Ingvi, Lord of Winter?

Full Cold Moon (Age: 16 Days)

Current Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Bitter cold, windy, some lake effect
Snow Pack Depth: 3 in, approx.

Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many people point to Freyr as the lord of spring and summer. I will confess, I was one of those people. Then life got interesting. Over the last few years, I am finding that things between him and I become more ... intense in the time of year from Samhain to Beltane. I was inclined to consider it my attention was drawn more to him because there was less stuff going on to distract me.

Now, I'm not entirely sure that assessment is correct. I have a feeling that there are people who are going to get offended with this. But, he is very strongly encouraging me to put this out there for others to take and consider. Freyr is a gentle god. But he is not always gentle. And he is not always what we would perceive as kind. He has kindness in him. I am not saying that is not there or that he is maliciously inclined. Woe betide the one who earns his anger. I've glimpsed his anger. It is fearsome. He is not one you should seek to intentionally cross or offend. He will simply destroy you. Consider it fortunate, Freyr is not quick to anger and the things that move him to it are not small matters. Things like the business of what is happening in Aleppo are what moves him to fury. People choosing to act inhumanely and with out regard for other lives, they are the ones he gets angry with. Failing to properly observe your devotional activities or act in proper ways, tends to get exasperation in my experience.

Right now, the weather is bitter. Depending on how the winds shift, we may have blizzard like conditions tonight at my home. The wind is blowing hard enough that it has nearly blown a partially filled bird feeder off of the branch it hangs on and we have a draft. It seems an odd time for Freyr to be so viscerally present right now in my awareness. And yet, he is here. His presence has a sharper edge to it than during the warmer months. I feel him with me in many ways. He smiles. It is a beautiful smile, but it makes me uneasy because he challenges me.

I was sitting here quietly panicking over the idea of dealing with some relatives that I do not have a very good relationship with. Suddenly, he was here. He said to me with a mixture of bemusement and confusion, "My brave, beautiful girl. Why don't you know how wonderful you are? Why don't you know how courageous you are? Who stole that from you?" It knocked me for a loop. All of this was on the heels of a health problem that forced me to seek help from others in situations that were, for me, humiliating. The act of sitting in the doctor's office in so much pain that I could not breathe properly and depending on my husband to help me figure out words to describe what was wrong was painful and difficult for me. It just got even more so as time went on, resulting in trips to the hospital for pain and a few rather terrifying incidents where I found myself even more dependent on others for help. And then, not five minutes after Beloved said to me, "Do you even know why you are apologizing?" and I realized with great grief that I was expecting emotional harm for being vulnerable from someone who has never and would never do so, the cause of all my pain was revealed and a solution was given.

I was shaken by Beloved's question. I was equally shaken by Ingvi's question earlier this evening. They say that in winter, he goes into the mound. Some say he goes into Hel's realm for a time. Others say different things. Either way, in winter, he comes to me. And he challenges me. The same one who pushes the plants to grow from tiny, hard seeds by cracking their painful, confining seed coat and drawing them up through the cold earth, he comes to me and breaks the hard shells of unhealthy thoughts and habits that surround me. He pushes me in a manner that is hard and unyielding. To the person looking from the outside, this seems uncharacteristic behavior of Freyr. Freyr is the gentle, golden god who pined for Gerda and was so distraught by love sickness he sent his friend as a go-between.

Ingvi, however, is also a lord of a fearsome host. It is my experience that he joins the Wild Hunt in their winter ride. He laughs and moves through it all with a fierce, if not possibly savage joy. In winter, he is the force of life that thrives despite the cold. He is also the one who keeps company with the dead and leads them forth when it is time to go a-hunting. Some people will be highly offended by this characterization of him. Some may say that I am not actually dealing with Freyr but an imposter. That may be their thought, but this is who I know him to be and how he has revealed himself to me.

And I love him in all his ways. Even when the lessons I am learning are painful. Because I know that he is leading me to healing and deeper love.

Wait, wut?

Waning Crescent Blood Moon (27 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Partly cloudy, some rain, cool
Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, at Loki's behest, I wrote a post wherein I directly named a being that I am uncomfortable naming this time of year. Then, I did my very best to make as much of an obvious disclaimer/warning for people not to try to play with said being. I gave him the side eye over this. He said, "Don't fear NAMES."

