July for loki post no 19: i surrender.

 Enough stuff has gone sideways over the last two weeks, I just give up. Apparently I am doing to much or trying to do too much or something. I don't know. I just know that I've been having things proverbially go explody left, right, and center for the last several days. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I just can't fake a smile and push on. 

No idea what that means for all the stuff I have to do. Loki keeps telling me to open my hands and let the pieces fall. Whatever pieces I'm holding on to, I'm just letting drop. I don't have the spoons for all of the drama. In other news, thieves suck and I want my planter back so but I can't have it back because it's evidence now. I was going to get some flowers and put them in it and I was going to take that strawberry planter and put the ton of spider plant babies into it. But some moron stole a big planter full of dirt and a mostly dead rosebush and my strawberry planter. 

*sighs* This shit is exhausting. I don't know wtf the message is, if there even is one. Who the hell fucking steals a two cubic foot planter full of dirt? Seriously? I guess the flowers I get to have are the ones I either make out of yarn or buy from the store. 2021 sucks.

July for Loki post no, 18

A Litany for Loki (from my new book)

Hail Loki

Hail to the Friend of the Traveler

Hail to the Sky-Treader

Hail to the Cunning One

Hail to the Scar-Lipped Speaker of Unwelcome Truths

Hail to the mischievous Lie-Smith

Hail to the Tale Spinner

Hail to the Thunderer's Companion

Hail to the Dweller within Victory's embrace

Hail to the Net-Maker and the Salmon

Hail to the slayer of Otar of the waters

Hail to the thief and restorer of Sif's hair

Hail to the Father of Monsters

Hail to the Mother of witches and trolls

Hail to the Bound-God who walks free

Hail to the Lover of Angrboda

Hail to the Blood-Brother of Helblind

Hail to the Curious One

Hail to the Friend of Humanity

Hail to the Guardian of the Hearth-fire

Hail  to the famed son of Laufey

Hail to the Champion of the outcast

Hail to the Giver of Strange Gifts

Hail to the Wolf's Father

Hail to the Watchman's Bane

Here's the link if you want to buy a copy. It's a short read. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no. 17

 I have been slowly feeling my mood drop as we move farther away from the summer solstice. I am pretty sure it's my seasonal affective disorder beginning to rear its head. This morning, as I was attempting to write in my journal, Loki said to me, "It's not too early to break out that special light and start using it." I've been resisting the urge to do so because I just feel like a fool sitting there with that 'happy light' running when the sun is in the process of rising. I was considering bickering with him about it when he reminded me, "If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, store bought it fine. If you can't get enough sunlight, a sun lamp is fine. Think about your plants and grow lights."

So, this argument in place, I have to figure out how I am going to fit in 30 min of time with the 'happy light' where it's the only major light source in the room at the correct angle. I don't know how I'm going to do this. My apartment is laid out terribly and the one room that would be ideal for that doesn't have enough outlets or a table for me to put the light on. Ugh. I hate being wrong but I hate even more not being able to implement the solution to the problem that I was in denial about. I'm sure that Loki will have some kind of idea, he's crafty like that.

But yea, SAD sucks.

July for Loki post no. 16

 So, Beloved and I get back from visiting his elderly parents. As I go to get out of the car I see that his travel mug of coffee from the day before is sitting in the cup holder. I pick it up. Instead of finding the usual handful of change sitting in the bottom of the cup holder underneath the mug, I find a calcified chicken nugget. 

Beloved's confused and then he starts howling with laughter. He says to me, "Hey, babe, I think your boss gave you a chicken mc-fuck-it." It had been an exasperating day. I was about to say something to the effect that I was out of fucks to give. Then this happened. I tossed the chicken nugget out into the wild so some feral cat could have it.

"Well, there goes my last fuck," I said. Beloved exploded with laughter. The boys, who were out of the car and on their way into the house at the time were very confused by all of this because they didn't hear the conversation.

Flame-Hair, supplier of fucks when you run out?

