The Goddess is Love

We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
And we know that earth's balance will one day be restored,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
And together we'll spread the news the Goddess is in our land,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

All praise to the Lady from whom all things come,
And all praise to the Horned Lord who makes us one,
And all praise to the people for joy and creation,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

~ Anon. (adapted from They Know We Are Christians)

This little chant has been rattling in my mind for a few days now. It has been a gentle refrain as I struggle with my own challenges and individual problems. I find myself struggling with major self-image and self-worth issues. As Beloved pointed out to me, my problems are no less legitimate then his. He calmly and quite completely explained that my psychological difficulties are as in need of treatment as a physical one. Then he reminded me that I was worthy of healing, being loved, and of being successful. It brought me to tears.

This morning, as I lit my spell candle, it again struck me that the Goddess is love. She is more then that romantic rosy feeling that throws us topsy-turvy. She is the deep, abiding and compassionate love that is unconditional and sustaining. She is loving with out regard for how worthy a person feels they are or the opinions that others have of them. Unconditional love simply loves a person because they are there to be loved.

I've been struggling with cultivating that type of love for myself. And the faint refrain "we are love, love, love." just keeps echoing. I started this spell a little over a week ago. It is simply focused upon cultivating the love that I need in my life to be genuine to who and what I am. I now wear about my wrist a band with a charm in the shape of one of the ancient votive offerings to the Earth Goddess with the addition of a tiny heart.

I keep repeating my prayer that I started out with at the beginning of this whole process almost four years ago: Let me be healthy in body, mind, and soul. Taking the time to align myself with the Goddess in her face as Love, I think ... I think it will heal me as much as my vigorous efforts with exercise and diet have dramatically increased my physical health.

Contemplations and a compilation

Waning Strawberry Moon (18 days old)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Mildly humid, seasonably warm, fair skies with light haze
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I have been busy with my garden and my children recently. The strawberry plants are getting berries on them. My oregano is growing like crazy and the new pot of thyme that my MiL got me is doing so too. I keep checking on my tomatoes and my pepper plant. I get nervous that they're going to be attacked by aphids or something. Every day, just about, I have been out among my plants. If I'm not watering them, then I'm pulling weeds or just checking them over to make sure they're in good health.

They're like another set of children, to be honest. Speaking of children, my boys are growing as fast as the plants. My eldest is in preschool and they asked me if there were any special family traditions or religious observances I wanted them to keep in mind. I was thrown for an absolute loop when they asked me that. I honestly don't know how to answer that question. A part of me says that it would be wrong to bring up our religion even as another part of me says this is a perfect opportunity to educate the general public about witchcraft.

To say the least, I've been giving it a lot of thought and prayer. I may even do some divination on this matter and talk to a few other witches. At the moment, I think I would have really loved to have Stargazer's and Rose's thoughts on this topic. They, however, are not about me at the moment but elsewhere on the Otherside. You can't exactly pick up the phone and leave a voice mail for the dead to call you back. It generally doesn't seem to work like that. They come and go as they do and on their own sense of time.

And then there is the other things I have been busy with. I've been writing articles about various facets of Wicca for the novice witch. My goal is to take the knowledge that I've learned and put it out in easily understood bites this way the young witches and seekers out there have at least one good source of information. Below is what I have done so far.

Wicca 101
Ancient Myths & Modern Man

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part3

Spiritual Self-Defense & Protection

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4

Wicca 201
Divination

As I write more articles, I'll post links to them on here.

Musings on Spinning

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous (10 days old)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm & cool front just passed in the last few hours
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As I have gotten more involved with the ancient craft of spinning, I have been attempting to find out old legends, stories, and wisdom regarding it. This has proven frustratingly elusive. I suspect that this class of legends have passed out of the folk memory with the exception of a few that were written down (like the Fates spinning out a man's life as a thread or Frigga spinning the clouds). I believe that with the advent of modern machine oriented textile production, the old stories were lost. And that is something that makes me sad.

The more I use my spindle and distaff, the more I feel a connection to my female ancestors. The more I find I feel a connection with the Goddess. I have been spinning a lot lately. The fiber I have been using isn't long enough to merit using my distaff, but one of my small collection of distaffs has a prized place upon my altar. It is in part a tool of my age old domestic craft and in part a sacred object. (I'm very much a kitchen witch in that respect.) My spindles are either busily in use or waiting for use. They're not still long enough to gather dust.

And I feel that work is sacred. Not what people uphold as the dreaded four letter connotation - that soul crushing, mind numbing thing which has all the feel of slavery in it's grip upon mankind is most definitely not what I view as sacred. Indeed, that I believe could be argued as profanity. No, work is the life sustaining tasks we engage in. The things we do out of love and necessity for the sake of ourselves, our families, and that which we believe in. The man who has a job he feels proud of and feels that he is contributing to his life and the lives of others... that man is engaged in the holy form of work. The one who is just dragging himself through the day for a paycheck, he is suffering a perversion of that first form of work.

I suppose all of that makes one question where my 'hobby' of spinning fits into this. I have several reasons why I spin. First, I spin because I enjoy it and it soothes me. As a person who suffers with anxiety on a daily basis, it is vital that I have something that helps me keep my mind at ease. With out it, I can scarcely function, let alone be a good mother and wife. Secondly, I spin because I feel a sacred connection to my ancestors and the Goddess. To engage in a task so intimately connected with the lives of those who founded my line and so sacred that the Goddess herself engaged in it... it is an act of worship and meditation to do so. Thirdly, I spin because I then can make useful and helpful things from my efforts. I can take raw fiber and eventually have hats and scarves for my husband and children.

Sure, I suppose I could go and buy all of my yarn at the local WalMart. There's lots of lovely colors and synthetic yarn is a lot easier to care for. At the same time, however, I can't shake the feeling that it is ecologically more responsible for me to spin. I am not depending upon the labor of some person who is being exploited to run a dangerous piece of equipment in a fiber mill in some third-world country. I'm not adding to the coffers of businesses that poison the earth with their chemical byproducts in producing the raw material for those synthetic fibers used in those mills.

Oh, I still will get some of that synthetic yarn, but I am gradually moving away from my dependency upon it. I am doing my best to start using more recycled yarn. I am beginning to comb the second hand shops for sweaters and similar items to frog and fashion into new things. I have been collecting bits and pieces of yarn that are left overs from other projects I have done to use in things like scarves and baby blankets. The more I do along these thrifty lines, the more I feel better about what I am doing. And still I spin.

When I am happy, I spin. When I am sad or fearful, I spin. When I am inspired, I spin. When I am devoid of even a remote flash of inspiration, I spin. With each turn of the spindle, each twist of the fiber, and each moment of time I am spinning, I pray. I wonder if my prayers are the same as my ancestresses.

I pray for peace of mind. I pray for the health and well being of my loved ones. I pray for justice for the wronged. I pray for health for the world and for all people of the world to know at least one good night's sleep. I pray for blessings to be infused into my work to bring well being to the person who eventually receives or wears what I make. I pray that those who bring evil into the world are opposed and eventually put to rights.

I also secretly pray for more fiber to spin, at times. I pray that my spindles won't break. I pray that I will continue to improve in my efforts to learn this craft. I pray that I actually master the knitting techniques I have been stumbling and struggling with. I pray that the materials I am using will prove strong enough to be used for any future project, be it weaving, knitting, crochet, or some other textile art form.

It's a whole lot for a twirling stick with some fiber wrapped around it. Perhaps, just perhaps, I will get glimmers of what my ancestresses thought of and did as they spun. I know one thing, I am going to continue to pray and spin for a long time.

A thought on Prophecy

Moon Phase: Waxing Strawberry Moon (5 days old)
Moon Sign: Leo
Weather: Fair skies, warm
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I was emailing a dear friend of mine when I briefly touched upon the subject of the Sight. The Sight, also known as Second Sight, is precognitive visionary experiences. Everyone experiences it at some point in their life, even if they pass it off as deja vu. Some of us are afflicted with it much more frequently. It... It doesn't work like how some people would like it to. We can't predict winning lotto numbers or sport's scores. If we happen to See something pertaining to economic things, it's usually a very general thing because of how big the world's economy is. So, psychics can't really make a proverbial killing on the floors of the Stock Exchange either.

Sometimes, we see things about weather. Sometimes we see things about family events, be it a crisis or a happy occasion. Rarely do we See something pertaining to ourselves. Second Sight is really more of a burden at times then it is the stereotypical 'blessing' that it would popularly be assumed to be. Some of us live our lives in fear of being declared insane, so we keep our revelations to ourselves unless it is utterly necessary to express them. And when we do communicate what has been mystically revealed to us, it is usually to a small group of people, people we trust intimately.