I have two things here that make me a bit ... bewildered. First, how did he manage to somehow speak in capital letters. It was the weirdest cross between visual psychic impression and auditory at the same time. I think this is just a case of Loki doing Loki things - namely throwing odd ball things into the mix to make me sit up and pay attention. (It gets pretty weird around here when I am head-blind.)

Second, I'm not sure why the emphasis upon not fearing names. I am pretty sure there is something more here than my reluctance to directly name one of the most fearsome terrifying spirits in my region. I mean the Wendigo is terrifying to a point where I'm even kinda uncomfortable typing it here. (I justify this by the fact that I did not say their name directly and there is a strike through it, thus obscuring the word/name somewhat. It does not make me more comfortable, though.) He has a point to this exercise and I can't quite grasp it.

Loki has been fairly chatty at odd moments over the last little while. Times when I don't expect it, like when I am in utter pain and desperately trying to concentrate on just breathing through it. He just showed up and started talking to me about how brave I was being and that it really was a much better thing to focus on breathing through the pain rather than holding my breath. He also helped me sleep by basically grabbing hold of me and dragging me down into unconsciousness whilst essentially throwing me in Freyr's direction as he goes "JUST TALK TO HIM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

The last bit sort of makes sense. I've been feeling self conscious and like I am an imposition upon Ingvi. As a result, I've been kinda very shy. I have gone into 'If I'm quiet enough, I won't get noticed and I won't be a problem for anyone.' mode. Loki's had enough of that shit. Thus the "NOW GO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE!" and such. Ingvi, for his part, seems somewhere between mildly annoyed and exasperated, with a dash of outrage that I feel this way (the outrage, however, is not directed at me but the situations that have taught me this coping mechanism).

Load the berth.

I'm all out of spoons right now. Please forgive my failure to note things like lunar phase, sign, and such. I am still unwell and in a lot of pain. As a result, it has made it difficult to think of much or get organized enough to do anything. I am frustrated and miserable. Also, I am anxious and terribly self conscious.

Earlier today, I was laying in bed trying to wait for my OTC medication to kick in for pain. I was perseverating on how much I was worried that I was an inconvenience and problem for Beloved. As I was sitting there quietly freaking out, Ingvi set a hand on my brow. He said to me, "What are you supposed to do with your panic when it is time to rest?" I just sort of mentally froze. I was too wrapped up in feeling badly and spiraling into panic to really get it.

He showed me an image from the dream where we first had this conversation sometime last year (I think). We were standing on a pier and his ship was moored on the left side. Beside me was a staggeringly large pile of boxes, trunks, and all other assorted forms of luggage. It represented everything from my daily worries about if the apartment was clean enough to my insecurities about how loveable I am to my even deeper issues. He picked up one of the boxes which was actually a wooden crate almost half as tall as I was. He walked over to the ship, stepped on board, and secured it in the hold. He then looked at me with a mild expression that was something between exasperation and ... I don't know, something I can't find a word for right now.

So, I began mentally boxing up my present anxieties and giving them to him. Boxes that seemed enormous and impossibly heavy, he lifted with all the ease that would come with a small box of tissues and set them in his ship. The hold did not fill up, as I worried it would. (That went into a box of its own - something that looked like an iron chest.) The ship did not seem weighted down for the cargo. To get me out of my solemness, Ingvi started whistling, singing, and generally being cheerful about it all. At one point, he actually began juggling boxes. That was what broke my very serious demeanor, by the way.

I felt myself moving into sleep as he took me by the hand and lead me to a place where I could rest with him. My pain was still present, but it did not cause me the emotional distress it was.

Burn it all down, child.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)
Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, clearing skies

Drought Status: Severe

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting here trying to process everything with respect to the election. Signs of fire and disaster leading up to last night really should have been listened to more on my part. I, honestly, hoped that Trump wasn't going to get the electoral votes to secure the presidency. I was wrong. I am upset. I am deeply disturbed. And, I am angry.

I turned to Loki and asked him what the everloving fuck was going on with this result. His response was initially a rather dry 'Indeed.' Then, after a pause, he said, "Don't ascribe human stupidity to divinity." Unlike the other times where I see humans doing human things that are particularly WTF, he was not amused. He sounded tired. A good number of the other folks I know who have an active devotional relationship with Loki have been getting the same results when they inquire the same thing. This leads me to believe this is most definitely an accurate assessment of his position.

