TPE: B is for Belligerent

Belligerent is not a word most people think of in a positive aspect. Honestly, it is the case of my turning the concept on its ear right now, because belligerent almost always has a negative connotation. You know what else has a negative connotation? Not being part of the mainstream religious set. The farther you move away from that mainstream activity and the more pressure you get from society to bend back into their comfortable norms. The problem is, the norms are comfortable for THEM and not YOU.

When confronting this as a young woman, I got angry. Then I got belligerent. When people did things like called me Satan's whore, I didn't just shrug off their comment. I got right back in their faces and challenged them to prove it. I demanded that they produce evidence that their accusations held water. This lead to a few narrowly avoided physical confrontations and my locker being the target of theft several times. It was, however, something that I just couldn't 'ignore' them and hope it would go away.

People say that if you ignore bullies they'll go away. That's not exactly true. They'll keep at it until they are satisfied with the damage they caused. This means that they'll escalate the harassment until they get the reaction they want out of you. I got belligerent and dug my heels in when I hit the point that the harassment became unmanageable by non-confrontational means. I had people tell me that I was getting angry over nothing, but they weren't in the position of having people telling you all the time that your way of life was wrong and that you deserved what you got (and worse) because you simply weren't Christian. They weren't in a position where they had to struggle with the question of if you said or did the wrong thing, would the bullies go after your younger siblings. (That happened once. That bully had the misfortune of taking on all three of us at once due to that. And we didn't fight fair, we fought with what ever worked. My only regret about that instance is that we didn't draw blood from that little shit.)

Sometimes, you just can't be passive. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and get ready to fight. The trick is recognizing what battles are worth waging and what ones are not. In the USA, there's been an uptick in the 'conservative' Christian rhetoric. It has lead to people who just want to practice their religion in peace being the subject of harassment that goes beyond someone spitting on your and having terrible things to say about you, your family, and what their opinion of your afterlife is going to be. People are being told that they can't have a church because its not some flavor of Christianity. People are being told that they can't participate in public prayer because they're not part of that accepted group. There are people who are dealing with their lives and livelihoods in danger all because they're openly practicing their religion.

I wish it was as simple as screaming Odin and beating the piss out of the biggest jerk in the room. But we're not kids in the schoolyard anymore. And anyways, the schoolyard has become a more dangerous place over the years. A shoving match and a few punches have been morphing into collective beat-downs. (Do a few google searches on the topic of violence in schools and you'll find evidence of it. It's repulsive.) Now, we have to fight smarter. We have to take the fight into the courts and press it as high and as far as it will go. We have to take the fight into the larger community and reveal the bigots for what they are, generally the western equivalent of the nutjobs who are out there as terrorists in the world. When it becomes necessary to defend ourselves with force, we must always make a point of never being the one who starts the fight and always being the one who finishes it.

We need to get angry and be belligerent. Nobody is going to ride to our rescue. We have to do it ourselves. And if we don't do it, how much worse is it going to be for the next generation? Because these kinds of problems don't just go away. They fester and get worse as time progresses.

I'm not a fuzzy bunny.

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from

the west, intermittent flurries

Snow pack: approx 3 in

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I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.

I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.

It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise. 

The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?

TPE: A is for Anger

I'm a little behind on my TPE posts. I apologize for that. Scumbag brain has been making it hard for me to keep track of things.

Anger is the dark secret of emotions. No one wants to admit to having it on a regular basis. No one wants to talk about it. If you express it publicly, it had better be in a controlled, family friendly fashion or it scares the neighborhood. It's basically the red headed step-child of emotions.

The thing is, anger is really powerful. Anger can literally move nations to action. Don't believe me? Look at all the wars going on around the world. At the root of them, someone is angry with someone else and they decided to march on a road of bones. The magical community gets really squicked by anger, except for the people who are on the left-hand path or practice grey magic. I suppose I fall into the grey magic category.

You see, I use my anger (when I am able) to blast my way through the proverbial road blocks that pop up in front of me. Where some people would sit and sigh and sob about a problem, I get angry. Then I take that anger and channel it into bending the world to my will. Some people would tell you that this is a very dangerous thing to do. They'd be right, because if you're not ethical about it you can do a lot of damage. Heck, even when you're being ethical about it, you can still do a lot of damage.

The thing is, there has to be a point where you stop being overrun by the emotion and see it for what it is. It is energy. Anger is a very powerful form of energy. Shape it correctly and you can force a problem to be resolved or create a monstrosity. The question is, how are you going to use it. And that's always the question when you set out to do magic. Don't fear your anger. Don't let it rule you either. Make it work for you and you'll be bending things to you will as well.

Letters to Loki # 9 - Long day is long.

Hello there Sly One,

It's been a rough while since I last wrote. I've been dealing with a depressive episode and only today have I felt like I had my wits together enough to actually write you via the blog. It's somewhat amusing that even having slept approximately half of the day away, I still feel like I have had a very long day. I suppose being depressed will do that to you.

I've been looking at my writing project and feeling like what I am producing is garbage. I will not delete it or do anything rash like that. I am just feeling very unsure about it. I have been doing what I can to stay too busy to be sucked into the trap of unhealthy thinking. I honestly don't know how well that has worked out today. I've gotten a little bit more knit on this scarf I'm making and I got at least two pages written on the manuscript. It was, however, difficult work to get either done.

You're right, by the way, and I'll publicly admit it, I have been too hard on myself. I am not doing very good with the whole self-compassion thing. It's exhausting and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Yeah, I know, it's counter-productive to put things in those terms but it was the best I could think of right now. I apologize for not having enough faith in myself and getting snippy when you encourage me. It's really a thoughtless thing to argue with someone when they're just trying to get you to see the positive side of things. I apologize for that.

