would term as 'evil' is a piece of the Divine. All things flow from this source and remain part of it. To shut my eyes to this is foolish, for even in the darkness behind my lids, the Divine is still present. Thus, I do my best to deeply engage in worship, so that I may be better attuned to the flow of the will of the Divine. In such attunement, I have found nothing less then pure ecstasy and a peace that I can not express in words.

Pagan Blog Project: F - Focus

It may seem a little odd that I am writing about focus or the ability to concentrate intently but it is a really important aspect of my practices. And I believe wholeheartedly that it should be part of the discussion of rituals and all spell craft. It is, as I understand it, part of the fundamental skill set for successful religious practice, regardless of any religion practiced.

I have encountered a lot of neophyte witches and seekers who are very unfocused. They want to learn but are overwhelmed by what is available to them. I have a good friend who is in many ways struggling with this. (Yes, I'm talking about you Teal. :D) It is very important to be able to sit down and concentrate on something that you are working on.

This is seen in education, professional sports, and everything inbetween. In the sphere of the matter of religion, our ability to focus helps us considerably when we go to pray. Prayer has become something of an object of study for me recently. I have been undergoing some learning experiences and finding that my own ability to focus my mind leaves room for improvement. This, however, does not disqualify me from exhorting others to engage in the same work.

Indeed, I suspect it makes me especially well qualified for this discussion. Academics have their own set of exercises to help us learn to control our minds. Different spiritual practices have different techniques for focusing one's thoughts upon points of contemplation. We, as witches and pagans, should devise our own. While there is no harm in using the techniques that have been successful for others, establishing our own set of practices helps to tailor them to our unique needs.

In a perfect world, I think that all religions would have someone available to teach its members how to pray, how to meditate, how to contemplate, and how to step aside and leave matters in the care of the Divine. Sadly, most of us are stumbling around and groping in the proverbial dark to find our way to wisdom. Experience has shown me time and again, that one of the light switches that helps us illuminate our ignorance and reveal the truths buried beneath it is our ability to focus our minds.

That, however, is my opinion.

Psychology vs faith (aka i hate c-PTSD)

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, cold & windy
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I sit here at the keyboard chilled in body and mind. The shawl I am wearing may warm me up physically but this psychological chill is harder to shake. I live with a myriad of psychological disorders. Until recently, it seems like they didn't have much of an impact on my faith and how I expressed it. Now that I sit and look at it, however, I must admit that they have run roughshod over an enormous part of my expression and put limitations on how I experience my faith.

For the longest time, the experience of a maternal Goddess was infrequent for me. Not because the Goddess wasn't maternal. It was because I tended to shut down when it happened. I dissociated, at best, or I panicked. Now this has spread to my relationship with Loki. This is very upsetting for me.

Loki is a father figure for me. He's a friend and close companion. To have it happen where I can't cut through the panic to hear his reply when I pray, it scares me. My spirit guides tell me that this is normal for someone who has borne as much trauma as I have. They tell me that this is temporary and it will be relieved soon.

One of the last messages that came clearly from Loki was that I should find someone to act as his mouthpiece. A person to facilitate a conversation between him and I. At the time, I said 'ok.' and then put it on the mental back burner because I was eyeball deep in nonsense with other matters. Now, I sit here and I realize that directive was in preparation for this time.

I don't know how long this is going to be. I hope it'll be only a few days. I didn't realize how much I bantered with him and I had come to depend upon his input until just now. He said it was to be for a conversation. I feel a significant amount of dread right now. I'm fearful that I am going to discover that the Loki I speak to in that conversation is going to be very different from the sarcastic, smartass and sincere Loki that I've come to know. That what I have experienced is not Loki but rather what I wished for Loki to be.

I hate this.

Conversations with the Goddess #1

Full Wolf Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonably cold, mostly sunny
& occasional flurries
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I have been having apparently an on going conversation with the Goddess over the last several days. A part of me says I should just leave this in my journal while another part says it should be shared, in case some one else is going through the same kind of experience. The italicized text is myself and the regular text is the Lady. I hope that this provides some measure of comfort to anyone out there.
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1/5/12

Holy Goddess, you call upon me to minister to the forgotten. You call me to develop prayers to open up the way of contemplation to the common man. You call on me to be a vehicle of your boundless love. I know I am blessed among your daughters. I remain constant in my faith in you despite the horrors and tragedies I have experienced in my life.