Prophecy... Prophecy is different from the Sight. It is more then the flash of intuition or the brief vision. Prophecy is direct communication from the divine. It can be sublime and wonderful or it can be terrifying. Either way, no one comes away from the experience unchanged.

For me... For me prophecy is more frequently a frightening experience. As I described it earlier tonight, it is as though I am caught in a violent storm and threatened to be swept away by the wind and rising mystical tied. I feel my mouth fill with words. It is as though something heavy is on my tongue and yet... There are times where music seems to just burst from within me, though I don't know where it comes from. The times where I feel music bursting... those are blessed moments where I know that the prophecy is a happy thing. In either case, I tremble and feel as though my blood is afire.

I don't talk about when these things happen to me. I learned very early on that to do so was dangerous. People took these kinds of things very badly. So, I kept it secret for a very long time. It, however, is beginning to happen more frequently again. While I don't like the feeling that I'm going to be swept away, I know that prophecy never comes from a place of evil. It humbles me. It teaches me. And ... I suppose I am blessed by the experience.

I just fear how my fellow man will take the things that the Gods whisper into my soul.

Falling into old patterns

Waxing Strawberry Moon
Phase: Waxing (4 days old) Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, warm but seasonably so

It's been a busy last few weeks. This is the second weekend that I have gotten plants and did gardening. The flowerbed has yellow and orange flower seeds planted (marigold and nasturtium). I also have an orange-pink geranium (which seems to be doing quite well) and a orange snapdragon (which doesn't look too good right now). The neighbor downstairs gave me bulbs for orange tulips and blue hyacinth. I think I'll be digging up and replanting the paper-whites daffodils that never came up. I found that I missed some when I was working on transplanting them last year.

I'm going to try putting them into a deep pot and giving them some fertilizer. With luck, I'll get some healthy plants out of them. Right now, the poor things are so bedraggled and frail that you'd think they were just this side of dead. My Mother-in-law suggested that the problem is that they weren't buried deep enough last year (the ones in the flowerbed) and agrees that with the others it is a lack of sun. To say the least, I will be fetching another pot for these little dears and casting health related spells for them.

In the midst of my gardening, I repotted my wilted looking ivy. You could just about see the little thing perk up as I watered it. I also took my red miniature rose and repotted it too. I split the entangled roots apart, placed each plant into a pot, and watered them heartily. Over the next few days, I expect that they'll flourish. Goddess willing, these plants will do so. One of the three remains on my altar. Just over the last few hours, it has appeared to grown stronger and healthier. I think that the repotting was just what was needed.

I now have several herbs growing in pots along the wall beside the flowerbed. I have a pot of thyme which I honestly don't know if it's going to recover well or not. It was looking pretty close to dead when I got it. I have two pots of chives (gifted to me from my MiL and repotted because they didn't seem to be doing well in the big pot they were all in). I gave away a third pot of chives to my neighbor downstairs. He was quite delighted to get it and immediately started talking about how he had missed using fresh herbs in his cooking. I have a pot of basil that is doing much better then when I had initially gotten it. The basil looked as poorly as the thyme is when I got it last week. It gives me hope for the thyme.

In addition to these, I have a sweet green bell pepper plant in a generously sized pot. I have little tiny blooms on it. This makes me quite happy. I also have three strawberry plants. Two in one pot and one in the other. They are starting to get blossoms on them. I'm trying to decide if I should pollinate them with a paintbrush or if I want to wait and see if the bees will come by to do it for me. I have two pots of marigold growing on the back deck (where the strawberries are) and a pot with several ivy cuttings in it. I also have the cuttings from MiL's southern-wood and fuchsia back there in a pot.

I am flirting with the thought of repotting my houseplants. The African violet is looking unwell. It is a tough call as to if it is getting too much light or if it's rootbound. I need to do a little more research on that. I also have noticed that one of my snakeplants is looking a little worse for wear as well. I believe that some of this is because the pot is too small and some of it is because there's too many plants in that pot. I may do this bit of 'indoor gardening' later this week.

So, my title of this may seem odd when you view my ramblings about plants and such. I need to put it in to a little context here. First off, I have fallen back into the habit of doing things according to moon-phase again. I weeded and aerated the flowerbed during the waning moon. This was to cast out the unwanted influences on the planting that was going to happen. I've been doing my plantings with the new and waxing moon, to draw in the increasing healthful energies. Thus magically tying my plantings to the waxing moon and sun's energies.

My choice of herbs is a combination of culinary and magical. I won't go on about the uses of them. There's enough herbals out there to describe them. The use of the colors yellow, orange, and red in my choices of flowers (even the hanging basket- it has yellow pansies) is to bring vitality and life into my home and to bless us all with well being. I want to get a set of wind chimes to hang off the shepherd's crook to evoke the blessings of the Gods with each ring. I also want to place into the flowerbed subtle images that call to mind the Gods that I hold devotion for.

Many people have churches they go to. I have my flowerbed to use as my focus for prayer, meditation, and spiritual expression. I'm not ready to take on the shade bed yet. I may do so in a few weeks. Perhaps I'll be blessed enough to locate some hostas and similar plants within my budget or given to me as gifts. I'm not finished yet with my plants, but it feels good to work with them again. I haven't really done this much since when I was living down in Wellsville.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

Changes coming soon!

Stitches and witches, sew what?

Moon Phase: Waxing Blossom Moon (4 day old)
Moon Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild, clear skies and light breezes from the west. Venus is quite brilliant.

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My silly attempts at punning aside, I have spent my time since my last post here engaged in a great deal of spinning, sewing, embroidery, knitting, and crochet. This is not idle behavior but rather closely tied to my efforts to regain my psychological and spiritual health. It may sound a little silly, but I am in effect adopting some of the idea of the Prayer Shawl Ministry into one of my projects.

J & J are two very dear friends of mine who have fallen onto hard times. The husband of this sweet couple (who are like family to my husband and I, the proverbial 'brother from another mother' kind of deal here) has had the misfortune to be in prison because of an unjust law and will remain there until 2013, unless the Gods are kind and some act has him released into his wife's loving arms and liberty before then, healthy and hale. As they struggle to achieve some level of normalcy in this situation and do their best to retain their dignity in what is a truly degrading and dehumanizing situation (an innocent man sent to prison is just terrible for all involved), I was at a loss for what to do to bring a measure of help and comfort to the wife of this couple. They had told us various things we could do, but it really felt paltry in the face of the enormity of this tragedy.

Then I remembered reading about the Prayer Shawl Ministry as I was looking up shawl patterns to make for myself. Instead of a shawl, however, I am making a blanket which they both can share. As I work on this blanket, it is not simply that the blanket itself is going to be stitched with love, compassion, and good wishes for them. For this blanket is being made from hand-spun yarn from myself and those who spin and are willing to donate. The yarn I have made, it is special because into the yarn itself is spun my intentions to express the love, support, and good wishes of my family for these two very dear people in our lives. It may be simplistic but sometimes, it is the simplest forms of magic that work the best.

My newest embroidery project is a sampler done in colors inspired by myself with stitches chosen as they occur to me. It is something of a self-portrait in fabric. It is not a very large sampler, but I am intending to do another and another as I progress forward in my counseling. While my painting has reflected the pain and sorrow of the past, my embroidery has shown the radiant core of joy, peace, and love that has always been within me, undaunted by the afflictions that I have experienced. I haven't yet decided on the motto I'm going to stitch on to this. I am debating between Love Conquers All (in Latin or English, I'm not fully committed yet) or All acts of Love and Pleasure. I am planning on making this little sampler into either a pillow or a rose scented sachet. Either way, it is going to be one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last I see at night. A daily reminder of my strength and the various other wonderful qualities I have within me. My intent is for this to be a love-gift to myself, for Beloved has very wisely pointed out that I haven't done enough kind things like this for myself.

Similar to the crochet blanket I mentioned earlier, I am going to be piecing and sewing a pair of quilts. It was initially going to be three quilts, but the plans for that fizzled out fairly quickly. One quilt is going to be of a modest size and I plan for it to be finished by Yule, at the latest. It is for my brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. Just as the crochet blanket I am making for J & J is going to embody the love and care that I and my family hold for them, this will do so for a woman who has become my sister in name and deed. It may no longer be in name, but she will always be a sister to me and I shall always treasure her presence in my life. This will be a sampler quilt of a very traditional design, there by I hope to not only carry forward my own bit of skills but also the heritage of my family that my brother's disgraceful behavior failed to convey to his wife and children.

The second quilt is going to be large enough for a king-sized bed and it will be what is known by some as a 'double top' or a 'double patchwork' quilt. This is specifically for our dear friend who is in prison right now. One block is going to be made for each month of his sentence. The last six months of his term are going to be for piecing together the blocks, quilting, and finishing this. It will be made with my thoughts and prayers for him. Happy memories, hopes, and everything else that comes to mind as I meditate upon him while I sew is going to be part of this. If I can, I am going to try to get Beloved to do some stitches into this also.

