Components gathered. Phase One complete.

Waxing Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 10 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Cool, overcast, intermittent rain

Drought status: D0

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Initially, I thought I was going to make a poppet for this ritual. In the end, I simply didn't have the spoons for it. I had spent so much energy and effort on making things to calm my nerves (preemie hats and scarves for charity) that I just didn't have the capacity to plan and craft a doll. I wound up buying a small doll for the ritual. It is a Belle doll from Disney. I confess, I am not thrilled with the doll being covered in glitter on one portion of it, but I am debating repainting it anyways. 

Aside from the doll, I realized I was going to need some manner of basket or container for the doll to stay in. I have a wide collection of glass jars and similar containers. I think, however, I'm going to use a shoe box or a slightly smaller cardboard box to make a spirit house for my egregore to reside in. If the doll was thinner, I'd use a tin but the dimensions are all wrong. Either way, the spirit residence is going to be in a location where the children can not play with it.

It's purpose is to help me process emotional childhood trauma. I'm waiting for the waning phase of the moon to begin the real work on this level. It's going to be one week a month between now and autumn. My goal is to create more stability in my sense of self and a greater awareness of my safety in the present. The doll is going to house this helper egregore and serve to watch over my therapy efforts.

My hope is that between my pen and paper therapy work and magical shadow work, I can achieve a greater sense of stability and lessen the depth of the depression that comes when memories arise from the depths of my psyche. This experiment, if successful, will be reapplied towards my rage oriented shadow self. There's a great deal of pain there that needs to be healed. Since I don't have a therapist to oversee all of this work, I am drawing off of the shadow work techniques I am familiar with and the therapy history that I have.

When it is during the waning moon, I'm going to be making art because that seems to be how the deeper levels of myself are more comfortable communicating. The job of the egregore is going to be to facilitate communication between these parts of myself and my conscious mind. T-3 days to the empowerment of the egregore.

An experiment in Shadow Work

Waxing gibbous Milk Moon (Age: 10 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Rainy, cool, light breezes

Drought status: 0

~*~*~*~*~*~

I picked up a doll to represent myself in some shadow work. I am not happy with this thing. It has glitter on it. It isn't anything like the doll I was going to make but I just don't have the spoons to make the doll. But, I'm going to try to channel my anxiety into the doll and when I have anxiety issues talk to the doll to work through them.

Gods only know I'm going to look like a crazy woman. But, maybe I can make some forward progress in this mess that is my psychiatric health through a little shadow magic. The next step is going to be making masks for the different 'selves' I am trying to sort out. I'd do the paper mask but I need something more durable. Time for a run to the craft store.

My plan is to make the masks for these different pieces of my psyche and wear them as I write in a journal to facilitate expressing what is going on in my head. The journal work I have been doing is not going to well because I'm finding it hard to write due to depression. Maybe this artistic stuff will break through that wall and get me moving forward on this.

Taboo lifted, now what?

Waning Pink Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies

Drought status: none

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The taboo that I had on posting here has been lifted. I'm not sure what to write at the moment. I just know that Loki's deemed it a safe and proper time for me to begin posting here about the full weirdness of my spiritual life. And that Freyr agrees.

My relationships with them continues to deepen. I'm coming up out of a depressive episode followed by a mixed episode that were each a few months long. I don't know if this means that I'm going to be hypomanic soon or what. I am a bit gunshy about posting aggressively anywhere right now. I don't want the wackjobs out there to use my UPG to justify their horrible behaviors. It is bad enough that they're using the tenants of mainstream Asatru and heathenry to 'justify' their garbage behavior.

Loki assures me that I'm too small of a fish for people to go after right now. Social phobia insists that everything I am posting is going to bring down disaster on my head and shoulders. Again, the red head pats me on the shoulder, kisses the top of my head, and tells me I worry too much. This has become the standard response when I get anxious over 'silly' things.

I've been told that I'm not allowed to call the stuff I get anxious over 'stupid' unless they're legitimately stupid things. Turns out I don't get anxious over legitimately stupid things. I've been struggling to keep with this whole 'make yourself healthier' business. Stress has my blood sugar up. Doing yoga hasn't been big on my list of things to do because it's been painful. And I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

Shuffle-mancy strikes again as Lindsey Sterling's Something Wild starts playing. I've been told that I have been forgetting myself in my anxiety over everything. Loki and Freyr have been strongly encouraging me to do more for myself in my self-care. The things that make me feel like myself, like wearing a ton of jewelry and writing bad poetry are being encouraged. I am getting told how I should be taking a more positive look at my body. That last one is really hard. I feel like it's turned traitor with how it is having all of these issues with my cptsd, bipolar ii, seasonal affective disorder, and diabetes. I don't feel strong. I feel broken.

