Crumbling things?

Waxing Rose Moon (2 days old)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, a touch cool

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A theme has appeared over the last few days. It started making itself apparent around the new moon. There keeps being signs, reminders of things like the Tower and the Devil showing up in many places. Some of these signs being as big as the image of a man falling from the World Trade Center buildings as the towers were falling to the ground (which just randomly showed up in my feed once and then not again after that) and as small as a sudden, sharp increase in the amount of scavenger insects showing up in my yard when I was gardening on a clear day. (I carefully moved them to where they would not disturb my plants and did my best not to be squicked by it. Because bugs make my skin crawl. Not phobic, per se, but they kinda repulse me. Not entirely sure why.)

I have been struggling to write. I have been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as a housewife and stay at home mom. In the midst of all of this, devotional activities have become less active. It is just exhausting to keep up with the 'mundane' side of things. I get to the end of the day and I am upset because I haven't done my daily prayer routine. I get upset by the fact that I haven't gotten my devotional writing in. (I barely get my daily writing for my mental health done.)

To say the least, I am very disappointed with myself. I am not sure how to fix the situation. I'm not sure how to set myself up for success over the summer, because things are going to be even more busy with the kids on break from school. I am filled with dread. A part of me says I should just give up because I am doomed to failure. I recognize that as my mental illness speaking. But it is really hard to shake that feeling when I look at all the ways I have been slipping in other areas right now.

Loki said last night that I keep looking for excellence in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. He said that I am worrying too much about past patterns happening in the present when they are completely behind me. I was somewhere between ready to cry in relief that he wasn't upset with me and in pain because my whole body has been just in pain for a few days now due to what I presume is my arthritis but it could be side effects of medication changes.

Ingvi has been ... quiet of late. Which doesn't surprise me, it seems that this season is when things are more active between Loki and I. In the autumn and winter, Ingvi is more active. (Though Loki has no qualms about stopping by to offer sass and bad jokes when he feels the timing is best. And some of those jokes make 'dad' jokes look good.) Freyr surprised me last night when he said, "You are doing the best you could with what you have been burdened with. You can't run with a broken leg that never healed right. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not your fault."

I, again, found myself just about ready to cry. The two of them have been making a point of telling me when I get caught in that mental loop of self-criticism that echoes what I grew up with. And they make a point of reminding me that I am in the present and that it wasn't my fault. I feel like my life is slowly crumbling to pieces around me, which is perversely ironic. Because I have been more effective and active in maintaining my household over the last few months. On the surface, it looks like things are getting into order. But I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart.

It makes all of the other signs that I have been seeing a bit more disturbing. I ask myself if I am seeing them because something is coming or because I am looking for something to confirm this awful feeling of despair and futility. The whole thing gives me a headache to think about. I wish there was someway to just ... I don't know, feel better. Medication helps some. I've got a new therapist lined up that I will be seeing in two weeks. Why do I feel like I'm on the edge of the abyss and about to fall in? Is it because I'm on the verge of a breakthrough or because I'm on the verge of a breakdown? I can't tell. And that scares me.

Ah Gods, WTF?

Waning Gibbous Flower Moon (Age:18 Days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy with 

intermittent rain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have lost count how many times I have fallen over something, tripped, or otherwise had myself abruptly reminded of gravity today. I have also lost count how many minor annoyances kept popping up. Throw in the fact that today is Mother's Day and I had a hurdle of an emotional sort to clamber over as well and it just made today a day of frustration.

I don't know who or what is trying to draw my attention. But, upending 90% of the plans, causing things like a full jar of marinade to just jump off the counter and spill over damn near everything -EXCEPT me, and the number of times where I was tripping over things has now ensured that you have my attention. 

I had plans today. They got tanked. Beloved had plans today. They got tanked. Hell, the KIDS had plans today and they got tanked.

So, we were supposed to stay home, be indoors, and get on each other's nerves for the afternoon whilst I develop a case of fumble-everything? We did that, now what's next? A bit of clarity would be fantastic. This whole weekend started out as planned and then went horribly pear shaped. My anxiety is all over the map, like that spilled curry marinade across my kitchen. Can whomever is poking me make things known in a less ... dramatic fashion?

I almost felt like we'd been hit with a minor entropy curse or something. But the air lacked the distinct scent of a curse. (If I encounter a curse, they generally have a very ... unpleasant aroma. Sending them, it's like running a fan to blow the smell away. It's still there but it fades as it gets sent off elsewhere.)

So, yeah, wtf is going on here?

Snow & Ice & A curse or two.

Waning Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: X days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Cold, blowing snow

(Winter Storm Stella)

Drought status: N/A

Snow pack: ~ 8 in (haven't measured, can't find ruler)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Back last month on the 24th, if I recall it correctly, there was a considerable effort put forth by many to curse that selfish monster in the Presidency. As much as I wanted to participate, life got in the way. It was the time of the last waning phase of the moon before the new moon. It is considered a prime time for casting spells of a 'darker' nature. It is also considered a good time for planting stuff that grows underground and for cutting hair. That, however, is beside the point of my post here.

I was trying to figure out what sort of spell was going to be most effective in bringing that man bad luck. While I was busy asking deities to mess with him, and giving them things in return for this, I cogitated on the matter. I was really stumped until this storm hit. And then it struck me just what to do. This spell is in two parts. The first part is a binding that is a bit different from what I usually do. The second part is a more ... traditional curse.

The binding requires a few things. A black candle, a facial hair from a woman (beard preferably), sand, and salt are what you need for this. Now, there is one element that you can't exactly pick up and place. The breath of a fish is something that sounds nonsensical. If you have a betta fish, as I do, you have access to all the little bubbles they blow when they get bored and decide to entertain themselves. What I did was I clipped one of the facial hairs off my chin and then used it to pop one of those little bubbles. Thus, it got a tiny bit of that fish breath on it. I then put that hair, a few grains of sand, and a few grains of salt on the candle. The sand and salt are both base elements in much of the landscape in my region. If I had powdered shale, I would have used that. But, if you can find out what the bedrock of your region is, go with that. That is the 'roots of the mountains' for this spell.

Anyone with a passing familiarity with Norse mythology will recognize the items I have gathered as what was used by the dwarves, amongst other items, to make the binding known as Gleipnir (the open one) that was used to bind Fenris. I made a point of not acquiring something like all of the items because it makes this harder to work. I haven't access to a cat, a bird's nest, or the remains of a bear. If I did and I was able to manage to some how capture the essence of a cat's footfall, bird saliva, and bear sinew, I would have made the attempt with it. Even though I haven't the full list of what was used for Gleipnir, what I have is still 'impossible' enough to make something that defies the efforts of those opposing me. So, I applied my spell elements to the black candle of binding with the intention that they are drawn into the flame and spun into a binding that will render the man, his right hand, and their supporters as ineffective in their tasks as Fenris is in causing mischief.

I am not putting my hand in this wolf's mouth. It has already done its best to consume me before I had declared it to be an enemy of my wellness and my people. This is something that they owe me for their deeds. This binding is but the first part of payment they are going to make on the things they have wrought against us. And, as the moon is not completely waning or new, I draw in some of the power of the full moon to push this forward. I am going to burn the candle completely and then the ashes will be disposed of in a manner that they can not contaminate anything due to their connection to that man. Some may ask, my use of my own hair in this spell, does it not draw that contamination to myself as well. I answer to this question, this is why I am going to be doing a full cleansing on all levels later and why I waited until such a cleansing was necessary. What I am sending of myself behind this spell is the miasma that has collected to me, the essence of my suffering, the various elements of despair and grief that have struck me. It is an act of sending a fetch made of my misery after them. Not something done lightly, but it serves multiple purposes. (No, I'm not going to go over all of them. And, to any who suspect it, yes, this was something advised by the All Father and the Vanadis.)

