Letters to Loki # 23 - Rambling and ranting.

Dear Loki,

Today has been a rather long day. I was reaching a point of intense frustration when Beloved gave the wonderful suggestion of going out and picking up take-out for dinner. Having eaten a good portion of shrimp in garlic sauce and lo mein, I feel a bit less on the verge of either screaming or throwing stuff. I guess part of my problem was low blood sugar. I thought I had gotten past the whole 'forgetting to eat' thing. Looks like I was wrong.

The sky outside right now is really impressive. It is raining but the sun is setting. It is at such an angle where the whole western sky is lit up with shades of orange. I'm sure if I stepped out and looked east, I'd see a rainbow right now. It is, however, wet and windy out there. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I will admire it all from right here in the living room.

I keep getting things tangled up on how to approach my creative efforts. Freyr is wisely telling me not to take an 'all or nothing' approach. It's been tempting to just say that since I can't do much now that I should just give up on the whole mess. I am, however, listening to his better judgment and putting such decisions aside. It is, honestly, awkward for me to listen to Freyr's advice. He's been suggesting over the last several days that perhaps I have been operating a little too much under the influence of my past trauma.

At his encouragement, I picked up my therapy journal and I have been writing in it again. It is really uncomfortable. I guess the best way to describe it is that writing in there is the mental equivalent to having that wound drain pulled out of my side. And, like when I had that damn thing taken out, I recognize this is necessary and something that is only going to help my long term welfare. I get angry with the fact that I have to do all these things (therapy, journaling, medications, etc.) to manage some degree of mental stability. I look around at how other people are going on with their lives and I feel intense envy for how 'easy' it seems to be.

Then I mentally smack myself and remind myself that I'm comparing things that have no relation to each other. Freyr's been suggesting that I consider talking to my therapist about finding some sort of PTSD support group. I have been hemming and hawing over it. I don't feel like there's much for someone like me in my area. I have had a hard time looking around and finding support stuff for us when it comes to the kids autism. I'm afraid to go looking for myself.

Fear has been a big problem for a little while now. Some of it is because I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping since late last August. I'm now on 8 different medications. If the three I'm taking to sleep at night don't resolve the problem or at least mitigate it, then my psych provider is talking about putting me on Ambien. I've read a little bit about Ambien. It makes me a bit nervous.

I have been feeling really upset about the fact that I take all these medications. I know that mental illness is as legitimate of a health condition as diabetes. I still can't shake the feeling, however, that I have some how failed because I'm taking medication to manage my symptoms. Every time I go to take my medicine, I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. My therapist says this will pass as I get the bad programming from my youth out of my head. Apparently conditioning is harder to put aside then sticking to a diet is.

Speaking of diets, I have come to the conclusion that baked tofu is probably one of the worst things I have tired in my attempts to eat vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch on most days. I still have three blocks of the stuff sitting in the fridge. I am pretty sure the kids won't touch it. I know that Beloved will not eat it. So, I think I'm going to have to just throw it out. Apparently, the only way I can tolerate tofu is in hot and sour soup or miso soup. And I don't have the stuff to make either.

I can't think of anything more to write. I could go on about how upset I am with my mental health issues, but I think I covered that pretty completely. We watched a parade for Memorial Day. The kids loved the two marching bands and the firetrucks. I have been wracking my brains on something I can do for the ancestors. I feel badly saying that it is probably only going to be a small food offering and a candle. I want to do more but I just can't think of anything. I hope that I'm not disappointing them with what I have to give. I am, probably, over thinking things again. Another habit I really should consider breaking, I suppose.

Letters to Loki # 22

Dear Loki,

I have been giving some thought to what you've suggested. I honestly don't feel like I'm up for the task. Still, you, Freyr, and Odin are all of a mind that I can get three books written by the end of summer. I am going to give it my best effort. Thinking about summer has me really intimidated. My mental health hasn't been all that great over the last few months and I'm reluctant to say that the medication adjustment has resolved everything. I feel like I can't fully trust it. The last medication adjustment only lasted a few months before it started to lose effectiveness.

This whole business with my mental health has been really frustrating. You've been really awesome about helping me keep my proverbial shit together. I really appreciate it. The fact that you have helped me calm down in the midst of a panic attack is solid gold. I will confess, it was eerie to go from panic to complete calm with out dissociating. It was like some switch in my head got flipped and I suddenly gave no fucks whatsoever about being in that crowded location. Freyr suggests that I can learn that skill. I have been kinda confused by this. But, I've been talking with Odin, as you have encouraged, and doing the exercises he gave me.

Speaking of exercise, I've been more active about physical exercise. I am pleased to report that I walked 2.5 miles today despite my knees giving me a lot of trouble. I'm paying for it somewhat by how much they're aching right now, but it will pass. I am at something of a loss for yoga. I know that you think it would be really awesome for me. I think you may have a point and it would probably be easier on me then aggressive strength training or running (which always comes to mind when I think about exercise for some reason). I could come up with a dozen excuses for why I am not doing it but, honestly, I am intimidated by it. Your arguments that it would improve my sex life hasn't exactly helped make the prospect less intimidating, by the way.

I have been getting more spinning related stuff done. Last week I washed up about a pound of wool. I need to card or comb it before I can spin it. I don't think I did stuff right in washing the brown colored wool in the batch of samples. I didn't handle it very much (really, I didn't handle it at all) but somehow it seems a bit felted. I am coming down the home stretch with the dark blue silk that I have been spinning. I will be taking a break from spinning silk to get some of that batt of raspberry colored wool spun. That idea you had for how to improve my homemade distaff was brilliant. It is working out really well. Thanks again for the suggestion. It never would have occurred to me to try putting one of the drawer pulls I had been using to make little drop spindles on the end of the stick. And the wood glue seems to be holding really well.