I am unsure where to begin in writing the prayers. You have shown me the tools you want people to use. You have left me unsure what name I should use to invoke you. You have given me great blessings and I feel self conscious asking for anything more.

Do you ever deny your child of the right to ask questions of you?

No.

Why, then, should I? Your mother was a poor mothr in many respects but never did she deny you your right to inquire.

By what name do I invoke you?

Mother or Great Mother is sufficient. Some see me as Mary or Isis. Some speak of me as Diana and others name me Dana. A thousand names may be given but they do not even begin to describe me. I am the Star Queen and the Death Hag. I am all these things and more. I am within you when you minister to the unfortunate and when you care for your children, for My children.

You are Mother even as you are priestess, seer, and mystic. You are my well beloved child in whom I am well pleased. I pour out my blessings like rain so that you may grow and thrive. So that you may share them with others. Ask simply when you are in need, with an open and honest heart, as a little child would ask. The Daughters of Dea know only me and reject my male half. This is not a flaw or error, but what they need. You see through to the truth. All things are of me and no man needs saving.
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1/8/12

[...] Is it hubris to keep back my pain in the hope to lessen the sorrows of the Mother?

What mother gives her child poison and claims it is good food and medicine. What mother does not weep at her daughter's sorrows and laugh with her joys. Ever have I celebrated you and praised you. And your kindness.

You fear me. I do not want this. I do not want your fear but rather your love. I want you to come unto me as a little child. You are a Queen in your own right, but ever on shall you be a little girl in the eyes of the Universe.

Invoke me always and keep my name on your lips. Celebrate your triumphs no matter how small. Show me your joys and treasures. Come to me for comfort in your sorrow and pain.

Do not feel shame for seeking comfort. I am your Mother and I love you. I could no more reject you then you could reject your own sons.

Lay down your burden. Do not fear. Simply be.

First post of the new Solar year.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign of Cancer
Weather: Unseasonably warm,
cloudy w/ intermittent rain showers
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Ave, Dea Madre! Gloria Plena!

It is the eve of the Full Moon. I have strung a fifteen decade Goddess rosary. As I strung the beads, I prayed. It sits upon my altar now, after I have taken it out into the night and shown it (and my other personal prayer beads) to the moon.

I meditated upon the Mother. I prayed to the Mother.

My heart breaks for the gulf of distance between my human Mother and I. It isn't that she lives on the other side of the country or that there is some great physical distance between her and I. It is an emotional distance. One that I suspect she is beginning to realize is the result of her mistreatment of me.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the first, secret pregnancy. Even as I was terrified that I'd be forced to marry the monster that had raped me, I was thrilled to carry within me a little Life. When I miscarried, I was heartbroken. I kept secret my mourning.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my eldest son. I thought of the joyful anticipation and excitement I felt. I felt that I was truly one of the most blessed women in all the world.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my youngest son. I thought of the times when I wasn't filled with confusion and terror. In its place, there was a blessed sense of peace, gratitude, joy, and anticipation.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the argument between my mother and I that set off the chain of events that brought me to the current state of affairs. I was torn between the desire to simply pass off her words as braggadocio and the horror I felt that she had gone so far as to threaten small, defenseless children in an effort to manipulate me. I was torn between my love for her and doing what was just.

I find myself seized with the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call my parents. To just tell them that I love them before I go to bed.

Goddess help me, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is it to reconcile with them or to remain distant? I pray. I meditate. I cast cards and throw runes. All things leave only that question hanging in the air. There is no sign either way, so I remain where I am at.

I feel on the verge of weeping. Even the Wolf's Father's kindness isn't penetrating this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I am doing my best to leave this in the Mother's hands, but I feel like I have cut out my beating heart and laid it bleeding upon the altar. I don't know if it is the altar of my conscience, the altar of justice, or the altar of the Gods.

I only know that I hurt and that I miss my mother, as crazy and flawed that she is.