July for Loki post no. 15

 I keep having emotional flashbacks to trauma from when I was a kid over the last few days. Loki sat with me last night and told me, "Just because they feel real doesn't mean that they're happening now." I got very upset when he told me that. I asked him then if what I experience with him and Freyr are just simply manufactured by my broken brain. Loki reminded me of the time I was inpatient for a suicidal episode including psychotic features. After I had gotten a dose of Haldol to quiet the auditory hallucination of my mother screaming at me to kill myself, Loki said quiet calmly, "Can you hear me now?"

I just about wept with relief. I was terrified that my mystical experiences were all hallucinations after the first bout of psychotic experiences about ten years ago. Haldol is a serious business antipsychotic. It shuts down that part of your brain that is putting out the garbage information that's telling you something is there that isn't. It has a few odd things about it, like going from absolute panic to feeling like you're wrapped up in a warm, heavy blanket and your heart rate slowing down. But, I knew that with the Haldol I was going to get relief from the screaming. 

Then Loki spoke up. Suddenly, I understood that all of my mystical experiences were real. He was with me, even when the place turned into utter chaos later at dinner time. It wasn't like a full scale riot. But the moment the full moon cleared the horizon, chairs were getting thrown, people were shoving each other, and I was trapped in a corner cowering behind a table, praying that the violence was going to stay on the other side of the room. As I was there, Loki was with me telling me that I was going to be ok and I just had to focus on my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Eventually, the hospital staff got the dining room under control. I came out of my hiding spot, shaking but doing my best not to show fear. When they sent everyone back to their rooms early, I was relieved. I laid down in my bed and just faced the window and prayed that it wasn't going to happen again.

Loki sat at the foot of the bed and told me that everything was going to be ok. One may ask, where was Freyr in the midst of this. Well, he was standing between me and the brawl. Later, when I was in my room, he was standing at the doorway. And as I had been pacing, Loki was on my left side as Freyr was on my right, just quietly bearing witness to what I was doing and dealing with. I think the reason why Loki spoke up and was focused on calming me down is because I've known Loki longer and was more likely to listen to him.

But, yeah, that was a thing that happened.

July for Loki post no. 14

 I should have put this in the last post, but here's the book cover. It's out under the pen name I use for my religious oriented and spiritually oriented writing. Here's a link if you want to grab a copy: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B099NX9HLL

July for Loki post no 13

 Nothing like having life get in the way of blogging. Somedays, I feel like I should give up but those are particularly bad days. Mainly, I've been busy trying to get through stuff like my eldest son having an emergency dental appointment on Tuesday and family business on Wednesaday. The apartment is a disaster with laundry piled up everywhere and a stack of dishes waiting to be done. On the other hand, I finally finished the Lokean devotional I was working on and got it published.

Working on that project was an experience and a half. Loki put in a lot of input on how he wanted me to assemble the thing. He insisted that the Lokean rosary (he insisted it was a rosary, not prayer beads) be the first thing people encounter in the book. So that wound up at the beginning. I can't help the anxiety that this is going to rile a lot of people up and get me a bunch of hate. Loki, however, assures me that this is going to be fine and I have more to worry about the Aristasian's coming out of the woodwork to bitch about my work on the Clear Recital: Children of Déa Version. 

I checked on KDP to see if there'd been any book sales of any sort this week. Some eager beavers decided to pick up copies of the Lokean devotional and someone read it all the way through in one sitting. Now, it's not a long or a hefty book. Coming in at a mere 20 pages, you can get through this pretty quickly. I was just surprised that as soon as I posted the link to the sales page, there were to purchases. I figured it'd take a week or so for that to happen. I've only started the marketing process.

It is my hope that this devotional gives other Lokeans a jumping off point for building their own devotional practices. I honestly don't know why Loki wanted a Catholic style rosary but that got in there. Maybe to introduce people to the concept that the can repurpose prayer traditions from their former faith. All I know is that I just hope this helps devotees of Loki feel more secure and comfortable with their practices. Loki assures me that this book is going to help people, and that's all I want.

July for Loki: Post 12

 He laughs and it's music to my ears no matter what form he takes. Loki is just someone that I adore. He's been with me through horrific times and wonderful times. He basically threw me at the love of my life, going 'NOW KISS!!' when we were little more than kids. Loki's been the source of humor that carried me through some horrible shit when I was a kid. Loki's sense of humor is dark, sardonic, and hilarious. He is the one who cracks jokes at a funeral about the dead guy in the box that make people giggle despite themselves.

