Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonably cold

Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)

On 'black magic'

Waning Wolf Moon (Age 23 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Unseasonably warm, foggy

winter storm due in the next 48 hrs

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

Snow Pack: melted

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Here's some copy-pasta from a discussion thread I was involved in on Facebook. I will apologize, I am that annoying person who won't proofread their FB posts and will not capitalize aside from proper names.

magic is like a hammer. a hammer is morally neutral. it can be used to build a house, fashion toys for children, or help re-break a badly set bone so it can heal properly. it can also be used to break the windshield on some one's car, injure animals, and to murder someone. the question is how are you using it and what is your intent. because, that breaking the windshield on the car may be opening it so you can pull someone out before the cat catches fire, the animal may be livestock that is getting humanely killed so that someone may eat, and the person killed may be done so in self defense.

do i do things that are considered by the mainstream pagan community as 'dark' or 'left-hand path'? yes, and i wouldn't hesitate to do so again. i use my proverbial hammer judiciously and as i deem appopriate for the situation. because magic has such a strong potential to go awry if things are not executed properly, it is not my first choice in resolving situations. i hold it in reserve until things have reached a point where i have little other recourse. curses are not something to be undertaken lightly. (by the way the really popular healing spells to make cancer go away or for your viral illness go away are technically structured as curses. and blessings can be just as damaging and horrific, if not more so. look at that old 'interesting times' one for a good example.)

there are times, however, where i had to use a curse. if you are careful and deliberate about how you structure it and the methodology you use to enact it, that 3x blow back thing is less of a concern. it is important to remember in what ever form of spell craft you engage in that you are going to be working with or against laws of physics and such. thus, to make a spell effective, you must over come the inertia of the situation (commonly referred to as 'raising energy') and you must be prepared to handle the reciprocal effects in your direction from what you initiate (all actions have an equal and opposite reaction unless acted upon by an outside force).

addendum: the 3x return thing is in most cases not a literal i do something nice for someone and somethign amazing happens for me. the incidences i have observed of things coming back with interest i can count on one hand and i've been practicing magic in some shape for over thirty years now. it is more like pushing on a pendulum. it will swing back with force equal to what you put into it. a lot of people don't realize, however, just the amount of force they put behind that push.

Vision.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid

moderate rain showers

Drought status: D 0 (unusually dry)

Snow pack: melted

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I was briefly viewing the footage from the protesting happening in DC today, I was struck by something that was chilling. It was a single, brief thing. But, something deep inside me noted it.

Protesters who were not violently engaged and members of the press were fired on with tear gas and other 'non-lethal' projectiles. The people firing were aiming at clusters of people, regardless if they were in a threatening position. While the press is reporting that this happened towards strictly only the people who were throwing things at the police and national guard, the video footage that I was watching (that was real time and unedited) showed that they were also taking aim at people who were simply standing with their hands raised in the universal gesture of surrender and at members of the press.

The vision was fleeting, but I saw a large man (perhaps impossibly large) beaten to the ground by a mob. This was entirely contrary to what was happening. The vision took place in a location with little to no vegetation. It looked like a field of pure ice. This man looked at me. He reached a hand towards me, his expression one of pure terror.

Some would read this as a sign that the people will throw off their oppressors, etc.

It was not what I got out of this. This man had the look of a soldier who had been in harsh battles and was attempting to stand against a mob that was threatening others. Thus, he moved forward with the expectation of his experience and size would be enough to curtail would be attacks.

He, however, was not successful. Because the others just didn't stop coming.

Their faces were masks of rage. They looked almost bestial in their expressions, but it was that queer, unique quality that can be seen only in human faces. All the worst traits of simian expressions of wrath, sans the disturbing teeth to add to it.

They were NOT the oppressed. They were the ones that the man tried to stop. He was not violent. Even as they assailed him, he was doing his best not to harm them. And he was deeply afraid.

I don't know who the man was. But he needs help. And the ones he is protecting need it as well.

