Rambing thoughts on Labor & the Goddess.

Waxing Blood Moon (Age: 6 days)
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: Cool, cloudy & rainy
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As I sit here in the grips of discomfort due to premenstrual cramps, I find myself reminded of labor. Labor was terribly uncomfortable but the part that was the worst was the intense distress that I felt over possibly being viewed as a coward. With each contraction, I grew more upset until I was near tears when my time to go in for the c-section came up. As the anesthesiologist was giving me the spinal block, I couldn't help crying out with fear.

I look back on that moment and I feel such a surge of pity for myself in that time. I was so wrapped up in the terror that I would be judged and found lacking. I had been struggling with depression, as I have been recently, and the night before I had argued with my husband. It came together with the wild ride of hormonal changes to create a very different situation then when my first child was born. It makes me sad that the birth of my second child was filled with such distress where as the birth of my first was a much happier event.

I find myself wondering, has the Goddess felt such fear when her time came upon her? I look at the world at large and consider the struggles of mothers to birth their children, of any species, and that question returns to me again and again. Maiden horses (mares that are birthing their first foal) require careful monitoring and soothing to help them through the experience when not in the wild. In the wild, I am sure that there are mares and foals lost due to complications that come from the distress of the mare and subsequent physical difficulties. I suspect that the same need for care and soothing would be found through out all other species in the event of the first birth, if not subsequent birthings. (I would be inclined to consider the laying of eggs as a form of birthing, given the strain it places upon the body.)

I suppose one must conclude that somewhere in the mythology of the Goddess, there is a story of her suffering in labor. Is it egocentric of me to feel compassion, if not a touch of pity, for the Lady herself? It is much like when I was contemplating Catholicism and my mind continually returned to the Passion of Christ, filling me with pity and sorrow for the suffering of Jesus. So many Christians that I know speak of the Passion (a Latin word for suffering) as a glorious triumph and remove the very real misery and terror from the event.

If Jesus was in sufficient terror to beg God the Father to alleviate his suffering, if at all possible, then wouldn't Christians recollect this? The events in the garden of Gethsemane are clearly an example of the very human experience of fear in the face of travail, in my opinion. Wiccan theology is not so very different from Christian at times. The suffering of the Goddess in labor and the suffering of the Harvest God could be argued to be in some ways parallel to the suffering of Jesus.

In all three cases, there is suffering of the flesh, the mind, and arguably the spirit. The flesh suffering pain and in two cases death are much like the suffering we endure in life. We have times where we experience pain, at times such intense pain that we are unsure if we can bear it. This would be the suffering of the mind. The terror that comes attendant upon pain or the lack of surety that comes with it is something that all humanity can recognize. I suspect that the Goddess experiences some measure of the fear that all mothers have at the time of labor, fear that their child or possibly themselves will not survive it.

For some, I am sure that fear is a brief experience. I don't think that it is all consuming but I suspect it does rear its head for all women who are birthing their first or subsequent children. I know that it laid its cold hand upon my shoulder at the time of birthing both my children, even though the experiences were as different as night and day. The suffering of the spirit is something akin to the suffering of the mind, I think. I could, however, be entirely wrong.

I had something I wanted to say but it just vanished from my thoughts after my eldest distracted me. Such is life, I suppose.

Curiouser and curiouser...

In my effort to make an end run around my on going psychological difficulties, I started doing some reading about the Morrigan. In the course of my following links and reading on various sites (some well known and respect and others less so), I stumbled on to a connection that rather left me in shock. There is a theory, that is built upon anthropological precepts, that the Morrigan and Sigyn are quite possibly a manifestation of an earlier Goddess.

It left me rather thunderstruck. Could this be why Morrigan is a patroness of mine? And the reason for the unexpected amicable relationship between a Celtic goddess and the Lie-Smith? I have heard them both chuckling at me at times. It is a rather... bewildering thing. And yet, it makes absolute sense at the same time. A case of 'of course! why didn't I see it before now?' if you will.

I am a face of the Goddess.

Current Phase: Waning Harvest Moon
Current Sign: Taurus
Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
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I just had an awakening of sorts today. For some people this would be a case of me finally figuring something out that was obvious to them. For others this would get me a funny look.

What was my awakening? I realized that I am a face of the Mother Goddess. One of my neighbors, an older man who struggles with depression and is in the midst of a rather messy divorce (one he doesn't want at all) was just here for an hour. As I listened to him talk about his troubles, my response was not annoyance (as it has been at times in the past). Instead, I felt deep compassion for him. I didn't pity him (as I had in the past) so much as I felt this deep sense of kindness.

I had no desire to take his suffering onto myself, as I recognized that it was his own to deal with. I gave him some ideas for how to deal with it but mostly, I listened and affirmed his validity in feeling heart broken. That, along with a hug and a cup of tea completely turned his mood around. His anxiety dropped, he began to feel a little happier, and he had a greater sense of control over his life. It was a great thing of magic to watch unfold. I actively did nothing more then give him a hug and a cup of tea.

Some how, something moved between us and he went from being in near tears to smiling. Some Christians would say that it was the grace of God that made this happen. Others would say that this how one effectively ministers to the depressed people of the world. I may agree that some sense of divine grace passed through that moment. I contend, however, that it was acting as a tool for him to heal himself.

I came away from the experience humbled and in awe. There was no ritual Drawing Down the Moon or similar invocation. It just sprung unbidden from the heart and lay between us, breathing in the space there. And the Goddess wore my face for that moment to place that grace there.

Prayers & Beads

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)
Moon Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, seasonably warm with
rain expected later in the evening
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I've been attempting to compose prayers to use with my prayer beads but it has been difficult to find the right fit. I suspect, however, that others may find them helpful for their own practices. Feel free to use them with my blessing. If you wish to use them upon your website, please remember to attribute it to me.

Oh Holy One of All Names and Forms
Guide me, your sacred Child
Upon the path of Life and Wisdom.
Teach me to forgive and bless myself
As I forgive and bless others.
Give to me what I need to grow
In to a reflection of You.

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Blessed Mother of All, Font of Grace
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me true Peace.

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All Father, Stag of Sacrifice, He Who is Cut Down
Guide me to wisdom
Preserve me from evil
And teach me the meaning of true Honor

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Oh Holy Ones, enter into my heart as Love.

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Hail, Thee who is Nameless!
Blessed Bringer of Life
You are with me.
Blessed am I, your child
And blessed is all the World in You.
Protect us now from evil and guide us to wisdom.
Your Love be upon us always.

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A Litany for the Victims

Deliver all victims from Oppression
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Abuse
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from War
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Hate
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Evil
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Poverty
Heal their wounds
Deliver all victims from Excess
Heal their wounds

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I tried patterning prayers upon the ones that I have seen elsewhere. Of these only the Litany above and Hail, Thee who is Nameless resonate with me. I have spent the last hour searching through the older volumes of my Book of Shadows only to find a scant few copied pages from websites from my first few attempts to use prayer beads. It was a most dis-satisfactory experience and the pages got buried. It is amusing in some warped way that these pages that I copied are the same ones that I am finding now.

Prayer beads and such things.

Moon: Waning Corn moon (age:19 days)
Moon Sign: Aries
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm
& drought status less severe
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I have continued to do research regarding the practice of prayer beads in the pagan community. This appears to be the best source I have found so far. It is very frustrating. I see there are quite a few references to pagans using prayer beads but very little is actually said. I at first considered adapting the Catholic rosary but that is not going to work for me and feels more then a little disrespectful.

So I've decided to try applying a few pagan chants. On a whim, I attempted to translate some of the more well known ones into Latin. The results are below

We all come from the Goddess and to her we shall return -- nos adveho ex dea quod ut suus nos vadum reverto

The Earth is our mother -- orbis terrarum est nostrum matris

To say the least, the Latin translation was clumsy and generally not looking like it was going to be successful. Donald Engstrom-Reese advises we consider the intention of our prayer beads on his page. When we consider the purpose of prayer beads at large, it becomes clear that it is to serve as a vehicle for one to meditate upon the sacred Mysteries of their faith, the repetition of a set prayers, and free the mind for an ecstatic experience of the Divine.

I tried my hand at arranging a set of prayers for my use on a rosary but it just lead to much frustration. I feel drawn to this. Quite powerfully so, but I am at a loss for where to start. There is a veritable mountain of information about Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist prayer beads. There's even information about Unitarian Universalists and their prayer bead practices.