You've said it several times over the last week that you're furious with the people who hamstrung my confidence in my writing. I was thinking about this after you said it again earlier this evening. I suppose I never really thought to take the perspective that my difficulties were learned. I'm not talking about glaring typos and grammatical nightmares. Those are all me when I get sloppy about things, I own that. But the idea that what I write simply isn't good enough for anyone to see and that I don't have the stuff (skills/knowledge/authority/whatever) to write about given topics... I never considered that this was something I learned.

Now, however, as I look back, I can point at some people in formative years who made a point of telling me how badly I was doing things (even when I did them right, they found something to criticize) and insisting that I had no legitimate talent. I thought about it this evening and I am of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I suppose the first step to resolving the problem is recognizing there is one and what the signs of its presence are. On the other hand, this shift in my personal narrative makes me very uncomfortable.

And I'm pretty angry about the fact that I'm uncomfortable with shifting my personal narrative to more positive terrain. I don't know what I'm going to do with that anger. I may just go ahead and do some artwork. Knitting isn't exactly good for anger unless I'm so angry I need something to hyper-focus on to avoid tearing someone's head bodily off their shoulders. I'm going to do my best to get through the squicky feels about doing artwork from a place of anger. You're right, after all, what ever I put down on the canvas or paper can't harm me. In some respects, it's literally binding that thoughtform to the physical object and reducing its sway over me.

I also really should have that conversation with Odin. My avoiding him really isn't doing any good and I suspect if I keep it up any longer he's going to come to me and start the conversation. And he probably won't be in a good mood when that happens. Irritating Odin is pretty big on my DO NOT DO list.

I guess I had more to say then I thought I did. Thank you for being so patient with me. And thank you for getting so angry and outraged on my behalf when the bad stuff from the past pops up. It validates me and I don't have word to express how much that means to me. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Who knows, maybe it will be a good brain day. I kinda needed because I've got to go out of the house and do stuff tomorrow. Ah well, I won't whine about it because that doesn't change anything. Thank you again.

Love and Gratitude,
Me

Rough day for writing.

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonable temps

snowpack depth unchanged.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I spent my day working on my newest manuscripts. Yes, I have wound up working on two books at the same time. I have a deadline for the first but not for the second. I have been feeling pretty low about my writing and if I'm qualified enough to write these books. To say that Loki has been opinionated about this is to make an understatement like saying the Sun is a little bit warm.

Loki is spitting mad about the people who 'hamstrung' my confidence in my writing and mystic stuff. When he hasn't been muttering in norse (which sounds shockingly disturbing when said rapidly in a half snarl by a deity that is furious), he has been poking me to keep writing when I have been wanting to give up on this project. It's a comforting but awkward thing for me to have him so angry on my behalf. He's a bit calmer now but earlier today he was very upset. I turned my music up kinda loud to drowned out the sound of his swearing.

My mood has been all down and angry for a while now. I know I'm in a depressive episode. It has been a rough ride and I'm angry with the fact that I'm even dealing with this right now. The more depressed I feel, the angrier I get. Unfortunately, that anger isn't solving anything. It's just making me short tempered and giving me heartburn. Freyr's right, I really do need to calm down over this. But the anger just keeps coming back. I found it kinda amusing that the moon is void of course on a day that I'm having a difficult time with my mood and stuff. I'm half tempted to see if my mood cycling matches up with lunar stuff. But that's just the geek in me coming out.

The Filianic daybook is slowly coming along. I'm almost finished with the second month's worth of meditations. At the same time, I am writing down my visions, meditations, and spiritually moved recitations. I feel like an enormous fraud to be referencing my own work here. Still, it is what I have to work with.

TPE: Divinities

Old Wolf Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Just above freezing, partly cloudy,

snow total around 4 in

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I am a polytheist. I believe in many gods. I worship many gods. I am involved with many gods. Some of what I do looks like a study in paradox. I believe and work with a goddess of a monotheistic religion. At the same time, I believe and work with the gods of the Nordic pantheon. And I have passing interactions with deities from pantheons that I don't generally involve myself in. (At times, those interactions I try desperately to avoid but get boxed in on that front. And I'm looking at you, the lwa. I know you've got eyes on me. Here's your public acknowledgement, as I agreed not long ago to do.)

Some may think that my involvement with a deity of a monotheistic religion would negate the polytheism. That makes the mistake of assuming that only one religion is correct. As strange as this might sound, all religions are correct. So, is Ragnaroc going to happen? Yep, so is Armageddon and a laundry list of other things. They all manifest differently. The upheaval you see in the world is partly due to that manifestation. (Oh, on the point of doomsday scenarios, they have happened, are happening, and will be happening all at the same time. Because gods experience time differently then we do. So, all of the endings are happening at the same time as all of the beginnings. And all the stuff in the middle still happens to.) 

We can't constrain the gods to human perspectives. This would lessen them and reduce their stature to projections of ourselves. I'm not saying that archetypes are not important and useful. And I'm not saying that there are not large scale projections of ourselves out there. (Look up egregores and you can get an interesting view on how that little trick works.) But gods go beyond the level of egregores. Egregores are limited in what they do. They operate on the basis of how they are programmed. Gods, on the other hand, are like cats and will do what ever they damn well please, regardless for how humanity wants it to go.