Do the Work.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 21 Days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Cool (average temp is near freezing)

Cloudy with rain expected later
Snow Pack: Melted

Drought Status: D0 - Abnormally Dry

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The last week has been exhausting because of all this work to change myself. It was especially challenging to get into the physical activity. Beloved has taken matters in hand and been helping me stay on task. He's helped me put together a list of weekly and daily tasks. He's also helping me stay accountable. I've been struggling with the nonsense thoughts that I should be accomplishing all of this on my own and that it is some how wrong for me to need help. Also, the thoughts that I am somehow wrong for my kinky inclinations and such.

Ingvi said to me earlier while I was coming back from my walk (with weights, it was tiring) that I needed to stop worrying about what was 'right' and look at what it is I need and what it is that actually works for me. It was a ... gentle reminder that needs trump opinions. I am beginning to think I need to make a post it note or something and post it where I see it every day. I was feeling upset that I am not doing any 'work' right now.

This got me a droll look. As Ingvi looked at me as though I said something completely foolish, Loki piped up. He said in a tone of pure sarcasm, "Because completely changing your life to become healthy is just a new hobby, right?" I was half tempted to fire back with my own sarcasm but... well, I know that I can't win a battle of words with the Lie-Smith. He's just too damn good at it. (Sometimes I try for funsies, but it's pretty clear that he is feeding me enough rope to hang myself. It's all in good fun. Because he thinks its funny to watch me try to get in a few good licks while he basically holds me at arms length and lets me swing at the air, all for the sake of amusement. We have an odd relationship.)

I was meditating earlier. Ingvi sat down beside me on the couch. (It is always a bit odd when you feel someone sit down beside you, complete with the couch cushions shifting, but there is no one physically there.) He said to me, "Before you can help anyone else, you need to take care of yourself. Put on your oxygen mask first, et cetera, et cetera. The Work you feel called to do, it flows out of your own health. How can She direct you when you are not well enough to hear her? How can She guide you when you are not well enough to act on your own?"

I was somewhat upset with that last point. As it started to shake me out of my light trance, he set a hand on my knee. (The mild ache that I had from walking just vanished when he did it. It was pretty nice.) He said to me, "You are a fighter. You are stubborn. Put that to work for you, not against you. You are still at the beginning. Learn to walk before you run. You've been injured, you must heal your injury before you can do more. Be patient. I know you can be. Do so, for me."

So, apparently this effort to get myself healthier as the Work I must focus on right now.

Push Forward.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Cold, cloudy
Snow Pack: > 1 in
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry (DS 1)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been working hard to do all those healthy things. Eating healthy, getting enough water, and getting exercise has been probably the easier part of it all. It is the managing the mental health stuff that has been hard. When I get upset and feel like I am just going to fail, so why bother trying, Ingvi gives me a rather stern look. Thus, I continue to make the effort, even though I may grumble some. Because I don't want to disappoint him.

I was really struggling yesterday. As I was sitting at the table working on updating my mental health journal and I noticed that I didn't get all of my check boxes marked for the day, I was discouraged. As I sat there looking down at my notebook with despair, he walked up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder. I could feel him leaning over me to look at the notebook. He then said to me, "It is not good enough? Why?"

I answered that it was never good enough, sounding utterly miserable. That is when Loki piped up from the other room "What have I said about opinions?" At which point I just kinda sighed. I caught Freyr waving a hand at Loki. I think he was about to have more to say, I'm not sure. But, Freyr wrapped an arm around me before setting his cheek against mine.

He said very quietly, "You're tired. You never look kindly at yourself when you are tired. Let this be and go enjoy the company of your husband and rest." I felt badly about leaving my notes for the day incomplete. I don't think it was pure coincidence that my pen stopped working. So, after having some quality time with Beloved and talking about all the garbage thoughts rattling around in my head, I fell asleep.

I don't remember my dreams except for one thing. I was trying to push forward through a very large pile of snow. It was literally deep enough that it came to the middle of my chest. I just knew that I had to go forward. I was exhausted but still trudging. As I was doing so, I some how could hear *someone* calling me from out ahead of me. Their voice kept getting lost in the wind. But I could hear a voice calling.

Struggling.

Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')

Wut?

Mentally drawing a blank on stuff like weather description and current lunar position/phase. It's been a long day. I hope that you will forgive me not posting that usual bit of detail.