Sometimes, Loki speaks through me. The experience of channeling Loki is probably one of the most intimate things I've ever had. Channeling can put you in the position where you're in the passenger seat of your brain observing what's  happening. It can also throw you into the trunk and leave you completely in the dark about what's going on. Loki, typically, puts me in the back seat as he is doing things and holding a conversation with me at the same time. The times where I end up in the trunk, it's always with a bit of warning before hand (unlike some deities) and he usually makes smart comments before it happens about my kinks. It's a weird experience to have him hitting the kink buttons before he takes over to talk to someone. When I come out of the trance, I'm frustrated but not at the same time and he's smug.

It's an experience and a half to channel Loki. Especially when it is his World-Breaker aspect because there's something of a D/s thing between him and I. Of all the deities that I have channeled, Loki is on the short list of the ones I trust completely because he's always taken care of me. There've been times where the handling was a bit rough, but in the end it always works out for the best. (Even that lesson where I fell down a flight of stairs and a snow shovel caught me. He resorted to drastic measures because I was being particularly hard headed. When I start heading down the path of being that hard headed, he reminds me about that little trip.)

July for Loki: Post No. 11

 Posting this one a day early because tomorrow is going to be busy.

On a more serious note, Loki isn't the cause of all of the Aesir's problems. Some of it is the Aesir doing dumb shit. For example, the prophecy that Fenrir, Jorgmundr, and Hela were going to cause the destruction of the Aesir got put into motion when the Aesir took the children from Angrboda. If they just left them alone, I suspect that things would have gone differently. When Baldur gains a degree of immortality from Frigga running all about Midgard asking everything not to harm her son (except for the young mistletoe plant), he should have kept that under his hat. Frigga shouldn't have talked about it. But, she did and Loki puts that dart in Hodr's hand to ensure that Baldur goes to her Thing.

Loki's mischief is not malice (most of the time). He's acting as the hand of the Norns in many cases. In other situations, he's bringing the solution to a larger problem by way of creating smaller problems. (Remember, the wall about Asgard is not complete for a reason. And that made a place where they could put the fire to burn Thjazi.) I tire of people saying that Loki's evil. I tire of people saying that he is the Norse Satan. Most of all, I am exhausted with people saying that Loki is "just a myth".

That, however, will be a rant for another day.

July for Loki: Post No. 10

 Y'all have seen the Norse crisis flow chart? Allow me to present another flow chart that works as well.

July for Loki: Post No. 9

 I don't know what to write because I've been so busy trying to organize the chaotic mess that is my home. Loki just chuckles at my efforts because the boys manage to undo them right behind me. Children are chaos engines. They don't tell you that. They say that they're cute and adorable. They say that they're bright and full of potential. They don't tell you if you give your 11 year old the slightest information about how mechanics work (talking about physics stuff), they will immediately build a catapult with out having seen one in operation before. They don't tell you if you give your 13 year old any information about relationships that it rapidly leads to awkward questions about sex. (Loki finds it hilarious that both Beloved and I are unsure how to explain it to the kid who wrote a 'romance' story in school that made his teacher blush. The son in question has refused to show me the story he wrote, insisting he needs to revise it and make it better. We're kind of dreading what better means.)

As Beloved and I stumble our way through parenting, Loki has been amused, given suggestions, and outright laughed at the situation as we're trying desperately to keep our cool and not do the same. Apparently we're hilarious as a family. Like the day we caught the boys trying to impress each other with the best insults they could think of. Vulgarities were flying and then they both went "OH SHIT! IT'S MOM AND DAD!" Beloved and I damn near died with the effort it took not to start cracking up. Flame-Hair was in hysterics. Stuff like this happens just about every day. I was not warned about this aspect of raising children. It is SO hard not to laugh when they're at their antics. And if you crack and start smiling or laugh, they'll keep hammering on the ridiculousness button until it breaks. (I swear they get that from their father, who's been attempting to assassinate me via jokes timed while I have been eating for over thirty years. Again, Loki finds it hilarious. Especially the time that whiskey shot out my nose. Whenever I start coming down with a cold, Loki suggests a nasal rinse with cheap whiskey as he giggles.)