A pagan rosary.

For months now, I have been doing research and study upon the rosary. I have examined the structure of the Catholic rosary. I have looked at and carefully considered the various pagan rosaries that I have found. I have even given careful consideration and study to the Goddess Rosary of the Daughters of Dea. They all approach something akin to what I feel pulled towards and called to do, but do not meet it.

I feel unworthy of the task of setting prayers to a witches' rosary. Even so, I find myself pushed farther down that path. Loki has remained silent upon this matter, stating that this is between myself and the goddess. Not a specific goddess, just the goddess. So, I must get over myself and give my best effort to begin crafting this set of prayers.

I have a set of beads. I have mysteries I contemplate as I handle them. I simply lack the prayers to recite. Here is my attempt. I am drawing off of the structure of the Catholic rosary and the Deanist rosary. I ask that any who wish to use these prayers to kindly do so upon one they have fashioned. I find it potentially offensive to take one fashioned for a Christian to pray upon and use it in this fashion. Offending deities or people who happen to be about you simply is rude.

On the terminal (this would be the cross on a Christian rosary)
I believe in the Goddess, Mother of all Life
I believe in the God, Father of all
I believe in the Nameless One, the unity of all that is in eternity*
I believe in the gods of my ancestors
And in the gods of my children

On the first bead after the terminal
Glory to the Gods, I believe in You

On the second, third, and fourth beads after the terminal
Hail, High Holy Ones
May your Names be blessed
Pour forth upon us wisdom
And guide us in Your ways

On the first bead after the medallion, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Conception and the time of beginnings] then add
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Incarnation and beginnings] then add
Oh Great Mother of All
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Mother of All
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Growth and Action] then add
Oh Holy Maiden
Oh Holy Hart in the Wood
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail to the Maiden
Hail to the Stag
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Maturity and completion] and add
Oh Horned One
And Great Crone
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail Horned One, Lord of Life and Death
Hail Great Crone, Lady of Mysteries
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the next mystery you shall be meditating upon
[For example: Death, the world of Spirit, and the Unknown] and say
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the medallion
Blessed be the High Holy Ones
Blessed be the Goddess and God
Blessed be the Nameless and Infinite

Hear my prayers
May it be that they please you
And bless the world

So mote it be

*The Nameless and Infinite One is the unity of all divinity, incomprehensible in its vastness. It is devoid of specific gender because it is male, female, and neutral all at the same time.

Thoughts on Invocations.

Full Blood Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Aires
Weather: Mild, overcast.
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I've been reading a book titled Modern Spirituality. It focuses predominantly upon Christian spiritual writings. It has been an interesting read so far. It got me to thinking about invocations. An essay in this book discusses the name of Jesus as a vehicle for prayer. It was most enlightening to read. I had not considered this method of invocation before. It was so simple that I felt rather foolish for not having realized it existed.

The essay exhorts the reader to meditate upon Jesus as they state his name. The reader is then guided to consider the recitation of Jesus's name as entering into communion^[1] with him. The author admonishes the reader not to force this feeling of intimate connection but rather to allow it to arise naturally as they engage in contemplation.

It lead me to think about my experience of invocations. I don't believe I have ever experienced anything like that. I have experienced the very direct and immediate presence of the gods, but it was like being a stone cast into a river. I've understood invocations to be a request of the presence of the one being invoked. I had never considered it as a means of experiencing their presence.

Flame-hair makes his presence known regularly. The words that meet you upon going to this online shrine for him does a relatively good job of describing one of the more common ways he makes his presence known. As I have read about the experiences of others, I'm increasingly realizing that the Sly-one and I don't have the typical deity-worshiper relationship. After all, how many people can point to Loki as one of their comforters during times of distress?

It inspires me to consider what other deities I could come to experience such a personal relationship with.

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1. I am using the term communion in terms of the 4th definition posted on Dictionary.com.

Prayers & Beads

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, seasonably warm with
rain expected later in the evening
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I've been attempting to compose prayers to use with my prayer beads but it has been difficult to find the right fit. I suspect, however, that others may find them helpful for their own practices. Feel free to use them with my blessing. If you wish to use them upon your website, please remember to attribute it to me.