I encounter countless pages offering to sell me prayer beads but little in the way of information on how prayers are structured. I approach this like I approach writing poetry in a form that is unfamiliar to me. I want to learn as much as I can about how others write in that style and form before I make the attempt. It seems, however, that I may just be breaking new ground here.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with that. Actually, I feel very uncomfortable with that. I feel disheartened and, well, sad. I look for some sort of sign posts to guide me and I can't really find any for my faith. Ah well, if the Gods are pushing me forward on this path, then I suppose I'm going to wind up there one way or the other. It's easier to go with them then to resist. Resisting only makes things more uncomfortable.

The Lady's Law: Perfect Love & Perfect Trust

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
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"Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust."
~ Lady Gwen Thomson, Rede of the Wiccae

Perfect love and perfect trust is an expression thrown around a lot by Wiccans and other members of the pagan community. Perfect love is unconditional love. It is akin to the type of love referred to by many Christians as agape. Perfect love is extended not only to our fellow humans but to the world in it's entirety. We love the world because it is in some ways kin to us, in other ways the embodiment of our Gods, and because it is simply there to be loved. We love our fellow humanity because they are there; they are our brethren; and because they embody aspects of our Gods.

Perfect love can be a terrifying thing. It requires such vulnerability. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. At the same time, however, we are not Pollyanna about this. Perfect trust requires us to see the world as it is. We trust the liars to be liars. We trust that people are fallible. Perfect trust strips us of our assumptions about the world. It is the harshness of brilliant morning even as it is the glory of sunrise. We see each thing as it is when we operate from the basis of perfect trust.

Perfect trust, for all of it's harshness, is also the shield that protects us when we operate from the basis of perfect love. We do not blind ourselves to the flaws of ourselves or others. Thus, we do not set ourselves up for heartache. We accept reality as it is, rather then casting the pall of our desires over it.

We all struggle with perfect love and perfect trust. We are human and we are going to stumble along the path at times. This is where perfect love and perfect trust in ourselves is important. Perfect love for ourselves is the healthy, unconditional love of who we are despite our limitations and flaws. Perfect trust is the faith we have in ourselves to do the right thing at the right time. We all suffer times of self doubt, but as long as we continue to strive for meeting this challenging rule set out for us then we can say that we have made a good faith effort.

In the end, that is all anyone can ask of us.

A Goddess Rosary?

Full Corn Moon (age: 15 days)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Seasonably mild, pop up thunderstorms,
slightly humid
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I've been feeling drawn to reciting a rosary of sorts. For the last several weeks, this urge has grown stronger. I am convinced that this is not a simple matter of whimsy by the persistence and depth of this urge. While I am familiar with the Catholic rosary, it does not correctly address this need of mine. The Deanists have a rosary that is in many ways similar to the Catholic one but it also doesn't fit quite what my need is. And as I have been studying and researching this intently, I have come to the conclusion that this is a spiritual need.

Oddly enough, I have also been finding myself drawn to contemplating if the concept of sin fits into my world view. The catechism of the Catholics and the Deanists both speak of sin. It is challenging for me to consider this because I must first overcome the Christian concept of sin which is so very pervasive in our society. It is a debilitating concept and one that I reject down to the marrow of my bones. It was a part of Catholicism that just didn't sit right with me when I was seriously considering converting, even.

As I was running errands earlier this evening, a thought struck me. If the definition of sin (the noun) is to transgress against Divine law, my self hatred/loathing would clearly be that. It is a violation of the Lady's law of Perfect Love*. The simplicity of this was in many ways earth shaking. There was no 'fall from Grace' or conscious rejection of this divine law from a willful mind, choosing to embrace some malefic path. It was just that I was in error by way of unhealthy habits, habits which I am striving to correct.

I was then at a proverbial crossroads. Do I engage in some borrowed ritual of penance? Do I devise my own ritual of penance? Or perhaps beg forgiveness from the Lady? Do I strive to correct my error and beseech the Lady's blessing and aid in my endeavors? I was a tad confused. Much of my theological training and education did not directly address this matter and I felt as though I was treading unbroken ground. It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least.

I had never felt the need, even in my times of dire desperation and crisis, to throw myself at the feet of the Gods and beg for anything in as abject and piteous a fashion that I could muster. The rituals of penance that I could devise or otherwise subject myself to would have been empty. As such, logically I can not do such a ritual because it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me. Begging forgiveness from the Lady struck me as an empty act as well. I know full well what the response would be, "Forgive thyself." Thus, I returned to the final option, which was to correct my error.

I admit, I feel uneasy asking the Lady's blessing and aid in this effort. A part of me says that I am not worthy of such assistance and that my problems are too small to merit such a request. It is, however, the same place that my self hatred/loathing springs from, thus I must reject it. I am unsure, however, just how to phrase such a request. I am unsure just what this has to do with the urge for a rosary of my own. It is mildly upsetting to be so confused and conflicted on this point.

Logic demands to know what the objective of a rosary practice would be. For the Catholics, it is the vehicle by which they contemplate the sacred mysteries of their faith. The same is true for the Deanists. For other witches, the rosary is a tool by which they cast spells, strengthen their relationship with the Gods, and meditate. I don't know how a rosary would serve me, what it's function would be in my practices. I only know that I am pulled, prodded, and pushed down the path of using one by the Lady.

I had hoped that I would stumble upon something that would answer my needs in the course of my research. Instead, I find only more questions, frustration, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction with what I find. Perhaps I should write my own prayers rather then take from other sources their freely shared prayers, I don't know. I only know that I have a deep desire to engage in this practice and I don't know why or what I would be seeking to accomplish. I feel a great deal of confusion. Perhaps the Lady will bless me with clarity.

----
* An exegesis upon this element of the Charge of the Goddess will be posted soon.

E-Book of Shadows?

Moon Phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 7 days)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cloudy, seasonably warm.
cool front expected later tonight
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I've been considering my options as to how I could organize the volumes of research that I have in my Book of Shadows. I am leaning more and more towards making up a couple of e-books, then burning them to CD. I suspect it will be a significant amount easier then wading my way through four notebooks and approximately 2 1/2 inches of paper to look up one fact or detail.

My current volume of my Book of Shadows is serving as a journal and spell book. I have been giving a great deal of thought to devising separate books for lore, spells, rituals, and psychic notes. I look at what I have now and I feel quite... irate with how difficult it is for me to dig through it to find what I am looking for.

Every so often, I halfheartedly attempt to make this mess resemble order. I usually stick with it about a week at most and then throw my hands up in exasperation. Since Stormcrow's request that I find some information about astral projection about two weeks ago, I have been up to my eyeballs in paper. This is just plain silly and counter productive.

Aside from that, I'll be posting up a few things from the annals of my magical history as I dig through all this stuff. I have some material that I think would prove of interest to you, my Readers. All I ask is that you bear with me as I proceed.

Suicide: more thoughts

Moon phase: Waxing Corn (Age: 5 days)
Moon Sign: Libra
Weather: Fair skies, seasonable; drought continues

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I've been giving the matter a great deal more thought over the last two days. It has been difficult for me to dig down through the layers to get to the most genuine of my feelings on Summer's suicide. I recognize the shock, disappointment, and anger were part of my response. The anger, however, grew for reasons aside from the fact that I was upset that she took her own life. It rose up and overrode the other feelings in a fashion that blinded me for a time to what I truly felt.

I have had time now to sit and examine the subject. And to examine my response to it. At the root of it all, I feel pity and compassion. At the time, I didn't feel comfortable with those emotions. I pushed them aside and grabbed hold of the anger. I recognize that the stages of grief include anger, but I didn't expect to cycle through to it so fast. I still hold to my initial statement when I learned of what happened: she should have picked up the phone, not the pills.

As I look at this, I must admit, I found myself going back to when I was actively suicidal. That phone call for help was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My hands were literally shaking with fear. I was fairly certain that if I couldn't get my therapist on the phone that I was going to do something terrible. I remember feeling terribly alone in that moment.

I can only guess how alone Summer felt at that time. In my case, I heard my mother's voice screaming in my ear. I don't know what was going on in Summer's case. I suspect, however, that the pain of her illness had reached an intolerable level and she was desperate for a way out. I don't think she was thinking clearly, because with out the influence of mental illness she was a vivacious person who virtually glowed with her love of life.