Loki and Freyr are both strongly opinionated on that matter. They tell me I need to change my frame of reference because I'm using an outdated mode to look at myself. Thus, they are all but throwing me into therapy of sorts. I can't find a therapist to work with but things keep coming up that push me to writing about my trauma and poor self image.

I've been pushed into making art again. I feel like it's awful, but they tell me to keep working. They tell me that I'm better than I think I am. So, I'm going to start posting up here the devotional art that I've been making. Like the thing above. I don't know where this is all going, but I trust them. I just don't trust myself not to fuck it up. I'm terrified of that. I don't want to screw everything up and have the nightmare of 2011 happen again.

Loki assures me that it won't. Freyr assures me it won't. Beloved assures me that it won't. I'm still afraid. But, they all tell me that doing the hard thing despite being afraid is courage.

[untitled]

I have been writing down my history as part of my Camp NaNoWriMo project. I'm realizing that I've taken a very weird path to get to where I am. I am a very bad example of what would make a good heathen. I'm a very bad example of what would make a good Wiccan. I'm a terrible example of what would make a good Filianist/Déanist. And yet, here I am writing Filianic prayers and rituals. Here I am teaching my kids about the gods of the Norse peoples. Here I am functioning with parts and pieces of the Wiccan ritual format.

Stargazer told me if I remained on the path I was on that I would be rewarded. I've been struggling to do that of late. Depressive episodes and mixed episodes have really cut into my faith and left me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and I should take down my altar. The fact that people at school are indoctrinating my children into Christian thought bothers me to a degree that I struggle to put into words. I don't know who is doing it. But I want to personally kick their ass up around their ears.

I haven't yet heard the boys talking about how they are afraid that we're all going to go to hell. Mostly they've been hearing about how Jesus is a nice god. They've been hearing about the Christian holidays and getting excited about the idea of celebrating them. (They were not pleased when we didn't celebrate Easter like most of our neighbors complete with presents. They did get a small treat for Ostara and I gave them a gift back at the Equinox, but they didn't completely make the connection between the two.)

I'm struggling with the fact that I am trying to raise a couple of pagans with out a local community to support me in the process. This is depressing and exhausting. I look at what the homeschooling Christians are doing to educate their children in their spiritual development to get ideas for what I can take and use. It is not going so great. I don't have the resources to make workbooks and packets. I don't have a book of scriptures (because there are so many different myths you don't get just one book and finding kid friendly books of mythology is hard) so I can't sit there and do 'scripture study' with them.

I'm debating introducing them to Filianism because it is structurally similar to Christianity. I'm just not sure if that is a good idea. After all, my eldest has decided to be a devotee of Zeus and gods only know where I'm going to start on helping him build that relationship.

Dreams of late.

Waxing Egg/Pink moon (age 3 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: Seasonably mild
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been having dreams of my dead coming to me and trying to talk to me but something keeps getting in the way. Sometimes it is a wall of glass. Sometimes it is a river of roaring water. And sometimes I just can't hear them.

I am quite unhappy right now because I seem to have a number of things going off cockeyed. Stress over the last few months has made my blood sugar readings creep higher. My being unwell hasn't helped that any. I am depressed. It's been screwing up everything it seems.

I try to spirit journey and I hit a wall. Or should I say, I am surrounded by fog and I can't get through it, which I know represents my illness. It spring time. I should be past the seasonal affective disorder and on my way into a more productive period. And yet, here I am, depressed and not functioning very well.

I pray but it feels like I am talking to empty air right now. With someone else's voice.

I worry that my malaise will make its way into the things I am working up for charity and some how inflict unease upon the recipient. I am so tired of being sick.

Blog Reboot

I'm getting signs that I should reboot this blog and get back to posting on here. The storm hasn't passed yet but apparently I should start working on here again. Look for more details after the equinox. I'm going to be archiving past material, once I figure out how to do it. Blog format may be changing as well.

Going radio silent.

On this blog, that is.