They are intelligent, sentient forces that create, sustain, enliven, control, and destroy universes. To some extent, our universe is a single thing. But we must acknowledge that there is an aspect of the universe that is accessible only for the individual. My experience of the universe is different from your experience of the universe, which is different from the experience of someone ten thousand miles away. And all these experiences are different from that of a blade of grass, an animal, or protozoa. And if you are an animist, there is the myriad of things traditionally considered not to be alive by Western thought (this tradition going back to the Enlightenment, if not a bit earlier) that have their own experience of reality. Somewhere, in the midst of all this soup of experience, gods move through it all. 

And the 'truth' of reality and its relationship to deities is a murky thing to puzzle out because we have no way of knowing all the information on our side of the relationship, let alone begin to comprehend anything of the deities and their side of the relationship. It is a mystery. Some people get afraid when this mystery is pointed out. I find comfort in it. It tells me that somewhere in the universe, there is a meaning to what happens that goes beyond pure causality. Given that my experience with deities has been generally positive, I am inclined to think that meaning is something positive.

TPE Week 2: Personal Practice

Share your favorite spiritual/magickal practices. What tools are incorporated into your daily practice? What feeds you and replenishes you?

I have a love for divination. I always learn something new each session. While I enjoy the luxury of having someone else divine for me, I also deeply enjoy the practice of doing so myself. I have a wide range of divination tools that I use but my most frequent tool of late has been my rune set. Now, my primary tool for divination for others has been a tarot deck (and I have 11 to choose from because they're all so pretty) but I have been using runes more for other people as well.

I also deeply enjoy spiritual practices that connect me with the gods. I regularly burn candles for them and when I have the opportunity I burn incense as well. I pray daily and meditate often. To be honest, daily doesn't do justice to how often I communicate with the gods. But, my practices tend towards attempting to make every act a prayer, no matter how small and common it seems.

Prayer and ritual gestures such as the lighting of candles give me a deep sense of connection and stability. I find that it supports me through the times of difficulty and gives me a means to share my joys even when I lack the words to do so.

TPE: Post 1 (2nd attempt)

Well, I clearly did not pay enough attention to how things are going with The Pagan Experience Project.  As such, I am now going to do the post for week 1 again. This time keeping with the theme for the week.
~*~*~*~*~*~

TPE Wk 1: Resolutions

1. To write more in my Book of Shadows (I'm still catching up on material from last July.)
2. To write more on my blogs (here and Veiled Witch)
3. To be more active in my efforts to grow socially (social phobia is awful.)
4. Finish the daybook manuscript before Moura.
5. Become more active with magic and rituals again

Letters to Loki #8 - Last night.

Hello there Commander Insanity,

I am still a bit annoyed with how last night went but I admit that I do see the humor in it all. I suppose that I was being a bit to rigid in refusing the apologize to my stuffed bear for using it to hit my husband. I still maintain that I had no reason to apologize to an inanimate object. You and Beloved, however were of one mind on that front.

It was when you both agreed that a pillow would have been fine as an impromptu smiting tool because apparently that is clearly an inanimate object that things crossed the line from goofball to insane. I think you could have made your point with out it. I wound up laughing and hurting my ribs because of it. I'm still smirking over it, but I am a wee bit annoyed with that whole business.

I will confess, you are right when you say that my pride is a cold comfort on a winter's night. I get the message, I need to stop being so damn proud and accept that I am allowed help when I need it. And that I need to stop being so damn proud and be willing to make a fool of my self for the sake of humor. I really do. I just wish that it could have been done with out making my ribs hurt more.

They're still aching from the laughter last night. Any one who says that you don't use humor as a weapon doesn't know you very well. Also, I think I can never hear the phrase 'kiss the dwarf' with out snickering now. Oh, one last thing, the next time you send me a dream of zombies please don't show up as one. That was just too damn weird. (Of course this request probably means I will be having that dream for the next week.)

Still snickering at it all,
Me

The Pagan Experience Project: Post 1

Old Wolf Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Bitter cold, clear skies

approx. 4 in snow on ground

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have decided to participate in the Pagan Experience Project. It was nice to learn that this was taking up the void left when the Pagan Blog Project ceased at the end of last year. I will be striving to stay on top of this and write at least once per week on here. 

I have made a little change to how I am posting the initial information on my blog here. Because it is winter and some may be curious, I am going to start tracking what the total snow fall is when I post. I confess, I am a little bit of a weather geek but this motivation to track the weather and such at the beginning of my posts is actually rooted in something that I learned a few years back. Apparently during the Colonial era of the United States, it was found to be quite common that people began their journal entries with a quick note about the weather conditions. This is a nod to my ancestors from this era of history.

Like the Pagan Blog Project, I believe I am going to work my way through the alphabet. I am honestly cheating with this first post. Because my reasoning is A is for Announcement is just flat out silly. Still, this is what I am doing for this first post. I will still be posting my weekly letters to Loki. Recovering from some illness, I found that I didn't get as much done as I wanted to over the last few weeks. Sadly, I think this means I forgot to post a letter to Loki last week. I know it is part of the reason why I forgot to post this week's letter yesterday.

Still, I am going to post that next, so I think this covers that base. I may or may not make that letter do double duty and have it be my second 'A' themed post. I'm undecided.

Rant re: Your Native American Totem meme

Waning Wolf Moon (Age:  18 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: bitter cold, lake effect snow

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I've seen this meme flying around Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is on other social media platforms too. It is a click-quiz that proposes to determine what your "Native American Totem" is. I've seen several variations of this meme over the last few years (if not longer) and I am rapidly hitting a point where I want to poke people with a stick for posting it. I recognize that all things Native American are popular in fashion and pop culture right now. Their version of Native American chic is a repulsive lampooning of these dignified cultures and should be rejected.

