Devotional vs theraputic writing? (and other rambling)

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 2 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: humid, partly cloudy,

intermittent t-storms

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So, I have been praying to Freyr a lot over the last several weeks. Every night for about a month now, maybe a little longer, before I go to sleep, I spiritwalk to him. Usually, it's just my being in his company. Sometimes, though, we talk. I've expressed to him several times the fact that I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. His responses have ranged from bemusement to something stern. When he is bemused, he ruffles my hair and comments on my being an 'over-achiever'. It's not exactly a fatherly response but I don't know how else to describe it. When he has been stern, he firmly reminds me to respect my limitations and be more reasonable with my expectations of myself.

As my moods have cycled, I find myself struggling with the writing he wants me to do. At first, I thought it was something like erotic writing that he wanted from me. That was what I was working on the first time he mentioned that he wanted me to write for him. I have been struggling to write that kind of stuff for a little while now, however. Then he said that he didn't care what I wrote so long as I did it for him. So, I decided to apply my last Camp NaNoWriMo effort to be in his honor. Due to a combination of factors, I discovered that I couldn't put in the time I wanted to on that project and I wasn't able to finish it by the end of that session. I was feeling somewhat dejected about it when he told me that it didn't matter what I wrote.

So, I started a prayer journal. Then life got busy and I made the mistake of putting it in a safe place. I didn't find it until about a month and a half later. In the meantime, I was engaged in the grueling task of doing my therapy journaling. I had days where I really just didn't want to look at the bloody book. I made myself do it. On the days where it was particularly hard for me to do, I dedicated my efforts to Freyr (who has been quietly encouraging me to push forward on all stuff focused on improving my health). As a result, however, it turned out that most of the writing that I have been doing and dedicating to Freyr has been focused on resolving past psychological trauma or managing my disability. 

I was talking with another Lokiswoman last week. I mentioned that I felt poorly that my written offerings had comprised mostly of my engaging in what a friend of mine coined as 'trauma-vomit'. My friend pointed out that the fact that I was working to improve myself and the fact that what I was doing required considerable effort made it valuable, more so then any unpleasantness might of detracted from it. I've been mulling that over for the last week. I can not say that the writing I have been doing in Freyr's honor has been easy. It has actually been really hard to do.

She pointed out that if Freyr wants to be intimately involved in my life, he wants to see all parts of it. She then reminded me that it really wasn't fair of me to try to just share the 'good' things. I felt a touch ashamed when she mentioned that. I was still reeling from this when I unearthed my prayer journal in the midst of cleaning the kitchen. (I swear, I have lost and found more things in my kitchen then anywhere else. It's like it has a bag of holding somewhere that randomly eats and disgorges things.) This morning, I sat down with my prayer journal and wrote up an entry, where I mentioned this concern that the trauma writing wasn't a fitting offering.

I was then gently, but firmly, redirected to consider the virtue of 'small things'. The abrupt sea change in topic kinda took me by surprise. As I re-read what I wrote, I discovered that there was an underlying theme beneath it. Part of it was that I was struggling with psychological stuff, again. Part of it was that every act of devotion that I take is valued, no matter how I feel about it. I think that it was quite possible that Freyr took over the pen for a few moments because there were things written down there that I didn't recall writing.

It's hard for me to keep in mind that devotional activities don't require special tools, rituals, or mood. It's rather ironic, actually, that I am struggling with this stuff after my most recent post on my other religion blog. It's hard for me because I really want to give the best of what I have and what I can do to the gods. And with how much Freyr has been showing ... attention and affection towards me, I feel like I need to do twice as well and twice as much because the stakes are higher.

I'm realizing, however, that what is driving me to push myself so hard is fear. I am beginning to accept that Freyr loves me. I don't understand it. This is different from how Loki loves me. It is more like how my husband loves me. And I am afraid that if I don't always put forth a positive and happy face, that Freyr will decide that I'm not worth loving. I feel ashamed of that fear. It speaks of distrust in Freyr. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. I don't want to be afraid of him or this... this awkward feeling that I have for him.

I dare say that I am coming to possibly love him too. It frightens me and I often question my sanity. The hardest part about all of this is that there is no physical person to sit down and talk this stuff out with. Some days I wish that I could sit down with someone who would horse Freyr for ten or fifteen minutes, so that I can get reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Of course, when ever I express my fear that I am going crazy, Loki just laughs and says cheerfully 'yer already there, kid.' I get torn between exasperation with that statement and a measure of depression. (I confess, I have flipped Loki the bird a few times when he's said that. He's either laughed at me or made a rude gesture back when I've done it. It's a gesture of affection between us. As blasphemous it might be.)

I've been reading about what other people have to say about UPG and discernment. It's reassuring to hear/read that I am on the right track. It is comforting find others having had similar experiences. And when I have gotten psychic readings from people who weren't intimately involved with the situation, I have gotten 'hits' on things that have been getting told to me by the gods. There is a mounting pile of evidence that this whole thing between Freyr and I is genuinely real, not just wish fulfillment. 

So, why do I get so anxious about it? I think it's tied to my psychological challenges. I have days where I get anxious that Beloved will get fed up with me and my issues. I have days where I feel like I can only show positive and happy things to the people who are closest to me, or they'll abandon me. (It's a particularly awful feeling when it hits with respect to the kids.) I've been struggling a lot with my psychiatric stuff. Coming to the realization that I am disabled has been really hard to bear. I wish I could say that I am moving serenely through this with peace, love, and compassion towards myself and the universe. 

The reality is, it has been ugly, hard, and exhausting. Part of the reason why I haven't been posting on here is because I get depressed and I all but give up on my writing. I also have times where I just feel sick to death with being sick. For a long while, my escape was into writing fiction. I am finding, however, that is not working for me. It seems like the only thing I can do is write stuff that some how comes back to my disability. (This post is a great example.) I also tried to escape into spiritual stuff. That escape has completely backfired. The deeper I go into my spiritual side of life, the more I find myself working on my psychiatric challenges. I think the gods are behind that. (I'm looking at you, Loki and Odin.)

