So, I'm going to try this experiment where I hold a conversation with the Egregore I created. I'm not sure how this will go. Text in a different color denotes the construct's part of the conversation. I don't know if it is sufficiently potent enough to hold some independence or not. This will be interesting.
Q: What is your purpose?
A. To assist in processing traumatic memories.
Q: Is your construction part of the reason why I have been having difficulty sleeping and more frequent emotional flashbacks?
A. This is my primary purpose, to bring material to the surface, sort, and categorize it for assessment.
Q: What is the process that is required to alleviate the trauma memories?
A. Identify the trauma, integrate the memories, and release the pain.
Q. Is there a hierarchy of trauma memories that must be processed?
A. Chronological assessment is the current mode of operation.
Q. How do you sort the trauma memories?
A. The most pervasive are first addressed.
Q: What is the integration process?
A. Repeat exposure of the memory until the dissociation response is extinct.
Q: Why do you have a menacing aura?
A. I am a repository of trauma from an early age.
Q: What information do you have for me at this time?
A. You are not your mother. You are worthy. Your problems sleeping are because you are reliving past events or projecting your fears onto future events.
Q: How might I make the integration process less arduous?
A. Write exhaustively about the experiences and your responses to them. Detail what your triggers are and how to handle them.
2/16/20
Egregore update.
Dear Reader,
I've been haphazard in feeding energy into the doll over the last several months. Been sick and busy with household stuff, like a lot of stuff for the family. The other day, I took the doll out of the bag and did some meditation on feeding energy into it. That was when it took on something of a generally creepy energy. Given that this doll is for shadow work, the creepy energy is appropriate. Even so, it was sufficiently uncomfortable that I put the doll back into the bag and set it aside.
Apparently, my passive feeding the doll by just focusing thought upon it when I saw the bag (which was sitting on the desk by my computer) was an effective thing. The goal of this poppet is to draw out the shadow aspects of myself so that I can work with them. I won't say that the poppet is disturbing. It's a cheapy Belle doll from Walmart that's at best three inches high. But it's starting to take on a quality that I've heard people describe dolls having - some sense of intelligence to it and an alien quality. I didn't exactly expect that to happen.
We're in the last quarter of the February moon. So, this is the time to be working with the poppet. I don't know how to go about that, now that it's picked up something of a spark. I do know, however, that the All-Father wouldn't have suggested this if it wasn't going to be helpful towards my goals. I'm probably going to sit down and have a 'chat' with it during this waning phase. I'll record that here.
I've been haphazard in feeding energy into the doll over the last several months. Been sick and busy with household stuff, like a lot of stuff for the family. The other day, I took the doll out of the bag and did some meditation on feeding energy into it. That was when it took on something of a generally creepy energy. Given that this doll is for shadow work, the creepy energy is appropriate. Even so, it was sufficiently uncomfortable that I put the doll back into the bag and set it aside.
Apparently, my passive feeding the doll by just focusing thought upon it when I saw the bag (which was sitting on the desk by my computer) was an effective thing. The goal of this poppet is to draw out the shadow aspects of myself so that I can work with them. I won't say that the poppet is disturbing. It's a cheapy Belle doll from Walmart that's at best three inches high. But it's starting to take on a quality that I've heard people describe dolls having - some sense of intelligence to it and an alien quality. I didn't exactly expect that to happen.
We're in the last quarter of the February moon. So, this is the time to be working with the poppet. I don't know how to go about that, now that it's picked up something of a spark. I do know, however, that the All-Father wouldn't have suggested this if it wasn't going to be helpful towards my goals. I'm probably going to sit down and have a 'chat' with it during this waning phase. I'll record that here.
2/4/20
Random stuff.
I'm not sure what the moon's age is, but it is a waxing crescent moon. My children have been happily saying hello to Máni when they see the moon in the evening. Máni is my youngest's favorite deity to talk to. They also like to talk to Sunna in the morning. Or when they see the sun come out after a cloudy day. They just like to talk to the gods and tell them about their day or whatever is on their mind. They'll also ask them to help with things like good luck and inspiration. And when there's strong winds they'll ask Aeolus or any other storm deity they can think of to calm the winds. High winds make them nervous, so it is reasonable that they ask the gods to ease them.
I haven't introduced them to Déa yet. I'm waiting for Eastre/Ostara to do that.
My kids have been asking questions about how worlds are made. I've been answering with scientific facts, as best I know them. Then comes the question of "But why does it work like that?" and "Where do the parts come from?" I've replied with "No one knows for sure. But the gods help make it happen." My youngest child, who is a huge Transformers fan has decided to ask the gods to make Cybertron real. He sat down and drew up blueprints for Cybertron and did his best to describe what it needed. Then he put that on the altar. I think it may be time to explain the concept of a multi-verse to him, this way he can stop obsessing quite so much with the concept of visiting Cybertron. If he knows that somewhere out there is another universe where Cybertron is real and another version of himself has visited it and is friends with Optimus Prime, perhaps it will help him be a little less obsessed with it. I don't know.
I haven't introduced them to Déa yet. I'm waiting for Eastre/Ostara to do that.
My kids have been asking questions about how worlds are made. I've been answering with scientific facts, as best I know them. Then comes the question of "But why does it work like that?" and "Where do the parts come from?" I've replied with "No one knows for sure. But the gods help make it happen." My youngest child, who is a huge Transformers fan has decided to ask the gods to make Cybertron real. He sat down and drew up blueprints for Cybertron and did his best to describe what it needed. Then he put that on the altar. I think it may be time to explain the concept of a multi-verse to him, this way he can stop obsessing quite so much with the concept of visiting Cybertron. If he knows that somewhere out there is another universe where Cybertron is real and another version of himself has visited it and is friends with Optimus Prime, perhaps it will help him be a little less obsessed with it. I don't know.
