Letters to Loki # 14: I hate ice.

Hello there Sly Fox,

Today has been a maddening day. I could have gotten through it easier if it wasn't for the ice at the end of the day. I wound up having the 15 min drive to pick up Beloved from work turn into a 45 minute drive. I was not pleased and I was also really uncomfortable with the other drivers. I had one crazy bastard damn near sideswipe me. I know I was solidly in my lane hugging the white line. To say that my back is still tense and knotted up is really making an understatement.

I appreciate your moral support through that drive. And the fact that you weren't making smart cracks about the other drivers, which would have been amusing under better circumstances, is something else that I really appreciated this evening. It helped me concentrate, which was really challenging with how the roads were. It made me reconsider living in western New York. I, however, have that thought go through my head about a half dozen times over the course of the winter. So, I guess that isn't exactly news.

My eldest has strep throat right now. The doctor was surprised because he never had it before now. This is literally the first time he has been on antibiotics. I'm trying not to worry about him having an allergic reaction. It is, however, something that kinda has me uneasy. I've been telling myself that if he hasn't had a reaction yet after having his first two doses, then he is most likely not going to have a problem. It feels like I'm blowing smoke up my own arse.

The strep throat thing is strangely not of a concern for me. There have been a few cases in the area of strep migrating from the throat to another region of the body and it turning into 'flesh eating microbe of doom' (if you listen to how some of my neighbors sqawk about it). The doctors office isn't playing around when it comes to strep throat right now. I think it's part of the reason why my son is on the aggressive dosage schedule that he has right now for what the doctor said was a mild case. I'm confident that the penicillin will wipe out the strep.

I am eyeballs deep in housework that needs done. Somehow, over the last three days, I have managed to have dishes overflowing the sink and the living room looking like something that would horrify my mother. I think, however, that tomorrow I may actually be able to make some headway into getting that resolved because I'll actually be home all day. I feel a little guilty that the kitchen is such a mess but I know that it will be the first thing I take care of tomorrow after I put the youngest on the bus to school.

Speaking of my youngest son, he brought some some artwork that was very nice. I don't know how he made it and I don't know how much help he had in it. At the same time, however, it came out looking like modern art. You know, the good stuff, not Jackson Pollack. I have hung it up in the back hallway with his brother's artwork. I'm probably going to run out of space for the boys' work. A part of me says I should save all their artwork as momentos for when they get older. Then I ask myself if it really is reasonable to do that on top of the scrapbooks that I've been making them. (Which I need to update with all the stuff from the last year. I was going to do that in January but somehow it and February flew by so fast that I didn't manage it.)

I am still stumped on what to make for Sigyn and Angrboda. That wild idea that I should make something is sticking but I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be really awesome. I know that Sigyn is associated with butterflies. I kinda think that a cross-stitched Blue Morpho might be good for her, but I'm honestly not sure. With Angrboda, I have no idea where to begin. I feel that I should get to know her but I keep stumbling over my own feet. (I seem to keep doing that. Perhaps I need dance lessons to correct this stumbling business.)

Well, I have to go. I had a few other ideas I wanted to share but it is literally past my bedtime. (This being a responsible adult business is not as awesome as I thought it was going to be as a kid, sometimes.)

Letters to Loki # 13: lolwut?

Dear Loki,

I am not sure if the sky diving dream was of your engineering or the random burbling of my subconscious. It was, however, a very strange thing. I still am shaking my head at it. Fortunately, however, it was not a nightmare. I have this thing about heights and yet in the dream it didn't come up. I don't think that means it has gone away. Maybe, however, I have reached a point where I can stand on a ladder with out feeling like I'm going to fall off at any minute. I've been doing a bit better about replacing light bulbs in the overhead lights.

I think that I need to find something better for my coffee. This stuff is ok but it is getting a bit tiresome. I wonder if part of the problem is that it is a little bit stale. I'm not sure. I do know that the instant coffee with the cinnamon in it was a terrible purchase. I confess, I should have listened to you on that one. Strangely enough, though, Beloved actually likes it. He described it pretty well as the bastard lovechild of chai and coffee. I enjoy both things but apparently they must remain separate.

I finished that manuscript today. The last three pages were not that easy but now it is done. I'm going to send it off to my beta readers after I check through it to make sure that I don't have any glaring typos or errors. My overly optimistic idea of getting this thing done by Eastre wasn't realistic. I think I may have been doing a bit of manic thinking at that time. Which is kinda weird because I was in the middle of a depressive episode. I think I am going to just give up on understanding how my brain works. Each time I think I have a handle on it, something else comes along to confuse me.

I think you were right in picking out that mixed berry scented candle. I wasn't too sure about it but the scent has grown on me. It doesn't smell like jam, which they promised, but it is not too bad. I also am flattered that you like the doily I made. I think you're right. It did come out really well for a first attempt that happened to be my own design. It makes me think I should attempt one of those patterns that I have seen on the web. I'm not going to start anything right now because I really have to finish this shawl I've been knitting on since August last year. I have been getting concerned that the boys are going to take it off the needles. So, I am going to finish it.

The funny thing is, I am seriously thinking about making another shawl when this thing is done. I don't think that I have space for more shawls. But I want to keep this one I've been working on and I want to make myself a lace one. I'm not sure if I want to do lace crochet or lace knitting with it. I have two balls of black crochet cotton (size 10) that I picked out for the project. I want to do my first lace shawl project in something that if I have to rip out, I don't need to worry too much if the thread breaks.

Your suggestion about giving etsy another try makes me uncomfortable. I know I need to do something with all the stuff I have been making. I just worry that I am going to do really poorly with it. You are right, however, I should specialize in a few things rather then doing a little bit of everything. I'm still thinking about it. The etsy account is still set up. I haven't given everything away. Actually, I haven't given anything away right now. I just worry that I don't have the proverbial spoons for this.

Skydiving weddings and stuff.

Waxing Worm Moon (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: bitterly cold,

snow is projected

Snowpack: 2.5 ft, approx.?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell asleep on the couch this morning. I had a headache and figured sleeping would make it go away because coffee and tylenol wasn't touching it. Fortunately, sleep did cure my headache but boy did I have some strange dreams. I dreamed that I officiated a polyamorous wedding that just happened to be done mid-air whilst skydiving. As someone who thinks jumping out of perfectly good airplanes is crazy talk, I was baffled by this dream. 

I also dreamed that I was shoveling endless amounts of snow. I know that one is the fruit of the recent weather and the fact that I have been doing a lot of snow shoveling. As I said elsewhere, I think the only positive I can see about this bitterly cold and snowy weather is that I am getting a good workout when I shovel. The dream was strangely pleasant. I didn't feel like Sisyphus but rather like an excavator working a gold strike. There was excitement about shoveling that I, honestly, haven't felt since I was a child and shoveling snow meant there was more to use in making snowforts and snowmen. Perhaps the dream is some encouragement from my unconscious mind to take time to go out and play in the snow with the kids. If the weather isn't so blastedly bitter, perhaps we'll do something.

I haven't been doing much on my tarot reading stuff. I pretty much gave up hope of having the energy and focus to do it with this last, extended depressive episode. I was still in the midst of that despairing mindset when a friend on Facebook asked me for a tarot reading. It went really well and Loki nudged me in the shoulder kinda hard. I guess I am better at this tarot reading stuff then I feel I am. As per his encouragement, I am back on Keen attempting to do this stuff again. It is kinda hard because I'm, quite frankly, afraid of other people. Social phobia is hugely a problem when it comes to marketing and being able to take calls. Still, Loki thinks I can do it and do it well. So I'm going to jump back into this with both feet and hope the water isn't too cold.

I've been trying to reach out to Odin to get his thoughts on a few things. I have a feeling that I've been dreaming of him at night. The problem is, I don't really remember the dreams too well when I wake up in the morning. I think I'm going to sit down with one of my many divination tools and do a question and answer session. I am leaning towards using runes, though I feel a little gunshy on that one. I kinda had my self confidence shaken a little while back when I forgot the meanings of them. I suppose this is another thing that I should just jump back in with both feet and give it the old college try. (Idioms, what idioms?)

Letters to Loki # 12 - Vacation Days, yay.

Dear Wolf's Father,

The kids are on vacation this week from school. I'm not sure what we're going to do if the weather stays so bitterly cold. The arctic chill has been enough that the front entryway of the building is nearly as cold as my refrigerator. It's a kinda weird experience. It is currently -3^o F outside with the sun shining and a few clouds in the sky. I hope that the day doesn't turn out like yesterday and the temperature dropped during the daylight hours. It wasn't too kind to my knees for this weather to be so nasty.

My mood is doing a lot better now. It seems that the medication adjustment was what I needed. I feel a bit like a fool for not saying something before but I suppose I can count that as a learning experience. I have to say, I rather like my new psychiatric care person. She's a registered nurse rather then a psychiatrist. She seems to actually believe me when I mention that I am having difficulty with something. I don't have to defend my symptoms or otherwise deal with someone who is adversarial in their approach to my care. I like that. I also like the fact that she doesn't talk down to me, like how some of my past psychiatrists did.