I am struggling. I want to say that I am hopeful that I will come out of this experience healed and healthy. I don't know if I will be 'healed' from my disability. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel so disgusted and horrified by what I see. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not be fearful of nightmares. (The spiritwalking to be with Freyr has helped with that quite a bit. I think it's why he tolerates it so much.) I know that the way I am when I am hypomanic is not healthy. At the same time, I can't help but want to feel that optimisim and sense of boundless joy more in my life. I spend more time depressed and anxious then anything else. And, I'm sick of feeling that way.

I'm not sure what more to add right now. That's basically what's up in my neck of the woods (aside from the chaos of the kids being on summer break and us having money problems). I didn't really do anything special for Litha/Midsummer/Rosea Mundi. I spend the day enjoying my time with my family and then the evening enjoying my time with my friends. I've been burning a special rose scented candle for the gods. Loki's been more amused with the floral scented candle then annoyed with the lack of pie scented stuff. Now that the Tiger Lilies are blooming, I'll have fresh flowers for my altar and my outdoor shrine to Dea soon. I am going to take some time over the next week to clean up my altar space and make it look more 'pretty'. 

I've been looking at the pictures of other people's altars. It's like Pinterest and the pagan blogs had a baby and the result is what I have been seeing on Facebook of late. I don't know if I'll be taking a picture of it or not. I need to change some things with it, however, because it doesn't accurately reflect what I am doing now. I have commissioned a statue of Freyr from a friend of mine. (I'm paying her in handspun yarn, which she may nor may not expect. If she is reading this, I've just outed myself on this intent. LOL)

I'd like to have a statue of Loki for the altar but I can't afford to buy the ones that I've seen. I have been seriously thinking about finding a masculine Jester figure. If I could, I'd find one that looked a bit ... ominous. Because even when Loki is joking, there's that rumble of darkness behind it. Oddly enough, I find it comforting that Loki has that to him. It's like the Happy Fun Ball or something. Though, I would be the person to taunt the Happy Fun Ball and poke it with a stick. I also want something for Odin, though I'm still taking proverbial baby steps on that front.

Walking Forward.

Waning Rose Moon (25 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Mild, fair skies

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I have started the process of my part of this dance that Freyr and I are engaged in. Yesterday, I made a point of spending time on things I enjoyed and being social with friends. Today, I took time to attend to working on improving my health. I feel a touch foolish doing these things as devotional activities but as a fellow Lokean pointed out, devotional activities are things that are supposed to improve us.

I have been doing a lot more writing relating to my psychological difficulties. As this has been challenging for me to do, I feel a little less uncomfortable offering it up to Freyr. He had told me to write and did not tell me what to write. While I try to do the happier, more erotic writing for him, the daily grind of my therapy journaling has been making up the bulk of what I have been writing.

I felt his presence very strongly yesterday afternoon as I was driving out to Buffalo and back home. On the way there, it was just a very companionable presence. It was as though we were literally just taking a drive together and enjoying the countryside. On the way home, he spoke to me. I was told how I needed to stop censoring myself in my writing and to continue making my health a priority. He also expressed that when I was engaged in devotional activity for him, that he wanted my hair to be unbound.

It was a little bit awkward when he stated that. I have my prohibition from Dea to cover my hair around people who would potentially disrespect me. I'm not sure how I am going to observe that and manage to fulfill this new task from Freyr. It feels a bit awkward to have my hair unbound beneath the tichels that I wear. I wonder if this means I should start using a different style of headcovering now.

What on Earth do I think I am doing?

Waning Rose Moon (19 days old)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: humid, seasonably warm,

partly cloudy

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I think I've lost my blessed mind. I feel like perhaps this business of Freyr being interested in me as a potential spouse might actually be something I am called towards. The thing that had the scales tip in that favor was how he was constantly present over the last few days when I was dealing with a hypomanic episode. Freyr was quietly there helping me not to go on a mad cleaning binge in the middle of the night and restrain my wilder impulses. The thing that was amusingly ironic was that the fertility deity quietly but firmly said 'no, you're not healthy enough for it.' when I batted out there the possibility of some form of an intimate encounter between him and I.

People make fertility deities out to be up for sex of any flavor at all times and anytime. Freyr and his firm denial the other night showed me this stereotype is not the case. I'm not sure what this business means, though. It occurs to me that it has been approximately two years now that he has been 'courting' me. I find myself stumbling along feeling terribly confused more often then not.

Where Dea made things clear and the work she set before me is such that I can proceed with some sense of knowing what in Hel's name I am doing, this thing between Freyr and I confuses me. I am finding that confusion to be a frightening place. I struggle with my disability and find Freyr patiently standing at my side through it all. I struggle with anxiety over things like how to manage finances, and Freyr is quietly reassuring me that things will indeed get better as time goes on. While he has not scolded me, he has called me to task when I let my anxiety and fears get the better of me.

On the whole, he has been a loving, compassionate, and helpful presence in my life. It seems notable that Loki regularly prods me to get over my self-consciousness with regards to Freyr. I pray to them on a regular basis, though much of my prayer to Freyr is a mumbling 'um, hi. thank you for being here for me.' because I get tongue-tied. It is very frustrating when the words just fail me and he is so very ... attentive to what I want to say.

The interesting thing is, I think he knows what I try to say and is willing to let me struggle with how to say it because it's better for me to get the words out rather then just rely on his greater knowledge of the situation. I'm not going to go so far as to say that I am a godspouse. Freyr and Loki generally laugh at me when I say I don't know enough to be one. I haven't pledged myself to Freyr in that fashion. My fear of failure to meet what ever duties come with that kind of oath is what stops me. Freyr is of the opinion that I'll get over it soon enough.

Little things like random stalks of wheat growing next to the mailbox where there was only grass before and a Viceroy butterfly flitting about my head tells me that he is with me. I try to keep up with my little offerings and efforts. It doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm attempting to tread water where I can't reach the bottom. It is a very unnerving feeling. I catch myself fearing that all of this will be too much and that I am perhaps losing my mind. And then the gods nudge reminders that all of this truly is real into my path.

Herbalism: Vanilla Tincture.