1/27/20
Sweeten your luck jar
Moving in the opposite direction, I made a thing today that is just as delightful to the eye as what I made last week. This one, however, is far more pleasant in its orientation. It is a spell jar to increase good luck and prosperity, among other things.
Ingredients:
cocoa nibs
rose petals
orange peel (dried)
pink Himalayan salt
spring water (tap water can substitute)
sugar (honey or stevia can be used in place of it)
chocolate vodka (or a small quantity of wine or other alcoholic beverage)
quartz crystal chip
bottle to contain it all
candle (to seal with wax)
Process:
With a mortar and pestle, grind the dry ingredients together until a uniform powder. Carefully transfer into your bottle, making sure you don't lose any of it. (I used a paper funnel because my bottle is tiny.) Add your crystal. Then your sweetener. Then your alcohol of choice. Top the bottle off with water. Close it up. Seal with wax.
Method:
Draw a sigil of what you seek to draw to you (money, good luck, romance, etc.) and fold into a shape small enough to fit under your bottle. Shake the bottle to mix ingredients. Place on your sigil and let this sit in a quiet place where it can be subject to natural light. Declare your intent before you set your luck bottle on your sigil. Shake to reactivate or add more potency to your spell on a regular basis. When spell manifests, which can be immediate or up to one month, remove the sigil from beneath the jar and place it in a safe place. When not in use, place your spell jar in a cool, dark shelf where it can steep its ingredients and become more potent over time.
Reasoning:
Cocoa nibs: sweetness and luxury
Rose petals: love and affection
Orange peel: prosperity
Pink Himalayan salt: bind the spell together
Sweetner: sweetness and luxury
Alcohol: bind the spell together and luxury
Crystal chip: prosperity
Water: flowing good fortune
Natural light: empowerment and blessings from nature
Ingredients:
cocoa nibs
rose petals
orange peel (dried)
pink Himalayan salt
spring water (tap water can substitute)
sugar (honey or stevia can be used in place of it)
chocolate vodka (or a small quantity of wine or other alcoholic beverage)
quartz crystal chip
bottle to contain it all
candle (to seal with wax)
Process:
With a mortar and pestle, grind the dry ingredients together until a uniform powder. Carefully transfer into your bottle, making sure you don't lose any of it. (I used a paper funnel because my bottle is tiny.) Add your crystal. Then your sweetener. Then your alcohol of choice. Top the bottle off with water. Close it up. Seal with wax.
Method:
Draw a sigil of what you seek to draw to you (money, good luck, romance, etc.) and fold into a shape small enough to fit under your bottle. Shake the bottle to mix ingredients. Place on your sigil and let this sit in a quiet place where it can be subject to natural light. Declare your intent before you set your luck bottle on your sigil. Shake to reactivate or add more potency to your spell on a regular basis. When spell manifests, which can be immediate or up to one month, remove the sigil from beneath the jar and place it in a safe place. When not in use, place your spell jar in a cool, dark shelf where it can steep its ingredients and become more potent over time.
Reasoning:
Cocoa nibs: sweetness and luxury
Rose petals: love and affection
Orange peel: prosperity
Pink Himalayan salt: bind the spell together
Sweetner: sweetness and luxury
Alcohol: bind the spell together and luxury
Crystal chip: prosperity
Water: flowing good fortune
Natural light: empowerment and blessings from nature
1/22/20
Cursing jar. (Not to be confused with swear jar)
Because of this stupid cold and the kinda busy/chaotic way things have been for the last few weeks, I've lost track of the moon phase and such. We've snow on the ground and the temperature is reasonable for the season, I guess.
I made something today. Rather than just writing it down in my notebook, I decided to post it here in case someone actually had need of it. It's called a cursing jar/bottle. There's a bunch of different ways to make one. It is a semi-passive way to curse people. As per always, be careful casting curses because they have a way to turn back on you if you're not lucky or prepared.
Ingredients:
1 small jar or bottle with stopper
Small quantity of black pepper (in the peppercorn variety)
Small quantity of thorns
Ground red pepper (the spicy kind) or dried pequin peppers
Small quantity of salt
One steel nail (if rusty it is more effective)
Vinegar (if you want to be 'traditional', use urine)
Candle for sealing jar shut
Process:
First clean your jar or bottle completely. Let it dry. Add enough black pepper to cover the base of the jar. Add enough thorns to cover the peppercorns. Add your ground red pepper to layer over the thorns. Add the salt to cover the red pepper. Drop in your nail. Fill with vinegar. Close your jar and seal shut with enough wax so that no liquid will leak out when you shake the jar.
To use, have a target in mind and a paper representation of them. Could be a sigil just for them. It could be a picture or their name written down. Shake the jar to activate it. Pronounce your curse upon the target and place the cursing jar on the representation of your target. Leave the jar on the representation for as long as you want the curse to be active. To remove the curse, take the jar off of the image and state "My will is done. I'm through with this, begone [name]." This acts to mark the end of the curse and to send the target of the curse away from you. If you can muster up spite in your words as you pronounce the end of the curse, the farther away your target will be pushed from your sphere of influence.
Now, why did I use these ingredients?
