Pagan Blog Project: M - Meditation

Some people find meditation difficult. I believe this is because they take the wrong approach to it. They see the images of people sitting in full lotus with their eyes closed and no apparent connection with the rest of the world. They read of extremely practiced people who meditate managing to accomplish impressive mental feats. The most impressive, I think, was the level of discipline and control exhibited by the Buddhist monk who lit himself on fire in protest of the mistreatment of the Buddhists by the South Vietnamese government in 1963. These are exceptional people who have accomplished exceptional feats of the mind.

A novice should not expect themselves to accomplish this. They will be quickly frustrated and disappointed. Quite possibly enough so to never attempt meditation again. Meditation, however, is a simple practice that serves to help sharpen the mind and quiet the spirit. It is something that can be done with out any emphasis upon belief in any 'higher' entity. It is simply a mental exercise that can be beneficial for most anyone who endeavors to engage in it. There has been serious scientific study that has verified this claim to be accurate.

A quick search about the internet shows that much has been written for the lay person about how to engage in meditation. I will not rehash that material, because it has been more then sufficiently covered by others. Instead, I wish to share with you my experience with meditation.

One of my favorite forms of meditation is walking meditation. I focus upon the physical sensations of walking and on my environment. It is not as 'deep' of a form of meditation as others, but I find it quite enjoyable and an excellent form of stress reduction. I combine the positive endorphins from light exercise with mindful attentiveness to my environment. More often then not, I find myself noticing things like small flowers along the sidewalk, the pleasant way light slants through the trees, or the smiles of people having a pleasant conversation as they are waiting in their cars for the light to change.

Another active form of meditation that I enjoy is spinning. I'm not referring to the popular exercise but rather the craft of making thread from raw fiber. Part of the reason why I enjoy it, I admit, is the fact that it is a simple, repetitive task that I find relaxing. I am sure that other people find knitting to be soothing for the same reason. I find myself able to go into a 'deeper' meditative state whilst spinning because my attention is more focused upon a single act. At times, I may combine spinning with walking, and then it is just as if I am doing my usual walking meditation.

I also have a more restive form of meditation that I find highly pleasurable. That, quite simply, is prayer. Sitting in quiet, contemplative prayer is more like the image of meditation that people expect. I don't sit in a special posture. (My arthritic knees don't let me get into full lotus and at times make it hard to sit with my legs crossed on the floor, sadly.) I close my eyes to help cut distractions. Sometimes, I have a set of prayer beads on hand. I will use them to count my prayers to help me stick to a certain time frame for meditation.

Any action done with mindful attention can be meditation. If you are mindful and attentive while washing the dishes, this is a meditative act. If you are mindful and attentive while reading a book, this is a meditative act. The beautiful thing about meditation is how it can be anything you need it to be.

Pagan Blog Project: M - Magic

I'm pretty sure that everybody and their cousin are posting about this topic. Magic seems to be one of the most popular parts of modern paganism. I'm not going into talking about the 'woo' stuff. No descriptions of rituals or anything else dramatic like that. No talk of energy manipulation or anything else that is stock and trade.

If you want to see powerful magic, I've got something amazing for you. Watch children growing up. Watch seeds burst into plants and those plants stretching up to the Sun. Watch the processes of life all around you. Each of these things are magic. All of the ordinary wonders that we take for granted, take a second and recognize how amazing they are.

The statistical likelihood of life on our planet is small compared to the rest of the universe. The statistical likelihood of YOUR existence is small. There is but ONE person like you out of all of humanity. This is wonderful. It is magic at work.

Pagan Blog Project: L - Love

The sun rides high, this Litha and passions often do so as well this time of year. Heat and humidity can bring out the surly qualities in most anyone. That, however, is not the focus of my entry today. Today, I am writing, yet again, about love.

Love is a topic that is close to my heart. It is a wondrous and special emotion that can bring out the extremes of one's personality. Many people think of romantic love when ever the word is mentioned. Love, however, has many more facets. Let me take a moment to list the different forms of love that there are out there in the world:

• Romantic
• Filial
• Platonic
• Obsessive
• Agape
• Abstract
• Self
• Narcissistic

This is a partial list. There could be many, many more forms that could be added to the list, but that will move me away from the main point of my writing today.

I am of the opinion that our capacity for love is one of the traits that sets us apart from the other species. I believe that it is possible to describe the devotion of a pet for their owners as love, but I think it is a greater likelihood that it is pack oriented behavior projected upon the humans that is in the pets life. I don't think that this is some how diminishing the experience of love, only that we're anthropomorphizing the animal's experience and failing to consider it from their perspective.

If there can be no consensus on even one aspect of human emotion, how can we possibly begin to approach an understanding of an animal's emotions. Further more, it is an enormous act of hubris to claim that we can understand the emotions of a deity. They may speak to us but the do so in terms that we may understand. We will never fully comprehend the depth of love a deity may have for us.

Let's stop trying to play pin the meaning on the word (a lexographic version of pin the tail on the donkey) and accept that there are aspects of love that we'll never understand and are far greater then human conception. Only by accepting this can we begin to truly understand our own capacity for boundless, unconditional love.

Pagan Blog Project: L - Loki

At one point, I didn't dare mention Loki by name. I was fearful of him bringing utter chaos into my life. Having experienced a great deal of unpleasantness, I was more then a little gun shy about directly invoking him or mentioning him. Even when I did so by a round about way via epithets, Loki still made a significant bit of noise to make his presence felt.

I guess it was about a year and a half a go, I realized that my anxiety over getting Loki's attention was doing me more harm then good. It was a measure of 'I surrender' and a measure of 'just do what you're going to do, already!' behind my decision to mention Loki directly. Since then, I think it's happened at least once a day. Amusingly enough, life has calmed down a fair amount.

A part of me says that the random outbreaks of weirdness on the heels of mentioning Loki's name in the past was quite possibly a case of him trying to get my attention. At one point in the past, I figured that people who had an active relationship with their deity was something that happened on a special case basis. I didn't feel isolated or rejected by my gods. But I didn't have that daily chat with them kind of relationship either. To be honest, it was the daily chat relationship that I was looking for. (Oh, for a cheap laugh, I had made the typo of  'loki-ing'.)

I now have it. And it is with the deity that I had least expected it to happen with. Loki regularly makes snarky comments about life, people, and the gods. He offers me encouragement and advice when I am struggling. He exhorts me to do things that are healthful and good for me. It's like having a friend at my side. It feels a little strange to say that I am friends with a god, but if the Christians can do it, then so can I.

Loki, thank you for being here for me, even when I didn't realize that was the case.

Pagan Blog Project: K - Kitchen witch.

My mother had one in her kitchen. I now have one in my kitchen. I'm pretty sure that family back in the old country had them in their kitchens. The Kitchen Witch doll is a simple little luck charm. I made myself one from a corn husk doll, a bit of fabric, and a wooden spoon I had decorated and blessed a few years back.

It's a very simple little thing. I made a point of giving the doll a headscarf. I figured since the goddesses in my life have been appearing veiled, I may as well make my kitchen witch be veiled as well. All the materials I used are recycled or similarly something I had on hand.

The corn was a major portion of my lunch today and it was delicious. I cut up the other cobs for the boys to have tonight with dinner. The other husks were used to make other corn husk dolls. One was a failed attempt and got promptly put into my composting bucket. The other is out in my flowerbed as a little scarecrow.

Gardening & Domestic Magic

As kitchen witch, I have many areas that magic is applied outside of the ritual circle. In my kitchen, for example, I use a lot of magic with my cooking. I bless food to bring health and well being to those who consume it. I will use herbs based on their magical associations in addition to their culinary uses. I (try) to incorporate home blessing magic into all of the cleaning that goes on in the kitchen. A simple pot of chicken soup turns into a powerful 'potion' for healing when you add a little magic. And like any spice, a little magic can go a very long way.

I have also been busy at work striving to employ magic in my gardening. Unlike some other lucky souls, I haven't the space for a big flower bed, vegetable bed, or herb bed. The majority of what I am growing is in pots arranged to get the most sunlight as possible on the back deck. I have a small flower bed that only gets sun in the late afternoon. A few other flowers in pots with some houseplants, and that's the extent of what I can do for gardening. I work, however, to make each thing I am growing or dealing with in my gardening have as many uses as possible.

It is the act of incorporating as many facets of use into my magic that, in my opinion, sets me a part from more ceremonially oriented witches. Kitchen witches don't frequently have the time, resources, or inclination to use a vast array of specialized anything. You will find that our favorite tea cup doubles as a chalice, the favorite knife in the knife block is also the athame, and instead of a crystal studded wand, we use a wooden spoon.

Each item in our home has a potential magical use. I believe that this makes our lives more full of magic. I believe this makes it easier for us to access our magical abilities and more inclined to do so when the situation could call for them. It may be planting according to the moon phase or sowing blessings with each seed, but gardening can be just as big of a source of magical blessings as cooking. I, however, am a little bit biased.