Waxing Rose Moon (6 days old)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, mildly humid

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It has been too long since I have posted in here. To get back into the habit, I am posting the recipe for the vanilla tincture that I made recently. I have used it as the base of a perfume, for which I'll give the recipe later. It is probably one of the easiest things I have made in ages. I learned how to do this from my Mom, who had the instructions in one of her recipe books.

Magically speaking, this tincture can make an excellent component in love spells, as vanilla is an aphrodisiac. It can also be useful in home blessing spells, for vanilla is a spice associated with sweetness and positive energy. The tincture is one that can be drunk and otherwise consumed in food. It can be used in place of vanilla extract in recipes, the ratio is 1:1.

To prepare the tincture, one must first acquire a bottle of high proof alcohol. I use a 1 liter bottle of vodka. I then take a vanilla pod and split it in half. I do not scrape the seeds out but I will break the pod up into several pieces. These are then placed into the bottle of alcohol. The tincture is then allowed to infuse for at least two weeks. Once the tincture has turned a rich golden color, it is ready for use. Transfer the tincture to another clean bottle for storage, making sure it is well labeled and stored away from light or heat.

If one has access to amber colored bottles, it is good to use them for storing tinctures and other preparations because the tinted glass will reduce the effect that light has upon the chemical compounds of the tincture. It acts like a pair of sunglasses on the bottle. Light will break up the compounds in the tincture, making it less effective as time goes on and it is exposed.

What have the Gods done for me?

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Warm, fair skies, flood 

watch due to snow melt

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The lovely and admirable Galina Krasskrova posted a series of questions on her blog at her website. In an effort to post more frequently on here, I will be using these questions as blog prompts. There may be some cross posting between this blog and Veiled Witch. It is my hope to be updating according to the moon phase. Right now, however, I wanted to make up for a bit of lost time by posting today. Another post will come on the full moon as well.

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What wealth have the divinities brought into your life?

Oh my goodness, I have no idea where to begin answering this question. Pretty much all of the good that has come into my life has been either the direct fruit of the work of the Gods or something I have done as a result of their urgings. I think the first of all the list to come to mind is my very life. I was in a terrible relationship in high school. The young man in question was physically and emotionally abusive. After an incident where he had raped me, I missed my period. Looking back on all of that now and what happened to my body, I now realize that I was pregnant.

The God took me into his arms a short time after I realized this and I miscarried. This miscarriage happened at the same time I realized that I could not stay with this young man (whom had asked me to marry him and planned on giving me an engagement ring when he came home from basic training for service in the Navy) because he was going to kill me some day. The abuse continued to escalate with him as time went on, you see, it started out with comments and then progressed to sexual abuse. And then the sexual abuse began to include things like him threatening me with a hunting knife and telling me that he was going to carve me up if I left him.

I honestly believe that this realization and miscarriage saved my life. I am most sincerely certain that they were a result of the Gods actions in my life. Additionally, I believe that their intervention is why I graduated college. I had an exam for a class that I was in danger of failing that I needed to pass in order to graduate. A freak hailstorm happened at the time I was working on my exam. I then found out later that I not only passed the class (which I had assumed had to have been by the skin of my teeth when my professor announced this to me) but that I had passed the exam with a perfect score.

I also attribute the fact that my little book has been successful to the Gods as well. It was at their encouragement that I wrote it. It was also as fulfillment of a promise that I published it. To not only have learned that my little book has been helpful to others but that it has been cited in scholarly material, it has left me completely astounded and profoundly grateful.

Storytime with Loki

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 4 Days)

 Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cloudy, intermittent light snow,

seasonable temps

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So, Loki told me a story today. It involves him, Bragi, and Sága. Here's the story, who knows how it will be viewed by the community at large.
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There once was a skald with a terrible problem stuttering. His problem was so severe it threatened to rob him of his livelihood. In deep anguish, the skald turned to the gods and begged them for aid. First he went to Sága. Sága took honey and put it upon his lips. The skald went about his work and found that his stutter remained.

The skald went to Bragi and begged him for help. Bragi caught and gave him the blood of nine songbirds to drink. The skald went about his work. Much to his despair, the stutter continued.

In desperation, the skald called upon Loki. Loki came to him in his home. He took up a hot coal from the fire and pressed it to the skald's lips. The sklad jumped up with a shout and demanded to know why Loki harmed him. And then he realized, much to his amazement, his stutter was gone. And that stutter remained gone for the rest of his life.

On Kitchen Witchery.

Southern Fried Witch had a blog post that a friend of mine linked to on FB. I read it and at first I was amused. But something about it troubled me. As I read it again, that unsettled feeling deepened and then I realized I was starting to get angry. I've been thinking about it and I think I figured out just what about this makes me angry. It's two things here.

The first is the implication that if you use anything other then what great-gramma did, you're not a real kitchen witch. Boxed dinner and kitchen appliances are forbidden from the menu of a real kitchen witch, if you go by what this person has posted. I suppose it makes everything better by how they prefaced this with 'in our tradition' but I'm still hopping mad.

Great-gramma would look at you as though you've lost your bleeding mind if decided to forgo the use of a crock pot. She would be ready to either laugh you out the door or possibly whup you with that wooden spoon you're so fond of if you tried to say that time saving devices like a breadmaker were bad. She might agree with you on the boxed dinner front but this other business, she would be mad at you for being a fool.

It's nice and such that Southern Fried Witch won't stoop to buying chicken stock. It's real nice that they even raise their own chickens and I assume slaughter them as well. Who knows, maybe they even use the pinfeathers to make their own pillows. That's neither here nor there. Products like chicken stock don't make you less of a kitchen witch. Boxed dinners don't either.

You go back about a hundred years and you'll find that those people that Southern Fried Witch are holding up as the gold standard of domesticity (and therefore of proper kitchen witch behavior) would have considered giving their eye teeth for the technology and conveniences we have today. We live in an age where we're blessed with things like microwaves and refrigerators. Our stoves are vastly superior to the ovens of the past and not just on the basis of how quickly they heat up. They're a lot safer.

When was the last time you heard of somebody catching on fire while cooking dinner? It's not that common. It's actually really uncommon. There's a reason for that. Modern technology is a lot safer then what was used in the 'good ol' days'. You don't need to stick your hand in the oven to check if it is hot enough for your baking. You don't have to question if your food is going to spoil before you get to use it on the off chance that a hot day makes the ice in the icebox melt faster.