Black pepper is an irritant. Thorns cause pain and injury. Red chili pepper is a major irritant (the stuff that makes the peppers spicy in red chili peppers is used to make bear spray). The salt is to bind the target and causes pain when rubbed into injuries. The steel nail is obvious, I hope. If not, just think of how it would feel to step on one. The vinegar is another irritant. And sealing the jar shut is just a practical measure to keep things from making a mess all over the place when you shake the jar.
If you're familiar with the 'hot foot' curse, you'll recognize that most of what I put in here is similar to that curse's jar component. It works a lot like the 'hot foot' curse. It causes irritation, suffering, and pain to the target as long as the curse is activated. It is possible to add more potency to the curse by repeating the curse and shaking the jar daily.
I made something today. Rather than just writing it down in my notebook, I decided to post it here in case someone actually had need of it. It's called a cursing jar/bottle. There's a bunch of different ways to make one. It is a semi-passive way to curse people. As per always, be careful casting curses because they have a way to turn back on you if you're not lucky or prepared.
Ingredients:
1 small jar or bottle with stopper
Small quantity of black pepper (in the peppercorn variety)
Small quantity of thorns
Ground red pepper (the spicy kind) or dried pequin peppers
Small quantity of salt
One steel nail (if rusty it is more effective)
Vinegar (if you want to be 'traditional', use urine)
Candle for sealing jar shut
Process:
First clean your jar or bottle completely. Let it dry. Add enough black pepper to cover the base of the jar. Add enough thorns to cover the peppercorns. Add your ground red pepper to layer over the thorns. Add the salt to cover the red pepper. Drop in your nail. Fill with vinegar. Close your jar and seal shut with enough wax so that no liquid will leak out when you shake the jar.
To use, have a target in mind and a paper representation of them. Could be a sigil just for them. It could be a picture or their name written down. Shake the jar to activate it. Pronounce your curse upon the target and place the cursing jar on the representation of your target. Leave the jar on the representation for as long as you want the curse to be active. To remove the curse, take the jar off of the image and state "My will is done. I'm through with this, begone [name]." This acts to mark the end of the curse and to send the target of the curse away from you. If you can muster up spite in your words as you pronounce the end of the curse, the farther away your target will be pushed from your sphere of influence.
Now, why did I use these ingredients?
Black pepper is an irritant. Thorns cause pain and injury. Red chili pepper is a major irritant (the stuff that makes the peppers spicy in red chili peppers is used to make bear spray). The salt is to bind the target and causes pain when rubbed into injuries. The steel nail is obvious, I hope. If not, just think of how it would feel to step on one. The vinegar is another irritant. And sealing the jar shut is just a practical measure to keep things from making a mess all over the place when you shake the jar.
If you're familiar with the 'hot foot' curse, you'll recognize that most of what I put in here is similar to that curse's jar component. It works a lot like the 'hot foot' curse. It causes irritation, suffering, and pain to the target as long as the curse is activated. It is possible to add more potency to the curse by repeating the curse and shaking the jar daily.
12/3/19
Dear Hacker.
I honestly am amused and almost flattered that you attempted to hijack my account. Kindly go fuck yourself and may a plague of fleas infest your crotch.
10/17/19
Progress?
I'm sick with a sinus infection. I can't be arsed to look up what age the moon is or what it's sign is. It is enough to know that it is waning and it was full on Sunday. The weather's shit right now but it's at least not snowing. The wind's been howling pretty good and I think the jetstream is just above us from the sound of it.
The Egregore experiment has it a few snags. Depression got in the way of actively working with the construct. Despite that, I am finding that I am having a better internal dialogue going on with the different parts of my psyche. I think this indicates that there is progress happening. It would be doing much more if I weren't sick right now. I spent most of today asleep and the afternoon will be my stumbling along in an attempt to keep up with the kids.
I've cast a few spells for healing for friends of mine and their loved ones who are unwell. I'm waiting to see how they manifest.
The spell that I cast for a little more financial security is beginning to manifest. I have a bit more work to push it into full fruition, but I think that it's going to work out well. I just have to get through the waning moon.
The Egregore experiment has it a few snags. Depression got in the way of actively working with the construct. Despite that, I am finding that I am having a better internal dialogue going on with the different parts of my psyche. I think this indicates that there is progress happening. It would be doing much more if I weren't sick right now. I spent most of today asleep and the afternoon will be my stumbling along in an attempt to keep up with the kids.
I've cast a few spells for healing for friends of mine and their loved ones who are unwell. I'm waiting to see how they manifest.
The spell that I cast for a little more financial security is beginning to manifest. I have a bit more work to push it into full fruition, but I think that it's going to work out well. I just have to get through the waning moon.
7/23/19
Egregore is working?
Waning Corn Moon (age: 20 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Humid, mid-70s
Drought status: None
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
While I have been struggling with depression, I've been trying to work with this egregore I've created. Clearly it has picked up the energy that I was impressing into it when my son asked me what the Cinderella doll was doing on the altar. I think that work is beginning to yield some results.
I was doing some journal work and came upon some major realizations with respect to trauma and conditioning that was forced upon me during the period of my life that this egregore is aligned with. I find that the ptsd triggers surrounding housework and more specifically washing dishes are easing up some as well. Perhaps this experiment in creating an egregore to hold the trauma memories and transmute them into neutral memory is having some success.
6/16/19
Components gathered. Phase One complete.