I'm still about 60 pages behind where I wanted to be. I honestly don't think I am going to finish this thing by the 19th, which was my deadline. This irritates me but I'm not ripping on myself for it. I feel a bit pressured but I recognize that the only one pressuring me is myself. I am going to do what I can over the course of this week. If I get lucky and finish this thing by the 19th, I am going to be really surprised. The kids are awful distracting and make it hard for me to focus on my writing. I suppose this is a foretaste of what the summer is going to be like.

On the whole, however, I'm doing better then I was last week. Who knows, maybe I'll get a good deal of writing done today and some housework. If I get even five pages done, that counts as a significant number.

Dreams from Last Night.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 27 Days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy

Snow pack:  Approx 3 ft

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have three dreams I remember clearly from last night. One was of a young woman who was from an Asian-American family. I think she was around seventeen or so. The young woman was depressed and feeling like she couldn't accomplish anything. Her aunt took her to an antique store. As they were walking around, the aunt told her to pick what she liked from the store. The young woman found an old cookbook. As she opened the cookbook and looked at it, the pages became those of a photo album with very old pictures of her family in it. As she looked at those pictures, her sense of depression lifted and she picked up another cookbook. It was another book that transformed into a photo album. She was then standing with her mother in the front room of their house holding the books. Her mother said "We'll move Uncle Jun (Pronounced like June.) out of your room and your grandmother in." The girl was much happier then.

The second dream that I recall is of watching a family of Native Americans fleeing before a group of armed colonial soldiers. As they ran, they were torn between bringing their few belongings with them and just out right flight. The entire scene made me sad and I felt powerless to do anything about it. Before this dream ended, I had Enigma's Silent Warrior in my ears, specifically the chorus.

The third dream, I was sitting in a scriptorium of a monastery with a thick stack of vellum before me. To my left there was a book with an illuminated manuscript contained in it. To my right, there was a jar of ink and a steel tipped quill pen. The ink was the color of heart's blood. I looked at the book I was supposed to be copying and the letters swam on the page. The figures in the illustrations moved and fought with each other. I was cold and my hands hurt terribly. As I struggled to read the page to copy it, a wizened old man stood nearby chanting in a language that sounded roughly like Latin but wasn't.

I think the first dream is addressing something about my family but I'm not entirely sure what. The second one was most likely the result of listening to Silent Warrior several times yesterday as I was writing. The third dream, I'm confident, has to do with my frustration with the manuscript I'm writing.

Letters to Loki # 11 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I've just been wracking my brains on how to move forward on this manuscript. It's been really frustrating. It's bad enough that I realized I'm not going to make the deadline I had set, but to keep getting blocked on what to say is awful. I'm sure that a lot of this is because of my mental health issues and the measures being taken to resolve them. It am fairly confident that I am going to be feeling somewhat more like myself in a few weeks. It just bothers me to no end that I'm not feeling better right now.

The snowfall today was pretty intense. I think I may have over did it when I was shoveling the snow earlier. Honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for a flamethrower a few times. Ok, more then a few times, but you get the picture. I did my best to stay cheerful and pleasant towards everybody I encountered today. I even made a point of returning phone calls, though I just wanted to hole up somewhere and hide from everything. I don't know if this is a sign that I am making progress on the social phobia thing or not. I'm just going to keep taking those small steps in the hopes that maybe I can regain something of my life before I got disabled.

It's been tough trying to come to grips with that fact. Saturday was a really rough day. I wound up crying myself to sleep (quietly) over it all. I am torn between anger that I got like that and this weird mixture of disgust and shame over it. Beloved tells me that it's perfectly reasonable for me to feel so hurt and angry with it all. Freyr tells me that it's ok if I get scared by all this. I just keep getting mad at myself for having those feelings. It's something I'm probably going to bring up when I see my therapist next week. As much as I just wish I could ignore it all and have it magically go away, I know that it isn't going to and attempting to take that approach is going to do me more harm than good.

I feel sad that I don't have something happier to post today. Maybe once the medication adjustment takes full effect, I won't be such a downer. I'm embarrassed to report that the social phobia thing has been making it hard for me to actually sit down and talk with Odin about all of this. I've been panicking that he will be angry and disgusted with me over my weakness. As a result, I have been running in proverbial circles. I know that he's patient but it really is better if I screw my courage to the sticking place and talk to him. I just can't seem to do it, though. Panic overrides me and I sit there staring blankly into space as I perseverate over the idea that the Old Man is going to be angry with me for being disabled.

I am doing my best to keep the 'fragile bone' analogy in mind. It's been hard work to do so, honestly. I wish that mental illness didn't have so much shame attached to it. I wish that people were as willing to extend some consideration on this front as they are for people who have more 'sexy' diseases. But, I guess wishing for something like that is like wishing for the sky to suddenly change color to neon pink or something. There is a possibility it could happen, but the stats say that it's highly unlikely. It's the end of the day, though, so I can say 'fuck it' and go hide or something now. I'm rambling now, so I think I'll end this here.

Thank you, Loki, for being there for me. And for being the voice of logic when I get stuck in a mental loop that's unhealthy. And for making me laugh when I really don't want to. You're an awesome friend and I really appreciate all that you do.

Letters to Loki #10 : Have you seen my marbles? 'n stuff.

Hey there Flamehair,

Sorry about this being a day late. That snowday yesterday threw everything off. I am having a difficult time keeping an even temper over the last several days. I'm not sure if that means I'm going into a mixed episode or if I'm just ticked off with the kids. Either way, it's been hard to be happy about things.

I'm still working on that writing project. I'm getting worried, though, because I only have a few weeks before deadline and I'm starting to think I'm not going to make it. I am trying to stay optimistic but it's been really hard. I managed 30 pages on the manuscript last Thursday and I thought I was going to pull that off today. I have utterly failed at that. It's somewhat shaken my confidence on that front.

I see some of your other god-bothered folk struggling and that upsets me. I know that everybody has different life experiences and different experiences of you. I get that. I also get that you're a frigging god and what I've got to say is worth about as much as spit in the ocean. I'm still going to make the attempt because somebody's gotta do it. You need to ease up on these guys. They're doing the best they can.

You keep telling me not to have such insanely high demands for myself. It's not cool that you turn around and do that with these other folk. You know we humans are fragile in some areas. Could you give a little bit more care for these people? You're not exactly helping your cause by taking the present approach with them. I know, I know you're a god and you see things differently then I do. I know that your priorities are way the fuck different from ours. I get that. But something's gotta give. These people may at some point just say 'fuck you, I'm done.' and leave.

People don't stick around to be hurt repeatedly. Yeah, I know, running from a god is not a successful thing by any stretch of the imagination. But that doesn't stop someone who is intent on getting out. You know that you win more people with sugar then vinegar. How about giving them more sugar then vinegar and being more understanding of their limitations? You do it for me, why can't you do it for them? I know I'm not that much special then other people. We all have to take our britches off to use the can.

I care about you. I know you want these people around or you wouldn't be involved with them at all. How about treating them with some of the care and consideration you give to me? It doesn't cost that much effort and it will probably get you better results then continually 'button mashing'. I may not know how gods work but I kinda have a few ideas about people.

I don't want to see you alienating people who have cared about you. I know what it's like to have people who cared about you just go away. It sucks and I don't want to see that happen for you. It was bad enough when people turned away wholesale in the past. Pushing them away when they're trying to work with you is kinda a dick move, man. Especially when you say you want them to be working with you.

Some folks are probably going to get pissed with this letter. I guess I apologize for that, because it wasn't my intent to piss people off. I'm just asking you cut these people some slack. We're all fragile, not just some of us. That's all I'm saying.

I apologize for the argument last night, by the way. I was the one being dick and I'm sorry. Thanks for not completely kicking my ass over it. Though I would have understood it. So, I guess I've let you know what's up. I've made my attempt at intercession and said what I needed to. If there's something I can do to help things out with those people who are struggling, let me know. Because I want to help you win friends and stuff.

TPE: Humanity

How do you define “humanity”? What is your contribution to the collective space of humanity? How does your spiritual path support this definition and contributions? 
 
I define humanity as homo-sapiens. I believe that there are people who are born with spirits that are not strictly tied to the homo-sapient experience. I believe that the statistical likelihood of someone being born 'other souled' is significant enough that we can not discredit people who state they are having these experiences. The mechanics of being ensouled beings are too fuzzy in our understanding for us to really say there is a hard and fast rule that a person can not have lived previous lifetimes as one of the álfar or some other spiritual being yet to be described.

I don't know what my contribution to the collective space of humanity is. I do my best to be a kind and compassionate woman. I strive to raise my children to be the same. I do my best to stand up and speak on the behalf of those who are voiceless in our society and those who are victims, because I once was voiceless and a victim. I do my best to do what I understand to be the right thing in any given situation and to adhere to my personal code of honor. I also try to remember that other people have their own view upon the matter and take the approach that as long as nobody is getting hurt, then whatever goes.