As the anger is rising in me, I note with some dark humor that Trump's victory is on the anniversary of Kristallnacht. It is a date that lives in infamy, to be honest. I now question if we will witness our very own version of this infamy in the near future. Pitchforks and torches may be the only good investment right now as all the global markets drop precipitously on the heels of Trump's victory.

One may wonder what this has to do with the meme I posted at the head of this entry. I am quietly being encouraged to hold on to my anger. I'm finding myself exhorted by so many subtle points right now (and I am pointedly avoiding active participation on social media today, I have been working on my novel instead) to hone it and forge my anger into a weapon of resistance. So, I am in the process of deciding what to do.

Fire cures everything, right? If it isn't cured, you have not applied enough fire to the problem, right?

Anxiety + Worship = Inactivity.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, dry, seasonable temp.
Drought Status: Extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Damn my anxiety. I have been so afraid of doing something that will upset or offend any/everyone that I have been inactive on all fronts, even worship. My proverbial curling up in the fetal position, however, has not been ignored. I suppose this leads to a whole pile of uncomfortable feelings as a result. At night, Ingvi and Loki are with me. Sometimes both of them. sometimes one of them. But there is always someone with me, usually talking me out of laying there and panicking over the thought of falling asleep and having nightmares of the past.

I feel horribly guilty about the fact that I have lapsed in my devotional activities. I get so far as lighting a candle. Then I find myself quietly terrified that I'm not good enough, that I will somehow offend the gods, or that the things I was told when I was younger about the emptiness of prayer are all correct. At which point, I back away from the altar and try to occupy myself with something else that will chase those thoughts away. Usually, it's been looking at cat videos on the internet or knitting.

Loki is beginning to get exasperated with it all. When the fear hits the point where I simply can not bear it, he starts telling me things like the fact that I am even trying is a good sign. His response to my anxiety in the face of those things ranges from frustration to something akin to feeling as though he has been personally insulted. But, he hasn't said anything to indicate that I have insulted him. His anger is directed at the people who hurt me in the past. And it is disturbing to view, to be honest.

Ingvi has been quiet about it all. I am not sure how to handle that silence. Well, it is not complete silence. He's been doing things like reminding me to take my medications and eat when I am hungry. Basically helping me take care of myself. Because I haven't been sleeping well, he's been pointedly noting when I have the opportunity to rest during the day and firmly instructing me to do so.

He sings to me.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Unseasonably warm, partly cloudy skies

Drought status extreme.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was having a hard time sleeping again. Ingvi was with me. As I tried to sleep (with the assistance of bendaryl), I heard him singing quietly. He has done this other nights where I have a hard time sleeping. He just holds me and sings. I could remember the music of it, but never the words. Then I stumbled on to Storm Weather Shanty Choir via Spotify. Cue my amazement and surprise when I recognized this. 

For the curious, when he sings, his vocal range is exceptional. He can sing baritone easily as well as tenor. His falsetto is easily in soprano range. It really is amazing. I honestly don't think he has a vocal break.

Stumbling with Apples.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Overcast, stormy

Drought status: extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been unwell. I am taking measures to resolve this. My illness has cut into pretty much everything, which has me feeling frustrated and helpless. I was struggling with this when Ingvi came to me earlier today. At one point, I was literally stumbling over things and getting very angry with it all.  As I caught myself in an effort not to fall over my feet at the grocery store, Ingvi made a point of catching my eye. I looked over and he was standing beside a display of locally grown apples.

He set a hand upon some of them. The pile shifted a little bit. A woman who was in the process of picking some fruit out of a near by bin (that was not attached to the apple display) commented something tart about how the store did a bad job of rearranging everything and that she was pretty sure the apples were just going to fall everywhere. (She was in a sour mood over the fact that my local Walmart turned the fruit and vegetable display about 90 degrees and moved the bananas another 5 feet towards the bread. I don't know why she was so upset over this, because the arrangement made it easier to move the carts through it all but who knows. Sometimes people hate change.) This woman's muttered comment assured me that I was not seeing things, which made me feel a bit better about everything to be honest.

I casually walked over to the apples. Ingvi gave me a smile and said to me, "What do you and the apple trees have in common?" Then he vanished. I wandered around the store, forgetting his question not long after he posed it. This evening, it struck me what I had in common with the apple trees. Despite the adversity that has come up and made life difficult, I continue to grow and do what must be done. I continue to act in accordance with my nature, even though conditions have arisen that makes this difficult to do.