Waxing Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 10 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, overcast, intermittent rain
Drought status: D0
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Initially, I thought I was going to make a poppet for this ritual. In the end, I simply didn't have the spoons for it. I had spent so much energy and effort on making things to calm my nerves (preemie hats and scarves for charity) that I just didn't have the capacity to plan and craft a doll. I wound up buying a small doll for the ritual. It is a Belle doll from Disney. I confess, I am not thrilled with the doll being covered in glitter on one portion of it, but I am debating repainting it anyways.
Aside from the doll, I realized I was going to need some manner of basket or container for the doll to stay in. I have a wide collection of glass jars and similar containers. I think, however, I'm going to use a shoe box or a slightly smaller cardboard box to make a spirit house for my egregore to reside in. If the doll was thinner, I'd use a tin but the dimensions are all wrong. Either way, the spirit residence is going to be in a location where the children can not play with it.
It's purpose is to help me process emotional childhood trauma. I'm waiting for the waning phase of the moon to begin the real work on this level. It's going to be one week a month between now and autumn. My goal is to create more stability in my sense of self and a greater awareness of my safety in the present. The doll is going to house this helper egregore and serve to watch over my therapy efforts.
My hope is that between my pen and paper therapy work and magical shadow work, I can achieve a greater sense of stability and lessen the depth of the depression that comes when memories arise from the depths of my psyche. This experiment, if successful, will be reapplied towards my rage oriented shadow self. There's a great deal of pain there that needs to be healed. Since I don't have a therapist to oversee all of this work, I am drawing off of the shadow work techniques I am familiar with and the therapy history that I have.
When it is during the waning moon, I'm going to be making art because that seems to be how the deeper levels of myself are more comfortable communicating. The job of the egregore is going to be to facilitate communication between these parts of myself and my conscious mind. T-3 days to the empowerment of the egregore.
5/14/19
An experiment in Shadow Work
Waxing gibbous Milk Moon (Age: 10 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Rainy, cool, light breezes
Drought status: 0
~*~*~*~*~*~
I picked up a doll to represent myself in some shadow work. I am not happy with this thing. It has glitter on it. It isn't anything like the doll I was going to make but I just don't have the spoons to make the doll. But, I'm going to try to channel my anxiety into the doll and when I have anxiety issues talk to the doll to work through them.Gods only know I'm going to look like a crazy woman. But, maybe I can make some forward progress in this mess that is my psychiatric health through a little shadow magic. The next step is going to be making masks for the different 'selves' I am trying to sort out. I'd do the paper mask but I need something more durable. Time for a run to the craft store.
My plan is to make the masks for these different pieces of my psyche and wear them as I write in a journal to facilitate expressing what is going on in my head. The journal work I have been doing is not going to well because I'm finding it hard to write due to depression. Maybe this artistic stuff will break through that wall and get me moving forward on this.
4/29/19
Taboo lifted, now what?
Waning Pink Moon (Age: 24 days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies
Drought status: none
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The taboo that I had on posting here has been lifted. I'm not sure what to write at the moment. I just know that Loki's deemed it a safe and proper time for me to begin posting here about the full weirdness of my spiritual life. And that Freyr agrees.My relationships with them continues to deepen. I'm coming up out of a depressive episode followed by a mixed episode that were each a few months long. I don't know if this means that I'm going to be hypomanic soon or what. I am a bit gunshy about posting aggressively anywhere right now. I don't want the wackjobs out there to use my UPG to justify their horrible behaviors. It is bad enough that they're using the tenants of mainstream Asatru and heathenry to 'justify' their garbage behavior.
Loki assures me that I'm too small of a fish for people to go after right now. Social phobia insists that everything I am posting is going to bring down disaster on my head and shoulders. Again, the red head pats me on the shoulder, kisses the top of my head, and tells me I worry too much. This has become the standard response when I get anxious over 'silly' things.
I've been told that I'm not allowed to call the stuff I get anxious over 'stupid' unless they're legitimately stupid things. Turns out I don't get anxious over legitimately stupid things. I've been struggling to keep with this whole 'make yourself healthier' business. Stress has my blood sugar up. Doing yoga hasn't been big on my list of things to do because it's been painful. And I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
Shuffle-mancy strikes again as Lindsey Sterling's Something Wild starts playing. I've been told that I have been forgetting myself in my anxiety over everything. Loki and Freyr have been strongly encouraging me to do more for myself in my self-care. The things that make me feel like myself, like wearing a ton of jewelry and writing bad poetry are being encouraged. I am getting told how I should be taking a more positive look at my body. That last one is really hard. I feel like it's turned traitor with how it is having all of these issues with my cptsd, bipolar ii, seasonal affective disorder, and diabetes. I don't feel strong. I feel broken.
Loki and Freyr are both strongly opinionated on that matter. They tell me I need to change my frame of reference because I'm using an outdated mode to look at myself. Thus, they are all but throwing me into therapy of sorts. I can't find a therapist to work with but things keep coming up that push me to writing about my trauma and poor self image.
I've been pushed into making art again. I feel like it's awful, but they tell me to keep working. They tell me that I'm better than I think I am. So, I'm going to start posting up here the devotional art that I've been making. Like the thing above. I don't know where this is all going, but I trust them. I just don't trust myself not to fuck it up. I'm terrified of that. I don't want to screw everything up and have the nightmare of 2011 happen again.
Loki assures me that it won't. Freyr assures me it won't. Beloved assures me that it won't. I'm still afraid. But, they all tell me that doing the hard thing despite being afraid is courage.