I pity the suffering she had and the crippling psychic pain that drove her to this act. My hackles go up at the fact that she killed herself in almost the exact same fashion that I had planned. The timing of it also leaves me uneasy because it hits too close to home. In some strange fashion, I find myself reminded to be thankful that I didn't kill myself and that I had gotten help. I don't know if that makes me a freak or not.

You will be missed, Summer. May it be that you have found the peace you were so desperate for and healing in the arms of the Goddess.

Suicide: How I view it.

Moon phase: Waxing Corn Moon (age: 3 days)
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, warm but seasonably so; drought still persists
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A friend of mine committed suicide a few days ago. It surprised and disappointed me. I felt some pity for her. Then I got angry. Really angry. I then took a step back and said to myself "Why are you angry, you contemplated it? How does your Tradition view suicide?" Those two questions stopped me cold in my tracks and have been rattling around in my mind for a little while now. Beloved's position was pure anger, as was that of Stormcrow. Both men had an excellent point when they expressed their disdain for one's final act to be of such selfishness. Both of them held out that the dead no longer were effected by their actions in this world, but left a tangled mess behind them for the living to sort out as a result of their final action.

The logical part of my brain agreed with this but the anger ran deeper then that. There was some sort of spiritual aspect to it that had me stumped. As such, I meditated upon the matter. I contemplated it as I lay sleepless the night after we had learned what happened. I rolled it around in my head as I was walking my son home from the bus stop. Then it finally hit me where the anger stemmed from.

I can accept that one will commit suicide to escape pain, to escape a poor quality of life, or as an act of resistance. I can accept that suicide can be accidental or a result of one's thinking getting completely distorted by things outside of their ability to control, such as the side effect of their medications. Suicide makes sense in these contexts. It may not be the ideal solution in the eyes of a third party, but to the person who is deliberately acting in this fashion, it will have been perceived as the best possible solution available to them. And as the First Law of Human Behavior states: All people shall act according to what they believe to be in their best interests according to the information they perceive to be available and relevant.

My anger came out of the fact that this suicide was a result of poorly managed depression. This young woman, according to what information I have learned from sources that were close to her prior to this event, intentionally disregarded elements of her illness. It is this that makes me angry. She knew she was on a collision course with a suicidal mindset but refused to address it. As one who has lived with recurrent bouts of suicidal depression for most of their life, I know what that feeling is like. At one point, I had several friends drag me back from walking out into traffic. As terrifying as incidents like that were, I struggle daily with suicidal thoughts as a result of my post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic, recurrent depression.

Why haven't I killed myself? It isn't out of cowardice, as my Mother once accused me of. It is courage and a grim determination to meet my responsibilities. It is my sense of honor. I have duties to people around me that I must uphold, lest I prove less then honorable. My friend knew she had similar duties to people around her. She chose not to make an effort to meet them, even if it wasn't perfectly. It was a cowardly act.

Now, there is a distinct possibility that the information that I have is incorrect. It may be that complications from her antidepressants caused her to become suicidal. If that is the case, my anger is mitigated somewhat. As this change in her thinking occurred, however, she should have addressed it with her doctor. Suicidal thoughts, generally, are not something that strike out of the blue unless there is a preexisting condition that is manifesting in that fashion. As such, she would have had a window of opportunity to get help for her crisis. An opportunity that she allowed to pass by.

I do not feel proud of my own suicidal tendencies. I am rather ashamed of them, actually. I, however, continue to fight them because I refuse to dishonor myself by failing in my obligations. It is my experience that the Gods punish dishonor. It comes in strange and at times subtle ways. But it does come. I have known people who bore the mark of a curse upon their aura and learned why. I have no wish to know how one who willfully dishonors themselves and commits suicide makes recompense for their failure to keep their oaths and meet their duties.

Edited to Add~ I realized as I reread this that I was writing my way through an emotional flashback. I believe I will let this post stand, but I need to give the entire situation more consideration before I post again on the topic. I apologize to any whom I offended.

Blessed First Harvest!

Moon phase: Waxing Corn Moon (age: 3 days)
Moon Sign: Virgo
Weather: Fair skies, warm but seasonably so; drought still persists
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In my own manner, I have been observing the festival of the first harvest for a little over a month now. I started with the first strawberries from my plants (subsequently, the only ones due to this drought). I then moved on to the wild black berries and my herbs. Today, I harvested the first pepper (which was tiny but so flavorful) off of my pepper plant.

It is my hope that with careful and diligent watering, my pepper plant will put out more peppers and the tomatoes will actually fruit, not just survive this beastly drought. With each bite, I said out loud or within my own little head a small prayer.

Hail to the Green Man! He who feeds us with his flesh!

It was unfortunate that my wheat didn't sprout and grow. If I am lucky, however, I may be able to get some gleanings from somewhere around here. Quite surprisingly, actually, I have a bit of wheat growing in the pot where I attempted to re-pot my very sickly orchid. The orchid, unfortunately, was too weak to take being repotted. But somehow, wheat seeds found their way into my MiL's bag of orchid potting mix and into the pot that had held my orchid. I'm hoping these seeds will continue to grow and I may get some ripe ears out of it, but I am not going to hold my breath.

I feel truly blessed right now, even with the pain in my leg (from a fall back in early June). I am home with my family. I have my plants growing as well as they can despite the drought. My children are growing up fine and strong. My husband has work and we can pay our bills. It is a collection of relatively small things compared to what goes on in the world, but I am deeply thankful for them. Sometimes, the greatest blessings are the ordinary things that we take for granted.

To have food to put in our bellies, clothes to cover us, and a roof to shelter us is to be in possession of a great many blessings that others are not so fortunate to have. Thus, I am thankful.

In my tradition, the First Harvest is a blessed day of work. Work is sacred. Just as the planting of the fields is a holy thing, so too is bringing in the harvest. I am profoundly thankful that I am home to go about the work of being a housewife and mother. Last year, I was in a hospital for my psychological illness. It was as different from today as night is from day. I have grown from that experience and I am thankful for the wisdom that has come from it.

Thus, the celebration of harvest season begins officially for many other Witches and Pagans. I too join in their ranks to take as much joy from life as I possibly can right now and to savor the plenty that is abundantly available before Winter comes. I may not be ready yet to make preserves to store up what I have grown in my garden, but each memory preserves the Summer to comfort me.

Blessed First Harvest, everyone.

A meditation upon the Charge of the Goddess

Moon: Waxing Mead moon (age: 13 days)
Moon Sign: Capricorn
Weather: Fair, seasonably mild
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Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.

~ Starhawk

I have been thinking quite a bit about the Charge of the Goddess recently. It's the closest to a Creed or profession of faith that can be found in modern Wicca. It is a luminous document that is filled with a great deal of depth and bespeaks of a mystery that lies beneath almost all religions: self-actualization and union with the Divine.

I have been stumbling again in my efforts to grow healthy and whole. It is hard for me to express deep and unconditional love for myself. My spell to bolster this hasn't borne any obvious and dramatic changes. It is, however, the way that spell craft works. It's not like some Hollywood glamor that goes off with a flash and suddenly transforms everything within it's reach. Instead, it is like changing the flow of a river by adding rocks. It is a slow process, but each stone added adjusts the flow ever so much until soon the whole river is moving along a new course.

I am working to become more accepting of all of my traits. It has been difficult work and at times it has been frightening. It requires changing what had been my (flawed) world view and (flawed) self image. I have been finding myself feeling proud of my accomplishments and making an effort to reach out to others (despite my debilitating social anxieties). I take this as a sign that the magic is working. I have been progressively becoming healthier in body and (hopefully) in mind. I am becoming more forgiving of myself and (slowly) less demanding.

One may ask how all of this relates to the Charge of the Goddess, especially the section I quoted above. There's a few different ways it ties back to this. First, we are taught that all acts of love and pleasure are Her rites. Love and pleasure are two separate things. It has been a tremendous act of self-love to strive to become healthier. It has taken a great deal of dedication and effort to reach where I am today, let alone progress farther down this path. Pleasure has made itself known in my life in small ways. Things like delighting in the fresh herbs I've been growing and the ripe berries on the wild black berry bushes in the back yard, or the sound of my children's laughter, these have been my sources of pleasure. While I'd be delighted to have a larger share of pleasure in my life, I will continue to engage in the acts of love as my daily prayers.

