Anxiety + Worship = Inactivity.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, dry, seasonable temp.
Drought Status: Extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Damn my anxiety. I have been so afraid of doing something that will upset or offend any/everyone that I have been inactive on all fronts, even worship. My proverbial curling up in the fetal position, however, has not been ignored. I suppose this leads to a whole pile of uncomfortable feelings as a result. At night, Ingvi and Loki are with me. Sometimes both of them. sometimes one of them. But there is always someone with me, usually talking me out of laying there and panicking over the thought of falling asleep and having nightmares of the past.

I feel horribly guilty about the fact that I have lapsed in my devotional activities. I get so far as lighting a candle. Then I find myself quietly terrified that I'm not good enough, that I will somehow offend the gods, or that the things I was told when I was younger about the emptiness of prayer are all correct. At which point, I back away from the altar and try to occupy myself with something else that will chase those thoughts away. Usually, it's been looking at cat videos on the internet or knitting.

Loki is beginning to get exasperated with it all. When the fear hits the point where I simply can not bear it, he starts telling me things like the fact that I am even trying is a good sign. His response to my anxiety in the face of those things ranges from frustration to something akin to feeling as though he has been personally insulted. But, he hasn't said anything to indicate that I have insulted him. His anger is directed at the people who hurt me in the past. And it is disturbing to view, to be honest.

Ingvi has been quiet about it all. I am not sure how to handle that silence. Well, it is not complete silence. He's been doing things like reminding me to take my medications and eat when I am hungry. Basically helping me take care of myself. Because I haven't been sleeping well, he's been pointedly noting when I have the opportunity to rest during the day and firmly instructing me to do so.

He sings to me.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Unseasonably warm, partly cloudy skies

Drought status extreme.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was having a hard time sleeping again. Ingvi was with me. As I tried to sleep (with the assistance of bendaryl), I heard him singing quietly. He has done this other nights where I have a hard time sleeping. He just holds me and sings. I could remember the music of it, but never the words. Then I stumbled on to Storm Weather Shanty Choir via Spotify. Cue my amazement and surprise when I recognized this. 

For the curious, when he sings, his vocal range is exceptional. He can sing baritone easily as well as tenor. His falsetto is easily in soprano range. It really is amazing. I honestly don't think he has a vocal break.

Stumbling with Apples.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Overcast, stormy

Drought status: extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been unwell. I am taking measures to resolve this. My illness has cut into pretty much everything, which has me feeling frustrated and helpless. I was struggling with this when Ingvi came to me earlier today. At one point, I was literally stumbling over things and getting very angry with it all.  As I caught myself in an effort not to fall over my feet at the grocery store, Ingvi made a point of catching my eye. I looked over and he was standing beside a display of locally grown apples.

He set a hand upon some of them. The pile shifted a little bit. A woman who was in the process of picking some fruit out of a near by bin (that was not attached to the apple display) commented something tart about how the store did a bad job of rearranging everything and that she was pretty sure the apples were just going to fall everywhere. (She was in a sour mood over the fact that my local Walmart turned the fruit and vegetable display about 90 degrees and moved the bananas another 5 feet towards the bread. I don't know why she was so upset over this, because the arrangement made it easier to move the carts through it all but who knows. Sometimes people hate change.) This woman's muttered comment assured me that I was not seeing things, which made me feel a bit better about everything to be honest.

I casually walked over to the apples. Ingvi gave me a smile and said to me, "What do you and the apple trees have in common?" Then he vanished. I wandered around the store, forgetting his question not long after he posed it. This evening, it struck me what I had in common with the apple trees. Despite the adversity that has come up and made life difficult, I continue to grow and do what must be done. I continue to act in accordance with my nature, even though conditions have arisen that makes this difficult to do.

I may be stumbling, but I am still walking. The trees may be struggling, but there are still apples.

There is hope yet, so long as I do not give up.

The air smells of Fire.

New Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Hot, fair skies
Drought declared extreme by NWS

~*~*~*~*~*~

At first, the smell was strongly of cut wood. I didn't think overly much of it because I do live just down the road from a lumberyard. But it is after they have shut their doors for the night, a good number of hours. And none of my neighbors have been working on any sort of home improvement projects in the dark. No noise of tools or lights to illuminate their work. Nothing.

And then the smell changed. Now, the air smells of smoke and my eyes smart with it. I know some of the farmers about are burning the stubble from their fields after taking in their wheat. At the same time, those fields are to the east, the wind would blow that away from me.