As per the guidance of deities and the dead, I'll be shutting down this blog. The blog will continue in spirit via Veiled Witch.

I also want to add, they gave me a warning to share.

"You are being watched. You are all in danger. Keep to the shadows and move quickly. Your enemies are preparing to strike. But they can't hit a moving target in the dark. And they're standing in a spotlight, making them an EASY TARGET. Keep your heads down when necessary."

Shield up and push forward.

I knew this...

I knew this month was going to be bad. I had seen signs of it. Lots of them. I did not dream it would be this bad.

I am despondent with grief. Depression has been a beast for months.

I lack words. And so I pray. I am not even sure what I am praying for, only that I am praying. I don't even know which deity to turn to, all of them?

Book Review: The Catechism of the Catholic Church (Part 1)

Title: Catechisim of the Catholic Church
Editor: Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Publisher: Doubleday Date: 1995

Part one, Section II gives a resonable way to recognize other religions as spiritual kinfolk to Christianity and Catholicism. Note discussion in No. 32 of this section.

Question re: Pt. 1, Ch 1. Section 3 No. 38 -
Why is it not argued that God would reveal such knowledge to the faithful seeker's heart and mind? Wouldn't God do that? If you're truly interested in your faith, wouldn't you ask for divine guidance? Perhaps I'm not looking at it correctly.

Pt. 1, Ch. 3 Att. 1 Sec. 3 No. 155 -
"Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."
- Above statement derived from St. Thomas Aquinas
- All things revolve around truth.

Pt. 1 Ch 2 Sec 3 can be summarized thus:
The bible was written by man inspired and influenced by God. Must be read in proper context and with understanding of literary styles used.

pt 1 Ch 3 Art. 1 Sec 3 No159 -
Very interesting - "[...] methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific matter and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God [...]"

Following that is a discussion of freedom of faith. I.e.- faith in God must be freely given. Forced conversion is anethema. Conversion by example and education is correct.

Pt. 1 ch 3 art 1 sec 3 Nos. 163-5 -
Faith vs. dark night of soul; look to faith that has persevered during times of trial.

Pt 1 ch 3 art 2 No. 166-
"Faith is a personal act. [...] No one can believe alone; just as no one can live alone. [...] I can not believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith i help support others in the faith."
- look to the community of believers (the Church) for mutual support and companionship during the darknight of the soul.

Pt. 1 ch. 3 art 2 sec 2 no. 170 -
"We do not believe in formulas but in those realities they express, in which faith allows us to touch [...]"
- Tradition (dogma) is flexible. Earlier section in Pt. 1 Ch 2 says larger traditions of Church as a whole are guides to expression of local traditions therefore:
a. Regional traditions add to Church's flexibility
b. Regional traditions make Church more responsive to needs
c. Regional traditions make Church more accessible

This preserves the spirit of Catholicism as embodied during the house church era.

pt. 1 ch 3 art 2 sec 3 No 173-5
- look up St. Iranaeus of Lyons
"For through language differe through out the world, the context of the Tradition is one and the same. The Churches established in Germany have no other faith or Tradition, nor [...], nor those of the Celts, [...]" - does this prove my earlier argument?

Apostle's Creed = individual profession of faith
Nicene Creed = collective profession of faith

[Edited to remove copy of Apostle's Creed and Nicean Creed.]

- images pale with spiritual truth, God has no gender.
- Mary concieved with truth and honestly.
- Jesus was a man, Jeasus was the son of truth and honesty.
- Jesus, as a man suffered, experienced temptation, experienced despair & loss of faith (hell), pronounced dead, rose again and went to his followers.
- Jesus's spirit then acended to Heaven (nirvana, what ever the name of that place of truth) and is with God. Jesus's spirit will return to judge all.
How can Jesus be with us all the while and we failed to see it?

Pt. 1 Paragraph 3 Sec. 3 no. 555-6
Why did the Father will the suffering of the Son?
- suffering stated as a necessary component of life?
- daily life is holy
- all sinners responsible for crucifixion & passion thru hypocracy and defamation of the memory of Christ? hypocracy = relapse into sin?
- Jesus's murder was permitted, why? To bring about salvation; to restore a positive relationship with God?
- despair at Gesthame = assumption of sin?
- cross = Selepnir/Yggsidrall?
- suffering servant = humanity's champion?

pg. 164 paragraph 633, 645
hell = abode of the dead
"[...] For this reason the risen Jesus enjoys the soverign freedom of appearing as he wishes: in the guise of a gardener or other forms familiar to his deciples, precisely to awaken their faith."
- God is an independendly revealed experience. God appears to us in forms and way we can understand.
- Jesus willed his crucifixion?