I have been seeking to know the Goddess within me. It has been a difficult task. I have been sifting through a lifetime of paralyzing self-doubt, criticism, and fear to find the glimmers of that which is really who I am. All women are a face of the Goddess just as all men are a face of the God. Even people who drive me to fits of frustration are faces of the unknowable Divine. It is my effort to know the face of the Goddess as reflected in my mirror every morning that will lead me to enlightenment and wisdom, along with health in mind, body, and soul.

Lastly, I have been striving very hard to embody the love that the Goddess and God have for all that is (for it is all a face of their Beloved). It is challenging to remember that love does not mean being a doormat and that sometimes it demands that we confront others regarding their behavior. It is especially challenging to remember that last bit. Still, I continue to make my efforts to be assertive and express my needs just as I would expect any other adult of sound mind to do in their relationships with their Beloved.

In it all, I remember that I am always within the 'magic circle of protection'. Unlike Ceremonialists, I don't need a symbol sketched out upon the ground to remind me of the sanctity of where I walk. My circle is the cycle of the day, the arms of my lover, the love of my family, the great horizon, the sphere of the Moon and Sun, and so much more that simply can not be expressed in mere words. I live within a blessed sphere and in the hands of the Gods. Somedays it is hard for me to remember that and then there are nights like tonight, where I see the Moon and feel blessings pouring out upon me in her silvery rays.

The Goddess is Love

We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
We are one with the Lady, we are one with the Lord;
And we know that earth's balance will one day be restored,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand,
And together we'll spread the news the Goddess is in our land,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

All praise to the Lady from whom all things come,
And all praise to the Horned Lord who makes us one,
And all praise to the people for joy and creation,
And they'll know we are witches by our love, by our love,
And they'll know we are witches by our love.

~ Anon. (adapted from They Know We Are Christians)

This little chant has been rattling in my mind for a few days now. It has been a gentle refrain as I struggle with my own challenges and individual problems. I find myself struggling with major self-image and self-worth issues. As Beloved pointed out to me, my problems are no less legitimate then his. He calmly and quite completely explained that my psychological difficulties are as in need of treatment as a physical one. Then he reminded me that I was worthy of healing, being loved, and of being successful. It brought me to tears.

This morning, as I lit my spell candle, it again struck me that the Goddess is love. She is more then that romantic rosy feeling that throws us topsy-turvy. She is the deep, abiding and compassionate love that is unconditional and sustaining. She is loving with out regard for how worthy a person feels they are or the opinions that others have of them. Unconditional love simply loves a person because they are there to be loved.

I've been struggling with cultivating that type of love for myself. And the faint refrain "we are love, love, love." just keeps echoing. I started this spell a little over a week ago. It is simply focused upon cultivating the love that I need in my life to be genuine to who and what I am. I now wear about my wrist a band with a charm in the shape of one of the ancient votive offerings to the Earth Goddess with the addition of a tiny heart.

I keep repeating my prayer that I started out with at the beginning of this whole process almost four years ago: Let me be healthy in body, mind, and soul. Taking the time to align myself with the Goddess in her face as Love, I think ... I think it will heal me as much as my vigorous efforts with exercise and diet have dramatically increased my physical health.

Contemplations and a compilation

Waning Strawberry Moon (18 days old)
Moon Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Mildly humid, seasonably warm, fair skies with light haze
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I have been busy with my garden and my children recently. The strawberry plants are getting berries on them. My oregano is growing like crazy and the new pot of thyme that my MiL got me is doing so too. I keep checking on my tomatoes and my pepper plant. I get nervous that they're going to be attacked by aphids or something. Every day, just about, I have been out among my plants. If I'm not watering them, then I'm pulling weeds or just checking them over to make sure they're in good health.

They're like another set of children, to be honest. Speaking of children, my boys are growing as fast as the plants. My eldest is in preschool and they asked me if there were any special family traditions or religious observances I wanted them to keep in mind. I was thrown for an absolute loop when they asked me that. I honestly don't know how to answer that question. A part of me says that it would be wrong to bring up our religion even as another part of me says this is a perfect opportunity to educate the general public about witchcraft.

To say the least, I've been giving it a lot of thought and prayer. I may even do some divination on this matter and talk to a few other witches. At the moment, I think I would have really loved to have Stargazer's and Rose's thoughts on this topic. They, however, are not about me at the moment but elsewhere on the Otherside. You can't exactly pick up the phone and leave a voice mail for the dead to call you back. It generally doesn't seem to work like that. They come and go as they do and on their own sense of time.

And then there is the other things I have been busy with. I've been writing articles about various facets of Wicca for the novice witch. My goal is to take the knowledge that I've learned and put it out in easily understood bites this way the young witches and seekers out there have at least one good source of information. Below is what I have done so far.

Wicca 101
Ancient Myths & Modern Man

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part3

Spiritual Self-Defense & Protection

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4

Wicca 201
Divination

As I write more articles, I'll post links to them on here.

Musings on Spinning

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous (10 days old)
Moon Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Partially cloudy, seasonably warm & cool front just passed in the last few hours
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As I have gotten more involved with the ancient craft of spinning, I have been attempting to find out old legends, stories, and wisdom regarding it. This has proven frustratingly elusive. I suspect that this class of legends have passed out of the folk memory with the exception of a few that were written down (like the Fates spinning out a man's life as a thread or Frigga spinning the clouds). I believe that with the advent of modern machine oriented textile production, the old stories were lost. And that is something that makes me sad.

The more I use my spindle and distaff, the more I feel a connection to my female ancestors. The more I find I feel a connection with the Goddess. I have been spinning a lot lately. The fiber I have been using isn't long enough to merit using my distaff, but one of my small collection of distaffs has a prized place upon my altar. It is in part a tool of my age old domestic craft and in part a sacred object. (I'm very much a kitchen witch in that respect.) My spindles are either busily in use or waiting for use. They're not still long enough to gather dust.

And I feel that work is sacred. Not what people uphold as the dreaded four letter connotation - that soul crushing, mind numbing thing which has all the feel of slavery in it's grip upon mankind is most definitely not what I view as sacred. Indeed, that I believe could be argued as profanity. No, work is the life sustaining tasks we engage in. The things we do out of love and necessity for the sake of ourselves, our families, and that which we believe in. The man who has a job he feels proud of and feels that he is contributing to his life and the lives of others... that man is engaged in the holy form of work. The one who is just dragging himself through the day for a paycheck, he is suffering a perversion of that first form of work.

I suppose all of that makes one question where my 'hobby' of spinning fits into this. I have several reasons why I spin. First, I spin because I enjoy it and it soothes me. As a person who suffers with anxiety on a daily basis, it is vital that I have something that helps me keep my mind at ease. With out it, I can scarcely function, let alone be a good mother and wife. Secondly, I spin because I feel a sacred connection to my ancestors and the Goddess. To engage in a task so intimately connected with the lives of those who founded my line and so sacred that the Goddess herself engaged in it... it is an act of worship and meditation to do so. Thirdly, I spin because I then can make useful and helpful things from my efforts. I can take raw fiber and eventually have hats and scarves for my husband and children.

Sure, I suppose I could go and buy all of my yarn at the local WalMart. There's lots of lovely colors and synthetic yarn is a lot easier to care for. At the same time, however, I can't shake the feeling that it is ecologically more responsible for me to spin. I am not depending upon the labor of some person who is being exploited to run a dangerous piece of equipment in a fiber mill in some third-world country. I'm not adding to the coffers of businesses that poison the earth with their chemical byproducts in producing the raw material for those synthetic fibers used in those mills.

Oh, I still will get some of that synthetic yarn, but I am gradually moving away from my dependency upon it. I am doing my best to start using more recycled yarn. I am beginning to comb the second hand shops for sweaters and similar items to frog and fashion into new things. I have been collecting bits and pieces of yarn that are left overs from other projects I have done to use in things like scarves and baby blankets. The more I do along these thrifty lines, the more I feel better about what I am doing. And still I spin.

When I am happy, I spin. When I am sad or fearful, I spin. When I am inspired, I spin. When I am devoid of even a remote flash of inspiration, I spin. With each turn of the spindle, each twist of the fiber, and each moment of time I am spinning, I pray. I wonder if my prayers are the same as my ancestresses.

I pray for peace of mind. I pray for the health and well being of my loved ones. I pray for justice for the wronged. I pray for health for the world and for all people of the world to know at least one good night's sleep. I pray for blessings to be infused into my work to bring well being to the person who eventually receives or wears what I make. I pray that those who bring evil into the world are opposed and eventually put to rights.