But, yeah, kids = chaos engines. And that's why Loki love kids so much. They naturally just get along.

July for Loki: Post no. 8

 An excerpt from the Lokean devotional that I'm working on this month.

A Lokean Creed

I believe in Loki. I believe in the early days of Midgard that Loki, with Odin and Hoenir, gave humanity their shape, nature, life essence, and all of the comely hues of humanity. I believe that Loki is mighty and benevolent. I believe that Loki is the Lie-Smith who speaks the unwelcome truth. I belive that Loki is the Bound-god who walks free. I believe that Loki is the Giver of Strange Gifts and the wondrous treasures of the Aesir. I believe that Loki is both mother and father to wondrous and mighty children. I believe that Loki is the Sky-Treader and the companion of the Traveler. I believe that Loki is the Tangler and the breaker of knots as the World-Breaker. I believe that Loki, as the World-Breaker, brings change and serves the Norns in his mischief unto the end of Ages and the time of the renewal of all things.

July for Loki: Post no 7

 Loki is a stickler for authenticity. He wants me to be who I am regardless of who it pisses off. I think this is why he's so proud of the work I did on the Clear Recital and the team's efforts. He keeps telling me not to be upset and anxious about the Aristasian/Shining Daughter of Harmony's kerfluffle over it. They're coming out of the wood work to complain and it's upsetting. I've written a rebuttal to the post decrying the edition that we put out and I've been doing my best to put that out of mind (and not read the comments). But my social phobia is acting up and makes me want to clamp down on all kinds of expression.

Loki has been firmly admonishing me for that. He says that the point of my growth process through the pandemic period is having enough breathing room for me to throw off the shackles of the past. The irony of discovering that wearing my bdsm collar helps me stay grounded in the present (very important for both my anxiety disorder and my ptsd), boosts my mood (very helpful with my bipolar disorder and seasonal depression), and reminds me/makes me feel loved by Beloved when he's not here to cuddle me when I'm upset ... well, the reason why that is ironic is because my parents (whom I am estranged from) flipped out in a bad way over a joke keychain that involved a teddy bear in bondage gear. They threatened to disown me if I was 'into that shit,' among other things. Now that I am just about 20 years out from under their thumb, I am finally wearing clothes that makes me feel good and that collar fits right into the look and makes me happy.

I'm still trying to figure out what's ok for what Beloved calls the NPCs. I had a ribbon choker that I made but I started reacting to the metal finding that served as a clasp after I wore the fake patina off of it. I'm reacting to the bdsm collar's metal work because it's not stainless steel. Beloved's ordered me a new collar. I'm both excited and nervous about wearing it. Loki is very firmly stating when I get like this, "Wearing it is healthy for you, so you're going to wear it." This is the same side of Loki who admonishes me to take my anxiety medications. He says that there's a solution to the problem of something collar like that will not upset the more vanilla family members that we're involved with. The kids are all 'whatever, Mom's just being weird again.'  Loki hasn't said what the solution to that problem is, but he seems to have an idea that he'll reveal at the 'right' time.

July for Loki: Post no 6

 Dear Reader,

I know I'm behind by 3 posts. I may cheat and post up some memes that remind me of Loki. It's been a very busy week so far with the kids going to summer school and my having two days worth of errands to run. Loki has been insistent that I don't skip my time doing tarot reading in the afternoons. As he put it, "You need to talk to real adults too." My social phobia has been acting up again. I was just about ready to walk out of the store with out getting anything when Loki said, "You really need to get more black shirts for your wardrobe, this way laundry day doesn't break your aesthetic. And maybe you should look for some jewelry." I thought about arguing with him when he continued to say, "You don't want to have wasted the gas to drive here just to turn around and not get what you need, do you?"

Practical Loki is practical when he feels like it. It's maddening when he does that. Happy Fun Ball Loki is silly and full of jokes. When he's being practical and shit, I know that he's serious about something. In this case, it is getting me used to the idea of being the person who goes out into public to do stuff. The pandemic and the isolation of it all did not do good things for my brain. It was Loki pushing me to go out and mail the package for my niece while the weather wasn't awful that got me moving. And the next thing I know, I'm at the store buying clothes and being semi-social with random strangers. It was a bizarre and uncomfortable experience to be one of the very few people still masking right now. Again, Loki assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I was definitely making the right decision to wear the mask.