4/26/19
[untitled]
I have been writing down my history as part of my Camp NaNoWriMo project. I'm realizing that I've taken a very weird path to get to where I am. I am a very bad example of what would make a good heathen. I'm a very bad example of what would make a good Wiccan. I'm a terrible example of what would make a good Filianist/Déanist. And yet, here I am writing Filianic prayers and rituals. Here I am teaching my kids about the gods of the Norse peoples. Here I am functioning with parts and pieces of the Wiccan ritual format.
Stargazer told me if I remained on the path I was on that I would be rewarded. I've been struggling to do that of late. Depressive episodes and mixed episodes have really cut into my faith and left me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and I should take down my altar. The fact that people at school are indoctrinating my children into Christian thought bothers me to a degree that I struggle to put into words. I don't know who is doing it. But I want to personally kick their ass up around their ears.
I haven't yet heard the boys talking about how they are afraid that we're all going to go to hell. Mostly they've been hearing about how Jesus is a nice god. They've been hearing about the Christian holidays and getting excited about the idea of celebrating them. (They were not pleased when we didn't celebrate Easter like most of our neighbors complete with presents. They did get a small treat for Ostara and I gave them a gift back at the Equinox, but they didn't completely make the connection between the two.)
I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to raise a couple of pagans with out a local community to support me in the process. This is depressing and exhausting. I look at what the homeschooling Christians are doing to educate their children in their spiritual development to get ideas for what I can take and use. It is not going so great. I don't have the resources to make workbooks and packets. I don't have a book of scriptures (because there are so many different myths you don't get just one book and finding kid friendly books of mythology is hard) so I can't sit there and do 'scripture study' with them.
I'm debating introducing them to Filianism because it is structurally similar to Christianity. I'm just not sure if that is a good idea. After all, my eldest has decided to be a devotee of Zeus and gods only know where I'm going to start on helping him build that relationship.
Stargazer told me if I remained on the path I was on that I would be rewarded. I've been struggling to do that of late. Depressive episodes and mixed episodes have really cut into my faith and left me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and I should take down my altar. The fact that people at school are indoctrinating my children into Christian thought bothers me to a degree that I struggle to put into words. I don't know who is doing it. But I want to personally kick their ass up around their ears.
I haven't yet heard the boys talking about how they are afraid that we're all going to go to hell. Mostly they've been hearing about how Jesus is a nice god. They've been hearing about the Christian holidays and getting excited about the idea of celebrating them. (They were not pleased when we didn't celebrate Easter like most of our neighbors complete with presents. They did get a small treat for Ostara and I gave them a gift back at the Equinox, but they didn't completely make the connection between the two.)
I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to raise a couple of pagans with out a local community to support me in the process. This is depressing and exhausting. I look at what the homeschooling Christians are doing to educate their children in their spiritual development to get ideas for what I can take and use. It is not going so great. I don't have the resources to make workbooks and packets. I don't have a book of scriptures (because there are so many different myths you don't get just one book and finding kid friendly books of mythology is hard) so I can't sit there and do 'scripture study' with them.
I'm debating introducing them to Filianism because it is structurally similar to Christianity. I'm just not sure if that is a good idea. After all, my eldest has decided to be a devotee of Zeus and gods only know where I'm going to start on helping him build that relationship.
4/8/19
Dreams of late.
Waxing Egg/Pink moon (age 3 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have been having dreams of my dead coming to me and trying to talk to me but something keeps getting in the way. Sometimes it is a wall of glass. Sometimes it is a river of roaring water. And sometimes I just can't hear them.
I am quite unhappy right now because I seem to have a number of things going off cockeyed. Stress over the last few months has made my blood sugar readings creep higher. My being unwell hasn't helped that any. I am depressed. It's been screwing up everything it seems.
I try to spirit journey and I hit a wall. Or should I say, I am surrounded by fog and I can't get through it, which I know represents my illness. It spring time. I should be past the seasonal affective disorder and on my way into a more productive period. And yet, here I am, depressed and not functioning very well.
I pray but it feels like I am talking to empty air right now. With someone else's voice.
I worry that my malaise will make its way into the things I am working up for charity and some how inflict unease upon the recipient. I am so tired of being sick.
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have been having dreams of my dead coming to me and trying to talk to me but something keeps getting in the way. Sometimes it is a wall of glass. Sometimes it is a river of roaring water. And sometimes I just can't hear them.
I am quite unhappy right now because I seem to have a number of things going off cockeyed. Stress over the last few months has made my blood sugar readings creep higher. My being unwell hasn't helped that any. I am depressed. It's been screwing up everything it seems.
I try to spirit journey and I hit a wall. Or should I say, I am surrounded by fog and I can't get through it, which I know represents my illness. It spring time. I should be past the seasonal affective disorder and on my way into a more productive period. And yet, here I am, depressed and not functioning very well.
I pray but it feels like I am talking to empty air right now. With someone else's voice.
I worry that my malaise will make its way into the things I am working up for charity and some how inflict unease upon the recipient. I am so tired of being sick.
3/12/19
Blog Reboot
I'm getting signs that I should reboot this blog and get back to posting on here. The storm hasn't passed yet but apparently I should start working on here again. Look for more details after the equinox. I'm going to be archiving past material, once I figure out how to do it. Blog format may be changing as well.
6/29/18
Going radio silent.
On this blog, that is.
As per the guidance of deities and the dead, I'll be shutting down this blog. The blog will continue in spirit via Veiled Witch.
I also want to add, they gave me a warning to share.