I also secretly pray for more fiber to spin, at times. I pray that my spindles won't break. I pray that I will continue to improve in my efforts to learn this craft. I pray that I actually master the knitting techniques I have been stumbling and struggling with. I pray that the materials I am using will prove strong enough to be used for any future project, be it weaving, knitting, crochet, or some other textile art form.

It's a whole lot for a twirling stick with some fiber wrapped around it. Perhaps, just perhaps, I will get glimmers of what my ancestresses thought of and did as they spun. I know one thing, I am going to continue to pray and spin for a long time.

A thought on Prophecy

Moon Phase: Waxing Strawberry Moon (5 days old)
Moon Sign: Leo
Weather: Fair skies, warm
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I was emailing a dear friend of mine when I briefly touched upon the subject of the Sight. The Sight, also known as Second Sight, is precognitive visionary experiences. Everyone experiences it at some point in their life, even if they pass it off as deja vu. Some of us are afflicted with it much more frequently. It... It doesn't work like how some people would like it to. We can't predict winning lotto numbers or sport's scores. If we happen to See something pertaining to economic things, it's usually a very general thing because of how big the world's economy is. So, psychics can't really make a proverbial killing on the floors of the Stock Exchange either.

Sometimes, we see things about weather. Sometimes we see things about family events, be it a crisis or a happy occasion. Rarely do we See something pertaining to ourselves. Second Sight is really more of a burden at times then it is the stereotypical 'blessing' that it would popularly be assumed to be. Some of us live our lives in fear of being declared insane, so we keep our revelations to ourselves unless it is utterly necessary to express them. And when we do communicate what has been mystically revealed to us, it is usually to a small group of people, people we trust intimately.

Prophecy... Prophecy is different from the Sight. It is more then the flash of intuition or the brief vision. Prophecy is direct communication from the divine. It can be sublime and wonderful or it can be terrifying. Either way, no one comes away from the experience unchanged.

For me... For me prophecy is more frequently a frightening experience. As I described it earlier tonight, it is as though I am caught in a violent storm and threatened to be swept away by the wind and rising mystical tied. I feel my mouth fill with words. It is as though something heavy is on my tongue and yet... There are times where music seems to just burst from within me, though I don't know where it comes from. The times where I feel music bursting... those are blessed moments where I know that the prophecy is a happy thing. In either case, I tremble and feel as though my blood is afire.

I don't talk about when these things happen to me. I learned very early on that to do so was dangerous. People took these kinds of things very badly. So, I kept it secret for a very long time. It, however, is beginning to happen more frequently again. While I don't like the feeling that I'm going to be swept away, I know that prophecy never comes from a place of evil. It humbles me. It teaches me. And ... I suppose I am blessed by the experience.

I just fear how my fellow man will take the things that the Gods whisper into my soul.

Falling into old patterns

Waxing Strawberry Moon
Phase: Waxing (4 days old) Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear skies, warm but seasonably so

It's been a busy last few weeks. This is the second weekend that I have gotten plants and did gardening. The flowerbed has yellow and orange flower seeds planted (marigold and nasturtium). I also have an orange-pink geranium (which seems to be doing quite well) and a orange snapdragon (which doesn't look too good right now). The neighbor downstairs gave me bulbs for orange tulips and blue hyacinth. I think I'll be digging up and replanting the paper-whites daffodils that never came up. I found that I missed some when I was working on transplanting them last year.

I'm going to try putting them into a deep pot and giving them some fertilizer. With luck, I'll get some healthy plants out of them. Right now, the poor things are so bedraggled and frail that you'd think they were just this side of dead. My Mother-in-law suggested that the problem is that they weren't buried deep enough last year (the ones in the flowerbed) and agrees that with the others it is a lack of sun. To say the least, I will be fetching another pot for these little dears and casting health related spells for them.

In the midst of my gardening, I repotted my wilted looking ivy. You could just about see the little thing perk up as I watered it. I also took my red miniature rose and repotted it too. I split the entangled roots apart, placed each plant into a pot, and watered them heartily. Over the next few days, I expect that they'll flourish. Goddess willing, these plants will do so. One of the three remains on my altar. Just over the last few hours, it has appeared to grown stronger and healthier. I think that the repotting was just what was needed.

I now have several herbs growing in pots along the wall beside the flowerbed. I have a pot of thyme which I honestly don't know if it's going to recover well or not. It was looking pretty close to dead when I got it. I have two pots of chives (gifted to me from my MiL and repotted because they didn't seem to be doing well in the big pot they were all in). I gave away a third pot of chives to my neighbor downstairs. He was quite delighted to get it and immediately started talking about how he had missed using fresh herbs in his cooking. I have a pot of basil that is doing much better then when I had initially gotten it. The basil looked as poorly as the thyme is when I got it last week. It gives me hope for the thyme.

In addition to these, I have a sweet green bell pepper plant in a generously sized pot. I have little tiny blooms on it. This makes me quite happy. I also have three strawberry plants. Two in one pot and one in the other. They are starting to get blossoms on them. I'm trying to decide if I should pollinate them with a paintbrush or if I want to wait and see if the bees will come by to do it for me. I have two pots of marigold growing on the back deck (where the strawberries are) and a pot with several ivy cuttings in it. I also have the cuttings from MiL's southern-wood and fuchsia back there in a pot.

I am flirting with the thought of repotting my houseplants. The African violet is looking unwell. It is a tough call as to if it is getting too much light or if it's rootbound. I need to do a little more research on that. I also have noticed that one of my snakeplants is looking a little worse for wear as well. I believe that some of this is because the pot is too small and some of it is because there's too many plants in that pot. I may do this bit of 'indoor gardening' later this week.

So, my title of this may seem odd when you view my ramblings about plants and such. I need to put it in to a little context here. First off, I have fallen back into the habit of doing things according to moon-phase again. I weeded and aerated the flowerbed during the waning moon. This was to cast out the unwanted influences on the planting that was going to happen. I've been doing my plantings with the new and waxing moon, to draw in the increasing healthful energies. Thus magically tying my plantings to the waxing moon and sun's energies.

My choice of herbs is a combination of culinary and magical. I won't go on about the uses of them. There's enough herbals out there to describe them. The use of the colors yellow, orange, and red in my choices of flowers (even the hanging basket- it has yellow pansies) is to bring vitality and life into my home and to bless us all with well being. I want to get a set of wind chimes to hang off the shepherd's crook to evoke the blessings of the Gods with each ring. I also want to place into the flowerbed subtle images that call to mind the Gods that I hold devotion for.

Many people have churches they go to. I have my flowerbed to use as my focus for prayer, meditation, and spiritual expression. I'm not ready to take on the shade bed yet. I may do so in a few weeks. Perhaps I'll be blessed enough to locate some hostas and similar plants within my budget or given to me as gifts. I'm not finished yet with my plants, but it feels good to work with them again. I haven't really done this much since when I was living down in Wellsville.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

Changes coming soon!

Stitches and witches, sew what?

Moon Phase: Waxing Blossom Moon (4 day old)
Moon Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild, clear skies and light breezes from the west. Venus is quite brilliant.

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My silly attempts at punning aside, I have spent my time since my last post here engaged in a great deal of spinning, sewing, embroidery, knitting, and crochet. This is not idle behavior but rather closely tied to my efforts to regain my psychological and spiritual health. It may sound a little silly, but I am in effect adopting some of the idea of the Prayer Shawl Ministry into one of my projects.

J & J are two very dear friends of mine who have fallen onto hard times. The husband of this sweet couple (who are like family to my husband and I, the proverbial 'brother from another mother' kind of deal here) has had the misfortune to be in prison because of an unjust law and will remain there until 2013, unless the Gods are kind and some act has him released into his wife's loving arms and liberty before then, healthy and hale. As they struggle to achieve some level of normalcy in this situation and do their best to retain their dignity in what is a truly degrading and dehumanizing situation (an innocent man sent to prison is just terrible for all involved), I was at a loss for what to do to bring a measure of help and comfort to the wife of this couple. They had told us various things we could do, but it really felt paltry in the face of the enormity of this tragedy.

Then I remembered reading about the Prayer Shawl Ministry as I was looking up shawl patterns to make for myself. Instead of a shawl, however, I am making a blanket which they both can share. As I work on this blanket, it is not simply that the blanket itself is going to be stitched with love, compassion, and good wishes for them. For this blanket is being made from hand-spun yarn from myself and those who spin and are willing to donate. The yarn I have made, it is special because into the yarn itself is spun my intentions to express the love, support, and good wishes of my family for these two very dear people in our lives. It may be simplistic but sometimes, it is the simplest forms of magic that work the best.