Pagan Blog Project: J - Jewels

Jewels have had a very old association with magic. They have been used in talismans for as long as humanity has been doing some form of magic. They are interesting and quite valuable. I have a special fondness for a few stones because I find their magical properties to be helpful in my life. One may wonder what gems these are that I am so taken with, so please allow me to share this little list of stones.

• Amethyst - Amethyst has an ancient association with preventing poisoning and drunkenness. It is, I have found, an excellent stone for protection. It is also well aligned with any sort of magic that focuses upon spiritual matters.
• Amber - Freja's tears are said to be this stone. It is a resin based stone that ties back to ancient times. I find it to be a very good link to my ancestors and the spirits of the land.
• Agate - Agate has always been a good stone for protection for me. I think it is because of the fact that the majority of agate that I have used has been from geodes, which carry an essence of that protective shell to them.
• Bloodstone - Bloodstone is a stone of deep strength and healing. It is associated with purification.
• Hematite - This is an excellent stone for grounding energies. It is a very gentle grounding and works very well for protection magic.
• Quartz - A stone of purity and clairvoyance, quartz has been a go-to for almost all magical workings for me. I have a special fondness for milky quartz.

Pagan Blog Project: J - Justice

I think we're up to the letter "J" but I am honestly not sure. Life has taken me away from blogging for the past few weeks so I am a little bit lost. I will try to do another post on a different letter later this week. Apologies made, let's move on to the topic, shall we?

Justice is more then just a tarot card or a concept of the legal system.

Justice is also a powerful Aspect of deity. Most people are familiar with the icon of Lady Justice. This is an ancient goddess that we have carried forward iconographically though people generally don't understand the image. Justice is blindfolded to represent objectivity. Her scales are symbolizing the balance of truth and equanimity. Her sword represents reason and justice.

The modern icon of Justice is a synthesis of several ancient goddesses. There's lots more detail upon this at the wikipedia page I linked to earlier. In ancient times, Justice's impartiality was not depicted by a blindfold but rather by her maiden aspect. The addition of the blindfold came in the 15th century when someone decided to be clever in their interpretation of her. It was also a nod to Fortuna. The sword is from the goddess Nemesis, one of the Furies. It is retributive justice in that manifestation.

I think that we very delicately dance around outright propagation of the goddess of Justice. I suspect that if our society were to tend towards polytheism, she would be one of the first goddesses represented in the new pantheon. A part of me says that we should seriously consider this face of deity for worship. I question, however, if we are truly ready for Lady Justice to turn her gaze upon us and judge us for our actions as a people.

Pagan Blog Project: I - Intention

Intent is a very important thing. Unfortunately, people can have very good intentions and their actions have poor results. It is shockingly common to hear "I didn't intend for that to happen" in daily conversations. Failing to align your actions and intentions makes it very difficult to successfully perform magic. Brutal self examination and honesty is required of us when ever we sit down to do a spell or any other form of magic.

I say it is brutal because we must not give quarter to self deception. If we can not say with full certainty that we intend for XYZ to be on our karmic debts, then we shouldn't engage in it. This is not only how one take the measure of a honest person but how we should weed out that which we should not engage in. All of us have different tolerances for unpleasantness. We all have different tolerances for hardship.

We must keep these things in mind when we consider the possible outcomes of our magical actions. Acting with intent and self-understanding allows us to be successful. It keeps us from hamstringing ourselves subconsciously due to a misalignment between intention and act. It keeps us from taking on karmic burdens that we simply can not handle. And, most of all, it keeps us honorable.

That, however, is all my opinion on this. It is the fruit of my own learning experiences. It may be that somewhere down the road, my position changes because I have learned something new.

Pagan Blog Project: I - Incubate

Incubate is an interesting word. It comes from Latin and is used mainly to discuss the development of something. It was originally used to discuss the process of hatching eggs. It's synonyms include the word brood.

Why am I discussing the word incubate? Well, partly because I couldn't think of a good 'i' word. Partly because it is an interesting little concept. Incubation, germination, growth. They're all very powerful concepts. We invoke them regularly. We lie metaphorically in the state of contemplation and consideration of things when we are 'hatching' an idea.

Incubate is a word that was used in the deep past mostly with respect to birds hatching eggs. Birds are almost universally considered 'Air' oriented. They are possessed of the inspiring ability of flight. Their song greets us in the morning and sends off the day at dusk. Ideas are often described as having wings. Thoughts are often described by poets as feathered things that flit and flirt about like their avian counterparts.

It is an interesting little flight of fancy. And it all started with the word incubate. Makes you wonder just how many other things can take wing and become their own song with a little ingenuity and imagination.

Pagan Blog Project: H - Handfasting

Unlike my last Pagan Blog Project entry, I'm not going to get ahead of myself and say that I'll be posting multiple entries. It is my hope to get caught up letter wise and let the blog posting count take care of itself. Life has been really busy of late and I haven't had the opportunity to sit down and post much of anything in any of my blogs. I'm lucky if I get my three pages written in my daily journal. Rambling aside, thank you, dear Reader, for being so patient and waiting for me to post. I deeply appreciate it.

Tonight, I am writing about handfasting. Some traditions call this a 'trial marriage' that is expected to last for a limited period of time. In many ways, it serves the role of engagement. We, however, don't tend to consider such things in our culture at large. Engagement is prelude to marriage and handfasting is largely unknown. In the writings of the early modern witches, handfasting was an obliquely touched upon matter. More emphasis was place upon developing liturgy and defining the relationship between witch and deity.

In my own tradition, handfasting is synonymous with marriage. There is no 'trial' aspect to it. One can have the relationship last for a predetermined period of time (such as the famous 'year and a day' period) or one can leave it as a life long commitment. Or some variation of the above. The important part of handfasting is the fact that these people are entering a solemn commitment to each other, witnessed by the divine and all of life. Oaths (an entirely different topic) are weighty things and when affirmed in such a ceremony, it is my belief that they take on greater importance.

The legal matters of recognizing a handfasting as a marriage, in my opinion, is simply a matter of paperwork. The swearing of oaths and calling upon the divine and all life to witness it is a far greater thing. Such an oath carries a deep karmic impact that can last throughout one's lifetime. It should be approached with great care and consideration. The contract between the ones who are to be wed should be carefully worded with provisions made for future concerns.

When we look at ancient marriage contracts, we find them resembling prenuptial agreements. The union made is built with considerations for offspring, financial matters, and the possible dissolution of the union. I think it is highly important that such considerations return to the discussion of handfasting (and marriages of any sort, even civil/secular ones). As romantic as the idea of 'till death do we part' sounds, there is a greater likelihood of other matters arising and creating a rift in the union. Taking time to plan for how to approach such a possible rift before it happens gives greater peace to the people who are dealing with it.

I have seen too many ugly divorces where people focused more on engaging in emotional warfare then upon peaceably dissolving the contract between them. I've seen too many situations where the children of a now loveless union become pawns in said emotional warfare, leading to deep emotional scars upon everyone involved. (It is my opinion that such behavior is emotional and psychological abuse of the children and should NEVER be tolerated.) Taking the time before one enters into marriage to consider the possible dissolution and how to make it as amicable as possible is not just wise.

It is a statement of love. It is a statement of respect for the people in the marriage and any children who may be born of it. It says 'I care enough about you to provide a respectable means to conclude this union if we find that we can not continue it later.' It is an act of compassion. And it makes me sad to see people who failed to consider such things allow the ugliness of the moment of their divorce burn away the happiness that was there with the memories of their marriage. It is a sorrowful thing and I suspect that their past selves would have been heartbroken and horrified to see it.

Weaving, spinning, and purging poisons.

Waning Worm Moon (Age: 23 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: cloudy, warm, with rain expected later

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For a few days now, I have been having dreams of Sigyn. Some of them are very straight forward and have content that I am not permitted to share except with a very small number of people. And in these dreams, Sigyn has given me work to do.

She wants me to continue my efforts to get better at spinning. She has told me that this is to be an important part of my life as time progresses forward. Sigyn has told me that I must learn to be better at weaving. I will be making something for her, though she hasn't told me what. And then there is the third task that I was given in my dreams last night.

In my dream, Sigyn placed a small stone bowl in my hand. She told me that I was to fill it with poisons. I was confused and she clarified. All of the unhealthful thinking and habits that I have acquired are to be purged. I don't know how I will fill this bowl and it seems terribly small for such a large task. Sigyn tells me that I will receive the physical vessel soon. The substitute vessel needs to be something strong and has the capacity to contain magic.

I suspect that this may be one of the tiny ritual cauldrons that I own. I'm not entirely sure how comfortable I am with this process. It is, however, one of the ones that has been set before me to do as a priestess. I don't know if I am supposed to write things down on slips of paper or impress the psychic energy of the thought into a stone and place it in the bowl. Sigyn hasn't answered me on this one. I think that's because she is confident that I will figure out the best method for me to use.

