Letters to Loki no. 33

Dear Loki,

My head feels like it is thick with mud, but I know that is just because I'm so congested from Cuddle Bear's cold, which he so generously shared with me. I don't know what to write at the moment. My physical symptoms aside, I still don't feel well. I have more energy and stuff, but I still feel depressed. I still find myself having self destructive thoughts. 

I talked to my therapist about things. She got stuck on the concept of telling me that I have to ground myself in the present and 'tell all the cells in your body that it is in the past.' (I mentioned that I've been having problems with my c-PTSD and I guess she latched on to that.) I was... frustrated. The antipsychotic medication I'm on, apparently, is used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar. If that is the case, it really isn't working out that well. I'm trying to give the new medication time to work. I'm trying to give everything the chance to work out on its own. But, honestly, I'm worried that it won't.

A part of me wants to just run up the proverbial white flag and say 'fuck it, I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. might as well deal.' And then there is the rest of me that is soul deep angry. I can't fully put into words what I'm angry with. I'm angry that my care isn't what I think it should be. I'm angry with the fact that I have to go do this stupid shit to begin with. I'm angry with how I wound up in this position. And I am so utterly angry with the fact that my anxiety has gotten in the way of resolving much of the problem.

Most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I'm tired of the memory problems. I am struggling between the feeling that I want my life back and the resignation that this is the new normal. I hate feeling like this.

~ me

Conversation

Waxing Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies

Snow pack: 0 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lopt: You're exhausted but you're still trying to force yourself to do more. You shouldn't do that. You know that, right?

me: I'm sick of not having the energy to do stuff. I'm a writer. I should be writing. Not staring at a wall trying to think up a simple sentence for hours on end.

Lopt: Patience never really has been your strong suit, has it?

me: Not really.

Lopt: Pushing yourself past your limitations is a good thing, except for when it's not. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Burning the candle at both ends does no one any favors and hurts you in the end.

me: But I have to do it or stuff doesn't get done. 

Lopt: Then things will not get done as quickly as you'd like. Patience is necessary. Especially when you're healing.

me: I'm not going to be fully healthy ever again. It's just not going to happen. I might as well accept it and press forward.

Lopt: Now you're not telling the truth.

me: What other way is there to look at it? I'm disabled. My brain is broken, chemically speaking. Drugs will only last so long before they fail and I have to start something new.

Lopt: What would you prefer?

me: To have my life back. To be able to keep my composure when I'm stressed out or anxious rather than shaking like a leaf and bursting into tears. To be able to function rather than freak out over mundane shit like paying bills or get so anxious that I am nearly sick over stupid shit like weather or not my friends truly like me.

Lopt: Those problems were always there under the surface. Stuffing them down and shoving them aside lent you the appearance of composure but underneath, it was chaos. It always has been chaos. Now, at least, you can get the pain treated. You can learn to cope with the chaos rather than cutting your heart out to spite your past. Divorcing yourself from your emotions is not a solution. Forcing yourself to move on a broken limb breaks it even more and exacerbates the problem, leading to things such as blood poisoning. Think, what would you be doing to yourself with this? You're slowly killing yourself with this. With each time you push away your heart and try to quiet your mind by stuffing memories into a 'box'.

I will not stand idly by and watch it. There is no need for you to live as though under siege anymore. Now stop. Rest and recover.

God of trolling.

Waxing Crescent Ice Moon (Age: 3 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy

Snow pack: > 1 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I was attempting to write some erotica earlier. As I got to the part of the scene where things are getting very intense, I was trolled by Loki. I had Spotify set on random shuffle through all of the albums and music that I had on my playlists. (This is over 1k songs.) I had these very cinematic soundtrack pieces I was listening to as I was writing. And then I hit this point in the scene and Crazy Frog's Axel F started playing. Stuff like this is why I insist he is the god of the internet and trolling. Hail Flame Hair.

Conversation

Waning Ice Moon (Age: 25 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Chilly but unseasonably warm

Snow pack: 0 in

~*~*~*~*~*~

Ingvi: You worry too much and too often.

me: We've had this conversation before.

Ingvi: Yes, and yet you don't listen.

me: I listen, I just don't know what to do about it.

Ingvi: I have given you a simple answer to that.

me: Getting angry all the time doesn't do me any good.

Ingvi: Don't be angry. I didn't say angry. I said reject it. Two very different things.

me: But you tell me not to reject my feelings. I don't understand.

Ingvi: I think you do understand but you can't see quite clearly how to do it, Love.

me: Maybe.

*He sits down beside me and runs a hand over my hair.*

Ingvi: You braided it too tight again. You need to stop doing that when you're anxious. It'll break your hair and give you split ends and headaches.

me: Hair advice instead of an argument?

Ingvi laughs.

Ingvi: I'm not going to argue with you. No matter how much you bait me. No matter how well Loki has taught you to bait me.

*Ingvi smiles. He wraps an arm around my shoulders.*

Ingvi: You've been sick. You're anxious and testy. It makes you feisty and snappish. It's kind of adorable.

*I give him a skeptical look. He chuckles.*

Ingvi: So suspicious. I suppose that is better than angry. *Smiles again.* Listen to me. You don't need to cut off your feelings to spite yourself. You don't need to apologize for them either. There is nothing wrong with feelings, even the bad ones. Though I would prefer if you stopped calling them 'bad,' to be honest. Because there is nothing morally wrong with unpleasant feelings. They're just unpleasant. They're morally neutral, like pain. It is the context that determines your opinion of the feeling and even that is subjective and not truly a moral component. So, if you could please stop calling them 'bad' feelings, I'd appreciate it.