I suspect this is an omen. And I fear it bodes ill.

Roses for Ingvi

Waning Buck Moon (Age 28 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Hot, humid
Still in Drought status

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wanted to do something special for Freyr. Today is Lammas, Chelanya, and Freyfaxi. I have dear friends who are holding rites to celebrate today. I didn't have the luxury of time for something extravagant. I found myself out running around getting things ready for the start of school in about a month and taking care of the stuff for summer school that is going on now. Not to mention the pile of stuff I needed to do for just housework and such (not finished by even half, to be honest). That, however, is not a bad thing.

This, the first of the harvest celebrations of the season, is for me a holy day of work. Thus, I spent my day at work and mindful of the blessings that I am currently reaping. I found it fitting that the field that I regularly pass on the way to drop Beloved off at work before I bring the boys to summer school was harvested today. Every day I passed it, I thought of Ingvi. Even as I worried about our drought and how the harvest was going to fare.

I bought him a bouquet of roses. They're yellow. In the Victorian practice of floriography, they mean friendship, joy, and jealousy. Generally, if the flowers are given inverted with the left hand, the negative meaning is the one conveyed. (I did not do so with these.) Also, a full bouquet is an expression of gratitude. I not only happily gave him the full bouquet as an expression of affection and joy in him. I also spent some time at work with my plants in his honor. 

This is something that has become a bit of a bonding time for the two of us during the course of an average week. I don't get nearly as much writing as I wanted to do done. But every week, I have to spend about an hour (actually longer in the outdoor growing season) tending plants. That makes for an hour that I spend exclusively focused upon him. Some people argue that I may be overgeneralizing the concept of Ingvi as the 'Greenman' of Wicca, but their gnosis is different from mine, which is different from someone else's.

Randomness.

This just flashed through my head earlier:

How far off the beaten path must we go to find sanctuary?

I don't think it was an idle thought. I think it was a question posed by the dead. I honestly don't know what the answer would be. Looking at the horror in the world, I question if there is truly a place of sanctuary.

Visions of Fire.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Drought, fair skies,

humid & hot

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It is hard for me to believe that two weeks ago, roughly, I had seen such things in the smoke of a fire. I watched as the smoke and flames twined and the sparks went up into the night. As I did so, I saw simply fire. It was not the fire that was literally burning before me. I saw great raging fires burning out of control across the land. Fires that turned green pines into blazing torches that burned blue with their heat. It was disturbing, to say the least.

The scene of uncontrollable fire burning through previously calm and sheltered places made me deeply uncomfortable. I watched the scene play over and over again. These fires that I saw started in two places. One was a literal forest fire burning a shocking number of hectares. All life that creeped, crawled, ran, and flew fled in chaos. The bodies of water within this forest fire literally boiled away, leaving the fish and creatures that sought shelter in them grisly death before they too burned to ash.

The other fire that I saw was an image like the renderings of the Great Chicago Fire or the fires that raged after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Urban places that were turning to rubble as massive fires roared through them with the same horrific loss of life that these events had played out before my eyes in my visions. When I tore my eyes away from the vision in the fire, I watched as sparks from the fire landed on dry grass and smoked. And still the vision trance held, and I saw these fires spreading beyond the places where they began.

I told myself that I was misunderstanding what I saw. I told myself that the sight was purely symbolic and I was reading too much into the vision. And then last week happened. And my nightmares of fire have happened. I would be a fool to say that there was mere coincidence that the visions of fire came before these recent events. I would be a fool to say that the fires I saw were manufactured by a vain desire to see something.

Fire can be a beneficial thing. The wild fire in the forest, for all the absolute terror and destruction it causes, also brings new life to the forest. It is what opens up the cones of Redwoods and several other conifers so that they might grow. It replenishes the soil of various nutrients. It can have majorly beneficial consequences in the long term, though the immediate consequences are horrific.

It can also be exceptionally harmful. Fire is fickle. The wise always regard it with caution, even when it seems to be 'domesticated.' The little campfire that you build to illuminate your campsite and toast your marshmallows can quite quickly turn into the forest destroying wild fire if it is not handled carefully. And, sometimes, it happens despite our best efforts to prevent such a thing from happening.

Fires are burning right now. Literal and figurative fires are burning across the world. My intuition tells me that we are witnessing the beginnings of the larger fires that I saw in my vision. I advise everyone be ready to work on helping to keep the neighborhood from burning down and be prepared to set some counter fires. Something unpleasant is coming and it is making the smoke foul. Gods willing, we haven't completely fucked everything up.