I am working on making changes in my life. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am, however, exhausted and apprehensive. And I'm only 2 days into the new calendar year. I don't know if it is my cold and the stress of the last few weeks catching up with me or what. I just know that I don't feel well and I'm worried that I'm going to mess everything up.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. This makes me anxious. So, I'm trying to curb the mess and get things organized. Which is overwhelming, thus I am anxious. And I think I pushed myself too hard yesterday, which is why today I was so tired and mentally shot.

Why am I so bad at pacing myself? I want to do better. I'm afraid I am going to fail. And I don't know what to do about it.

And I'm mentally just spinning my wheels. All together not conducive to anything remotely like doing tarot readings or whatever.

Ingvi, Lord of Winter?

Full Cold Moon (Age: 16 Days)

Current Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Bitter cold, windy, some lake effect
Snow Pack Depth: 3 in, approx.

Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many people point to Freyr as the lord of spring and summer. I will confess, I was one of those people. Then life got interesting. Over the last few years, I am finding that things between him and I become more ... intense in the time of year from Samhain to Beltane. I was inclined to consider it my attention was drawn more to him because there was less stuff going on to distract me.

Now, I'm not entirely sure that assessment is correct. I have a feeling that there are people who are going to get offended with this. But, he is very strongly encouraging me to put this out there for others to take and consider. Freyr is a gentle god. But he is not always gentle. And he is not always what we would perceive as kind. He has kindness in him. I am not saying that is not there or that he is maliciously inclined. Woe betide the one who earns his anger. I've glimpsed his anger. It is fearsome. He is not one you should seek to intentionally cross or offend. He will simply destroy you. Consider it fortunate, Freyr is not quick to anger and the things that move him to it are not small matters. Things like the business of what is happening in Aleppo are what moves him to fury. People choosing to act inhumanely and with out regard for other lives, they are the ones he gets angry with. Failing to properly observe your devotional activities or act in proper ways, tends to get exasperation in my experience.

Right now, the weather is bitter. Depending on how the winds shift, we may have blizzard like conditions tonight at my home. The wind is blowing hard enough that it has nearly blown a partially filled bird feeder off of the branch it hangs on and we have a draft. It seems an odd time for Freyr to be so viscerally present right now in my awareness. And yet, he is here. His presence has a sharper edge to it than during the warmer months. I feel him with me in many ways. He smiles. It is a beautiful smile, but it makes me uneasy because he challenges me.

I was sitting here quietly panicking over the idea of dealing with some relatives that I do not have a very good relationship with. Suddenly, he was here. He said to me with a mixture of bemusement and confusion, "My brave, beautiful girl. Why don't you know how wonderful you are? Why don't you know how courageous you are? Who stole that from you?" It knocked me for a loop. All of this was on the heels of a health problem that forced me to seek help from others in situations that were, for me, humiliating. The act of sitting in the doctor's office in so much pain that I could not breathe properly and depending on my husband to help me figure out words to describe what was wrong was painful and difficult for me. It just got even more so as time went on, resulting in trips to the hospital for pain and a few rather terrifying incidents where I found myself even more dependent on others for help. And then, not five minutes after Beloved said to me, "Do you even know why you are apologizing?" and I realized with great grief that I was expecting emotional harm for being vulnerable from someone who has never and would never do so, the cause of all my pain was revealed and a solution was given.

I was shaken by Beloved's question. I was equally shaken by Ingvi's question earlier this evening. They say that in winter, he goes into the mound. Some say he goes into Hel's realm for a time. Others say different things. Either way, in winter, he comes to me. And he challenges me. The same one who pushes the plants to grow from tiny, hard seeds by cracking their painful, confining seed coat and drawing them up through the cold earth, he comes to me and breaks the hard shells of unhealthy thoughts and habits that surround me. He pushes me in a manner that is hard and unyielding. To the person looking from the outside, this seems uncharacteristic behavior of Freyr. Freyr is the gentle, golden god who pined for Gerda and was so distraught by love sickness he sent his friend as a go-between.