My newest embroidery project is a sampler done in colors inspired by myself with stitches chosen as they occur to me. It is something of a self-portrait in fabric. It is not a very large sampler, but I am intending to do another and another as I progress forward in my counseling. While my painting has reflected the pain and sorrow of the past, my embroidery has shown the radiant core of joy, peace, and love that has always been within me, undaunted by the afflictions that I have experienced. I haven't yet decided on the motto I'm going to stitch on to this. I am debating between Love Conquers All (in Latin or English, I'm not fully committed yet) or All acts of Love and Pleasure. I am planning on making this little sampler into either a pillow or a rose scented sachet. Either way, it is going to be one of the first things I see in the morning and one of the last I see at night. A daily reminder of my strength and the various other wonderful qualities I have within me. My intent is for this to be a love-gift to myself, for Beloved has very wisely pointed out that I haven't done enough kind things like this for myself.

Similar to the crochet blanket I mentioned earlier, I am going to be piecing and sewing a pair of quilts. It was initially going to be three quilts, but the plans for that fizzled out fairly quickly. One quilt is going to be of a modest size and I plan for it to be finished by Yule, at the latest. It is for my brother's soon-to-be ex-wife. Just as the crochet blanket I am making for J & J is going to embody the love and care that I and my family hold for them, this will do so for a woman who has become my sister in name and deed. It may no longer be in name, but she will always be a sister to me and I shall always treasure her presence in my life. This will be a sampler quilt of a very traditional design, there by I hope to not only carry forward my own bit of skills but also the heritage of my family that my brother's disgraceful behavior failed to convey to his wife and children.

The second quilt is going to be large enough for a king-sized bed and it will be what is known by some as a 'double top' or a 'double patchwork' quilt. This is specifically for our dear friend who is in prison right now. One block is going to be made for each month of his sentence. The last six months of his term are going to be for piecing together the blocks, quilting, and finishing this. It will be made with my thoughts and prayers for him. Happy memories, hopes, and everything else that comes to mind as I meditate upon him while I sew is going to be part of this. If I can, I am going to try to get Beloved to do some stitches into this also.

This is what I am working on. By doing this, I not only have tangible evidence in my hands of how I can help others, my love for them, the relationships I am in, and of who I am, I also help to sow peace and love where there is fear and anxiety. Even only a small measure of that helps the world at large.

Spring is the season of growth, if the Gods smile on me, perhaps these seeds will grow and run rampant, crowding out the depression and other things that have served to oppress me and many others. For we are all most severely in need of it.

A season of preparation

There are several people I know who are not Catholic and they are practicing the annual observation of Lent with abstaining from something for the period of time between Ash Wednesday and Easter. If you read some of the history surrounding Lent it becomes clear that the practice of fasting for 40 days is a point of much contention or if fasting was practiced at all by early Christians. With all of this historical uncertainty surrounding the practice, it leaves the question of why this season of fasting has persisted even into modern Catholicism.

Some of it could be light-heartedly ascribed to the same mentality that gives us the lightbulb joke that one of my Catholic friends told me:

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Change! Catholics never change!

This, however, fails to recognize the value of this practice. Before I discuss this, however, I should point out two things about this practice. First, the word Lent comes from the Teutonic peoples who lived in central and eastern Europe. Originally, it simply meant early spring time. In early spring time, we find a practical reason for the fasting of Lent when we look back at the people it comes from. At this point, the weather is still cold and foreboding. The food stores gathered the year before are heavily depleted and the game which had been more plentiful earlier are now more scarce due to a combination of attrition related to the cold weather and relating to hunting. Here, fasting serves to conserve valuable food resources until the warmer weather of spring arrives to make food resources more plentiful.

Secondly, the role of fasting within any religion is fairly apparent. It serves a dual purpose. The first is to purify the body and the second is to induce a state of trance. It is a component in various religious rites all around the world from times in deep antiquity to today's melange of contemporary belief systems. In the structuralized setting of Lent, it serves not only to purify the body but also to guide the one engaged in the practice to a deeper understanding of their beliefs, often in a quasi-mystic sense. This, however, is frequently an unspoken thing in modern Catholicism due to various political factors that I am not going to discuss here.

Voluntarily surrendering something for the sake of focusing upon another is nothing new. In many ways, it can be a routine part of our day (like the diet to lose x number of pounds by summer). When a specific goal is held in mind, letting go of various things becomes easier. The practice of Lent serves to focus the Catholic upon their faith and what it means to be a member of the body of Christ. It is the same as the purpose of Ramadan in Islam, to help the practitioner of their faith to refocus upon their beliefs and what their role in the religion is.

Lent and Ramadan are both seasons of preparation. (Advent is supposed to be one as well but modern society has reduced it down to the annual shopping orgy that it's all but forgotten in a spiritual context.) Within the belief system of modern Witchcraft, there is no season of preparation. There is no season of preparation because we live suffused into the world with out a specific thing to prepare ourselves for, such as the return of a savior. This, however, does not mean that we should neglect our need to refocus ourselves and meditate upon our beliefs.

Farmers and gardeners use the early spring to prepare for planting. We witches would do well to follow that example. There are things that we all shall work towards over the coming seasons of growth. Let us take the time to plan for them and meditate upon how we wish to see ourselves spiritually develop and blossom over the coming year and what we wish to harvest as our accomplishments come Mabon. It will soon be time to begin planting, the Equinox always comes quickly.

Imboleg 2010: preparation

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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I think this year I am going to actually hold a small ritual for Imboleg and invite some folks from the coven that Rose was head of. I also think I am going to invite my sister-in-law and my aunt. I know it is this weekend, but I also know that the ritual does not need to be precisely on that day. I'm actually leaning towards the prospect of combining the ritual with a full moon observance. Saving the private observance of Imboleg for myself at home.

This year is going to be a year of changes. I can feel it coming. I think that we all need to get ready for the coming year and that the changes are going to be big enough that we need to sweep away the remnants of the past year. I am going to be a bit of a sassy thing and bring a little bit of the paganism with me to the game I'm attending this upcoming weekend. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think it really wouldn't be fair to everyone. So, I believe I'll just let it remain separate.

For the ritual, if I can manage it, I want to do a candle blessing and purification ritual. I don't know if this thaw is going to hold. If it does, however, I believe that I want to take the opportunity to burn slips of paper with the things we're purifying ourselves of. I also believe that I want to burn slips of paper with prayers for the new coming spring. I'm fairly sure that it will be a straight forward and simple thing. Some of the best magic, however, is the simplest.

Because Imboleg is deep winter's end, I want to reflect this. The last of my winter altar images are going to get put away. I believe that the altar 'furniture' is going to be rearranged somewhat as well, with a new altar cloth laid down. I think I'm going to replace the rose quartz sphere with the marble egg. I also believe that I'm going to replace the raw rose quartz piece sitting there with a clear quartz point. The stalks of wheat that are in the vase sitting on the altar in a position of honor are going to be replaced with a small pot of soil. I'm not fully decided on this. I may just let it stay until it...

Actually, I just figured out what I should do. I should take one of my small bowls that I use for offerings and put seeds in it. I'm going to need to think about what kind of seeds, but it'll make sense soon enough. The colors pink are frequently associated with this Sabbat because it's so close to Valentine's day. I don't know if I want to do that, though. I'm thinking something closer to a spring green. And I'm also thinking that it'd be more fitting to have a small pot of flowers rather then the seeds on the altar.

I don't know what'll be best. I suppose I am rambling, but I do know that enough time has passed that we really should do something. Rose would be heartbroken to see how the circle has fallen apart with out her.

Candle Magic for Healing

Moon: Waxing Ice Moon, sign of Taurus
Weather: Unseasonably warm, overcast, light rain and humid
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The link I have above is to a website that has done a fair amount of homework on this subject. They do a pretty good job of representing the 'standard' understanding of color associations for candle magic. I'm not going to write down the spell I used here because I have yet to write it into my Book of Shadows. Furthermore, it is more effective to make your own spell then to use one from someone else.

All of that said, I have a blue candle burning on my altar right now. It is infused with the oils of rose and chamomile. While the packaging for this candle says it is for positive energy, I'm not using it for that. The nice thing about candles in magic is that the people who sell them can suggest what you use them for but you ultimately decide how you use them. I could discuss that and ramble along on that topic for a while but that's not the objective with my post here.