(I also now understand why Loki was so utterly insistent about his 'hugs'. As things are falling into place, he's been helping me see that I am not completely mad.)

Ingvi's Words of Wisdom

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Very dry, drought risk high

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting here feeling hideous because of the way I look. Ingvi walked up behind me, set his hands on my shoulders, and just cuddled me for a moment. (It's an odd thing to feel like you're being hugged when no one is physically hugging you. Beloved is literally sitting across the room with his back to me right now as he is reading a book.) Anyways, Freyr said something that really is wise. I do a terrible job of remembering it but he is always kind enough to remind me when I forget. Like I did tonight.

He said: Your soft belly is a wonderful, welcoming place for your sons to run to for a loving embrace. Your grey hair are signs of wisdom and well aged beauty. Your fine wrinkles are laugh lines more than lines of sorrow and they deepen the expressions of joy that you show. Each scar is a tale of glory. A badge of honor won with as much courage as blood on the battlefield. Your life has been hard lived and your body has worn the marks of it with grace. Never doubt you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and does not deserve your beauty.

I feel like I don't deserve to have him say such nice things about me. Amusingly, Loki's response to my saying this was the following said in a dry tone: 'That's a paddlin'.' That moment when kink and humor collide to both make you laugh, cheer you up, motivate you to do better, and make you reconsider the foolish choices ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And, of course, Ingvi just smiles indulgently as I kinda blush and mumble whilst Loki grins.

That last bit actually describes the last few weeks fairly well.

A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.

Because Love.

Because Someone nudged me and pointed this out.

Letters to Loki No. 38

Dear Loki,

I am tired. Physically, I suppose I am ok. But mentally, I am exhausted. It has been a very long couple of days. Looking around at Facebook and pretty much every other social platform, I am constantly finding things about tragedies. It doesn't do me much good when I'm not at a very healthy mental state to see that kind of stuff. I spent most of my day off of the computer. I wandered around the neighborhood and things felt oppressive.

The weather wasn't bad. It was kinda cloudy and cool, but that is welcome change from the high heat and humidity from last week. No, I don't know why I felt like the deck was stacked against me all day. I suppose it could be my having a bit of a mood hangover, for lack of a better expression, after yesterday's busyness and activity. I really didn't accomplish much today and I am disappointed with myself over that, which probably also contributes to this general sense of depression.

It is the last full week of school for the kids. I've been doing my best to not think about the stress that may come of it. It isn't working out that well for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I'm sure that something will be figured out.

♥

A matter of Wine.

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 6 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Sultry, possible rain in late night

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was getting ready to pour out an offering of wine to the gods. As I got the bottle out of where it had been chilling, Ingvi and Loki say (almost in unison) "You should drink that." I wanted to ask why they didn't want it and they just ... smiled at me. I have a feeling that something is up. So, I am sitting here, waiting for my sons to fall asleep, drinking some red wine and trying to figure out what on Earth I am going to type. It has been such a long day. Tomorrow looks like it will prove longer. Maybe I will be lucky and it will not be to terribly humid.

A poem for Freyr

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
~*~*~*~*~*~

Your love is like tender violence

Strip away my armor

Rip apart my walls

Brush away my defenses

Take me in your arms

Keep me as your own

I have been blind

Remove the gauze

Blind me with your light

My hands are bound

I can not fight this

Just as the tide rises

So too does this madness

Drown me in your love

And let me be reborn

Letters to Loki No. 37

Dear Loki,

I am pretty tired after the day I had today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I'm pleased with that and I'm glad that I made some serious headway on resolving some of my creative blocks. All that said, I am not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. It is going to be another day of running errands around town. I want to try to get some time in for writing but I'm not sure how. I have a pile of housework that needs resolved so that I can get cracking on the few household projects I need done before the kids finish up with school for the year.

I'm a little nervous about how that is going to go. It didn't help matters much when the psych nurse who oversees my meds was voicing her 'concern' about if I am going to be overwhelmed with the kids when they're on break. She is decidedly of the opinion that my problems with depression are all sparked by my response to the stress of the kids being on break. I keep trying to show her that it isn't the case. She, however, has made up her mind as to how things are and pretty much ignores when I say something otherwise. It is very frustrating.