Ingvi, however, is also a lord of a fearsome host. It is my experience that he joins the Wild Hunt in their winter ride. He laughs and moves through it all with a fierce, if not possibly savage joy. In winter, he is the force of life that thrives despite the cold. He is also the one who keeps company with the dead and leads them forth when it is time to go a-hunting. Some people will be highly offended by this characterization of him. Some may say that I am not actually dealing with Freyr but an imposter. That may be their thought, but this is who I know him to be and how he has revealed himself to me.

And I love him in all his ways. Even when the lessons I am learning are painful. Because I know that he is leading me to healing and deeper love.

Wait, wut?

Waning Crescent Blood Moon (27 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Partly cloudy, some rain, cool
Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, at Loki's behest, I wrote a post wherein I directly named a being that I am uncomfortable naming this time of year. Then, I did my very best to make as much of an obvious disclaimer/warning for people not to try to play with said being. I gave him the side eye over this. He said, "Don't fear NAMES."

I have two things here that make me a bit ... bewildered. First, how did he manage to somehow speak in capital letters. It was the weirdest cross between visual psychic impression and auditory at the same time. I think this is just a case of Loki doing Loki things - namely throwing odd ball things into the mix to make me sit up and pay attention. (It gets pretty weird around here when I am head-blind.)

Second, I'm not sure why the emphasis upon not fearing names. I am pretty sure there is something more here than my reluctance to directly name one of the most fearsome terrifying spirits in my region. I mean the Wendigo is terrifying to a point where I'm even kinda uncomfortable typing it here. (I justify this by the fact that I did not say their name directly and there is a strike through it, thus obscuring the word/name somewhat. It does not make me more comfortable, though.) He has a point to this exercise and I can't quite grasp it.

Loki has been fairly chatty at odd moments over the last little while. Times when I don't expect it, like when I am in utter pain and desperately trying to concentrate on just breathing through it. He just showed up and started talking to me about how brave I was being and that it really was a much better thing to focus on breathing through the pain rather than holding my breath. He also helped me sleep by basically grabbing hold of me and dragging me down into unconsciousness whilst essentially throwing me in Freyr's direction as he goes "JUST TALK TO HIM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

The last bit sort of makes sense. I've been feeling self conscious and like I am an imposition upon Ingvi. As a result, I've been kinda very shy. I have gone into 'If I'm quiet enough, I won't get noticed and I won't be a problem for anyone.' mode. Loki's had enough of that shit. Thus the "NOW GO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE!" and such. Ingvi, for his part, seems somewhere between mildly annoyed and exasperated, with a dash of outrage that I feel this way (the outrage, however, is not directed at me but the situations that have taught me this coping mechanism).

Load the berth.

I'm all out of spoons right now. Please forgive my failure to note things like lunar phase, sign, and such. I am still unwell and in a lot of pain. As a result, it has made it difficult to think of much or get organized enough to do anything. I am frustrated and miserable. Also, I am anxious and terribly self conscious.

Earlier today, I was laying in bed trying to wait for my OTC medication to kick in for pain. I was perseverating on how much I was worried that I was an inconvenience and problem for Beloved. As I was sitting there quietly freaking out, Ingvi set a hand on my brow. He said to me, "What are you supposed to do with your panic when it is time to rest?" I just sort of mentally froze. I was too wrapped up in feeling badly and spiraling into panic to really get it.

He showed me an image from the dream where we first had this conversation sometime last year (I think). We were standing on a pier and his ship was moored on the left side. Beside me was a staggeringly large pile of boxes, trunks, and all other assorted forms of luggage. It represented everything from my daily worries about if the apartment was clean enough to my insecurities about how loveable I am to my even deeper issues. He picked up one of the boxes which was actually a wooden crate almost half as tall as I was. He walked over to the ship, stepped on board, and secured it in the hold. He then looked at me with a mild expression that was something between exasperation and ... I don't know, something I can't find a word for right now.

So, I began mentally boxing up my present anxieties and giving them to him. Boxes that seemed enormous and impossibly heavy, he lifted with all the ease that would come with a small box of tissues and set them in his ship. The hold did not fill up, as I worried it would. (That went into a box of its own - something that looked like an iron chest.) The ship did not seem weighted down for the cargo. To get me out of my solemness, Ingvi started whistling, singing, and generally being cheerful about it all. At one point, he actually began juggling boxes. That was what broke my very serious demeanor, by the way.