I may, in the midst of this, restart my worry jar. I had one at one point. Somewhere in the midst of the last move it went missing. Oddly enough, I don't even remember what was in that jar. So, I guess it did it's thing. Right now, I just feel a powerful call to go out for a walk. Maybe, I'll do just that. It's not a bad way to end the evening.

Pagan Blog Project: G - Goddess Centered Life Goals

I'm going to type up two 'G' entries tonight. To my readers, I apologize that I forgot to post on this last week. I've been running in circles trying to keep up with the kids. I must first make a confession before I proceed to write upon this topic. I am not very good at keeping focus upon the Goddess. I've had many traumatic experiences revolving around maternal influences that make it very challenging for me to engage the Goddess on a deep level. Please forgive if any of this sounds awkward. I am foraging ahead on some new (to me) ground here.

It may be a mouthful but 'Goddess Centered Life Goals' is actually a new focus of mine. In some ways it is a return to a previous position with deeper self knowledge. When I was a neophyte, I was exceptionally starry eyed about the idea of a deity that had some kind of resemblance to myself. As I moved from soft polytheism into harder polytheism, I moved away from the Great Goddess of Wicca and into more focused relationships with specific deities. I'm not saying that one was better then the other, it was just what happened.

After Samhain last year, I realized that I needed to built up my relationship with the Great Goddess. It was then that I sat down and looked at some of my life goals. How can these life goals be viewed in the context of my relationship with the Goddess? It was a question that felt strange and uncomfortable. I kept asking myself until I began to sense I had some kind of an answer. (Relentless self-examination is always part of the key to personal gnosis, in my opinion.)

I looked at myself and where I stand in this journey called my life. I saw that my faith played a very large role. I saw that my life as a mother was extremely important. My life as a wife and helpmate was extremely important. And it suddenly occurred to me, this is part of how the Great Goddess manifests. It was profound in its simplicity.

Then I went back to the myths that formed the framework of the Wiccan relationship with the Great Goddess. I studied them and looked at my life. I asked myself, how can I understand my life in terms of the mythology of the Great Goddess? I asked, what is the way that the Great Goddess has manifested in me?

I'll be honest, I don't have answers to those questions. I'm still doing research and engaged in contemplation on the matter. I think, however, that as I consider my relationship with the Great Goddess it will be come clear to me just how I am one of her faces. And I think that it will not only manifest itself in my life goals but in my relationships. And I think that it will be incredibly empowering when it happens.

Until then, however, I'll do as the Buddhist monk: chop wood and carry water.

Plant magic & gardening

Waxing Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Cloudy, cold and light breezes
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I have started my gardening efforts a tad early. As a result, I recycled several plastic bottles to serve as mini-greenhouses during this cold snap. It is my hope that they did what I needed them to and helped my seedlings survive. Much of what I have planted so far hasn't been with emphasis upon magical uses. It has been more to accommodate the growing conditions and my deep desire to have flowers. While there is nothing wrong with this emphasis, I am going to transition my next plans for planting more along the magical, medicinal, and edible lines.

There will be a large circular bed that I will be planting soon. I need to thin out a flowerbed that is overstuffed with day lilies and I think I will be taking the square area that is filled with stone and putting something there that is pleasant and can bear partial to deep shade. I have a good deal of plants in pots and there will be many more.

In my efforts, I hope to have some sort of way to encourage my children to get excited about gardening. I may be putting aside a pot of soil just for them. I'm still considering my options. My youngest is 2 1/2 years old so he's not going to be as focused on the new experience as his 4 1/2 years old brother. Either way, however, I want them to learn that plants are also living creatures that we should be respectful of. I really don't like how the other children that they play with wantonly rip leaves and twigs off of plants.

Speaking of twigs, it is my hope that the maple twig that I have in a vase of water will put out some roots. If I am lucky and can get it to do so, I will be putting it into a nice little pot and keeping it in the house. I love the idea of growing a tree. And it is my hope that our next move will be to a place where we can 'put down roots'. My dream is to do so by planting a few trees to grow with our family in our permanent home.

I know that plenty of people live in apartments and are quite happy with them. It has always been my dream to have a house with a big yard and a garden. As part of my efforts to support this dream, I am going to attempt to coax this twig into rooting and putting it into a pot. There's lots of people who have grown trees in pots. I like the idea of doing so until we have ourselves a house with a bit of property.

I think that my garden and plants will reflect the health of my home. As such, caring for them is a manifestation of how I am caring for my family. And where some people call their pets their 'fur babies' I tend to call my plants my 'green babies.' I love the idea that my 'green babies' can grow and bring fulfillment and blessings to my home.

Pagan Blog Project: F - Focus

It may seem a little odd that I am writing about focus or the ability to concentrate intently but it is a really important aspect of my practices. And I believe wholeheartedly that it should be part of the discussion of rituals and all spell craft. It is, as I understand it, part of the fundamental skill set for successful religious practice, regardless of any religion practiced.

I have encountered a lot of neophyte witches and seekers who are very unfocused. They want to learn but are overwhelmed by what is available to them. I have a good friend who is in many ways struggling with this. (Yes, I'm talking about you Teal. :D) It is very important to be able to sit down and concentrate on something that you are working on.

This is seen in education, professional sports, and everything inbetween. In the sphere of the matter of religion, our ability to focus helps us considerably when we go to pray. Prayer has become something of an object of study for me recently. I have been undergoing some learning experiences and finding that my own ability to focus my mind leaves room for improvement. This, however, does not disqualify me from exhorting others to engage in the same work.

Indeed, I suspect it makes me especially well qualified for this discussion. Academics have their own set of exercises to help us learn to control our minds. Different spiritual practices have different techniques for focusing one's thoughts upon points of contemplation. We, as witches and pagans, should devise our own. While there is no harm in using the techniques that have been successful for others, establishing our own set of practices helps to tailor them to our unique needs.

In a perfect world, I think that all religions would have someone available to teach its members how to pray, how to meditate, how to contemplate, and how to step aside and leave matters in the care of the Divine. Sadly, most of us are stumbling around and groping in the proverbial dark to find our way to wisdom. Experience has shown me time and again, that one of the light switches that helps us illuminate our ignorance and reveal the truths buried beneath it is our ability to focus our minds.

That, however, is my opinion.

Blogs of interest

Waning Sap Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: Fair skies & unseasonably warm
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I'm starting a list of blogs that I follow in case anyone who reads this wants to know who's work I am reading currently. If your blog is on the list and you want it taken off, let me know. This post will be getting updated as I add other blogs to the list.

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Witchin' in the Kitchen
(who has a pashmina give away going on, so go check it out!)

The Fruit of Pain

Looking Up at the Clouds

Tealights in the Dark
(who I really hope will be updating soon, I really enjoy their writing style)

The Iconoclastic Domina

Loki's Bruid

Gangleri's Grove

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I'll be adding more as I encounter them upon the interwebz.

Pagan Blog Project: F - Flamehair

Hail Flamehair!

Some people don't give you enough credit. You are the embodiment of entropy. People like to say that you're 'just chaos' and fail to consider the fact that with out chaos the universe would not exist.

There's a lot more to you then that, but this is all I can think of right now. My children have rather sapped my brain.

Pagan Blog Project: E - Elves

Waning Gibbous Sap Moon (Age: 17 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Clear, seasonable & light breeze from the west
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Ah, elves. Also known as fairies, the good folk, the fair ones, and pixies (to name a few). These nature spirits are known throughout the world by different names and are of as wide of a range of personalities as people. Most of the people that I know who are not pagan tend to view elves as the quaint diminutive servants of Santa Claus. Others who are a bit more bookish will think of Tolkien's elves. If I'm lucky, I run into some folks who are mythology geeks and are familiar with some of the old stories about these interesting spirits. (Alas, I am not as lucky as I wish to be on that front.)

My approach to elves is colored by my spiritual education. I was weaned on the myths of the Nordic people, predominantly those surrounding the Aseir and Jotuns. Usually, the Aseir were presented as the good guys and the Jotuns as the bad guys. Aside from this, we had the stories of the brownies and similar spirits from the British Isles thrown in for good measure. It made for an interesting hodge podge, especially when a dollop of Iriquoi mythology got thrown in.

I approach the elves with caution. The spirits of the land and that which lives upon it can be fickle. They are reluctant to deal with humanity because we have moved our awareness away from being in tune with nature. When you happen to begin interacting with them, strange things start to become common place. Things randomly going missing and then reappearing in odd places becomes normal. Gifts appearing on your doorstep or somewhere else that you regularly frequent, such as the perfect crow's feather or a stone that sits just right in your hand, starts to happen as you pay more attention to the care of the flora and fauna about your home.

As I said at the beginning of that last statement, I approach them with caution. I have no doubt in my mind that these spirits are powerful and have the ability to bless us or curse. I have seen what has come from being on the good side of these ancient beings and what has come from being on the receiving end of their ire. People who are loved by the fair ones seem to have a magic touch with plants and good luck. Those who are scorned watch as their very efforts to coax anything to grow wither on the vine, as though the plant itself has refused that incarnation. Bad luck plagues them and, for the truly despised, it can even manifest as a measure of illness.