The sending of this element of myself after them is the concluding part of the binding and the beginning of the curse. I am going to reach out into the psychic energies within this storm and into all of the pain and misery that it has caused. I am going to grasp hold of the great toll of loss that this storm carries with it and channel it along the path that the fetch has gone. I am going to send the essence of snow and ice to blind their eyes so they may not see to do yet more evil. I am going to send the essence of bitter cold to choke their breath and slow their hands so that they have not the strength to engage in yet more evil. And I am going to send all aspects of ruin to them to destroy what they are attempting to build and rip apart the things they are engaged in to destroy the good of the nation.

One may ask, what sort of price goes along with this sort of thing. Well, there's two different ones to be paid here. One is actually to the storm jotuns who move through these storms to direct their attention and efforts towards these people in particular. (It is one that I negotiated with them. If you are going to do such a thing, you are going to have to negotiate your own price with them. Or with whatever elemental being or deity it is that your practice sees working with storms.) The other price that I pay is to the Lady of the Dead, Hela herself. Because in turning all of this baneful work on these people, it may go so far as to include the demise of them in the most literal of senses. So, I have asked for her direct aid in this. This was something else I had to negotiate directly with her.

There are some others, I am sure, that would also take interested in such work. As I am engaged in this under the direction of the All Father and the Lady, I know that their assistance is already in play. I have paid the dues for it by doing this work. (I also have additional work to do for them. As I mentioned earlier, this is outside of the scope of this post so I won't discuss it here.)

But, here's an idea for something that may work for you. If there is no storm raging that you can reach into and draw magic from, I know that you are all a resourceful lot and can find other ways to tap into primal energies.

A vision.

Waxing GibbousWorm Moon (Age: 11 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cold, cloudy, snow 

possible later

Snow pack: n/a

Drought status: None

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke up from a very brief nap. As I woke a vision struck me. I saw a veiled young woman holding a sword. The sword had a rounded, blunted tip, though the edges were deadly sharp. Her skin was very dark. She was dressed in a black gown which was nearly indistinguishable from her skin except for a subtle difference in shade and the obvious difference in how fabric lies versus flesh. She stood at the head of a river. A rivulet of water rose up at her feet and flowed towards me.

As I watched, the water turned to blood and the thin stream widened. She did not stir as this happened. The woman, I must clarify, was not in her early 20s, but rather looking to be in her 30s. There was great strength in her bearing. The gown was sleeveless, so I could see her arms and it was clear that she was someone of significant physical strength. 

I do not know entirely what this vision means, but I suspect it is an omen of things coming to pass. My gut says that the woman I saw in this vision was a figure like Nemesis. Perhaps a face of Dea, the Janya Vikhë maybe. She is coming. I know this for sure. This figure bearing the sword of Mercy and Justice is coming to us. And her coming is not going to be pleasant, but it will be necessary.

Messages in a Pack of Cards

Waxing Ice Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonably cold

Snow Pack status: dusting on the ground

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the first time in a long while, I had a tarot reading done for me. The cards pretty much bluntly told me to accept all of the changes happening in my life. And they told me to stop fighting it so hard, because it is really for my own damn good. (I could elaborate, but some of the stuff is somewhat private.)

Then, last night, I had some bad dreams. In between a few weird nightmare, however, there was a dream where I saw Rose, Stargazer, and my late Aunt. The three of them were sitting together on one side of a circular table. Rose had coffee, Stargazer had tea, and my Aunt had wine. The table looked like the last sliver of the old moon before a new moon. The wood was highly polished and well aged. The thin crescent of white wood was holly. The black wood was ebony. Between them and myself was a pack of very generic looking cards. They were like the size of the largest deck I own (cards were about as long as the length of my hand and almost as wide as my hand). They had a brown back with a seven rayed white star in the center.

Rose turned over the first card and put it before me. It was not like any tarot card I am familiar with. Sure, you could say it was the 'ace oft wands' or the 'ace of swords' depending on how you wanted to view the spear. It was, however, no normal spear image. The spear was most definitely Odin's spear, Gungnir. It was in 'direct' orientation. As I looked at the spear, I saw blood begin to appear on the sharpened edges and roll down the spearhead. It dripped down the spearhead, down the haft of the spear, and then spilled over the edge of the card to form a pool of blood on the side facing me.

Stargazer turned over the next card and set it beside the first. It had a shield that was broken. It was a round buckler styled shield that was split half way down from the top to the center, where the metal boss was. The buckler was with out any device on it. But it was blood red and a band of black went around the edge. Stuck into the split at the top of the shield was a broken antler. As I looked at the card, I could hear ravens and crows calling. And I could smell mud and blood.

My Aunt turned over the third card and set it on the right of Stargazer's card. This card started off looking like a white lily, much like the Easter Lilies. Then, the blossom faded and turned brown before falling off. The leaves of the lily lengthened and turned to sword blades pointing upward. At the place where the blossom was, a star was there. It was no ordinary star though. It was more like the flash of blinding brilliance that you see when something goes nova.

The three of them then set their hands on the deck. Rose said to me "You draw the next card." Stargazer said, "Remember where you are going and where you come from." And my Aunt said, "Remember we are with you." As I reached forward to the deck, I heard a screaming noise. It was this strange cross between something bestial, something avian, and something human, along with elements of rending metal.

I heard a voice behind me say quietly, "Be not afraid. I am with you." Then I could smell the scents of forge fire and deep forest. As I turned the fourth card, that screaming noise became even more tortured. I saw natural disasters of all shapes happening in that card all at the same time. It was visual cacophony. The last thing I saw, however, was a man dressed in black standing behind someone who had light shone on him. The man in black was standing with his back to me, as was the person who was in the light (and a royal blue throne, with out gilding). The man's hair was cut short and he was standing at something like parade rest. His hair color was dark, but I couldn't tell for certain. He held an unsheathed dagger behind his back.

Somehow, I knew that THIS was our enemy.

Then I had another nightmare about shoveling snakes with a snow shovel. (It was super weird. When I woke up, I was going 'what the actual fuck?)

On 'black magic'

Waning Wolf Moon (Age 23 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Unseasonably warm, foggy

winter storm due in the next 48 hrs

Drought Status: D 0 - Unusually Dry

Snow Pack: melted

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Here's some copy-pasta from a discussion thread I was involved in on Facebook. I will apologize, I am that annoying person who won't proofread their FB posts and will not capitalize aside from proper names.

magic is like a hammer. a hammer is morally neutral. it can be used to build a house, fashion toys for children, or help re-break a badly set bone so it can heal properly. it can also be used to break the windshield on some one's car, injure animals, and to murder someone. the question is how are you using it and what is your intent. because, that breaking the windshield on the car may be opening it so you can pull someone out before the cat catches fire, the animal may be livestock that is getting humanely killed so that someone may eat, and the person killed may be done so in self defense.

do i do things that are considered by the mainstream pagan community as 'dark' or 'left-hand path'? yes, and i wouldn't hesitate to do so again. i use my proverbial hammer judiciously and as i deem appopriate for the situation. because magic has such a strong potential to go awry if things are not executed properly, it is not my first choice in resolving situations. i hold it in reserve until things have reached a point where i have little other recourse. curses are not something to be undertaken lightly. (by the way the really popular healing spells to make cancer go away or for your viral illness go away are technically structured as curses. and blessings can be just as damaging and horrific, if not more so. look at that old 'interesting times' one for a good example.)

there are times, however, where i had to use a curse. if you are careful and deliberate about how you structure it and the methodology you use to enact it, that 3x blow back thing is less of a concern. it is important to remember in what ever form of spell craft you engage in that you are going to be working with or against laws of physics and such. thus, to make a spell effective, you must over come the inertia of the situation (commonly referred to as 'raising energy') and you must be prepared to handle the reciprocal effects in your direction from what you initiate (all actions have an equal and opposite reaction unless acted upon by an outside force).

addendum: the 3x return thing is in most cases not a literal i do something nice for someone and somethign amazing happens for me. the incidences i have observed of things coming back with interest i can count on one hand and i've been practicing magic in some shape for over thirty years now. it is more like pushing on a pendulum. it will swing back with force equal to what you put into it. a lot of people don't realize, however, just the amount of force they put behind that push.