And let's not forget the wonders that we have outside of the kitchen. Want to get those fabrics nice and white? Well, you can either bleach them out in the sun which takes a lot of time or use bleach. What about cleaning up the home? That right there can be a major act of magic. Vacuum cleaners are wonderful things, as are laundry machines and dryers. Do you want to give those up or sneer at people who stoop to using those devices because they're not 'real' enough for you?

For some kitchen witches, there isn't the time to make that homemade chicken stock. Some of us have small children and tight schedules that require we use those newfangled modern things that Southern Fried Witch would look down their nose at us for. It doesn't make us inferior. It just means that we have different lives and different constraints we're working in. What Southern Fried Witch fails to recognize is the privilege that they have in being able to raise their own chickens and cook lots of stuff from scratch.

It is not as easy as they make it sound to own chickens and mind the house. I grew up in a home that we did that sort of stuff. Lots of people don't live where they have the luxury of being able to own a pet, let alone some sort of livestock, like chickens. It's not because they are lazy. In some cases, it is because that's what they have to do to afford where they live. In some cases, it is because they don't have the means to support a pet or the knowledge to even keep fairly simple (in the grand scheme of things) livestock like chickens. Southern Fried Witch is casting stones at people that they have no grounds to do so because they don't know what those people are living with.

And that is shameful. I'm pretty sure that great-gramma would pin Southern Fried Witch's ears back for that. By the way, speaking of shameful, the fact that Southern Fried Witch tacks on at the end of their post that they've put out a book followed by a backhanded insult to the people who would read said book is repulsive. When you spend a full blog post talking about how people who depend upon books for their knowledge basis are inferior kitchen witches (or inferior witches at large), you give up the right to advertise and solicit customers for your book. You don't piss on your readers and then expect them to step up and shell out their hard earned cash. It doesn't work that way.

I am beyond disgusted. I am beyond disappointed. I will confess, I am damn near livid over this. I hadn't heard of Southern Fried Witch before now. If I had stumbled on to the blog before now and never seen this garbage, I'd probably read the blog and even look for new interesting recipes. This, however, is something that I can't condone.

I am a family tradition based kitchen witch. One of the things that my tradition taught me was you catch more flies with honey then you do vinegar. Treat the readers with respect. If you can't walk a mile in somebody else's shoes then at least give them the benefit of a doubt until they have proven otherwise. Last time I checked, the culture of the South encouraged a measure of civility and grace. Southern Fried Witch failed to exhibit that. This Yankee is pointing that out and encouraging everybody else to give them wide berth. 

That awkward moment...

That awkward moment when you realize that you fall down on the hard polytheist side of the ledger rather then the soft polytheist or soft-ish side.

I now understand why the deities have been so amused with me of late. I have been struggling with this idea of soft versus hard polytheism. At one point, I even was questioning my spiritual path. And then I had this startling realization, the gods are truly unique and separate beings from each other. This makes the whole matter of Dea even more confusing, I confess. It was the question of if a person has multiple personalities, are they a single person or multiple people sharing a body that did it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the multiple personality question really couldn't apply to deities. Or should I say, the 'multiple people sharing a body' thing couldn't apply. Because I have had experiences where more then one deity interacted with me at the same time. I don't think that works for people with DID/MPD. That single body thing constrains interaction to a 'one at a time' kind of thing, from what I've been able to figure out by my research. Soft polytheism takes the concept of deity and turns it into a multiple persons in one body situation.

But, having deities manifest at the same time and doing entirely different things at the same time shows that they're not sharing a 'body'. The Divine Mother confuses me. That confusion, I confess, has me a bit anxious and running in proverbial circles at the moment. I'm sure it will clear itself up.

I know that she has work for me to do. It will be a case where she will give me what I need to do it and I think part of that will be information that will help with this confusion. The gods are generous like that.

How to contact Loki?

Full Snow Moon (Age: 14 Days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cloudy, remnants of winter
storm Pax moving out
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 An anonymous reader posted the following last week: I have a question. you see, Loki has been my one true love...for many years. I talk to him all the time, ALL THE TIME! I would die to hear him, to get some sage advice and a pat on the head. is there some way you can reach out to me, and maybe lend a hand. I would love it. Thank you. on Hail Flame Hair! Hail Scar Lip! Hail Loki!

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First, thank you, my friend, for reading my blog. It is always delightful to hear from the folks who read this. I hope that you are enjoying my efforts.

Now, let's get to the meat of your question. How does one receive communication from the gods? There's this idea floating around the pagan community of the 'godphone' wherein people will automatically hear a response back from the deities as though they would talking to another physical person.

While some folks, like myself may have the gift of hearing the gods reply back to them, it is more common that the gods communicate with us by way of signs. It may not be as dramatic as the proverbial burning bush, it may be things as simple as a particularly well timed bit of aid from an unexpected source or as complex as having random snippets of conversation overheard match what would be their side of your mental conversation.

Much of my communication with Loki comes by way of a mixture of these signs and what I suppose you could call spirituality based audio/visual hallucinations. It took me years to reach the point where I had enough awareness of my own thoughts that I could distinguish the difference between myself and something 'other'. Where the audio hallucinations that I have during depressive episode induced psychosis are always the same (and with the medication that I am currently on, I haven't had any in a while) the spiritual contact ones are different. They change from each incident.

Additionally, when I concentrate on something else, they don't have occasions where they go quiet with sufficient effort. Between this and the fact that I am on a fairly high dosage of antipsychotics, I can't help but reason that my spiritual contact hallucinations are genuine manifestations of deity. When I have times where I am not sure if what my spiritual contact hallucinations are informing me of, I use divination (the study of signs) to confirm and clarify.

It is good to keep a record of your divination efforts and note down themes that come up when you are reading on the matter of divine contact. Just the same, it is equally vital to note recurrent events that are too full of synchronicity to be purely random. A dear friend of mine, another Lokiswoman, had a message delivered literally by having books falling on her head. Another associate had items in her home randomly get moved from where she placed them to her altar when no human hand had touched them.