Anyways. Unpleasant feelings happen. Life is frustrating and hard. Depression comes and goes, even for the most healthy of people. Sickness comes and goes for everyone. Even gods. I am not here to tell you that these things will magically go away when you reject them... No, not reject them. Hmm.. Better way to phrase it; these things will not magically go away when you reject the mental baggage that goes with them. Depression will still be there. You will still have asthma and colds will still suck. However, you will not be in as much agony when you reject the story that these things are signs of your moral failings (of which you have fairly few, dear, trust me). Weakness makes you human.

Your humanity is what I love about you. Weakness and all. Especially weakness. *He smiles slyly.* Not all weakness is a bad thing, my dear. But, you know that. You just tell yourself that it is the only acceptable time to be weak. *He shakes a finger at me, putting on a mock stern expression.* No weakness is acceptable. *He smiles.* Do you feel better for my having told you that? Does it make your narrative complete, I having told you the one and only lie I will ever say to you?

*I shrug.*

I didn't think so. Because you and I, we both know that is not true. Weakness is like gravity. It is a functional flaw of construction. You can build a mighty building but it will still have stress points and weaknesses. The question is how to compensate for them. You can't do that when you deny them or ignore them. You can do a great deal of damage to your building when you do that.

*He cups my chin in his right hand and turns my face towards his.* You are not allowed to do intentional damage to yourself. That time has passed. Now we are going to be healthy. Yes you have your chronic illness and your disability, but that doesn't excuse you not being healthy. Thousands of people live lives that are healthy despite their illnesses. Health is more than a physical state of being and you know that.

Striving to be as healthy as you can be in the state you are in, that is all I ask of you. Progress, not perfection. When you are too sick to exercise, you rest. And you are as healthy as you can be at that time. You are not injuring yourself and making yourself sicker. The same goes for your mental health. Accept your limitations. Yes, push your boundaries but recognize there are limits. And some of those limits are fixed. And that has to be acceptable. You can not like it, but you must accept it.

*He gestures forward as though towards a scene before us.*

You don't have to like what you see. I'm not asking for that. But you can not torture yourself for seeing things you do not like. And you can not look away from them, because that is dangerous for you. Ignoring your weaknesses leads to you over exerting yourself and to you hurting yourself, which turns into a vicious cycle of this which is supposed to, in some strange, twisted way, compensate for the weakness. Cutting your hamstrings because you can not run and then trying to force yourself to walk with them cut is not going to help you or do you any good. It will only aggravate the problem, worsen your condition, and potentially render you completely incapable of what you're attempting to do.

me: I can't exactly help it.

*He frowns.*

Ingvi: Now don't lie to yourself like that. Or to me. You can help it, but it is very difficult for you. You have been trained to do this to yourself. You can break that training. You have broken much of that sort of training. Once, you wouldn't eat a proper meal. It took you years but you now eat when you are hungry, except for when you are not in your right mind. If you can break the conditioning to starve yourself, you can break the conditioning to tear yourself down when you are not feeling well.

You don't hate yourself. You love yourself very much but you act like you hate yourself because that was what you were taught to do as self love. You wouldn't do this to your children. You would take care of them when they didn't feel well and handle them gently when they were feeling fragile. You would nurse their injuries until they were well enough to go on. You must do this for yourself as well.

I love you. You love you. Now act like it.

A conversation.

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 8 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonable temps

Snow pack: 1 in. approx.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ingvi: You are refusing to do what relaxes you. This is part of what is wrong right now. Why do you insist on doing everything the hard way? What are you trying to prove?

Me: It's a habit. And I guess I'm trying to prove that I'm good enough.

Ingvi: Who are you trying to prove that to? How on Earth do you think you are going to accomplish this? What point is it good enough? Because from where I stand, there isn't an end point. It just keeps getting worse and more demanding with each hurdle you jump and river your cross.

Me: I don't know who I'm trying to prove it to. I don't know when it will be enough. It never is enough.

Ingvi: I can tell you who you're trying to prove your worth to. Someone who isn't here. Someone you have removed from the picture and doesn't see the torture you're putting yourself through. She can't see it. She never did see your worth. She saw a puppet. She saw someone to manipulate, to make jump through hoops for her amusement. You'd accomplish something and she'd set the bar higher. It wasn't to motivate you to do better. It was to try and make you fail. The fact that you rose to the challenge says more about you than it ever will about her.

Me: I don't know.

Ingvi: Trust me. You're far more competent, successful, and skilled than you realize. You need to stop punishing yourself when there is literally no reason for it. Your existence is not a curse or a blight on the world. It is a blessing. And you have never had anything to apologize for when it came to that. You never NEVER need to apologize for drawing breath.

Me: I know.

Ingvi: Do you? Do you really know? Do you understand that you are not a burden, something to be tolerated, or a mistake? Do you understand that you are a blessing in this world, someone to be embraced, and a glorious being who is needed in this world? Because I don't think you do. There's humility and then there is self rejection. What you do is not humility. And it needs to stop.

Letters to Loki No. 32

Dear Loki,

I am sitting here dreading the moment my kids get home. I feel badly that I slept so much today. I know that I had a lot of problems sleeping last night. I don't know why I woke up so many times through the night, but I really hope that tonight is not like that. I also don't want to deal with temper tantrums like I was yesterday. I know that the kids need to get some outside play time. At the same time, though, it is in the low 20s (F) and the wind is screaming out there. Even fifteen minutes may be too long for me out there.