I may be stumbling, but I am still walking. The trees may be struggling, but there are still apples.

There is hope yet, so long as I do not give up.

The air smells of Fire.

New Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Hot, fair skies
Drought declared extreme by NWS

~*~*~*~*~*~

At first, the smell was strongly of cut wood. I didn't think overly much of it because I do live just down the road from a lumberyard. But it is after they have shut their doors for the night, a good number of hours. And none of my neighbors have been working on any sort of home improvement projects in the dark. No noise of tools or lights to illuminate their work. Nothing.

And then the smell changed. Now, the air smells of smoke and my eyes smart with it. I know some of the farmers about are burning the stubble from their fields after taking in their wheat. At the same time, those fields are to the east, the wind would blow that away from me.

I suspect this is an omen. And I fear it bodes ill.

Roses for Ingvi

Waning Buck Moon (Age 28 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Hot, humid
Still in Drought status

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wanted to do something special for Freyr. Today is Lammas, Chelanya, and Freyfaxi. I have dear friends who are holding rites to celebrate today. I didn't have the luxury of time for something extravagant. I found myself out running around getting things ready for the start of school in about a month and taking care of the stuff for summer school that is going on now. Not to mention the pile of stuff I needed to do for just housework and such (not finished by even half, to be honest). That, however, is not a bad thing.

This, the first of the harvest celebrations of the season, is for me a holy day of work. Thus, I spent my day at work and mindful of the blessings that I am currently reaping. I found it fitting that the field that I regularly pass on the way to drop Beloved off at work before I bring the boys to summer school was harvested today. Every day I passed it, I thought of Ingvi. Even as I worried about our drought and how the harvest was going to fare.

I bought him a bouquet of roses. They're yellow. In the Victorian practice of floriography, they mean friendship, joy, and jealousy. Generally, if the flowers are given inverted with the left hand, the negative meaning is the one conveyed. (I did not do so with these.) Also, a full bouquet is an expression of gratitude. I not only happily gave him the full bouquet as an expression of affection and joy in him. I also spent some time at work with my plants in his honor. 

This is something that has become a bit of a bonding time for the two of us during the course of an average week. I don't get nearly as much writing as I wanted to do done. But every week, I have to spend about an hour (actually longer in the outdoor growing season) tending plants. That makes for an hour that I spend exclusively focused upon him. Some people argue that I may be overgeneralizing the concept of Ingvi as the 'Greenman' of Wicca, but their gnosis is different from mine, which is different from someone else's.

Randomness.

This just flashed through my head earlier:

How far off the beaten path must we go to find sanctuary?

I don't think it was an idle thought. I think it was a question posed by the dead. I honestly don't know what the answer would be. Looking at the horror in the world, I question if there is truly a place of sanctuary.

Visions of Fire.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Drought, fair skies,

humid & hot

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It is hard for me to believe that two weeks ago, roughly, I had seen such things in the smoke of a fire. I watched as the smoke and flames twined and the sparks went up into the night. As I did so, I saw simply fire. It was not the fire that was literally burning before me. I saw great raging fires burning out of control across the land. Fires that turned green pines into blazing torches that burned blue with their heat. It was disturbing, to say the least.

The scene of uncontrollable fire burning through previously calm and sheltered places made me deeply uncomfortable. I watched the scene play over and over again. These fires that I saw started in two places. One was a literal forest fire burning a shocking number of hectares. All life that creeped, crawled, ran, and flew fled in chaos. The bodies of water within this forest fire literally boiled away, leaving the fish and creatures that sought shelter in them grisly death before they too burned to ash.

The other fire that I saw was an image like the renderings of the Great Chicago Fire or the fires that raged after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Urban places that were turning to rubble as massive fires roared through them with the same horrific loss of life that these events had played out before my eyes in my visions. When I tore my eyes away from the vision in the fire, I watched as sparks from the fire landed on dry grass and smoked. And still the vision trance held, and I saw these fires spreading beyond the places where they began.

I told myself that I was misunderstanding what I saw. I told myself that the sight was purely symbolic and I was reading too much into the vision. And then last week happened. And my nightmares of fire have happened. I would be a fool to say that there was mere coincidence that the visions of fire came before these recent events. I would be a fool to say that the fires I saw were manufactured by a vain desire to see something.