I can understand if someone who is fairly new to the idea of animal spirit guides latches on to the idea that the Native Americans know more about it then the rest of us. It is intimidating to start researching spirit guides, especially when you come at it from an angle that doesn't seem to have much going on from your background (for example Asatru doesn't really have an official line on animal spirit guides). It is tempting to use something from another background because it is 'ready made' and can theoretically be applied by most anyone with a minimal amount of research.

There is, however, a big problem with that. It is called cultural appropriation. This is when someone assumes elements from another culture into their own activities with out any sensitivity or consideration for the original source of the material. A fine example of this, with the Native American cultures, is the use of warbonnets as a fashion prop. For the cultures that warbonnets originate from (and by the way, the Native Americans have multiple cultures and its an idiot who thinks there is only one), a warbonnet is both formal military dress and military honors. Wearing a warbonnet as a fashion statement is like putting on a full formal USMC uniform with a bunch of ribbons and medals that you not only haven't earned but you're not even remotely attached to the USMC and wearing it. Sadly, however, there are people who feel that stealing things such as warbonnets and wearing them for fashion are appropriate because the cultures they are taking from are 'defeated.'

There is a lot wrong with the idea of stealing from another culture. It is even more offensive when you are doing so from one that has suffered mightily at the hands of the 'dominant' culture. It is rubbing salt into those old wounds after forcibly reopening them whilst denying that there is anything wrong with that behavior. It is utterly callous and disgusting to do so. Now, there are ways to borrow elements from another culture with out engaging in cultural appropriation. When the elements adopted are done so from a position of respect and scholarship, it makes it possible for the person adopting those elements to do so in a manner that honors the original culture.

Now, some people may be wondering if an animal spirit guide is the sole property of the Native American cultures. While the concept is heavily influenced by how scholars (both professional and hobbyist) interpret the concepts from Native American cultures, the modern take on animal spirit guides really has developed into something different and unique to our time. While it is tempting to say that these ideas are for the really serious modern shamans, the modern understanding of animal spirit guides is fairly accessible to most anyone. The people who apply the label 'Native American' to these concepts (which are what is pretty much always shown in these memes) do so out of an attempt to 'legitimize' the concept by associating it with an older culture and earlier era.

This, however, is not necessary. I have friends who are modern, urban shamans that work with animal guides all the time. They don't paint things in the terms of 'Native American' anything because they don't need to. What they are using works with out any need to 'legitimize' it. While they recognize that there are some common elements between the animal guides of Native American cultures, they own the fact that what they are working with is a product of our society and era, of our culture. And that is more then ok.

I just wish that more people took that approach, to be honest.

Letters to Loki # 7

Hey there Loki,

I'm not sure what I should write. I just learned that my great aunt Jackie died last night. I suppose I am in a bit of shock. I feel horrible for my great uncle Ed and my second cousins Eddie and Wayne. Also for Wayne's boys who have lost their grandmother. I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to make it out to Long Island for her services.

It upsets me to watch the fading and dying of my grandparent's generation. While I recognize that it was simply a matter of time, it still bothers me. They have lived through so much. I don't know if it is selfish and cruel of me to want them to hang on a bit longer. Down inside me, however, there is that little girl who wants to keep her whole family close. The passing of my great aunt just reminds me of how much of that dream has and is slipping out of my fingers.

I'd write more but I just don't have the words.

Dreamwalking whilst ill

Full Wolf Moon (Age 13 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Windy, thaw, rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the midst of my resting today, I went dreamwalking. I didn't intend to do it. Generally, when I am sick, I try to limit my expending of effort to recovery, even on the spiritual level. Still, as I was resting this afternoon, I went on a spirit journey.

I found myself in a corridor with white walls and lots of light. There were windows along the right hand wall that looked out over a garden. The corridor was more like a very large room then a hallway. It was like some kind of hospital with many beds situated by the windows. In the spiritual realms, I was just as sick as I am physically, which doesn't usually prove the case when I go dreamwalking but I think it was just a sign of how ill I felt. 

As I shuffled down this corridor in my scuffed up slippers, rumpled pajamas, and fluffy pink bathrobe, I noticed how the space was mostly empty. I got the impression that this place of healing was experiencing a temporary lull in occupancy. I walked to the bed at the end of the corridor that was nearest to a set of french doors that looked out onto the garden and sat down. I was impressed with how clean and tidy everything was there. It was like the image of an 1800s hospital ward, if it was empty and spotless.

As I sat there on the foot of that bed, I heard someone come into the corridor from a doorway back behind me. I looked over and saw Freyr walking with a diminutive woman. He towered over her. She was dressed like the archetypal image of a civil war era nurse. Honestly, she looked so much like the images of Clara Barton that I was impressed. She was dressed in white and had a starched white apron. Her salt and pepper gray hair was carefully caught up in a caul and pinned up quite elegantly. 

This 'nurse' had such an air of command about her that I could only think that she was the head nurse of the ward I was in. The nurse and Freyr were talking about something as they approached in a language that I didn't know. It sounded like a cross between gaelic and german. When they reached me, Freyr gave me a smile as the nurse gave me a stern look. She took my pulse and felt my neck. Then she made some sort of pronouncement before walking off. 

I was waking up as Freyr sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I woke up coughing and with the feeling that he was helping me sit up. I'm pretty sure that he brought me to this hospital-like place I went in my dream. I do not think it was mere coincidence that after this dream, as I woke up more fully, I started feeling better then I had been earlier in the day. I just wish that I could have understood what they said. I suspect that I will be dreaming of that place again tonight.