I have a huge pile of magazines regarding crochet and spinning to read. I flipped through the one regarding silk spinning. As I did so, I couldn't help thinking that this is something that you would enjoy. I know that some people associate spiders with you because of the similarity between one of your heiti and the name of spiders in Norwegian. (I think? It may be Swedish, I'm not sure anymore.) I will be honest, I have joined the club of people who associate you with spiders but not because of questionable games regarding semantics (which I believe you find hilarious. Just a suspicion, but I have a feeling you find the word games really funny). No, I've come to associate you with spiders because of late, spiders have become one of the ways you've been pointing things out to me.

All this stuff about silk spinning put me to mind of spider silk, which then brought to mind your creative efforts. Long story short, I saw something about mugga silk (which is a naturally gold colored silk) and said to myself, "I know Loki would LOVE this stuff." I am thinking about some how acquiring some and making something for you. I'm just not sure how I am going to go about doing it because it is incredibly expensive. Still, if and when I manage to get my hands on some, I'm going to make something for you. It may wind up being something like a tiny spiderweb doily, but I'm still going to make something.

My box of offerings is beginning to get somewhat full and I'm not sure what to do with them. I can't exactly burn them in a fire. I am loath to throw them away, because that feels horribly, horribly wrong to do. If you have any suggestions for what I can do with these, I would really appreciate it. Because I honestly don't know what should happen to them to make room for more offerings. I know that the perishable food offerings can go. You've made it clear on that front how you wanted me to approach it. But these things that are not food, I have no idea what I should be doing. So, give me some guidance on how to approach this, please.

Thinky thoughts.

First Quarter Wolf Moon (Age: 8 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cold, light breeze and snow

Snow pack: < 1 in.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I sit here at the computer unsure what to write. A part of me says I should be composing something dramatic for a ritual or detailing a spell for use. Another part of me says that I should be focusing on writing for the gods. And then there is the part of me that says that all of this writing I've been doing here and on my other blog is a fool's errand. I'm striving to ignore that pessimistic, hyper-critical voice at the back of my head. It puts me in the mind of considering the intersection between my disability and my witchery.

At one point, I worried that hearing the gods and the dead meant that I truly was insane. I worried that I was going to find myself in a position where I am institutionalized for my own good and the safety of the people around me. It was a little fear that came up each time I had a spiritual experience and I questioned all of it through the lens of 'am I going insane?' It was a rather awful thing to do and experience. I don't recommend it to anyone.

Then I really did start hearing voices. It was ... alarming. At first, I thought that I was hearing the neighbors screaming. It was indistinct and female screaming something but it sounded muffled. Then we moved. Suddenly, I didn't have neighbors who fought like cats and dogs next door. I didn't have the plausible reason for the screaming that I heard. And I had to horrifying realization that the indistinct voice was becoming progressively more distinct and easier to understand. It was, however, completely different from when I hear the gods or the dead. Still, I had that lingering worry that what I was hearing from the spiritual elements were manifestations of the hallucinations.

Then I was put on antipsychotic medication. It took a little while for it to start working. One day, I was hearing the voice of my mother screaming horrible, horrible things at me. The next, it was gone. There was no muffled noise. It was as though someone flipped a switch. When I hallucinate, it is as though I am hearing someone speaking (or screaming) from about a foot behind me on my right side. I hear it in my ears like I would the ambient noise in the room. If it weren't for the fact that I knew that she wasn't there, I would have thought it was someone speaking to me. (One of my reality tests when I hear something now is to look for a speaker or source of sound. I take a great deal of comfort in the fact that my hallucinations are strictly auditory. I honestly don't know what I would do if they were visual as well. That is an idea that terrifies me.)

When I hear the gods or the dead, it is something that sounds 'inside' my head. It has a different feeling and timbre to it than the hallucinations. I didn't fully realize the difference until the day that I had to take Haldol because of my hallucination problems (I was hospitalized at this time.) and the silence came from the hallucination. And then Loki spoke up and said "Yep, I'm here." Relief is not a strong enough word to describe what I felt. I literally got tears in my eyes over that reassurance. The hospital staff were confused when I suddenly started tearing up but I managed to get them to stop prodding me to 'talk about it' after a few minutes.

Sometimes, I hear what is in someone else's head. Again, I thought it was a manifestation of auditory hallucination. And then, while I have been on this medication, I heard something Beloved was thinking. It sounded like he was saying it quietly in my left ear. I, thinking he was actually saying something to me, answered the question just as he was about to ask it. It doesn't happen very often. I think that is because telepathy is fickle. There are a lot of distractions and it takes a good deal of concentration to intentionally pick up on something. 

I am a bit worried how things are going to go over the next few months. My psychiatric provider is going to be starting the process of lowering my dosage of the antipsychotic. I talk to the gods about it. The general consensus has been that this is actually going to be a good thing. And if I respond well to it, I may be able to eventually come off of the antipsychotic. I don't know about that. I am a bit scared. But, I am going to trust them and myself. I know the difference between the different voices that I hear. (I've even managed to identify the way that the auditory hallucinations are different from actual sounds. Apparently this is something *really* uncommon for people who have problems with psychosis or psychotic features to their illness. I credit the years I spent attempting to distinguish the difference between my thoughts and the psychic input.)

Letters to Loki # 31

Dear Lopt,

I am feeling much better since the depressive episode started lifting Saturday. Now, however, I can't seem to get away from back aches and joint issues. I am heavily inclined to blame this wonky weather we've been having. As much as I am tempted to throw magic at it to make it less intense, I recognize that lil' ol' me versus El Nino isn't going to do much. I've been feeling old injuries and my arthritis a great deal. It seems strangely appropriate, to be honest.