My spiritual path says in one area that personhood is something that comes with having the ability to make choices. In another area, it basically says if you're homo-sapient then you're human. I rely on the latter because I refuse to deny the humanity of people who are unable to make choices (IE: a person in a persistent vegetative state or someone who has such severe mental illness that making simple decisions are functionally not possible). My spiritual path strongly encourage me to take the positions I do. The input from Filianism exhorts me to be compassionate, kind, and charitable. The input from the traditional witchcraft that I grew up with exhorts me to be responsible for my actions and honorable in my word and deed. The same is true for the heathenry input. All three encourage me to stand up and address injustice when I see it and to keep the greater good in mind when I engage in activities that would impact them.

TPE: B is for Belligerent

Belligerent is not a word most people think of in a positive aspect. Honestly, it is the case of my turning the concept on its ear right now, because belligerent almost always has a negative connotation. You know what else has a negative connotation? Not being part of the mainstream religious set. The farther you move away from that mainstream activity and the more pressure you get from society to bend back into their comfortable norms. The problem is, the norms are comfortable for THEM and not YOU.

When confronting this as a young woman, I got angry. Then I got belligerent. When people did things like called me Satan's whore, I didn't just shrug off their comment. I got right back in their faces and challenged them to prove it. I demanded that they produce evidence that their accusations held water. This lead to a few narrowly avoided physical confrontations and my locker being the target of theft several times. It was, however, something that I just couldn't 'ignore' them and hope it would go away.

People say that if you ignore bullies they'll go away. That's not exactly true. They'll keep at it until they are satisfied with the damage they caused. This means that they'll escalate the harassment until they get the reaction they want out of you. I got belligerent and dug my heels in when I hit the point that the harassment became unmanageable by non-confrontational means. I had people tell me that I was getting angry over nothing, but they weren't in the position of having people telling you all the time that your way of life was wrong and that you deserved what you got (and worse) because you simply weren't Christian. They weren't in a position where they had to struggle with the question of if you said or did the wrong thing, would the bullies go after your younger siblings. (That happened once. That bully had the misfortune of taking on all three of us at once due to that. And we didn't fight fair, we fought with what ever worked. My only regret about that instance is that we didn't draw blood from that little shit.)

Sometimes, you just can't be passive. Sometimes you have to dig your heels in and get ready to fight. The trick is recognizing what battles are worth waging and what ones are not. In the USA, there's been an uptick in the 'conservative' Christian rhetoric. It has lead to people who just want to practice their religion in peace being the subject of harassment that goes beyond someone spitting on your and having terrible things to say about you, your family, and what their opinion of your afterlife is going to be. People are being told that they can't have a church because its not some flavor of Christianity. People are being told that they can't participate in public prayer because they're not part of that accepted group. There are people who are dealing with their lives and livelihoods in danger all because they're openly practicing their religion.

I wish it was as simple as screaming Odin and beating the piss out of the biggest jerk in the room. But we're not kids in the schoolyard anymore. And anyways, the schoolyard has become a more dangerous place over the years. A shoving match and a few punches have been morphing into collective beat-downs. (Do a few google searches on the topic of violence in schools and you'll find evidence of it. It's repulsive.) Now, we have to fight smarter. We have to take the fight into the courts and press it as high and as far as it will go. We have to take the fight into the larger community and reveal the bigots for what they are, generally the western equivalent of the nutjobs who are out there as terrorists in the world. When it becomes necessary to defend ourselves with force, we must always make a point of never being the one who starts the fight and always being the one who finishes it.

We need to get angry and be belligerent. Nobody is going to ride to our rescue. We have to do it ourselves. And if we don't do it, how much worse is it going to be for the next generation? Because these kinds of problems don't just go away. They fester and get worse as time progresses.

I'm not a fuzzy bunny.

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age 10 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: High clouds, moderate breeze from

the west, intermittent flurries

Snow pack: approx 3 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm having difficulty writing that book of meditations right now. Today, we have wandered into the think positively area and I feel really squicked out by it. The gods are leaning on me to write it this way. I'm doing my best to get out of the way and just take what they want down, kinda like divine dictation. My discomfort, however, is making that really hard. It doesn't help matters that I'm approaching a topic that is somewhat sensitive for myself - poverty. As much as I can appreciate people wanting to pray away their problems, my repulsion to the idea that prayer can fix poverty repulses me to the point of physical nausea.

I think I'm misinterpreting something about what They are saying but I can't figure out what it is. I'm stuck on that one point. People living in squalor with out the funds to put food on the table or clothes that are fitting for the elements is not a problem that goes away with just prayer. I don't want to write down that if you pray and think happy thoughts that this problem goes away. It doesn't work like that. You have to do a fuckload of work to help manifest the solution to your poverty problem. And sometimes, not even that will be enough. I can hear someone telling me that this is a case where I'm short on faith.

It may be a little bit of that. Struggling to pay bills for the last several years and watching as the costs of everything goes up makes it hard for me to keep my head and my heart in line on that front. When you find yourself thankful that you've got enough money left over after paying bills that you can pay for groceries, laundry, and still have enough left in case there's some kind of emergency over the next two weeks, you have a hard time not thinking about it. When you struggle financially, you struggle in other areas to. I guess it's only natural that you would struggle faith wise. 

The Christians have this expression "God help me. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak." Maybe I'm dealing with some version of that right now. I'm pretty sure that my clawing my way out of a depressive episode is not helping my outlook much either. Throw in the fact that I haven't slept well in months with out the assistance of medication (and even then it's usually not a restful sleep) and you have a witch who has a hard time seeing what good her prayers and magic make in the immediate sense. The worst thing is, I feel this pressure to present a serene face to the world over on Veiled Witch when I'm pretty sure mentioning something about this struggle might be a good thing there.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel the need to write this down but my aversion is so strong that I feel queasy from it. A surly part of my brain says I should just take some pepto and push through it. But I know, on some level, that if I just force myself to push forward, this will come out wrong. I can't move forward on this in anger. Because the anger will distort the message. At which point I will be made to repeat it again, until it comes out right. Because the gods do shit like that. Maybe I'm just having a bad day for writing. I suppose that could be the case too, right?

TPE: A is for Anger

I'm a little behind on my TPE posts. I apologize for that. Scumbag brain has been making it hard for me to keep track of things.

Anger is the dark secret of emotions. No one wants to admit to having it on a regular basis. No one wants to talk about it. If you express it publicly, it had better be in a controlled, family friendly fashion or it scares the neighborhood. It's basically the red headed step-child of emotions.

The thing is, anger is really powerful. Anger can literally move nations to action. Don't believe me? Look at all the wars going on around the world. At the root of them, someone is angry with someone else and they decided to march on a road of bones. The magical community gets really squicked by anger, except for the people who are on the left-hand path or practice grey magic. I suppose I fall into the grey magic category.

You see, I use my anger (when I am able) to blast my way through the proverbial road blocks that pop up in front of me. Where some people would sit and sigh and sob about a problem, I get angry. Then I take that anger and channel it into bending the world to my will. Some people would tell you that this is a very dangerous thing to do. They'd be right, because if you're not ethical about it you can do a lot of damage. Heck, even when you're being ethical about it, you can still do a lot of damage.

The thing is, there has to be a point where you stop being overrun by the emotion and see it for what it is. It is energy. Anger is a very powerful form of energy. Shape it correctly and you can force a problem to be resolved or create a monstrosity. The question is, how are you going to use it. And that's always the question when you set out to do magic. Don't fear your anger. Don't let it rule you either. Make it work for you and you'll be bending things to you will as well.

Letters to Loki # 9 - Long day is long.

Hello there Sly One,

It's been a rough while since I last wrote. I've been dealing with a depressive episode and only today have I felt like I had my wits together enough to actually write you via the blog. It's somewhat amusing that even having slept approximately half of the day away, I still feel like I have had a very long day. I suppose being depressed will do that to you.

I've been looking at my writing project and feeling like what I am producing is garbage. I will not delete it or do anything rash like that. I am just feeling very unsure about it. I have been doing what I can to stay too busy to be sucked into the trap of unhealthy thinking. I honestly don't know how well that has worked out today. I've gotten a little bit more knit on this scarf I'm making and I got at least two pages written on the manuscript. It was, however, difficult work to get either done.

You're right, by the way, and I'll publicly admit it, I have been too hard on myself. I am not doing very good with the whole self-compassion thing. It's exhausting and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Yeah, I know, it's counter-productive to put things in those terms but it was the best I could think of right now. I apologize for not having enough faith in myself and getting snippy when you encourage me. It's really a thoughtless thing to argue with someone when they're just trying to get you to see the positive side of things. I apologize for that.

You've said it several times over the last week that you're furious with the people who hamstrung my confidence in my writing. I was thinking about this after you said it again earlier this evening. I suppose I never really thought to take the perspective that my difficulties were learned. I'm not talking about glaring typos and grammatical nightmares. Those are all me when I get sloppy about things, I own that. But the idea that what I write simply isn't good enough for anyone to see and that I don't have the stuff (skills/knowledge/authority/whatever) to write about given topics... I never considered that this was something I learned.