Vision.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 22 days)
Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Unseasonably warm, humid

moderate rain showers

Drought status: D 0 (unusually dry)

Snow pack: melted

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I was briefly viewing the footage from the protesting happening in DC today, I was struck by something that was chilling. It was a single, brief thing. But, something deep inside me noted it.

Protesters who were not violently engaged and members of the press were fired on with tear gas and other 'non-lethal' projectiles. The people firing were aiming at clusters of people, regardless if they were in a threatening position. While the press is reporting that this happened towards strictly only the people who were throwing things at the police and national guard, the video footage that I was watching (that was real time and unedited) showed that they were also taking aim at people who were simply standing with their hands raised in the universal gesture of surrender and at members of the press.

The vision was fleeting, but I saw a large man (perhaps impossibly large) beaten to the ground by a mob. This was entirely contrary to what was happening. The vision took place in a location with little to no vegetation. It looked like a field of pure ice. This man looked at me. He reached a hand towards me, his expression one of pure terror.

Some would read this as a sign that the people will throw off their oppressors, etc.

It was not what I got out of this. This man had the look of a soldier who had been in harsh battles and was attempting to stand against a mob that was threatening others. Thus, he moved forward with the expectation of his experience and size would be enough to curtail would be attacks.

He, however, was not successful. Because the others just didn't stop coming.

Their faces were masks of rage. They looked almost bestial in their expressions, but it was that queer, unique quality that can be seen only in human faces. All the worst traits of simian expressions of wrath, sans the disturbing teeth to add to it.

They were NOT the oppressed. They were the ones that the man tried to stop. He was not violent. Even as they assailed him, he was doing his best not to harm them. And he was deeply afraid.

I don't know who the man was. But he needs help. And the ones he is protecting need it as well.

Do the Work.

Waning Wolf Moon (Age: 21 Days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Cool (average temp is near freezing)

Cloudy with rain expected later
Snow Pack: Melted

Drought Status: D0 - Abnormally Dry

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The last week has been exhausting because of all this work to change myself. It was especially challenging to get into the physical activity. Beloved has taken matters in hand and been helping me stay on task. He's helped me put together a list of weekly and daily tasks. He's also helping me stay accountable. I've been struggling with the nonsense thoughts that I should be accomplishing all of this on my own and that it is some how wrong for me to need help. Also, the thoughts that I am somehow wrong for my kinky inclinations and such.

Ingvi said to me earlier while I was coming back from my walk (with weights, it was tiring) that I needed to stop worrying about what was 'right' and look at what it is I need and what it is that actually works for me. It was a ... gentle reminder that needs trump opinions. I am beginning to think I need to make a post it note or something and post it where I see it every day. I was feeling upset that I am not doing any 'work' right now.

This got me a droll look. As Ingvi looked at me as though I said something completely foolish, Loki piped up. He said in a tone of pure sarcasm, "Because completely changing your life to become healthy is just a new hobby, right?" I was half tempted to fire back with my own sarcasm but... well, I know that I can't win a battle of words with the Lie-Smith. He's just too damn good at it. (Sometimes I try for funsies, but it's pretty clear that he is feeding me enough rope to hang myself. It's all in good fun. Because he thinks its funny to watch me try to get in a few good licks while he basically holds me at arms length and lets me swing at the air, all for the sake of amusement. We have an odd relationship.)

I was meditating earlier. Ingvi sat down beside me on the couch. (It is always a bit odd when you feel someone sit down beside you, complete with the couch cushions shifting, but there is no one physically there.) He said to me, "Before you can help anyone else, you need to take care of yourself. Put on your oxygen mask first, et cetera, et cetera. The Work you feel called to do, it flows out of your own health. How can She direct you when you are not well enough to hear her? How can She guide you when you are not well enough to act on your own?"

I was somewhat upset with that last point. As it started to shake me out of my light trance, he set a hand on my knee. (The mild ache that I had from walking just vanished when he did it. It was pretty nice.) He said to me, "You are a fighter. You are stubborn. Put that to work for you, not against you. You are still at the beginning. Learn to walk before you run. You've been injured, you must heal your injury before you can do more. Be patient. I know you can be. Do so, for me."

So, apparently this effort to get myself healthier as the Work I must focus on right now.

Push Forward.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Cold, cloudy
Snow Pack: > 1 in
Drought Status: Abnormally Dry (DS 1)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been working hard to do all those healthy things. Eating healthy, getting enough water, and getting exercise has been probably the easier part of it all. It is the managing the mental health stuff that has been hard. When I get upset and feel like I am just going to fail, so why bother trying, Ingvi gives me a rather stern look. Thus, I continue to make the effort, even though I may grumble some. Because I don't want to disappoint him.

I was really struggling yesterday. As I was sitting at the table working on updating my mental health journal and I noticed that I didn't get all of my check boxes marked for the day, I was discouraged. As I sat there looking down at my notebook with despair, he walked up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder. I could feel him leaning over me to look at the notebook. He then said to me, "It is not good enough? Why?"

I answered that it was never good enough, sounding utterly miserable. That is when Loki piped up from the other room "What have I said about opinions?" At which point I just kinda sighed. I caught Freyr waving a hand at Loki. I think he was about to have more to say, I'm not sure. But, Freyr wrapped an arm around me before setting his cheek against mine.

He said very quietly, "You're tired. You never look kindly at yourself when you are tired. Let this be and go enjoy the company of your husband and rest." I felt badly about leaving my notes for the day incomplete. I don't think it was pure coincidence that my pen stopped working. So, after having some quality time with Beloved and talking about all the garbage thoughts rattling around in my head, I fell asleep.

I don't remember my dreams except for one thing. I was trying to push forward through a very large pile of snow. It was literally deep enough that it came to the middle of my chest. I just knew that I had to go forward. I was exhausted but still trudging. As I was doing so, I some how could hear *someone* calling me from out ahead of me. Their voice kept getting lost in the wind. But I could hear a voice calling.

Struggling.

Everything weather wise is in flux right now. A new comet has been discovered. A new thing that is on a near-Earth approach has been discovered and they're not sure what it is. The political climate is marching steadily towards tumult of the most unpleasant sort. And my head is not ... happy.

I was having a grumpy, fairly miserable day. Then Loki pretty much ordered me to get out of the house. He met my crankiness with pure surly and over bid, I rolled a one whereas he got a natural 20. I don't know if the dice were loaded or not. I'm not sure how easy it is to load a 20 sided die. Then again, he may have been using Cthluhlu's dice and who knows what that number actually was.

So, I went out and got lunch quick at the pizza place around the corner. As I sat there eating, watching Deliverance on the tv (remember what an awful movie it was) I tried to figure out if my problem was due to something physical or phyisiological. I mean, my cold is going away. I was eating so my blood sugar wasn't a problem. I had taken all of my medications in the morning. Hormones were off because of my being on my menses, but that didn't seem especially bad.

After I finished my food, I came back home. I was starting to get sucked back into that grumpy headspace when Ingvi told me to go outside, that there was a surprise waiting for me. I wandered to the back deck. I discovered much to my delight that my miniature rosebushes have survived the weather we had recently. Upon Freyr's suggestion, I moved them to the most sheltered spot I have outside. Then, I came around the plants out front. That was when I discovered that I had live mint plants still growing in a pot that was forgotten and essentially dried out until the snow hit (at which point it was frozen).