The old stories speak of one being 'elf shot' when they are ill for no apparent reason and fail to recover until they have appeased the angry fae. I do not think these are just stories of illnesses that are poorly understood. I believe that buried among those stories of illnesses that were misunderstood there are accurate accounts of people who have been some how cursed by the fair ones. Given that there seem to be more accounts of people who have some how angered the fair folk then of people who have been some how blessed by them, I suspect that the fair ones are not as prone to tolerating human nonsense as certain Victorian authors would have us believe.

Do I have a relationship with the fae? Yes and I work very hard to make sure it is a good one. In part because I value their friendship and have found their company pleasant. The fae are very wise and can teach us a great deal if we are truly willing to learn from them. And, I admit, a fair dose of superstition has me cautious in my dealings with them. That, however, is part of how I was raised to approach them.

Our cultural background colors a great deal of how we interact with the local nature spirits. Some people talk of how hobgoblins and nixies seemed to have emigrated with the Scots, or other spirits with different nationalities. I'm not sure if it is because some truly did emigrate with families or if that was how those people understood the spirits they encountered.

Hail Flame Hair! Hail Scar Lip! Hail Loki!

Waxing (almost full :D ) Sap Moon (Age: 12 days)
Sign: Leo (soon to be void of course)
Weather: fair skies, mild
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I am positively giddy right now. After several days of spinning my wheels on what to do in contacting Loki, some excellent advice/instruction from ArtCat, and my picking up the pen again in His honor, Loki gave me a distinct message today.

He told me he wanted some cheap whiskey and onion rings. I don't claim to understand that but I am thrilled. I had missed his snarky comments and droll observations about things in my life. It was a palpable ache and rather distressing. It was, in short, excruciating.

Throw on top of that I had been having a bad couple of days in the more mundane sense, I was rather miserable. So, upon ArtCat's advice, I had taken up the pen and started writing in the devotional journal that I started a few months ago at Lopt's urging. I let my ego get in the way of that work. As ArtCat so excellently pointed out, I fell into the trap of treating Loki like Odin. As a result, I got the silent treatment.

As I was writing in the journal, I suddenly found Loki at my side. He was looking at me with a mildly exasperated look when I paused and muttered that I didn't like what I was writing. I then sighed and reminded myself that criticism such as that is more like Odin then Loki and I need to be more tolerant of myself. I actually said out loud "Stop thinking like Odin."

Loki laughed at that. All out belly laugh. I didn't think I was being hilarious but everyone tells me that when I'm exasperated, especially with myself, I am drop dead funny. Scar Lip seemed to think so. He then told me to write what he said. It was an odd experience to write out both sides of a conversation with him. I'm so used to just talking to him.

Flame Hair (who just giggled at my typo of 'Flamer,' I think he may not be sober right now, I honestly don't know) said that I needed to have reminders of our conversations. I guess that's what I'll be writing down in the journal for now. I've decided to stop trying to fight it. I'll just write what ever he puts in my head.

I still feel really self conscious that he wants me to write about the ugly things in my past. That, of course, is why he wants me to write it. He still wants me to get to know Sygyn. He insists it is good for me to know her. Loki really wants me to get past my fear and I think it's really great that I've got his support. (Who can't argue that you've got a really awesome supporter when a deity is in your cheering section? Certainly not I.)

It's funny in that unfunny way that he's being so patient with me as I try to sort out the psychological baggage and trauma. I get the distinct impression that he is, to some extent, handling me with kid gloves. I feel a bit embarrassed by it. He, however, doesn't care if I'm embarrassed or not. Loki does what Loki does, damn who ever the hell gets in his way. So, when I go 'but I feel stupid' he gives me a pat on the head and a look like what you give a child who so totally doesn't have a clue and are really struggling in their efforts to understand.

Did I mention this is a hit to the ego? Yeah, he kinda laughs at that too. Tells me that I'm not some scary monster and to stop feeling like I am. It gets awkward at times. When the Father of Monsters tells you that you're not a monster... you wonder is it a compliment, rebuke, or statement of fact. Given that I'm getting an annoyed look right now, I'm guessing it's a statement of fact.

Ah well, somedays I guess I'm more dense then I am on others. Still, Loki is talking to me again!

Psychology vs faith (aka i hate c-PTSD)

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, cold & windy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sit here at the keyboard chilled in body and mind. The shawl I am wearing may warm me up physically but this psychological chill is harder to shake. I live with a myriad of psychological disorders. Until recently, it seems like they didn't have much of an impact on my faith and how I expressed it. Now that I sit and look at it, however, I must admit that they have run roughshod over an enormous part of my expression and put limitations on how I experience my faith.

For the longest time, the experience of a maternal Goddess was infrequent for me. Not because the Goddess wasn't maternal. It was because I tended to shut down when it happened. I dissociated, at best, or I panicked. Now this has spread to my relationship with Loki. This is very upsetting for me.

Loki is a father figure for me. He's a friend and close companion. To have it happen where I can't cut through the panic to hear his reply when I pray, it scares me. My spirit guides tell me that this is normal for someone who has borne as much trauma as I have. They tell me that this is temporary and it will be relieved soon.

One of the last messages that came clearly from Loki was that I should find someone to act as his mouthpiece. A person to facilitate a conversation between him and I. At the time, I said 'ok.' and then put it on the mental back burner because I was eyeball deep in nonsense with other matters. Now, I sit here and I realize that directive was in preparation for this time.

I don't know how long this is going to be. I hope it'll be only a few days. I didn't realize how much I bantered with him and I had come to depend upon his input until just now. He said it was to be for a conversation. I feel a significant amount of dread right now. I'm fearful that I am going to discover that the Loki I speak to in that conversation is going to be very different from the sarcastic, smartass and sincere Loki that I've come to know. That what I have experienced is not Loki but rather what I wished for Loki to be.

I hate this.

Pagan Blog Project: E - Epiphany

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Clear, cold & windy
~*~*~*~*~*~
Epiphany is such a delicious word. It is not only the name of a high feast day in the Christian religion, but also the word we use for sudden intuitive understanding. It also is used to denote a manifestation of some sort, most frequently with respect to deity. When I think of this word, I smile. It just rolls off the tongue like a song, in my opinion.

It was an epiphany that lead me to where I am today. Sudden intuitive understanding that I could be far healthier and happier then I ever had been in the past set me on the course of healing the psychological traumas in my past. Visionary trances and similar experiences have happened to me and directed me in my expressions of faith. It is something that I think of and smile.

It is a beautiful experience that I sincerely hope that others may have as well. I can not think of anything more wonderful then a direct experience of the love of one's deity of choice. Every single vision that I have had relating to the gods has been an expression of that love. It is incredibly humbling. It is also so wonderfully beautiful that it literally moves me to tears.

After having the challenges of life leave me jaded, this infusion of wonder is like watching the first buds of green springing up from the earth. It is like the sweet smell of the sap running in the maple tree out in my front yard. It gives me a fresh breath of life and reminds me of all the wonder that is awaiting me.

Domestic Goddess & I

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 8 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Overcast, warm, high winds expected
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Over the last several days, I have been contemplating the idea of the Goddess as a domestic figure. Images throughout history have shown goddess figures engaged in domestic tasks. Indeed it was part of the mythology of the world's cultures to have goddesses who specialized in such things.

With the advent of Christianity, the Blessed Virgin Mary took up the cause of domestic cares in her iconography. Various saints have been ascribed to watch over everything ranging from weaving to house cleaning. Domesticity is nothing new in faith of any sort.

Indeed many images modern such as the one above from Eric Gill and in antiquity have shown this. It is a curious thing, then, that I haven't taken such an idea as a 'domestic Goddess' and incorporated it into the worldview that I work with. As I have made progress in my efforts to recover from psychological trauma, I am discovering aspects of the Goddess that I have neglected to consider in my efforts to flee from those aspects in myself.

It was a rather upsetting realization. I am learning, however, that the Goddess is not troubled by such things. As I learn to connect with her again on an intimate level, I am finding that I feel a strong pull to embrace images such as those of the knitting Madonna and such. It has been a learning experience.

I am finding that such images are becoming foci for meditation. And with meditation upon them, I am discovering aspects of myself that are intimately twined with them. It is as though I have opened Pandora's box to discover that instead of the fabled plagues and evils of the world, it contains treasures and great blessings. So, I am striving to keep the domestic aspect of the Goddess at the forefront of my mind.

It is for this reason why I keep my little wrist distaff and a spindle on my altar. It reminds me of her. It is also part of the reason why I am looking to incorporate a Goddess image into the decor of my kitchen. This way I can look and be reminded of her presence everywhere, including in myself.