I have finally started work on my sister-in-law's bridal shower gift. It is somewhat funny how I kept finding things that were almost right. I have pretty much given up the idea of using an edging that someone else has designed. I am now in the beginning stages of crocheting an edging that is inspired by the Victorian pattern book I won at the spinning guild's silent auction last year. I started work on it a few hours ago. I have the first row of foundational crochet done along one side and a few inches on a second. I was suspicious that doing five stitches into the corner was going to weaken the fabric. I have discovered, however, it has quite the opposite effect. Cue a significant sense of relief.

I am a bit overwhelmed on how to proceed forward on the project that you've given me. I see a plethora of options before me. It makes things somewhat confusing and hard for me to pick one. A little direction would be greatly appreciated. This way I can figure out at least how to start on it all.

Bushels of Love,
Me

Luck Bringer Lopt!

Waning Crescent Flower Moon (Age: 24 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Partly cloudy, very dry, upper average to
above average temps.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was stalled on making things happen in my life for a while. I had heaps of anxiety and I was generally running in circles going "OH GODS, WHAT DO I DO?!!?!elventyone" Loki nudged me forward. (Read that as he picked me up by the scruff of the neck and tossed me forward.) At his encouragement, I picked up a small pile of hard copies of Book One of the Umbrel Chronicles (a fantasy series that I am writing and blogging about). Again, at his encouragement, I brought them out to spinning guild this month. Now, I had one book that I sold before spinning guild because the gal up the road had seen me working on stuff and was curious.

I honestly thought that it was going to be the only one that I sold. At spinning guild, I gave my elevator pitch and had all of the copies I brought with me sold in less than five minutes. I was in shock and delighted. (Mostly amazed, to be honest. He and Ingvi were both amused with this. As was Beloved who said 'Who'd have thought you would be good at this? You've only been working on it for over twenty years.' Subtlety, it is optional in the sarcasm around this place.)

At Loki's encouragement, today, I stopped in at the bbq place up the street. This is where the gal who bought the first book off the pile works. The minute she saw me, she asked me when she can get book two and informed me that she was about a third of the way through the book and loving it. I was delighted. And then she said that she was going to buy me lunch. I attempted to protest and she laughed and said she was doing it anyways.

And the owner of the business is curious about possibly getting a copy of the book because his employee is so excited about it. I honestly did not anticipate this happening. But, it seems that Loki did and is exhorting me to do more things with this. I'm a little overwhelmed but that happens most of the time with Loki. He's a 'go big or go home' kinda guy.

Did I mention that Loki is very amused with my response to all of this? I wouldn't say he is gloating, but it is something similar. Ingvi is also highly amused. I have a feeling this is the beginning of plans they have for me. Just a suspicion with all of their chuckling and such. The last time they both were like this, life got very interesting in unexpected and pleasant ways.

Wut?

So, I sit here and I'm surrounded by the creative chaos that comes with being a SAHM with a couple of kids in school, with special education needs. I am feeling remarkably zen about it all (usually this is enough to set off a fair amount of anxiety for me). I try to make sense of what is going on and why I feel like this when I feel Him standing by me.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The many, many things popping up on the internet that point back to Ingvi. The almost physical itch to get my hands in the dirt and grow stuff. The dreams of deer, trees, and tilled fields that I keep waking up with them almost before my eyes. The random stuff about bread and beer that flew across my Facebook wall.

Hello, Love, I've missed you. Damn my depression making things so hard. Thank you for being with me through it and being so patient with me as I stumble around trying to figure myself out. And thank you for helping me out of that dark hole.

Spawned by stupid memes on Facebook

random thoughts: there are reptilian species and amphibian species that can change gender as per environmental stressors. Loki can change gender (and apparent species) at will. what kind of reptile does that make him?

Letters to Loki No. 36

Dear Loptr,

Today has been a long day. I feel a bit disorganized but that seems to be how things are going right now. I'm doing my best to roll with it. I am really not good at that, but I am beginning to suspect that is precisely why things are like this. So, I'm working on letting go of expectations. I am tired, but it is a good sort of tired. I may not have a huge pile of things that I have done over the course of today, but what I did accomplish was done well and completely.

I am struggling with the desire to run out and get a whole bunch of plants right now. We're not yet past the danger of frost. I have been feeling the powerful urge to get my hands in the dirt and grow things. It is a little bit maddening. But, I am working on being flexible there as well. I am not entirely enjoying this but I suppose it shall pass. I have been puttering around with my houseplants and I'm not sure if I am doing things right with them.