If you wish to consider divination, pyromancy (also known as fire gazing) may be one to attempt. Loki is a fire deity and this would be a medium that he would very easily use to communicate. Most importantly, this would be a medium that you would find very easy to associate with him.

Building up a strong association between a method of contact and the deity you wish to communicate with helps facilitate that contact. If you are going to engage in pyromancy, keep a notebook handy. Watch the flames for images that form in them. Note them down and then interpret them like you would a dream. If pyromancy is not the method you wish to use, another technique that is very strongly associated with the Norse deities is rune reading.

There are many, many methods of reading runes. Some one who is new to rune reading may find a great deal of information available on the internet. Consider each rune that you pull individually and note down what you determine for each. Then consider the collection of them as a whole. As with other forms of divination, you are looking for distinct patterns in the signs and common themes between the readings.

If you do not have divination tools in your home, consider either contacting someone for a reading (I do them part time via Keen.) or using one of the free sites available.

It is very good that you have an active prayer life. This means that some of the work for communication with Loki is already done. Now, all you have to do is figure out the way that he is responding back. I assure you, he does respond to us when we pray (as to all gods). Sometimes the answer is a non-answer. Sometimes the answer is profound. And there are times where they respond with something that seems completely unrelated to the matter until it becomes clear after the fact that it makes a lot of sense.

Wait... what?

Moon: Waxing Snow (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cloudy, winter storm warning 

(Winter storm Nika)

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Information coming to me from various different sources points that Freyr wants an intensely intimate relationship with me. I keep running in proverbial circles and attempting to dodge the subject because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have been put on notice that my time of running in circles is over. I am sitting here trying to break down the reasons why I am so terribly convinced that this is so much more then what I am qualified for.

I keep boiling it down to I'm scared to reach for something more. It keeps getting said to me that I am to be his god-spouse and I... I flail and retort with 'I don't know enough to do that. I'm not qualified. I'm married already (with children). He wouldn't be my primary relationship. etc." The responses have been terribly calm and reducing it all back down to the fact that I am scared.

I suppose I have taken the first step down this path by agreeing to do what ever this thing that I am doing with him that I am doing right now. It feels terribly, terribly egocentric to say that I am a deity's girl friend. I flail and do the psychic 'hide behind my hands' thing but that doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Deities can see right through that, no matter how hard you strive to shield yourself.

MaterDraco suggested that I sit down and have a conversation with him like I would any human being. Her suggestion that I figure out what it is I'm looking for in a relationship with him just blew my mind. I'm left reeling and asking 'what on earth do you ask of a deity who wants you to be their bride?' I feel that I have moved out into terribly, terribly deep water and that my swimming skills are not up to the task of keeping myself afloat, never mind navigating the blue.

I suppose this is where it is a good thing that the god who is asking for this has a boat and knows how to sail?

Conversations with the gods...

So, I had a conversation with Loki and a conversation with Freyr last night. The one with Loki was harder then the one with Freyr, surprisingly. Both of them called me to task for despairing over my prognosis with my psychiatric issues. Loki was particularly direct in confronting me. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to allow myself to ignore my needs when I was depressed.

There were several times over the course of my most recent depressive episode that I was tempted and attempted to go with out eating. I was then struck with the most random situations where the urge to eat overwhelmed me. Some people would say that I'm ascribing to deities what was actually my bodily urges, but the weird part about the urge to eat was that I didn't feel hungry at all. I just felt that I had to eat something RIGHT NOW. And once I started on something small it some how turned into a normal sized meal. It was a normal sized meal comprised of things I wouldn't usually put together, but it was a normal sized meal.

In the depressed fog, I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't say anything about the fact that I was struggling with eating but I was pushed through that phase of the depression by these weird fits of I MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS. Looking back and considering the sternness with which Loki emphasized that I needed to make sure I ate properly, I am fairly certain that it was Loki's work that I felt that I had to eat when I did and how I did. Loki, in the midst of his solemn and most serious lecture, also called me on the carpet for not exercising.

He basically said that I had no excuse for not doing my back exercises at the very least. I was told that I had no right to deny myself health. I was about to argue that it was my body and I could do what I wanted with it when Loki brought up how my children and my husband were dependent upon me to remain in good health. That pretty much killed the sophomoric retort cold. I actually felt somewhat ashamed of that point.

It was a very uncomfortable discussion. I really didn't like having it put right into my face how selfish I was being in choosing to neglect my welfare. At the same time, he did make a point of reminding me that there are times where I will have difficulty doing the things that I must for my health. And he reminded me that it was alright so long as I made the attempt. I was also quite pointedly told that unless I was deprived of sleep, I was not to take naps during the day.

That is going to be hard to do. Loki wasn't telling me that I was a bad person for doing so. He told me that it was a symptom that I had to resist like the urges to harm myself. Loki said that my sleeping through the day until the kids got home was actually contributing to making my depression worse. I was actually told to drink coffee rather then give it to him in offering in the morning on those days. Knowing how much he loves his coffee, that made a big impression on me.

Freyr was a bit less brutal in what he had to say. It was a lot of the same kind of stuff that Loki had to say. He also gently chided me for not doing the journaling that my therapist and my psychiatrist told me to work on. I was also told that I was being foolish for insisting that I wasn't someone important. Freyr then listed out how I was important to people around me. Some of the things he mentioned I were aware of but I put aside because I was under the mistaken impression that to hold them up would to be immodest.

And then there were things like how people I knew as acquaintances on FB looked for my generally positive, wry commentary on life because it helped them get through the day. I was told how my sardonic sense of humor helps lift some people out of their own depressed days and my resilient courage in the face of my illness gives them hope. It was something of a shock. I thought that because I didn't have a lot of back and forth traffic on FB that people just kinda had me friended but didn't really have interest in interacting with me. Freyr also told me that I should step up and be more active socially on FB.

His argument was that if I can make myself more comfortable communicating with people via electronic media then I can become more comfortable doing it via face to face. He said FB because it was less effort then the other outlets that I have. I was also told to stop worrying about my readership with my writing.