I am running out of coherent things to write and Thor is on his way through. I'm hoping the thunder storm will knock some of the humidity out of the air. It's hard enough to sleep with my chronic nightmares. This sticky, hot, and humid weather isn't exactly making that easier either. The front is supposed to pass through tonight and we'll be in the 60s tomorrow. I hope it doesn't cause any problems for Snuggle Bug's school field trip tomorrow. I'll catch up with you again soon. Give my love to Sigyn.

Letters to Loki # 21

Dear Loki,

I feel like the village idiot right now. I'm really upset over losing my favorite pen. So upset that I find myself half on the verge of tears over it. There is no rational reason for this. Yes, I lost my favorite pen. But it's just a pen and I have a similar one that I can use right now.

It kinda encapsulates today. The morning was fun with laundry (and I lack the verbage to adequately express the sarcasm here). I tried to get some writing done but I was interrupted. I didn't have my favorite pen then either, but I was just happy with the cheapie that I had at the time. I kinda found myself in a position of somewhat forced socialization.

On one hand, I'm pleased with how that turned out. I think I may have someone buying my book because of it. At the same time, I was upset because I really wanted to write more in my journal. Then I got home and I tried to work on some other things but it just didn't work out. Right now, I'm cooking dinner and half expecting that to go sideways on me. (I know, that type of attitude invites trouble. I'm not having much success adjusting it right now.)

The thing that really makes me mad is the fact that I should have had a good day today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I averted a problem. And I even managed to have the kids behave despite being stuck in the house all afternoon. But I'm tired, upset, and angry. I guess it is because of my brain chemistry, but it feels like a pathetic excuse.

I've been forcing myself not to start worrying over things. I guess that may be part of the crankiness too. I don't know. I just hope that tomorrow goes better. And that my damn pen turns up.

Letters to Loki # 20 : I am thankful.

Dear Loki,

It's been a rough week. At the same time, I've been taking your advice to heart and trying to focus on the things I am thankful for compared to where I was not so long ago. It kinda baffles me that a year ago [I can't say for certain it was a year because my sense of time is so messed up by my medications and psych issues. :( ] I was in the hospital for suicidal depression. As much as I have been struggling, I am not at that point and I am deeply thankful for it.

I had my plans for a garden go sideways on me but I found soil to use in my containers for dirt cheap. (Yes, I used the pun. I would have found a worse one but it wasn't worth digging up.) I am beginning to make peace with the absence of the trees behind the building. I will confess, I am glad that we have a lot less mosquitoes. I have been noticing more birds at the feeders and focusing on that rather then the mess that has been coming with it.

I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am making an effort not to push myself too hard before I am ready. I am somewhat disappointed that I don't have it in me to do more right now. Still, I find I can do more then I could a few days ago and that is something that I am glad of.

I also did as you suggested and talked with Freyr about all the things I've been worried about. And, again, you were right. I was over thinking everything and letting my anxiety run the show again. I know I need to stop bottling up my anxiety and start confronting it face on when it pops up. I think I have a long way to go before I can take that in stride.

I don't think it was a coincidence that over the last few days my arthritic knees have been functionally keeping me at home when I've been really restless. I guess I need to slow down and focus on getting my immediate environment under some measure of control rather then running away from it. Which, I admit, I was doing some of last week. Ok, I was doing a lot of it.

I keep staring at the knitting project I've been working on and wishing it would finish itself. I'll be glad to give that to my sister-in-law when it is done. I have no idea where to start with the sampler I was stitching. I just stare at it blankly for several minutes and then put it back into the canvas bag where I've been keeping it. I know that I need to do more artistic expression. I just find myself at a loss for where to begin. It's all rather overwhelming.

I'm sure I will figure it out. It's great that you are willing to just share coffee with me and hang out. It helps a lot when I have days where I'm feeling really lonely. Also, those ideas you've thrown out on how to deal with the kids have been solid gold. I'm a little intimidated with where things are going on that front, but I'm going to do as you encouraged and deal with each thing as it is presented.

It's funny, actually. So many people think of you as the random clown or the scary guy who destroys everything they've attempted, but not too many folks seem to think that you are practical and a problem solver. Sure, some of your solutions are unorthodox, but they work and that is what matters, right?

Letters to Loki #19 Fuck Bipolar.

Hey there Sly Fox,

I did it. I wrote about the thing like you encouraged me to. I don't exactly feel better for it but maybe this is one of those it takes a while to kick in. I'm getting sick and tired of this depressive episode bullshit. I've been somewhere between angry, anxious, and wanting to hide somewhere and cry all day. It's been pretty awful.

I keep catching myself getting upset because I can't just go and be like I was before the bipolar came into the picture. (Or before it became so bad to be clinical. I don't know. I'm confused on the whole matter, to be honest.) This adjusting to my new normal is really fucking hard. I hate it. I get myself to a point where I feel like I'm about ok and then the next depressive episode hits or my PTSD acts up. Or something else goes wrong.

I'm sick of it. I just want to be healthy again. And then I have days where I wonder if I ever really was healthy to begin with. It's damn depressing. I'm trying to be positive and turn these fucking lemons into lemonade but I just want to throw 'em in the freezer to then throw at people who irritate me. It's a good thing, I suppose, that my freezer is kinda small and full right now. And that the lemons are proverbial.

This disability business is bullshit, man. Serious, weapons grade bullshit.