I wanted to talk about healing magic and candle magic. Candle magic is something that works fairly quickly, in my opinion. If I wanted to do magic that manifest within a week or a few days, I get a candle that burns quickly and use it for this purpose. Candles that take longer to burn can equate to a longer time period until manifestation. That is, however, if you are keying your spell to the consumption of the candle. It is possible to focus the spell's manifestation on different elements of the use of the candle.

I have a big fat pillar candle on my altar. It is one that I burn when ever I am praying or meditating. It serves as a visual focus for me and as a representation of my offering to the Gods. Other candles have different purposes and my use of them reflects it. They all have the same basic function, which is to be a physical tie to what I am working to accomplish and a psychological key to help me enter the correct mindset to engage in the task I have. I like candle magic because even the act of lighting the candle helps to settle and focus me. It is a ritual all by itself.

Healing magic... Oh how much of a mixed blessing that is. On one hand, we like to think that healing magic makes us feel wonderful and somehow removes all ailments. It doesn't do that, however. Properly constructed healing magic works to help the subject reach the state that will be maximum health for them at that time. It doesn't specify that they are what is commonly understood as healthy. I've done healing magic that brought that result. I've also done healing magic that brought death. It was not my intent to bring death, but death was the healthiest state for the person to be in, for it released them from the great suffering that they were in.

Healing magic, like love magic, is a double edged sword. My blue candle is focused upon my psychological healing. Since I have put it on my altar and started burning it, it hasn't alleviated my flashbacks, night terrors, or the trembling fear that stalks my heart often these days. Instead, it has been forcing me to confront them by placing situations and events into play that serve either as a mirror or draws these buried things up into the light of my conscious mind. It is not comfortable, gentle, or anything even remotely resembling pleasant.

It is as difficult to heal as it is to be wounded. In many ways, I believe it is harder. I think this healing magic that I am working on is like calling in another pair of hands to assist me in forcing the infection out of a wound that had scabbed over. That other pair of hands won't shrink from something because it causes me discomfort. It is very, very hard to accept that magic works like this but when you do accept it, you become far more successful.

Right now, however, I look forward to when the pain eases back to more tolerable levels. I don't believe I'm going to cast anything to make this healing progress faster because these kinds of things, if they go quickly, seem to turn very, very ugly in the midst of moving rapidly before hitting that desired result.

St. Distaff Day?

Waning Snow Moon, Sagittarius
Cold but seasonal, light area wide snowfall, winds from the north-west
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In Medieval Europe, the day after the Feast of Epiphany was known as St. Distaff day. This was the day when women resumed household work and the holiday season ended. It was a day when pranks were played and men and women embraced the new year. I am not Christian by any stretch of the imagination but there's something to be noted about having a day where work of the home is celebrated.

On my little altar in the living room here, I have a little braided wrist distaff and my spinning materials are all about. I've been ill and much of the household orientation has been upended as a result. Instead of it being done by intention, it was by necessity that my husband took on the role of Mr. Mom for the last few weeks. To say the least, the children were a bit taken aback by the change in routine. In medieval households, such changes were light hearted and done with a sense of exuberance to brighten up the dull days of deep winter.

It was good to have the experience, I think both my husband and I learned a lot from it. I learned that I needed to step back and let him handle things when I can't do them. It's not easy to do that. He learned what I did everyday and the challenges and joys of it. I don't think he's laughed quite as much as he did last week at the antics of the boys in a long time at work. I may intentionally incorporate something like this into the observances of the year, this way we have reminders like this when we need them.

I'm also fairly certain that the little boys will make fine Lords of Misrule. They've got a good start on it as it is right now.

Blessed Yule.

Moon: Waxing, in the sign of Aquarius
Weather: Cold, scattered lake effect snow
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It is fitting that today, of all days, I was awakened by a child's cry. The Sun has been reborn, the longest night has passed, and warmth shall return to the world. I wanted to keep vigil last night until sunrise but I wasn't going to unless it happened to coincide with my taking care of a pair of sick boys. Instead, I woke at random times during the night. After my initial irritation with the rude awakening, I meditated upon the births of my children.

Both were difficult for their own reasons. The birth of my first child was difficult because he was in the wrong position, labor failed to progress, and I had pre-eclampsia. The birth of my second child was difficult because it was emotionally very difficult for me. Labor was very upsetting for me. Even though I was with out the relief of anesthesia for only a few hours prior to the cesarean section delivery and the pain wasn't as sharp as my appendicitis, it was very difficult to bear because of my anxiety and it felt far worse due to it.

As I thought about this and about the other metaphorical labor that I have been engaged in (the rebirth of myself), I found myself wondering why the myths surrounding any Goddess giving birth tend to gloss over the struggle. The myths and legends describing the exploits of Gods frequently describe in explicit detail the struggles endured by the Divine of the male presentation. Why do they so rarely detail so fully the struggles of the Divine in the female presentation?

Is it perhaps because women are taught to remain silent of their struggles where men are taught to speak of them? Is it because there is some patriarchal scheme to repress women and to do so by hiding the strength of Goddesses in the mythos of our ancestors? Is it because the matriarchal schemes deemed these points too sacred to discuss out loud? Is it because these challenges are far too personal and intimate to be conveyed in words?

I don't think any of the above really can serve as an answer to my question. I do think, however, that it is possible to change the lessons taught and bring the message of the strength in women out to the world as powerfully as the message of the strength in men is presented. I think that it is possible to honor the strength of Goddesses just as completely as the strength of Gods is honored. I also think that the fragility of Gods, as well as, the traditionally feminine traits of submissiveness, receptiveness, and nurturing can be presented in a fashion that does not diminish the masculinity of them.

Strength does not make a woman into a man any more then her wearing pants does. Gender roles are something that we accept and choose according to how we wish to identify ourselves and present ourselves to the world. The flesh we are clothed in can give us a powerful push to be masculine or feminine. It does not, however, determine if we are this or that because even in humanity there is a place for gender neutral. People are born female in apperance but are genetically male, as are people born with both sex characteristics (organs even). Physiology does not determine masculinity or femininity, it only suggests it just as society does.

I'm not sure how this rambling diatribe relates to what I was planning to post earlier. I do find myself thinking of Loki's time as a mare. I question how uncomfortable that experience could have been. To have gone from being male and a humanoid to female and a horse is enough of a shock. To have additonally been pregnant and have birthed offspring... I suspect that even the Wolf's Father had a bit of a challenge wrapping his mind about that.

Oiy vey! A YEAR?

Good Gods! I'll be posting more regularly in here soon. I just have to get a few more things squared away in my life at the moment. Yule is going to be rather busy this year. Take a look at my other blog to see what's been going on. :)

Submission to deity

Moon Phase: Waning Snow Moon
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Cold, recovering from a pair of snow storms; strong winds, with sub-zero wind chill
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This was a bit of a discussion question on a pagan forum that I've decided to poke my head in at from time to time again. I've thought about it and I decided that I should cross post my reply to here, because I believe it is relevant and interesting to anyone who may be reading this blog.

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Hmm... Submission. It's such an interesting word. It can be used in so many different ways and contexts, even with respect to deities. I suppose I should address this in as complete of a way as I can, because I may manage to bungle what I'm trying to express if I leave something out. Please bear with me as I put my thoughts to paper (electrons??), because this is being written as the thoughts occur to me.

Submission is something that can not happen with out one choosing that position, in my opinion. When one is forced into a position that could be described as submissive, one is subjugated, which is an act of violence and one is then held in thralldom. Submission, on the other hand, one chooses it and can choose to leave the position as well. The distinction is made in the mind. Sure, a submissive may be in some form of bondage, but their bonds rest far lighter then those of a thrall because the submissive accepts their bonds. A thrall will resist them and when tired out from the active resistance will resent them, which is a passive resistance.

Now, putting this into the context of dealing with gods, it is my opinion that when ever one chooses to act as a vessel to convey a portion of the godhead into the world, one is submitting to the god in question. Each time a Wiccan High Priestess Draws Down the Moon or a Wiccan High Priest Draws Down the Sun, they are submitting to the associated gods. The same can be held true for any oracle who consents to serve as a mouthpiece for a deity.