Oh Holy One of All Names and Forms
Guide me, your sacred Child
Upon the path of Life and Wisdom.
Teach me to forgive and bless myself
As I forgive and bless others.
Give to me what I need to grow
In to a reflection of You.

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Blessed Mother of All, Font of Grace
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me true Peace.

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All Father, Stag of Sacrifice, He Who is Cut Down
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me the meaning of true Honor

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Oh Holy Ones, enter into my heart as Love.

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Hail, Thee who is Nameless!
Blessed Bringer of Life
You are with me.
Blessed am I, your child
And blessed is all the World in You.
Protect us now from evil and guide us to wisdom.
Your Love be upon us always.

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A Litany for the Victims

Deliver all victims from Oppression
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Abuse
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from War
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Hate
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Evil
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Poverty
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Excess
Heal their wounds

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I tried patterning prayers upon the ones that I have seen elsewhere. Of these only the Litany above and Hail, Thee who is Nameless resonate with me. I have spent the last hour searching through the older volumes of my Book of Shadows only to find a scant few copied pages from websites from my first few attempts to use prayer beads. It was a most dis-satisfactory experience and the pages got buried. It is amusing in some warped way that these pages that I copied are the same ones that I am finding now.

Prayer beads and such things.

Moon: Waning Corn moon (age:19 days)
Moon Sign: Aries
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm
& drought status less severe
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I have continued to do research regarding the practice of prayer beads in the pagan community. This appears to be the best source I have found so far. It is very frustrating. I see there are quite a few references to pagans using prayer beads but very little is actually said. I at first considered adapting the Catholic rosary but that is not going to work for me and feels more then a little disrespectful.

So I've decided to try applying a few pagan chants. On a whim, I attempted to translate some of the more well known ones into Latin. The results are below

We all come from the Goddess and to her we shall return -- nos adveho ex dea quod ut suus nos vadum reverto

The Earth is our mother -- orbis terrarum est nostrum matris

To say the least, the Latin translation was clumsy and generally not looking like it was going to be successful. Donald Engstrom-Reese advises we consider the intention of our prayer beads on his page. When we consider the purpose of prayer beads at large, it becomes clear that it is to serve as a vehicle for one to meditate upon the sacred Mysteries of their faith, the repetition of a set prayers, and free the mind for an ecstatic experience of the Divine.

I tried my hand at arranging a set of prayers for my use on a rosary but it just lead to much frustration. I feel drawn to this. Quite powerfully so, but I am at a loss for where to start. There is a veritable mountain of information about Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist prayer beads. There's even information about Unitarian Universalists and their prayer bead practices.

I encounter countless pages offering to sell me prayer beads but little in the way of information on how prayers are structured. I approach this like I approach writing poetry in a form that is unfamiliar to me. I want to learn as much as I can about how others write in that style and form before I make the attempt. It seems, however, that I may just be breaking new ground here.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with that. Actually, I feel very uncomfortable with that. I feel disheartened and, well, sad. I look for some sort of sign posts to guide me and I can't really find any for my faith. Ah well, if the Gods are pushing me forward on this path, then I suppose I'm going to wind up there one way or the other. It's easier to go with them then to resist. Resisting only makes things more uncomfortable.

A Goddess Rosary?

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
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I've been feeling drawn to reciting a rosary of sorts. For the last several weeks, this urge has grown stronger. I am convinced that this is not a simple matter of whimsy by the persistence and depth of this urge. While I am familiar with the Catholic rosary, it does not correctly address this need of mine. The Deanists have a rosary that is in many ways similar to the Catholic one but it also doesn't fit quite what my need is. And as I have been studying and researching this intently, I have come to the conclusion that this is a spiritual need.

Oddly enough, I have also been finding myself drawn to contemplating if the concept of sin fits into my world view. The catechism of the Catholics and the Deanists both speak of sin. It is challenging for me to consider this because I must first overcome the Christian concept of sin which is so very pervasive in our society. It is a debilitating concept and one that I reject down to the marrow of my bones. It was a part of Catholicism that just didn't sit right with me when I was seriously considering converting, even.