So, I came inside, puttered around with my houseplants and potted up the mint sprigs. I still don't feel that great. I don't know if it is hormones, still lingering stress from the holidays, or if it is my mood cycling. As I wandered around here this afternoon, I could feel them present. When my thinking started to get excessively self critical, Loki was throwing out sarcastic commentary about how 'accurate' it was. When I caught myself ready to just give up on doing stuff that was good for me, Freyr was there just quietly, but sternly reminding me that I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

I don't know, is this how godspousery works for other people? Am I going crazy? I don't know. And, to top it all off, they're both telling me how I *really* need to talk to Beloved about my anxiety about everything. I feel like I've just been dumping alot of anxious blabber into his lap. But I've got Loki and Ingvi both getting progressively... displeased with my attempt to just suck it up and deal. (And Loki says dryly 'yes, because you can just 'suck up and deal' with a sucking chest wound, shall I hold your hair for you while you bleed out so it doesn't get matted?')

Wut?

Mentally drawing a blank on stuff like weather description and current lunar position/phase. It's been a long day. I hope that you will forgive me not posting that usual bit of detail.

I am working on making changes in my life. This is supposed to be a good thing. I am, however, exhausted and apprehensive. And I'm only 2 days into the new calendar year. I don't know if it is my cold and the stress of the last few weeks catching up with me or what. I just know that I don't feel well and I'm worried that I'm going to mess everything up.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. This makes me anxious. So, I'm trying to curb the mess and get things organized. Which is overwhelming, thus I am anxious. And I think I pushed myself too hard yesterday, which is why today I was so tired and mentally shot.

Why am I so bad at pacing myself? I want to do better. I'm afraid I am going to fail. And I don't know what to do about it.

And I'm mentally just spinning my wheels. All together not conducive to anything remotely like doing tarot readings or whatever.

Ingvi, Lord of Winter?

Full Cold Moon (Age: 16 Days)

Current Sign: Void of Course

Weather: Bitter cold, windy, some lake effect
Snow Pack Depth: 3 in, approx.

Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many people point to Freyr as the lord of spring and summer. I will confess, I was one of those people. Then life got interesting. Over the last few years, I am finding that things between him and I become more ... intense in the time of year from Samhain to Beltane. I was inclined to consider it my attention was drawn more to him because there was less stuff going on to distract me.

Now, I'm not entirely sure that assessment is correct. I have a feeling that there are people who are going to get offended with this. But, he is very strongly encouraging me to put this out there for others to take and consider. Freyr is a gentle god. But he is not always gentle. And he is not always what we would perceive as kind. He has kindness in him. I am not saying that is not there or that he is maliciously inclined. Woe betide the one who earns his anger. I've glimpsed his anger. It is fearsome. He is not one you should seek to intentionally cross or offend. He will simply destroy you. Consider it fortunate, Freyr is not quick to anger and the things that move him to it are not small matters. Things like the business of what is happening in Aleppo are what moves him to fury. People choosing to act inhumanely and with out regard for other lives, they are the ones he gets angry with. Failing to properly observe your devotional activities or act in proper ways, tends to get exasperation in my experience.

Right now, the weather is bitter. Depending on how the winds shift, we may have blizzard like conditions tonight at my home. The wind is blowing hard enough that it has nearly blown a partially filled bird feeder off of the branch it hangs on and we have a draft. It seems an odd time for Freyr to be so viscerally present right now in my awareness. And yet, he is here. His presence has a sharper edge to it than during the warmer months. I feel him with me in many ways. He smiles. It is a beautiful smile, but it makes me uneasy because he challenges me.

I was sitting here quietly panicking over the idea of dealing with some relatives that I do not have a very good relationship with. Suddenly, he was here. He said to me with a mixture of bemusement and confusion, "My brave, beautiful girl. Why don't you know how wonderful you are? Why don't you know how courageous you are? Who stole that from you?" It knocked me for a loop. All of this was on the heels of a health problem that forced me to seek help from others in situations that were, for me, humiliating. The act of sitting in the doctor's office in so much pain that I could not breathe properly and depending on my husband to help me figure out words to describe what was wrong was painful and difficult for me. It just got even more so as time went on, resulting in trips to the hospital for pain and a few rather terrifying incidents where I found myself even more dependent on others for help. And then, not five minutes after Beloved said to me, "Do you even know why you are apologizing?" and I realized with great grief that I was expecting emotional harm for being vulnerable from someone who has never and would never do so, the cause of all my pain was revealed and a solution was given.

I was shaken by Beloved's question. I was equally shaken by Ingvi's question earlier this evening. They say that in winter, he goes into the mound. Some say he goes into Hel's realm for a time. Others say different things. Either way, in winter, he comes to me. And he challenges me. The same one who pushes the plants to grow from tiny, hard seeds by cracking their painful, confining seed coat and drawing them up through the cold earth, he comes to me and breaks the hard shells of unhealthy thoughts and habits that surround me. He pushes me in a manner that is hard and unyielding. To the person looking from the outside, this seems uncharacteristic behavior of Freyr. Freyr is the gentle, golden god who pined for Gerda and was so distraught by love sickness he sent his friend as a go-between.

Ingvi, however, is also a lord of a fearsome host. It is my experience that he joins the Wild Hunt in their winter ride. He laughs and moves through it all with a fierce, if not possibly savage joy. In winter, he is the force of life that thrives despite the cold. He is also the one who keeps company with the dead and leads them forth when it is time to go a-hunting. Some people will be highly offended by this characterization of him. Some may say that I am not actually dealing with Freyr but an imposter. That may be their thought, but this is who I know him to be and how he has revealed himself to me.

And I love him in all his ways. Even when the lessons I am learning are painful. Because I know that he is leading me to healing and deeper love.

Wait, wut?

Waning Crescent Blood Moon (27 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Partly cloudy, some rain, cool
Drought Status: Moderate

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, at Loki's behest, I wrote a post wherein I directly named a being that I am uncomfortable naming this time of year. Then, I did my very best to make as much of an obvious disclaimer/warning for people not to try to play with said being. I gave him the side eye over this. He said, "Don't fear NAMES."

I have two things here that make me a bit ... bewildered. First, how did he manage to somehow speak in capital letters. It was the weirdest cross between visual psychic impression and auditory at the same time. I think this is just a case of Loki doing Loki things - namely throwing odd ball things into the mix to make me sit up and pay attention. (It gets pretty weird around here when I am head-blind.)

Second, I'm not sure why the emphasis upon not fearing names. I am pretty sure there is something more here than my reluctance to directly name one of the most fearsome terrifying spirits in my region. I mean the Wendigo is terrifying to a point where I'm even kinda uncomfortable typing it here. (I justify this by the fact that I did not say their name directly and there is a strike through it, thus obscuring the word/name somewhat. It does not make me more comfortable, though.) He has a point to this exercise and I can't quite grasp it.

Loki has been fairly chatty at odd moments over the last little while. Times when I don't expect it, like when I am in utter pain and desperately trying to concentrate on just breathing through it. He just showed up and started talking to me about how brave I was being and that it really was a much better thing to focus on breathing through the pain rather than holding my breath. He also helped me sleep by basically grabbing hold of me and dragging me down into unconsciousness whilst essentially throwing me in Freyr's direction as he goes "JUST TALK TO HIM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

The last bit sort of makes sense. I've been feeling self conscious and like I am an imposition upon Ingvi. As a result, I've been kinda very shy. I have gone into 'If I'm quiet enough, I won't get noticed and I won't be a problem for anyone.' mode. Loki's had enough of that shit. Thus the "NOW GO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE!" and such. Ingvi, for his part, seems somewhere between mildly annoyed and exasperated, with a dash of outrage that I feel this way (the outrage, however, is not directed at me but the situations that have taught me this coping mechanism).

Load the berth.