I suppose it would be something to natter on about with Ingvi, but I feel that you would have some interest in it as well. I have managed, somehow, to keep two very small plantlings alive. One is a miniature rosebush that is scarcely the size of my hand. I am pretty sure that I'll have to replant it soon if it keeps growing like it has been. I replanted it last week when the weather was super warm. Now, I'm not sure, but it looks like it has grown a full half inch in all directions. It sports a bright pink bloom. I think I saw another rose budding out today, but I'm not entirely sure. That bud is really small. The miniature rosebush that Beloved got me for Mother's Day is doing pretty well but I suspect that I am going to have to move it to a larger pot soon as well.

I'm really happy that these plants are doing well. The miniature rosebushes that I had in pots on the back deck last year died due to the winter. I am not sure what I'm going to do with those pots this year. I am waiting, however, for the 'three cold kings of May' to pass. I find myself curious as to why the old farmers around here call the 13th, 14th, and 15th of May that. I wish I could talk to my Grandparents about that and my gardening hopes. I miss them. I want to do something special to honor them but I can't think of what. Dedicating books to them is nice but it doesn't feel quite right.

I am finding my anxiety comes in waves of late. I'll have days like today where I am sort of alright. I still find myself anxious but it isn't utterly paralyzing. And then I'll have days like I had a few days ago where even the thought of going out of the house makes me feel like I should go hide. I don't like it but I have taken the anti-anxiety medication when I am really struggling with it. I find myself feeling grumpy about it, but the medication does seem to help. I guess that is all that matters, right?

Letter to Loki No. 35

Dear Loki,

I am not sure what to write anymore. I sit down at the keyboard and I just get this ball of anxiety knotted up in my stomach. Thus, I scroll through Facebook desperately wishing it would go away. I find myself afraid that my dream of writing as a career has gone away. And then I find myself struggling to organize my thoughts to just put to pen something in my notebooks and journals. I feel stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have found my self confidence has taken a pretty big hit of late. I don't have the slightest idea what has prompted this. I wish that it would go away. I have found my desire to do much of anything rather low. Still, I made myself get out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I am making myself do the stuff that I need to get done. I don't know if this is where I say that I am depressed or if I am just tired.

I do think part of the problem is hormonal. After my menses not happening for two months, it arrived this week. I've been crampy, tired, and moody because of it, I'm sure. I keep trying not to expect ridiculous things out of myself. I last for about ten minutes, and then I find myself thinking of about fifteen to twenty things that I really should be doing right now, which I have zero energy for. This whole business of giving myself permission not to be perfect is really hard and pretty stressful.

Still, I am making the effort and doing what I can with what I have. I keep looking at that magnet you encouraged me to buy. The one that says "Do more of what makes you happy." I find myself at a loss for where to begin. I feel like there is nothing I can do to be happy. It feels as fickle as the weather. But, I don't know if this is my wonky brain chemistry due to hormones talking. It is very frustrating. I suspect that you have a pretty good feel for this kind of frustration.

Letters to Loki No. ???

Dear Loki,

I am entirely at a loss for what I should write at the moment. I've been indirectly watching the train wreck of politics going on all around me on the eve of primary day. Honestly, I am a bit nervous as to how all of this is going to shake out. The status quo is grinding things down into a massive mess. The proponents for change come in some very wild varieties with their own set of individual problems. And I feel like somebody is playing fast and loose with things because instead of a full day open for voting, it is from noon until nine pm. It stinks like something isn't right and I am pretty much powerless to do anything about it.

I want to see change. The way things are going right now isn't sustainable and it looks like bigger problems are awaiting on the horizon, regardless of how we end this election year. I try not to be anxious over stuff like this. You know that I have a laundry list of stuff that I get anxious over already, taking the political mess out of the picture. I am trying to take a pragmatic approach towards everything but I have a rather powerful sense of foreboding right now. I'm not sure if it is because of my apprehension about the political shenanigans in my country or of it is because of the mounting pile of evidence that humanity has really fucked over the planet.

I don't know how to make the changes that are going to be good for myself and my family happen. We're doing ok right now. I have relatively few complaints. But, as I look forward, I can't help but be concerned that if life goes sideways, we're going to have a tough row to hoe. And, honestly, I worry about how to handle my mental health problems. I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be. I just can't identify what I can change to get myself to a place of greater health and wellness, though. It is probably going to take a great deal of thought and such. Breakthroughs almost always are like that.

I am frustrated with things. I guess that is the biggest challenge right now. I know that you have a talent for turning frustration into useful effort. I am working on emulating this. I think it is probably better for me to put that energy to work rather than self immolating via stress.