Yesterday was exhausting from the shopping trip to keeping up with a couple of kids who were wired most of the afternoon (which lead to some  personality collisions). Loki assures me that once they're settled into the routine of summer school things are going to get easier. He's also insisting that the projects that I am worried are going to be a disaster are going to go just fine and the kids will have some awesome memories to come out of them. I hope so. I feel like we're on the verge of a shut down again. I don't know if I can handle the business of homeschooling for a few weeks while the school gets everything sorted out to do distance learning for the whole district again if that happens.

On that matter, Loki doesn't tell me that I'm over reacting. He says that it's wise to be cautious. When Mr. I Don't Fear Anything but Thor When He's Pissed Off says that, I get a little more nervous. So, my family are practicing the Covid-19 safety protocols with the encouragement and blessing of the gods, including Loki. Who regularly reminds me when I go to leave the house to bring a mask. It's the little things that show you they care.

July for Loki: Post No 5

 I finally have some inspiration for the devotional I'm writing. Forget the process of converting the Christian prayers to something for Loki. Just write something entirely different that fits the need. Once that struck me, I started having my brain meats churning towards actual ideas on how to proceed forward with this manuscript that I'm working on during Camp NaNoWriMo (happening this month). I am going to do it the hard way, drafting concepts out on paper before typing them up. But, that makes it easier to rearrange and rework material for me as I am in the flow of working on a project. As I get some of these prayers done, I'll post some up here for you to get a preview. I can finally get that 'Catholic' rosary done for Loki. I've been struggling with this since he asked a while back. If I'm lucky, I'll manage it over the course of a few days like I did the Filianic conversion of the Catholic rosary.

July for Loki: Post No 4 - Wait, wut?

 As Beloved and I were trying to come up with a good way to describe how Loki fits into the Norse pantheon, Flame-Hair volunteered "I'm the Swiss army knife of gods." Beloved lost it his shit laughing because he was about to say something similar to that. I face palmed and Loki was smug as hell. 

A few minutes later, Beloved and I are in the kitchen talking and he accidentally says Loki's name (which Beloved avoids doing as to avoid getting more of Flame-hair's attention than he already does) and our eldest child pops up going "Did you call me?" He was highly offended when we began laughing in hysterics. No, my eldest son is not named Loki, his name is entirely different. (We named him for Beloved's maternal grandfather who was a major positive influence on Beloved while the man was alive.) My eldest is a bit of a chaos engine right now because of puberty, which only made him popping up after Loki's name got mentioned funnier. Beloved explained to our son that we weren't laughing at him but the circumstances. The lad said, "That's not funny." Hubby and I lost it again and our son marched off to his room muttering about his crazy parents.

We're pretty sure that Loki got as much of a laugh out of that whole exchange as we did.

July for Loki post no 3

 Me: Why a Catholic rosary?

Loki:

Me: *headdesk*

July for Loki post no 2

 I'm stuck. How in the nine worlds do I convert the Christian Catholic rosary to a Lokean one? This is what he requested, this is what he's going to get. But good grief, my brain is turning into a mobius strip as I am trying to work on this. Halp.

July for Loki Post No 1

 Last Quarter Rose Moon (Age: 21 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Humid, cloudy, and moderate temperatures
Drought Status: D1 (Abnormally Dry)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I'm going to do the July for Loki meme on this blog instead of on Veiled Witch as I have in past years. I can't promise lengthy posts every day. But, I am working on a devotional book for Loki this month as it is Camp NaNoWriMo part 2. (Part 1 was in April when my head was going explody.) Loki's expressed that he wants a rosary written for him. He was very specific that he wants a Catholic style rosary written. So, I guess that's going to be the starting point of my devotional book. It's just difficult to adapt the Catholic prayers of the rosary to Heathen prayers. I'm sure I'll figure something out. As I make progress on this project, I'll post updates.

Where did the last two weeks go?