I'm all out of spoons right now. Please forgive my failure to note things like lunar phase, sign, and such. I am still unwell and in a lot of pain. As a result, it has made it difficult to think of much or get organized enough to do anything. I am frustrated and miserable. Also, I am anxious and terribly self conscious.

Earlier today, I was laying in bed trying to wait for my OTC medication to kick in for pain. I was perseverating on how much I was worried that I was an inconvenience and problem for Beloved. As I was sitting there quietly freaking out, Ingvi set a hand on my brow. He said to me, "What are you supposed to do with your panic when it is time to rest?" I just sort of mentally froze. I was too wrapped up in feeling badly and spiraling into panic to really get it.

He showed me an image from the dream where we first had this conversation sometime last year (I think). We were standing on a pier and his ship was moored on the left side. Beside me was a staggeringly large pile of boxes, trunks, and all other assorted forms of luggage. It represented everything from my daily worries about if the apartment was clean enough to my insecurities about how loveable I am to my even deeper issues. He picked up one of the boxes which was actually a wooden crate almost half as tall as I was. He walked over to the ship, stepped on board, and secured it in the hold. He then looked at me with a mild expression that was something between exasperation and ... I don't know, something I can't find a word for right now.

So, I began mentally boxing up my present anxieties and giving them to him. Boxes that seemed enormous and impossibly heavy, he lifted with all the ease that would come with a small box of tissues and set them in his ship. The hold did not fill up, as I worried it would. (That went into a box of its own - something that looked like an iron chest.) The ship did not seem weighted down for the cargo. To get me out of my solemness, Ingvi started whistling, singing, and generally being cheerful about it all. At one point, he actually began juggling boxes. That was what broke my very serious demeanor, by the way.

I felt myself moving into sleep as he took me by the hand and lead me to a place where I could rest with him. My pain was still present, but it did not cause me the emotional distress it was.

Burn it all down, child.

Waxing Hunter's Moon (Age: 9 Days)
Sign: Pisces

Weather: Seasonable, clearing skies

Drought Status: Severe

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting here trying to process everything with respect to the election. Signs of fire and disaster leading up to last night really should have been listened to more on my part. I, honestly, hoped that Trump wasn't going to get the electoral votes to secure the presidency. I was wrong. I am upset. I am deeply disturbed. And, I am angry.

I turned to Loki and asked him what the everloving fuck was going on with this result. His response was initially a rather dry 'Indeed.' Then, after a pause, he said, "Don't ascribe human stupidity to divinity." Unlike the other times where I see humans doing human things that are particularly WTF, he was not amused. He sounded tired. A good number of the other folks I know who have an active devotional relationship with Loki have been getting the same results when they inquire the same thing. This leads me to believe this is most definitely an accurate assessment of his position.

As the anger is rising in me, I note with some dark humor that Trump's victory is on the anniversary of Kristallnacht. It is a date that lives in infamy, to be honest. I now question if we will witness our very own version of this infamy in the near future. Pitchforks and torches may be the only good investment right now as all the global markets drop precipitously on the heels of Trump's victory.

One may wonder what this has to do with the meme I posted at the head of this entry. I am quietly being encouraged to hold on to my anger. I'm finding myself exhorted by so many subtle points right now (and I am pointedly avoiding active participation on social media today, I have been working on my novel instead) to hone it and forge my anger into a weapon of resistance. So, I am in the process of deciding what to do.

Fire cures everything, right? If it isn't cured, you have not applied enough fire to the problem, right?

Anxiety + Worship = Inactivity.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, dry, seasonable temp.
Drought Status: Extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Damn my anxiety. I have been so afraid of doing something that will upset or offend any/everyone that I have been inactive on all fronts, even worship. My proverbial curling up in the fetal position, however, has not been ignored. I suppose this leads to a whole pile of uncomfortable feelings as a result. At night, Ingvi and Loki are with me. Sometimes both of them. sometimes one of them. But there is always someone with me, usually talking me out of laying there and panicking over the thought of falling asleep and having nightmares of the past.

I feel horribly guilty about the fact that I have lapsed in my devotional activities. I get so far as lighting a candle. Then I find myself quietly terrified that I'm not good enough, that I will somehow offend the gods, or that the things I was told when I was younger about the emptiness of prayer are all correct. At which point, I back away from the altar and try to occupy myself with something else that will chase those thoughts away. Usually, it's been looking at cat videos on the internet or knitting.

Loki is beginning to get exasperated with it all. When the fear hits the point where I simply can not bear it, he starts telling me things like the fact that I am even trying is a good sign. His response to my anxiety in the face of those things ranges from frustration to something akin to feeling as though he has been personally insulted. But, he hasn't said anything to indicate that I have insulted him. His anger is directed at the people who hurt me in the past. And it is disturbing to view, to be honest.

Ingvi has been quiet about it all. I am not sure how to handle that silence. Well, it is not complete silence. He's been doing things like reminding me to take my medications and eat when I am hungry. Basically helping me take care of myself. Because I haven't been sleeping well, he's been pointedly noting when I have the opportunity to rest during the day and firmly instructing me to do so.

He sings to me.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 20 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Unseasonably warm, partly cloudy skies

Drought status extreme.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was having a hard time sleeping again. Ingvi was with me. As I tried to sleep (with the assistance of bendaryl), I heard him singing quietly. He has done this other nights where I have a hard time sleeping. He just holds me and sings. I could remember the music of it, but never the words. Then I stumbled on to Storm Weather Shanty Choir via Spotify. Cue my amazement and surprise when I recognized this. 

For the curious, when he sings, his vocal range is exceptional. He can sing baritone easily as well as tenor. His falsetto is easily in soprano range. It really is amazing. I honestly don't think he has a vocal break.

Stumbling with Apples.

Waning Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Overcast, stormy

Drought status: extreme

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been unwell. I am taking measures to resolve this. My illness has cut into pretty much everything, which has me feeling frustrated and helpless. I was struggling with this when Ingvi came to me earlier today. At one point, I was literally stumbling over things and getting very angry with it all.  As I caught myself in an effort not to fall over my feet at the grocery store, Ingvi made a point of catching my eye. I looked over and he was standing beside a display of locally grown apples.

He set a hand upon some of them. The pile shifted a little bit. A woman who was in the process of picking some fruit out of a near by bin (that was not attached to the apple display) commented something tart about how the store did a bad job of rearranging everything and that she was pretty sure the apples were just going to fall everywhere. (She was in a sour mood over the fact that my local Walmart turned the fruit and vegetable display about 90 degrees and moved the bananas another 5 feet towards the bread. I don't know why she was so upset over this, because the arrangement made it easier to move the carts through it all but who knows. Sometimes people hate change.) This woman's muttered comment assured me that I was not seeing things, which made me feel a bit better about everything to be honest.

I casually walked over to the apples. Ingvi gave me a smile and said to me, "What do you and the apple trees have in common?" Then he vanished. I wandered around the store, forgetting his question not long after he posed it. This evening, it struck me what I had in common with the apple trees. Despite the adversity that has come up and made life difficult, I continue to grow and do what must be done. I continue to act in accordance with my nature, even though conditions have arisen that makes this difficult to do.

I may be stumbling, but I am still walking. The trees may be struggling, but there are still apples.

There is hope yet, so long as I do not give up.

The air smells of Fire.

New Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Hot, fair skies
Drought declared extreme by NWS

~*~*~*~*~*~

At first, the smell was strongly of cut wood. I didn't think overly much of it because I do live just down the road from a lumberyard. But it is after they have shut their doors for the night, a good number of hours. And none of my neighbors have been working on any sort of home improvement projects in the dark. No noise of tools or lights to illuminate their work. Nothing.

And then the smell changed. Now, the air smells of smoke and my eyes smart with it. I know some of the farmers about are burning the stubble from their fields after taking in their wheat. At the same time, those fields are to the east, the wind would blow that away from me.