I felt myself moving into sleep as he took me by the hand and lead me to a place where I could rest with him. My pain was still present, but it did not cause me the emotional distress it was.

Burn it all down, child.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)
Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, clearing skies

Drought Status: Severe

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting here trying to process everything with respect to the election. Signs of fire and disaster leading up to last night really should have been listened to more on my part. I, honestly, hoped that Trump wasn't going to get the electoral votes to secure the presidency. I was wrong. I am upset. I am deeply disturbed. And, I am angry.

I turned to Loki and asked him what the everloving fuck was going on with this result. His response was initially a rather dry 'Indeed.' Then, after a pause, he said, "Don't ascribe human stupidity to divinity." Unlike the other times where I see humans doing human things that are particularly WTF, he was not amused. He sounded tired. A good number of the other folks I know who have an active devotional relationship with Loki have been getting the same results when they inquire the same thing. This leads me to believe this is most definitely an accurate assessment of his position.

As the anger is rising in me, I note with some dark humor that Trump's victory is on the anniversary of Kristallnacht. It is a date that lives in infamy, to be honest. I now question if we will witness our very own version of this infamy in the near future. Pitchforks and torches may be the only good investment right now as all the global markets drop precipitously on the heels of Trump's victory.

One may wonder what this has to do with the meme I posted at the head of this entry. I am quietly being encouraged to hold on to my anger. I'm finding myself exhorted by so many subtle points right now (and I am pointedly avoiding active participation on social media today, I have been working on my novel instead) to hone it and forge my anger into a weapon of resistance. So, I am in the process of deciding what to do.

Fire cures everything, right? If it isn't cured, you have not applied enough fire to the problem, right?

Anxiety + Worship = Inactivity.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, dry, seasonable temp.
Drought Status: Extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Damn my anxiety. I have been so afraid of doing something that will upset or offend any/everyone that I have been inactive on all fronts, even worship. My proverbial curling up in the fetal position, however, has not been ignored. I suppose this leads to a whole pile of uncomfortable feelings as a result. At night, Ingvi and Loki are with me. Sometimes both of them. sometimes one of them. But there is always someone with me, usually talking me out of laying there and panicking over the thought of falling asleep and having nightmares of the past.

I feel horribly guilty about the fact that I have lapsed in my devotional activities. I get so far as lighting a candle. Then I find myself quietly terrified that I'm not good enough, that I will somehow offend the gods, or that the things I was told when I was younger about the emptiness of prayer are all correct. At which point, I back away from the altar and try to occupy myself with something else that will chase those thoughts away. Usually, it's been looking at cat videos on the internet or knitting.

Loki is beginning to get exasperated with it all. When the fear hits the point where I simply can not bear it, he starts telling me things like the fact that I am even trying is a good sign. His response to my anxiety in the face of those things ranges from frustration to something akin to feeling as though he has been personally insulted. But, he hasn't said anything to indicate that I have insulted him. His anger is directed at the people who hurt me in the past. And it is disturbing to view, to be honest.

Ingvi has been quiet about it all. I am not sure how to handle that silence. Well, it is not complete silence. He's been doing things like reminding me to take my medications and eat when I am hungry. Basically helping me take care of myself. Because I haven't been sleeping well, he's been pointedly noting when I have the opportunity to rest during the day and firmly instructing me to do so.

He sings to me.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Unseasonably warm, partly cloudy skies

Drought status extreme.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was having a hard time sleeping again. Ingvi was with me. As I tried to sleep (with the assistance of bendaryl), I heard him singing quietly. He has done this other nights where I have a hard time sleeping. He just holds me and sings. I could remember the music of it, but never the words. Then I stumbled on to Storm Weather Shanty Choir via Spotify. Cue my amazement and surprise when I recognized this. 

For the curious, when he sings, his vocal range is exceptional. He can sing baritone easily as well as tenor. His falsetto is easily in soprano range. It really is amazing. I honestly don't think he has a vocal break.