Now, however, as I look back, I can point at some people in formative years who made a point of telling me how badly I was doing things (even when I did them right, they found something to criticize) and insisting that I had no legitimate talent. I thought about it this evening and I am of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I suppose the first step to resolving the problem is recognizing there is one and what the signs of its presence are. On the other hand, this shift in my personal narrative makes me very uncomfortable.

And I'm pretty angry about the fact that I'm uncomfortable with shifting my personal narrative to more positive terrain. I don't know what I'm going to do with that anger. I may just go ahead and do some artwork. Knitting isn't exactly good for anger unless I'm so angry I need something to hyper-focus on to avoid tearing someone's head bodily off their shoulders. I'm going to do my best to get through the squicky feels about doing artwork from a place of anger. You're right, after all, what ever I put down on the canvas or paper can't harm me. In some respects, it's literally binding that thoughtform to the physical object and reducing its sway over me.

I also really should have that conversation with Odin. My avoiding him really isn't doing any good and I suspect if I keep it up any longer he's going to come to me and start the conversation. And he probably won't be in a good mood when that happens. Irritating Odin is pretty big on my DO NOT DO list.

I guess I had more to say then I thought I did. Thank you for being so patient with me. And thank you for getting so angry and outraged on my behalf when the bad stuff from the past pops up. It validates me and I don't have word to express how much that means to me. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Who knows, maybe it will be a good brain day. I kinda needed because I've got to go out of the house and do stuff tomorrow. Ah well, I won't whine about it because that doesn't change anything. Thank you again.

Love and Gratitude,
Me

Rough day for writing.

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonable temps

snowpack depth unchanged.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I spent my day working on my newest manuscripts. Yes, I have wound up working on two books at the same time. I have a deadline for the first but not for the second. I have been feeling pretty low about my writing and if I'm qualified enough to write these books. To say that Loki has been opinionated about this is to make an understatement like saying the Sun is a little bit warm.

Loki is spitting mad about the people who 'hamstrung' my confidence in my writing and mystic stuff. When he hasn't been muttering in norse (which sounds shockingly disturbing when said rapidly in a half snarl by a deity that is furious), he has been poking me to keep writing when I have been wanting to give up on this project. It's a comforting but awkward thing for me to have him so angry on my behalf. He's a bit calmer now but earlier today he was very upset. I turned my music up kinda loud to drowned out the sound of his swearing.

My mood has been all down and angry for a while now. I know I'm in a depressive episode. It has been a rough ride and I'm angry with the fact that I'm even dealing with this right now. The more depressed I feel, the angrier I get. Unfortunately, that anger isn't solving anything. It's just making me short tempered and giving me heartburn. Freyr's right, I really do need to calm down over this. But the anger just keeps coming back. I found it kinda amusing that the moon is void of course on a day that I'm having a difficult time with my mood and stuff. I'm half tempted to see if my mood cycling matches up with lunar stuff. But that's just the geek in me coming out.

The Filianic daybook is slowly coming along. I'm almost finished with the second month's worth of meditations. At the same time, I am writing down my visions, meditations, and spiritually moved recitations. I feel like an enormous fraud to be referencing my own work here. Still, it is what I have to work with.

TPE: Divinities

Old Wolf Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Just above freezing, partly cloudy,

snow total around 4 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am a polytheist. I believe in many gods. I worship many gods. I am involved with many gods. Some of what I do looks like a study in paradox. I believe and work with a goddess of a monotheistic religion. At the same time, I believe and work with the gods of the Nordic pantheon. And I have passing interactions with deities from pantheons that I don't generally involve myself in. (At times, those interactions I try desperately to avoid but get boxed in on that front. And I'm looking at you, the lwa. I know you've got eyes on me. Here's your public acknowledgement, as I agreed not long ago to do.)

Some may think that my involvement with a deity of a monotheistic religion would negate the polytheism. That makes the mistake of assuming that only one religion is correct. As strange as this might sound, all religions are correct. So, is Ragnaroc going to happen? Yep, so is Armageddon and a laundry list of other things. They all manifest differently. The upheaval you see in the world is partly due to that manifestation. (Oh, on the point of doomsday scenarios, they have happened, are happening, and will be happening all at the same time. Because gods experience time differently then we do. So, all of the endings are happening at the same time as all of the beginnings. And all the stuff in the middle still happens to.) 

We can't constrain the gods to human perspectives. This would lessen them and reduce their stature to projections of ourselves. I'm not saying that archetypes are not important and useful. And I'm not saying that there are not large scale projections of ourselves out there. (Look up egregores and you can get an interesting view on how that little trick works.) But gods go beyond the level of egregores. Egregores are limited in what they do. They operate on the basis of how they are programmed. Gods, on the other hand, are like cats and will do what ever they damn well please, regardless for how humanity wants it to go.

They are intelligent, sentient forces that create, sustain, enliven, control, and destroy universes. To some extent, our universe is a single thing. But we must acknowledge that there is an aspect of the universe that is accessible only for the individual. My experience of the universe is different from your experience of the universe, which is different from the experience of someone ten thousand miles away. And all these experiences are different from that of a blade of grass, an animal, or protozoa. And if you are an animist, there is the myriad of things traditionally considered not to be alive by Western thought (this tradition going back to the Enlightenment, if not a bit earlier) that have their own experience of reality. Somewhere, in the midst of all this soup of experience, gods move through it all. 

And the 'truth' of reality and its relationship to deities is a murky thing to puzzle out because we have no way of knowing all the information on our side of the relationship, let alone begin to comprehend anything of the deities and their side of the relationship. It is a mystery. Some people get afraid when this mystery is pointed out. I find comfort in it. It tells me that somewhere in the universe, there is a meaning to what happens that goes beyond pure causality. Given that my experience with deities has been generally positive, I am inclined to think that meaning is something positive.

TPE Week 2: Personal Practice

Share your favorite spiritual/magickal practices. What tools are incorporated into your daily practice? What feeds you and replenishes you?

I have a love for divination. I always learn something new each session. While I enjoy the luxury of having someone else divine for me, I also deeply enjoy the practice of doing so myself. I have a wide range of divination tools that I use but my most frequent tool of late has been my rune set. Now, my primary tool for divination for others has been a tarot deck (and I have 11 to choose from because they're all so pretty) but I have been using runes more for other people as well.

I also deeply enjoy spiritual practices that connect me with the gods. I regularly burn candles for them and when I have the opportunity I burn incense as well. I pray daily and meditate often. To be honest, daily doesn't do justice to how often I communicate with the gods. But, my practices tend towards attempting to make every act a prayer, no matter how small and common it seems.

Prayer and ritual gestures such as the lighting of candles give me a deep sense of connection and stability. I find that it supports me through the times of difficulty and gives me a means to share my joys even when I lack the words to do so.

TPE: Post 1 (2nd attempt)

Well, I clearly did not pay enough attention to how things are going with The Pagan Experience Project.  As such, I am now going to do the post for week 1 again. This time keeping with the theme for the week.
~*~*~*~*~*~

TPE Wk 1: Resolutions

1. To write more in my Book of Shadows (I'm still catching up on material from last July.)
2. To write more on my blogs (here and Veiled Witch)
3. To be more active in my efforts to grow socially (social phobia is awful.)
4. Finish the daybook manuscript before Moura.
5. Become more active with magic and rituals again

Letters to Loki #8 - Last night.

Hello there Commander Insanity,

I am still a bit annoyed with how last night went but I admit that I do see the humor in it all. I suppose that I was being a bit to rigid in refusing the apologize to my stuffed bear for using it to hit my husband. I still maintain that I had no reason to apologize to an inanimate object. You and Beloved, however were of one mind on that front.

It was when you both agreed that a pillow would have been fine as an impromptu smiting tool because apparently that is clearly an inanimate object that things crossed the line from goofball to insane. I think you could have made your point with out it. I wound up laughing and hurting my ribs because of it. I'm still smirking over it, but I am a wee bit annoyed with that whole business.

I will confess, you are right when you say that my pride is a cold comfort on a winter's night. I get the message, I need to stop being so damn proud and accept that I am allowed help when I need it. And that I need to stop being so damn proud and be willing to make a fool of my self for the sake of humor. I really do. I just wish that it could have been done with out making my ribs hurt more.

They're still aching from the laughter last night. Any one who says that you don't use humor as a weapon doesn't know you very well. Also, I think I can never hear the phrase 'kiss the dwarf' with out snickering now. Oh, one last thing, the next time you send me a dream of zombies please don't show up as one. That was just too damn weird. (Of course this request probably means I will be having that dream for the next week.)

Still snickering at it all,
Me

The Pagan Experience Project: Post 1

Old Wolf Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Bitter cold, clear skies

approx. 4 in snow on ground

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have decided to participate in the Pagan Experience Project. It was nice to learn that this was taking up the void left when the Pagan Blog Project ceased at the end of last year. I will be striving to stay on top of this and write at least once per week on here. 

I have made a little change to how I am posting the initial information on my blog here. Because it is winter and some may be curious, I am going to start tracking what the total snow fall is when I post. I confess, I am a little bit of a weather geek but this motivation to track the weather and such at the beginning of my posts is actually rooted in something that I learned a few years back. Apparently during the Colonial era of the United States, it was found to be quite common that people began their journal entries with a quick note about the weather conditions. This is a nod to my ancestors from this era of history.