This is what I am working on. By doing this, I not only have tangible evidence in my hands of how I can help others, my love for them, the relationships I am in, and of who I am, I also help to sow peace and love where there is fear and anxiety. Even only a small measure of that helps the world at large.

Spring is the season of growth, if the Gods smile on me, perhaps these seeds will grow and run rampant, crowding out the depression and other things that have served to oppress me and many others. For we are all most severely in need of it.

A season of preparation

There are several people I know who are not Catholic and they are practicing the annual observation of Lent with abstaining from something for the period of time between Ash Wednesday and Easter. If you read some of the history surrounding Lent it becomes clear that the practice of fasting for 40 days is a point of much contention or if fasting was practiced at all by early Christians. With all of this historical uncertainty surrounding the practice, it leaves the question of why this season of fasting has persisted even into modern Catholicism.

Some of it could be light-heartedly ascribed to the same mentality that gives us the lightbulb joke that one of my Catholic friends told me:

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Change! Catholics never change!

This, however, fails to recognize the value of this practice. Before I discuss this, however, I should point out two things about this practice. First, the word Lent comes from the Teutonic peoples who lived in central and eastern Europe. Originally, it simply meant early spring time. In early spring time, we find a practical reason for the fasting of Lent when we look back at the people it comes from. At this point, the weather is still cold and foreboding. The food stores gathered the year before are heavily depleted and the game which had been more plentiful earlier are now more scarce due to a combination of attrition related to the cold weather and relating to hunting. Here, fasting serves to conserve valuable food resources until the warmer weather of spring arrives to make food resources more plentiful.

Secondly, the role of fasting within any religion is fairly apparent. It serves a dual purpose. The first is to purify the body and the second is to induce a state of trance. It is a component in various religious rites all around the world from times in deep antiquity to today's melange of contemporary belief systems. In the structuralized setting of Lent, it serves not only to purify the body but also to guide the one engaged in the practice to a deeper understanding of their beliefs, often in a quasi-mystic sense. This, however, is frequently an unspoken thing in modern Catholicism due to various political factors that I am not going to discuss here.

Voluntarily surrendering something for the sake of focusing upon another is nothing new. In many ways, it can be a routine part of our day (like the diet to lose x number of pounds by summer). When a specific goal is held in mind, letting go of various things becomes easier. The practice of Lent serves to focus the Catholic upon their faith and what it means to be a member of the body of Christ. It is the same as the purpose of Ramadan in Islam, to help the practitioner of their faith to refocus upon their beliefs and what their role in the religion is.

Lent and Ramadan are both seasons of preparation. (Advent is supposed to be one as well but modern society has reduced it down to the annual shopping orgy that it's all but forgotten in a spiritual context.) Within the belief system of modern Witchcraft, there is no season of preparation. There is no season of preparation because we live suffused into the world with out a specific thing to prepare ourselves for, such as the return of a savior. This, however, does not mean that we should neglect our need to refocus ourselves and meditate upon our beliefs.

Farmers and gardeners use the early spring to prepare for planting. We witches would do well to follow that example. There are things that we all shall work towards over the coming seasons of growth. Let us take the time to plan for them and meditate upon how we wish to see ourselves spiritually develop and blossom over the coming year and what we wish to harvest as our accomplishments come Mabon. It will soon be time to begin planting, the Equinox always comes quickly.

Imboleg 2010: preparation

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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I think this year I am going to actually hold a small ritual for Imboleg and invite some folks from the coven that Rose was head of. I also think I am going to invite my sister-in-law and my aunt. I know it is this weekend, but I also know that the ritual does not need to be precisely on that day. I'm actually leaning towards the prospect of combining the ritual with a full moon observance. Saving the private observance of Imboleg for myself at home.

This year is going to be a year of changes. I can feel it coming. I think that we all need to get ready for the coming year and that the changes are going to be big enough that we need to sweep away the remnants of the past year. I am going to be a bit of a sassy thing and bring a little bit of the paganism with me to the game I'm attending this upcoming weekend. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it really wouldn't be fair to everyone. So, I believe I'll just let it remain separate.

For the ritual, if I can manage it, I want to do a candle blessing and purification ritual. I don't know if this thaw is going to hold. If it does, however, I believe that I want to take the opportunity to burn slips of paper with the things we're purifying ourselves of. I also believe that I want to burn slips of paper with prayers for the new coming spring. I'm fairly sure that it will be a straight forward and simple thing. Some of the best magic, however, is the simplest.

Because Imboleg is deep winter's end, I want to reflect this. The last of my winter altar images are going to get put away. I believe that the altar 'furniture' is going to be rearranged somewhat as well, with a new altar cloth laid down. I think I'm going to replace the rose quartz sphere with the marble egg. I also believe that I'm going to replace the raw rose quartz piece sitting there with a clear quartz point. The stalks of wheat that are in the vase sitting on the altar in a position of honor are going to be replaced with a small pot of soil. I'm not fully decided on this. I may just let it stay until it...

Actually, I just figured out what I should do. I should take one of my small bowls that I use for offerings and put seeds in it. I'm going to need to think about what kind of seeds, but it'll make sense soon enough. The colors pink are frequently associated with this Sabbat because it's so close to Valentine's day. I don't know if I want to do that, though. I'm thinking something closer to a spring green. And I'm also thinking that it'd be more fitting to have a small pot of flowers rather then the seeds on the altar.

I don't know what'll be best. I suppose I am rambling, but I do know that enough time has passed that we really should do something. Rose would be heartbroken to see how the circle has fallen apart with out her.

Candle Magic for Healing

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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The link I have above is to a website that has done a fair amount of homework on this subject. They do a pretty good job of representing the 'standard' understanding of color associations for candle magic. I'm not going to write down the spell I used here because I have yet to write it into my Book of Shadows. Furthermore, it is more effective to make your own spell then to use one from someone else.

All of that said, I have a blue candle burning on my altar right now. It is infused with the oils of rose and chamomile. While the packaging for this candle says it is for positive energy, I'm not using it for that. The nice thing about candles in magic is that the people who sell them can suggest what you use them for but you ultimately decide how you use them. I could discuss that and ramble along on that topic for a while but that's not the objective with my post here.

I wanted to talk about healing magic and candle magic. Candle magic is something that works fairly quickly, in my opinion. If I wanted to do magic that manifest within a week or a few days, I get a candle that burns quickly and use it for this purpose. Candles that take longer to burn can equate to a longer time period until manifestation. That is, however, if you are keying your spell to the consumption of the candle. It is possible to focus the spell's manifestation on different elements of the use of the candle.

I have a big fat pillar candle on my altar. It is one that I burn when ever I am praying or meditating. It serves as a visual focus for me and as a representation of my offering to the Gods. Other candles have different purposes and my use of them reflects it. They all have the same basic function, which is to be a physical tie to what I am working to accomplish and a psychological key to help me enter the correct mindset to engage in the task I have. I like candle magic because even the act of lighting the candle helps to settle and focus me. It is a ritual all by itself.

Healing magic... Oh how much of a mixed blessing that is. On one hand, we like to think that healing magic makes us feel wonderful and somehow removes all ailments. It doesn't do that, however. Properly constructed healing magic works to help the subject reach the state that will be maximum health for them at that time. It doesn't specify that they are what is commonly understood as healthy. I've done healing magic that brought that result. I've also done healing magic that brought death. It was not my intent to bring death, but death was the healthiest state for the person to be in, for it released them from the great suffering that they were in.

Healing magic, like love magic, is a double edged sword. My blue candle is focused upon my psychological healing. Since I have put it on my altar and started burning it, it hasn't alleviated my flashbacks, night terrors, or the trembling fear that stalks my heart often these days. Instead, it has been forcing me to confront them by placing situations and events into play that serve either as a mirror or draws these buried things up into the light of my conscious mind. It is not comfortable, gentle, or anything even remotely resembling pleasant.

It is as difficult to heal as it is to be wounded. In many ways, I believe it is harder. I think this healing magic that I am working on is like calling in another pair of hands to assist me in forcing the infection out of a wound that had scabbed over. That other pair of hands won't shrink from something because it causes me discomfort. It is very, very hard to accept that magic works like this but when you do accept it, you become far more successful.

Right now, however, I look forward to when the pain eases back to more tolerable levels. I don't believe I'm going to cast anything to make this healing progress faster because these kinds of things, if they go quickly, seem to turn very, very ugly in the midst of moving rapidly before hitting that desired result.

St. Distaff Day?