Fire can be a beneficial thing. The wild fire in the forest, for all the absolute terror and destruction it causes, also brings new life to the forest. It is what opens up the cones of Redwoods and several other conifers so that they might grow. It replenishes the soil of various nutrients. It can have majorly beneficial consequences in the long term, though the immediate consequences are horrific.

It can also be exceptionally harmful. Fire is fickle. The wise always regard it with caution, even when it seems to be 'domesticated.' The little campfire that you build to illuminate your campsite and toast your marshmallows can quite quickly turn into the forest destroying wild fire if it is not handled carefully. And, sometimes, it happens despite our best efforts to prevent such a thing from happening.

Fires are burning right now. Literal and figurative fires are burning across the world. My intuition tells me that we are witnessing the beginnings of the larger fires that I saw in my vision. I advise everyone be ready to work on helping to keep the neighborhood from burning down and be prepared to set some counter fires. Something unpleasant is coming and it is making the smoke foul. Gods willing, we haven't completely fucked everything up.

(I also now understand why Loki was so utterly insistent about his 'hugs'. As things are falling into place, he's been helping me see that I am not completely mad.)

Ingvi's Words of Wisdom

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Very dry, drought risk high

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting here feeling hideous because of the way I look. Ingvi walked up behind me, set his hands on my shoulders, and just cuddled me for a moment. (It's an odd thing to feel like you're being hugged when no one is physically hugging you. Beloved is literally sitting across the room with his back to me right now as he is reading a book.) Anyways, Freyr said something that really is wise. I do a terrible job of remembering it but he is always kind enough to remind me when I forget. Like I did tonight.

He said: Your soft belly is a wonderful, welcoming place for your sons to run to for a loving embrace. Your grey hair are signs of wisdom and well aged beauty. Your fine wrinkles are laugh lines more than lines of sorrow and they deepen the expressions of joy that you show. Each scar is a tale of glory. A badge of honor won with as much courage as blood on the battlefield. Your life has been hard lived and your body has worn the marks of it with grace. Never doubt you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and does not deserve your beauty.

I feel like I don't deserve to have him say such nice things about me. Amusingly, Loki's response to my saying this was the following said in a dry tone: 'That's a paddlin'.' That moment when kink and humor collide to both make you laugh, cheer you up, motivate you to do better, and make you reconsider the foolish choices ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And, of course, Ingvi just smiles indulgently as I kinda blush and mumble whilst Loki grins.

That last bit actually describes the last few weeks fairly well.

A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.

Because Love.

Because Someone nudged me and pointed this out.

Letters to Loki No. 38

Dear Loki,

I am tired. Physically, I suppose I am ok. But mentally, I am exhausted. It has been a very long couple of days. Looking around at Facebook and pretty much every other social platform, I am constantly finding things about tragedies. It doesn't do me much good when I'm not at a very healthy mental state to see that kind of stuff. I spent most of my day off of the computer. I wandered around the neighborhood and things felt oppressive.

The weather wasn't bad. It was kinda cloudy and cool, but that is welcome change from the high heat and humidity from last week. No, I don't know why I felt like the deck was stacked against me all day. I suppose it could be my having a bit of a mood hangover, for lack of a better expression, after yesterday's busyness and activity. I really didn't accomplish much today and I am disappointed with myself over that, which probably also contributes to this general sense of depression.

It is the last full week of school for the kids. I've been doing my best to not think about the stress that may come of it. It isn't working out that well for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I'm sure that something will be figured out.

♥

A matter of Wine.

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 6 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Sultry, possible rain in late night

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was getting ready to pour out an offering of wine to the gods. As I got the bottle out of where it had been chilling, Ingvi and Loki say (almost in unison) "You should drink that." I wanted to ask why they didn't want it and they just ... smiled at me. I have a feeling that something is up. So, I am sitting here, waiting for my sons to fall asleep, drinking some red wine and trying to figure out what on Earth I am going to type. It has been such a long day. Tomorrow looks like it will prove longer. Maybe I will be lucky and it will not be to terribly humid.

