12/1/14

Letters to Loki # 2: Keeping the Shield up.

Hail Loptr,

Thanksgiving was exhausting. I am quite thankful for my loving family by marriage. I'm thankful for the health and well being of my family. I'm thankful that Beloved had the day off from work and the day after. Most of all, I'm thankful for Ativan. Seriously, the chemist who invented that was a freaking genius. I made it most of the way through that gathering with out freaking out because of it.

I wish I could say that I'm doing better then I was last week. I don't know if I am, to be perfectly honest. Still, I'm keeping my proverbial shield up and pushing forward. I've been good about making sure I do my writing in my therapy journal, even though I think I'd prefer to deal with that wound-drain business when I had my appendix out. At least that was done and over with after a few weeks. This stuff just seems to keep going and going. It's like the Energizer bunny of doom or something.

I worry about what I'm going to do over the holidays. I feel like the stuff I have done thus far is insufficient. I'm pretty sure that it is my delusions of worthlessness kicking in. I've been catching myself stumbling over that one a lot over the last several days. It makes me a bit disgusted. Of all the things to be delusional over, it has to be how wretched I am. It is terribly unpleasant and I rather hate it. My anxiety has been rather high over the last week (hence my taking Ativan before visiting the in-laws, which usually doesn't faze me).

Going to the laundromat yesterday was pure torment. I literally lack the words to adequately express my gratitude for your encouragement. Having you sitting with me and pointing out how all the people in there were just minding their own business and didn't even notice me helped me as much as the Ativan did. I see my psychiatrist this week. I think I will do as you have strongly urged and discuss how my mood has dropped and my anxiety has been increasing.

I am a little nervous because this is going to be a new psychiatrist. That old fear that they're not going to believe me or discredit everything I have to say as being manufactured by a diseased brain is already bothering me. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea that I am going to have to request a renewal of the Ativan prescription. I'm almost out and I have discovered the hard way that I can't sleep with out it right now.

Sleep and I are now on speaking terms again. I suppose this is an improvement. Most of last week, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and being awake for about half the night. The nightmares, however, haven't stopped. Even with the medications, I still have a rough memory of them and what I do recall makes me shudder. It's made writing in my therapy journal a real fun experience. (See, my sarcasm is still intact, I'm going to be ok!)

I have been doing like you encouraged me and writing Freyr more. I'll admit it, you were right. He wasn't disgusted or horrified by what I had to say. My vulnerability did not repulse him, as I was so afraid of happening. I felt weirded out by how compassionate and concerned he was. Of course, I still get weirded out when Beloved does that too. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to someone responding to my 'weakness' with positive things. I look at it and it feels like something is wrong with the universe. Like I'm watching the sun rise in the west rather then the east, kind of wrong.

I suppose, however, I should work on getting used to that kind of thing. Weird is your forte. And positive weirdness seems to be a more effective mindfuck then negative weirdness. Oh, speaking of weird, what was up with messing with that dryer? I put in 60 min worth of quarters and then suddenly I had 99 min? Seriously, dude, that had me concerned that I was going to have my stuff light on fire or something. Thankfully, the dryers there don't lock shut after you put your change in and I was able to get my laundry out. Pranking me to lighten the situation is ok, but please don't lead me to suspect that something is going to burst into flame because of it.

I'm still looking for that blue butterfly pin you told me to find for Sigyn. I think I may have to take a trip up to the city to find it. But I will locate it by Yule. If I have to, I'll make it. Let me know if there are other things you want me to find/make for people. My project list is actually fairly short right now.

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