I suspect this is an omen. And I fear it bodes ill.

Roses for Ingvi

Waning Buck Moon (Age 28 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Hot, humid
Still in Drought status

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wanted to do something special for Freyr. Today is Lammas, Chelanya, and Freyfaxi. I have dear friends who are holding rites to celebrate today. I didn't have the luxury of time for something extravagant. I found myself out running around getting things ready for the start of school in about a month and taking care of the stuff for summer school that is going on now. Not to mention the pile of stuff I needed to do for just housework and such (not finished by even half, to be honest). That, however, is not a bad thing.

This, the first of the harvest celebrations of the season, is for me a holy day of work. Thus, I spent my day at work and mindful of the blessings that I am currently reaping. I found it fitting that the field that I regularly pass on the way to drop Beloved off at work before I bring the boys to summer school was harvested today. Every day I passed it, I thought of Ingvi. Even as I worried about our drought and how the harvest was going to fare.

I bought him a bouquet of roses. They're yellow. In the Victorian practice of floriography, they mean friendship, joy, and jealousy. Generally, if the flowers are given inverted with the left hand, the negative meaning is the one conveyed. (I did not do so with these.) Also, a full bouquet is an expression of gratitude. I not only happily gave him the full bouquet as an expression of affection and joy in him. I also spent some time at work with my plants in his honor. 

This is something that has become a bit of a bonding time for the two of us during the course of an average week. I don't get nearly as much writing as I wanted to do done. But every week, I have to spend about an hour (actually longer in the outdoor growing season) tending plants. That makes for an hour that I spend exclusively focused upon him. Some people argue that I may be overgeneralizing the concept of Ingvi as the 'Greenman' of Wicca, but their gnosis is different from mine, which is different from someone else's.

Randomness.

This just flashed through my head earlier:

How far off the beaten path must we go to find sanctuary?

I don't think it was an idle thought. I think it was a question posed by the dead. I honestly don't know what the answer would be. Looking at the horror in the world, I question if there is truly a place of sanctuary.

Visions of Fire.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 9 Days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: Drought, fair skies,

humid & hot

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It is hard for me to believe that two weeks ago, roughly, I had seen such things in the smoke of a fire. I watched as the smoke and flames twined and the sparks went up into the night. As I did so, I saw simply fire. It was not the fire that was literally burning before me. I saw great raging fires burning out of control across the land. Fires that turned green pines into blazing torches that burned blue with their heat. It was disturbing, to say the least.

The scene of uncontrollable fire burning through previously calm and sheltered places made me deeply uncomfortable. I watched the scene play over and over again. These fires that I saw started in two places. One was a literal forest fire burning a shocking number of hectares. All life that creeped, crawled, ran, and flew fled in chaos. The bodies of water within this forest fire literally boiled away, leaving the fish and creatures that sought shelter in them grisly death before they too burned to ash.

The other fire that I saw was an image like the renderings of the Great Chicago Fire or the fires that raged after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Urban places that were turning to rubble as massive fires roared through them with the same horrific loss of life that these events had played out before my eyes in my visions. When I tore my eyes away from the vision in the fire, I watched as sparks from the fire landed on dry grass and smoked. And still the vision trance held, and I saw these fires spreading beyond the places where they began.

I told myself that I was misunderstanding what I saw. I told myself that the sight was purely symbolic and I was reading too much into the vision. And then last week happened. And my nightmares of fire have happened. I would be a fool to say that there was mere coincidence that the visions of fire came before these recent events. I would be a fool to say that the fires I saw were manufactured by a vain desire to see something.

Fire can be a beneficial thing. The wild fire in the forest, for all the absolute terror and destruction it causes, also brings new life to the forest. It is what opens up the cones of Redwoods and several other conifers so that they might grow. It replenishes the soil of various nutrients. It can have majorly beneficial consequences in the long term, though the immediate consequences are horrific.

It can also be exceptionally harmful. Fire is fickle. The wise always regard it with caution, even when it seems to be 'domesticated.' The little campfire that you build to illuminate your campsite and toast your marshmallows can quite quickly turn into the forest destroying wild fire if it is not handled carefully. And, sometimes, it happens despite our best efforts to prevent such a thing from happening.

Fires are burning right now. Literal and figurative fires are burning across the world. My intuition tells me that we are witnessing the beginnings of the larger fires that I saw in my vision. I advise everyone be ready to work on helping to keep the neighborhood from burning down and be prepared to set some counter fires. Something unpleasant is coming and it is making the smoke foul. Gods willing, we haven't completely fucked everything up.

(I also now understand why Loki was so utterly insistent about his 'hugs'. As things are falling into place, he's been helping me see that I am not completely mad.)

Ingvi's Words of Wisdom

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 1 Day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Very dry, drought risk high

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting here feeling hideous because of the way I look. Ingvi walked up behind me, set his hands on my shoulders, and just cuddled me for a moment. (It's an odd thing to feel like you're being hugged when no one is physically hugging you. Beloved is literally sitting across the room with his back to me right now as he is reading a book.) Anyways, Freyr said something that really is wise. I do a terrible job of remembering it but he is always kind enough to remind me when I forget. Like I did tonight.

He said: Your soft belly is a wonderful, welcoming place for your sons to run to for a loving embrace. Your grey hair are signs of wisdom and well aged beauty. Your fine wrinkles are laugh lines more than lines of sorrow and they deepen the expressions of joy that you show. Each scar is a tale of glory. A badge of honor won with as much courage as blood on the battlefield. Your life has been hard lived and your body has worn the marks of it with grace. Never doubt you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and does not deserve your beauty.

I feel like I don't deserve to have him say such nice things about me. Amusingly, Loki's response to my saying this was the following said in a dry tone: 'That's a paddlin'.' That moment when kink and humor collide to both make you laugh, cheer you up, motivate you to do better, and make you reconsider the foolish choices ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And, of course, Ingvi just smiles indulgently as I kinda blush and mumble whilst Loki grins.

That last bit actually describes the last few weeks fairly well.

A question and an answer?

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age 9 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was numbly wandering around my apartment between folding piles of laundry. Ingvi watched me for a little bit and then told me to go sit down. I thought about arguing with him and decided I didn't have the energy. As I sat on the couch looking around the cheerfully messy living room (I'm learning to identify the joyful chaos that comes from my children just have a lot of fun versus the untidy madness that comes from my children randomly throwing things around because they're bored. There apparently IS a difference.) I asked him why human beings are so fucking atrocious. 

Freyr looked very ... tired at my question. I think it is because a LOT of people have been asking over the last few days. Which isn't a big surprise, considering what happened over the weekend. He sat down beside me and just wrapped an arm around me. We sat like that for a little bit. He said to me, "I like that your home is joyful. Even when you're depressed, there is still joy here. There is love too, so much potent love. It bleeds from the walls. It is very beautiful." He sounded so.. so tired when he said that.

He then said, "Not everyone is blessed like this. Not everyone knows how to create such joy and love. Not everyone has a home. They just have a place where they throw their things, eat, and sleep. You have made a home here. It insulates you. It protects you as much as you protect it." He closed his eyes with a pained expression and looked like he was on the verge of tears before he kissed me on the right temple. He then said, "Don't lose it. Keep this safe and sacred inside. Inside your heart, where it is secret. No one can take that away from you then."

I desperately wanted to do something to help him. I could see that his heart was breaking. He offered a tumble in bed. It was a pleasant tryst, but he still had that haunted, heart broken look in his eyes. I wish there was some way that I could ease his pain.

Because Love.

Because Someone nudged me and pointed this out.