Waning Snow Moon, Sagittarius
Cold but seasonal, light area wide snowfall, winds from the north-west
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In Medieval Europe, the day after the Feast of Epiphany was known as St. Distaff day. This was the day when women resumed household work and the holiday season ended. It was a day when pranks were played and men and women embraced the new year. I am not Christian by any stretch of the imagination but there's something to be noted about having a day where work of the home is celebrated.

On my little altar in the living room here, I have a little braided wrist distaff and my spinning materials are all about. I've been ill and much of the household orientation has been upended as a result. Instead of it being done by intention, it was by necessity that my husband took on the role of Mr. Mom for the last few weeks. To say the least, the children were a bit taken aback by the change in routine. In medieval households, such changes were light hearted and done with a sense of exuberance to brighten up the dull days of deep winter.

It was good to have the experience, I think both my husband and I learned a lot from it. I learned that I needed to step back and let him handle things when I can't do them. It's not easy to do that. He learned what I did everyday and the challenges and joys of it. I don't think he's laughed quite as much as he did last week at the antics of the boys in a long time at work. I may intentionally incorporate something like this into the observances of the year, this way we have reminders like this when we need them.

I'm also fairly certain that the little boys will make fine Lords of Misrule. They've got a good start on it as it is right now.

Blessed Yule.

Moon: Waxing, in the sign of Aquarius
Weather: Cold, scattered lake effect snow
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It is fitting that today, of all days, I was awakened by a child's cry. The Sun has been reborn, the longest night has passed, and warmth shall return to the world. I wanted to keep vigil last night until sunrise but I wasn't going to unless it happened to coincide with my taking care of a pair of sick boys. Instead, I woke at random times during the night. After my initial irritation with the rude awakening, I meditated upon the births of my children.

Both were difficult for their own reasons. The birth of my first child was difficult because he was in the wrong position, labor failed to progress, and I had pre-eclampsia. The birth of my second child was difficult because it was emotionally very difficult for me. Labor was very upsetting for me. Even though I was with out the relief of anesthesia for only a few hours prior to the cesarean section delivery and the pain wasn't as sharp as my appendicitis, it was very difficult to bear because of my anxiety and it felt far worse due to it.

As I thought about this and about the other metaphorical labor that I have been engaged in (the rebirth of myself), I found myself wondering why the myths surrounding any Goddess giving birth tend to gloss over the struggle. The myths and legends describing the exploits of Gods frequently describe in explicit detail the struggles endured by the Divine of the male presentation. Why do they so rarely detail so fully the struggles of the Divine in the female presentation?

Is it perhaps because women are taught to remain silent of their struggles where men are taught to speak of them? Is it because there is some patriarchal scheme to repress women and to do so by hiding the strength of Goddesses in the mythos of our ancestors? Is it because the matriarchal schemes deemed these points too sacred to discuss out loud? Is it because these challenges are far too personal and intimate to be conveyed in words?

I don't think any of the above really can serve as an answer to my question. I do think, however, that it is possible to change the lessons taught and bring the message of the strength in women out to the world as powerfully as the message of the strength in men is presented. I think that it is possible to honor the strength of Goddesses just as completely as the strength of Gods is honored. I also think that the fragility of Gods, as well as, the traditionally feminine traits of submissiveness, receptiveness, and nurturing can be presented in a fashion that does not diminish the masculinity of them.

Strength does not make a woman into a man any more then her wearing pants does. Gender roles are something that we accept and choose according to how we wish to identify ourselves and present ourselves to the world. The flesh we are clothed in can give us a powerful push to be masculine or feminine. It does not, however, determine if we are this or that because even in humanity there is a place for gender neutral. People are born female in apperance but are genetically male, as are people born with both sex characteristics (organs even). Physiology does not determine masculinity or femininity, it only suggests it just as society does.

I'm not sure how this rambling diatribe relates to what I was planning to post earlier. I do find myself thinking of Loki's time as a mare. I question how uncomfortable that experience could have been. To have gone from being male and a humanoid to female and a horse is enough of a shock. To have additonally been pregnant and have birthed offspring... I suspect that even the Wolf's Father had a bit of a challenge wrapping his mind about that.

Oiy vey! A YEAR?

Good Gods! I'll be posting more regularly in here soon. I just have to get a few more things squared away in my life at the moment. Yule is going to be rather busy this year. Take a look at my other blog to see what's been going on. :)