Like the Pagan Blog Project, I believe I am going to work my way through the alphabet. I am honestly cheating with this first post. Because my reasoning is A is for Announcement is just flat out silly. Still, this is what I am doing for this first post. I will still be posting my weekly letters to Loki. Recovering from some illness, I found that I didn't get as much done as I wanted to over the last few weeks. Sadly, I think this means I forgot to post a letter to Loki last week. I know it is part of the reason why I forgot to post this week's letter yesterday.

Still, I am going to post that next, so I think this covers that base. I may or may not make that letter do double duty and have it be my second 'A' themed post. I'm undecided.

Rant re: Your Native American Totem meme

Waning Wolf Moon (Age:  18 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: bitter cold, lake effect snow

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've seen this meme flying around Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is on other social media platforms too. It is a click-quiz that proposes to determine what your "Native American Totem" is. I've seen several variations of this meme over the last few years (if not longer) and I am rapidly hitting a point where I want to poke people with a stick for posting it. I recognize that all things Native American are popular in fashion and pop culture right now. Their version of Native American chic is a repulsive lampooning of these dignified cultures and should be rejected.

I can understand if someone who is fairly new to the idea of animal spirit guides latches on to the idea that the Native Americans know more about it then the rest of us. It is intimidating to start researching spirit guides, especially when you come at it from an angle that doesn't seem to have much going on from your background (for example Asatru doesn't really have an official line on animal spirit guides). It is tempting to use something from another background because it is 'ready made' and can theoretically be applied by most anyone with a minimal amount of research.

There is, however, a big problem with that. It is called cultural appropriation. This is when someone assumes elements from another culture into their own activities with out any sensitivity or consideration for the original source of the material. A fine example of this, with the Native American cultures, is the use of warbonnets as a fashion prop. For the cultures that warbonnets originate from (and by the way, the Native Americans have multiple cultures and its an idiot who thinks there is only one), a warbonnet is both formal military dress and military honors. Wearing a warbonnet as a fashion statement is like putting on a full formal USMC uniform with a bunch of ribbons and medals that you not only haven't earned but you're not even remotely attached to the USMC and wearing it. Sadly, however, there are people who feel that stealing things such as warbonnets and wearing them for fashion are appropriate because the cultures they are taking from are 'defeated.'

There is a lot wrong with the idea of stealing from another culture. It is even more offensive when you are doing so from one that has suffered mightily at the hands of the 'dominant' culture. It is rubbing salt into those old wounds after forcibly reopening them whilst denying that there is anything wrong with that behavior. It is utterly callous and disgusting to do so. Now, there are ways to borrow elements from another culture with out engaging in cultural appropriation. When the elements adopted are done so from a position of respect and scholarship, it makes it possible for the person adopting those elements to do so in a manner that honors the original culture.

Now, some people may be wondering if an animal spirit guide is the sole property of the Native American cultures. While the concept is heavily influenced by how scholars (both professional and hobbyist) interpret the concepts from Native American cultures, the modern take on animal spirit guides really has developed into something different and unique to our time. While it is tempting to say that these ideas are for the really serious modern shamans, the modern understanding of animal spirit guides is fairly accessible to most anyone. The people who apply the label 'Native American' to these concepts (which are what is pretty much always shown in these memes) do so out of an attempt to 'legitimize' the concept by associating it with an older culture and earlier era.

This, however, is not necessary. I have friends who are modern, urban shamans that work with animal guides all the time. They don't paint things in the terms of 'Native American' anything because they don't need to. What they are using works with out any need to 'legitimize' it. While they recognize that there are some common elements between the animal guides of Native American cultures, they own the fact that what they are working with is a product of our society and era, of our culture. And that is more then ok.

I just wish that more people took that approach, to be honest.

Letters to Loki # 7

Hey there Loki,

I'm not sure what I should write. I just learned that my great aunt Jackie died last night. I suppose I am in a bit of shock. I feel horrible for my great uncle Ed and my second cousins Eddie and Wayne. Also for Wayne's boys who have lost their grandmother. I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to make it out to Long Island for her services.

It upsets me to watch the fading and dying of my grandparent's generation. While I recognize that it was simply a matter of time, it still bothers me. They have lived through so much. I don't know if it is selfish and cruel of me to want them to hang on a bit longer. Down inside me, however, there is that little girl who wants to keep her whole family close. The passing of my great aunt just reminds me of how much of that dream has and is slipping out of my fingers.

I'd write more but I just don't have the words.

Dreamwalking whilst ill

Full Wolf Moon (Age 13 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Windy, thaw, rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the midst of my resting today, I went dreamwalking. I didn't intend to do it. Generally, when I am sick, I try to limit my expending of effort to recovery, even on the spiritual level. Still, as I was resting this afternoon, I went on a spirit journey.

I found myself in a corridor with white walls and lots of light. There were windows along the right hand wall that looked out over a garden. The corridor was more like a very large room then a hallway. It was like some kind of hospital with many beds situated by the windows. In the spiritual realms, I was just as sick as I am physically, which doesn't usually prove the case when I go dreamwalking but I think it was just a sign of how ill I felt. 

As I shuffled down this corridor in my scuffed up slippers, rumpled pajamas, and fluffy pink bathrobe, I noticed how the space was mostly empty. I got the impression that this place of healing was experiencing a temporary lull in occupancy. I walked to the bed at the end of the corridor that was nearest to a set of french doors that looked out onto the garden and sat down. I was impressed with how clean and tidy everything was there. It was like the image of an 1800s hospital ward, if it was empty and spotless.

As I sat there on the foot of that bed, I heard someone come into the corridor from a doorway back behind me. I looked over and saw Freyr walking with a diminutive woman. He towered over her. She was dressed like the archetypal image of a civil war era nurse. Honestly, she looked so much like the images of Clara Barton that I was impressed. She was dressed in white and had a starched white apron. Her salt and pepper gray hair was carefully caught up in a caul and pinned up quite elegantly. 

This 'nurse' had such an air of command about her that I could only think that she was the head nurse of the ward I was in. The nurse and Freyr were talking about something as they approached in a language that I didn't know. It sounded like a cross between gaelic and german. When they reached me, Freyr gave me a smile as the nurse gave me a stern look. She took my pulse and felt my neck. Then she made some sort of pronouncement before walking off. 

I was waking up as Freyr sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I woke up coughing and with the feeling that he was helping me sit up. I'm pretty sure that he brought me to this hospital-like place I went in my dream. I do not think it was mere coincidence that after this dream, as I woke up more fully, I started feeling better then I had been earlier in the day. I just wish that I could have understood what they said. I suspect that I will be dreaming of that place again tonight.

Letters to Loki # 6 - Have you seen my marbles?

Hey there Sly Fox,

It has been a wild ride over the last week. My mood has pretty much been all over the map. I'm still a little hypomanic but I think I'll actually get more then 4 hours of sleep tonight. The kids have been excited as all get out over their new LeapPad tablets. Beloved's parents bought them for 'em for Christmas. We set them up today and I've got to say, if I had known this was the key to getting them to stop pestering each other, I would have found a way to acquire them sooner.

I am relieved to report that the fingerless gloves I was concerned about actually did fit Beloved. I get nervous making stuff for him because I always tend to judge things a size too small. I was amused when you declared the pumpkin spice candle that Beloved gave me to be yours. I restrained the giggle but it was a bit of work. Now it seems to me that this candle is burning down faster then it should be by any rights. It makes me wonder if you have a hand in it.

I'm happy that you and Sigyn liked the snowflake ornaments that I made. I do agree with you, the one I made for you shouldn't be blocked out to look like a proper snowflake because it's pretty flipping awesome in it's pseudo-neuron look right now. I ran out of time and thread to make more for the others, but I was told that the desire to give the gift counted more then the gift itself.

In the midst of my hypomania, I have cleaned the house, put all the laundry away, entertained the kids, and gotten a bunch of writing done (despite my shortened attention span right now). My brain is starting to slow down some. I slept a little longer last night then I did the night before. I was up again around 5 but it's better then being up at 4 with only 3 hours of sleep. I'm trying to burn off some of that extra energy and I have been using it on my new kick spindle. The thing shimmies a little bit when I get it going real fast but that's my only complaint.  I haven't much spun up yet on it.

I did some carding earlier today. After I finish this batch of raspberry red merino-bamboo fiber, I'll get to the blue dyed wool. I think it's Bluefaced Leicester wool, but I'm not sure. The idea of that does make me giggle, however. I'd say more but I'm kinda having difficulty stringing thoughts together. I'll catch up with you later.

Letters to Loki #5 - Blessed Solstice!

Hey there Flamehair,

First things first, I want to say thank you to you for helping me not freak out when I went out and was social this weekend. With how much I have been struggling with even going out of the house, the help that I got in getting out the door, to the party, being there, and back home is deeply appreciated. I know I said thank you a few times now, but it was something absolutely huge and I can't really think of any other way to express my gratitude.

