10/1/15

A video, as requested by Loki

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 18 Days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cool, partly cloudy
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I have no idea why, but Loki requested that I make a little video and post it up. I don't really have anything to say. But he wanted me to make the video and remind people that he loved them. So, here's my video. I apologize if it is really derpy.

video

Things have been better this week. I have been making a point of using neutral self talk when I can't use something nice. It is really hard because I keep catching myself saying things like 'I'm so stupid.' when I make a mistake. I don't know how I feel about this video, to be honest. There is literally zero point in it beyond showing my face and telling people that Loki loves them (in my opinion). But, Loki says it is important to helping me break this habit of negative self talk, so I did it.

I know there is a method to what he is up to. I just don't get it. But, I don't get what Loki does most of the time. Sometimes he pauses to point out the logic of it. Most of the time I'm just baffled and go along to see what the end result will be. I am doing my best not to question everything. I catch myself about to ask what the point to stuff is or why I am important in any fashion. It is just as hard to keep myself from doing that as it is to stop this negative self talk thing.

My mistakes, however, are being tolerated because I try to fix them as soon as they happen. This whole practicing kindness towards myself feels awkward and uncomfortable. Freyr assures me that it will get better as I keep doing it. He's been talking to me about my writing stuff. I am somewhat intimidated by this whole posting on different topics as per a schedule. I kinda worry that I am going to have this flame out like it did the last time. Loki and Freyr are assuring me that this time it is different.

So, I am going to trust them and keep at it. And if I get sick and find myself unable to post, I will at least note that I am not well and will return to that topic when I am better. Speaking of getting back to things, I have returned to revising stuff on the fantasy series I'm writing. It is kinda boring right now. I want to start writing book six but revision is important. As per Odin's advice, I am making a point of organizing everything but it's rough with so many books. 

I got a very strong shove to get to work on putting stuff into order last night when I got many error messages on the desktop that I was running out of memory. I'm pretty sure that was engineered by the All Father. So, I spent my evening going through files rather than watching cat videos on Youtube. I have no idea what I'm doing with this stuff. I mean, I am ok on the write-read-revise-rewrite process. That is the only part of all this that I know what I'm doing. Odin keeps nudging me to do more to promote my stuff but I've been balking because I'm afraid of rejection.

His answer to this is "If there is no hope, then there is nothing to lose. Try anyways." So, I'm posting stuff on Twitter (my handle on there is @Lady_Brythwen). This whole process feels like the emotional, mental, and psychic equivalent to the discomfort of when the wound drain was pulled out after I healed up from my appendectomy. (I can't believe that was 8 years ago, where did the time go?) I feel things shifting around inside of me. It is uncomfortable. Honestly, it kinda hurts and it is a bit scary. They keep telling me that I'll be fine. Actually, Freyr's cheerful words of encouragement last night when I brought this up was, "You'll be better than fine."

I laughed when he said it. It was a turn of phrase that I'd have expected from Loki not Freyr. He, however, has been making a point of doing things that I hadn't expected for a few days now. And, like Loki and my dozen spirit companions (honestly, I have no idea how many of the dead are around me. I turn around and there's new ones all the time. It's frustrating and weird.), Freyr has been telling me that I don't laugh enough and I take myself far too seriously. I have no idea what to say to that, if anything.

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