PBP 2013: week 2: A - Anger

Lots of people talk about anger. Lots of people have really insightful things to say on this topic. I'm not sure if my addition to the countless plethora of blog posts and articles is going to make much of an impact. It is, however, my deepest thoughts on something that I have found challenging for years.

Anger is a harsh emotion. It has the sharpness of a blade and can be used as such a tool. When used in a healthful fashion, it can be the surgeon's scalpel that excises illness from our souls. When used in an unhealthful fashion, it becomes the common thug's switchblade that is used to extort others or force them into acting against the validity of their own souls. Anger itself is a morally neutral thing.

I struggle with anger. The popular opinion that anger is a dangerous emotion has crept into my life and puts it into the realm of something to be controlled and withheld from view, lest it prove something too disruptive for others. Oft quoted aphorisms that talk about how anger is something we are supposed to remove from ourselves tend to pop up a lot on my Facebook feed and meet me on a regular basis when I am looking at how to best manage my illnesses.*

The real struggle that I face when encountering anger is not that wild, uncontrollable sense of anger that people talk about. It is owning my anger and embracing it when it is valid. We should not be a culture that decries any emotion. Emotions happen. They're our response to the world around us. We should be embracing them and upholding them as valuable.

Anger is what motivates me to act against injustice. Anger is what motivates me to speak up when I see someone being needlessly cruel. Anger is what pushes me forward when I find that my depression has overwhelmed me. Anger is not our enemy. Anger is as much our friend as pain. It tells us when something is wrong. It gives us the strength to fight for what is right. It is the voice that says "You will not ignore me. I am am a vaild human being. You WILL respect me."

I'm working to embrace that healthy aspect of anger. And I sincerely hope that others shall do so as well.

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* I will be talking a bit more about mental illness and my own faith later this week. I'll be posting a link to that entry here in the foot notes.

The question of evil

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 20.1 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Bitterly cold, overcast with wind out of the west
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I've been considering the question of evil for many, many years. I say question because in my faith, there is no deity or demigod of evil. There is no creed that affirms the traits of the gods to be as the Christian god, omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent. Is there cruelty in my gods, yes. But it is not malicious. It is very much so like the fate of the person who loses their home to a tornado. It is a cruel thing to happen but there is no moral judgment behind it.

Herein lies the crux of the question of evil, defining it. Some people say that evil is all form of suffering. Others say that it is to inflict suffering upon another with malice. Still others state that evil is to inflict unnecessary suffering upon another. I contend that evil can be defined as maliciously and deliberately inflicted suffering upon another being. I would further argue that there are two different categories of evil.

The first category is the suffering inflicted for the sake of suffering. Now, some people would argue that this is pure sadism. I have seen the benevolent face of sadism. It does exist. To call this pure sadism fails to consider the other variants of sadism that exist. It is when the suffering inflicted is done with out the consent of the victim. For the person who endures suffering willingly is making themselves part of the CAUSE of their suffering and become an active participant.

The second category is the suffering inflicted intentionally as part of an effort to create some type of effect. Think of the concentration camps of the Nazis. (Yes, I went the cheap route and invoked Godwin's law. It's the most recognized form of organized mass torture and murder, hence my choice.) These camps were created not only to inflict suffering upon people with out their consent but to achieve a larger goal, thereby bringing some benefit to the ones who are inflicting the suffering beyond the persecution of their victims.

Is the difference between these two forms of evil indicative of greater and lesser evils? Not really, evil is evil. There is no such thing as a lesser evil. There are different forms of evil, but the wise will reject evil in it's every form. Humanity has a talent for devising new forms of evil on a regular basis. It is something that sorrows me to see.

Is defending oneself from harm evil? No, it is a natural right. It is no more evil then fleeing from harm. Engaging in an unprovoked attack, however, IS evil and should be shunned. Do the gods engage in acts of evil? It is a distinct possibility but it is equally possible that they do not and we are misunderstanding their chaotic actions as evil, as harboring malice where there is none. To the fly that we swat, we may appear to be malicious and cruel when in actuality is was simply an action to halt the fly's biting into our skin. The fly's bite is no more evil then our crushing it with our hand.