I also want to thank you for nudging things into our path that helped take some of the financial pressure off of us over the last week or so. Some things may have been minor nuisances that turned into big problems if it wasn't for that bit of help. And I am hopeful that we may be turning a proverbial corner with the end of the year in sight. A big part of that progress has come by way of your assistance, even when I was admittedly being a stubborn fool and refusing to ask for help.

I feel a little silly saying this, but I am finding myself a bit disappointed that there isn't snow on the ground right now. I never thought I would say those words but I have a few times now. It isn't so much that I want snow so that everything looks 'just right' for the holidays and more that I want my boys to get a chance to play in some before they go back to school in about two weeks. The cloudy skies kinda gets my hopes up and then nothing happens.

If Snowmageddon happens over the next little while, I wouldn't complain too much. I like the idea of Beloved having the day off to spend with us while the kids are on break from school. He's been having an awful hard time over the last half year. I keep asking him if there's anything I can do to help but there doesn't seem to be much beyond what I do to keep the house running and minding the kids. Of late, I've been thinking I should try doing readings on Keen again but I'm having a hard time getting past the waves of anxiety that roll over me at that thought.

The kids are getting excited for Christmas. While we don't celebrate it here, their grandparents do and people at school tend to hype up the idea. That said, they're also looking forward to a visit from Odin. My eldest keeps asking if he can see Sleipnir. The idea of a 'magic horsie' apparently has charmed him even more then the thought of flying reindeer. I figured you'd be pleased to hear that. I'm thinking that on the 24th, we'll toss a handful of oats out for Sleipnir. Other kids are throwing 'reindeer food' and I think that Sleipnir could use something to snack on too. After all, we're going to be putting out some cookies for Odin (the kids insisted on this).

I've something I'm going to make for you. I think you'll like it. While thread crochet is not my strongest suit, I suspect that this project will be forgiving enough for my perfectionism. I tried to find the candle wicks so that I could make one for Sigyn but the blasted things vanished on me. Then the wax I was going to use went missing. It makes me suspect that my craft room is one step away from gaining sentience and demanding food. I am, however, flexible and going to put my efforts into something else equally pleasant for her. Because she has a fondness for butterflies, I'm going to whip up something based off of that. To say the least, I will be kept busy over the next few days.

Thank you again for being so awesome. You are wonderful and I love you.

Amazement and ramblings.

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 27 days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: seasonably cold, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I saw this post and my jaw hit the floor. I literally could not move for a few moments because I was stunned with amazement. After Rose and her circle (coven doesn't feel the right word, and neither does circle but I'm still to shocked to 'brain' right now) had taken me into their arms and done a powerful spell to address my fertility issues, Hlif appeared to me in a dream. She was holding an infant in one arm and a toddler by the hand.

She looked exactly as she does in this card. She said nothing, but put the infant in my arms and then had the toddler take my hand. The age gap between the children was three years. The infant was asleep, but the toddler had the same brilliant blue eyes that Snuggle Bug has. Several months later, my eldest son (aka Cuddle Bear) was conceived. Did I mention that the infant appeared to be a few months old when she placed him in my arms?

I forgot about that dream until I saw Galina's post about the new Hlif prayer card available for purchase. Then I saw the image of Hlif and the whole thing came flooding back to me.

I sat down at the computer to post some snark about one of my recently absent spiritual companions when I checked posts on Wordpress and saw that. It kinda overrode what I was initially thinking. My 'guide' Eathan's asshattery, however, has taken the edge off that shock. I have several 'guides' though I think spirit companion is a better term. One of them presents as a young man (approximately 17 years old, caucasian with red hair and your sterotypical high school football player's build) and he goes by the name Eathan. For the last half year, Eathan had been quiet and then I realized it wasn't that he was quiet but rather that he had gone off somewhere.

Now, I didn't think much of the matter. My spirit companions come and go by their own will. Over the last half year, I had been rather caught up in other stuff (well, closer to a year but anyways...) and I figured if they weren't actively poking me to make their presence known that they were either about and observing or off somewhere doing their own thing. For all I knew, one of them may have negotiated terms of incarnation. Now, who is it that I would have put money on that last concept? If you guessed Eathan, you are right. For a while, he was trying to talk me into allowing him to incarnate through me.

And by 'a while' I mean for several years. Stargazer at one point got sick of his attempts to have her ferry his side of the conversation for a few months which lead to her and him having words. That was when Eathan decided that she was the greatest thing to walk the earth and he basically attempted to woo her. Which he did with all the awkwardness of a young adult who didn't realize that the object of his affection was entirely indifferent to him and didn't realize that there were distinct challenges to being in a relationship where only one of you is corporeal. To say the least, Stargazer bore his efforts with the patience of a saint and enough snark to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Since Stargazer has transitioned from life into afterlife (shuffled off the mortal coil/died/etc. I still haven't found a comfortable way to say that my best friend is deceased.), Eathan decided to make the attempt to court her again.

When he vanished off of my proverbial radar, I figured one of three things happened.

1. Stargazer smacked him into another realm of existence for irritating her.
2. Eathan negotiated incarnation with someone and was on his way into this world.
3. He found someone else to moon over and was currently engaged in that.

Since his return this afternoon, he has done the following:

1. Insisted that all homemade bread is good bread, even if I say the loaf came out badly.
2. Declared that one is permitted to slurp the liquid portion of beef stew because it is not soup.
3. Done a bad imitation of Loki. (It was so bad that Lopt facepalmed and literally said "go away, kid, you bother me."
4. Annoyed my other spiritual companions to the point where they have vacated the premises for the moment.
5. Put out the candle I had burning on my altar (because he wanted to see if I would notice and if he could do it).

So, all in all, Eathan is back and being his typical self. This makes me wonder how things are going to go over the next little while. Eathan hasn't exactly been introduced to Freyr. If he manages to annoy Loki to the point where Loki decides he's going to go away for a little while, just how irritated is he going to make Freyr?

I also wonder if having Eathan back means that my life may be returning to some semblance of 'normal'. For a while now, things were pretty quiet on the psychic level. Enough so that I wasn't sure if something had changed within myself and I was having difficulties with my gifts. Now, however, I think the 'silence' is going to be filled up with Eathan causing mischief and the others trying to get a handle on him. I may find myself having to bind him to a rock and stick him in 'timeout' (aka the sock drawer) again if he gets too bad. I really don't want to have to do that, though. Last time it was really aggravating to hear him every time I opened the sock drawer.

Ramblings about Dreams

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 24 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Warm, humid, cloudy

(90% of last week's snow melted)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a little while but I still seem to be improving in the mental state department. The migraine last night persisted somewhat into the morning, necessitating a nap to get rid of the pain. As I slept, I dreamed that Freyr sat me down at this large wooden table. It looked like a trestle table made out of some sort of hardwood. The boards that made up the table top were wide and a dark color that spoke of years (if not longer) of use. The table itself was long enough to seat thirty people. We were sitting at the head of the table. Or should I say, I was sitting at the head of the table and Freyr was standing beside me, leaning against the table.

I don't really remember what the room looked like but I remember that it was warm and spacious. I some how knew that the weather outside of the building was bitterly cold, despite the fact that it was daylight. I just knew that there was snow on the ground and ice hanging from the trees outside, though I couldn't see out any windows, for the windows had curtains drawn across them and they were shuttered. I was sitting at the table dressed in the same horribly casual clothes that I have been wearing today (old sweats and an over sized sweater) and feeling like I didn't belong and that I was under dressed. Which was a bit silly as Freyr was dressed in jeans, a flannel, and hiking boots.

He didn't tell me to stay seated but I could tell by the look in his eye that he didn't want me to get up and wander off (though sitting in that seat made me *extremely* uncomfortable). Just as I was reaching the point where I couldn't stand it any longer, he finally said something. What he said was really simple, but pretty much everything I've been struggling with for the last few days, "Stay in your body." Now, it may sound strange to say that I have been struggling to stay 'embodied' but it has been part of what I've been dealing with because of my c-PTSD. Even in my dreams, I tend to disassociate myself from my physical sensations and play third party observer.

I really didn't want to do it. I felt over exposed and vulnerable. It didn't matter that it was a dream, that we were alone, or that the place we were in was safe. I still really wanted to 'check out' because of how unsafe I felt. As I was struggling with this, Freyr knelt down beside the chair and put his hands over mine. Where I had only vaguely felt the sensations of my clothes and sitting in the chair earlier, when his hands covered mine, it was as real as if it were happening when I was awake. A part of me screamed that I needed to pull my hands away from his and to push away the sensations. I sat there shaking from the effort it took not to do that.

After what felt like forever, he half stood up and leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. Then I found myself in a different dream where I was struggling to make pancakes for a literal army. I kept getting angrier and angrier with each fouled up pancake. I was at the point of being ready to have a mini-meltdown over it when Loki walked in and took over the task of making pancakes. Again, I was struggling with the whole staying 'in' my body. Again, Freyr was there. In this one, he was standing behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me. I woke up with the sensation of being held and the confusing thought that I needed to make chocolate chip pancakes properly to really be worthy of anything.