Submission to deity

Moon Phase: Waning Snow Moon
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cold, recovering from a pair of snow storms; strong winds, with sub-zero wind chill
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This was a bit of a discussion question on a pagan forum that I've decided to poke my head in at from time to time again. I've thought about it and I decided that I should cross post my reply to here, because I believe it is relevant and interesting to anyone who may be reading this blog.

~~~~~~~
Hmm... Submission. It's such an interesting word. It can be used in so many different ways and contexts, even with respect to deities. I suppose I should address this in as complete of a way as I can, because I may manage to bungle what I'm trying to express if I leave something out. Please bear with me as I put my thoughts to paper (electrons??), because this is being written as the thoughts occur to me.

Submission is something that can not happen with out one choosing that position, in my opinion. When one is forced into a position that could be described as submissive, one is subjugated, which is an act of violence and one is then held in thralldom. Submission, on the other hand, one chooses it and can choose to leave the position as well. The distinction is made in the mind. Sure, a submissive may be in some form of bondage, but their bonds rest far lighter then those of a thrall because the submissive accepts their bonds. A thrall will resist them and when tired out from the active resistance will resent them, which is a passive resistance.

Now, putting this into the context of dealing with gods, it is my opinion that when ever one chooses to act as a vessel to convey a portion of the godhead into the world, one is submitting to the god in question. Each time a Wiccan High Priestess Draws Down the Moon or a Wiccan High Priest Draws Down the Sun, they are submitting to the associated gods. The same can be held true for any oracle who consents to serve as a mouthpiece for a deity.

I think that the popular opinion that when one subsumes their will in the face of divine will is an accurate description for submission to the divine, as well. I don't believe, however, that this is the entirety of it. When one is dealing with a person who is clearly under the influence of a deity to the extent that their personality is subsumed (I call that state god-ridden.) then choosing to place yourself into a position of subservience to the person who is god-ridden is also submission to a deity.

I believe that this last form of submission to a god is the most challenging because of the fact that it requires for the person who is engaged in submitting to the god-ridden person to have a high amount of knowledge about the person who is god-ridden and a high amount of knowledge of the deity in question. Also, it requires an enormous amount of trust.

While I am willing to engage in the first two forms as I feel appropriate, I have to say that I've only encountered a handful of occurrences that I am willing to engage in the third form of submission. I don't generally trust people enough not to fake being god-ridden for the sake of a quick power-trip. I've also encountered quite a few people who will do just that.

Now, all of this is coming from the perspective of someone who is a BDSM aficionado, preferring the Sub role most of the time.

Thoughts on Samhain

Moon: Waxing Snow Moon
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Mild, changeable and cloudy, seasonably cool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Samhain has come and gone. We just completed several days of unseasonably warm weather with temperatures ranging up into the lower 70s. My birthday was yesterday and I am now 30. Somehow, over the course of the last several days, I have also found myself facing some exceptionally difficult and painful things. It has not been easy.

I question if the matters of the heart which I have been struggling with are a rite of passage in their own respect. I've had dreams of the Horned One comforting me. I've also had a dream of myself. In it, I was an old woman with a small child on my knee. The little girl looked up at me and said, "Gran-ma-ma, what did you do when your Momma didn't love you?" In the dream, I answered, "I loved her anyways. And she loved be but she wasn't good at it."

It is something that brings my mind back to love and the Lady. I may be odd, but I've come to understand that the Lady's precepts and law is very simple and it is "Love." I think I finally understand that love does not mean blindness or submitting to abuse. As heartbreaking as it is to be hurt by another in their blindness, it is far worse to submit to such treatment needlessly.

In my mind, calling abuse love is among the worst forms of blasphemy that can be expressed. Now, I'm not generally one to throw about the word blasphemy or anything else like that given the religion I practice is not one that cleaves closely to the words of some elder, strict dogma, or any other element of organized religion, where that term is used fairly regularly. I suppose when you look at this it may not be technically blasphemy, but it's quite close. Perhaps anathema is correct instead.

Quibbling over terms aside, the Lady does not want us to be fools. Yes, we're called to love unconditionally, as that is what pure love is. Unconditional love, however, does not make us a slave to the one we love. Unconditional love does not excuse abuse or condone it.

Waxing Mourning Moon & Memories

Moon: Waxing Mourning Moon
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Unseasonably mild, high thin clouds
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know why I did it but I looked at her blog. A part of my heart broke as I looked and read. It was as though I could hear her voice again as it sounded in life, not that strange whisper of clairaudience that I hear now when she visits me. I looked at it and I wanted to cry.

I miss her so much. So many words left unsaid. So many things that I wanted to share with her but it just doesn't work well now that she is no longer here walking the green earth with me. Oh, I suppose I could tell her everything I wanted to say but I can't ever feel her arms around me, see her smile, or listen to her laugh with that husky, rich laugh that she has after she's drunk a bit too much coffee and snuck a cigarette or two.

They say that we have soul mates and kindred spirits. I believe she was one of mine. I believe that she was a long lost soul sister of mine whom I wish I had met long before she came into life a few years ago. I cherish the memory of her laugh and everything about her. I'm struggling to live with the courage that she thought I had. It's so hard when you realize that everything about a friend is gone except for the echo of their life.

That spark, that essence of them is not here anymore. It's across the veil. And as close as they can come to us, they can never fully reach us except with heroic effort and some cost to them. So, I sit here and I mourn. I struggle with tears that refuse to be shed and this lost, confused sense of hope. I know we will meet again in the green fields of the Otherworld. We'll laugh and talk of my son and our husbands. But right now, I just want to weep because I can't hear her voice.

And the pain of her bodily absence from my life deadens my ear and senses to her presence on the otherside. Though I'm sure she knows I am there and grieves for me even as I grieve for her, as she always seemed to know my pain even though we didn't know each other for very long on this earth.

A few thoughts and a dream of the Horned One

Moon phase: Waning Blood Moon, approx. 2 days before New Snow Moon
Moon sign: Virgo
Weather: Seasonably cool, cloudy, and fair amount of rain

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It's been a difficult, difficult several days.

Full moon came and went. I've been torn between illness and feeling so damn depressed that I can't clearly remember what I did that night. I know that I did something, but I can't recall what. This is what comes of my forgetting to update any blog, journal, or anything else in a timely manner, I suppose.

Samhain is coming fast. With it comes a great deal of very hard emotional work. It's ironic that the waning moon is in Virgo. I've been struggling so very much with matters of home, heritage, and family, as well as my femininity. With this waning moon, I can tell that things are being cleared away. Blockages are being removed and unhealthy bonds are getting severed. I've taken steps to remove myself from unhealthy situations and I have been progressing forward. Quite possibly at a rapid rate.

But if I'm making such successful headway, why do I hurt so very much?

I don't know what Samhain will bring. I do know, however, that all of this is going to come to a head and will reach the point of resolution. I'm welcoming that, because I'm tired of this pain that's always been lurking beneath my skin and deep within my soul.

I need to face the Dark Mother and the Horned One. I need to do it to free myself from the past, but I'm afraid to do so. Fear, however, has not stopped me from doing what I needed to in the past.

I've had this dream several times over the last few days. I was an infant or a small child, cradled in the arms of the Horned One. As he held me, I felt safe and unafraid. The scents of the deep forest were all around us and I only saw darkness, except for him. He was illuminated as a person would be under the full moon that's covered by shadow at one time or illuminated as a person would be only by star light with a new moon. In the dream, he simply held me and rocked me.

I think that his comfort is what I needed to get thru the last several days as the realizations had been getting ready to break thru. I know that there is something more waiting, but I'm not sure what. It'll be revealed soon, I think. I just wish I could hold that calm feeling of safety and being unafraid, being at peace, within my heart as I moved forward thru all of this. So much fear, pain, and confusion have been bubbling up when I haven't been stuck with the misery and fustration of being ill recently.

Waxing moon, waxing challenges.

Moon phase: Gibbous waxing, one day before full
Moon sign: Pisces
Weather: Unseasonably warm, fair skies and mildly humid.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the moon has transitioned closer to full, I've found the challenges in my life has increased and more illumination has been shed on my weaknesses. As the month where Samhain falls is generally the month were much of the work one engages in over the year comes to completion, I recognize that this month is going to be quite challenging. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but I understand and accept it. It's easier when you accept the reality of the challenges before you then it is to try to run from them.

This said, I'm unsure what exactly I should do when it comes to engaging in magical work for this month. It's been a hard debate as to if I should actively engage in magic for my Aunt's bit of a problem. She has a love struck individual who is quite infatuated with her and her feelings for him are only friendship. It's made things somewhat uncomfortable and she's asked me to cast something to help him find someone who he will have his affections returned in the same fashion and be happy with.

Since the disasters that I've witnessed with respect to love magic, I generally try to avoid any of it. Most people are asking for one thing and wanting something entirely different. Only rarely does it work in the way that's what is desired and in those cases it is because desire and will are aligned to make it happen. I find it difficult to agree to do a spell for some one else on the matter of love because of the challenges that get additionally entangled if a third party is doing something on this front.

With every spell that one does, they will entangle themselves into it as well. I've observed over the years that, for example, if you bind someone against certain behaviors, you in turn bind yourself against them. It is a sympathetic restriction that serves to help reinforce the focus. Most people don't realize this reciprocal element of magic. It makes the question of what to cast and how to cast it become more important to any given Witch.

It also makes the question of what you're ethics say about your spell work a much larger one. I'm currently wrestling with that one right now. As I've been thinking about it, I'm tending towards casting one specific thing. Something to bring them each a healthy, loving relationship, that will support them in completing the things that they must engage in on their respective Life Paths. It would be something that can resolve the discomfort of both individuals and promotes their well-being. It also is something that I'm willing to do because it serves to reinforce what I've been working on here for myself.

Then there is the other matter that I'm struggling with. I'll write about that in a little bit, as I've a few household things to attend to. I suspect, however, there is going to be quite a few comments and thoughts murmured about in response to this next post.

Just some rambling.

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.

Raising a witch?

Moon Phase: New Blood Moon
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Seasonal, overcast with a threat of rain and humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I sat with my son this morning and read to him, I was rather delighted to see that he is showing a lively interest in books. It particularly struck me, however, that he loved to listen to me chanting some of the Wiccan chants that I know and use occasionally. We just sat and rocked as I chanted a few different ones. He especially enjoyed We All Come From the Goddess and The Earth is Our Mother. It is my hope that when he gets a little older, he will perhaps have an interest in witchcraft.

I can't say that I'm 'raising' him to be a witch. I detest the concept of forcing religion upon a child. While I agree that children do need to have structure to build from and grow with intellectually and spiritually, I can't condone forcing religion upon them. As such, I've been taking a careful look at how I want to approach this topic. My dear husband has told me that he trusts my judgment and is going to follow my lead on this matter. While witchcraft may shape elements of how we raise him, I believe I'm going to keep as many of the options for him to explore open as I can.

When he gets older, I won't be disappointed or upset if he chooses to practice a different religion then myself or his father. I may be upset if he decides that his politics or his religious beliefs are going to come between him and us, but I can't say that I'll have any control over that. What I want is for him to find the path in his life that helps him to grow to be the best person he possibly can be and to find something in his life that gives him stability within himself. Some people find that within witchcraft and others find it in atheisim. While he's little, however, witchcraft can act as a proving ground and a place for him to learn.

So, he may be raised with witchcraft around him and he may choose to continue it as he gets older, but I don't think I can 'make' him be a witch anymore then my neighbors can 'make' me be Christian.

Blessed Mabon, everyone!

Moon Phase: Last Quarter Wine Moon
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, above normal temperatures, mildly humid
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It is Mabon and it feels like the year has flown by and yet it has also dragged out. So many, many things have manifested this year that I set into motion earlier that I've been a bit overwhelmed. I think it is safe to say that this year has been a highly successful one for my magic focused efforts. Some of the manifestations I'm not pleased with, but it is because I recognize that my focus was improperly directed. The spells worked but since I didn't target them right, I didn't get the result that was as I needed, but rather what I desired at the time.

Let that be a warning to any neophyte witches reading this; you really do need to be careful what you ask for because you will get it.

The rather large and difficult magic focused upon becoming more genuine to who I am and stripping away the hinderances to my doing the work I am supposed to in this life has been... well, difficult. A great many of the comfortable lies that I've told myself over the years have successively shattered. And many of the qualities that I've been uncomfortable with about myself... well, I'm finding myself forced to examine them and make peace with them. It is not easy to take on such a challenge, but I recognize that it is something that I need to do for the sake of myself, my marriage, and my child.

I think that the most challenging part of having that particular bit of magic manifest is dealing with the very large fear of rejection and of being assaulted for what I am doing. It was a long and difficult road to get to where I could openly wear my pentacle in public with out the urge to hide it beneath my shirt at the first scowl that I saw. With continued effort, I know that I will be able to face down my other fears even as I build an environment that is safe and protect my child from harassment akin to what I faced in my childhood and teenage years.

The funny thing is the same harassment that I faced from people outside of the Craft I have also faced within the Craft for the way that I approach witchcraft and the entire direction that I've been moving in. It has made the entire thought of writing about the tradition I'm practicing rather terrifying for me. The safe and comfortable anonyminity of a blog or random posts on message forums makes the confrontations strictly verbal and at a relatively safe distance.

I have found, however, that the initial pull I felt at 18 has grown stronger and I need to write. I suppose this is part of the process of engaging in the work I am supposed to, I am not sure. But I know for certain that I can't push it aside anymore. I just hope that this will not result in too much difficulty for my family. After all, witches are not exactly popular in my neck of the woods despite all of the proclaimed religious tolerance of the community. I've been accused several times of being a devil worshipper on the basis of my jewelery (which is quite tasteful and discreet). Fortunately, the vast majority of the hostility has been diffused thru a quick and educational conversation.

It did make me chuckle, however, when one person walked away saying, "Wow, now I can tell people that I really do know a witch! And she's pretty cool!" Some of my neighbors are pretty funny! :)

But, just as I have been taking stock of how my herb bed has done and reviewing how things have progressed with my flowers, I am seriously looking at how harvest is coming in in things like my magical efforts and such. So far, I think the harvest is shaping up well, despite the bit of a problem I had with depression over a large chunk of this summer.

Dreams and reality.

Moon Phase: Gibbous Waxing Wine Moon (6 days from Full)
Moon Sign: Void of Course between Capricorn & Aquarius
Weather: Clear, slightly cool, some high clouds and a few 'cotton-ball' clouds, light breeze

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I had a dream that I was at Lilydale. As I was there, one of my paternal aunts, the one who is a witch, walked up to me. She placed a hand on either of my shoulders and looked me intently in the face. In the dream, she was a few years younger then myself. As we were there, her wife was dying. My aunt said to me: "You're now the High Priestess. But you can't do it yet until you've been given the sacraments."

She said, "This is for your initiation." Then a garland of pumpkin orange hibiscus flowers (with midnight blue stamens) nearly as long as I was tall were wrapped about my waist, some how becoming only long enough to do so. We moved, somehow, to a park setting that I had seen in quite a few of my other dreams before. A garland of vivid, almost technicolor red hibiscus flowers (with pure white stamens) and red poppies was set on my head. As she did so, she said, "This is for your handfasting. Even though he's not here, it doesn't matter. It's after the fact anyways."

As she took a sky blue ribbon and cut it, we moved to the field behind the steel barn on my Grandfather's farm. Standing there among the Queen Anne's Lace, chickweed, and burdock, she put the four to six inch length of ribbon in my hand. Then, we were on the front porch of their house as it was before they remodled (over 15 years ago). She said to me, "You know the rituals and rites. You probably won't need this." She then handed me an inch thick booklet of papers that were printed off from her computer.

My dead Aunt, her wife, was in the midst of saying something to me as a couple approached me to be handfasted. Her face and form seemed to blur, like looking at something at the bottom of a clear pool of water and a series of waves rippled across it. Only one thing came clearly to me as I woke from this dream: "You're the High Priestess."

To say the least, I was perplexed by this dream. When I have dreams like this and wake with part of the dream still before my eyes, I know that something is wrong with some one I know. Somehow, I knew that something was wrong with my friend Rose. I had assumed that it was a simple matter of illness and I'd hear later. Then, a few hours ago, I get a phone call telling me that she died in her sleep last night.

It didn't surprise me. I find myself feeling confused and yet understanding the vision I had almost two years ago of her surrounded by children in a few years from now. It is when she'll be reincarnated. I don't know why I was shown that, but everytime I think of the vision, I can see it. She is sitting crosslegged on a white blanket in a brilliantly lit room. All around here are various small children and she is happy. And she is dressed in white with a blue stripe running along the hem of the shirt.

Am I in shock right now? Or did I expect for this to happen? I don't know. I only know that the coven she ran with our mutual friend David is even more stricken. First, in May, with the fire, came a terrible emotional blow. Then with the diagosis of her illness back almost two months ago, I can't be sure if it was one or two months ago now she was diagnosed, came another. Now, the third thing has come, her death. I feel horrible for her widowed husband. The man woke in the morning to find the love of his life lying dead beside him. I'm fairly sure that he tried to breathe life back into her cold lips and it is my sincere prayer that he does not curse himself for not waking earlier.

He is living one of my nightmares. Gods, please be kind and give him all of the aid he needs in this hour. He has lost everything.

Thoughts for Harvest tide

Moon Phase: First Quarter Wine Moon
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Clear, cool and humid.
~~~~~~~~~~