Stumbling with Apples.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Overcast, stormy

Drought status: extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been unwell. I am taking measures to resolve this. My illness has cut into pretty much everything, which has me feeling frustrated and helpless. I was struggling with this when Ingvi came to me earlier today. At one point, I was literally stumbling over things and getting very angry with it all.  As I caught myself in an effort not to fall over my feet at the grocery store, Ingvi made a point of catching my eye. I looked over and he was standing beside a display of locally grown apples.

He set a hand upon some of them. The pile shifted a little bit. A woman who was in the process of picking some fruit out of a near by bin (that was not attached to the apple display) commented something tart about how the store did a bad job of rearranging everything and that she was pretty sure the apples were just going to fall everywhere. (She was in a sour mood over the fact that my local Walmart turned the fruit and vegetable display about 90 degrees and moved the bananas another 5 feet towards the bread. I don't know why she was so upset over this, because the arrangement made it easier to move the carts through it all but who knows. Sometimes people hate change.) This woman's muttered comment assured me that I was not seeing things, which made me feel a bit better about everything to be honest.

I casually walked over to the apples. Ingvi gave me a smile and said to me, "What do you and the apple trees have in common?" Then he vanished. I wandered around the store, forgetting his question not long after he posed it. This evening, it struck me what I had in common with the apple trees. Despite the adversity that has come up and made life difficult, I continue to grow and do what must be done. I continue to act in accordance with my nature, even though conditions have arisen that makes this difficult to do.

I may be stumbling, but I am still walking. The trees may be struggling, but there are still apples.

There is hope yet, so long as I do not give up.

The air smells of Fire.

New Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Hot, fair skies
Drought declared extreme by NWS

~*~*~*~*~*~

At first, the smell was strongly of cut wood. I didn't think overly much of it because I do live just down the road from a lumberyard. But it is after they have shut their doors for the night, a good number of hours. And none of my neighbors have been working on any sort of home improvement projects in the dark. No noise of tools or lights to illuminate their work. Nothing.

And then the smell changed. Now, the air smells of smoke and my eyes smart with it. I know some of the farmers about are burning the stubble from their fields after taking in their wheat. At the same time, those fields are to the east, the wind would blow that away from me.

I suspect this is an omen. And I fear it bodes ill.

Roses for Ingvi

Waning Buck Moon (Age 28 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Hot, humid
Still in Drought status

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wanted to do something special for Freyr. Today is Lammas, Chelanya, and Freyfaxi. I have dear friends who are holding rites to celebrate today. I didn't have the luxury of time for something extravagant. I found myself out running around getting things ready for the start of school in about a month and taking care of the stuff for summer school that is going on now. Not to mention the pile of stuff I needed to do for just housework and such (not finished by even half, to be honest). That, however, is not a bad thing.

This, the first of the harvest celebrations of the season, is for me a holy day of work. Thus, I spent my day at work and mindful of the blessings that I am currently reaping. I found it fitting that the field that I regularly pass on the way to drop Beloved off at work before I bring the boys to summer school was harvested today. Every day I passed it, I thought of Ingvi. Even as I worried about our drought and how the harvest was going to fare.

I bought him a bouquet of roses. They're yellow. In the Victorian practice of floriography, they mean friendship, joy, and jealousy. Generally, if the flowers are given inverted with the left hand, the negative meaning is the one conveyed. (I did not do so with these.) Also, a full bouquet is an expression of gratitude. I not only happily gave him the full bouquet as an expression of affection and joy in him. I also spent some time at work with my plants in his honor. 

This is something that has become a bit of a bonding time for the two of us during the course of an average week. I don't get nearly as much writing as I wanted to do done. But every week, I have to spend about an hour (actually longer in the outdoor growing season) tending plants. That makes for an hour that I spend exclusively focused upon him. Some people argue that I may be overgeneralizing the concept of Ingvi as the 'Greenman' of Wicca, but their gnosis is different from mine, which is different from someone else's.

Randomness.

This just flashed through my head earlier:

How far off the beaten path must we go to find sanctuary?