Letters to Loki # 6 - Have you seen my marbles?

Hey there Sly Fox,

It has been a wild ride over the last week. My mood has pretty much been all over the map. I'm still a little hypomanic but I think I'll actually get more then 4 hours of sleep tonight. The kids have been excited as all get out over their new LeapPad tablets. Beloved's parents bought them for 'em for Christmas. We set them up today and I've got to say, if I had known this was the key to getting them to stop pestering each other, I would have found a way to acquire them sooner.

I am relieved to report that the fingerless gloves I was concerned about actually did fit Beloved. I get nervous making stuff for him because I always tend to judge things a size too small. I was amused when you declared the pumpkin spice candle that Beloved gave me to be yours. I restrained the giggle but it was a bit of work. Now it seems to me that this candle is burning down faster then it should be by any rights. It makes me wonder if you have a hand in it.

I'm happy that you and Sigyn liked the snowflake ornaments that I made. I do agree with you, the one I made for you shouldn't be blocked out to look like a proper snowflake because it's pretty flipping awesome in it's pseudo-neuron look right now. I ran out of time and thread to make more for the others, but I was told that the desire to give the gift counted more then the gift itself.

In the midst of my hypomania, I have cleaned the house, put all the laundry away, entertained the kids, and gotten a bunch of writing done (despite my shortened attention span right now). My brain is starting to slow down some. I slept a little longer last night then I did the night before. I was up again around 5 but it's better then being up at 4 with only 3 hours of sleep. I'm trying to burn off some of that extra energy and I have been using it on my new kick spindle. The thing shimmies a little bit when I get it going real fast but that's my only complaint.  I haven't much spun up yet on it.

I did some carding earlier today. After I finish this batch of raspberry red merino-bamboo fiber, I'll get to the blue dyed wool. I think it's Bluefaced Leicester wool, but I'm not sure. The idea of that does make me giggle, however. I'd say more but I'm kinda having difficulty stringing thoughts together. I'll catch up with you later.

Letters to Loki #5 - Blessed Solstice!

Hey there Flamehair,

First things first, I want to say thank you to you for helping me not freak out when I went out and was social this weekend. With how much I have been struggling with even going out of the house, the help that I got in getting out the door, to the party, being there, and back home is deeply appreciated. I know I said thank you a few times now, but it was something absolutely huge and I can't really think of any other way to express my gratitude.

I also want to thank you for nudging things into our path that helped take some of the financial pressure off of us over the last week or so. Some things may have been minor nuisances that turned into big problems if it wasn't for that bit of help. And I am hopeful that we may be turning a proverbial corner with the end of the year in sight. A big part of that progress has come by way of your assistance, even when I was admittedly being a stubborn fool and refusing to ask for help.

I feel a little silly saying this, but I am finding myself a bit disappointed that there isn't snow on the ground right now. I never thought I would say those words but I have a few times now. It isn't so much that I want snow so that everything looks 'just right' for the holidays and more that I want my boys to get a chance to play in some before they go back to school in about two weeks. The cloudy skies kinda gets my hopes up and then nothing happens.

If Snowmageddon happens over the next little while, I wouldn't complain too much. I like the idea of Beloved having the day off to spend with us while the kids are on break from school. He's been having an awful hard time over the last half year. I keep asking him if there's anything I can do to help but there doesn't seem to be much beyond what I do to keep the house running and minding the kids. Of late, I've been thinking I should try doing readings on Keen again but I'm having a hard time getting past the waves of anxiety that roll over me at that thought.

The kids are getting excited for Christmas. While we don't celebrate it here, their grandparents do and people at school tend to hype up the idea. That said, they're also looking forward to a visit from Odin. My eldest keeps asking if he can see Sleipnir. The idea of a 'magic horsie' apparently has charmed him even more then the thought of flying reindeer. I figured you'd be pleased to hear that. I'm thinking that on the 24th, we'll toss a handful of oats out for Sleipnir. Other kids are throwing 'reindeer food' and I think that Sleipnir could use something to snack on too. After all, we're going to be putting out some cookies for Odin (the kids insisted on this).

I've something I'm going to make for you. I think you'll like it. While thread crochet is not my strongest suit, I suspect that this project will be forgiving enough for my perfectionism. I tried to find the candle wicks so that I could make one for Sigyn but the blasted things vanished on me. Then the wax I was going to use went missing. It makes me suspect that my craft room is one step away from gaining sentience and demanding food. I am, however, flexible and going to put my efforts into something else equally pleasant for her. Because she has a fondness for butterflies, I'm going to whip up something based off of that. To say the least, I will be kept busy over the next few days.

Thank you again for being so awesome. You are wonderful and I love you.

Amazement and ramblings.

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: seasonably cold, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I saw this post and my jaw hit the floor. I literally could not move for a few moments because I was stunned with amazement. After Rose and her circle (coven doesn't feel the right word, and neither does circle but I'm still to shocked to 'brain' right now) had taken me into their arms and done a powerful spell to address my fertility issues, Hlif appeared to me in a dream. She was holding an infant in one arm and a toddler by the hand.

She looked exactly as she does in this card. She said nothing, but put the infant in my arms and then had the toddler take my hand. The age gap between the children was three years. The infant was asleep, but the toddler had the same brilliant blue eyes that Snuggle Bug has. Several months later, my eldest son (aka Cuddle Bear) was conceived. Did I mention that the infant appeared to be a few months old when she placed him in my arms?

I forgot about that dream until I saw Galina's post about the new Hlif prayer card available for purchase. Then I saw the image of Hlif and the whole thing came flooding back to me.