As I was running errands earlier this evening, a thought struck me. If the definition of sin (the noun) is to transgress against Divine law, my self hatred/loathing would clearly be that. It is a violation of the Lady's law of Perfect Love*. The simplicity of this was in many ways earth shaking. There was no 'fall from Grace' or conscious rejection of this divine law from a willful mind, choosing to embrace some malefic path. It was just that I was in error by way of unhealthy habits, habits which I am striving to correct.

I was then at a proverbial crossroads. Do I engage in some borrowed ritual of penance? Do I devise my own ritual of penance? Or perhaps beg forgiveness from the Lady? Do I strive to correct my error and beseech the Lady's blessing and aid in my endeavors? I was a tad confused. Much of my theological training and education did not directly address this matter and I felt as though I was treading unbroken ground. It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least.

I had never felt the need, even in my times of dire desperation and crisis, to throw myself at the feet of the Gods and beg for anything in as abject and piteous a fashion that I could muster. The rituals of penance that I could devise or otherwise subject myself to would have been empty. As such, logically I can not do such a ritual because it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me. Begging forgiveness from the Lady struck me as an empty act as well. I know full well what the response would be, "Forgive thyself." Thus, I returned to the final option, which was to correct my error.

I admit, I feel uneasy asking the Lady's blessing and aid in this effort. A part of me says that I am not worthy of such assistance and that my problems are too small to merit such a request. It is, however, the same place that my self hatred/loathing springs from, thus I must reject it. I am unsure, however, just how to phrase such a request. I am unsure just what this has to do with the urge for a rosary of my own. It is mildly upsetting to be so confused and conflicted on this point.

Logic demands to know what the objective of a rosary practice would be. For the Catholics, it is the vehicle by which they contemplate the sacred mysteries of their faith. The same is true for the Deanists. For other witches, the rosary is a tool by which they cast spells, strengthen their relationship with the Gods, and meditate. I don't know how a rosary would serve me, what it's function would be in my practices. I only know that I am pulled, prodded, and pushed down the path of using one by the Lady.

I had hoped that I would stumble upon something that would answer my needs in the course of my research. Instead, I find only more questions, frustration, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction with what I find. Perhaps I should write my own prayers rather then take from other sources their freely shared prayers, I don't know. I only know that I have a deep desire to engage in this practice and I don't know why or what I would be seeking to accomplish. I feel a great deal of confusion. Perhaps the Lady will bless me with clarity.

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* An exegesis upon this element of the Charge of the Goddess will be posted soon.

A meditation upon the Charge of the Goddess

Moon: Waxing Mead moon (age: 13 days)
Moon Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Fair, seasonably mild
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Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.

~ Starhawk

I have been thinking quite a bit about the Charge of the Goddess recently. It's the closest to a Creed or profession of faith that can be found in modern Wicca. It is a luminous document that is filled with a great deal of depth and bespeaks of a mystery that lies beneath almost all religions: self-actualization and union with the Divine.

I have been stumbling again in my efforts to grow healthy and whole. It is hard for me to express deep and unconditional love for myself. My spell to bolster this hasn't borne any obvious and dramatic changes. It is, however, the way that spell craft works. It's not like some Hollywood glamor that goes off with a flash and suddenly transforms everything within it's reach. Instead, it is like changing the flow of a river by adding rocks. It is a slow process, but each stone added adjusts the flow ever so much until soon the whole river is moving along a new course.

I am working to become more accepting of all of my traits. It has been difficult work and at times it has been frightening. It requires changing what had been my (flawed) world view and (flawed) self image. I have been finding myself feeling proud of my accomplishments and making an effort to reach out to others (despite my debilitating social anxieties). I take this as a sign that the magic is working. I have been progressively becoming healthier in body and (hopefully) in mind. I am becoming more forgiving of myself and (slowly) less demanding.