"You are being watched. You are all in danger. Keep to the shadows and move quickly. Your enemies are preparing to strike. But they can't hit a moving target in the dark. And they're standing in a spotlight, making them an EASY TARGET. Keep your heads down when necessary."
Shield up and push forward.
As per the guidance of deities and the dead, I'll be shutting down this blog. The blog will continue in spirit via Veiled Witch.
I also want to add, they gave me a warning to share.
"You are being watched. You are all in danger. Keep to the shadows and move quickly. Your enemies are preparing to strike. But they can't hit a moving target in the dark. And they're standing in a spotlight, making them an EASY TARGET. Keep your heads down when necessary."
Shield up and push forward.
6/17/18
I knew this...
I knew this month was going to be bad. I had seen signs of it. Lots of them. I did not dream it would be this bad.
I am despondent with grief. Depression has been a beast for months.
I lack words. And so I pray. I am not even sure what I am praying for, only that I am praying. I don't even know which deity to turn to, all of them?
I am despondent with grief. Depression has been a beast for months.
I lack words. And so I pray. I am not even sure what I am praying for, only that I am praying. I don't even know which deity to turn to, all of them?
6/11/18
Book Review: The Catechism of the Catholic Church (Part 1)
Title: Catechisim of the Catholic Church
Editor: Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Publisher: Doubleday Date: 1995
Part one, Section II gives a resonable way to recognize other religions as spiritual kinfolk to Christianity and Catholicism. Note discussion in No. 32 of this section.
Question re: Pt. 1, Ch 1. Section 3 No. 38 -
Why is it not argued that God would reveal such knowledge to the faithful seeker's heart and mind? Wouldn't God do that? If you're truly interested in your faith, wouldn't you ask for divine guidance? Perhaps I'm not looking at it correctly.
Pt. 1, Ch. 3 Att. 1 Sec. 3 No. 155 -
"Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."
- Above statement derived from St. Thomas Aquinas
- All things revolve around truth.
Pt. 1 Ch 2 Sec 3 can be summarized thus:
The bible was written by man inspired and influenced by God. Must be read in proper context and with understanding of literary styles used.
pt 1 Ch 3 Art. 1 Sec 3 No159 -
Very interesting - "[...] methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific matter and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God [...]"
Following that is a discussion of freedom of faith. I.e.- faith in God must be freely given. Forced conversion is anethema. Conversion by example and education is correct.
Pt. 1 ch 3 art 1 sec 3 Nos. 163-5 -
Faith vs. dark night of soul; look to faith that has persevered during times of trial.
Pt 1 ch 3 art 2 No. 166-
"Faith is a personal act. [...] No one can believe alone; just as no one can live alone. [...] I can not believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith i help support others in the faith."
- look to the community of believers (the Church) for mutual support and companionship during the darknight of the soul.
Pt. 1 ch. 3 art 2 sec 2 no. 170 -
"We do not believe in formulas but in those realities they express, in which faith allows us to touch [...]"
- Tradition (dogma) is flexible. Earlier section in Pt. 1 Ch 2 says larger traditions of Church as a whole are guides to expression of local traditions therefore:
a. Regional traditions add to Church's flexibility
b. Regional traditions make Church more responsive to needs
c. Regional traditions make Church more accessible
This preserves the spirit of Catholicism as embodied during the house church era.
pt. 1 ch 3 art 2 sec 3 No 173-5
- look up St. Iranaeus of Lyons
"For through language differe through out the world, the context of the Tradition is one and the same. The Churches established in Germany have no other faith or Tradition, nor [...], nor those of the Celts, [...]" - does this prove my earlier argument?
Apostle's Creed = individual profession of faith
Nicene Creed = collective profession of faith
[Edited to remove copy of Apostle's Creed and Nicean Creed.]
- images pale with spiritual truth, God has no gender.
- Mary concieved with truth and honestly.
- Jesus was a man, Jeasus was the son of truth and honesty.
- Jesus, as a man suffered, experienced temptation, experienced despair & loss of faith (hell), pronounced dead, rose again and went to his followers.
- Jesus's spirit then acended to Heaven (nirvana, what ever the name of that place of truth) and is with God. Jesus's spirit will return to judge all.
How can Jesus be with us all the while and we failed to see it?
Pt. 1 Paragraph 3 Sec. 3 no. 555-6
Why did the Father will the suffering of the Son?
- suffering stated as a necessary component of life?
- daily life is holy
- all sinners responsible for crucifixion & passion thru hypocracy and defamation of the memory of Christ? hypocracy = relapse into sin?
- Jesus's murder was permitted, why? To bring about salvation; to restore a positive relationship with God?
- despair at Gesthame = assumption of sin?
- cross = Selepnir/Yggsidrall?
- suffering servant = humanity's champion?
pg. 164 paragraph 633, 645
hell = abode of the dead
"[...] For this reason the risen Jesus enjoys the soverign freedom of appearing as he wishes: in the guise of a gardener or other forms familiar to his deciples, precisely to awaken their faith."
- God is an independendly revealed experience. God appears to us in forms and way we can understand.
- Jesus willed his crucifixion?
[I paused in reading this to read the next text.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06
I am clearly not a Catholic. At the time I was reading this and other Catholic texts, I was seriously contemplating converting. Messy story later, I remain a witch but have a deep appreciation for the technical elements of this faith. And some of that wisdom has influenced my own practices and considerations upon the matter of theology.
Editor: Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Publisher: Doubleday Date: 1995
Part one, Section II gives a resonable way to recognize other religions as spiritual kinfolk to Christianity and Catholicism. Note discussion in No. 32 of this section.