I sat down at the computer to post some snark about one of my recently absent spiritual companions when I checked posts on Wordpress and saw that. It kinda overrode what I was initially thinking. My 'guide' Eathan's asshattery, however, has taken the edge off that shock. I have several 'guides' though I think spirit companion is a better term. One of them presents as a young man (approximately 17 years old, caucasian with red hair and your sterotypical high school football player's build) and he goes by the name Eathan. For the last half year, Eathan had been quiet and then I realized it wasn't that he was quiet but rather that he had gone off somewhere.

Now, I didn't think much of the matter. My spirit companions come and go by their own will. Over the last half year, I had been rather caught up in other stuff (well, closer to a year but anyways...) and I figured if they weren't actively poking me to make their presence known that they were either about and observing or off somewhere doing their own thing. For all I knew, one of them may have negotiated terms of incarnation. Now, who is it that I would have put money on that last concept? If you guessed Eathan, you are right. For a while, he was trying to talk me into allowing him to incarnate through me.

And by 'a while' I mean for several years. Stargazer at one point got sick of his attempts to have her ferry his side of the conversation for a few months which lead to her and him having words. That was when Eathan decided that she was the greatest thing to walk the earth and he basically attempted to woo her. Which he did with all the awkwardness of a young adult who didn't realize that the object of his affection was entirely indifferent to him and didn't realize that there were distinct challenges to being in a relationship where only one of you is corporeal. To say the least, Stargazer bore his efforts with the patience of a saint and enough snark to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Since Stargazer has transitioned from life into afterlife (shuffled off the mortal coil/died/etc. I still haven't found a comfortable way to say that my best friend is deceased.), Eathan decided to make the attempt to court her again.

When he vanished off of my proverbial radar, I figured one of three things happened.

1. Stargazer smacked him into another realm of existence for irritating her.
2. Eathan negotiated incarnation with someone and was on his way into this world.
3. He found someone else to moon over and was currently engaged in that.

Since his return this afternoon, he has done the following:

1. Insisted that all homemade bread is good bread, even if I say the loaf came out badly.
2. Declared that one is permitted to slurp the liquid portion of beef stew because it is not soup.
3. Done a bad imitation of Loki. (It was so bad that Lopt facepalmed and literally said "go away, kid, you bother me."
4. Annoyed my other spiritual companions to the point where they have vacated the premises for the moment.
5. Put out the candle I had burning on my altar (because he wanted to see if I would notice and if he could do it).

So, all in all, Eathan is back and being his typical self. This makes me wonder how things are going to go over the next little while. Eathan hasn't exactly been introduced to Freyr. If he manages to annoy Loki to the point where Loki decides he's going to go away for a little while, just how irritated is he going to make Freyr?

I also wonder if having Eathan back means that my life may be returning to some semblance of 'normal'. For a while now, things were pretty quiet on the psychic level. Enough so that I wasn't sure if something had changed within myself and I was having difficulties with my gifts. Now, however, I think the 'silence' is going to be filled up with Eathan causing mischief and the others trying to get a handle on him. I may find myself having to bind him to a rock and stick him in 'timeout' (aka the sock drawer) again if he gets too bad. I really don't want to have to do that, though. Last time it was really aggravating to hear him every time I opened the sock drawer.

Ramblings about Dreams

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Warm, humid, cloudy

(90% of last week's snow melted)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a little while but I still seem to be improving in the mental state department. The migraine last night persisted somewhat into the morning, necessitating a nap to get rid of the pain. As I slept, I dreamed that Freyr sat me down at this large wooden table. It looked like a trestle table made out of some sort of hardwood. The boards that made up the table top were wide and a dark color that spoke of years (if not longer) of use. The table itself was long enough to seat thirty people. We were sitting at the head of the table. Or should I say, I was sitting at the head of the table and Freyr was standing beside me, leaning against the table.

I don't really remember what the room looked like but I remember that it was warm and spacious. I some how knew that the weather outside of the building was bitterly cold, despite the fact that it was daylight. I just knew that there was snow on the ground and ice hanging from the trees outside, though I couldn't see out any windows, for the windows had curtains drawn across them and they were shuttered. I was sitting at the table dressed in the same horribly casual clothes that I have been wearing today (old sweats and an over sized sweater) and feeling like I didn't belong and that I was under dressed. Which was a bit silly as Freyr was dressed in jeans, a flannel, and hiking boots.

He didn't tell me to stay seated but I could tell by the look in his eye that he didn't want me to get up and wander off (though sitting in that seat made me *extremely* uncomfortable). Just as I was reaching the point where I couldn't stand it any longer, he finally said something. What he said was really simple, but pretty much everything I've been struggling with for the last few days, "Stay in your body." Now, it may sound strange to say that I have been struggling to stay 'embodied' but it has been part of what I've been dealing with because of my c-PTSD. Even in my dreams, I tend to disassociate myself from my physical sensations and play third party observer.

I really didn't want to do it. I felt over exposed and vulnerable. It didn't matter that it was a dream, that we were alone, or that the place we were in was safe. I still really wanted to 'check out' because of how unsafe I felt. As I was struggling with this, Freyr knelt down beside the chair and put his hands over mine. Where I had only vaguely felt the sensations of my clothes and sitting in the chair earlier, when his hands covered mine, it was as real as if it were happening when I was awake. A part of me screamed that I needed to pull my hands away from his and to push away the sensations. I sat there shaking from the effort it took not to do that.