Pagan Blog Project: D - Dynamics

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cold, windy, & light lake effect snow
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've decided to participate in the Pagan Blog Project. They're working their way through the alphabet two weeks at a time. Currently, this is the second week for the letter 'D'. I'm going to be discussing dynamics.

The word 'dynamic' often brings to mind vitality, activity, and effervescent personalities. It also can be used other fashions. It has also been used colloquially to denote relationship paradigms. It is this colloquial usage that I am referencing. There are many dynamics of this sense in the world. Three big ones that we consider in metaphysics are:

1. Cosmological
2. Theological
3. Interpersonal

Cosmological dynamics revolve around the relationship between man¹ and the universe at large. The questions that arise in consideration of cosmological relationships are myriad. They range from the questions as to the origin and nature of the universe to the questions of moral consideration regarding man's actions in relation to the multifaceted elements that comprise the known universe. Indeed these questions are so plentiful that I can not begin to condense them in a single post, let alone as part of one. For cosmology is a complex philosophical topic of inquiry in its own right in addition to being a serious subject of pursuit in theoretical physics.

Now, one may wonder why I give consideration to cosmological dynamics. This is a very important part of the worldview of any given belief system. Humanity has questioned the nature of existence for as long as we have had the capacity. As such, we have created stories, theories, and cultural mythos to quantify, define, and explain what we observed. It is from this primeval urge to understand what we interpret from our senses that the foundational elements of religion are formed.

As Joseph Campbell so brilliantly illustrated in his work The Masks of God and as J. G. Frazer detailed in his The Golden Bough, religion arose from stories accepted by a people, then enacted as ritual dramas and shared with other people. These stories defined for the culture they originated in the answers to the philosophical quandaries that fall under the heading of cosmology. In Wicca, we have a patchwork cosmology. Our stories are varied and highly eclectic. Nowhere else is this more visible then in how we delineate our relationship with the divine.

Theology and divinity² are twin academic pursuits that attempt to describe that relationship. Experiential knowledge of the godhead³ shapes subsequent theology. There are two ways that this knowledge can be accessed. One is by way of personal revelation. The second is by way of analysis and reason.

The major religions of the world are predominantly based in revelatory experiences that happen to a given person (commonly referred to as a prophet) and then disseminated amongst the population of a culture. In the Abrahmic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), the revelatory experience happens to a patriarch who then shares this with his children. This eventually extends to others who have adopted the belief system. Authenticity of the revelations are based upon comparison to established canon. Disputes as to the veracity of a given revelation are what has given rise to conflict between these related faiths and within each respective belief system⁴.

Wicca lacks a body of work to be upheld as canon. For some individuals, this is argued to be a weakness of the religion. Quite frequently, these people argue that Wicca as a comparatively young⁵ religion lacks the validity of history. This argument fails to consider the influence of historical religions upon modern Wicca. Additionally, the cellular⁶ nature of Wicca places greater emphasis upon the individual's experience versus that of the community. It is this highly individualize nature that makes it difficult to collate and assess the collective knowledge with respect to the nature of the godhead and how man relates to it.

This forces a neonate to adhere to the maxim⁷ from the perennially popular Charge of the Goddess because they can not rely upon other sources. Covens assist neonates in exploring their relationship with the godhead, but they can not provide full revelation of it. This is a stark difference from religions such as the Abrhamic ones. There, the community at large has defined the collective and individual relationships one has with the godhead. There is a body of work upheld that one can compare their experiences to and thereby attest to the veracity of what they have had revealed to them.

For Wiccans, they must deal with the murky waters between mystical revelation and possible madness. We must continually ask ourselves if we are being genuine in our activities towards the godhead. We must continually assess within ourselves the veracity of what has been revealed to us throughout our mystic experiences. This requires a mature understanding of ourselves and our limitations. It also requires that we be ever honest in our dealings on the theological front. Duplicity serves no good and can quite possibly hinder our efforts to deepen our person gnosis.

This brings me to my third point of consideration, this evening. Interpersonal relationships are tricky things. Throw religion into the mix and they become volatile at times. This is where the other popular maxim⁸ upheld becomes a useful consideration. Individual freedom is highly prized by Wiccans. This cherished quality does often get a bit of humor when one attempts to organize a group of Wiccans to do something (the phrase 'herding cats' comes to mind). Individual freedom is essential to Wicca. While some would wish to establish some sense of orthodoxy for Wicca, this would deprive this religion of its appeal for a great many of its followers.

The fludity of Wicca allows for this faith to embrace all types of people and all types of worldviews. It is a strength of this faith for it to be so accessible to individuals. For each 'fluffy bunny' that one encounters who seems to espouse random platitudes with a beatific, yet empty smile, there are countless serious practitioners who strive each day to deepen their knowledge of themselves and the world. Paramount to this faith is respect for that individuality that gives Wicca its strength. As such, many Wiccans strive to conduct themselves with utmost respect for each other and all life about them. As a religion that is frequently panenthistic and pantheistic, this is only a natural outgrowth of such worldviews.

At the core of all the dynamics we witness at play in Wicca is this respect. We honor each other, the world, and the godhead. With this, we ensure our continued liberty and growth.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1. I am using the term 'man' in the classical sense of referring to all of humanity. This is simply a matter of convention. No implication of patrifocal leanings are intended.

2. I am using the term 'divinity' to pertain to the study of the applied theology of a given religion. This is a minor departure from the typical usage, which to discuss this academic exercise with strict respect to Christianity.

3. I am using the term 'godhead' as a gender neutral term for the genderless paradoxical All commonly understood as God or Goddess. Aristotle defined this as the Prime Mover.

4. I recognize that there are many other major factors that are at play in the state of affairs between the Abrahamic faiths. For the sake of simplicity, I am focusing only upon this particular aspect.

5. Wicca, from an anthropological perspective, is argued to have arisen in its contemporary format with Gerald Gardner. The existence of the New Forest Coven which the late Mr. Gardner was initiated by has been the subject of some academic debate. This blog's position upon the debate is to withhold supporting either side until evidence is presented to conclusively prove one or the other.

6. Autonomous individual groups (covens) of practitioners operating with only loose social connection to each other.

7. "And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without." (from Reclaiming's website)

8. "An ye harm none, do what thou wilt" ~ proverb

Progressing forward on my path.

Waning Hunger Moon (Age: 20 days)
Sign: Scorpio
Weather: Fair, light breeze, seasonably cold
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I had a conversation with my Aunt, Rev. Wolf this evening. She's a very wise woman and I respect her highly. Like most of our conversations, I came away having learned something new. I also, in the midst of the conversation, had more of the things that I am being called to do clarified.

I am not sure if I am technically a member of the Church of the Ancient Paths. I believe I am, but it is something that will be clarified in the near future over the course of conversations with my Aunt, who is clergy. She's fairly certain that I am considered a member. This is actually an important thing because I have felt called to minister to the needs of the community, thereby serving the Goddess.

It is much easier to do so with the backing of a church. This can be accomplished either as part of an outreach program done by the church or in seeking ordination. It is the latter that I have felt called to for many years. Like in the case of my wearing a veil, I was fearful of doing so because I feared recriminations from my extended family. This, however, is a child's fear and I have put it aside.

In wearing the veil and making the changes to my dress that are in accordance with my genuine nature, I have continued the commitment I made about a month ago. That commitment was to be fully myself. This means not only expressing my personal sense of style and tastes in everything from music to the accessories I wear, but heeding the nature of my spirit and the direction that the Goddess propels me in.

It has been a big step internally. Externally, it has only a small number of changes that can be observed right now. As time passes, I know that more details will be revealed. I am in a state of transition. As I shed the outmoded forms of the past and reveal the brilliant light at the core, I expect some people will be delighted and others will be disturbed. This, however, is not why I am doing this. It is essential to the health of my psyche and spirit.

I'm tired of holding myself back because of what others might think or say. I'm tired of denying these parts of myself because it is not convenient for others. I'm tired of continually holding back my self expression because it is not 'normal' in the eyes of the family I grew up in. It is long past time for me to say "This is who I am. And I am wonderful because of it."

All I ask is that the Goddess grant me strength to continue forward and to break the barriers between myself and what is healthy for me. I've lived in fear for long enough. It is time for a new chapter in my life.

Fall & Redemption Theology: My Opinions

Full Hunger Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign: Leo
Weather: Unseasonably warm, clear
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've been reading about the modern Collriydian Filianic churches. I figured out what about their theology that doesn't sit right with me. It is their espousal of a fall & redemption theology. It is my understanding that humans are not born with a fatal flaw, which one would argue is the most accurate description of the infamous Original Sin doctrine. Original Sin holds absolutely no place in my understanding of humanity's relationship with the divine.

It is my understanding that we are all born innocent of any crime against nature or the gods. There is no criminality in drawing breath or being born of a given lineage. Arguments that we are all some how criminals (because sin is defined as crimes against god) by virtue of our birth are nonsense because it utterly fails the moral culpability test.