The matter of ISIL

New Flower Moon (Age: 0 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Warm, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was with great deliberation and much consultation with my Dísir that I came to the conclusion that it was appropriate to curse ISIL. They had added on another focus but I am not to speak of it until the full moon. Yesterday, I performed the curse on ISIL and I did so under the guidance of my Dísir. This really was the first time I have done magic with the active participation of the Dísir. I honestly have no idea how this will effect the manifestation of the spell's results.

They told me to do the exact opposite of my usual curse breaking spell. My usual curse breaking spell consists of taking three thorns, grinding them to a powder, and burning them. As I do so, I focus on the malevolent magic and energies that have been directed at someone and drive them down into the earth to dissipate. It sometimes is harder to do when I haven't much invested personally in the outcome of the spell. I think that is because I do my most effective magic when my heart is entwined with it.

 

The curse on ISIL was assembled in the physical realm by taking three thorns and driving them into a candle at varying intervals. As I lit the candle, I declared what the results of the curse would be and the target. I then allowed the candle to burn completely. It was interesting because as the candle burned, it cracked apart where the thorns pierced it. Also, the candle continued to burn for a little while when the wax about the wick was used up. I am more then a little bit certain that last bit was the hands of the Dísir. 

 

Unlike other spells I have done recently, I did not feel a great flow of power from myself into the flame. In this instance, I saw the flame drawing energy to it and then that energy was sent elsewhere. I also had the distinct impression that there were more deities then Loki, Freya, Odin, and Tyr observing (if not influencing) this. When the candle had burned down and extinguished itself, I disposed of all the remnants, taking care not to touch the components. I had the candle set in a 'bowl' made of aluminum foil. I did this because I didn't want to have the trouble of cleaning wax out of a candle holder. When I realized that the action also preserved me from handling the miasmic leavings of the spell, I immediately wondered if I had been guided to do so by the gods. 

While ISIL is causing havoc in the middle east, I've noticed that all of the old gods have sat up and taken notice (with more then a little displeasure). They've also been taking note of the other group that I was directed to include as a focus. I did a separate ritual for that. This second ritual has a longer time frame then the first. I think this means that the first will manifest more quickly. I feel that something is moving beneath the surface and the spells I have done this phase of the moon are going to have some far reaching consequences.

I was careful to manufacture the spells so that the blow back was as carefully directed as the spells themselves. I know that sending energy out means that energy returns to you. The curse that I sent out was crafted in such a fashion that the energy that returns will be something that removes harmful things from my life. Oddly enough, it was Freya's direct guidance that engineered that. I did a lot of the heavy lifting whilst she gave directions.

I haven't done divination on what the results of this will be. I am not going to either. I will just let it be as it is and let the plethora of gods deal with it. I have more immediate concerns to deal with right now. And perseverating on how the spell will manifest is only going to make me stressed out. ISIL and the others have kicked a hornets' nest. My actions merely funnel the direction of the hornets on to them. And that was all I, honestly, was willing to do.

Could I have gone farther with it? Yes. But I didn't think it was worth the fall out from doing so. And neither did my Dísir. And when all else fails, it's good to listen to the ancestors because they usually have a perspective that you don't on such things as magic.

Letters to Loki #18 - I believe.

Hey there Sly One,

I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.

When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.

I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.

So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.

It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.

Broomclosets suck.

Waxing Egg/Pink Moon (Age: 12 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Clear skies, chilly

Snowpack: gone :)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It didn't hit me until a few days ago that I was making my way back into the broomcloset and not attending to my children's spiritual education because I was afraid. Now, one may ask what I am afraid of. When I was younger (foolhardy and feisty), I was public about my non-Christian status. I asked questions in an attempt to make sense of Christianity that, among other things, lead to my getting thrown out of a church. Protip: Don't ask the Catholic priest: how he can be sure that god is real when the bible is written by fallible human hands and people lie for power, thus how does he know his scripture is true? I was 12 at the time this happened. That peer who invited me to go to church with her stopped talking to me and her parents were down right frosty towards me after the incident. Go figure. Getting thrown out of a church was a very confusing experience for me because I thought that everybody was welcome in a church and I knew that asking questions was the best way to learn something. It was a matter that had been troubling me and I figured since the priest knew more then I did, he was a good person to ask. Silly me, I was using logic.

That, however, was really tame compared to the harassment I got from my peers. They would do things like talk about how I was going to Hell because I didn't believe in Jesus, that my family was going to suffer because of me, and that my lack of faith was the reason why my elderly great-grandmother died. (It was Alzheimer disease, but I had a hard time grasping that.) Now, you may ask, why did the topic of religion even come up when I was going to a secular school. The problem is one teacher decided to demand to ask us all 'who made you?' one day. My peers answered 'god' and I answered 'my parents.' I had a rough understanding of where babies came from, even in 3rd grade. The teacher flipped her lid, banished me out of her class room with the classmate who she some how learned was Jewish. We spent a good half year stuck in the hallway because of that shit. I think this is part of the reason why I have so much difficulty with multiplication, to be honest.

But, when that little fact came out, all the bullies used it as fodder to harass me. And it got nasty. As I got older and I started trying to make sense of how the world worked and fumbling my way through theological concepts, I had people who would ambush me with this demand that I convert to their faith or go to hell. I was already getting pushed around in other areas. This was one point that I just couldn't get pushed into because I hit my limit. Thus, the harassment got worse over the years. It wound up with things like my acquiring a reputation as a 'whore' after they decided the epithet 'Satan's whore' was good for me. That resulted in a couple of guys from the local collage propositioning me for sexual favors. I was 14 at the time.