This time of year is when I have a lot of anniversary dates that come up with my PTSD, so I'm feeling old psychological injuries too. I'm trying to just be patient and bear it as best I can. It is, however, exhausting and difficult. I have so much that I want to do but so little energy with which to do it. It really is irritating.

I am making progress on restraining the urge to be hyper critical of myself. It has involved a lot of biting my tongue. I am, however, reaching a point where I stop and consider the thought and determine if it even fits the situation and is legitimate. It's taken a few extra steps in the process of everything, but I think it makes me move in the right direction.

I'm still working at it, so there's that. Maybe I'll actually get this change made this year after all.

Depression sucks.

I'm not even sure what the moon phase or sign are right now. I don't really know what the weather is doing. I've been hiding in my apartment desperately wishing I could wave a wand and feel better. I just feel tired and hopeless. I tried doing some writing today and nothing came out. I tried to get myself the energy to do household tasks and I wound up taking a nap on the couch.

I want to hide from everything. My heart feels like it is a mass of raw wounds and that I'm losing my mind. My thoughts have been muddied or so full of anger that I caught myself screaming with it. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't know what to do.

The gods and the dead tell me to not give up. They tell me that just getting up and making sure that I am fed and the kids needs are met is enough. Meanwhile the kitchen sink piles up with dishes and I can't think straight long enough to really help my eldest with his homework. I feel like crying but the tears wont come. I want to feel better. I go to bed every night hoping that I'll wake up feeling even a little bit better. And I just feel worse the next day.

I'm scared that I am getting sicker again. I don't know what to do right now. I feel like I need to do something but my mind is blank. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of falling. I'm so tired of failing. If I don't fight, I fail. If I don't fight, I fall deeper. If I do fight, I may still fall but I at least don't fail so hard. I at least get something done.

But this time, the fight is just ... not there. I'm not angry with it all, not in the way that powers me through my worst days. I just feel defeated and exhausted. And I question what the point to it all is.

Freyja said the next step in healing is surrender. What do I do when I have so much counting on me and I don't have the energy to do it?

Letters to Loki # 30

Dear Sly One,

I think I am going to have writer's cramp by the end of the day. I'm trying to get caught up on page count for a project. I spent the first 4 hours of the day writing. I still have 6 pages to write to be at least where my adjusted page count should be for right now. I'm frustrated because I am over a month behind on that project. I know what has been getting in the way of it all and I am really not happy with it.

I am trying to make things work despite problems with depressive episodes and anxiety. But the more I push, the harder it gets to go forward. But if I am not pushing things at all, I have stuff that just gets more and more behind as it goes on. My therapist says that I am demanding too much of myself. She's probably right. She keeps asking me why I do it. I have a hard time explaining that I feel like I need to do that.

I have two manuscripts in progress. I have seven blogs I write on. I have housework and child rearing stuff to do. I have the Yule projects I am finishing up as gifts for people. She looks at me and tries to get me to explain why I am doing so much. I feel like I need to do it all.

I feel like if I don't write the manuscripts now they are never going to get written. I feel like if I don't keep up with the blogs I am not going to make progress with building my name as an author. The housework and child rearing stuff is necessary for obvious reasons. The Yule presents are necessary because we have a bit of a budget crunch and the time I invest into presents made saves us money down the road. I feel like I need to do all this stuff because if I don't I'm a failure.

I feel like I've been a failure too often in the past and I need to make up for it. I know it is probably all the negative programming from when I was a kid and people fucked with my head. I can't manage to shut it up any other way. The medications only work to make it where I am not literally hearing a voice saying that garbage and keep me functional. The therapy... I have no idea where the fuck the progress is going with my therapy. Beloved tells me that I am making progress. You tell me I am making progress. Damn near everybody tells me I am making progress but I just can't see it.

But that's what's on my mind right now. I'll try to get out some wine for you this evening. I think I've still got one of those single serving bottles left. If I do, it's yours. If not, I'll give you some coffee. Either way, I'll be adding something to go with the chocolate that I put out for you. Because chocolate by itself isn't half as awesome as chocolate with something tasty to go with it.

Letters to Loki # 29

Dear World Breaker,

To say that my life has been shaken up over the last several days is an understatement. I'm inclined to say it is the doing of simple life circumstances. While I know others would blame you for the chaos in their life, I know that 99.9% of the time it is due to the derpiness of humanity and events unfurling that we really have no legitimate control over. I know that some of the chaos is because I'm trying to get things back to rights (or as close to the 'normal' state) in the wake of NaNoWriMo this year and in the beginnings of the Advent season.

It is not exactly a time that is conducive to calm. As such, I find myself to some extend spinning in circles trying to get the apartment cleaned up for me to begin Yule decorating. At the same time, I am trying to help the boys reach their goals for the reading program. (I forgot to write down all the books they read over the Thanksgiving break. I told them to pile up the books and now I'm finding piles in random places. Mostly under laundry and toys.)

Getting my eldest to do his mathematics homework is still a trial. He decided he wanted to do half of it on his own last night, so I let him. I looked at it, I could see it was obviously wrong, but I knew that he sincerely thought he was correct. I decided that I had neither the energy or time to walk him through the process and help him correct his mistakes like usual. I've been exhausted over the last several days, which makes homework time particularly challenging.

My exhaustion is because I haven't been sleeping well. That has been because on Saturday, I got my PTSD triggered by a stupid meme on Facebook. Since then, I have been having anxiety over sleeping because I find myself afraid of nightmares. It took me most of Sunday to get myself to where I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells. That was hard because the kids were pure mischief that day, so I kept getting very frustrated, which increased the feeling. I was a little better yesterday. I will admit, you were right. I did need that nap, as much as I needed the one I took this morning. I'm not happy about it, but as you said, what I need trumps what I want.