Lughnassadh has come and gone. My son's first birthday has come and gone, as has my husband and mine fourth wedding anniversary. In our home, I find myself looking about and questioning what manner of harvest I'm taking in this year. I can't help some of the feelings of bitterness coming to me as I review this.

The home we're living in was the one that I found to be a wonderful prospect for us to move into. It's since failed to live up to that hope and I'm finding myself rather disenchanted with it. Here it is, September, and we're not unpacked and there's many points about this place that I simply can not stand or am troubled by the potential safety concerns to my son. Even as I have made headway in dealing with the management of this apartment complex on getting these things resolved, I'm still struggling with the feeling of regret. I hate to admit it, but it seems to be leading into depression again.

I'm thankful for my son's health and well being. He's grown so very, very much over the last year. The burgeoning toddlerhood is making itself known in fits of temperamental behavior and assertiveness. I try to cherish it, but it is difficult. Even in the face of that challenge, however, I have to say that I am delighted that my son is becoming more independent and self-sufficent. It is not that I desire for him to be a full grown man in this time so I don't need to concern myself with his needs. It is a wonderful thing to watch him grow and develop. I feel profoundly blessed and humbled to witness this ordinary miracle.

The magic that I cast back at Imboleg and the efforts I have been engaging in to support that change within myself are making themselves evident. Some of this process has not been easy and even somewhat painful. However, letting go the disingenous habits I have acquired and the similar traits that I've attempted to force upon myself are in my best interests. As such, I shall, as the expression goes, thole and deal with it as best I can.

Oddly enough, I am finding that among the things being revealed to me about myself is how closely what I was raised with and how I look at the world resemble Asatru. Specifically, the Virtues upheld. I was particularly struck by the Virtues of Courage, Truth, and Hospitality. It was, however, when I came to the realization that an expression which has shaped my world-view could have been uttered by one whom is Asatru that I was taken aback.

That expression is:

It is better to give too little then to give too much.

That little expression among many others that I've encountered and found myself holding onto generally fit well into this picture of life as painted by that religion. I have also found things that I desperately needed to have been taught as a girl because they are crucial elements of that worldview which was instilled in me by my parents but in a flawed fashion. Particularly was the matter taught thru the rune Gyfu and the virtue of perserverance.

Gyfu, the rune of Joy is detailed by Ragnar Storyteller in this fashion:

Rune WUNJO ----- Joyfulness over Guilt.

We take pleasure in being human.

There is no shame or guilt about our sexuality, our strength or our greatness.

Upon the matter of the virtue of preserverance:

We hold to our path until its completion and are not ashamed to be strong.

In the two of these, I find a third thing which is surprisingly comforting. This third idea is that what gains we have made in our lives, be it wealth or anything else which others may envy, we shouldn't be ashamed of.

The hands of the Gods.

Moon: Waxing Moon (one day away from Full), Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, humid and partially cloudy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I've spoken to several of the witches I know, it's been coming to light that a great deal of strange things have been happening of late. The strange dreams I've been having, like the one I recounted earlier, coupled with the unexpected and odd difficulties that have been happening are all combining to make me believe that the hands of the gods are at work here.

Now, some may say that divine intervention or a miracle is a wonderful thing. I would argue that the value of such an experience is subjective and it can only be defined as an event of an origin that appears to be from the gods. Divine intervention happens every day in my opinion and it can be either for or against our interests. It can also not even touch us at all.

Sometimes, I suspect, those of us who are sensitive to changes on the spiritual level of things can get a whiff of those changes on the way. We can, I believe, also tell when the gods are at work on something. I believe that they are working on something now, something big and that I'm going to be one of many people who are caught up in serving as vehicles of the will of the gods.

I've been in that position. It's never entirely comfortable. It's actually fairly unnerving when the words come a little too easily and the actions flow more smoothly then you think it possible. Sure, it can be a wonderfully liberating experience, but it also feels as unnerving and uncomfortable as hydroplaning or getting caught on black ice at 55 miles per hour.

Still, I agreed to serve as a mouthpeice of the gods as I threw myself into the trade of learning divination. Such as it is, I hope that nothing too horribly life altering in a negative fashion happens. I always worry that it will, even though at the far side of the experience it always shows to be a good thing. Perhaps I should trust this entire arrangement more. It's rather difficult to do, however, when the gods of chaos are about and think that you're a 'good kid and could use a little help.'