One may ask how all of this relates to the Charge of the Goddess, especially the section I quoted above. There's a few different ways it ties back to this. First, we are taught that all acts of love and pleasure are Her rites. Love and pleasure are two separate things. It has been a tremendous act of self-love to strive to become healthier. It has taken a great deal of dedication and effort to reach where I am today, let alone progress farther down this path. Pleasure has made itself known in my life in small ways. Things like delighting in the fresh herbs I've been growing and the ripe berries on the wild black berry bushes in the back yard, or the sound of my children's laughter, these have been my sources of pleasure. While I'd be delighted to have a larger share of pleasure in my life, I will continue to engage in the acts of love as my daily prayers.

I have been seeking to know the Goddess within me. It has been a difficult task. I have been sifting through a lifetime of paralyzing self-doubt, criticism, and fear to find the glimmers of that which is really who I am. All women are a face of the Goddess just as all men are a face of the God. Even people who drive me to fits of frustration are faces of the unknowable Divine. It is my effort to know the face of the Goddess as reflected in my mirror every morning that will lead me to enlightenment and wisdom, along with health in mind, body, and soul.

Lastly, I have been striving very hard to embody the love that the Goddess and God have for all that is (for it is all a face of their Beloved). It is challenging to remember that love does not mean being a doormat and that sometimes it demands that we confront others regarding their behavior. It is especially challenging to remember that last bit. Still, I continue to make my efforts to be assertive and express my needs just as I would expect any other adult of sound mind to do in their relationships with their Beloved.

In it all, I remember that I am always within the 'magic circle of protection'. Unlike Ceremonialists, I don't need a symbol sketched out upon the ground to remind me of the sanctity of where I walk. My circle is the cycle of the day, the arms of my lover, the love of my family, the great horizon, the sphere of the Moon and Sun, and so much more that simply can not be expressed in mere words. I live within a blessed sphere and in the hands of the Gods. Somedays it is hard for me to remember that and then there are nights like tonight, where I see the Moon and feel blessings pouring out upon me in her silvery rays.

Musings on Spinning

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous (10 days old)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm & cool front just passed in the last few hours
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As I have gotten more involved with the ancient craft of spinning, I have been attempting to find out old legends, stories, and wisdom regarding it. This has proven frustratingly elusive. I suspect that this class of legends have passed out of the folk memory with the exception of a few that were written down (like the Fates spinning out a man's life as a thread or Frigga spinning the clouds). I believe that with the advent of modern machine oriented textile production, the old stories were lost. And that is something that makes me sad.

The more I use my spindle and distaff, the more I feel a connection to my female ancestors. The more I find I feel a connection with the Goddess. I have been spinning a lot lately. The fiber I have been using isn't long enough to merit using my distaff, but one of my small collection of distaffs has a prized place upon my altar. It is in part a tool of my age old domestic craft and in part a sacred object. (I'm very much a kitchen witch in that respect.) My spindles are either busily in use or waiting for use. They're not still long enough to gather dust.

And I feel that work is sacred. Not what people uphold as the dreaded four letter connotation - that soul crushing, mind numbing thing which has all the feel of slavery in it's grip upon mankind is most definitely not what I view as sacred. Indeed, that I believe could be argued as profanity. No, work is the life sustaining tasks we engage in. The things we do out of love and necessity for the sake of ourselves, our families, and that which we believe in. The man who has a job he feels proud of and feels that he is contributing to his life and the lives of others... that man is engaged in the holy form of work. The one who is just dragging himself through the day for a paycheck, he is suffering a perversion of that first form of work.

I suppose all of that makes one question where my 'hobby' of spinning fits into this. I have several reasons why I spin. First, I spin because I enjoy it and it soothes me. As a person who suffers with anxiety on a daily basis, it is vital that I have something that helps me keep my mind at ease. With out it, I can scarcely function, let alone be a good mother and wife. Secondly, I spin because I feel a sacred connection to my ancestors and the Goddess. To engage in a task so intimately connected with the lives of those who founded my line and so sacred that the Goddess herself engaged in it... it is an act of worship and meditation to do so. Thirdly, I spin because I then can make useful and helpful things from my efforts. I can take raw fiber and eventually have hats and scarves for my husband and children.