I completed NaNoWriMo over my word count goal by about 20k. I'm not close to being finished with this draft. I have been getting a mixture of frustration and compulsive need to finish it before I work on something else. The fact that I didn't do anything with it yesterday feels unnatural. I am now, however, juggling two manuscripts at the moment. I found one that I am way behind on that I'm trying to get caught up in over the next month. I honestly don't know what I am doing right now. I just feel like I need to write and I am again getting to where I feel like I need to work on everything all at once. I have been resisting that urge, with some difficulty, but it is there.

I feel like my mental health issues are on the verge of coming to the fore again. The PTSD has been active over the last few days. I suspect that my difficulties sleeping are going to make the bipolar start up if the fact that it is the holidays doesn't do it. I wish this wasn't always a bad time of year for me. I know I once enjoyed it. But that was before N- happened. And before I really came to grips with the fact that we truly had less than others in ways that made every element of the holiday season a sacrifice, in the unpleasant sense of the word. Now, those are the two things that dominate my thoughts. Add in my social phobia and this time of year just is horrible for me.

I want to do something different. I want to change how this time of year hits me. But I feel like something in it all has to break to change. Something about the egregore that has been created needs to shatter so the rest of it can come apart. I am having real difficulty making that happen. If you have suggestions for how to approach it, let me know. I want this to be the year that I am finally happy with this season again.

Something I heard.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 11 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cold, clear skies,

snow expected

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was in the midst of letting my hair down when I heard Someone say:

Unbind your hair

Unbraid it

Unravel your tresses

Let them fall across my face

Let them fall upon my breast

I will go into that silken forest

And there I will hide

And hunt your very heart

I have suspicions as to who said that.

Astral sex has consequences.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: cool, partly cloudy,

snow forecast for pm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I had read about astral pregnancy. I thought it was confusing. I tried to make sense of it. Tried to comprehend it. I then gave up because it just was something I couldn't wrap my mind around. I mean, to some extent I could follow it but at the same time it was very bewildering. Cue approximately a year of not thinking about this aside from going 'Ok, that's cool that this is happening for you.' for a few people I know.

I suppose it was about the spring equinox when the astral sex thing happened more often between Freyr and I. It happened several times before then. It was really awesome but confusing. Still, it was something enjoyable and it brought him and I closer. 

Three months ago, I had a weird feeling. I felt like I was pregnant. I mean, the feelings were so intense, I got a pregnancy test. I was even late on my menses. The pregnancy test was negative. I concluded that something weird was happening with me but it wasn't anything negative with my health so I wasn't going to worry about it. Honestly, aside from the breast discomfort, it wasn't that bad. Just weird. One of the big differences from when I was pregnant with the boys and what I was feeling at that moment was the fact that I didn't feel like I had morning sickness, which was quite frankly awesome.

At the beginning of last month, I found myself cramping really hard. Cramping like I was in pre-labor. It hurt, it confused me, and I worried that maybe something really was wrong. After an afternoon of that, it went away. As this was happening, Loki said that he would help me feel better, so when it went away and I felt better, I figured he did his thing.  At the same time, the feeling of being pregnant went away. It made me suspicious that perhaps I had one of those confusing and kinda odd astral pregnancy things happen to me. Confused, I put that thought aside. I had my menses the next day and decided that they just were bad cramps because I was nearly a month and a half late.

Then, after the menses passed, the weird 'I'm pregnant' feeling came back again. This time, it lasted for a few weeks. The day before my menses came, I had a strange cross between the pre-laborish cramping and something very confusing. I felt like I was in labor but not physically so. I look at myself with my spiritual eye and just kinda stared in shock. My belly was as big as it was with my youngest son and I felt (but didn't at the same time) a baby squirming inside me. Loki was very wide eyed and concerned when he showed up.

He said that he was going to take me to where I could get help. Next thing I know, I am journeying (via Loki carrying me) to Angrboda. He says something about her midwife should help me. Angrboda tells me that I need to go to Freyja. So, cue another weird journeying experience of being carried. When I was brought to Angrboda, I could see myself moving through a dark wood. The second journey, I was moving through what seemed to be a tunnel of all colors of light. Then I was in a room with Freyja and some alfar woman that I had never encountered. Freyr was there and looking very concerned. Loki got some pointed looks and he exited the room.

Then I had the experience of giving birth (which ached on the physical level, like if I had gotten kicked in that bit of anatomy in the recent past). After which, Freyja and everyone else got very concerned. The baby was spirited off elsewhere by Freyja and the woman. I was confused and worried because I hadn't even heard the child cry. Freyr sat with me, looking rather concerned as he held my hand.

Several nights later, I am talking with a dear friend of mine and I described what happened. At which point, two things happen. Freyja explains that the second birth was complicated and the child needed to be in Jotunheim to be well. And then I am told that Loki did something and Freyr was angry with him. And that signs were indicating that what I suspected at first that I was some how pregnant before this were accurate.

Cue a ... discussion, where Loki says he helped midwife the first child and brought her to an undisclosed location for the child's safety. This turned into a bit of an argument between him and I, wherein he says it is Freyr's child and that he helped labor happen a little earlier than it was supposed to. And I demand that he bring the child to Freyr's hall, where she is supposed to be. The argument between Loki and I was unpleasant, for both of us, but in the end he did bring the child to Freyr. And he mended fences with Freyr.

