5/5/15

Letters to Loki # 20 : I am thankful.

Dear Loki,

It's been a rough week. At the same time, I've been taking your advice to heart and trying to focus on the things I am thankful for compared to where I was not so long ago. It kinda baffles me that a year ago [I can't say for certain it was a year because my sense of time is so messed up by my medications and psych issues. :( ] I was in the hospital for suicidal depression. As much as I have been struggling, I am not at that point and I am deeply thankful for it.

I had my plans for a garden go sideways on me but I found soil to use in my containers for dirt cheap. (Yes, I used the pun. I would have found a worse one but it wasn't worth digging up.) I am beginning to make peace with the absence of the trees behind the building. I will confess, I am glad that we have a lot less mosquitoes. I have been noticing more birds at the feeders and focusing on that rather then the mess that has been coming with it.

I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am making an effort not to push myself too hard before I am ready. I am somewhat disappointed that I don't have it in me to do more right now. Still, I find I can do more then I could a few days ago and that is something that I am glad of.

I also did as you suggested and talked with Freyr about all the things I've been worried about. And, again, you were right. I was over thinking everything and letting my anxiety run the show again. I know I need to stop bottling up my anxiety and start confronting it face on when it pops up. I think I have a long way to go before I can take that in stride.

I don't think it was a coincidence that over the last few days my arthritic knees have been functionally keeping me at home when I've been really restless. I guess I need to slow down and focus on getting my immediate environment under some measure of control rather then running away from it. Which, I admit, I was doing some of last week. Ok, I was doing a lot of it.

I keep staring at the knitting project I've been working on and wishing it would finish itself. I'll be glad to give that to my sister-in-law when it is done. I have no idea where to start with the sampler I was stitching. I just stare at it blankly for several minutes and then put it back into the canvas bag where I've been keeping it. I know that I need to do more artistic expression. I just find myself at a loss for where to begin. It's all rather overwhelming.

I'm sure I will figure it out. It's great that you are willing to just share coffee with me and hang out. It helps a lot when I have days where I'm feeling really lonely. Also, those ideas you've thrown out on how to deal with the kids have been solid gold. I'm a little intimidated with where things are going on that front, but I'm going to do as you encouraged and deal with each thing as it is presented.

It's funny, actually. So many people think of you as the random clown or the scary guy who destroys everything they've attempted, but not too many folks seem to think that you are practical and a problem solver. Sure, some of your solutions are unorthodox, but they work and that is what matters, right?

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