11/24/14

Letters to Loki # 1: Reboot.

Dear Loki,

I am at a loss for what to write today. I'm on the downward side of a mixed episode and that has me feeling pretty bad about everything. I almost didn't do this post because of it. I am trying to not be so anxious and downhearted but it's been pretty hard.

I didn't sleep well last night. I thought that I would sleep ok with out the Ativan because I wasn't in that hypomanic/mixed episode state. My nightmares and my anxiety, however, reminded me what I have been taking that stuff to fall asleep for the last few weeks. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. My therapist says I am making progress and that in the grand scheme of things my mood is much more stable. I don't exactly feel like that is the case.

NaNoWriMo has been a mixed bag this year. I made word count last week. But I am no where near the end of my story. Today's efforts at writing were less then stellar. Quite frankly, I feel deeply dissatisfied with it and I am tempted to just throw in the towel on the whole project. I'm near 60K words and I'm just aimlessly lost. I keep looking at my plot map and looking at what I've written and feeling despair. I'm about halfway through my plot map but I had some major side trips that did boost my word count but left me less then thrilled with the project.

I am feeling highly frustrated with the kids right now. I know they're excited for the coming vacation. I know that they can't exactly help being squirrely with it. The misbehavior, tantrums, and just loudness of it all is grating on my nerves and it has me extra cranky. I look at it all and wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what to do to get them to scream less in the apartment. I don't know how to get them to pick up their toys on a semi-regular basis. I feel like I'm doing this parenting thing wrong and that I'm a sub-par mother.

I am pretty sure that my mood being off is coloring my perspective on everything. I wish that my medication made me happier. The anti-depressants don't make me happy like the stupid ads suggest they do. They just make me not give a flying fuck about being depressed and make me numb. I hate those stupid ads. I see all those people with their perfect teeth and their plastic smiles and it makes me want to break things. It makes me kinda glad that I don't watch television.

From what I hear, ads for stuff like that is pretty frequent. Not quite as frequent as the erectile dysfunction pills, but depression and mental health seems to be a lower priority then if a man can get a hardon by society. I suppose I am a bit bitter. I look at stuff on Facebook and it makes me feel a queer combination of anger and depression. Not quite like a mixed episode but that's the closest thing I can think of right now to describe the feeling. The regular posts about misogyny and sexual assault make me sick. To a limited extent, they remind me of what I've lived through and kinda makes things a little worse.

The stuff about police brutality and politicians playing fast and loose with people's rights makes me want to start screaming at the computer and throw a brick through a window. The stuff about people abusing others and animals provoke that kind of feeling too. And then there's just the sheer mass of hatred that I keep seeing. I am thankful that I see it indirectly for the most part. But there's so much of it that it makes me feel some distress for the state of humanity and future generations.

I'd take a break from Facebook but it's my primary social outlet. If I did that, I really would have no social connections. I can't bring myself to venture out of the house and seek out like minded people. It seems like in my neighborhood there's more people who thump bibles and are elitist assholes then classically liberal minded people who are interested in finding out what other people think. I kinda hate living in the boonies where it's such a 'conservative' environment. It depresses me and makes me reluctant to socialize.

Hel, when I am at the laundromat and I listen to my neighbors talking there's so much vitrol in it that I get anxious that I may somehow be the target of it. I've had some people make some sharp comments on my headscarves. It's made wearing them hard. My psychiatrist says that part of my problem is paranoia that other people are going to hurt me. It may be a factor but there are a lot of assholes around here too. (Thank goodness that my immediate neighbors are fairly sane people.)

I wish that I had something happier to write today. It seems like all of that got sucked out of me somehow. All I've got is anxiety, depression, and anger. I hope tomorrow's better, but I'm not counting on it. Pessimism for the win, I suppose.

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