Things are still a bit touch and go between him and Freyr right now. But, it is returning to the normal realm of Freyr telling Loki 'you annoy me.' and Loki telling Freyr to 'lighten up.' By the way, Loki telling Freyr to lighten up has always struck me as funny. Freyr, who exudes joy frequently, doesn't exactly come off as someone who takes himself too seriously. Which is what Loki semi-regularly needles him about. It's like the verbal equivalent of spit-balling between the two of them. Which is weird to be on the sidelines of.

But, astral pregnancy, it is a thing. I'm still confused by it, but I guess the ... amount of quality time I've been spending with Freyr was going to catch up to me at some point.

Freyr the hunter.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: cold, partly cloudy,

snow forecasted for pm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I had a dream/vision of Freyr on the hunt. The first thing I was struck by was the fact that watching him in motion and action was a thing of frightening beauty. It was like watching a dangerous storm rolling through the sky. The second thing that hit me was how he was alight with joy. He was laughing as he chased after terrifying things and cut them down. As he and his party were going after things that made my nightmares look like a happy place, they were all whooping with joy and excitement. When the sighted their quarry, they laughed and cheered. When they ran it down and caught it, there was more of that kind of wild, ecstatic excitement like what you'd see at a sporting event in the fans where their team is winning and successfully thrashing their opponents like nobody's business. Bloodthirsty doesn't feel like the right word, but it is the closest I have for it.

I was just watching them from the side. And then he saw me. A part of me wanted to bolt when they moved towards me. They were rather intimidating (terrifying). The entire group cheered when they saw me. It was only a subtly different cry from what they made as they were chasing prey down. I felt like I was a prize even as I felt like I was their quarry. To say it was disconcerting is really a huge understatement. Looking back on it, I don't entirely know what kept me from running.

I suppose I was fascinated by the look in Freyr's face. Like, that hypnotized stare that deer get when they are caught in car headlights. It was all the joy and ferocity that came with hunting, and hunger. When they whole party had reached me, I found myself at the center of the group. Somehow, I knew that they were protecting me from what they had been hunting. He just smiled down at me with that look and said, "I caught you."

I will admit, my reckless streak came out. When I replied, "And what are you going to do with me?" pretty much everyone in the group laughed. It was a sound that made me immediately tell myself that sass was a horrible idea. A few in the group gave some... explicit suggestions. From the look in his eye, I honestly found myself wondering if he was going to take those suggestions and act on them right that moment.

He dismounted from the horse he was riding. (Anyone else out there who has involvement with Freyr, please tell me, it is just me or does he ride a horse that is the color of rust/dried blood? Also, that thing is freaking huge. I was probably tall enough that my head was about midshoulder on it, at best. And I'm a little above average height.) He brushed a lock of hair out of my face and then he kissed me. I felt like there was pure electricity between us.

Then the dream/vision ended. Since that happened, when he is present, he still has that wild, electric air about him. It's restrained but the tension of it feels like a balloon on the edge of bursting, for lack of a better description. It has been... intense.

What am I doing again?

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Chill, partly cloudy skies

snow forecasted for pm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been a while since I've written in here. NaNoWriMo has been partly why and the fact that I just don't know where to begin is the other reason. There has been a lot on my plate with working with the gods and the various spirits around me. Mostly, that work has been 'shadow' work within myself. Look back on everything, I can see some spiritual measure behind why I got sick last week. I was falling into the bad habit of overextending myself again. I kept getting told to slow down and rest. I was stubborn and didn't listen. Then I found myself sick in bed for most of last weekend.

Freyr has been somewhat quiet of late. I'm not too surprised because in many ways this is his 'off' season in my part of the world. He also has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is participating in the Wild Hunt this year. (To be honest, the couple of times where I saw his hunting party in action, I was both mesmerized and intimidated. The fierce joy in his hunting and taking on difficult quarry took me by surprised. Somehow, I forgotten that he is more than a theoretical warrior deity. I'll get into a little more detail about one of those moments a little later. Probably in another post.) The times where I have been with him and he is talkative, the discussions have been somewhat hard for me.

He has become very direct in challenging me not to deny myself joy. Considering that this is something I've been struggling with for a long while and when I get stressed out, it is the first thing I drop, I really am not surprised. The conversations have moved from encouragement to take time for little pleasures in my day and sweetness to a combination of assertive challenging of my bad habit of self denial and a.. Well, it is hard to describe. While Loki and I have some D/s stuff between us (that I didn't expect but looking at it all it makes sense now), there was never anything like that between Freyr and I. Now, there's something that hits those mental buttons in an entirely different way with Freyr and I'm somewhat scrambling to figure out what I'm supposed to do. 

While Loki will be the right bastard that I have always found alluring, Freyr is decidedly taking a different approach. It leaves me feeling like he's hunting me. This game of cat and mouse is very different from the games between Loki and I. And where Loki will basically grab a hold of me and make me look at something, Freyr has been doing this combination of chasing me in the direction I should be moving and cornering me and making me look at things. It is very disconcerting and has left me in a rather confused and twitterpated state. And it is becoming clear that this is what response he is seeking right now. I have a feeling that Loki's spending some time over the last few months pushing my mental buttons has shown Freyr something about what makes me tick.

On one hand, I am finding myself beside myself with delighted anticipation. On the other, I am reeling with shock and struggling with the urge to run and hide. Which doesn't work so well with gods. You may run but hiding never works. And they'll just let you run yourself tired. Last weekend was something of a manifestation of running myself tired, I think. Because while I was half delirious, Freyr was very present and made use of my rather glib state to have a conversation with me about my problem with keeping outmoded and harmful mental patterns in play.

