1/26/14

Conversations with the gods...

So, I had a conversation with Loki and a conversation with Freyr last night. The one with Loki was harder then the one with Freyr, surprisingly. Both of them called me to task for despairing over my prognosis with my psychiatric issues. Loki was particularly direct in confronting me. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to allow myself to ignore my needs when I was depressed.

There were several times over the course of my most recent depressive episode that I was tempted and attempted to go with out eating. I was then struck with the most random situations where the urge to eat overwhelmed me. Some people would say that I'm ascribing to deities what was actually my bodily urges, but the weird part about the urge to eat was that I didn't feel hungry at all. I just felt that I had to eat something RIGHT NOW. And once I started on something small it some how turned into a normal sized meal. It was a normal sized meal comprised of things I wouldn't usually put together, but it was a normal sized meal.

In the depressed fog, I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't say anything about the fact that I was struggling with eating but I was pushed through that phase of the depression by these weird fits of I MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS. Looking back and considering the sternness with which Loki emphasized that I needed to make sure I ate properly, I am fairly certain that it was Loki's work that I felt that I had to eat when I did and how I did. Loki, in the midst of his solemn and most serious lecture, also called me on the carpet for not exercising.

He basically said that I had no excuse for not doing my back exercises at the very least. I was told that I had no right to deny myself health. I was about to argue that it was my body and I could do what I wanted with it when Loki brought up how my children and my husband were dependent upon me to remain in good health. That pretty much killed the sophomoric retort cold. I actually felt somewhat ashamed of that point.

It was a very uncomfortable discussion. I really didn't like having it put right into my face how selfish I was being in choosing to neglect my welfare. At the same time, he did make a point of reminding me that there are times where I will have difficulty doing the things that I must for my health. And he reminded me that it was alright so long as I made the attempt. I was also quite pointedly told that unless I was deprived of sleep, I was not to take naps during the day.

That is going to be hard to do. Loki wasn't telling me that I was a bad person for doing so. He told me that it was a symptom that I had to resist like the urges to harm myself. Loki said that my sleeping through the day until the kids got home was actually contributing to making my depression worse. I was actually told to drink coffee rather then give it to him in offering in the morning on those days. Knowing how much he loves his coffee, that made a big impression on me.

Freyr was a bit less brutal in what he had to say. It was a lot of the same kind of stuff that Loki had to say. He also gently chided me for not doing the journaling that my therapist and my psychiatrist told me to work on. I was also told that I was being foolish for insisting that I wasn't someone important. Freyr then listed out how I was important to people around me. Some of the things he mentioned I were aware of but I put aside because I was under the mistaken impression that to hold them up would to be immodest.

And then there were things like how people I knew as acquaintances on FB looked for my generally positive, wry commentary on life because it helped them get through the day. I was told how my sardonic sense of humor helps lift some people out of their own depressed days and my resilient courage in the face of my illness gives them hope. It was something of a shock. I thought that because I didn't have a lot of back and forth traffic on FB that people just kinda had me friended but didn't really have interest in interacting with me. Freyr also told me that I should step up and be more active socially on FB.

His argument was that if I can make myself more comfortable communicating with people via electronic media then I can become more comfortable doing it via face to face. He said FB because it was less effort then the other outlets that I have. I was also told to stop worrying about my readership with my writing.

On the whole the gods were very direct in what they had

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