On the whole the gods were very direct in what they had

Diamonds and Trees

Something I saw on FB reminded me of a conversation that I've had a few times with Beloved. We both want our remains to be cremated when we die. I don't want to just sit in a box on a shelf, to be honest. No matter how pretty that box might be. Considering it all, I truly like the idea of having my ashes turned into diamonds. They figure they can get about nine diamonds out of the average body. As such, I would want three to go to each of the guys in my life.

Another option that I am interested in and would be more then happy to support is the idea of my ashes nurturing a tree. The prospect of my life feeding another life feels even more fitting then being turned into diamonds that could be passed down through the family. I don't know which option is going to be the right one for me when I expire. I do know, however, that planning and considering what I want done with my remains will make the day that I die easier for my living family members.

I love them and I don't want them to be struggling with these kinds of heart wrenching decisions in the midst of struggling with the grief of it all.

New Year, new efforts.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 Days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Mild, partly cloudy, cool front

moving in from the west

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have not been as diligent in updating here as I have been with my other blog. I intend to correct this. While I am probably not going to be updating one to two times every week, I am going to attempt to do so at the very least near the full moon. So much has happened since my last post, I'm not exactly sure where to begin. I find it very... telling that my last entry in here was discussing the Dead.

Aug. 22, 2013, my paternal grandfather died due to complications from his brain cancer. It was near when I did my last post that I saw my grandfather still ambulatory and he had the beginnings of the shroud around him. I knew that he was going to die soon, I just wasn't sure how soon. The night of Aug. 21, I saw Bifrost in the sky. Some people would say that it was nothing more then atmospheric phenomena. I'm sure that Grandpa would have chuckled and said that too.

At the time he died, I looked up at the sky on a pull of intuition and I saw Bifrost again. There were no rain clouds and the apparent rainbow wasn't where it would typically be in the case of a sundog or a halo. When I spoke to my Mom later on the phone, I had chills when she told me what time he died. I find myself curious if I'll be seeing the Rainbow Bridge when it draws close to when my paternal Grandmother or any other relatives die.

Peace is an uneasy thing between my parents and I. We're making an effort. As such, we went to Thanksgiving dinner and had planned to stop by Christmas Eve. That went awry when the kids got sick. I must admit, it is a curious thing. Perhaps it is merely bad timing. But this makes two years in a row that we planned to go and visit my side of the family around Christmas and people got sick at the last minute. (A part of me wonders if they assume that we're just making excuses or not. I try not to perseverate on that overly much.) New Year's eve and day were yet another go-round with everybody being sick at my place. It finally cleared up in time for the kids to go to school.

On the witchery front, things have been fairly quiet due to everything that has been going on. I have done a few hex breakings, a spell to restore lost and stolen goods to their rightful owners, and a few healing spells. I have also been lighting candles for people who have been in need of Divine assistance. Slowly, my little notebook of people I pray for has been growing. I am going to put out a public note (here and elsewhere) that if people would like me to pray for them, they should let me know. 

Every Monday, I pray a variant of the Rosary (when I have time or remember). Dea has been forgiving of my difficulties when I am not able to do so. Since Yule, I have been keeping a light on the altar at all times. It's just something that I felt pulled to do. I'm not sure how much longer I should keep doing it. I figure the gods will let me know one way or the other. I keep a light in my little 'hearth' (a soapstone oil burner with an electric votive candle) for Brighid.

I give Loki a cup of coffee just about daily. I am getting over my anxiety about Freyr being interested in me. I have a little portable shrine that I made for him sitting on the altar. I felt like that was something appropriate to do. I have been keeping a little electric candle there too. Freyr has been getting tea. I have been writing for him as well. It's been exceptionally awkward for me to be writing adult literature for him but it seems to be something he appreciates.

At his urging, I have been putting more serious effort into my writing. I have been dedicating the time I put in on that work to him as well. I pledged that from the solstice to the equinox, I would give being one of his 'people' a try. It's nerve wracking but I'm realizing that most of the problem is me proverbially stumbling over my own feet. I feel fortunate that Freyr's response to this has been patience and more then a little bit of good humor. I get the impression that he finds my awkwardness around him endearing.

Dea has ever so quietly been making it know that she wants me to continue my work on the Veiled Witch blog and that my half baked idea of writing another book of prayers (this time being an adaptation of the book of psalms) should be made into a reality. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. It has been a very strange and very challenging last few weeks.

I think that I am in the midst of making strides, though I have no idea where this is all going. The gods just smile at me and the Dead are all being my cheering section. I suppose this is where one takes that step forward in faith and trust that they will be caught as they tumble into the abyss. I hate the sensation of falling but I suppose that is the first step towards learning to fly.

New Moon Musings

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 2 Days)

Sign: Virgo, void of course @ 7 pm

Weather: Cloudy, rainy

~*~*~*~*~*~

I missed the exact date of the New Moon, but I am still going to do my monthly ramble. I sit here with a legacy of my deceased Aunt Shawn on. I can feel her with me. She has no commentary or anything to share, but her presence is a comfort. I keep looking at the ring and wishing that I hadn't pushed her away from me during the last year of her life.

I think back to when I was younger and I see a mixture of good and bad memories. I reflect on the past and I try to keep up this practicing of mindful kindness towards myself. Aunt Shawn was a big part of my life. I loved her deeply and I still do. I think she's proud of what I have done with my life. I think that she would have seen the kind of mother I am and been pleased with what I am doing. I am more then a little bit certain that she is would be proud of what I have accomplished with my education and my spiritual growth. 

I try to spend a little time during the New Moon reconnecting with the beloved Dead from my life. Today, I sit here drinking Red Rose tea with heaps of sugar in it, like I had when I was younger and visiting her and my Auntie Adrian. I'm wearing her ring on my first finger of my right hand, just as she wore it on hers. Sometimes, reminiscing and sharing the company of the Dead is a stronger way to reconnect then all the fancy rituals you can think of.

Hail to the Dead! May you find peace in your repose. May your memory be praised and loved.

Make every action a prayer.

Waning Hay Moon (age: 28 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been rather busy around here. This is literally the first opportunity I have had to post anything here. I have been engaged in a lot of prayer over the last month. Health issues lead to a period of convalescence in a hospital in July. During this time, I spent a great deal of effort in prayer. As I get life back to normal around home, the focus on prayer has not shifted.