Somewhere around when they started in on the 'Satan's whore' business, I fell into Wicca. As I learned about the history and mythos of the faith, I got angry. So, when someone decided to use my 'godless' status as an excuse to shove me into a locker, I grabbed 'em by the lapels and used their momentum to slam them into a locker while telling them quite loudly to stop mocking my religion. I stayed 'loud and proud' for a long time. Heck, I was one of the two token pagans at the Catholic private college I attended. (The other being my best friend. The nuns were wonderful to us. Our peers were apparently afraid of me but decided to physically harass my friend. She didn't let me know about it until years after the fact. I was livid on her behalf. She said it was sweet of me.)

No, I got quiet after I had kids. Why did I get quiet after I had kids, because it was no longer just me and my husband to worry about. And my husband is a big guy, he can handle pretty much anything that gets thrown at him and does it well. But having these two little boys to worry about, I got progressively quieter and quieter about my faith until I all but stopped practicing for a while there. (Loki had some choice words to say about that. Pointedly reminded me the worst they could do was kill me, because they really couldn't do anything else beyond that due to the fact that the rest of the family would step in to protect the boys if needed. He also reminded me that I am a fighter and that fighting was an option. Somehow, I forgot that.)

I guess it was a few weeks ago, as the kids started talking about Easter (actually, I think the itch started closer to Christmas) that I got to feeling angry that they were being indoctrinated passively into the Christian faith. And it hit me that if I didn't give them any sort of grounding, someone else would. And, quite frankly, the variety of Christians around my neck of the woods has been skewed increasingly towards the Dominionist variety. I'll be damned if I'm going to let them get their mitts on my boys. Those folks are dangerous as fuck.

So, I am taking steps to come out of the broomcloset that I found myself in and moving towards actively teaching the boys about my faith. Beloved is indifferent to the subject of religion, though he is happy to support what I say and willing to explain things in the terms of the Norse faith (as much as he understands). I did some divination on this recently. I was told to focus on family traditions and ancestor worship as a way to start the process of their spiritual education. While my household will probably never be one for saying grace before the meal (I thank the lives that give us our sustenance as I am cooking and do my best to honor them through creating the best meal I can each time. It seems to work.) I think we need to have some more formalized activity of worship going on.

With Easter coming, I will be doing something for Ostara. It will be small and the kids are probably going to be happier that they're getting a special surprise rather then anything else. And I'm going to start making active things for honoring the gods that the kids can do. They're not old enough to light candles on their own but maybe the electric tea lights will count. And I know there will be someway to put out offerings as the weather gets nice.

At the same time, I am terrified that the neighbors are going to do horrible, horrible things to us for this. And I am saddened and angered by that fear. Even more so that, on some level, it is justified.

Letters to Loki #17 - WTF was I thinking?

Sly Fox,

I think I bit off more then I could chew this time. I thought that spring break would be no big deal and that the kids would be ok. I dared to think I could actually get some stuff done that didn't require my being in the room at all times. Oh was I wrong. There wasn't fights but there was so much screaming and whining. Every time I left the room to do something, I had a tail. Snuggle Bug always followed me when I went to use the bathroom and stood outside the door asking me what I was doing repeatedly.

We had a little excitement when the power company came out and replaced a telephone pole near our place. The kids had their noses pressed to the windows and were making excited squealing noises as they watched the equipment. It was rainy and cold, so we didn't go outside to watch. Which I think was ultimately a good thing because the boys really wanted to go talk to the guys working and see their truck up close.

Still, I think I need to lower my expectations for myself for this week. While I wanted to get another book started this week, I think that is just going to wait until the kids go back to school. I may, however, get somewhat caught up posting book reviews, if the kids let me. That requires a bit less quite and concentration. I am reading the last book in the Harry Potter series and I honestly don't get what the big deal is with it all. I know that you've also strongly recommended I read it and I'm trying to keep an open mind but I'm just not feeling anything for this.

Though, I do believe the whole kerfulffle over the death of Dumbledor had your fingerprints all over it. Seriously, the outcry over this death getting spoiled for the other readers was damn near epic and insane all at the same time. I've been of a mixed mind as to how to treat possible spoilers for my readers. I think I can discuss the content of the books with out giving away the details of the plot. But I don't believe I am going to post spoiler warnings. Those things just irritate the daylights out of me.

Ah well, that's what's on my mind today. I suspect tomorrow will be another day of my questioning my sanity if the weather is as rotten as it was today and we're still cooped up indoors.

Equinox, Super Moon, and a Solar Eclipse walk into a bar...

New Egg Moon (Age: 0 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cold, partly cloudy,

light breezes and snow flurries

Snow Pack: 1 in, approx.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Magically, I can feel the tides are pretty high right now. There's a lot going on celestially with the equinox, super moon, and solar eclipse happening today. I haven't been doing any magic today because I have been busy with the kids being home from school. Also, I have had the distinct feeling that I should refrain from it until after Hiatus is over. I did notice, however, that at the time of the solar eclipse, I did briefly awaken from sleep (as it was 3 am here and all was dark). I don't think, however, that was of much significance because my reason for awakening was due to my husband's snoring. (As my psych issues have improved, I have found that I sleep a bit lighter but get more rest. I don't claim to understand it.)

I was going to observe a partial fast today and made it to the middle of the day. Then I grabbed something quick from the store on my way to a parent-teacher conference and my abstaining from sugar got shot by the bottle of cola I had. I did manage to refrain from meat until dinner, so I suppose that counts as a success. I wanted to at least keep myself in some sense restrained in my observance of Hiatus and I didn't do quite as well as I had wanted. Life got in the way as it had through out the whole of Moura.