A poem for Freyr

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
~*~*~*~*~*~

Your love is like tender violence

Strip away my armor

Rip apart my walls

Brush away my defenses

Take me in your arms

Keep me as your own

I have been blind

Remove the gauze

Blind me with your light

My hands are bound

I can not fight this

Just as the tide rises

So too does this madness

Drown me in your love

And let me be reborn

Letters to Loki No. 37

Dear Loki,

I am pretty tired after the day I had today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I'm pleased with that and I'm glad that I made some serious headway on resolving some of my creative blocks. All that said, I am not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. It is going to be another day of running errands around town. I want to try to get some time in for writing but I'm not sure how. I have a pile of housework that needs resolved so that I can get cracking on the few household projects I need done before the kids finish up with school for the year.

I'm a little nervous about how that is going to go. It didn't help matters much when the psych nurse who oversees my meds was voicing her 'concern' about if I am going to be overwhelmed with the kids when they're on break. She is decidedly of the opinion that my problems with depression are all sparked by my response to the stress of the kids being on break. I keep trying to show her that it isn't the case. She, however, has made up her mind as to how things are and pretty much ignores when I say something otherwise. It is very frustrating.

I have finally started work on my sister-in-law's bridal shower gift. It is somewhat funny how I kept finding things that were almost right. I have pretty much given up the idea of using an edging that someone else has designed. I am now in the beginning stages of crocheting an edging that is inspired by the Victorian pattern book I won at the spinning guild's silent auction last year. I started work on it a few hours ago. I have the first row of foundational crochet done along one side and a few inches on a second. I was suspicious that doing five stitches into the corner was going to weaken the fabric. I have discovered, however, it has quite the opposite effect. Cue a significant sense of relief.

I am a bit overwhelmed on how to proceed forward on the project that you've given me. I see a plethora of options before me. It makes things somewhat confusing and hard for me to pick one. A little direction would be greatly appreciated. This way I can figure out at least how to start on it all.

Bushels of Love,
Me

Luck Bringer Lopt!

Waning Crescent Flower Moon (Age: 24 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Partly cloudy, very dry, upper average to
above average temps.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was stalled on making things happen in my life for a while. I had heaps of anxiety and I was generally running in circles going "OH GODS, WHAT DO I DO?!!?!elventyone" Loki nudged me forward. (Read that as he picked me up by the scruff of the neck and tossed me forward.) At his encouragement, I picked up a small pile of hard copies of Book One of the Umbrel Chronicles (a fantasy series that I am writing and blogging about). Again, at his encouragement, I brought them out to spinning guild this month. Now, I had one book that I sold before spinning guild because the gal up the road had seen me working on stuff and was curious.

I honestly thought that it was going to be the only one that I sold. At spinning guild, I gave my elevator pitch and had all of the copies I brought with me sold in less than five minutes. I was in shock and delighted. (Mostly amazed, to be honest. He and Ingvi were both amused with this. As was Beloved who said 'Who'd have thought you would be good at this? You've only been working on it for over twenty years.' Subtlety, it is optional in the sarcasm around this place.)

At Loki's encouragement, today, I stopped in at the bbq place up the street. This is where the gal who bought the first book off the pile works. The minute she saw me, she asked me when she can get book two and informed me that she was about a third of the way through the book and loving it. I was delighted. And then she said that she was going to buy me lunch. I attempted to protest and she laughed and said she was doing it anyways.

And the owner of the business is curious about possibly getting a copy of the book because his employee is so excited about it. I honestly did not anticipate this happening. But, it seems that Loki did and is exhorting me to do more things with this. I'm a little overwhelmed but that happens most of the time with Loki. He's a 'go big or go home' kinda guy.

Did I mention that Loki is very amused with my response to all of this? I wouldn't say he is gloating, but it is something similar. Ingvi is also highly amused. I have a feeling this is the beginning of plans they have for me. Just a suspicion with all of their chuckling and such. The last time they both were like this, life got very interesting in unexpected and pleasant ways.

Wut?

So, I sit here and I'm surrounded by the creative chaos that comes with being a SAHM with a couple of kids in school, with special education needs. I am feeling remarkably zen about it all (usually this is enough to set off a fair amount of anxiety for me). I try to make sense of what is going on and why I feel like this when I feel Him standing by me.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The many, many things popping up on the internet that point back to Ingvi. The almost physical itch to get my hands in the dirt and grow stuff. The dreams of deer, trees, and tilled fields that I keep waking up with them almost before my eyes. The random stuff about bread and beer that flew across my Facebook wall.

Hello, Love, I've missed you. Damn my depression making things so hard. Thank you for being with me through it and being so patient with me as I stumble around trying to figure myself out. And thank you for helping me out of that dark hole.