I didn't give the dreams any thought until I read the last paragraph of this post. When I read it, I had the curious sensation of feeling like the world was reeling for a moment, for I could nearly swear it was something that Freyr had said to me at some point over the last several days word for word. I've been struggling with my dissociative symptoms for a little while now. With that comes the feeling like I don't matter, which makes me more prone to dissociate. It's a pretty vicious cycle.

I'm pretty sure that Freyr is going to keep working with me on this dissociation business. It's been the main symptom of trouble (aside from the nonsense that goes with bipolar and a touch of seasonal affective disorder). A part of me is scared that I'm not up for this. But I'm just going to do my best to stay body aware and stuff over the holidays (despite the stress). I may not feel like I'm worth it but Freyr is of the opinion that I am. (Probably with a laundry list of others, starting with Stargazer, to be honest.) We'll see what tonight's dreams bring me. At least it wasn't nightmares last night. That is progress right there.

Letters to Loki #4 (untitled)

Hey there Sly One,

I am just spinning my wheels right now. This headache is making it kinda hard to think coherently right now. It's been a fairly busy day today. I am so thankful that Beloved got his holiday bonus and that the mother-in-law randomly gave us some cash. It helped to take what was turning into an awful situation and made it something bearable. Beloved is fairly sure that if we play our cards right, we can make our first payment of rent to the new landlord on time. That would be a very good thing. I don't want to start that off with a bad impression.

I was really anxious earlier in the day before Beloved told me about his bonus and putting it all in the bank. I put that anxiety to work cleaning and baking. I was going to make cookies but I wound up making a huge loaf of bread. I was surprised that you didn't want any. I guess the coffee and that apple beverage was more in line with what you were interested in today. I still don't think that apple beverage came out quite right. I'm going to try adding more apples in next time. I suspect that my apple-water ratio was too light on the apples. I may also go with a different kind of apple, like a Granny Smith.

If I can manage it, I might even be able to get the stuff to taste like apple pie. Speaking of apple pie, I found a recipe for 'apple pie moonshine' (where the moonshine is replaced with vodka). I am totally going to get the stuff and try it out next month. I keep hearing about Fireball whiskey and I'm considering getting a bottle. The other thing I am considering is getting a bottle of whiskey and infusing cinnamon in it myself. The reports that Fireball has antifreeze in it makes me a little uncomfortable with the thought of getting it.

I still have that bottle of peach-cinnamon liqueur in the fridge. Since I don't have a pie scented candle for you right now, I figured pie flavored booze would be a good stand in. The only thing stopping me from making a pie is the fact that I really have no idea how to make a pie crust from scratch, all of my attempts have been inedible. I don't want to subject you to that. Maybe I'll be able to find a way to manage to get a pie crust on the shopping list next Saturday. I've got pretty much everything except the crust to make pumpkin pie. I know how much you love that stuff.

I found my oil warmer today. If I can locate the nice scented oil, I'll try to do that up for you tomorrow. I put that stuff in a safe place and now I can't seem to locate it. This seems to be a habit of mine. It makes me question if putting things in a safe place is a good idea because I can't locate them until half a year later, if not longer.

I'm almost finished spinning the blue-green merino-silk blend. I was thinking about making something for Sigyn with it. I'm just not sure what I can do with that small amount of thread. I still need to ply the stuff, which makes the yardage go down significantly. I was thinking maybe attempting to make something lace but I honestly am stumped on what to make. Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's been too long since I've made something for her. I really want to do something special because she is pretty wonderful and deserves special things.

Speaking of wonderful, Freyr's been super affectionate today. When I wasn't stammering, I was torn between delight and the urge to hide. You'll be pleased, I resisted that urge (not that it would have worked out too well, anyways). When I am in a good mental space, I feel awed and amazed. Most of all, loved. And Freyr seems to agree with you that one can never have too much love in their life. He's been pointing out all these fantastic little details that I just kept missing over the last few weeks. For all the challenges that are in front of me, there are a lot of really fantastic things. One of them is you and your love and friendship.

Thank you for being in my corner, even when I am paranoid, whiny, and miserable. Thank you really doesn't begin to express it, but it's all I can come up with right now while my head feels like it's trying to decide if it is going to explode or not. Give my love to Sigyn. I hope that you two get to do something special over the next little while. You both deserve it.

Writer's Cramp & Stuff

Waning Frost Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Seasonably cold, several inches of

snow on the ground, cloudy

~*~*~*~*~*~

I am thankful for the fact that Freyr kicked my butt into doing my writing today. I think I got more accomplished today then I have all week. I am pretty sure he was the reason why I was still up and moving about in the morning after Beloved went off to work, rather then collapsing on the couch and sleeping until eleven o'clock in the morning. I've been doing a lot of handwriting today. The typing is something of a relief.

I don't know how many words per minute I am writing but I think I managed about six pages in this notebook. It has been grueling work to write this manuscript. It is nonfiction and that makes things all that much harder. Add to it that I am reaching into my past and sorting out things with respect to past trauma, and it just gets a bit more difficult. It was, however, a welcome distraction from my current anxiety. I forgot how even writing about bad things helps me to step away from present worries.

Our financial life got interesting over the past few weeks. The car needed some work, there was the last of the holiday shopping last week, and some insanity with the former landlord that resulted in money being particularly tight. Thankfully, Beloved gets paid today. That will help things enormously. I don't know how things are going to go with the new landlord. I am hoping that it will be better then they had been with the one we had before. I am, however, a little nervous. 

The big snowfall that was projected for yesterday wasn't as bad as they had predicted. Still, I thought it would have been helpful if the parking lot was plowed. It wasn't. I am doing my best not to worry that this is a sign of things to come, but I confess I am a little nervous. I poured all of that nervous energy into my therapy journal today because I had to cancel my therapy session (car getting worked on and all). Freyr sat with me as I was writing. It helped because I kinda felt alone and upset at the time.

He's telling me that I can negotiate some concessions from the other gods with respect to offerings over the next few months as we try to rebuild a bit of a financial cushion. I feel sad that I am in this position. I felt badly about what I had been giving as offerings before now, to be honest. I felt like they weren't good enough. Commercially made candles and such just feels wrong to me. Loki, however, has revoked my snob privileges and told me that I shouldn't kick myself about the fact that I can't give them fancy beeswax candles and stuff.

Advent has thus far been interesting. I think I mentioned earlier this week that my in-laws randomly gave us a Yule tree. The timing of it kinda had me suspicious because earlier that day, I was feeling a bit sad about our lack of a 'real' tree. I'm pretty sure that Dea had a hand in our receiving a tree that was the perfect size to go in our living room and the timing of its arrival. The kids are getting excited about the idea of Odin coming on Yule. I am considering how to introduce them to Dea, as my eldest has taken a keen interest in the statuettes of Dea that I have on the altar.

On the whole, I feel like I'm not up to the task of teaching them about spirituality. Freyr tells me that I'll be fine. Loki grins and says he's got lots of ideas I can try (which almost always makes me wary because his ideas that are tossed out when he has that gleam in his eye usually turn ridiculous pretty fast). Dea just smiles benevolently. I think I'm just going to have to trust the gods to put the right words in my mouth when it comes to having these conversations. The boys are old enough now that they're getting interested in the spiritual aspect of the world.

Letters to Loki # 3

Hail He who is best loved by the Lady of Victory,

I am torn between wanting the holiday season to just be over right now and grudgingly enjoying it. I have two things left to make and then I'll be on to the wrapping phase of Yule gifts. The kids have been bouncing around alternating between excited chatterings about Santa and talking about what they hope Odin is bringing them for Yule. I am envious of their glee. I can't seem to find it in me to be excited over this because I'm worrying about grown up stuff, like the damn bills and what not.

We now have a Yule tree. We're going to be decorating it this afternoon. I am hopeful that the kids will behave fairly well about the tree this year. It is as though we have two cats who stare at the shiny object and decide they must murder it. I am hoping that they'll resist the urge to get into ALL of the ornaments long enough for the tree to be up and pretty for a little while.

I feel a little guilty listening to Christian carols. I just enjoy some of them a great deal. My two favorites are God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings. I kinda wish there were some pagan yule carols that had the same delightful sound to them. As a former choir geek, I kinda miss being able to sing these wonderful things and the soaring sensation of having my voice as part of a larger body that was singing.

It makes me sad that the financial difficulties are getting in the way of some of the nicer offerings I wanted to make. I wanted to get some lovely candles and some shiny things for you and the others. Unfortunately, I am stuck getting the inexpensive things from the big box store. If the money crunch gets any more intense, I may have to forgo scented candles and just burn tea lights for you.

A part of me says I should attempt doing readings on Keen again. Honestly, however, I am afraid to try it. I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to marketing. I don't really do a good job interacting with unfamiliar people. The last reading I did on Keen didn't go that well and the one before it was pretty bad (for me). I am somewhat gunshy on that front. I don't know what to do. I hung up my hat when it came to Etsy. I realized that I wasn't producing enough material fast enough to justify that project. And I encountered the whole marketing thing that made me so anxious I was feeling pretty sick.

It is looking like I may not get my student loan debt forgiven. I don't know where we're going to find the funds to manage that and everything else. I am trying really hard not to perseverate over money. It was just really rough to check the bank account today and discover that we had much less then I anticipated. I was talking with my new psychiatrist about how I get really anxious over money stuff before I start getting depressed. She said I should keep an eye on that.