Harm that derives from natural sources is unfortunate but a part of the experience of being alive. Evil, however, is the purview of humanity and similarly inclined spirits that are capable of the abstract reasoning that is necessary to produce it.

All of this, however, is simply my opinion.

The Lady's Law: Perfect Love & Perfect Trust

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
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"Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust."
~ Lady Gwen Thomson, Rede of the Wiccae

Perfect love and perfect trust is an expression thrown around a lot by Wiccans and other members of the pagan community. Perfect love is unconditional love. It is akin to the type of love referred to by many Christians as agape. Perfect love is extended not only to our fellow humans but to the world in it's entirety. We love the world because it is in some ways kin to us, in other ways the embodiment of our Gods, and because it is simply there to be loved. We love our fellow humanity because they are there; they are our brethren; and because they embody aspects of our Gods.

Perfect love can be a terrifying thing. It requires such vulnerability. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. At the same time, however, we are not Pollyanna about this. Perfect trust requires us to see the world as it is. We trust the liars to be liars. We trust that people are fallible. Perfect trust strips us of our assumptions about the world. It is the harshness of brilliant morning even as it is the glory of sunrise. We see each thing as it is when we operate from the basis of perfect trust.

Perfect trust, for all of it's harshness, is also the shield that protects us when we operate from the basis of perfect love. We do not blind ourselves to the flaws of ourselves or others. Thus, we do not set ourselves up for heartache. We accept reality as it is, rather then casting the pall of our desires over it.

We all struggle with perfect love and perfect trust. We are human and we are going to stumble along the path at times. This is where perfect love and perfect trust in ourselves is important. Perfect love for ourselves is the healthy, unconditional love of who we are despite our limitations and flaws. Perfect trust is the faith we have in ourselves to do the right thing at the right time. We all suffer times of self doubt, but as long as we continue to strive for meeting this challenging rule set out for us then we can say that we have made a good faith effort.

In the end, that is all anyone can ask of us.

Suicide: How I view it.

Moon phase: Waxing Corn Moon (age: 3 days)
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, warm but seasonably so; drought still persists
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A friend of mine committed suicide a few days ago. It surprised and disappointed me. I felt some pity for her. Then I got angry. Really angry. I then took a step back and said to myself "Why are you angry, you contemplated it? How does your Tradition view suicide?" Those two questions stopped me cold in my tracks and have been rattling around in my mind for a little while now. Beloved's position was pure anger, as was that of Stormcrow. Both men had an excellent point when they expressed their disdain for one's final act to be of such selfishness. Both of them held out that the dead no longer were effected by their actions in this world, but left a tangled mess behind them for the living to sort out as a result of their final action.

The logical part of my brain agreed with this but the anger ran deeper then that. There was some sort of spiritual aspect to it that had me stumped. As such, I meditated upon the matter. I contemplated it as I lay sleepless the night after we had learned what happened. I rolled it around in my head as I was walking my son home from the bus stop. Then it finally hit me where the anger stemmed from.

I can accept that one will commit suicide to escape pain, to escape a poor quality of life, or as an act of resistance. I can accept that suicide can be accidental or a result of one's thinking getting completely distorted by things outside of their ability to control, such as the side effect of their medications. Suicide makes sense in these contexts. It may not be the ideal solution in the eyes of a third party, but to the person who is deliberately acting in this fashion, it will have been perceived as the best possible solution available to them. And as the First Law of Human Behavior states: All people shall act according to what they believe to be in their best interests according to the information they perceive to be available and relevant.