[I paused in reading this to read the next text.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

I am clearly not a Catholic. At the time I was reading this and other Catholic texts, I was seriously contemplating converting. Messy story later, I remain a witch but have a deep appreciation for the technical elements of this faith. And some of that wisdom has influenced my own practices and considerations upon the matter of theology.

Book Review: The Joy of Praying the Rosary

Title: The Joy of Praying the Rosary
Author: Msgr. James M. McNamara
Publisher: Ressurection Press Date: 2003

Pg. 49 - The Kingdom of God is simply love.

Pg. 51 - Why are moments of feeling God's presence during prayer typically rare?

"One burden is the experience of trying to express to others what seems too ineffable for words." - True!

Pg. 52 "All is gift. All is grace. The only proper response to a gift is gratitude." - True!

- surrender = acceptance

- Did God have a choice regarding the Crucifixion?

Pg. 59 "Jesus suffered as expitation of our sins." Why did Jesus have to suffer?

Pg. 64 Why does/would Jesus love me?

Pg. 65 "[...] pray as you can, not as you can't and do not try to run faster then grace."

The suffering of humanity described on pg. 67 reminds me of the book of Job.

Pg. 70 "Only in God will we find true joy and lasting peace."

- This reminds me of Augustine's statement about the soul's longing for God.

Pg. 72 "[...] He [Jesus] gives his life through forgiveness. In the midst of His agony He speacks to His beloved Father: 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do [...]." - mercy & unconditional love?

Msgr. McNamara says Jesus quotes Psalm 22 in that statement. I should look that up.

Luke 24:5 - past vs present?

Pg. 84 lesson- let go past. Give it to God.

Pg. 87 "[...] let us pray for the gift of perserverance."
- Home is where love is.

[Edited to add: I still find myself deeply moved by this text. It may not be something that is of the faith that I practice, but there is a great deal of truth in it.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

NOTE: Some of my notes make sense to me today looking back on this. The rest I need to grab a copy of the book and read the context for it. I really should have done a better system for notation here.

Book review: The Cloud of Unknowing

Title: The Cloud of Unknowing
Author: Anonymous, 13th Cent.
Translator: [I failed to note this.]
Publisher: [I failed to note this.]
Date: [I failed to note this.]
I've started to read the Cloud of Unknowing. The historical context of this text has made for facinating reading, but a part of me wants to skip a head to the real text. I'm ging to finish reading this context setting preface, though. A lesson in patience is necessary if I am finding this fustrating. This preface is that lesson.

Grace is hidden in us all. Few learn to (or attempt to) uncover it from the mound of daily cares and falsehoods that creat a placid seeming life.

Carelessness as a part of sin? An interesting concept that isn't voiced much.

[Edited to add: I read this and the other texts on Christian theology as I was exploring Christianity and seriously considering conversion to that faith.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06 on LiveJournal

Note: I have a copy of this. I will be re-reading it and updating notes and such. But, here is the original book review/notes in their terrible spelling and equally awful editing. I found this book to be really useful. So, I'm going to be going over it again. This time, I will have all of the info for the book because I actually own it and I'm not borrowing it from the library.

Booted from the plane.

Waning Blue Sap Moon (Age: ???)

Sign: ???

Weather: Unseasonably cold, flurries with sun

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, a while back, my friend L. gave me a reading. I was cautioned that I needed to 'jump out of the plane or be booted out of it before it crashes' to paraphrase the entire reading. Since then, the theme of jump or be kicked off keeps popping up. 

I'm a hard headed idiot sometimes. The gods are not patient with hard headed idiots for very long. There were warnings that something was coming along. Then they gave me a very direct object lesson in the importance of self-care. So, I learned from that lesson. I had fawn's legs but I was starting back on the road to good health and proper self-care.

Then I got diagnosed last week with diabetes. It was a combo of jumping from the crashing plane of bad habits and getting booted out of it, because I'll confess that I faltered. I got scared that I was going to fuck up my healthy habits again, like I have pretty much every time my mood goes haywire (thanks bipolar, may Loki show you what he finds funny). The day I walked into the doctor's office was a harried day that I had missed doing my morning yoga and dropped a cup of coffee on the counter (didn't break the mug just covered the counter with coffee).