After all, the gods do not think as men do. What they think is helping and what we think of as helping can be two dramatically different things. Maybe we'll get lucky and have a meeting of the minds this time.

Dreams of Ragnarok?

My husband and I both has bizarre dreams last night. When I woke, all I could think was that I had a dream about Ragnarok and I said so. My husband said in an uncertian voice "I think I did too." I'm putting this up here and out on the internet to see if anyone else had simmilar dreams last night.

I dreamt of flooding and a great deal of strife. It wasn't flooding like what is going on in the Midwest right now. It was not the flooding where water explodes up out of the sewer and water mains under the street in great towering geysers, like in some movies. Nope, this flooding was buildings filling up with water and then the doors bursting open to gorge the flood waters into the streets with the dead, dying and struggling people in them.

In this dream, I had, I was repeatedly separated from my husband, at times with my infant son with me and at other times my son was with my husband. Each time, I told the person separating us that I would go but I would continue to love my husband. This theme persisted thru the dream, even as strange combats were faced and even stranger conflicts that managed to some how affect the world at large though they were immediate and local.

At the end of the dream, the flooding had stopped and I was walking along a broken tree on the ground. It was an enormous tree that had been felled due to the storm damage, for along with the main portion of the tree I could see that there was tree rot thru the tree. Now, as I walked along the tree, I saw flashes of the events that had occurred earlier in the dream and other events that seemingly were within the same time frame. Snow had been falling and over the mud there was a lacy layer I had been walking on prior to walking on the tree.

Suddenly, things changed and I was standing in the upper branches of another tree. It was Christmas/Yule and there, in the tree with me, were eight generations of reindeer, eight to a generation (each generation back a greater multiple of eight, actually). They were arranged in a Penrose triange with one at the head, three, then five for the first grouping, followed by the next multiple and so forth. The final part of each grouping turned as a line to look at me and say,

"We don't move until it's time. We don't move until she's ready. You don't move until it's time."

They then began to move forward off of the branches before me until the sleigh went past. Along the outside of the traces that the deer were hitched in, there were christmas tree lights for running lights, lit by their own power and the deer weren't moving of their own accord, but standing and just moving forward like on some kind of moving sidewalk. As the sleigh went past, Santa Clause looked over and it wasn't Santa Clause. At first, it was Odin dressed as Santa, which struck me as weird. Then it became Loki who said to me, "You survived. Everything's changed."

Meanwhile, down below the tree, people were celebrating and happy. I knew that my husband was at work and the baby was asleep in his crib. Even the dead had been returned to life and health, celebrating and joyous. My husband, who was at work, would be finished soon and I'd be home with him and the boy in a moment. This was all my certian knowledge, even as a part of me was insisting that the entire dream was strange and some kind of message. But, as Loki said, "Everything's changed," I woke. He was smiling rather benevolently and amusedly, as though having given me some kind of odd puzzle to figure out and a happy present at the same time.

So, when I woke and I announced that I had a dream about Raganarok and my husband said that he thought that he did to, I began to tell him this dream of mine. At which point he stopped me and told me that he also had a chaotic dream of flooding, but it was very strange flooding. He couldn't remember all the details, but at the end of the dream, he was at work pulling parts out of a computer that they needed to continue to work properly before the flood waters rose enough to do damage to them.

I wonder what this means. We don't usually have dreams the slightest bit simmilar, and it's highly irregular that the correspond as strongly as they did.

A candidate for the World Tree.

Moon: Full Flower, Scorpio
Weather: Fair skies, unseasonably cold, risk of frost
~*~*~*~*~*~

I believe that this image could be a fine prospect for a modern rendition of the World Tree, upon which hung Odin for nine days and nine nights as a sacrifice by himself to himself.

Look up "Tree of Art" and you'll find images of the carvings that cover this tree. It is, to say the least, amazing.

Dreamwalking

Moon: Gibbous Blossom Moon (2 days from full); Sign of Cancer
Weather: Cool, cloudy, and intermittent rain, under a low pressure system, with the remnants of that cool front that passed thru last night still around.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dreamwalking, you may have heard the term before. If I've spoken to you personally about some of the 'witchy' stuff that I do, it may have even come up in conversation. I figured I'd just put out there what exactly this activity is.

When I say that I've been dreamwalking, I'm referring to one of two things:

1. Astral projection while sleeping.
2. Astral projection into the dreams of another person.

I have recognized over the years that the mind has considerable power in this state because it is fruit borne entirely of the mental flexibility of the practitioner. It is possible to present yourself in any number of ways when you are dreamwalking and even to impersonate others. Your mannerisims, however, usually give you away unless you make a close study of the person whom you are going to impersonate.

In last night's dreamwalking experience, I found myself encountering a friend of mine. He was rather surprised by how I had chosen to present myself. When I dreamwalk, I don't initially begin the experience dressed in robes, jeans, or anything else. Initially, I appear nude because I do not identify myself very strongly with individual garments that I own. Some people, when the engage in astral projection will envision themselves dressed in clothing. I think that's due to some sense of discomfort when they are nude and possibly a touch of self deception to hide from bodily 'flaws' that they feel they have.

I don't engage in that because I don't even stop to consider something like that. Instead, I just focus on being present. As a result, my mental efforts are not going to grant me clothing when I intially enter into the appropriate state for astral projection. (If you're wondering, yes, there is a *lot* of visualization applied in these practices.) As I recognize that when I engage in astral projection, it is possible for others to see me on that plane/level/realm/(what term are we using today?), I will either decide to envision myself clothed in what I am wearing at the time or do something different.

Most frequently, I will simply grasp some of the shadows that are about me when I engage in this and draw them about me to form my clothing. At other times, I will grasp and draw about me mist or something else, even something such as light that I see with my mind's eye there around me. This startled my friend because I don't believe it was something he'd encountered. I suspect that not many folks stop to think about the implications that your mind can affect the area about you when you engage in astral projection. The greater force of will you apply, the more of the area you can affect.

A fine example of this can be seen in some of the final scenes of that movie which was so popular several years ago. I believe it was called The Cell. It is possible, also to affect others in their dreams. The scene where the psychologist confronts the serial killer after bringing him into her mind is a fairly good visualization of a conflict between two people over a setting and other elements that come with dreamwalking.

Can you kill another person via dreamwalking? No, I don't believe so. If it were possible, then there would be a man that would be dead several times over for the times that he's walked into my dreams and attempted to assault me. I do think, however, it is possible to come away feeling poorly from the experience. It is a question of how much weight you give to it and that you allow it on you in your waking life.

You can choose how the situation unfolds, even kick another person out of the dream that has walked in. It is all a question of how you direct your will.

And, as Herr Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. It takes a great deal of patience and self-knowledge to determine what traits are markers of dreams where you've actually been dreamwalking or interacted with some one who has walked into your dream. It does, in my opinion, however, indicate the prospect of one having the capacity for telepathy. That is a different topic for a different post, though.

Beltain Fires

Moon: Waxing Blossom Moon, Gemini
Weather: Clear skies, mild. Some cloud cover expected later as a cool front begins to enter the area this evening. Possibly unseasonably warm today, meteorologists hesitantly said it may get up to 80 degrees F.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

At Beltain, a fire was often built by the ancient Celts to ward off illness. This fire was known as a need-fire by mythologists. One of the fire-festivals, Beltain not only had need-fires lit as part of the observances of the day but fires that were also dedicated to a solar deity. Or at least, this is the popular theory for why the bonfires were lit on this day by the ancient Celts. Wicca generally celebrates this holiday as a combination of the German witches' Walspurgis Night and the Celtic Beltain, usually on the first of May.

The focus upon fertility and certian popular ritual elements, such as Dancing the Maypole, come from the Germanic origins. The lighting of fires and reconing this as the beginning of Summer is derived from the Celtic cultures. Generally, Beltain is viewed as a celebration of the earthy pleasures of life, ranging from sexuality to food. It is considered by many traditions to be the day to celebrate the union of the God and Goddess of Wicca, as well. All of this, however, is not the focus of my post here today. It, rather, serves as context for the real content of my post and I am now going to move away from this to a somewhat odd direction, but you'll see how I tie all this together.

Last Sunday, I was going to go to a ritual to celebrate Beltain with some very dear friends of mine. That ritual, however, did not happen as planned. For, you see, the night before their home caught fire and burnt down. They were lucy to escape with their lives, but they lost everything. Sadly, they were unable to rescue their beloved pets (two cats and a quite aged rat). It was odd a few days before the master of the house had said that bringing my infant son to the ritual would not be a problem because there was "not going to be any huge bonfires to worry about." I thought that was rather odd phrasing at the time, but now I look back on it and question if there was something of a premonition there.