Letters to Loki No. 38

Dear Loki,

I am tired. Physically, I suppose I am ok. But mentally, I am exhausted. It has been a very long couple of days. Looking around at Facebook and pretty much every other social platform, I am constantly finding things about tragedies. It doesn't do me much good when I'm not at a very healthy mental state to see that kind of stuff. I spent most of my day off of the computer. I wandered around the neighborhood and things felt oppressive.

The weather wasn't bad. It was kinda cloudy and cool, but that is welcome change from the high heat and humidity from last week. No, I don't know why I felt like the deck was stacked against me all day. I suppose it could be my having a bit of a mood hangover, for lack of a better expression, after yesterday's busyness and activity. I really didn't accomplish much today and I am disappointed with myself over that, which probably also contributes to this general sense of depression.

It is the last full week of school for the kids. I've been doing my best to not think about the stress that may come of it. It isn't working out that well for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I'm sure that something will be figured out.

♥

A matter of Wine.

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 6 Days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Sultry, possible rain in late night

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was getting ready to pour out an offering of wine to the gods. As I got the bottle out of where it had been chilling, Ingvi and Loki say (almost in unison) "You should drink that." I wanted to ask why they didn't want it and they just ... smiled at me. I have a feeling that something is up. So, I am sitting here, waiting for my sons to fall asleep, drinking some red wine and trying to figure out what on Earth I am going to type. It has been such a long day. Tomorrow looks like it will prove longer. Maybe I will be lucky and it will not be to terribly humid.

A poem for Freyr

Waxing Strawberry Moon (Age: 3 days)
Sign: Leo

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy skies
~*~*~*~*~*~

Your love is like tender violence

Strip away my armor

Rip apart my walls

Brush away my defenses

Take me in your arms

Keep me as your own

I have been blind

Remove the gauze

Blind me with your light

My hands are bound

I can not fight this

Just as the tide rises

So too does this madness

Drown me in your love

And let me be reborn

Letters to Loki No. 37

Dear Loki,

I am pretty tired after the day I had today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I'm pleased with that and I'm glad that I made some serious headway on resolving some of my creative blocks. All that said, I am not entirely sure what to do about tomorrow. It is going to be another day of running errands around town. I want to try to get some time in for writing but I'm not sure how. I have a pile of housework that needs resolved so that I can get cracking on the few household projects I need done before the kids finish up with school for the year.

I'm a little nervous about how that is going to go. It didn't help matters much when the psych nurse who oversees my meds was voicing her 'concern' about if I am going to be overwhelmed with the kids when they're on break. She is decidedly of the opinion that my problems with depression are all sparked by my response to the stress of the kids being on break. I keep trying to show her that it isn't the case. She, however, has made up her mind as to how things are and pretty much ignores when I say something otherwise. It is very frustrating.

I have finally started work on my sister-in-law's bridal shower gift. It is somewhat funny how I kept finding things that were almost right. I have pretty much given up the idea of using an edging that someone else has designed. I am now in the beginning stages of crocheting an edging that is inspired by the Victorian pattern book I won at the spinning guild's silent auction last year. I started work on it a few hours ago. I have the first row of foundational crochet done along one side and a few inches on a second. I was suspicious that doing five stitches into the corner was going to weaken the fabric. I have discovered, however, it has quite the opposite effect. Cue a significant sense of relief.

I am a bit overwhelmed on how to proceed forward on the project that you've given me. I see a plethora of options before me. It makes things somewhat confusing and hard for me to pick one. A little direction would be greatly appreciated. This way I can figure out at least how to start on it all.

Bushels of Love,
Me

Luck Bringer Lopt!

Waning Crescent Flower Moon (Age: 24 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Partly cloudy, very dry, upper average to
above average temps.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was stalled on making things happen in my life for a while. I had heaps of anxiety and I was generally running in circles going "OH GODS, WHAT DO I DO?!!?!elventyone" Loki nudged me forward. (Read that as he picked me up by the scruff of the neck and tossed me forward.) At his encouragement, I picked up a small pile of hard copies of Book One of the Umbrel Chronicles (a fantasy series that I am writing and blogging about). Again, at his encouragement, I brought them out to spinning guild this month. Now, I had one book that I sold before spinning guild because the gal up the road had seen me working on stuff and was curious.

I honestly thought that it was going to be the only one that I sold. At spinning guild, I gave my elevator pitch and had all of the copies I brought with me sold in less than five minutes. I was in shock and delighted. (Mostly amazed, to be honest. He and Ingvi were both amused with this. As was Beloved who said 'Who'd have thought you would be good at this? You've only been working on it for over twenty years.' Subtlety, it is optional in the sarcasm around this place.)

At Loki's encouragement, today, I stopped in at the bbq place up the street. This is where the gal who bought the first book off the pile works. The minute she saw me, she asked me when she can get book two and informed me that she was about a third of the way through the book and loving it. I was delighted. And then she said that she was going to buy me lunch. I attempted to protest and she laughed and said she was doing it anyways.

And the owner of the business is curious about possibly getting a copy of the book because his employee is so excited about it. I honestly did not anticipate this happening. But, it seems that Loki did and is exhorting me to do more things with this. I'm a little overwhelmed but that happens most of the time with Loki. He's a 'go big or go home' kinda guy.

Did I mention that Loki is very amused with my response to all of this? I wouldn't say he is gloating, but it is something similar. Ingvi is also highly amused. I have a feeling this is the beginning of plans they have for me. Just a suspicion with all of their chuckling and such. The last time they both were like this, life got very interesting in unexpected and pleasant ways.

Wut?

So, I sit here and I'm surrounded by the creative chaos that comes with being a SAHM with a couple of kids in school, with special education needs. I am feeling remarkably zen about it all (usually this is enough to set off a fair amount of anxiety for me). I try to make sense of what is going on and why I feel like this when I feel Him standing by me.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The many, many things popping up on the internet that point back to Ingvi. The almost physical itch to get my hands in the dirt and grow stuff. The dreams of deer, trees, and tilled fields that I keep waking up with them almost before my eyes. The random stuff about bread and beer that flew across my Facebook wall.

Hello, Love, I've missed you. Damn my depression making things so hard. Thank you for being with me through it and being so patient with me as I stumble around trying to figure myself out. And thank you for helping me out of that dark hole.

Spawned by stupid memes on Facebook

random thoughts: there are reptilian species and amphibian species that can change gender as per environmental stressors. Loki can change gender (and apparent species) at will. what kind of reptile does that make him?

Letters to Loki No. 36

Dear Loptr,

Today has been a long day. I feel a bit disorganized but that seems to be how things are going right now. I'm doing my best to roll with it. I am really not good at that, but I am beginning to suspect that is precisely why things are like this. So, I'm working on letting go of expectations. I am tired, but it is a good sort of tired. I may not have a huge pile of things that I have done over the course of today, but what I did accomplish was done well and completely.

I am struggling with the desire to run out and get a whole bunch of plants right now. We're not yet past the danger of frost. I have been feeling the powerful urge to get my hands in the dirt and grow things. It is a little bit maddening. But, I am working on being flexible there as well. I am not entirely enjoying this but I suppose it shall pass. I have been puttering around with my houseplants and I'm not sure if I am doing things right with them.

I suppose it would be something to natter on about with Ingvi, but I feel that you would have some interest in it as well. I have managed, somehow, to keep two very small plantlings alive. One is a miniature rosebush that is scarcely the size of my hand. I am pretty sure that I'll have to replant it soon if it keeps growing like it has been. I replanted it last week when the weather was super warm. Now, I'm not sure, but it looks like it has grown a full half inch in all directions. It sports a bright pink bloom. I think I saw another rose budding out today, but I'm not entirely sure. That bud is really small. The miniature rosebush that Beloved got me for Mother's Day is doing pretty well but I suspect that I am going to have to move it to a larger pot soon as well.