Loki's been pushing my kink buttons pretty hard. This has lead to some awkward moments. Finding yourself getting hot and bothered over an idea when you're in the middle of something that is entirely different and really usually isn't connected with sex... it can be a bit uncomfortable. Especially when you are attempting to do something like pay bills and you need to focus on doing math to make sure everything is coming out properly. At the same time, however, Loki's effort to have me associate something pleasurable with doing stuff that usually makes me super anxious seems to be working. It is somewhat bewildering. But, again, there is the concerted push to make me realize stuff like sex is not a bad thing and that pleasure is ok/safe/fun. Loki has also been very ... amused with how I've basically gone 'eep' and stare like a deer in headlights when Freyr starts pushing my buttons. He's declared it adorable.

I usually would fire back some sassy comment about how I'm not adorable, but my smart ass comments have been falling flat as Loki has been deciding to be ... amused with it rather than annoyed. It's been fairly disconcerting to realize that my sass has moved from 'teehee, I'm being a pest.' to 'I'm writing checks that my ass is going to have to deliver on.' I suppose you could say that we've gone to the next level with these games, I have no idea. All I know is that Loki plays the mindfuckery game like no ones business and he's become more aggressive about it as I have gotten more comfortable with this thing between him and I. At one point, I was having a bad day and I demanded to know what exactly was his game. He gave a very... sexually charged laugh and said, "You need someone to push you. I'm here to help." It cured my bad mood. At the same time, a part of me quietly went 'Oh shit!' and I found myself questioning what the fuck I was thinking about all of this.

And then there is Freyja. Oh boy has that been difficult for me. I think I'm making progress. I've been struggling with what she's been giving me to work on. I have been genuinely putting effort and doing my best to swallow my anxiety to push forward. At the same time, she has been adapting the tasks she gives me to work around my difficulties. A part of me keeps insisting that I'm not 'good enough' to accomplish the stuff she is giving me to do. I've been doing my best to gag, hogtie, and throw that part into a dark hole. Another part of me looks at myself and goes 'Why the fuck can't I do XYZ? It's simple. Why can't I do it?' A lot of what Freyja has me working on aligns with the stuff that my therapist has me working on. I don't think that is a coincidence either. I'm stumbling my way forward but it feels like I'm trying to walk when I'm so weak I can hardly crawl. And getting angry is not working to push me through it. Instead, I have to go in the opposite direction and that's been a struggle for me.

There's been some other stuff going on, but I'm going to put that in a separate post. Because it's kinda weird enough to take up its own slot. I will simply say that astral sex has consequences.

Over the last week, I have found myself interacting a lot with the dead. I do it a fair amount to begin with. But there was a bump in traffic around Tuesday. I don't know if it is connected to the stuff that has happened with a lot of mass deaths over the last two weeks. All I know is that I went from having one or two spirits of the deceased showing up to get, well, for the lack of a better description, directions to their destination, to I had about ten show up all at once. (No, they were not all French or any of the people who died in the other incidents. Three were cancer victims. One was a car accident victim, who was very disoriented and had no idea how they wound up in my neck of the woods. Four were domestic abuse victims. And one was somebody who passed on from a heart attack. They all were headed to the same spiritual 'place' but as one described it, they got lost on a detour.) The other days were similar incidents.

I have also found that my Disir have been more vocal of late. They are all doing what they could to encourage and help me with the work I've been doing for Freyja. It was very... confusing to have my Disir helping me to have conversations with different aspects of myself. But, I was ... effective. They have also been active in my dreams. Again, the general emphasis has been on helping me resolve my issues with letting myself be happy and enjoy things. Oddly, or perhaps not so odd, I have been finding myself making a lot of progress through dream work. I have also been having more lucid dreams over the last two weeks.

Letters to Loki # 28

Dear Sly One,

My eldest tried to pull a fast one on me. It is not working out how he anticipated. I am torn between amusement with his frustration with the situation and annoyance with the situation. I am working to focus more on the humor of it all. His attempt to stay home from school 'sick' and miraculously be well after the bus left has netted him a day of being forced to rest or get in trouble for lying about being sick. Right now, he is laying in his bed staring at me. It's almost 10 am and there has been about 8 times now that he has asked if it is lunch time. He is bored, which is according to plan.

I have been working on all my blog posts and feeling like I am not going to get everything caught up. It is a frustrating feeling. I wish that there were more hours in the day or something. I have a pile of housework to catch up on and bills to pay. I can't just sit here and focus on writing all day. I suppose that is part of the price of being an adult. I am glad, however, that I have gone from the horrendous cough and congestion (with a touch of fever and delirium) just a bunch of sinus pressure. I can take Sudafed and get stuff done, rather than be sick in bed like I was all weekend.

It has been difficult to focus on putting aside my anxieties to get stuff done. I have been making the effort. According to Beloved, I am actually making progress. I don't feel like I am, but I guess it is hard to see how many handbags you have made when you're ass deep in alligators. I have caught myself starting to worry about Yule. I don't have as much done as I thought I would by this time. It has forced me to alter some of my plans for gifts and that disappoints me. I guess I am again dealing with setting my expectations too high.

It is a bad habit. I thought I was doing better about it, but I suppose I'm not really. I have been, however, making a point of doing a better job with self-care, like you wanted me to. I kinda cheated on the eating healthy thing for a few weeks. I think I gained back a few pounds but I am not going to twist myself up into knots over it. I am going to do my best to get more exercise done in the house since the weather has gotten colder and I can't really go out for walks like I did when it was warm.