I'm scared but I'm doing my best. Hence why I am typing slowly due to fingers having been pricked for blood sugar testing multiple times over the last several days. I put a lot of effort today into not having stuff that is filled with carbohydrates. It seems a bitter irony that a godspouse of Freyr can't have carbohydrates. The gods, however, have their sense of humor and I'm sure will help me find something amusing in all of this.

Rambling prattling part 2

The last few months have been rough. I've lost track of things like moon phase and such. Hence my lack of notation of it in this post.

I've been struggling with feelings of connection with the gods. Then as I was writing in a journal, listening to the playlist I set up for them, they started talking back. It has persisted through other playlists and the radio. It's been weird but effective.

My blog of erotica has begun to turn into a record of exchanges between them and I in a place that is both mental and spiritual at the same time. A place that bridges the two realms (if not three or four because I type it and it becomes physical and digital). Things I have written half entranced that I come out of the experience with the queer sense that I was there and here at the same time.

N. Lokison, I think I am beginning to get it. It is both simple and not at the same time. Utterly bewildering and yet very familiar. I'm somehow in multiple places at the same time and doing different things at the same time, with my awareness needing to be focused on on them at different times.

Rambling brain prating.

Last Quarter Harvest Moon (Age: 21 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There were a ton spiders in my home. Most of them, I suspect, were baby brown recluse spiders. I'm honestly terrified of them. I had a bad experience once (didn't get bit but did get the hell scared out of me) and I developed something of a phobia. The time of the spider infestation was curious. Shortly before hand, a few days at best, I asked for help mastering my fears. My anxiety had been getting the better of me and I was handling it less than well. I'm pretty sure it was connected to the dreams that were total wtf as well. Dreams of things like being trapped in a burning house where I had to swim out of the attic on the spring bubbling up in it. Of visiting my brother in law's house (which doesn't exist) and getting trapped in there as I spotted a forest fire on the way and being unable to get out. And having everyone vanish in the time between looking out the window and turning around. That dream ended with waking up choking on smoke and Loki taking my hand saying "It isn't real. You're going to be fine."

NOTE: I had thought I posted this last month. I apparently was wrong. The spider thing is not as much of a problem now since we've had a few good cold snaps. I'm also making a point of getting rid of them as I find them. Spiders are fine outside, but I am not able to handle them indoors. Makes my skin crawl and I start to panic about being bitten and having limbs rot off. I'm told this is a fairly normal phobia. I don't enjoy it at all.

Dreams go wut?

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 7 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid

Drought status: None

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are dreams that you just look at and accept as random brain nattering. And then there are the ones where they have a theme that just won't go away. For about two weeks now, I keep having these surreal dreams where I am flipping things over. Some of them feature me on some kind of game show where I have to flip everything over to gain some kind of prize. And then there are ones like last night where I just keep flipping things over.

It ranges from a literal table flip to flipping a car over. (The car one was probably the most surreal moment. I flipped a Buick with my finger tips on my off hand. And it was like flipping over a popsicle stick. But it was one of the old school Buicks that were basically like a boat driving down the road.) They seem to correspond to my making some major changes in how I approach health things. Is flipping things in my dreams supposed to correlate to making changes in my life? I have no idea.

All I know is that this is not going away. And it feels like there's something more behind it. Divination is just something I haven't had time for. And approaching it from a dream analysis perspective says 'Yep, I'm making huge changes in my life about how I am approaching just about everything."

Dreams and thoughts.

Waxing Grain Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Seasonable, fair/partly cloudy skies

Flash Flood Warning

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My dreams over the last few weeks have been very vivid. I don't know if this is because of my hypomania or if it is something else. I do, however, think there is something more to them than the dreams just being random brain chatter.

I have been dreaming of snakes, spiders, and other sorts of animals/creatures that shed their skin. I am getting the distinct impression that I am about to go through or currently experiencing a time of transformation and self-renewal. I also get the impression that I must change or I am going to be unwell.