After what felt like forever, he half stood up and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. Then I found myself in a different dream where I was struggling to make pancakes for a literal army. I kept getting angrier and angrier with each fouled up pancake. I was at the point of being ready to have a mini-meltdown over it when Loki walked in and took over the task of making pancakes. Again, I was struggling with the whole staying 'in' my body. Again, Freyr was there. In this one, he was standing behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me. I woke up with the sensation of being held and the confusing thought that I needed to make chocolate chip pancakes properly to really be worthy of anything.

I didn't give the dreams any thought until I read the last paragraph of this post. When I read it, I had the curious sensation of feeling like the world was reeling for a moment, for I could nearly swear it was something that Freyr had said to me at some point over the last several days word for word. I've been struggling with my dissociative symptoms for a little while now. With that comes the feeling like I don't matter, which makes me more prone to dissociate. It's a pretty vicious cycle.

I'm pretty sure that Freyr is going to keep working with me on this dissociation business. It's been the main symptom of trouble (aside from the nonsense that goes with bipolar and a touch of seasonal affective disorder). A part of me is scared that I'm not up for this. But I'm just going to do my best to stay body aware and stuff over the holidays (despite the stress). I may not feel like I'm worth it but Freyr is of the opinion that I am. (Probably with a laundry list of others, starting with Stargazer, to be honest.) We'll see what tonight's dreams bring me. At least it wasn't nightmares last night. That is progress right there.

Letters to Loki #4 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I am just spinning my wheels right now. This headache is making it kinda hard to think coherently right now. It's been a fairly busy day today. I am so thankful that Beloved got his holiday bonus and that the mother-in-law randomly gave us some cash. It helped to take what was turning into an awful situation and made it something bearable. Beloved is fairly sure that if we play our cards right, we can make our first payment of rent to the new landlord on time. That would be a very good thing. I don't want to start that off with a bad impression.

I was really anxious earlier in the day before Beloved told me about his bonus and putting it all in the bank. I put that anxiety to work cleaning and baking. I was going to make cookies but I wound up making a huge loaf of bread. I was surprised that you didn't want any. I guess the coffee and that apple beverage was more in line with what you were interested in today. I still don't think that apple beverage came out quite right. I'm going to try adding more apples in next time. I suspect that my apple-water ratio was too light on the apples. I may also go with a different kind of apple, like a Granny Smith.

If I can manage it, I might even be able to get the stuff to taste like apple pie. Speaking of apple pie, I found a recipe for 'apple pie moonshine' (where the moonshine is replaced with vodka). I am totally going to get the stuff and try it out next month. I keep hearing about Fireball whiskey and I'm considering getting a bottle. The other thing I am considering is getting a bottle of whiskey and infusing cinnamon in it myself. The reports that Fireball has antifreeze in it makes me a little uncomfortable with the thought of getting it.

I still have that bottle of peach-cinnamon liqueur in the fridge. Since I don't have a pie scented candle for you right now, I figured pie flavored booze would be a good stand in. The only thing stopping me from making a pie is the fact that I really have no idea how to make a pie crust from scratch, all of my attempts have been inedible. I don't want to subject you to that. Maybe I'll be able to find a way to manage to get a pie crust on the shopping list next Saturday. I've got pretty much everything except the crust to make pumpkin pie. I know how much you love that stuff.

I found my oil warmer today. If I can locate the nice scented oil, I'll try to do that up for you tomorrow. I put that stuff in a safe place and now I can't seem to locate it. This seems to be a habit of mine. It makes me question if putting things in a safe place is a good idea because I can't locate them until half a year later, if not longer.

I'm almost finished spinning the blue-green merino-silk blend. I was thinking about making something for Sigyn with it. I'm just not sure what I can do with that small amount of thread. I still need to ply the stuff, which makes the yardage go down significantly. I was thinking maybe attempting to make something lace but I honestly am stumped on what to make. Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's been too long since I've made something for her. I really want to do something special because she is pretty wonderful and deserves special things.

Speaking of wonderful, Freyr's been super affectionate today. When I wasn't stammering, I was torn between delight and the urge to hide. You'll be pleased, I resisted that urge (not that it would have worked out too well, anyways). When I am in a good mental space, I feel awed and amazed. Most of all, loved. And Freyr seems to agree with you that one can never have too much love in their life. He's been pointing out all these fantastic little details that I just kept missing over the last few weeks. For all the challenges that are in front of me, there are a lot of really fantastic things. One of them is you and your love and friendship.

Thank you for being in my corner, even when I am paranoid, whiny, and miserable. Thank you really doesn't begin to express it, but it's all I can come up with right now while my head feels like it's trying to decide if it is going to explode or not. Give my love to Sigyn. I hope that you two get to do something special over the next little while. You both deserve it.

Writer's Cramp & Stuff

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Seasonably cold, several inches of

snow on the ground, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~

I am thankful for the fact that Freyr kicked my butt into doing my writing today. I think I got more accomplished today then I have all week. I am pretty sure he was the reason why I was still up and moving about in the morning after Beloved went off to work, rather then collapsing on the couch and sleeping until eleven o'clock in the morning. I've been doing a lot of handwriting today. The typing is something of a relief.

I don't know how many words per minute I am writing but I think I managed about six pages in this notebook. It has been grueling work to write this manuscript. It is nonfiction and that makes things all that much harder. Add to it that I am reaching into my past and sorting out things with respect to past trauma, and it just gets a bit more difficult. It was, however, a welcome distraction from my current anxiety. I forgot how even writing about bad things helps me to step away from present worries.