Last night, as I was falling asleep and communing with Freyr, I talked about my frustrations with keeping such things. He was bemused and told me that he was my dispensation from austerity. I was a bit flustered by this. It seems that Freyr is becoming more of a primary figure in my spiritual experiences. This is not too much of a surprise because of the relationship I am in with him. At the same time, I thought that things with Dea were going to stay very focused and front and center. When asking Freyr about this, he smiled and told me that she was still there and interested in me. My vow to her still binds me and Freyr will not contraindicate it. But he also told me that I was focusing too much on the 'form' of worship rather then the 'heart' of it.

Again, he was bemused with me as he said it. Called me his 'overly serious scholar' and told me that I am in no way to become something like an anchorite. It threw me for a bit of a loop until I realized that my tendency to cloister myself away from the world was less a spiritual act and more of an outgrowth of my social phobia. He was quick to tell me that solitude is part of my path but I needed to be in the world more. I was also told that I needed to reacquire my sense of humor or Loki was going to 'help' with that. 

I'll be honest, the little bit of playful 'malice' with Freyr's comment flustered me more and made me more apprehensive then the prospect of Loki helping me find humor. Loki's been laughing at this all day. Generally going with comments along the lines of "You're getting what you asked for. It's adorable to watch you flail. He should do this more often." and "Bit off more then you could chew, I guess you'll need to swallow." The latter was accompanied by some explicit gestures. Which rather made me flustered again and Flame Hair laughed again. I don't know why, but I forget that Loki's sense of humor does include a fair amount of lewdness. When he displays it (he was suggesting I use the phrase 'whips it out', for example), I tend to get mildly embarrassed and flustered. He jokes that I am a prude because of this and makes a point of making such comments at times where it gets a particularly strong response.

I wound up through a confluence of incidents going out to do stuff out of the house in public with out my head covered but my hair bound (in a very loose fashion by a ponytail). It felt somewhat odd. I have the feeling that my taboo is relaxing somewhat as my hair lengthens, though I am still encouraged to do so and have my hair bound up in some fashion when I go out of the house. The silence from Dea has me unsure if this is the case or my misinterpreting things.

At the time of the equinox, the boys and I were actively cleaning the house. I think this sets a tone for what the season will be like. We were working relatively well together and I wasn't overly stressed out by it. I hope this means that the season will exhibit more of this. I haven't done divination yet for the season and the upcoming liturgical year. I'm going to do that tomorrow at the beginning of the liturgical year.

Dreams.

Waning Worm Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: cold, clear skies

Snow pack: 1-2 inches where 

it remains

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been having angry dreams of late. One has me battling a shadowy, superior foe. In that dream, I am grievously injured but I fight on. As the battle continues, my injuries become greater. At the end of the dream, I am so wounded that I should drop to the ground dead. I fight on, declaring in a savage growl, "I don't die."

The other dream is also one of combat. I am facing an army of draugar. I am unable to retreat. I take up a defensive position at a bottleneck on high ground. I hack and hew the bodies of my foes. At one point, I briefly consider ending my own life when I become extremely exhausted. Then, I angrily decide that I will fight until I die, taking down as many of my foes as I possibly can in the process.

I know that my dreams relate to my ptsd on one level. I have a feeling, however, that there is something on another level that gives them another meaning. I just can't puzzle it out.

Letters to Loki # 16: Running in Circles

Hey there Sly One,

Boy was last week a roller coaster ride. I am so thankful that my grandmother is doing well now. I don't know why she was having the health issues she was but the fact that she is recovering and at home now is a huge relief. I am a little frustrated with some of the things that happened to create some of the problem but I recognize that there really is nothing I can do to influence that so I am doing my best not to worry about it. I am still somewhat concerned for my mother, but I know that she has my father there to help her out. All of the stress from my maternal grandmother's health scare and from caring for my paternal grandmother (who is suffering from dementia) is wearing on my parents and I worry about them. Frustratingly, however, there really is nothing I can do to be of help. I know if there was, they'd tell me. I pray for them but sometimes it really doesn't feel like enough.

Speaking of prayer, the list of people whom I am praying for grew by a significant factor last week. It makes me disappointed that so many people are having so much trouble right now. I pray for them and I encourage some folks who I am associated with to pray for them as well, but I really would like to do something more concrete to be of help. I am, however, recognizing that there are limitations to what I can do and not pushing myself beyond my limits. I suppose I have learned some measure of moderation after all. I don't know when that happened, however. Must be part of this whole being an adult business.

The cleaning and such for Moura is almost finished. I have to admit, Freyr's admonishment to take a step back from working on my books has been helpful. It has allowed me to address the various problems that have popped up over the last few weeks with out feeling guilty that I wasn't working on a manuscript. I don't think I am going to manage to get fully caught up on my spinning by the time the Equinox hits, but I don't feel too upset about that. Again, I think this is a sign that I am making progress in not being so damn hard on myself.

I have been working on a shawl for Angrboda. I feel a little unhappy because I have made mistakes and had to rip it out to do over again. The pattern is really simple but I seem to keep flubbing things up with it. I am trying to keep a good sense of humor about it all and being less of a perfectionist with it. That, however, has been really hard. I do find myself wondering if the fact that this thing is a royal purple will suit her well. It was, however, the deepest shade of yarn that I had which is not earmarked for other projects. The rate that I am going through this ball of yarn, however, I may be forced to do the design element that initially came to mind. The ombré shades of purple to white may look good, but I kinda felt that doing the whole thing in dark purple would have worked better. I will, however, do what is necessary to get this done in a timely fashion.