I prefer the idea that we are born in a state of innocence and as we grow, we become capable of establishing a relationship with the divine that is more complex . It is with this increased complexity that rules are laid out for the relationship and sin, the act of breaking said rules, becomes part of the picture.

It would as foolish as someone declaring that a newborn child is guilty of theft because they are breathing 'someone else's air'. No one can claim ownership of the air. It simply is there. It is our nature to breathe. It is a monstrous act of inhumanity to declare that the act of existing is criminal. And it is my understanding that the doctrine of original sin, where ever it is espoused, is criminalizing the act of being alive. I find this disgusting, demeaning, deceptive, and detrimental to establishing a genuine relationship with one's deity of choice.

Synchronicity or Sign?

Waxing Gibbous Hunger Moon (Age: 9 days)
Sign: Gemini
Weather: cloudy, cool but still unseasonably warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My depression is making a comeback. A part of me says I should just chalk this up as a bad day or possibly some sort of premenstrual hormonal fun. Looking at my mood for the last several days, however, I'm finding my temper is growing shorter and my outlook on life is progressively turning bleaker. It is something that bears watching, though I still can't shake the feeling of apprehension that something ... unpleasant is waiting me on the other side of my counseling session tomorrow.

Now, one may wonder why I'm rambling about my psychological health. Two reasons for that, actually, one is because it's part of the constellation of things on my mind right now. Secondly, I am firmly convinced that our psychological health can directly influence our spiritual health. As I was confronted multiple times today with a sense of despair, I found myself questioning the authenticity of my spiritual experiences. It... It is distressing have sudden bouts of despair just descend upon me with out any real warning. It colors my view of just about everything in my life.

Strive as I may to counteract this, it is at times a relatively futile thing to attempt to do. So, I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up the food that I ordered for Beloved and I to have for dinner when a fortuitous thing happened. Recently, I've taken to listening to the born-again Christian radio station. It's not out of any passionate love for Christ as much as it is less static then other stations and occasionally entertaining. As it happened, this was the radio station that the car was tuned to. I wasn't paying it much mind when the pastor speaking began talking about discouragement.

It was surprising. His teaching on discouragement was quite coincidental and focused upon an entirely different audience. At the same time, I found it to be helpful. I realized that in the midst of my efforts over the last several weeks, I had been becoming discouraged in several areas. Partly due to a measure of psychological/emotional exhaustion and partly due to my difficulty seeing where I was making progress in much of anything in my life.

The admonishment to pray when confronted with these feelings was like a light bulb turning on in a darkened room. Such a simple thing to do and yet... I hadn't even considered it an option.

Now, I know there are some who would argue this is merely synchronicity. Others would state that it was a sign that I should consider conversion to some flavor of Christianity. I contend that just as the Christian god is likely to use events with non-Christians to get a message across to Christians, so too is it likely that the goddess will send a message via unexpected sources to her people.

Is it a sign? Yes, I think so, but not that I should cast aside my religion. But rather, a sign that my goddess is keeping me in her thoughts and wants me to turn to her no matter how small and insignificant I feel that I am.

Kennings for Loki

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 6 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: cloudy, heavy snowfall
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As someone who has something of a relationship with this particular deity, I do what I can to find kennings referring to him. Someone else has compiled a good list. I am sure that we can easily add to it. I would humbly add the following to this list:

Our lord of weirdness
Quicksilver tongued one
Deceiver of Fools

Having experienced him acting in such a fashion, it is my opinion that these kennings are fairly accurate. I also think that as time passes, I am probably going to wind up adding to this list. Laufey's Son seems to like when I try to creatively avoid mention his name directly. My efforts tend to get a bit of laughter out of him.

I don't think that's an entirely bad thing. After all, if the GODS can't laugh at something, then you know you're fucked.

Mark of the Goddess?

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Unseasonably warm, cloudy
with intermittent rain
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I was driving home from dropping my children off with their aunt for the weekend, I had a vision of the Goddess. I also heard her say something very clearly to me. What she said to me was:

You veil and cover yourself to mark you as my daughter among the daughters of men.

My grace is upon my children, though man does not understand it. Some may say grace is upon you from their God. You know the source where it flows. What they say does not matter, only that you continue your work.

The vision, which was very brief, showed me the Mother. She wore a white gown, it looked to be made from linen. Over this, about her shoulders, she wore a mantle of blue. Her hair was hidden by a veil of pale blue, like the color of the sky at the horizon when the sun is at its zenith, shot through with silver. Over this there was another veil, this one white, that obscured her facial features, making them indistinct.

She held her hands out before her, as though she was pouring something from them. And from her hands poured light. It started out the color of honey and grew brighter as it came down. It fell upon the Moon and then upon the Earth. And as it poured over the Earth, it was white.

I was attempting to make sense of what this vision meant when she spoke to me again. (This being several hours after the vision and not too terribly long before I sat down here at the computer.) She said:

I pour out my blessings over the Earth for all children. I am a generous Mother and I give to any in need.

You are marked in your spirit as other are marked in flesh. Because your body can not take the needle and ink, your manner of dress conveys your status. Wear the veil to hide and protect yourself. Wear the bells to that the daughters of men may know you as you walk among them.

The timing of this is fortuitous and a wee bit unnerving. I had been lamenting (privately and inwardly) the lack of communication between the Mother and I. I had been flailing a bit and feeling unsure about myself as a priestess because I felt the absence of the early ecstascy that I experienced when I was new to the Craft and more open to everything. It wasn't something that I brought up in my prayers because, honestly, I felt that it was an issue on my end that I had to resolve. If that makes any sense to anyone reading this.

So, when she decided that she was going to say hello and put some of my concerns at ease, it startled me. It was like having someone turn the light on unexpectedly in a dark room. And suddenly realizing that you weren't alone in the room like you had thought you were.

Veils, shrouds, & shawls

Waxing Hunger Moon (Age: 4 days)
Sign: Void of Course
Weather: unseasonably warm & cloudy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For years now, I have felt drawn to veiling myself as part of my spiritual expression. Just last night, as I was idly searching techniques for tying a headscarf, I stumbled on to another pagan who has a similar inclination and her blog post regarding it. It was incredibly reassuring to see that I wasn't too far out into the fringes with this recurrent urge. It was also just the little nudge I needed to begin acting in accord with it.

My thought was "Hey, I'm not the only one to feel this way! Awesome!" It was as though a weight just lifted right off me as I gave myself permission to do this. Growing up in a household that was extremely focused on propriety and meeting social norms for appearances sake, I was strongly encouraged not to act upon urges that took me to places aside from what was the most mundane. Even now, I have times where I struggle with my genuine sense of style versus what was foisted upon me.

Now, one may wonder why I'm talking about the clash between personal tastes of clothing styles and what is socially accepted as 'normal'. This is something that comes up when one adapts their manner of dress to something that is not completely run of the mill. When people mark themselves as different from the others around them, there are a few different possible reactions. Confusion, discomfort, and outright scorn have met me when I have moved away from the norm in the past.

This becomes even more complicated of a matter when one begins to consider religious expression. When dealing with a religion as decentralized as Wicca, one finds that there is no 'norm' for how to do anything. As a result, we tend to 'default' to the predominant cultural norms for dress and social behavior that we engage in the secular environment. Special dress for religious purpose becomes cumbersome when one is torn between maintaining a 'normal' appearance to ease their interactions with society at large and the urgings of their spirit. This is especially the case when one's faith does not have an 'official' dress code like in Islam.

Now, that I've rambled on in that direction, let's get to where I wanted to go in the beginning. That is, in short, how the three items I listed in the title of this post are important. Veils have been used for countless millennia for, among other reasons, to protect the sacred and set it apart from the mundane. The shroud has been used as a similar covering (aside from being a garment for the dead).

Shawls can be used in the same fashion. I do that often. When I feel a pull to wrap myself in a shawl, there's a lot of different reasons. Most frequently, it's practicality. I get cold easily. But, there are times where it serves to 'contain' spiritual energy. Or it serves to protect (at times from a purely psychological point).

I had more I wanted to say but it's drifted off into the aether. Right now, my youngest child is terrorizing the house. So deep thoughts are going to have to wait for later.

Mother Goddess & Mary

New Hunger Moon (Age: 0 days)
Sign: Aquarius
Weather: Partly cloudy, windy,
intermittent rain & unseasonably warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So I have a few things to ramble on about tonight. First, to all who are celebrating, I wish you a blessed New Year (as this is the start of the Lunar year). There are many cultures that celebrate this as the start of the year, thus I am not going to focus on just one culture over the rest. If you're curious as to who is celebrating this as the beginning of the new year, check out the link.

Secondly, I have another blog that I will be updating at the new and full moon for each month. I am not going to be mirroring the material here but I will link to it when I do make posts. There may be material that is discussed in both blogs, but I don't plan on that being the rule. As the web community that I have joined has a large population of neophytes and seekers, I will be making an effort to post topics friendly to someone just starting out in Wicca or witchcraft.