 Waning Gibbous Strawberry Moon (Age: 16 days)
Sign: Capricorn
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry
Weather: Cloudy, projected high of 88 deg. F.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been desperately trying to get back to that organized schedule that I had in January. I've been failing in a big way. Loki just chuckles at my frustration. That, however, is how things go between him and I. I get so frustrated I just about start spluttering and he starts chuckling and telling me how adorable I am when I'm angry/frustrated. It drives me batty, but it seems to be a theme. Beloved does the exact same thing. They all but pat me on the head and call me cute. I know it's all affectionate but it still is exasperating. Which, of course, makes me 'even more adorable.' 

I feel like part of the problem is I somehow have lost 2 inches of height in the last few years. My doctor assures me this is perfectly normal for most women. It makes reaching the top shelf of the cupboard for things difficult. And where do things get put that I need to get down on a weekly basis, on the top shelf because Beloved forgets that I'm no longer 5ft 8in. He is used to my being able to get things down because they're at a point where I could have with out much of a problem before I lost that bit of height. I've asked my doctor why it happens and they just shrug. I'm hoping that I am not going to wind up stooped and barely able to stand at 5 ft like my paternal grandmother. Freyr and Loki both assure me that isn't going to happen as long as I work on keeping my posture good and strengthening my back.

It leads me to suspect that my back's weakness that came about as a result of a couple of injuries in the last few years is the reason why I've lost 2 inches of height. I keep putting off doing yoga and my back exercises because you can barely see the floor in the living room. I may just have to use a shovel and garbage back to clean up all the toys and crap on the floor so that I have room to spread out that yoga mat and do my exercises. Freyr really wants me to get back into an exercise routine. He's of the mind it will help me do a better job of managing my diabetes and my stress. He's not wrong, I'm just having a hard time finding the time to do it.

Both Loki and Freyr are strongly encouraging me to do things that make me feel comfortable in my own skin and happy. They've declared that I have spent too much time confining myself into a socially acceptable bland box and it's not good for me. Again, they're not wrong. As a result, I've made some major changes to my wardrobe. I am not completely eliminating color from it, but I am going goth in my styles. I feel more like myself from when I was in my 20s doing so. Freyr has commented that I walk taller and move with more confidence when I do it. I have also begun wearing the BDSM collar that Beloved got me ... well, we've been playing around with this stuff for 20+ years. After about a week of wearing it more frequently than I ever had before, I discovered that I was reacting to the metal used for the hardware. We're pretty sure it's nickel plated and that's why I am having issues. So, Beloved ordered me a custom collar that should arrive sometime next month with stainless steel hardware and a nickel free buckle. In the meantime, I'm doing as Loki suggested. I put on a ribbon beneath the collar so that the metal doesn't touch my skin. The ribbon is about one and 3/4ths of an inch wide. That's the same width of the custom collar. It's a little wider than what I wear now, but it is going to be awesome. Beloved showed me what he designed and it's just really simple but really pretty.

To placate the normals, I've been wearing a wide ribbon choker that is reinforced with nylon webbing to keep the ribbon from rolling up and backed with soft cotton. I keep leaning away from that choker because the collar boosts my confidence, my happy feelings, and strengthens the sense that no matter what happens Beloved is going to be with me. It's a huge comfort item. As someone with an anxiety disorder, comfort items are really helpful. Previously, I hid the BDSM side of my life because I was afraid of being judged for it. But, Loki made a really good point back when I took the leap to go goth in my clothing styles: at 42, I have the right to wear whatever the hell makes me feel good. And collars are kinda in style right now (and have been with the punk element of the goth community), so if anyone gives me a funny look I can respond with one word: Fashion. Then I get to sashay away and do what makes me happy.

Freyr had an interesting point to make about the BDSM side of my life. No one is getting hurt. Practically all of the elements of it have improved my health and happiness. And if vanilla people get to wear items that advertise some of their sexuality (i.e. pants with the word 'juicy' printed across the ass), so do I. And he pointed out, I'll probably manage it with my own quirky yet elegant sense of style. It's not as if I'm out and about in a bondage harness and nothing else. (Not that we own one, but that's beside the point.) And Freyr said that the instant shot of confidence that I get from wearing the collar is going to be one of the things that is going to keep the busy-bodies off my back. He also reminded me: those who matter won't care as long as you're happy, those who get in a snit over it don't matter.