Our financial life got interesting over the past few weeks. The car needed some work, there was the last of the holiday shopping last week, and some insanity with the former landlord that resulted in money being particularly tight. Thankfully, Beloved gets paid today. That will help things enormously. I don't know how things are going to go with the new landlord. I am hoping that it will be better then they had been with the one we had before. I am, however, a little nervous. 

The big snowfall that was projected for yesterday wasn't as bad as they had predicted. Still, I thought it would have been helpful if the parking lot was plowed. It wasn't. I am doing my best not to worry that this is a sign of things to come, but I confess I am a little nervous. I poured all of that nervous energy into my therapy journal today because I had to cancel my therapy session (car getting worked on and all). Freyr sat with me as I was writing. It helped because I kinda felt alone and upset at the time.

He's telling me that I can negotiate some concessions from the other gods with respect to offerings over the next few months as we try to rebuild a bit of a financial cushion. I feel sad that I am in this position. I felt badly about what I had been giving as offerings before now, to be honest. I felt like they weren't good enough. Commercially made candles and such just feels wrong to me. Loki, however, has revoked my snob privileges and told me that I shouldn't kick myself about the fact that I can't give them fancy beeswax candles and stuff.

Advent has thus far been interesting. I think I mentioned earlier this week that my in-laws randomly gave us a Yule tree. The timing of it kinda had me suspicious because earlier that day, I was feeling a bit sad about our lack of a 'real' tree. I'm pretty sure that Dea had a hand in our receiving a tree that was the perfect size to go in our living room and the timing of its arrival. The kids are getting excited about the idea of Odin coming on Yule. I am considering how to introduce them to Dea, as my eldest has taken a keen interest in the statuettes of Dea that I have on the altar.

On the whole, I feel like I'm not up to the task of teaching them about spirituality. Freyr tells me that I'll be fine. Loki grins and says he's got lots of ideas I can try (which almost always makes me wary because his ideas that are tossed out when he has that gleam in his eye usually turn ridiculous pretty fast). Dea just smiles benevolently. I think I'm just going to have to trust the gods to put the right words in my mouth when it comes to having these conversations. The boys are old enough now that they're getting interested in the spiritual aspect of the world.

Letters to Loki # 3

Hail He who is best loved by the Lady of Victory,

I am torn between wanting the holiday season to just be over right now and grudgingly enjoying it. I have two things left to make and then I'll be on to the wrapping phase of Yule gifts. The kids have been bouncing around alternating between excited chatterings about Santa and talking about what they hope Odin is bringing them for Yule. I am envious of their glee. I can't seem to find it in me to be excited over this because I'm worrying about grown up stuff, like the damn bills and what not.

We now have a Yule tree. We're going to be decorating it this afternoon. I am hopeful that the kids will behave fairly well about the tree this year. It is as though we have two cats who stare at the shiny object and decide they must murder it. I am hoping that they'll resist the urge to get into ALL of the ornaments long enough for the tree to be up and pretty for a little while.

I feel a little guilty listening to Christian carols. I just enjoy some of them a great deal. My two favorites are God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings. I kinda wish there were some pagan yule carols that had the same delightful sound to them. As a former choir geek, I kinda miss being able to sing these wonderful things and the soaring sensation of having my voice as part of a larger body that was singing.

It makes me sad that the financial difficulties are getting in the way of some of the nicer offerings I wanted to make. I wanted to get some lovely candles and some shiny things for you and the others. Unfortunately, I am stuck getting the inexpensive things from the big box store. If the money crunch gets any more intense, I may have to forgo scented candles and just burn tea lights for you.

A part of me says I should attempt doing readings on Keen again. Honestly, however, I am afraid to try it. I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to marketing. I don't really do a good job interacting with unfamiliar people. The last reading I did on Keen didn't go that well and the one before it was pretty bad (for me). I am somewhat gunshy on that front. I don't know what to do. I hung up my hat when it came to Etsy. I realized that I wasn't producing enough material fast enough to justify that project. And I encountered the whole marketing thing that made me so anxious I was feeling pretty sick.

It is looking like I may not get my student loan debt forgiven. I don't know where we're going to find the funds to manage that and everything else. I am trying really hard not to perseverate over money. It was just really rough to check the bank account today and discover that we had much less then I anticipated. I was talking with my new psychiatrist about how I get really anxious over money stuff before I start getting depressed. She said I should keep an eye on that.

I don't know if my anxiety about money right now is because of the fact that things are financially challenging or if it is my sliding into a depressive episode. I really don't want to deal with a depressive episode right now. I have stuff I want to do and places I want to go. I get so angry at the mood swings. More should I say, with the depressive episodes. I am at a loss for what to do about the depressive episodes and how they suck the life right out of me.

I have started work on putting together a little kit to help me when things get really bad but I feel kinda foolish for doing it. I know that I should put my pride on the backburner for the time being and just focus on what gets results. I still find myself thinking that other people don't need this kind of supports for functioning. My therapist is of the mind that this line of thinking is partly the result of my not having enough social interaction. She's probably right. I have no idea how to resolve that.

I seem to be running into creative walls each time I turn around these last few days. It's really frustrating. If you could point me in a direction where I'm not going to hit the walls of this proverbial maze I'm in, that'd be great. Because it feels really stupid to be stumbling around like this over daily things.

My last few letters have been really cranky and depressed. I apologize for that. I started out intending for this to be happier and then it devolved. I won't delete it but I wanted to end with an apology for this negative tone. I know that if I force happiness it's just going to be a bad result. So, I'm keeping things real. But I feel kinda guilty for the down cast feelings and bitchiness. I'll be making cookies later. I'll give you the first of the batch. I know you love chocolate.