Now, to get to the point of this blog entry (which I'm sure you were eagerly awaiting LOL), I have been considering my relationship with the Great Mother and how she has been guiding me over the last several months. I don't believe it is strictly a matter of coincidence that I have been feeling a strong prompt to view the Blessed Virgin Mary as an avatar of the Great Mother or to incorporate elements of the iconography surrounding her in my shrine(s) to the Mother.

Images such as the one above have been catching my eye for a while. When I was considering converting to Catholicism, I felt a strong pull to a Marian devotion. (Sadly, I do not know who the artist is that produced the lovely image. If it is YOUR work, please contact me.) Even now, I feel something of a tie to Mary. My history with the Blessed Virgin is ... odd.

My first experience channeling was to serve as her mouthpiece to convey a message to a Catholic friend of mine who was experiencing something of a spiritual crisis at the time. The Great Mother for a time placed me in the care of the Blessed Virgin. (It was a time of much confusion for me and I truly believe that Mary watched over me during the times of crisis that came to me during that period.) My middle name is Maria, which at one point my Mom said was because of a song and at another time it was supposed to be in honor of Mary. (I honestly don't know which statement, if either, is correct. My Mom regularly made confusing statements about things like that.)

Now that I have returned to Wicca (several years ago, to be honest), I still am drawn to the Marian iconography. The images of the Blessed Mother holding her babe strike me as incredibly powerful images of the Great Mother. The majority of these images that resonate the strongest with me have her holding a child of indeterminate gender. Oddly, I find it reassuring that the Deanists (also known as the Children of Dea) uphold the iconography of Mary as an orthodox presentation of the Great Mother.

To see that others also find the Great Mother in this guise puts some of my anxiety to rest. It helps to ease the fear that I am simply driving off into wilderness and have little to turn to in the way of fellow travelers. (I recognize that this fear is a manifestation of other issues that I have been struggling with. I also recognize that the Mother is pushing me past these issues. Thus I must choose if I go along or get dragged. Either way, I am still going.)

A lot of other people within the pagan community have written about how the Marian iconography can be used for fostering one's relationship with the Mother. I am not going to waste your time with a rambling commentary on this when there are so many commentaries on this topic (some of them quite well written and others less so). I am instead going to talk about how the Great Mother has been guiding me down this path.

It started out with simply a desire to build a relationship with her. Somewhere along the way, I transferred the issues I have with my mother to my relationship with the Great Mother. This was something that brought me a great deal of anxiety, sorrow, and frustration. Where I had previously enjoyed a feeling of closeness with the goddess, I suddenly felt as though there was a great gulf between her and I. I realized then what others meant when the spoke of a 'fall from Grace'.

In my case, however, it was not an intentional act. I did not intend at any point in time to reject the Great Mother or to distance myself from her. Instead, my psychological illness ran roughshod over me and pushed me apart from virtually all maternal figures in my life, including the Great Mother. It was the realization that my illness was creating the problem that had given me the key to resolving it. For as I confronted and healed my illness, I would find it easier to draw close to the maternal figures in my life, including the goddess.

As I began grasping at proverbial straws for how to reweave the Great Mother into my daily devotionals, little things began to catch my eye and imagination. I do not think it is mere whimsy that has pushed me into a year long study of the Rosary and encouraged me to find a way to incorporate it into my practices. I do not think it whimsy or some sort of hubris that I have been surrounding myself with Marian images.

For a long time, the Great Mother presented herself to me as the mother aspect of Morrigan. Morrigan is a harsh mother. She has no time or patience with foolishness. She is not for the faint of heart. As a goddess of war, childbirth, and sovereignty, she holds her children up to very high standards. She rewards honest effort and exacts a terrible toll for those who dare to cross her. I sincerely believe this is why one of the men that had sexually assaulted me has since had problems finding even a prostitute willing to lie with him and erectile dysfunction. (It was amusing when he accused me of cursing him. I have never cursed any being, no matter how wrathful I've been with them. In the case of this man, I simply asked that justice be done. Mother Morrigan attended to it.)

Somewhere in the last two years, the Great Mother presented herself to me in an appearance close to that of the traditional Marian iconography. Mother Morrigan has somehow stepped back to allow this much gentler guise to come forward. I don't think it is out of some implication of weakness on my part. I believe it is because I am unwell and have need of gentler handling. Can Morrigan be gentle? Yes, of course she can. I have experienced it.

The Great Mother, however, has deemed that I am to experience her this fashion. It has done considerable wonders for easing the anxiety that I feel towards her. Where I feared that even the slightest perceived misstep would disappoint or anger Morrigan, this face of the Great Mother doesn't hold that terror for me. There is a subtle pressure against my understanding of motherhood from my perspective as a child.

The Great Mother is penetrating the defenses that I established much like a flow of water eases through limestone. It is slow, consistent, and subtle. The changes that are being wrought are for my benefit, which a part of me is bewildered by. I ask why she would care about me. And then Loki laughs at me and tells me to open my eyes.

At times, I see flashes of Sigyn. Oddly enough, she looks much like the face that closely resembles Mary. The dress is different but so very much is alike that it confuses me. And in that confusion, the Great Mother reached out and touches me. I am learning that confusion is not prelude to terror. I am learning that having someone 'mother' me is not a painful experience.

It is something that I think is going to deepen and grow more profound as the year progresses. And I am quite thankful for that.

In the Mother's Arms

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 26 days)
Sign: Sagittarius
Weather: partly cloudy, seasonably cold,
& occasional flurries
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I was meditating this morning. I was prompted by the Lady to write. What is below is what I had written.

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She has taken me in her arms like a child. I struggle and refuse to be consoled, yet she remains steady and loving. I face great sorrow and am indignant towards the cruelty I have suffered. Yet she continues to hold me and keep me close in her care.

The Mother does not wish us to be alone in our miseries. She yearns to draw us close to her breast and comfort us. It is we who push away like a stubborn, petulant child, overwhelmed by our emotions and blinded to the comfort she gives. Some of us live in that state of angst driven struggle, refusing even rest when we are weary. This is not what she wants for us.

It is when we pause in our flailing that we find true rest and comfort in her arms, even if it is for only a few moments. It is the wise who simply put aside their stubborn insistence that they must engage their sorrows with out rest. A moment in the Mother's arms may be a brief few minutes or it can be much, much longer, for eternity is but the blink of her eye.

I yearn to be comforted and yet I am restless. I struggle with myself and the old habits of self persecution, self-denial, and emotional self-neglect. I am a poor spokeswoman for curing such habits by pure force of will.

What is required of us is the sacrifice of the unhealthy, and this is not a task we accomplish alone. Just as the Goddess gives us comfort when we are struggling with sorrow, she gives us aid when we need it. Those moments of blessed good fortune and synchronicity are the signs that her hand is extended to shelter and aid us.

Just as other gods would build great things with their children, so to is the Mother. It is not manifest as the works of man in great temples and buildings. It is manifest in the changing of the culture to ways of sincerity, acceptance, and universal compassion. We have a long way to go, but she will guide us, as she always has.

The question of evil

Waning Wolf Moon (age: 20.1 days)
Sign: Libra
Weather: Bitterly cold, overcast with wind out of the west
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I've been considering the question of evil for many, many years. I say question because in my faith, there is no deity or demigod of evil. There is no creed that affirms the traits of the gods to be as the Christian god, omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent. Is there cruelty in my gods, yes. But it is not malicious. It is very much so like the fate of the person who loses their home to a tornado. It is a cruel thing to happen but there is no moral judgment behind it.

Herein lies the crux of the question of evil, defining it. Some people say that evil is all form of suffering. Others say that it is to inflict suffering upon another with malice. Still others state that evil is to inflict unnecessary suffering upon another. I contend that evil can be defined as maliciously and deliberately inflicted suffering upon another being. I would further argue that there are two different categories of evil.

The first category is the suffering inflicted for the sake of suffering. Now, some people would argue that this is pure sadism. I have seen the benevolent face of sadism. It does exist. To call this pure sadism fails to consider the other variants of sadism that exist. It is when the suffering inflicted is done with out the consent of the victim. For the person who endures suffering willingly is making themselves part of the CAUSE of their suffering and become an active participant.

The second category is the suffering inflicted intentionally as part of an effort to create some type of effect. Think of the concentration camps of the Nazis. (Yes, I went the cheap route and invoked Godwin's law. It's the most recognized form of organized mass torture and murder, hence my choice.) These camps were created not only to inflict suffering upon people with out their consent but to achieve a larger goal, thereby bringing some benefit to the ones who are inflicting the suffering beyond the persecution of their victims.

Is the difference between these two forms of evil indicative of greater and lesser evils? Not really, evil is evil. There is no such thing as a lesser evil. There are different forms of evil, but the wise will reject evil in it's every form. Humanity has a talent for devising new forms of evil on a regular basis. It is something that sorrows me to see.