Sure, I suppose I could go and buy all of my yarn at the local WalMart. There's lots of lovely colors and synthetic yarn is a lot easier to care for. At the same time, however, I can't shake the feeling that it is ecologically more responsible for me to spin. I am not depending upon the labor of some person who is being exploited to run a dangerous piece of equipment in a fiber mill in some third-world country. I'm not adding to the coffers of businesses that poison the earth with their chemical byproducts in producing the raw material for those synthetic fibers used in those mills.

Oh, I still will get some of that synthetic yarn, but I am gradually moving away from my dependency upon it. I am doing my best to start using more recycled yarn. I am beginning to comb the second hand shops for sweaters and similar items to frog and fashion into new things. I have been collecting bits and pieces of yarn that are left overs from other projects I have done to use in things like scarves and baby blankets. The more I do along these thrifty lines, the more I feel better about what I am doing. And still I spin.

When I am happy, I spin. When I am sad or fearful, I spin. When I am inspired, I spin. When I am devoid of even a remote flash of inspiration, I spin. With each turn of the spindle, each twist of the fiber, and each moment of time I am spinning, I pray. I wonder if my prayers are the same as my ancestresses.

I pray for peace of mind. I pray for the health and well being of my loved ones. I pray for justice for the wronged. I pray for health for the world and for all people of the world to know at least one good night's sleep. I pray for blessings to be infused into my work to bring well being to the person who eventually receives or wears what I make. I pray that those who bring evil into the world are opposed and eventually put to rights.

I also secretly pray for more fiber to spin, at times. I pray that my spindles won't break. I pray that I will continue to improve in my efforts to learn this craft. I pray that I actually master the knitting techniques I have been stumbling and struggling with. I pray that the materials I am using will prove strong enough to be used for any future project, be it weaving, knitting, crochet, or some other textile art form.

It's a whole lot for a twirling stick with some fiber wrapped around it. Perhaps, just perhaps, I will get glimmers of what my ancestresses thought of and did as they spun. I know one thing, I am going to continue to pray and spin for a long time.

A thought on Prophecy

Moon Phase: Waxing Strawberry Moon (5 days old)
Moon Sign: Leo
Weather: Fair skies, warm
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I was emailing a dear friend of mine when I briefly touched upon the subject of the Sight. The Sight, also known as Second Sight, is precognitive visionary experiences. Everyone experiences it at some point in their life, even if they pass it off as deja vu. Some of us are afflicted with it much more frequently. It... It doesn't work like how some people would like it to. We can't predict winning lotto numbers or sport's scores. If we happen to See something pertaining to economic things, it's usually a very general thing because of how big the world's economy is. So, psychics can't really make a proverbial killing on the floors of the Stock Exchange either.

Sometimes, we see things about weather. Sometimes we see things about family events, be it a crisis or a happy occasion. Rarely do we See something pertaining to ourselves. Second Sight is really more of a burden at times then it is the stereotypical 'blessing' that it would popularly be assumed to be. Some of us live our lives in fear of being declared insane, so we keep our revelations to ourselves unless it is utterly necessary to express them. And when we do communicate what has been mystically revealed to us, it is usually to a small group of people, people we trust intimately.

Prophecy... Prophecy is different from the Sight. It is more then the flash of intuition or the brief vision. Prophecy is direct communication from the divine. It can be sublime and wonderful or it can be terrifying. Either way, no one comes away from the experience unchanged.

For me... For me prophecy is more frequently a frightening experience. As I described it earlier tonight, it is as though I am caught in a violent storm and threatened to be swept away by the wind and rising mystical tied. I feel my mouth fill with words. It is as though something heavy is on my tongue and yet... There are times where music seems to just burst from within me, though I don't know where it comes from. The times where I feel music bursting... those are blessed moments where I know that the prophecy is a happy thing. In either case, I tremble and feel as though my blood is afire.

I don't talk about when these things happen to me. I learned very early on that to do so was dangerous. People took these kinds of things very badly. So, I kept it secret for a very long time. It, however, is beginning to happen more frequently again. While I don't like the feeling that I'm going to be swept away, I know that prophecy never comes from a place of evil. It humbles me. It teaches me. And ... I suppose I am blessed by the experience.

I just fear how my fellow man will take the things that the Gods whisper into my soul.