I don't know if my anxiety about money right now is because of the fact that things are financially challenging or if it is my sliding into a depressive episode. I really don't want to deal with a depressive episode right now. I have stuff I want to do and places I want to go. I get so angry at the mood swings. More should I say, with the depressive episodes. I am at a loss for what to do about the depressive episodes and how they suck the life right out of me.

I have started work on putting together a little kit to help me when things get really bad but I feel kinda foolish for doing it. I know that I should put my pride on the backburner for the time being and just focus on what gets results. I still find myself thinking that other people don't need this kind of supports for functioning. My therapist is of the mind that this line of thinking is partly the result of my not having enough social interaction. She's probably right. I have no idea how to resolve that.

I seem to be running into creative walls each time I turn around these last few days. It's really frustrating. If you could point me in a direction where I'm not going to hit the walls of this proverbial maze I'm in, that'd be great. Because it feels really stupid to be stumbling around like this over daily things.

My last few letters have been really cranky and depressed. I apologize for that. I started out intending for this to be happier and then it devolved. I won't delete it but I wanted to end with an apology for this negative tone. I know that if I force happiness it's just going to be a bad result. So, I'm keeping things real. But I feel kinda guilty for the down cast feelings and bitchiness. I'll be making cookies later. I'll give you the first of the batch. I know you love chocolate.

Crossposting: In Memoriam

This is not the first time I have had to mercy kill an animal. Like the first time (almost two years ago a baby bird fell out of a nest and broke its wing), I did my best to make sure that the creature suffered as little as possible. In Swimmer's case, it was a fatal dose of a fishy anesthetic (clove oil, if you ever need to use it). In the birds, it was breaking its little neck. In both cases, I felt horrible about doing it.

I passionately love life. Even when I am suicidally depressed, I still have a deep love of life. The act of ending another life grieves me. I have had times where I seriously considered going vegan because of how much it bothers me that other lives must end so that I may live. But, unlike the case of life feeding on life to survive, the act of extinguishing the life of another creature with no benefit to myself feels dirty.

Galina Krasskrova spoke of miasma a little while back. She mentioned something about how dead bodies are sources of that contagion. I can whole heartedly agree with this proposition and I can state, first hand, that the instant life leaves the body miasma is present. Lingering illness has its own miasmic qualities. In the case of Swimmers 2.0, the miasma of his illness and death had me feeling deeply disturbed and filthy.

Spiritually cleansing helped some with that, as did utterly scouring and cleansing the tank. Still, it took me a little over a week to right myself after that. Swimmers was a typical betta fish. Some people would say that I'm too soft hearted for being as disturbed by the fact that I had to kill him as I was. I am fairly certain that feisty little fish has progressed onto another life. If the way he met his death is any indication of how his next life is going to be, Swimmers in his next incarnation will be a force to be reckoned with.

For my part, I'm going to do my best to honor his memory by making sure that his replacement (a white betta named Ghost) lives a long life. Aside from that, I think it is going to take a while for me to again have warm fuzzy feelings towards the scent of cloves.
Original Post Here.

Dreams of Freyr

Full Frost Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Partly cloudy, seasonably cold,

no snow on the ground

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over the last several weeks, I've been having dreams of Freyr when I'm not having nightmares. He has also had a hand in ripping me out of my nightmares. A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was on a vast plain. Snow lay thick and it was very quiet. As I stood there and shivered, I wondered why I was there. Then, behind me, I heard the sound of hoofbeats.

I turned to find Freyr leading a coal black horse towards me. His expression was solemn as he approached me. He took my hand and put the reins for that horse into it. He told me that I had to master the beast. I responded that I didn't know how to ride and this earned me a droll look. Apparently having physical knowledge of how to ride and the ability to do so in dreams is not directly related. I felt something of a fool for that.

He helped me mount this horse and immediately it began to toss its head and stamp the ground, where it had been calm, if not docile under his hand. I attempted to talk to the horse, but it only grew more agitated as I did so. Freyr told me that the horse could smell my fear and that I needed to master myself if I was going to gain control of the horse. That was about when it reared and I was thrown off into the snow. This was repeated several times.

The fourth time I hit the ground I was so upset that I was starting to cry. I didn't want to be crying. I rather loathe the experience and have a special hatred for crying in front of people who mean a lot to me. Unlike the other times where I had burst into tears with him, Freyr did not put his arms around me and tell me it was going to be ok.

Instead, he watched me as I forced myself to my feet and struggled between crying and anger. I walked over to the horse and he moved to help me mount. I walked in front of the horse and took hold of the bridle. As I pulled the horse's face towards mine, the horse started to lift its head again. I jerked hard downward on the bridal and the horse's nostrils flared. I told the horse to stop being a dick. It blinked its brown eyes at me. I'm not sure if it understood what I was saying or not.

Freyr helped me mount the horse again. As it tossed its head and started to rear, I pulled hard on the reins, forcing that dark head back to the right. The horse moved back a pace but it didn't rear up. I let up some of the pressure on the reins and the horse started to walk forward. Suspicious that I was about to be thrown off again, I gripped the mane in my hands. This was a good thing because it bucked.

Somehow, I managed to stay mounted. The horse then stopped fighting me. It simply stood there as I let go of the mane and took the reins in my right hand. I looked over at Freyr to ask what I was supposed to do next when the dream melted away and I found myself plunged into a nightmare.

Unlike the other nightmares, this one didn't completely paralyze me with terror. I'm starting to think that black horse was the nightmares. Perhaps this means that I am beginning to regain control over my dreams. I suppose I can only hope.

Letters to Loki # 2: Keeping the Shield up.

Hail Loptr,

Thanksgiving was exhausting. I am quite thankful for my loving family by marriage. I'm thankful for the health and well being of my family. I'm thankful that Beloved had the day off from work and the day after. Most of all, I'm thankful for Ativan. Seriously, the chemist who invented that was a freaking genius. I made it most of the way through that gathering with out freaking out because of it.

I wish I could say that I'm doing better then I was last week. I don't know if I am, to be perfectly honest. Still, I'm keeping my proverbial shield up and pushing forward. I've been good about making sure I do my writing in my therapy journal, even though I think I'd prefer to deal with that wound-drain business when I had my appendix out. At least that was done and over with after a few weeks. This stuff just seems to keep going and going. It's like the Energizer bunny of doom or something.

I worry about what I'm going to do over the holidays. I feel like the stuff I have done thus far is insufficient. I'm pretty sure that it is my delusions of worthlessness kicking in. I've been catching myself stumbling over that one a lot over the last several days. It makes me a bit disgusted. Of all the things to be delusional over, it has to be how wretched I am. It is terribly unpleasant and I rather hate it. My anxiety has been rather high over the last week (hence my taking Ativan before visiting the in-laws, which usually doesn't faze me).

Going to the laundromat yesterday was pure torment. I literally lack the words to adequately express my gratitude for your encouragement. Having you sitting with me and pointing out how all the people in there were just minding their own business and didn't even notice me helped me as much as the Ativan did. I see my psychiatrist this week. I think I will do as you have strongly urged and discuss how my mood has dropped and my anxiety has been increasing.

I am a little nervous because this is going to be a new psychiatrist. That old fear that they're not going to believe me or discredit everything I have to say as being manufactured by a diseased brain is already bothering me. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea that I am going to have to request a renewal of the Ativan prescription. I'm almost out and I have discovered the hard way that I can't sleep with out it right now.

Sleep and I are now on speaking terms again. I suppose this is an improvement. Most of last week, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and being awake for about half the night. The nightmares, however, haven't stopped. Even with the medications, I still have a rough memory of them and what I do recall makes me shudder. It's made writing in my therapy journal a real fun experience. (See, my sarcasm is still intact, I'm going to be ok!)

I have been doing like you encouraged me and writing Freyr more. I'll admit it, you were right. He wasn't disgusted or horrified by what I had to say. My vulnerability did not repulse him, as I was so afraid of happening. I felt weirded out by how compassionate and concerned he was. Of course, I still get weirded out when Beloved does that too. I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to someone responding to my 'weakness' with positive things. I look at it and it feels like something is wrong with the universe. Like I'm watching the sun rise in the west rather then the east, kind of wrong.

I suppose, however, I should work on getting used to that kind of thing. Weird is your forte. And positive weirdness seems to be a more effective mindfuck then negative weirdness. Oh, speaking of weird, what was up with messing with that dryer? I put in 60 min worth of quarters and then suddenly I had 99 min? Seriously, dude, that had me concerned that I was going to have my stuff light on fire or something. Thankfully, the dryers there don't lock shut after you put your change in and I was able to get my laundry out. Pranking me to lighten the situation is ok, but please don't lead me to suspect that something is going to burst into flame because of it.

I'm still looking for that blue butterfly pin you told me to find for Sigyn. I think I may have to take a trip up to the city to find it. But I will locate it by Yule. If I have to, I'll make it. Let me know if there are other things you want me to find/make for people. My project list is actually fairly short right now.