I'm not sure why but I have the strongest sense that I need to finish this shawl by the end of the month. Considering that I am about a quarter of the way done, I think I will accomplish that with a little bit of time to spare. I still haven't gotten back to that embroidery project. I have hit something of a creative block with it. I just can't figure out what I am going to do next on it. I want to finish it but I am out of ideas. I have tried looking in my craft books, my embroidery handbook, and at projects others have done, but nothing captures my imagination. I suppose that is going to sit for a while longer.

This big shawl that I am knitting out of the camouflage yarn is almost finished. I have three sections to do and it will be ready to be blocked. I have no idea where I am going to block it out, though, because this thing is too big to do anywhere except in the middle of the living room. I don't have those foam blocking mats. So, I may just be giving it to the recipient unblocked. Fortunately, however, the yarn is acrylic and easy to care for. I will be soaking it in fabric softener and running it through a hot wash to soften up the yarn when I have this thing done. My hope is that it will make it a bit more even in texture and softer on the skin. If I have to, I suppose I could kill the yarn but I don't know where I'll be ironing this thing out. Again, that whole lack of workspace business.

I have been working towards doing more with Keen. I still feel really nervous about talking to unfamiliar people but I am doing my best not to avoid it. Hopefully, I will manage to be more active now that life has settled down some. These last two weeks were just too chaotic for me to really get involved with that. It makes me dread the coming spring break and summer. I don't know how I am going to manage being more active on Keen with the kids home and running around. I am sure I'll think of something, but it makes me nervous.

I suppose that's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I have some housework to take care of, so I'll just wrap this up with one final thought. I really deeply appreciate how you have been so supportive over the last few weeks. Reminding me not to take everything so damn seriously is probably the biggest thing I appreciate. It's a bad habit that I just can't seem to shake yet. I am sure I will in time. But, thank you again for being my friend and helping out.

Letters to Loki # 15: Rambling.

Dear Crazy Uncle of Thor,

I'm not sure what to write this week. It has been a hard start because my maternal grandmother is in the hospital. I'm real worried about her. I'm trying not to perseverate on it all, but it keeps creeping up. In addition to being worried about her, I'm concerned for my mother. The stress of taking care of my paternal grandmother is wearing on her and my Dad. This business with her mom being in the hospital has to be making that another ten times worse.

I have been doing as Freyr strongly encouraged (understatement but I can't think of a better way to phrase it right now) and taking a break from working on books right now. It's sort of funny because I can't stop thinking about the books I could be working on. It is a little bit maddening but I know I'll get through it. I was excited to hear that someone who was loaned a copy of my fantasy book really wants to buy at least two copies. I'm still sticking with the plan that you and Freyr came up with. The limited run of the book with the last stage of 'draft' material in it is going to be coming to a close in a little while as I fix the cosmetic points and such. I know that you guys think this will make it something of a cult collectible but I'm not sure how well that will work out. Still, I'm sticking with the plan.

I have the shopping back of stuff to donate about a quarter of the way full. I don't think this skein of white yarn is ever going to end. I'm getting bored with it and tempted to just drop it and start on the colored one. I am a bit baffled, however, as to why the cuffs are coming out with some variation in the width of them. I do everything the same, keep the same tension on the yarn, and I know that there's no alteration in the number of stitches. It's just plain weird. And it only shows up after the mittens have sat for a few minutes. I am utterly confused by this development.

The only other thing I can think to add is why on earth do you insist that Fireball whiskey goes well with french vanilla coffee? I tried it and it was horrible. Seriously, I'm never doing that again. You can keep that version all for yourself. If I want to add a little booze to my french vanilla coffee, I'll just do a splash of vanilla liqueur.

Devotional knitting in the near future?

Full Worm Moon (age: 15 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Unseasonable cold, clear skies

Snow pack: 13 inches 

(prev. measurement was estimates)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have started thinking about knitting another shawl as a devotional activity. I'm almost finished with a shawl I'm currently knitting for my sister-in-law. I saw this pattern and decided I had to do it for Freya. The fact that it is named for her is a happy coincidence.

I haven't decided what colors I want to use for it. I am leaning towards the blues and knitting it out of the silk that I have been spinning. I feel a bit intimidated by this because I have never really knitted lace before. I think, however, the only way to learn is by doing.

I have gotten back on track with my spring cleaning for Moura. While I haven't busted out the vacuum cleaner, I have most of the apartment clean right now. I also have gone through my mass of papers and tidied that up. I am hoping to get that manuscript out to my beta readers by the end of the weekend. I've been too busy and nervous about it to do so before now. But, I want to at least get it off to people to read it before I push to publish it. I have been refraining from working on any more big writing projects as per Freyr's directive.

It has oddly been enforced by way of coincidences getting in the way of it all. I suppose this may be part of the reason why I needed to take this breather. He has also been strongly pushing me to take the season of Moura as a time for rest and recovery. It makes me think that spring is going to be bringing some challenges. As it is the full moon, I am going to do a little observance of it with the kids. This time, I think we're going to try doing some kind of activity. I'm just not sure what it is going to be yet.

Letters to Loki # 14: I hate ice.

Hello there Sly Fox,

Today has been a maddening day. I could have gotten through it easier if it wasn't for the ice at the end of the day. I wound up having the 15 min drive to pick up Beloved from work turn into a 45 minute drive. I was not pleased and I was also really uncomfortable with the other drivers. I had one crazy bastard damn near sideswipe me. I know I was solidly in my lane hugging the white line. To say that my back is still tense and knotted up is really making an understatement.