Is defending oneself from harm evil? No, it is a natural right. It is no more evil then fleeing from harm. Engaging in an unprovoked attack, however, IS evil and should be shunned. Do the gods engage in acts of evil? It is a distinct possibility but it is equally possible that they do not and we are misunderstanding their chaotic actions as evil, as harboring malice where there is none. To the fly that we swat, we may appear to be malicious and cruel when in actuality is was simply an action to halt the fly's biting into our skin. The fly's bite is no more evil then our crushing it with our hand.

Harm that derives from natural sources is unfortunate but a part of the experience of being alive. Evil, however, is the purview of humanity and similarly inclined spirits that are capable of the abstract reasoning that is necessary to produce it.

All of this, however, is simply my opinion.

Conversations with the Goddess #1

Full Wolf Moon (Age: 14 days)
Sign: Cancer
Weather: Seasonably cold, mostly sunny
& occasional flurries
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I have been having apparently an on going conversation with the Goddess over the last several days. A part of me says I should just leave this in my journal while another part says it should be shared, in case some one else is going through the same kind of experience. The italicized text is myself and the regular text is the Lady. I hope that this provides some measure of comfort to anyone out there.
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1/5/12

Holy Goddess, you call upon me to minister to the forgotten. You call me to develop prayers to open up the way of contemplation to the common man. You call on me to be a vehicle of your boundless love. I know I am blessed among your daughters. I remain constant in my faith in you despite the horrors and tragedies I have experienced in my life.

I am unsure where to begin in writing the prayers. You have shown me the tools you want people to use. You have left me unsure what name I should use to invoke you. You have given me great blessings and I feel self conscious asking for anything more.

Do you ever deny your child of the right to ask questions of you?

No.

Why, then, should I? Your mother was a poor mothr in many respects but never did she deny you your right to inquire.

By what name do I invoke you?

Mother or Great Mother is sufficient. Some see me as Mary or Isis. Some speak of me as Diana and others name me Dana. A thousand names may be given but they do not even begin to describe me. I am the Star Queen and the Death Hag. I am all these things and more. I am within you when you minister to the unfortunate and when you care for your children, for My children.

You are Mother even as you are priestess, seer, and mystic. You are my well beloved child in whom I am well pleased. I pour out my blessings like rain so that you may grow and thrive. So that you may share them with others. Ask simply when you are in need, with an open and honest heart, as a little child would ask. The Daughters of Dea know only me and reject my male half. This is not a flaw or error, but what they need. You see through to the truth. All things are of me and no man needs saving.
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1/8/12

[...] Is it hubris to keep back my pain in the hope to lessen the sorrows of the Mother?

What mother gives her child poison and claims it is good food and medicine. What mother does not weep at her daughter's sorrows and laugh with her joys. Ever have I celebrated you and praised you. And your kindness.

You fear me. I do not want this. I do not want your fear but rather your love. I want you to come unto me as a little child. You are a Queen in your own right, but ever on shall you be a little girl in the eyes of the Universe.

Invoke me always and keep my name on your lips. Celebrate your triumphs no matter how small. Show me your joys and treasures. Come to me for comfort in your sorrow and pain.

Do not feel shame for seeking comfort. I am your Mother and I love you. I could no more reject you then you could reject your own sons.

Lay down your burden. Do not fear. Simply be.

First post of the new Solar year.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 days)
Sign of Cancer
Weather: Unseasonably warm,
cloudy w/ intermittent rain showers
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Ave, Dea Madre! Gloria Plena!

It is the eve of the Full Moon. I have strung a fifteen decade Goddess rosary. As I strung the beads, I prayed. It sits upon my altar now, after I have taken it out into the night and shown it (and my other personal prayer beads) to the moon.

I meditated upon the Mother. I prayed to the Mother.

My heart breaks for the gulf of distance between my human Mother and I. It isn't that she lives on the other side of the country or that there is some great physical distance between her and I. It is an emotional distance. One that I suspect she is beginning to realize is the result of her mistreatment of me.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the first, secret pregnancy. Even as I was terrified that I'd be forced to marry the monster that had raped me, I was thrilled to carry within me a little Life. When I miscarried, I was heartbroken. I kept secret my mourning.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my eldest son. I thought of the joyful anticipation and excitement I felt. I felt that I was truly one of the most blessed women in all the world.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the birth of my youngest son. I thought of the times when I wasn't filled with confusion and terror. In its place, there was a blessed sense of peace, gratitude, joy, and anticipation.

As I sat and I prayed to the Great Mother, I thought back to the argument between my mother and I that set off the chain of events that brought me to the current state of affairs. I was torn between the desire to simply pass off her words as braggadocio and the horror I felt that she had gone so far as to threaten small, defenseless children in an effort to manipulate me. I was torn between my love for her and doing what was just.

I find myself seized with the strongest urge to pick up the phone and call my parents. To just tell them that I love them before I go to bed.

Goddess help me, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is it to reconcile with them or to remain distant? I pray. I meditate. I cast cards and throw runes. All things leave only that question hanging in the air. There is no sign either way, so I remain where I am at.

I feel on the verge of weeping. Even the Wolf's Father's kindness isn't penetrating this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I am doing my best to leave this in the Mother's hands, but I feel like I have cut out my beating heart and laid it bleeding upon the altar. I don't know if it is the altar of my conscience, the altar of justice, or the altar of the Gods.

I only know that I hurt and that I miss my mother, as crazy and flawed that she is.

Goddess Rosary II

On the terminal:

I believe in the Mother.

On the first bead:
Our Mother, the dust of whose feet is Heaven, holy is your name.
Your love come. Your will be done by Man as it is by Earth.
Give us this day our daily bread and teach us to forgive ourselves as we forgive others.
Lead us unto wisdom and deliver us from evil.

On the first three beads:
Hail Mother of All, giver of Grace!
Blessed are your Names, and blessed are we, your children.
Lead us now unto wisdom.
And comfort us at our hour of death.

On the fourth bead:
State first mystery (conception) and recite Our Mother (above)

Say 10 Hail Mothers while meditating upon the mystery.
Recite Our Mother

Repeat for remaining decades.

The Mysteries of the Mother
1. The Conception of Life
2. The Quickening of Life
3. The Transformation from Maiden to Mother (pregnancy)
4. The Suffering of Labor
5. The Triumph of Birth
6. The Suckling of the Child
7. The Growth of the Child
8. The Separation from the Child
9. The Transformation from Mother to Crone
10. The Mystery of the Great Mother (Goddess as death and bringer of rebirth)

A pagan rosary.

For months now, I have been doing research and study upon the rosary. I have examined the structure of the Catholic rosary. I have looked at and carefully considered the various pagan rosaries that I have found. I have even given careful consideration and study to the Goddess Rosary of the Daughters of Dea. They all approach something akin to what I feel pulled towards and called to do, but do not meet it.

I feel unworthy of the task of setting prayers to a witches' rosary. Even so, I find myself pushed farther down that path. Loki has remained silent upon this matter, stating that this is between myself and the goddess. Not a specific goddess, just the goddess. So, I must get over myself and give my best effort to begin crafting this set of prayers.

I have a set of beads. I have mysteries I contemplate as I handle them. I simply lack the prayers to recite. Here is my attempt. I am drawing off of the structure of the Catholic rosary and the Deanist rosary. I ask that any who wish to use these prayers to kindly do so upon one they have fashioned. I find it potentially offensive to take one fashioned for a Christian to pray upon and use it in this fashion. Offending deities or people who happen to be about you simply is rude.

On the terminal (this would be the cross on a Christian rosary)
I believe in the Goddess, Mother of all Life
I believe in the God, Father of all
I believe in the Nameless One, the unity of all that is in eternity*
I believe in the gods of my ancestors
And in the gods of my children

On the first bead after the terminal
Glory to the Gods, I believe in You

On the second, third, and fourth beads after the terminal
Hail, High Holy Ones
May your Names be blessed
Pour forth upon us wisdom
And guide us in Your ways

On the first bead after the medallion, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Conception and the time of beginnings] then add
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Incarnation and beginnings] then add
Oh Great Mother of All
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Mother of All
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Growth and Action] then add
Oh Holy Maiden
Oh Holy Hart in the Wood
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail to the Maiden
Hail to the Stag
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the mystery you are meditating upon
[For example: Maturity and completion] and add
Oh Horned One
And Great Crone
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail Horned One, Lord of Life and Death
Hail Great Crone, Lady of Mysteries
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the next spacer bead, state the next mystery you shall be meditating upon
[For example: Death, the world of Spirit, and the Unknown] and say
Oh Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me upon my path
Protect me from evil
And ever remember me, your child

On the next ten beads
Hail, Nameless and Infinite One
Guide me to wisdom
and protect me, your child

On the medallion
Blessed be the High Holy Ones
Blessed be the Goddess and God
Blessed be the Nameless and Infinite

Hear my prayers
May it be that they please you
And bless the world

So mote it be

*The Nameless and Infinite One is the unity of all divinity, incomprehensible in its vastness. It is devoid of specific gender because it is male, female, and neutral all at the same time.