Indeed, I have moved from quietly murmuring something as I moved about the room to keeping a prayerful mind as I engaged in my tasks during the day. It was a comforting counterpoint and change from the habit of worry.  It was surprisingly easy to dedicate my efforts towards the Divine. Even when I was engaged in serious introspection this afternoon, I took a moment to dedicate those efforts to the Gods.

It may seem a bit silly to some and overly pious to others. After all, something as mundane as washing dishes is not the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of a contemplative prayer. Most people think of a monk or a similar person cloistered in a still, silent location with all of their focus on the Divine. While there is a place for such devotional activities, most of us don't have that luxury of freedom from distractions. 

This is where I draw inspiration from *gasp* the Catholic St. Therese of Lisieux. She taught and practiced what she called the Little Way. It was by small, daily acts of kindness and compassion to all about her that St. Therese developed herself spiritually. If something as simple as taking the cracked cup that others didn't want could build such a wise soul, surely it can prove of equal use in honoring the Divine. I have read her autobiography several times and I highly recommend it.

I confess, I draw a great deal of inspiration from medieval Catholicism. I find comfort in doing my best to pray every day at all times. I can not always sing chants in honor of the deities I follow. I can, however, dedicate what work I do to them. Thus, I strive to build a devotional relationship that will sustain me during the times of difficulty that come. 

It is this relationship that I find comfort in when nothing else can sooth my troubled heart. For, in putting daily effort into devotional activity, I open up a channel whereby the Divine may return the contact. I am honestly confused by how others can subsist on limited weekly contact. I look at that type of life and I am confused. To live with such a meager amount of conscious exchange with the Divine seems to me torment.

The Divine is all about me. Everything I encounter and experience is an aspect of it. Even that which most others would term as 'evil' is a piece of the Divine. All things flow from this source and remain part of it. To shut my eyes to this is foolish, for even in the darkness behind my lids, the Divine is still present. Thus, I do my best to deeply engage in worship, so that I may be better attuned to the flow of the will of the Divine. In such attunement, I have found nothing less then pure ecstasy and a peace that I can not express in words.

Devotional for Loki.

Waning Thunder Moon (Age: 18 days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Cool, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~

I am unsure what to write. I am a bit late to the Month of Devotionals for Loki party. Life and my disabilities conspired to have me at a point where I wasn't able to do anything on this front until now. Looking over the last few weeks, I am at an utter loss for what I should write. I found myself getting a very direct and personal view of the world with World-Breaker in his mad aspect. It was more than a little disconcerting in the hospital.

At the same time, I refused to fear him. Did I fear the people around me? Yes. There were people who left me a whimpering, terrified wreck that I had to deal with. But, I did not fear Loki. Not even when he gave me a manic grin and asked questions that triggered my PTSD or pushed the issue regarding my social phobia. Oddly, he didn't push the points that were fragile. 

He didn't probe or challenge the depression matter or the psychotic symptoms that resulted from it. I knew that he was watching me and taking my measure, weighing something about me against something else, something I don't begin to have a clue what it could be. As I started to turn the proverbial corner on dealing with these two crucial issues, Loki seemed to redouble his press on the other points. I found myself walking around half-triggered for panic attacks most of my stay at the hospital. They happened a plenty. Loki just kept going 'Well, where's your self control? Where's your iron will, valkyrie? Stand.'

So, I dug in deep into myself and I struggled mightily to pit my will against my symptoms. As my buttons kept getting pushed, I found it harder and harder to hold out. Then, one day, World-Breaker opened his hand and set it upon me. That day was the hardest of them because my PTSD was triggered all day and the triggering events kept becoming progressively more and more extreme. Then, just as I thought I couldn't bear any more, he gave me a means of escape.

The room that I was in, that evening, erupted into utter chaos. People screamed. Someone jumped another person and smacked the hell out of them. Another person threw a chair. I cowered in the corner, praying that they wouldn't hurt me. Things calmed for a moment and I seized that moment and fled. As I resisted the urge to run with a wail of terror, I could feel Flamehair watching me. I moved swiftly, quietly, and with an outward appearance of mild distress out of the room and down the hall to where my assigned room was.

Once in there, I moved to the one position in the room that I could not be easily viewed from the door and I waited. I watched. I listened to the nurses scrambling to get the situation under control. And when all was quiet again, I pushed aside my terror and ventured back out in to the common milieu of the ward. I continued to push my terror aside over the next three days as things escalated quickly and had the awful potential for violence like a supercell for tornadoes. And I am certain that Loki was testing me, even certain that he had drop kicked me into there to get my situation handled.

I hope that I had passed my test. I learned the value of a tactical withdrawal and of a well placed lie. 

I know it's not the flaming glory covered writing that others are probably going to pen in Loki's honor. It is, however, the best I can do at this time. Even in the midst of chaos and danger, I will continue to put my trust into Loki. What ever comes, I will trust him. I don't know how that changes anything, if it changes anything at all. I only know that I will walk forward with faith, even if I am just this side of pissing myself in terror.

Wedding Vows for ceremony 6/19/13

Love is the prime mover of all things. It is Love that hols the stars within their courses, and all the worlds of the immeasurable cosmos within the harmony of the celestial music. Love is the soul of harmony by which all existence is made possible. And it is for Love's sake that we have gathered today to witness the union of these two people, (Bride) and (Groom).

Who gives away this woman into the bonds of matrimony?

[reply]

Do you, (Bride), take this person, (Groom), as your lawfully wedded spouse? Do you solemnly vow to cherish (Groom) at all times, in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow, and in all other things that come to pass? Do you solemnly vow to protect (Groom) in times of weakness and celebrate him in time of happiness?

[reply]

Do you, (Groom), take this person, (Bride), as your lawfully wedded spouse? Do you solemnly vow to cherish (Bride) at all times, in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow, and in all other things that come to pass? Do you solemnly vow to protect (Bride), and her son, (name), in times of weakness and celebrate them in times of happiness?

[reply]

Do you, the gathered, witness this exchanging of vows?

[reply]

The rings, please.

(Bride), please repeat after me: With this ring, I take thou as mine own, uniting us and adding to my family.

(Groom), please repeat after me: With this ring, I take thou as mine own, uniting us and adding to my family.

