1/7/16

Depression sucks.

I'm not even sure what the moon phase or sign are right now. I don't really know what the weather is doing. I've been hiding in my apartment desperately wishing I could wave a wand and feel better. I just feel tired and hopeless. I tried doing some writing today and nothing came out. I tried to get myself the energy to do household tasks and I wound up taking a nap on the couch.

I want to hide from everything. My heart feels like it is a mass of raw wounds and that I'm losing my mind. My thoughts have been muddied or so full of anger that I caught myself screaming with it. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know what to do.

The gods and the dead tell me to not give up. They tell me that just getting up and making sure that I am fed and the kids needs are met is enough. Meanwhile the kitchen sink piles up with dishes and I can't think straight long enough to really help my eldest with his homework. I feel like crying but the tears wont come. I want to feel better. I go to bed every night hoping that I'll wake up feeling even a little bit better. And I just feel worse the next day.

I'm scared that I am getting sicker again. I don't know what to do right now. I feel like I need to do something but my mind is blank. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of falling. I'm so tired of failing. If I don't fight, I fail. If I don't fight, I fall deeper. If I do fight, I may still fall but I at least don't fail so hard. I at least get something done.

But this time, the fight is just ... not there. I'm not angry with it all, not in the way that powers me through my worst days. I just feel defeated and exhausted. And I question what the point to it all is.

Freyja said the next step in healing is surrender. What do I do when I have so much counting on me and I don't have the energy to do it?

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