I'm really happy that these plants are doing well. The miniature rosebushes that I had in pots on the back deck last year died due to the winter. I am not sure what I'm going to do with those pots this year. I am waiting, however, for the 'three cold kings of May' to pass. I find myself curious as to why the old farmers around here call the 13th, 14th, and 15th of May that. I wish I could talk to my Grandparents about that and my gardening hopes. I miss them. I want to do something special to honor them but I can't think of what. Dedicating books to them is nice but it doesn't feel quite right.

I am finding my anxiety comes in waves of late. I'll have days like today where I am sort of alright. I still find myself anxious but it isn't utterly paralyzing. And then I'll have days like I had a few days ago where even the thought of going out of the house makes me feel like I should go hide. I don't like it but I have taken the anti-anxiety medication when I am really struggling with it. I find myself feeling grumpy about it, but the medication does seem to help. I guess that is all that matters, right?

Letter to Loki No. 35

Dear Loki,

I am not sure what to write anymore. I sit down at the keyboard and I just get this ball of anxiety knotted up in my stomach. Thus, I scroll through Facebook desperately wishing it would go away. I find myself afraid that my dream of writing as a career has gone away. And then I find myself struggling to organize my thoughts to just put to pen something in my notebooks and journals. I feel stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have found my self confidence has taken a pretty big hit of late. I don't have the slightest idea what has prompted this. I wish that it would go away. I have found my desire to do much of anything rather low. Still, I made myself get out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I am making myself do the stuff that I need to get done. I don't know if this is where I say that I am depressed or if I am just tired.

I do think part of the problem is hormonal. After my menses not happening for two months, it arrived this week. I've been crampy, tired, and moody because of it, I'm sure. I keep trying not to expect ridiculous things out of myself. I last for about ten minutes, and then I find myself thinking of about fifteen to twenty things that I really should be doing right now, which I have zero energy for. This whole business of giving myself permission not to be perfect is really hard and pretty stressful.

Still, I am making the effort and doing what I can with what I have. I keep looking at that magnet you encouraged me to buy. The one that says "Do more of what makes you happy." I find myself at a loss for where to begin. I feel like there is nothing I can do to be happy. It feels as fickle as the weather. But, I don't know if this is my wonky brain chemistry due to hormones talking. It is very frustrating. I suspect that you have a pretty good feel for this kind of frustration.

Letters to Loki No. ???

Dear Loki,

I am entirely at a loss for what I should write at the moment. I've been indirectly watching the train wreck of politics going on all around me on the eve of primary day. Honestly, I am a bit nervous as to how all of this is going to shake out. The status quo is grinding things down into a massive mess. The proponents for change come in some very wild varieties with their own set of individual problems. And I feel like somebody is playing fast and loose with things because instead of a full day open for voting, it is from noon until nine pm. It stinks like something isn't right and I am pretty much powerless to do anything about it.

I want to see change. The way things are going right now isn't sustainable and it looks like bigger problems are awaiting on the horizon, regardless of how we end this election year. I try not to be anxious over stuff like this. You know that I have a laundry list of stuff that I get anxious over already, taking the political mess out of the picture. I am trying to take a pragmatic approach towards everything but I have a rather powerful sense of foreboding right now. I'm not sure if it is because of my apprehension about the political shenanigans in my country or of it is because of the mounting pile of evidence that humanity has really fucked over the planet.

I don't know how to make the changes that are going to be good for myself and my family happen. We're doing ok right now. I have relatively few complaints. But, as I look forward, I can't help but be concerned that if life goes sideways, we're going to have a tough row to hoe. And, honestly, I worry about how to handle my mental health problems. I feel like I'm not doing as well as I should be. I just can't identify what I can change to get myself to a place of greater health and wellness, though. It is probably going to take a great deal of thought and such. Breakthroughs almost always are like that.

I am frustrated with things. I guess that is the biggest challenge right now. I know that you have a talent for turning frustration into useful effort. I am working on emulating this. I think it is probably better for me to put that energy to work rather than self immolating via stress.

Letters to Loki no. 33

Dear Loki,

My head feels like it is thick with mud, but I know that is just because I'm so congested from Cuddle Bear's cold, which he so generously shared with me. I don't know what to write at the moment. My physical symptoms aside, I still don't feel well. I have more energy and stuff, but I still feel depressed. I still find myself having self destructive thoughts. 

I talked to my therapist about things. She got stuck on the concept of telling me that I have to ground myself in the present and 'tell all the cells in your body that it is in the past.' (I mentioned that I've been having problems with my c-PTSD and I guess she latched on to that.) I was... frustrated. The antipsychotic medication I'm on, apparently, is used as a mood stabilizer for people with bipolar. If that is the case, it really isn't working out that well. I'm trying to give the new medication time to work. I'm trying to give everything the chance to work out on its own. But, honestly, I'm worried that it won't.

A part of me wants to just run up the proverbial white flag and say 'fuck it, I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life. might as well deal.' And then there is the rest of me that is soul deep angry. I can't fully put into words what I'm angry with. I'm angry that my care isn't what I think it should be. I'm angry with the fact that I have to go do this stupid shit to begin with. I'm angry with how I wound up in this position. And I am so utterly angry with the fact that my anxiety has gotten in the way of resolving much of the problem.

Most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. I'm tired of the memory problems. I am struggling between the feeling that I want my life back and the resignation that this is the new normal. I hate feeling like this.

~ me

Conversation

Waxing Gibbous Worm Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Seasonable, cloudy skies

Snow pack: 0 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lopt: You're exhausted but you're still trying to force yourself to do more. You shouldn't do that. You know that, right?

me: I'm sick of not having the energy to do stuff. I'm a writer. I should be writing. Not staring at a wall trying to think up a simple sentence for hours on end.

Lopt: Patience never really has been your strong suit, has it?

me: Not really.

Lopt: Pushing yourself past your limitations is a good thing, except for when it's not. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Burning the candle at both ends does no one any favors and hurts you in the end.

me: But I have to do it or stuff doesn't get done. 

Lopt: Then things will not get done as quickly as you'd like. Patience is necessary. Especially when you're healing.

me: I'm not going to be fully healthy ever again. It's just not going to happen. I might as well accept it and press forward.

Lopt: Now you're not telling the truth.

me: What other way is there to look at it? I'm disabled. My brain is broken, chemically speaking. Drugs will only last so long before they fail and I have to start something new.

Lopt: What would you prefer?

me: To have my life back. To be able to keep my composure when I'm stressed out or anxious rather than shaking like a leaf and bursting into tears. To be able to function rather than freak out over mundane shit like paying bills or get so anxious that I am nearly sick over stupid shit like weather or not my friends truly like me.

Lopt: Those problems were always there under the surface. Stuffing them down and shoving them aside lent you the appearance of composure but underneath, it was chaos. It always has been chaos. Now, at least, you can get the pain treated. You can learn to cope with the chaos rather than cutting your heart out to spite your past. Divorcing yourself from your emotions is not a solution. Forcing yourself to move on a broken limb breaks it even more and exacerbates the problem, leading to things such as blood poisoning. Think, what would you be doing to yourself with this? You're slowly killing yourself with this. With each time you push away your heart and try to quiet your mind by stuffing memories into a 'box'.

I will not stand idly by and watch it. There is no need for you to live as though under siege anymore. Now stop. Rest and recover.

God of trolling.

Waxing Crescent Ice Moon (Age: 3 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Arctic cold, partly cloudy

Snow pack: > 1 in

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I was attempting to write some erotica earlier. As I got to the part of the scene where things are getting very intense, I was trolled by Loki. I had Spotify set on random shuffle through all of the albums and music that I had on my playlists. (This is over 1k songs.) I had these very cinematic soundtrack pieces I was listening to as I was writing. And then I hit this point in the scene and Crazy Frog's Axel F started playing. Stuff like this is why I insist he is the god of the internet and trolling. Hail Flame Hair.