3/16/16

Conversation

Waxing Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies
Snow pack: 0 in
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Lopt: You're exhausted but you're still trying to force yourself to do more. You shouldn't do that. You know that, right?

me: I'm sick of not having the energy to do stuff. I'm a writer. I should be writing. Not staring at a wall trying to think up a simple sentence for hours on end.

Lopt: Patience never really has been your strong suit, has it?

me: Not really.

Lopt: Pushing yourself past your limitations is a good thing, except for when it's not. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Burning the candle at both ends does no one any favors and hurts you in the end.

me: But I have to do it or stuff doesn't get done. 

Lopt: Then things will not get done as quickly as you'd like. Patience is necessary. Especially when you're healing.

me: I'm not going to be fully healthy ever again. It's just not going to happen. I might as well accept it and press forward.

Lopt: Now you're not telling the truth.

me: What other way is there to look at it? I'm disabled. My brain is broken, chemically speaking. Drugs will only last so long before they fail and I have to start something new.

Lopt: What would you prefer?

me: To have my life back. To be able to keep my composure when I'm stressed out or anxious rather than shaking like a leaf and bursting into tears. To be able to function rather than freak out over mundane shit like paying bills or get so anxious that I am nearly sick over stupid shit like weather or not my friends truly like me.

Lopt: Those problems were always there under the surface. Stuffing them down and shoving them aside lent you the appearance of composure but underneath, it was chaos. It always has been chaos. Now, at least, you can get the pain treated. You can learn to cope with the chaos rather than cutting your heart out to spite your past. Divorcing yourself from your emotions is not a solution. Forcing yourself to move on a broken limb breaks it even more and exacerbates the problem, leading to things such as blood poisoning. Think, what would you be doing to yourself with this? You're slowly killing yourself with this. With each time you push away your heart and try to quiet your mind by stuffing memories into a 'box'.

I will not stand idly by and watch it. There is no need for you to live as though under siege anymore. Now stop. Rest and recover.

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