Question re: Pt. 1, Ch 1. Section 3 No. 38 -
Why is it not argued that God would reveal such knowledge to the faithful seeker's heart and mind? Wouldn't God do that? If you're truly interested in your faith, wouldn't you ask for divine guidance? Perhaps I'm not looking at it correctly.
Pt. 1, Ch. 3 Att. 1 Sec. 3 No. 155 -
"Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."
- Above statement derived from St. Thomas Aquinas
- All things revolve around truth.
Pt. 1 Ch 2 Sec 3 can be summarized thus:
The bible was written by man inspired and influenced by God. Must be read in proper context and with understanding of literary styles used.
pt 1 Ch 3 Art. 1 Sec 3 No159 -
Very interesting - "[...] methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific matter and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God [...]"
Following that is a discussion of freedom of faith. I.e.- faith in God must be freely given. Forced conversion is anethema. Conversion by example and education is correct.
Pt. 1 ch 3 art 1 sec 3 Nos. 163-5 -
Faith vs. dark night of soul; look to faith that has persevered during times of trial.
Pt 1 ch 3 art 2 No. 166-
"Faith is a personal act. [...] No one can believe alone; just as no one can live alone. [...] I can not believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith i help support others in the faith."
- look to the community of believers (the Church) for mutual support and companionship during the darknight of the soul.
Pt. 1 ch. 3 art 2 sec 2 no. 170 -
"We do not believe in formulas but in those realities they express, in which faith allows us to touch [...]"
- Tradition (dogma) is flexible. Earlier section in Pt. 1 Ch 2 says larger traditions of Church as a whole are guides to expression of local traditions therefore:
a. Regional traditions add to Church's flexibility
b. Regional traditions make Church more responsive to needs
c. Regional traditions make Church more accessible
This preserves the spirit of Catholicism as embodied during the house church era.
pt. 1 ch 3 art 2 sec 3 No 173-5
- look up St. Iranaeus of Lyons
"For through language differe through out the world, the context of the Tradition is one and the same. The Churches established in Germany have no other faith or Tradition, nor [...], nor those of the Celts, [...]" - does this prove my earlier argument?
Apostle's Creed = individual profession of faith
Nicene Creed = collective profession of faith
[Edited to remove copy of Apostle's Creed and Nicean Creed.]
- images pale with spiritual truth, God has no gender.
- Mary concieved with truth and honestly.
- Jesus was a man, Jeasus was the son of truth and honesty.
- Jesus, as a man suffered, experienced temptation, experienced despair & loss of faith (hell), pronounced dead, rose again and went to his followers.
- Jesus's spirit then acended to Heaven (nirvana, what ever the name of that place of truth) and is with God. Jesus's spirit will return to judge all.
How can Jesus be with us all the while and we failed to see it?
Pt. 1 Paragraph 3 Sec. 3 no. 555-6
Why did the Father will the suffering of the Son?
- suffering stated as a necessary component of life?
- daily life is holy
- all sinners responsible for crucifixion & passion thru hypocracy and defamation of the memory of Christ? hypocracy = relapse into sin?
- Jesus's murder was permitted, why? To bring about salvation; to restore a positive relationship with God?
- despair at Gesthame = assumption of sin?
- cross = Selepnir/Yggsidrall?
- suffering servant = humanity's champion?
pg. 164 paragraph 633, 645
hell = abode of the dead
"[...] For this reason the risen Jesus enjoys the soverign freedom of appearing as he wishes: in the guise of a gardener or other forms familiar to his deciples, precisely to awaken their faith."
- God is an independendly revealed experience. God appears to us in forms and way we can understand.
- Jesus willed his crucifixion?
[I paused in reading this to read the next text.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06
I am clearly not a Catholic. At the time I was reading this and other Catholic texts, I was seriously contemplating converting. Messy story later, I remain a witch but have a deep appreciation for the technical elements of this faith. And some of that wisdom has influenced my own practices and considerations upon the matter of theology.
Book Review: The Joy of Praying the Rosary
Title: The Joy of Praying the Rosary
Author: Msgr. James M. McNamara
Publisher: Ressurection Press Date: 2003
Pg. 49 - The Kingdom of God is simply love.
Pg. 51 - Why are moments of feeling God's presence during prayer typically rare?
"One burden is the experience of trying to express to others what seems too ineffable for words." - True!
Pg. 52 "All is gift. All is grace. The only proper response to a gift is gratitude." - True!
- surrender = acceptance
- Did God have a choice regarding the Crucifixion?
Pg. 59 "Jesus suffered as expitation of our sins." Why did Jesus have to suffer?
Pg. 64 Why does/would Jesus love me?
Pg. 65 "[...] pray as you can, not as you can't and do not try to run faster then grace."
The suffering of humanity described on pg. 67 reminds me of the book of Job.
Pg. 70 "Only in God will we find true joy and lasting peace."
- This reminds me of Augustine's statement about the soul's longing for God.
Pg. 72 "[...] He [Jesus] gives his life through forgiveness. In the midst of His agony He speacks to His beloved Father: 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do [...]." - mercy & unconditional love?
Msgr. McNamara says Jesus quotes Psalm 22 in that statement. I should look that up.
Luke 24:5 - past vs present?
Pg. 84 lesson- let go past. Give it to God.
Pg. 87 "[...] let us pray for the gift of perserverance."
- Home is where love is.