Falling into old patterns

Waxing Strawberry Moon
Phase: Waxing (4 days old) Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, warm but seasonably so

It's been a busy last few weeks. This is the second weekend that I have gotten plants and did gardening. The flowerbed has yellow and orange flower seeds planted (marigold and nasturtium). I also have an orange-pink geranium (which seems to be doing quite well) and a orange snapdragon (which doesn't look too good right now). The neighbor downstairs gave me bulbs for orange tulips and blue hyacinth. I think I'll be digging up and replanting the paper-whites daffodils that never came up. I found that I missed some when I was working on transplanting them last year.

I'm going to try putting them into a deep pot and giving them some fertilizer. With luck, I'll get some healthy plants out of them. Right now, the poor things are so bedraggled and frail that you'd think they were just this side of dead. My Mother-in-law suggested that the problem is that they weren't buried deep enough last year (the ones in the flowerbed) and agrees that with the others it is a lack of sun. To say the least, I will be fetching another pot for these little dears and casting health related spells for them.

In the midst of my gardening, I repotted my wilted looking ivy. You could just about see the little thing perk up as I watered it. I also took my red miniature rose and repotted it too. I split the entangled roots apart, placed each plant into a pot, and watered them heartily. Over the next few days, I expect that they'll flourish. Goddess willing, these plants will do so. One of the three remains on my altar. Just over the last few hours, it has appeared to grown stronger and healthier. I think that the repotting was just what was needed.

I now have several herbs growing in pots along the wall beside the flowerbed. I have a pot of thyme which I honestly don't know if it's going to recover well or not. It was looking pretty close to dead when I got it. I have two pots of chives (gifted to me from my MiL and repotted because they didn't seem to be doing well in the big pot they were all in). I gave away a third pot of chives to my neighbor downstairs. He was quite delighted to get it and immediately started talking about how he had missed using fresh herbs in his cooking. I have a pot of basil that is doing much better then when I had initially gotten it. The basil looked as poorly as the thyme is when I got it last week. It gives me hope for the thyme.

In addition to these, I have a sweet green bell pepper plant in a generously sized pot. I have little tiny blooms on it. This makes me quite happy. I also have three strawberry plants. Two in one pot and one in the other. They are starting to get blossoms on them. I'm trying to decide if I should pollinate them with a paintbrush or if I want to wait and see if the bees will come by to do it for me. I have two pots of marigold growing on the back deck (where the strawberries are) and a pot with several ivy cuttings in it. I also have the cuttings from MiL's southern-wood and fuchsia back there in a pot.

I am flirting with the thought of repotting my houseplants. The African violet is looking unwell. It is a tough call as to if it is getting too much light or if it's rootbound. I need to do a little more research on that. I also have noticed that one of my snakeplants is looking a little worse for wear as well. I believe that some of this is because the pot is too small and some of it is because there's too many plants in that pot. I may do this bit of 'indoor gardening' later this week.

So, my title of this may seem odd when you view my ramblings about plants and such. I need to put it in to a little context here. First off, I have fallen back into the habit of doing things according to moon-phase again. I weeded and aerated the flowerbed during the waning moon. This was to cast out the unwanted influences on the planting that was going to happen. I've been doing my plantings with the new and waxing moon, to draw in the increasing healthful energies. Thus magically tying my plantings to the waxing moon and sun's energies.

My choice of herbs is a combination of culinary and magical. I won't go on about the uses of them. There's enough herbals out there to describe them. The use of the colors yellow, orange, and red in my choices of flowers (even the hanging basket- it has yellow pansies) is to bring vitality and life into my home and to bless us all with well being. I want to get a set of wind chimes to hang off the shepherd's crook to evoke the blessings of the Gods with each ring. I also want to place into the flowerbed subtle images that call to mind the Gods that I hold devotion for.

Many people have churches they go to. I have my flowerbed to use as my focus for prayer, meditation, and spiritual expression. I'm not ready to take on the shade bed yet. I may do so in a few weeks. Perhaps I'll be blessed enough to locate some hostas and similar plants within my budget or given to me as gifts. I'm not finished yet with my plants, but it feels good to work with them again. I haven't really done this much since when I was living down in Wellsville.