It is by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce (Groom) and (Bride) as husband and wife.

Theological Consideration: Death, Afterlife, & Reincarnation

Before we continue our discussion of magical practices, let us pause to briefly consider the age old question of death. In many different sects of Wicca, death is viewed as a transition to an afterlife in a location known as the Summerlands. The Summerlands are a place of rest and respite for the soul. Reunion with beloved dead who had passed before you is considered a common element of one's passage to the Summerlands. It is also believed that all forms of life pass on to the Summerlands when they die.

The most predominant belief in modern Wicca is that reincarnation is possible and happens fairly regularly. This, in conjunction with the belief in the Summerlands (or something similar) provides the theological foundation of how modern Wicca approaches death. It is, in short, a natural transition to another phase in life that is no more fearful then birth or growing older.

Within my tradition of witchcraft, it is a touch more complex then this. Reincarnation is possible and does happen. It is also equally likely that one will choose to remain within the spiritual realms. A phenomenon which I refer to as the Veil acts as a subtle barrier between the living and the dead. The Veil tend to be more resistant to penetration in locations where there is a great deal of live activity. Places traditionally associated with the dead are places more permeable because there is a greater concentration of this energy in conjunction with the thoughtforms that associate the dead with this location. As such, the Veil is thinned and communication with the dead or other spiritual beings is easier.

If one chooses not to reincarnate upon their passage to the spiritual side of things, they have their choice of places of rest and habitation. Some choose to remain close to the physical world, thus there are hauntings and people who have spirits about them. Others move to places traditionally associated with the dead, for the thoughtforms are far more cemented and 'physical' in the spiritual realm.

There is not strictly only Heaven or Hell for where the dead might go. There are many, many different locations. Every spiritual abode of the dead that has been conceptualized exists in the spiritual realms. In my practice, I have traveled to several different locations by way of a trance journey. (The general response to a living soul visiting is one of pleasant surprise. In a few locations I was firmly invited to leave.) The thing that I find is the most consistent with all of the locations I have traveled to is that those who had lived a life that was virtuous and in accordance with the beliefs of their chosen faith were treated well. Those who had especially proven to be outstanding examples of such traits were held with honor and had a higher status among the others.

Those who failed to do so were of lower status and, when applicable, punished in accordance with the traditions of their faith. The most telling thing about this arrangement was that there were many people who chose to put themselves into the lower status conditions because they had felt that they deserved them. It was an interesting discovery, to be perfectly frank. Some, however, were not permitted to take on lower status then what they had earned. These spirits were frequently bewildered by their good fortune. It was explained to me that it took a measure of time for these souls to acclimate to their surroundings and unlearn the habits of self criticism. Some may ask, how do people who operate in a mixed religion situation fare upon death. In this, I have found that they spend time in the places accorded to them by their mixed religions with a portion of time for each location.

The many deities of death are varied and of different minds with respect to their charges and of visitors. If one wishes to trance journey to a specific spiritual realm, it is wise to study the mythology and lore of that realm. This helps to make one familiar with the 'architecture' of the realm and makes it easier for them to interact with the denizens of those locations. I also advise to leave an offering for all deities and spiritual beings involved in the trance journey. It is simply a matter of good manners to express your gratitude for their assistance.

Vows for future service.

Love is the prime mover of all things. And it is for Love's sake that we have gathered today to witness the union of these two people (Name) and (Name). Do you (Name) take this person, (Name) as your lawfully wedded spouse?  Do you (Name) take this person, (Name) as your lawfully wedded spouse? Do you, the gathered, witness this exchanging of vows?

It is by the power vested in me by the State of New York and the authority of the Church of Ancient Paths, I pronounce (Name) and (Name) as husband and wife/wife and husband/husband and husband/wife and wife.

God's got my back.

Waning Pink Moon (Age: 28 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy with 

intermittent rain

~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn't sleep well last night. It happens some times. The thing that makes this notable isn't my poor sleep last night but how I woke from my nap this morning. I was having horrific nightmares. I kept trying to wake myself from them and failing. Then, as I was having a nightmare of being trapped in an office fending off some violent people with a pistol (for all my gamer friends & readers, I was taking only headshots and succeeding but it was like the zombie outbreak from hell), Frey sent in people to pull me out of it.

I went from crouching at a door, desperately conserving ammo and doing my best to aim to watching as a group of special forces operatives mowed down the people amassed against me. When I looked at them, their clothes and appearances shifted. In one glance, they looked like U.S. special ops. In the next, they looked like vikings. They kept moving back and forth between these two groups as they cut their way through the swath of foes. 

When they reached me, the leader of the group said "Frey sent me." but I heard at the same time "Seal team six." As soon has he put a hand on my wrist, the tableaux changed and I was in the dance studio that served as Sensei Cathy's dojo. Frey was there, even as I was struggling to break myself free from a wrist hold that I was in with a very tall man and beginning to panic.

Frey walked up and said "Time to wake up." And then I felt like I was pulled up out of deep water. I woke with a gasp for air, even as the lingering, creeping feeling of terror was still settled over me. I lay for a few minutes under the covers, looking around the room and reassuring myself that I was awake. It took me a little bit.

I was still feeling terribly unsettled when I sat down at the computer. Then Frey helped me again. He pointed out a song that Beloved has on here. As I listened to it, I was moved to tears because I realized it was a song that reminded him of me. Frey quietly said to me "You need to remember what is real."

Sometimes, my greatest foe is not outside of my head. Sometimes, it is my very active imagination and past trauma. It may sound a little strange to say that a nightmare of fending off terrorists (?) is related to past trauma, but in the snarled web of my mind, it does make sense. I had been struggling with a blurring of the present and the past, with only a brief respite when Beloved and I had sex last night. 

Frey grabbed hold of me and dragged me back into the present even as he ripped me out of my nightmares. I know it doesn't sound like much for a 'theological' musing, but I feel that this fits the theme. It's not everyday that you get a very direct reminder that gods are here to help you. Well, in my cause, I guess it should say it's not everyday that I need a clue by four to the head on that one. Either way, I am thankful to him.

I still feel a bit off, but nothing like what I would have been like with out his help.