8/4/11

Suicide: more thoughts

Moon phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 5 days)
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable; drought continues
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I've been giving the matter a great deal more thought over the last two days. It has been difficult for me to dig down through the layers to get to the most genuine of my feelings on Summer's suicide. I recognize the shock, disappointment, and anger were part of my response. The anger, however, grew for reasons aside from the fact that I was upset that she took her own life. It rose up and overrode the other feelings in a fashion that blinded me for a time to what I truly felt.

I have had time now to sit and examine the subject. And to examine my response to it. At the root of it all, I feel pity and compassion. At the time, I didn't feel comfortable with those emotions. I pushed them aside and grabbed hold of the anger. I recognize that the stages of grief include anger, but I didn't expect to cycle through to it so fast. I still hold to my initial statement when I learned of what happened: she should have picked up the phone, not the pills.

As I look at this, I must admit, I found myself going back to when I was actively suicidal. That phone call for help was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My hands were literally shaking with fear. I was fairly certain that if I couldn't get my therapist on the phone that I was going to do something terrible. I remember feeling terribly alone in that moment.

I can only guess how alone Summer felt at that time. In my case, I heard my mother's voice screaming in my ear. I don't know what was going on in Summer's case. I suspect, however, that the pain of her illness had reached an intolerable level and she was desperate for a way out. I don't think she was thinking clearly, because with out the influence of mental illness she was a vivacious person who virtually glowed with her love of life.

I pity the suffering she had and the crippling psychic pain that drove her to this act. My hackles go up at the fact that she killed herself in almost the exact same fashion that I had planned. The timing of it also leaves me uneasy because it hits too close to home. In some strange fashion, I find myself reminded to be thankful that I didn't kill myself and that I had gotten help. I don't know if that makes me a freak or not.

You will be missed, Summer. May it be that you have found the peace you were so desperate for and healing in the arms of the Goddess.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I had a friend who committed suicide and during it god showed her why she should live and what's gonna happen if she doesn't... She was committing suicide because she had a mom that told her she wished she was never born and it was because of her that her mom and dad fought... and if she wasn't born then they wouldn't be fighting... so she finally gave in and gave her mom what she wanted... her dead... but when God showed her why He needed her then she started regreting what she did... but God took care of that... had her throwing up the pills she had taking... Noone knows why someone takes their own lives... It may not be selfishness.... like my friend she thought she was doing what her mom wanted her to do... so unless your there and in that person's mind, you will never know... the only that's hard is that we as friends is that when we hear them say it or even see any sign of it we need to try and get them help and also Pray for them... My friend never said anything nor acted like anything... the only thing that would've been a hint was when she said she was so tired of her parents fighting... but what kid isn't... she never mention her mom blamed her or said she wished she was never borned cause in public her mom would treat her good and her friends good... when she did have friends over her mom was the best... it was only when they where home and her friends were not there... which was mostly all the time except birthdays, church days, and VBS times...