I am not entirely sure what this means. I mean, I understand that I need to change but I'm not entirely sure what areas I need to make changes in. I know that I am stalled in a few areas on making changes. My knees being difficult over the last few weeks because of the extra humid weather has made it challenging to get even my morning yoga exercises. Getting in a half hour walk is a bit harder because of the kids having summer school right now, but we are making regular trips to the park (we are walking despite the fact I have the car because I want that exercise for us). The intermittent rain over the last several days has made going to the park a less than ideal thing. Lightning makes me really not want to bring an umbrella or my cane (which is metal). Not being a lightning rod is good for my health, after all.

The thing that really threw me for a loop was Grandmother Spider showing up and then transforming into Loth. (If you've played D&D you may recognize that name. Because the Queen of Spiders is far reaching and a major player in almost any subterranean campaign.) Now, I know some would be taken aback by the idea of Grandmother Spider taking a guise of a well known evil character but I would like to kindly remind you that I tend to view 'evil' characters as ones who are outside the 'standard' moral perspective and should be considered upon their own merits. But, I think the biggest thing about the transformation, aside from being something that confused the hell out of me, was that the message that I needed to transform in a very large way that incorporates my core sense of self.

Along with a message about not being 'nice' all the time. That, however, touches on something that it a little bit too personal to share right now. But, it is clear that I need to be more aggressive about how I approach things and not worry about being the 'bad guy'. It is a big change from how I have been approaching life over the last several years, which has been mores passive and based in anxiety that standing up and saying something is dangerous for me.

So, that's something that's happened. I'm still working through it. (Minor side note, I also associate spiders with Loki. I'm not entirely sure where that started, only that they seem to walk on air and do their own thing. I have other reasons but my brain is not slowing down enough to let me get them out. (It's been making writing anything difficult because I'm playing catch up with myself.)

That moment when...

Waxing Gibbous Thunder Moon (Age: 14 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: humid, seasonable temps

Drought status: n/a

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last few weeks have been rough. As I find myself on more even footing, I am sitting here looking around at a loss for where to begin picking up all the threads left laying about when I was in the worst of the last depressive episode. It was daunting and, honestly, disheartening. Last night, I was feeling poorly about myself and frustrated with ALL THE THINGS.

As I was laying there glaring at the wall, Loki started to toy with my hair. At first I wasn't focused enough to realize it was him. I just felt my hair getting moved about and the feeling of something moving against my scalp. This was making my skin crawl because earlier I saw ants running around in the bathroom and I was envisioning ants running over my head. I brushed my hand through my hair a few times and then I felt that strange static electricity feeling that comes when my hand touches his. (Envision a ball of static electricity that you pass your hand through. There is no shock, just that feeling of your skin being very sensitive and all the hairs on your skin standing up. Kinda like if you put your hand near a static ball. That's what it feels like, to me at least.)

I put my hand down and gave a sigh of just.. that combination of all of those feelings I was having. The sigh that goes with 'I am all out of fucks to give.' and 'What the fuck is going on here?' (all said with tired exasperation). Loki settled himself beside me and told me that I was being too serious. I grumpily responded with something, I don't remember what. But then Loki said to me something that I had been hearing from others on the spirit plane (I'm looking at you, Crow.).

"Why did you stop doing magic?"

I just lay there in silence. I wanted to reply with "I don't know." but I knew that it did not count as an answer. If I said the next thing that came to mind - I'm afraid. I don't think it works right anymore. - I knew that Loki was going to demand a better answer. Because feelings, while valid and important, are not entirely accurate for stating why something happened, at least not on this topic.

I don't remember my answer. I just remember Loki saying to me, "You need to have faith in yourself. You know this works. You have tons of evidence it works. You can't take the word of a liar seriously when they're lying to you about your truth. They don't know a damn thing about it." There was some awkward silence for a bit. And then he added the following:

Your lack of faith is because you were beaten for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were castigated for it.
Your lack of faith is because you were conditioned into it.
Your lack of faith is because you were wounded for it.
Strike a child, and they will fear the blow. Strike them for the same thing and over time that fear transfers to the thing. And what comes later is persistent fear and a hobbling. You are bound. Because you dared to stand up and have faith in yourself.

I'll be honest, having him say that was both validating and it hurt me. I tried to compensate for this by doing my best to ignore my hunger (as I had a small dinner out of an attempt to stick to a healthy diet). As this got more uncomfortable, Loki sighed and said "You're doing it again." I tried to argue with him that I couldn't go eat something then because I had brushed my teeth, because I needed to sleep, and some other thing that I can't quite recall. He shut those arguments down with one word, "Needs."