I appreciate your moral support through that drive. And the fact that you weren't making smart cracks about the other drivers, which would have been amusing under better circumstances, is something else that I really appreciated this evening. It helped me concentrate, which was really challenging with how the roads were. It made me reconsider living in western New York. I, however, have that thought go through my head about a half dozen times over the course of the winter. So, I guess that isn't exactly news.

My eldest has strep throat right now. The doctor was surprised because he never had it before now. This is literally the first time he has been on antibiotics. I'm trying not to worry about him having an allergic reaction. It is, however, something that kinda has me uneasy. I've been telling myself that if he hasn't had a reaction yet after having his first two doses, then he is most likely not going to have a problem. It feels like I'm blowing smoke up my own arse.

The strep throat thing is strangely not of a concern for me. There have been a few cases in the area of strep migrating from the throat to another region of the body and it turning into 'flesh eating microbe of doom' (if you listen to how some of my neighbors sqawk about it). The doctors office isn't playing around when it comes to strep throat right now. I think it's part of the reason why my son is on the aggressive dosage schedule that he has right now for what the doctor said was a mild case. I'm confident that the penicillin will wipe out the strep.

I am eyeballs deep in housework that needs done. Somehow, over the last three days, I have managed to have dishes overflowing the sink and the living room looking like something that would horrify my mother. I think, however, that tomorrow I may actually be able to make some headway into getting that resolved because I'll actually be home all day. I feel a little guilty that the kitchen is such a mess but I know that it will be the first thing I take care of tomorrow after I put the youngest on the bus to school.

Speaking of my youngest son, he brought some some artwork that was very nice. I don't know how he made it and I don't know how much help he had in it. At the same time, however, it came out looking like modern art. You know, the good stuff, not Jackson Pollack. I have hung it up in the back hallway with his brother's artwork. I'm probably going to run out of space for the boys' work. A part of me says I should save all their artwork as momentos for when they get older. Then I ask myself if it really is reasonable to do that on top of the scrapbooks that I've been making them. (Which I need to update with all the stuff from the last year. I was going to do that in January but somehow it and February flew by so fast that I didn't manage it.)

I am still stumped on what to make for Sigyn and Angrboda. That wild idea that I should make something is sticking but I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be really awesome. I know that Sigyn is associated with butterflies. I kinda think that a cross-stitched Blue Morpho might be good for her, but I'm honestly not sure. With Angrboda, I have no idea where to begin. I feel that I should get to know her but I keep stumbling over my own feet. (I seem to keep doing that. Perhaps I need dance lessons to correct this stumbling business.)

Well, I have to go. I had a few other ideas I wanted to share but it is literally past my bedtime. (This being a responsible adult business is not as awesome as I thought it was going to be as a kid, sometimes.)

Letters to Loki # 13: lolwut?

Dear Loki,

I am not sure if the sky diving dream was of your engineering or the random burbling of my subconscious. It was, however, a very strange thing. I still am shaking my head at it. Fortunately, however, it was not a nightmare. I have this thing about heights and yet in the dream it didn't come up. I don't think that means it has gone away. Maybe, however, I have reached a point where I can stand on a ladder with out feeling like I'm going to fall off at any minute. I've been doing a bit better about replacing light bulbs in the overhead lights.

I think that I need to find something better for my coffee. This stuff is ok but it is getting a bit tiresome. I wonder if part of the problem is that it is a little bit stale. I'm not sure. I do know that the instant coffee with the cinnamon in it was a terrible purchase. I confess, I should have listened to you on that one. Strangely enough, though, Beloved actually likes it. He described it pretty well as the bastard lovechild of chai and coffee. I enjoy both things but apparently they must remain separate.

I finished that manuscript today. The last three pages were not that easy but now it is done. I'm going to send it off to my beta readers after I check through it to make sure that I don't have any glaring typos or errors. My overly optimistic idea of getting this thing done by Eastre wasn't realistic. I think I may have been doing a bit of manic thinking at that time. Which is kinda weird because I was in the middle of a depressive episode. I think I am going to just give up on understanding how my brain works. Each time I think I have a handle on it, something else comes along to confuse me.

I think you were right in picking out that mixed berry scented candle. I wasn't too sure about it but the scent has grown on me. It doesn't smell like jam, which they promised, but it is not too bad. I also am flattered that you like the doily I made. I think you're right. It did come out really well for a first attempt that happened to be my own design. It makes me think I should attempt one of those patterns that I have seen on the web. I'm not going to start anything right now because I really have to finish this shawl I've been knitting on since August last year. I have been getting concerned that the boys are going to take it off the needles. So, I am going to finish it.

The funny thing is, I am seriously thinking about making another shawl when this thing is done. I don't think that I have space for more shawls. But I want to keep this one I've been working on and I want to make myself a lace one. I'm not sure if I want to do lace crochet or lace knitting with it. I have two balls of black crochet cotton (size 10) that I picked out for the project. I want to do my first lace shawl project in something that if I have to rip out, I don't need to worry too much if the thread breaks.

Your suggestion about giving etsy another try makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to do something with all the stuff I have been making. I just worry that I am going to do really poorly with it. You are right, however, I should specialize in a few things rather then doing a little bit of everything. I'm still thinking about it. The etsy account is still set up. I haven't given everything away. Actually, I haven't given anything away right now. I just worry that I don't have the proverbial spoons for this.

Skydiving weddings and stuff.