I don't think it was an idle thought. I think it was a question posed by the dead. I honestly don't know what the answer would be. Looking at the horror in the world, I question if there is truly a place of sanctuary.

Visions of Fire.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Drought, fair skies,

humid & hot

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It is hard for me to believe that two weeks ago, roughly, I had seen such things in the smoke of a fire. I watched as the smoke and flames twined and the sparks went up into the night. As I did so, I saw simply fire. It was not the fire that was literally burning before me. I saw great raging fires burning out of control across the land. Fires that turned green pines into blazing torches that burned blue with their heat. It was disturbing, to say the least.

The scene of uncontrollable fire burning through previously calm and sheltered places made me deeply uncomfortable. I watched the scene play over and over again. These fires that I saw started in two places. One was a literal forest fire burning a shocking number of hectares. All life that creeped, crawled, ran, and flew fled in chaos. The bodies of water within this forest fire literally boiled away, leaving the fish and creatures that sought shelter in them grisly death before they too burned to ash.

The other fire that I saw was an image like the renderings of the Great Chicago Fire or the fires that raged after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Urban places that were turning to rubble as massive fires roared through them with the same horrific loss of life that these events had played out before my eyes in my visions. When I tore my eyes away from the vision in the fire, I watched as sparks from the fire landed on dry grass and smoked. And still the vision trance held, and I saw these fires spreading beyond the places where they began.

I told myself that I was misunderstanding what I saw. I told myself that the sight was purely symbolic and I was reading too much into the vision. And then last week happened. And my nightmares of fire have happened. I would be a fool to say that there was mere coincidence that the visions of fire came before these recent events. I would be a fool to say that the fires I saw were manufactured by a vain desire to see something.

Fire can be a beneficial thing. The wild fire in the forest, for all the absolute terror and destruction it causes, also brings new life to the forest. It is what opens up the cones of Redwoods and several other conifers so that they might grow. It replenishes the soil of various nutrients. It can have majorly beneficial consequences in the long term, though the immediate consequences are horrific.

It can also be exceptionally harmful. Fire is fickle. The wise always regard it with caution, even when it seems to be 'domesticated.' The little campfire that you build to illuminate your campsite and toast your marshmallows can quite quickly turn into the forest destroying wild fire if it is not handled carefully. And, sometimes, it happens despite our best efforts to prevent such a thing from happening.

Fires are burning right now. Literal and figurative fires are burning across the world. My intuition tells me that we are witnessing the beginnings of the larger fires that I saw in my vision. I advise everyone be ready to work on helping to keep the neighborhood from burning down and be prepared to set some counter fires. Something unpleasant is coming and it is making the smoke foul. Gods willing, we haven't completely fucked everything up.

(I also now understand why Loki was so utterly insistent about his 'hugs'. As things are falling into place, he's been helping me see that I am not completely mad.)

Ingvi's Words of Wisdom

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Very dry, drought risk high

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting here feeling hideous because of the way I look. Ingvi walked up behind me, set his hands on my shoulders, and just cuddled me for a moment. (It's an odd thing to feel like you're being hugged when no one is physically hugging you. Beloved is literally sitting across the room with his back to me right now as he is reading a book.) Anyways, Freyr said something that really is wise. I do a terrible job of remembering it but he is always kind enough to remind me when I forget. Like I did tonight.

He said: Your soft belly is a wonderful, welcoming place for your sons to run to for a loving embrace. Your grey hair are signs of wisdom and well aged beauty. Your fine wrinkles are laugh lines more than lines of sorrow and they deepen the expressions of joy that you show. Each scar is a tale of glory. A badge of honor won with as much courage as blood on the battlefield. Your life has been hard lived and your body has worn the marks of it with grace. Never doubt you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and does not deserve your beauty.

I feel like I don't deserve to have him say such nice things about me. Amusingly, Loki's response to my saying this was the following said in a dry tone: 'That's a paddlin'.' That moment when kink and humor collide to both make you laugh, cheer you up, motivate you to do better, and make you reconsider the foolish choices ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And, of course, Ingvi just smiles indulgently as I kinda blush and mumble whilst Loki grins.

That last bit actually describes the last few weeks fairly well.

A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.