My anger came out of the fact that this suicide was a result of poorly managed depression. This young woman, according to what information I have learned from sources that were close to her prior to this event, intentionally disregarded elements of her illness. It is this that makes me angry. She knew she was on a collision course with a suicidal mindset but refused to address it. As one who has lived with recurrent bouts of suicidal depression for most of their life, I know what that feeling is like. At one point, I had several friends drag me back from walking out into traffic. As terrifying as incidents like that were, I struggle daily with suicidal thoughts as a result of my post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic, recurrent depression.

Why haven't I killed myself? It isn't out of cowardice, as my Mother once accused me of. It is courage and a grim determination to meet my responsibilities. It is my sense of honor. I have duties to people around me that I must uphold, lest I prove less then honorable. My friend knew she had similar duties to people around her. She chose not to make an effort to meet them, even if it wasn't perfectly. It was a cowardly act.

Now, there is a distinct possibility that the information that I have is incorrect. It may be that complications from her antidepressants caused her to become suicidal. If that is the case, my anger is mitigated somewhat. As this change in her thinking occurred, however, she should have addressed it with her doctor. Suicidal thoughts, generally, are not something that strike out of the blue unless there is a preexisting condition that is manifesting in that fashion. As such, she would have had a window of opportunity to get help for her crisis. An opportunity that she allowed to pass by.

I do not feel proud of my own suicidal tendencies. I am rather ashamed of them, actually. I, however, continue to fight them because I refuse to dishonor myself by failing in my obligations. It is my experience that the Gods punish dishonor. It comes in strange and at times subtle ways. But it does come. I have known people who bore the mark of a curse upon their aura and learned why. I have no wish to know how one who willfully dishonors themselves and commits suicide makes recompense for their failure to keep their oaths and meet their duties.

Edited to Add~ I realized as I reread this that I was writing my way through an emotional flashback. I believe I will let this post stand, but I need to give the entire situation more consideration before I post again on the topic. I apologize to any whom I offended.

Waxing moon, waxing challenges.

Moon phase: Gibbous waxing, one day before full
Moon sign: Pisces
Weather: Unseasonably warm, fair skies and mildly humid.
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As the moon has transitioned closer to full, I've found the challenges in my life has increased and more illumination has been shed on my weaknesses. As the month where Samhain falls is generally the month were much of the work one engages in over the year comes to completion, I recognize that this month is going to be quite challenging. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but I understand and accept it. It's easier when you accept the reality of the challenges before you then it is to try to run from them.

This said, I'm unsure what exactly I should do when it comes to engaging in magical work for this month. It's been a hard debate as to if I should actively engage in magic for my Aunt's bit of a problem. She has a love struck individual who is quite infatuated with her and her feelings for him are only friendship. It's made things somewhat uncomfortable and she's asked me to cast something to help him find someone who he will have his affections returned in the same fashion and be happy with.

Since the disasters that I've witnessed with respect to love magic, I generally try to avoid any of it. Most people are asking for one thing and wanting something entirely different. Only rarely does it work in the way that's what is desired and in those cases it is because desire and will are aligned to make it happen. I find it difficult to agree to do a spell for some one else on the matter of love because of the challenges that get additionally entangled if a third party is doing something on this front.

With every spell that one does, they will entangle themselves into it as well. I've observed over the years that, for example, if you bind someone against certain behaviors, you in turn bind yourself against them. It is a sympathetic restriction that serves to help reinforce the focus. Most people don't realize this reciprocal element of magic. It makes the question of what to cast and how to cast it become more important to any given Witch.

It also makes the question of what you're ethics say about your spell work a much larger one. I'm currently wrestling with that one right now. As I've been thinking about it, I'm tending towards casting one specific thing. Something to bring them each a healthy, loving relationship, that will support them in completing the things that they must engage in on their respective Life Paths. It would be something that can resolve the discomfort of both individuals and promotes their well-being. It also is something that I'm willing to do because it serves to reinforce what I've been working on here for myself.

Then there is the other matter that I'm struggling with. I'll write about that in a little bit, as I've a few household things to attend to. I suspect, however, there is going to be quite a few comments and thoughts murmured about in response to this next post.