I think that the popular opinion that when one subsumes their will in the face of divine will is an accurate description for submission to the divine, as well. I don't believe, however, that this is the entirety of it. When one is dealing with a person who is clearly under the influence of a deity to the extent that their personality is subsumed (I call that state god-ridden.) then choosing to place yourself into a position of subservience to the person who is god-ridden is also submission to a deity.

I believe that this last form of submission to a god is the most challenging because of the fact that it requires for the person who is engaged in submitting to the god-ridden person to have a high amount of knowledge about the person who is god-ridden and a high amount of knowledge of the deity in question. Also, it requires an enormous amount of trust.

While I am willing to engage in the first two forms as I feel appropriate, I have to say that I've only encountered a handful of occurrences that I am willing to engage in the third form of submission. I don't generally trust people enough not to fake being god-ridden for the sake of a quick power-trip. I've also encountered quite a few people who will do just that.

Now, all of this is coming from the perspective of someone who is a BDSM aficionado, preferring the Sub role most of the time.

Thoughts on Samhain

Moon: Waxing Snow Moon
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Mild, changeable and cloudy, seasonably cool
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Samhain has come and gone. We just completed several days of unseasonably warm weather with temperatures ranging up into the lower 70s. My birthday was yesterday and I am now 30. Somehow, over the course of the last several days, I have also found myself facing some exceptionally difficult and painful things. It has not been easy.

I question if the matters of the heart which I have been struggling with are a rite of passage in their own respect. I've had dreams of the Horned One comforting me. I've also had a dream of myself. In it, I was an old woman with a small child on my knee. The little girl looked up at me and said, "Gran-ma-ma, what did you do when your Momma didn't love you?" In the dream, I answered, "I loved her anyways. And she loved be but she wasn't good at it."

It is something that brings my mind back to love and the Lady. I may be odd, but I've come to understand that the Lady's precepts and law is very simple and it is "Love." I think I finally understand that love does not mean blindness or submitting to abuse. As heartbreaking as it is to be hurt by another in their blindness, it is far worse to submit to such treatment needlessly.

In my mind, calling abuse love is among the worst forms of blasphemy that can be expressed. Now, I'm not generally one to throw about the word blasphemy or anything else like that given the religion I practice is not one that cleaves closely to the words of some elder, strict dogma, or any other element of organized religion, where that term is used fairly regularly. I suppose when you look at this it may not be technically blasphemy, but it's quite close. Perhaps anathema is correct instead.

Quibbling over terms aside, the Lady does not want us to be fools. Yes, we're called to love unconditionally, as that is what pure love is. Unconditional love, however, does not make us a slave to the one we love. Unconditional love does not excuse abuse or condone it.

Waxing Mourning Moon & Memories

Moon: Waxing Mourning Moon
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Unseasonably mild, high thin clouds
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I don't know why I did it but I looked at her blog. A part of my heart broke as I looked and read. It was as though I could hear her voice again as it sounded in life, not that strange whisper of clairaudience that I hear now when she visits me. I looked at it and I wanted to cry.

I miss her so much. So many words left unsaid. So many things that I wanted to share with her but it just doesn't work well now that she is no longer here walking the green earth with me. Oh, I suppose I could tell her everything I wanted to say but I can't ever feel her arms around me, see her smile, or listen to her laugh with that husky, rich laugh that she has after she's drunk a bit too much coffee and snuck a cigarette or two.

They say that we have soul mates and kindred spirits. I believe she was one of mine. I believe that she was a long lost soul sister of mine whom I wish I had met long before she came into life a few years ago. I cherish the memory of her laugh and everything about her. I'm struggling to live with the courage that she thought I had. It's so hard when you realize that everything about a friend is gone except for the echo of their life.

That spark, that essence of them is not here anymore. It's across the veil. And as close as they can come to us, they can never fully reach us except with heroic effort and some cost to them. So, I sit here and I mourn. I struggle with tears that refuse to be shed and this lost, confused sense of hope. I know we will meet again in the green fields of the Otherworld. We'll laugh and talk of my son and our husbands. But right now, I just want to weep because I can't hear her voice.

And the pain of her bodily absence from my life deadens my ear and senses to her presence on the otherside. Though I'm sure she knows I am there and grieves for me even as I grieve for her, as she always seemed to know my pain even though we didn't know each other for very long on this earth.

A few thoughts and a dream of the Horned One

Moon phase: Waning Blood Moon, approx. 2 days before New Snow Moon
Moon sign: Virgo
Weather: Seasonably cool, cloudy, and fair amount of rain

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It's been a difficult, difficult several days.

Full moon came and went. I've been torn between illness and feeling so damn depressed that I can't clearly remember what I did that night. I know that I did something, but I can't recall what. This is what comes of my forgetting to update any blog, journal, or anything else in a timely manner, I suppose.

Samhain is coming fast. With it comes a great deal of very hard emotional work. It's ironic that the waning moon is in Virgo. I've been struggling so very much with matters of home, heritage, and family, as well as my femininity. With this waning moon, I can tell that things are being cleared away. Blockages are being removed and unhealthy bonds are getting severed. I've taken steps to remove myself from unhealthy situations and I have been progressing forward. Quite possibly at a rapid rate.

But if I'm making such successful headway, why do I hurt so very much?

I don't know what Samhain will bring. I do know, however, that all of this is going to come to a head and will reach the point of resolution. I'm welcoming that, because I'm tired of this pain that's always been lurking beneath my skin and deep within my soul.

I need to face the Dark Mother and the Horned One. I need to do it to free myself from the past, but I'm afraid to do so. Fear, however, has not stopped me from doing what I needed to in the past.

I've had this dream several times over the last few days. I was an infant or a small child, cradled in the arms of the Horned One. As he held me, I felt safe and unafraid. The scents of the deep forest were all around us and I only saw darkness, except for him. He was illuminated as a person would be under the full moon that's covered by shadow at one time or illuminated as a person would be only by star light with a new moon. In the dream, he simply held me and rocked me.

I think that his comfort is what I needed to get thru the last several days as the realizations had been getting ready to break thru. I know that there is something more waiting, but I'm not sure what. It'll be revealed soon, I think. I just wish I could hold that calm feeling of safety and being unafraid, being at peace, within my heart as I moved forward thru all of this. So much fear, pain, and confusion have been bubbling up when I haven't been stuck with the misery and fustration of being ill recently.

Waxing moon, waxing challenges.

Moon phase: Gibbous waxing, one day before full
Moon sign: Pisces
Weather: Unseasonably warm, fair skies and mildly humid.
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As the moon has transitioned closer to full, I've found the challenges in my life has increased and more illumination has been shed on my weaknesses. As the month where Samhain falls is generally the month were much of the work one engages in over the year comes to completion, I recognize that this month is going to be quite challenging. I'm not exactly enjoying it, but I understand and accept it. It's easier when you accept the reality of the challenges before you then it is to try to run from them.

This said, I'm unsure what exactly I should do when it comes to engaging in magical work for this month. It's been a hard debate as to if I should actively engage in magic for my Aunt's bit of a problem. She has a love struck individual who is quite infatuated with her and her feelings for him are only friendship. It's made things somewhat uncomfortable and she's asked me to cast something to help him find someone who he will have his affections returned in the same fashion and be happy with.

Since the disasters that I've witnessed with respect to love magic, I generally try to avoid any of it. Most people are asking for one thing and wanting something entirely different. Only rarely does it work in the way that's what is desired and in those cases it is because desire and will are aligned to make it happen. I find it difficult to agree to do a spell for some one else on the matter of love because of the challenges that get additionally entangled if a third party is doing something on this front.

With every spell that one does, they will entangle themselves into it as well. I've observed over the years that, for example, if you bind someone against certain behaviors, you in turn bind yourself against them. It is a sympathetic restriction that serves to help reinforce the focus. Most people don't realize this reciprocal element of magic. It makes the question of what to cast and how to cast it become more important to any given Witch.

It also makes the question of what you're ethics say about your spell work a much larger one. I'm currently wrestling with that one right now. As I've been thinking about it, I'm tending towards casting one specific thing. Something to bring them each a healthy, loving relationship, that will support them in completing the things that they must engage in on their respective Life Paths. It would be something that can resolve the discomfort of both individuals and promotes their well-being. It also is something that I'm willing to do because it serves to reinforce what I've been working on here for myself.

Then there is the other matter that I'm struggling with. I'll write about that in a little bit, as I've a few household things to attend to. I suspect, however, there is going to be quite a few comments and thoughts murmured about in response to this next post.

Just some rambling.

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.