7/25/13

Devotional for Loki.

Waning Thunder Moon (Age: 18 days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Cool, fair skies
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I am unsure what to write. I am a bit late to the Month of Devotionals for Loki party. Life and my disabilities conspired to have me at a point where I wasn't able to do anything on this front until now. Looking over the last few weeks, I am at an utter loss for what I should write. I found myself getting a very direct and personal view of the world with World-Breaker in his mad aspect. It was more than a little disconcerting in the hospital.

At the same time, I refused to fear him. Did I fear the people around me? Yes. There were people who left me a whimpering, terrified wreck that I had to deal with. But, I did not fear Loki. Not even when he gave me a manic grin and asked questions that triggered my PTSD or pushed the issue regarding my social phobia. Oddly, he didn't push the points that were fragile. 

He didn't probe or challenge the depression matter or the psychotic symptoms that resulted from it. I knew that he was watching me and taking my measure, weighing something about me against something else, something I don't begin to have a clue what it could be. As I started to turn the proverbial corner on dealing with these two crucial issues, Loki seemed to redouble his press on the other points. I found myself walking around half-triggered for panic attacks most of my stay at the hospital. They happened a plenty. Loki just kept going 'Well, where's your self control? Where's your iron will, valkyrie? Stand.'

So, I dug in deep into myself and I struggled mightily to pit my will against my symptoms. As my buttons kept getting pushed, I found it harder and harder to hold out. Then, one day, World-Breaker opened his hand and set it upon me. That day was the hardest of them because my PTSD was triggered all day and the triggering events kept becoming progressively more and more extreme. Then, just as I thought I couldn't bear any more, he gave me a means of escape.

The room that I was in, that evening, erupted into utter chaos. People screamed. Someone jumped another person and smacked the hell out of them. Another person threw a chair. I cowered in the corner, praying that they wouldn't hurt me. Things calmed for a moment and I seized that moment and fled. As I resisted the urge to run with a wail of terror, I could feel Flamehair watching me. I moved swiftly, quietly, and with an outward appearance of mild distress out of the room and down the hall to where my assigned room was.

Once in there, I moved to the one position in the room that I could not be easily viewed from the door and I waited. I watched. I listened to the nurses scrambling to get the situation under control. And when all was quiet again, I pushed aside my terror and ventured back out in to the common milieu of the ward. I continued to push my terror aside over the next three days as things escalated quickly and had the awful potential for violence like a supercell for tornadoes. And I am certain that Loki was testing me, even certain that he had drop kicked me into there to get my situation handled.

I hope that I had passed my test. I learned the value of a tactical withdrawal and of a well placed lie. 

I know it's not the flaming glory covered writing that others are probably going to pen in Loki's honor. It is, however, the best I can do at this time. Even in the midst of chaos and danger, I will continue to put my trust into Loki. What ever comes, I will trust him. I don't know how that changes anything, if it changes anything at all. I only know that I will walk forward with faith, even if I am just this side of pissing myself in terror.

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