To say the least, they are devestated and feeling a mixture of things ranging from relief that they are alive to guilt and self recrimination. My friends, even as they are struggling to plan how they will move forward, are struggling to understand why this tragic accident befell them. Right now, they see only loss. I really can't say a word to begin to even approach that issue, though I see something odd about this entire situation.

Sometimes, we have events happen in our lives that are major points of change in our lives that are seemingly destined to happen. We may have flashes of intuition of them before they occur and we may heed those warnings, or we may put them aside as just strange accidents. Over the last several years, perhaps longer I am not sure, there has been some kind of odd incident involving fire surrounding Beltain for these people and the coven that they are a part of. One year, the oven functionally blows up that day (which is very strange considering that was an electric oven) and then another year, all of the candles burn unusually fast and hot. Yet another year, people were some how burned by the candles for the ritual and prior to the ritual there was something of a rash of minor burns to people who were cooking food to have at the post ritual dinner. As I look back over the last several years that I've known this coven, I see that each Beltain, something went strange with fire.

I think that perhaps they could have been warnings of this year's fire, or indications of something different. I'm not sure. I am inclined to say, however, that they were precursors to this year's fire and a bit of preparation for the message that was supposed to come out of it. As the person who was not part of the situation, I recognize that my statements here sound terribly callous. It, however, is not my intent to offend. I apologize if I have or manage to do so as I proceed.

Now, I look at all of this and I have to say that the fire this year which burned down the home of my dear friends is a continuation of the pattern established from prior years. (I think I can include the top popping off of an oxygen bottle as people were smoking at the dinner after last year's ritual as part of the list of Beltain fire incidents, by the way.) I don't know for certain if they are part of a series of warnings, but I think they placed the ground work for a very large, life changing event, as happened here. I also think that this life changing event is one that was going to happen no matter what actions occured the day before the fire or years before it. I suspect that this is the hand of the gods at work here or destiny, which ever you prefer.

It may sound strange to say that. It most definately is not what one expects to come from the gods whom are supposed to be benevolently inclined towards their worshippers. Heck, it's a very bizzare event to occur just about a week after I had given the mistress of the house a birthday gift that included a home blessing for prosperity and protection as part of a belated birthday gift. As I look back on this situation, I think my intuition prompted me to make that home blessing and protection charm as this fire was coming because I felt that it was needed. Heck, the fire orginated in the kitchen and my intuition told me to make something that would go in the kitchen.

I see in this situation, however, that they are going to rise up like a pheonix. Pheonixes are rather special to me. I identify quite strongly with them. They are a powerful symbol of rebirth and continuance. They also signify great triumph over adversity. I see this here singifying their strength and a renewal. In this fire, I feel something very large at work in their lives to force them to recognize just how powerful they are. I don't know what else is at play here, but this fire is no ordinary fire. It is a continuation of the fire magic that was done on Imbolc, and I suspect that there will be additional echoes of that fire magic of change and renewal is going to manifest until Samhain.

My intuition tells me that they're being given something far larger then everything they lost, though they can't see it yet or feel it's presence yet in their lives. Once the shock has worn away and they have completed the grieving process, I think they will see it. Their old life was cleared away for a purpose. Such a dramatic severing ensures that they can not return to the past, despite how ever tempting it may be. It would have come even if the fire hadn't happened. It may have come via a car accident or something else of a crisis. And my intuition tells me that it would have come at Beltain anyways. This is the largest of the fire festivals and it is the time where the vast majority of fire magic is performed. This also, I know, is when the Gentry begins to set to work on things as well.

And I know that my friends are going to feel that presence quite strongly as well, for the Good Folk are highly inclined towards them. Help is going to come to them from strange places, but I know it will be appreciated, even as it brings confusion. I just wish I knew what I could do to help them. This is not the end but rather the end of a beginning, despite all of that loss and destruction that surrounds them.

Tarot Meditation: Justice Reversed

First off, I'd like to say that I really enjoy the option of just clicking on a free website for a quickie reading. I enjoy Facade because they've got alot more decks then I have and I can still interpret the cards myself if I wish.

I've been experiencing a little difficulty of late. So, I decided that I'd go the route of using Facade to get a quick one card reading. It's in some ways the same as a professional hair dresser using a box of hair dye from the drug store to dye their hair. It's not going to have the same polished elegance and such as going to a professional for the service. You may have to do the work yourself, or at least a fair amount of it. And there's a chance that it may not come out quite as well as it would if a professional had done it, but it's also quick, easy, and relatively inexpensive.

And, well, some days, I'm just lazy when it comes to myself. Anyways, I decided to go for a single card reading and get a little clarification of just what my challenge is right now. And what do I find but Justice reversed. It wasn't exactly a happy find, but I wasn't horribly surprised.

Justice is a card that, amusingly enough, is one of two that I have had associated with me via numerology. The other card is Temperance, but that is a different topic. But, as I was saying, so I have Justice reversed for my one card summary of it all. It's not a huge surprise because my life has been terribly out of balance, off kilter, how ever you choose to express it. Any way you slice it, I've been having difficulty keeping just about everything straight in my mind. I recognize that my emotions have been clouding my mind far too much to allow me to remain at a reserved and analytical distance from it all.

It's funny in a little way that this card popped up to describe the situation. It also kinda indicates what I need to do to get everything under control. Take the emotion out of it and just look at things from a factual perspective. I've never been that good at that with my own life, but it is a skill that I need to exercise on a somewhat regular occasion. It looks like I've hit another point where I need to do so. Here's hoping that the card is indicating that it will not be too difficult for me to do so, right?

Strange dreams.

Moon: 3rd Quarter, Waning Gibbous Worm Moon; sign- Aquarius
Weather: Cloudy, moderate chance of precipitation, unseasonably cool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been having strange dreams again. The one I had last night has left me feeling a bit disturbed. I honestly don't know what to say about it. I'm posting it up here because perhaps the people out here upon the internet have some kind of idea as to what this could possibly be. Because I'm stumped.

I dreamt that I had a small infection in my hand. As I probed it, I found what appeared to be a sliver that looked like a very thin bit of driftwood or ivory, or perhaps a fish bone. It was situated within a fold of skin. As I opened the fold of skin, more of this sliver became visible and I decided to expose as much of the sliver as I could to make it easy to pull it out. Soon, I exposed a small ring of similar slivers. I then found that at the base of these slivers were tiny fingers.

I next then found myself looking at my feet and my doctor was explaining that this was because i had absorbed my twin in utero. My joints in my toes were odd because I actually had extra bones in them from my twin's feet.

The thing that was strangest and most disturbing was that the tiny fingers had a sinister feeling to them, if that's possible. With these long, pin thin nails that stood up like porqupine quills from my hand once they were revealed in the joint between the thumb and forefinger.

I don't know what to make of it, but it's been at the back of my mind all day.

Thoughts.

Moon: Full Worm, Scorpio
Weather: Unseasonably warm, intermittant rain
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes, messages come to us from unexpected places. Sometimes, the messages are ones that have been getting thrown to us many, many times now but we attempted to deny them.

I know that I have a purpose and that I have agreed to do something important with my life.

I know that I am afraid... no, terrified of doing this.

I also know that my fears are inconsequential because no one can judge me for what I do.

After all, who judges us on how we live our lives and do so with out proving themselves a hypocrite?

It doesn't stop me, however, from feeling this fear.

Here, I try to remember that little litany against fear and the message buried in it. The message that we are ultimately in control over our selves and what we do with our lives, even as to how we feel about a situation.

Book of Prophecy, II

A sound body and mind lends itself to a sound spirit. A sound body is healthy, clean, and strong. A sound mind is free from the doubts that encourage self harm, hungers knowledge, and filled with creative fire. From these elements is a sound spirit forged.

Greet the day with joy and gratitude. Greet the night with reflection and tranquility. By this way do you begin to have peace. Live your life with a sense of wonder and a keen knowledge of the joys given to you. Even the smallest thing is a magical wonder to treasure.

Self-empowerment comes in many forms complete the smallest task in your day and take pride in the work and that you performed to the best of your ability. You shall quickly find that by doing this the largest of tasks are the easiest and you can succeed despite any odds.

Speak truth of your heart without fear. Truth shall shelter and protect you from harm. With simple words and honest ways, all things can be righted and the balance restored. At the end, great things will have been achieved without effort.

All life is my beloved children.
We take joy in the beauty of all.
Each thing about you has a spirit or you would not.
I ask my children to love each other.
I ask my children to help each other grow.
As every mother would.

Behold, all about you, I am present.
Yet, my dear, if you do not look within, you shall never see me.