So, after I got up and had a snack of blueberries. I found myself suddenly feeling tired. Now, moments before, I was awake and anxious. After eating, I felt calm and sleepy. I wasn't even grumpy. I tried to will myself to go brush my teeth but that sense of exhaustion just got stronger. When I stretched out in bed, Loki said to me, "You are not disgusting. You are not worthless. Your life is not a mistake. You are competent and damn talented. You deserve love. And happiness. And your feelings and memories are valid." There was something else like that but I don't remember it because I fell asleep as he was speaking and rubbing my back.

But, Loki made a point last night of addressing some trauma issues that I had only recently realized were a problem. It all made sense. And it hurt. But, I think this is the hurt that comes with cleaning out an infection. I think it is going to lead to my getting healthier.

Aside from that, Loki today said to me 'Sit and spin.' and then started snickering. So I don't think he's upset with me, just upset with what happened to me and how much it has hindered me.

Ugh.

Waning Gibbous Rose Moon (Age: 18 Days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Cloudy, precip. expected later

Mild temps

~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't feel that great right now. My head hurts kinda bad, my body is generally just stiff and uncomfortable, and my lady bits are somewhere between hating me and indifferent to our mutual existence. I'm still depressed. It has made getting things done much harder.

But, I am making the attempt. A part of me says that it is going to do no good. Another part of me wants to bitch-smack the one saying terrible pessimistic things. It's a quiet conflict that happens in my head just about all the time in the background. When I'm depressed, the part that says horrible things to me is a bit louder. (And I know I am downplaying this, but I've been writing so much about feeling awful, I'm just tired of it.)

Loki has given me work to do. I'm trying to do it. But I'm not doing very well. At least, I feel like I'm not doing very well. He, however, says the fact that I am making the attempt is what is important. (This was after a few weeks of not making the attempt and him sending a bat at my head. As in, a literal little flying bat that got in the apartment and had me shrieking 'just go away' and 'leave me alone' as it kept swooping me. It was a fiasco to get it out, and it was acting strangely by doing things like attempting to land on me and crawling across the floor - and under my front door to get back into the apartment, it was alarming.)

I am exhausted. Today was a very ... uncomfortably warm day. I did some housework and stuff, but nothing too physically demanding because of my asthma acting up. I feel like a failure because I didn't get all the things done. I am trying not to indulge in that everything or nothing way of thinking. But it keeps tripping me up. I wish I was better. I wish that the bipolar just wasn't here. I wish that I could have my life back. I was going places, I was making things happen.

And then, one of my worst depressive episodes of all my life happened while I was pregnant. Which then turned into postpartum depression with psychosis. At which point, I was hospitalized and got the diagnosis of bipolar II. It was kinda a relief to know that I wasn't 'crazy' and that there actually was something going on for all those years that I was just told that I was being 'moody' and 'lazy'. But, between the BP, my cPTSD, and what feels like a metric ton of just my brain is broken now, I feel like there's no hope for me. I get afraid when I start feeling 'too good' that I'm going to launch into a manic episode and horrible things will happen. I don't know what horrible things would happen, but I'm afraid that they will happen.

I spend a lot of time depressed or numb. I'm sick of it. I want it to stop. Somedays I fear that it will only stop if I am dead. And, for maximum fail, my migraines are worse and slowly becoming more frequent. I look around and I ask, what did I do wrong to have all this happen to me? It is not a question of 'what gods did I make angry?' as much as, 'what are the things I've done to create this situation? how can I correct it? is correcting it even possible?'

Loki tells me I am taking the wrong perspective. He's likely to be right. I am just having a hard time seeing clearly now on multiple levels. And struggling with despair. I am doing my best not to let myself get sucked into that thinking but it is getting harder daily. I am scheduled to see my psychiatrist in a little over a week. I'd go sooner but he's completely booked. I struggle with the feelings that I have some how earned divine wrath versus I am just that much of a fuck up that I made myself sick like this. Both perspectives are wrong, I logically get that. But my emotions and bad brain chemistry are insisting otherwise.

I hate this.

Shout out to a reader.

Hey there N.!

I haven't posted your comments in an attempt to help you keep your privacy secure. I did appreciate them. They were a tremendous source of reassurance when you shared them. And when I have a bad day, I re-read them.

I hope you are well. ♥

Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.