[Edited to add: I still find myself deeply moved by this text. It may not be something that is of the faith that I practice, but there is a great deal of truth in it.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06
NOTE: Some of my notes make sense to me today looking back on this. The rest I need to grab a copy of the book and read the context for it. I really should have done a better system for notation here.
Author: Msgr. James M. McNamara
Publisher: Ressurection Press Date: 2003
Pg. 49 - The Kingdom of God is simply love.
Pg. 51 - Why are moments of feeling God's presence during prayer typically rare?
"One burden is the experience of trying to express to others what seems too ineffable for words." - True!
Pg. 52 "All is gift. All is grace. The only proper response to a gift is gratitude." - True!
- surrender = acceptance
- Did God have a choice regarding the Crucifixion?
Pg. 59 "Jesus suffered as expitation of our sins." Why did Jesus have to suffer?
Pg. 64 Why does/would Jesus love me?
Pg. 65 "[...] pray as you can, not as you can't and do not try to run faster then grace."
The suffering of humanity described on pg. 67 reminds me of the book of Job.
Pg. 70 "Only in God will we find true joy and lasting peace."
- This reminds me of Augustine's statement about the soul's longing for God.
Pg. 72 "[...] He [Jesus] gives his life through forgiveness. In the midst of His agony He speacks to His beloved Father: 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do [...]." - mercy & unconditional love?
Msgr. McNamara says Jesus quotes Psalm 22 in that statement. I should look that up.
Luke 24:5 - past vs present?
Pg. 84 lesson- let go past. Give it to God.
Pg. 87 "[...] let us pray for the gift of perserverance."
- Home is where love is.
[Edited to add: I still find myself deeply moved by this text. It may not be something that is of the faith that I practice, but there is a great deal of truth in it.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06
NOTE: Some of my notes make sense to me today looking back on this. The rest I need to grab a copy of the book and read the context for it. I really should have done a better system for notation here.
5/14/18
Book review: The Cloud of Unknowing
Title: The Cloud of Unknowing
Author: Anonymous, 13th Cent.
Translator: [I failed to note this.]
Publisher: [I failed to note this.]
Date: [I failed to note this.]
I've started to read the Cloud of Unknowing. The historical context of this text has made for facinating reading, but a part of me wants to skip a head to the real text. I'm ging to finish reading this context setting preface, though. A lesson in patience is necessary if I am finding this fustrating. This preface is that lesson.
Grace is hidden in us all. Few learn to (or attempt to) uncover it from the mound of daily cares and falsehoods that creat a placid seeming life.
Carelessness as a part of sin? An interesting concept that isn't voiced much.
[Edited to add: I read this and the other texts on Christian theology as I was exploring Christianity and seriously considering conversion to that faith.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06 on LiveJournal
Note: I have a copy of this. I will be re-reading it and updating notes and such. But, here is the original book review/notes in their terrible spelling and equally awful editing. I found this book to be really useful. So, I'm going to be going over it again. This time, I will have all of the info for the book because I actually own it and I'm not borrowing it from the library.
Author: Anonymous, 13th Cent.
Translator: [I failed to note this.]
Publisher: [I failed to note this.]
Date: [I failed to note this.]
I've started to read the Cloud of Unknowing. The historical context of this text has made for facinating reading, but a part of me wants to skip a head to the real text. I'm ging to finish reading this context setting preface, though. A lesson in patience is necessary if I am finding this fustrating. This preface is that lesson.
Grace is hidden in us all. Few learn to (or attempt to) uncover it from the mound of daily cares and falsehoods that creat a placid seeming life.
Carelessness as a part of sin? An interesting concept that isn't voiced much.
[Edited to add: I read this and the other texts on Christian theology as I was exploring Christianity and seriously considering conversion to that faith.]
Originally Published: 8/23/06 on LiveJournal
Note: I have a copy of this. I will be re-reading it and updating notes and such. But, here is the original book review/notes in their terrible spelling and equally awful editing. I found this book to be really useful. So, I'm going to be going over it again. This time, I will have all of the info for the book because I actually own it and I'm not borrowing it from the library.
4/5/18
Booted from the plane.
Waning Blue Sap Moon (Age: ???)
Sign: ???
Weather: Unseasonably cold, flurries with sun
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So, a while back, my friend L. gave me a reading. I was cautioned that I needed to 'jump out of the plane or be booted out of it before it crashes' to paraphrase the entire reading. Since then, the theme of jump or be kicked off keeps popping up.
I'm a hard headed idiot sometimes. The gods are not patient with hard headed idiots for very long. There were warnings that something was coming along. Then they gave me a very direct object lesson in the importance of self-care. So, I learned from that lesson. I had fawn's legs but I was starting back on the road to good health and proper self-care.
Then I got diagnosed last week with diabetes. It was a combo of jumping from the crashing plane of bad habits and getting booted out of it, because I'll confess that I faltered. I got scared that I was going to fuck up my healthy habits again, like I have pretty much every time my mood goes haywire (thanks bipolar, may Loki show you what he finds funny). The day I walked into the doctor's office was a harried day that I had missed doing my morning yoga and dropped a cup of coffee on the counter (didn't break the mug just covered the counter with coffee).
I'm scared but I'm doing my best. Hence why I am typing slowly due to fingers having been pricked for blood sugar testing multiple times over the last several days. I put a lot of effort today into not having stuff that is filled with carbohydrates. It seems a bitter irony that a godspouse of Freyr can't have carbohydrates. The gods, however, have their sense of humor and I'm sure will help me find something amusing in all of this.
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