I tried taking a walk at the park by the lake. It was really uncomfortable because of the wind and the chill. My knees have been bothering me a lot. It is kinda funny, but my losing weight has posed a little bit of a problem with my arthritic knees. My knee braces won't stay in place because my legs are smaller now. I've resorted to using my cane more because of it. I am working to keep some amusement over this fact. I am also tempted to bust out the duct tape and wrap the cane in something like zebra print tape so that it doesn't look so boring.

I caught my self looking at sword canes the other day and then I remembered they're illegal in my state. I had a sad after that. I think, however, I am going to get myself a wooden cane at some point in the not too distant future. The aluminum, which I am considering redecorating with patterned duct tape, has started having issues with the part that keeps the two bits together. I almost think that the screw portion of it is getting stripped, which makes no sense because it hasn't been getting moved around a lot. Perhaps it is just shoddy workmanship. It was only $15.

Punch drunk and waiting for more.

Waning Gibbous Blood Moon (Age: 20 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Mild, partly cloudy, windy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The gods have been making their presence very known over the last few days. I would talk in greater detail about how they've been doing it but I think the song in the video above describes it and my present struggle. I don't even know why I'm struggling so hard against my own happiness. I don't know why I am so afraid when I'm not caught up in the joy of it all.

All the trouble I had adjusting to life with Beloved as more than a friend, it just came back with a vengeance. They assure me all is safe. They have acted in a manner that has done nothing but been loving, helpful, and delightful. Why am I so panicked at the thought of being happy? I want to stop fighting but I keep throwing my hands up with a shriek at the thought of just letting go.

They tell me it is because of my trauma. They are doing things to help me with it. But I just can't get the words out. I can't say how I feel or take the first step in this dance. I feel like all the world is a tumult. Even as I'm afraid, I am breathless with anticipation and pleasure. I feel like I'm going mad.

Slogging through the last few weeks.

Waning Gibbous Blood Moon (Age: 17 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Windy, cool

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been difficult over the last few weeks. I've been struggling with feeling disconnected from everything. I found myself on the verge of despair. Then Loki and I had a conversation. It pretty much was like this:

Me: I feel like giving up right now.

Loki: No you don't.

Me: No, I'm pretty sure that's what I'm feeling right now.

Loki: No, you're exhausted. You're NOT giving up.

And then he gave me that harsh look that tends to have me stumbling over myself. Which then had me amending how I phrased things just so that I didn't test my luck too much. Because stern Loki is an experience and a half. This weird D/s thing between him and I just keeps going along and I find myself getting worried that it is all in my head.

Then something WTF happens and I discover that I really can't think up stuff as weird as what he does. Immediately after, I find myself thankful that he is favorably inclined towards me. Because I've seen a little bit of what happens to people who get on his bad side and it isn't pretty. At least in my case, he stops when I hit the very extreme edges of my limits. Granted, he is working on making those edges a bit farther out every time, but he respects my limitations. I don't think he does that for people he doesn't have any affection or a vested interest in. Just a gut feeling on that one.

The silence from Dea briefly stopped today. I was frustrated with the fact that I didn't have much work in my devotional journal. Then I felt her quiet presence. It wasn't anything dramatic. I just felt her here with me. But it lifted my spirits. It was reassuring to know that she was not done with me. I had missed her a great deal. I am hoping that there will be more interaction with her over the next few days.

As per the request of my ancestors, I poured out wine for the Hunt. I am not entirely sure why my ancestors wanted me to do that. But I did so. I also made a point to set aside a bit of dinner for my ancestors. I figured they'd want something more substantial than halloween candy. So, they got a bit of ham, sweet potatoes, and peas, as well as some wine. I'm hoping that on halloween proper, I will have some fresh baked bread to give them.

Letters to Loki #27 - WTF am I doing here?

Dear Sky-Treader,

I am looking at my present situation and wondering what I am supposed to be doing, how I got here, and what exactly is the plan moving forward. It now makes a little over two weeks that writing has been a struggle. I have been trying to work through waves of depression and its related physical issues (because having exhaustion on top of insomnia is absolutely fantastic, ya know.) but with limited success. I've hit a point that I just am spinning my wheels despite how much I want to do something more.

Beloved says the problem is my Bipolar acting up and the fact that this has always been a bad time of year for me. I feel like there's something more in the mix, because I don't think I was this off my feed until later in the season last year. It has me worried that I'm going to get a lot worse as time goes on. I'm quickly getting overwhelmed by the stuff I just need to do for the kids with school stuff. And that is making it harder for me to help them with school stuff.

I'll be perfectly honest, it is somewhat scary for me right now in dealing with all this. I know that these are very important years for their development and I want them to have all the opportunities to succeed that they can. I know they have difficulties of their own with the autism. I'm trying so hard to work with this thing and find how it could be an advantage, somehow. But I am having a lot of difficulty because it is so hard to communicate with them.

I feel like I'm failing them. I feel like my disability is getting in the way of being a good mother. And I am struggling with all of that past trauma that comes up this time of year. It is still pretty hard to get my head around the deaths of my paternal grandparents. I alternate between being angry and wanting to do everything to prove that i can. And being crushed, anxious, and just wanting to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide from the whole universe. It is exhausting to swing between those two states.

Please, help me figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now. It is pretty clear that my plans are not working. Help me figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to help my children. I know that there is something. I just can't figure it out. You're smarter than me. I know you'd have a perspective that I am missing on this puzzle. As I reach a point where things settle down, I will start writing those adult pieces you were talking about. I just can't manage to get myself organized enough to do it. But if you help me get this stuff sorted out, I can get back to doing that for you.

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