Waxing Worm Moon (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: bitterly cold,

snow is projected

Snowpack: 2.5 ft, approx.?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell asleep on the couch this morning. I had a headache and figured sleeping would make it go away because coffee and tylenol wasn't touching it. Fortunately, sleep did cure my headache but boy did I have some strange dreams. I dreamed that I officiated a polyamorous wedding that just happened to be done mid-air whilst skydiving. As someone who thinks jumping out of perfectly good airplanes is crazy talk, I was baffled by this dream. 

I also dreamed that I was shoveling endless amounts of snow. I know that one is the fruit of the recent weather and the fact that I have been doing a lot of snow shoveling. As I said elsewhere, I think the only positive I can see about this bitterly cold and snowy weather is that I am getting a good workout when I shovel. The dream was strangely pleasant. I didn't feel like Sisyphus but rather like an excavator working a gold strike. There was excitement about shoveling that I, honestly, haven't felt since I was a child and shoveling snow meant there was more to use in making snowforts and snowmen. Perhaps the dream is some encouragement from my unconscious mind to take time to go out and play in the snow with the kids. If the weather isn't so blastedly bitter, perhaps we'll do something.

I haven't been doing much on my tarot reading stuff. I pretty much gave up hope of having the energy and focus to do it with this last, extended depressive episode. I was still in the midst of that despairing mindset when a friend on Facebook asked me for a tarot reading. It went really well and Loki nudged me in the shoulder kinda hard. I guess I am better at this tarot reading stuff then I feel I am. As per his encouragement, I am back on Keen attempting to do this stuff again. It is kinda hard because I'm, quite frankly, afraid of other people. Social phobia is hugely a problem when it comes to marketing and being able to take calls. Still, Loki thinks I can do it and do it well. So I'm going to jump back into this with both feet and hope the water isn't too cold.

I've been trying to reach out to Odin to get his thoughts on a few things. I have a feeling that I've been dreaming of him at night. The problem is, I don't really remember the dreams too well when I wake up in the morning. I think I'm going to sit down with one of my many divination tools and do a question and answer session. I am leaning towards using runes, though I feel a little gunshy on that one. I kinda had my self confidence shaken a little while back when I forgot the meanings of them. I suppose this is another thing that I should just jump back in with both feet and give it the old college try. (Idioms, what idioms?)

Letters to Loki # 12 - Vacation Days, yay.

Dear Wolf's Father,

The kids are on vacation this week from school. I'm not sure what we're going to do if the weather stays so bitterly cold. The arctic chill has been enough that the front entryway of the building is nearly as cold as my refrigerator. It's a kinda weird experience. It is currently -3^o F outside with the sun shining and a few clouds in the sky. I hope that the day doesn't turn out like yesterday and the temperature dropped during the daylight hours. It wasn't too kind to my knees for this weather to be so nasty.

My mood is doing a lot better now. It seems that the medication adjustment was what I needed. I feel a bit like a fool for not saying something before but I suppose I can count that as a learning experience. I have to say, I rather like my new psychiatric care person. She's a registered nurse rather then a psychiatrist. She seems to actually believe me when I mention that I am having difficulty with something. I don't have to defend my symptoms or otherwise deal with someone who is adversarial in their approach to my care. I like that. I also like the fact that she doesn't talk down to me, like how some of my past psychiatrists did.

I'm still about 60 pages behind where I wanted to be. I honestly don't think I am going to finish this thing by the 19th, which was my deadline. This irritates me but I'm not ripping on myself for it. I feel a bit pressured but I recognize that the only one pressuring me is myself. I am going to do what I can over the course of this week. If I get lucky and finish this thing by the 19th, I am going to be really surprised. The kids are awful distracting and make it hard for me to focus on my writing. I suppose this is a foretaste of what the summer is going to be like.

On the whole, however, I'm doing better then I was last week. Who knows, maybe I'll get a good deal of writing done today and some housework. If I get even five pages done, that counts as a significant number.

Dreams from Last Night.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 27 Days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy

Snow pack:  Approx 3 ft

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have three dreams I remember clearly from last night. One was of a young woman who was from an Asian-American family. I think she was around seventeen or so. The young woman was depressed and feeling like she couldn't accomplish anything. Her aunt took her to an antique store. As they were walking around, the aunt told her to pick what she liked from the store. The young woman found an old cookbook. As she opened the cookbook and looked at it, the pages became those of a photo album with very old pictures of her family in it. As she looked at those pictures, her sense of depression lifted and she picked up another cookbook. It was another book that transformed into a photo album. She was then standing with her mother in the front room of their house holding the books. Her mother said "We'll move Uncle Jun (Pronounced like June.) out of your room and your grandmother in." The girl was much happier then.

The second dream that I recall is of watching a family of Native Americans fleeing before a group of armed colonial soldiers. As they ran, they were torn between bringing their few belongings with them and just out right flight. The entire scene made me sad and I felt powerless to do anything about it. Before this dream ended, I had Enigma's Silent Warrior in my ears, specifically the chorus.

The third dream, I was sitting in a scriptorium of a monastery with a thick stack of vellum before me. To my left there was a book with an illuminated manuscript contained in it. To my right, there was a jar of ink and a steel tipped quill pen. The ink was the color of heart's blood. I looked at the book I was supposed to be copying and the letters swam on the page. The figures in the illustrations moved and fought with each other. I was cold and my hands hurt terribly. As I struggled to read the page to copy it, a wizened old man stood nearby chanting in a language that sounded roughly like Latin but wasn't.

I think the first dream is addressing something about my family but I'm not entirely sure what. The second one was most likely the result of listening to Silent Warrior several times yesterday as I was writing. The third dream, I'm confident, has to do with my frustration with the manuscript I'm writing.

Letters to Loki # 11 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.

The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.

It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.

I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.

I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.

Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.