Dear Loki,
I was feeling like things were beyond my control for a little while now. And then my paternal grandmother died early Monday morning. Now I feel like I'm just holding on for dear life as the rollercoaster is plunging into the abyss. Routine is basically what has gotten me through the last few days. I can't really do much of anything to be of help with getting things settled over at the farm. I can't do much to comfort folks. There is a whole lot of 'I can't do anything to help.' going on right now and it is a somewhat upsetting position to be in.
I know some of this is colored by the fact that I slept really poorly last night and I somewhat anticipate more of the same tonight. I am a little bit in a state of shock right now. I think it is taking the edge off of the grief. I am pretty sure that the calling hours at the funeral home are going to be rough on me. I know that the memorial service is going to be. I don't know if I'm going to be going through this with a stoic reserve like I did with my paternal grandfather's death a few years ago or if I'm going to be openly weeping this time. I am unsure about what I'm going to do if I get caught up in that.
Emotional extremes don't feel safe to me. Stoicism was something I adopted because of how intense emotional experiences resulted in negative consequences when I was younger. I know that I need to get used to this. I know that the stoic response to everything isn't healthy for me. At the same time, I am very apprehensive about this because the people who taught me that powerful emotion isn't 'appropriate' are the ones I am going to be around.
I keep trying to will myself to 'get over' all the anxiety and what not. It isn't working out that well. I honestly don't know how this week is going to turn out. I'm just not sure of what to do in this whole mess. Keeping my head down and doing the daily routine is going to work for only so long until all of this catches up with me. I will some how get through this. Hopefully it will not turn into an utter disaster.
6/23/15
Letters to Loki # 26 STFU Anxiety.
Hi Loki,
I have been having a hard time writing for you gods. It is not that I don't want to. I am just hitting a mental block on it all. I think the reason why has been my increased anxiety over the last little while. I thought that the incident a few weeks ago was something that I was pretty much over and I was fine. I have to admit, however, that I really am not.
Having somebody trespass into the apartment when I was sleeping was damn terrifying. With the locks being changed, I feel much safer. But I'm still a bit jumpy. I am glad that I woke up when I did. I'm glad that the intruder only poked around some papers sitting on the table and moved a few dishes on the counter as they talked to someone about me. I'm glad that they left with out taking anything or doing me any harm. These are things that I am thankful for. The fact that I managed to provide a decent imitation of someone deeply asleep despite the fact that I was awake and listening to them is another thing that I'm thankful for.
At the same time, having the back door open for a breeze at night when I'm attempting to sleep makes me uncomfortable (even though Beloved is sitting in the living room reading or doing whatever on his tablet). I know that this jumpiness will pass eventually. I just am still kinda unnerved by it. And then there is the business of the kids finishing school for the summer and my cousin's graduation. For some reason, I am really worrying about what I'm going to do with the boys while they're on break. I can't seem to stop. And you know how rough things are for me when it comes to dealing with my side of the family.
All this worry just overflows when I sit down to write and I wind up writing about that. I guess my therapist would say this is a good thing because it is helping me to process stuff. But it doesn't exactly help me write stuff for you guys. I want to write happy things. I want to write stuff that isn't so absorbed with my psych issues. But for the last few weeks, I've just been stuck on that topic. Mindless activity helps a little bit, but writing has never been mindless activity for me.
I am doing better about my issues eating. I've been eating three meals a day (making a point to eat the whole meal) even though I feel really repulsed by it. I am making a point of not weighing myself every day so that I don't start hyperfocusing on the number on the scale and start doing stupid things because of it. I checked my weight, though, a few days ago and it is maintaining the number I was at about a month ago. So, I'm not losing weight stupidly fast again. It is hard for me to cope with feeling out of control. I am, though, trying to do that and focusing on what I can do rather than what is happening that I can't manage.
My knee is healing up well. I've hit the point where it itches like crazy now rather than just hurting all the time. I am really glad that I didn't break anything when I fell down the stairs. Hearing that my grandmother broke her hip after a fall just served to reinforce the idea that I was lucky I didn't break a kneecap landing on my knees. I am also really thankful that Cuddle Bear didn't get more severely injured when he fell on his field trip yesterday.
I don't know if that was you or somebody else's work. But I am really, really thankful that he didn't get a concussion and all he has are minor scrapes. It's funny in a perverse fashion, because he has a scrape on his knee in just about the same spot that I do. It's been something that he has been commenting on. I think it makes the whole business less scary for him. Whatever helps make the matter less of a source of anxiety for him is something I'm going to be thankful for. I've been trying to get him to understand that he has to bend his knee so that the skin heals properly, but he's been resisting that (except for when he gets caught up in what he is doing and forgets to not walk normally). I'm thinking the trick to all of this might be keeping him too busy to mess with his bandages or do stuff like drag his leg when he walks.
I had a chuckle this morning when he decided that he needed to use my cane this morning. I treated it as he was being silly and the topic was dropped. If I'm lucky, he will have forgotten about this idea tomorrow and be more interested in going to school and playing with his friends. Also, if I'm lucky, my knees won't be giving me trouble tomorrow and I won't need my cane.
That's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I can't think of much else to write. I hope that the solstice was pleasant for you and Sigyn. It was just another busy Sunday at my house. If we get a lasting break in rainy weather, I'll make a point to get those daylilies that you told me she likes. They've just started blooming, so I think I can find a few nice ones for her. I'll catch up with you again soon.
I have been having a hard time writing for you gods. It is not that I don't want to. I am just hitting a mental block on it all. I think the reason why has been my increased anxiety over the last little while. I thought that the incident a few weeks ago was something that I was pretty much over and I was fine. I have to admit, however, that I really am not.
Having somebody trespass into the apartment when I was sleeping was damn terrifying. With the locks being changed, I feel much safer. But I'm still a bit jumpy. I am glad that I woke up when I did. I'm glad that the intruder only poked around some papers sitting on the table and moved a few dishes on the counter as they talked to someone about me. I'm glad that they left with out taking anything or doing me any harm. These are things that I am thankful for. The fact that I managed to provide a decent imitation of someone deeply asleep despite the fact that I was awake and listening to them is another thing that I'm thankful for.
At the same time, having the back door open for a breeze at night when I'm attempting to sleep makes me uncomfortable (even though Beloved is sitting in the living room reading or doing whatever on his tablet). I know that this jumpiness will pass eventually. I just am still kinda unnerved by it. And then there is the business of the kids finishing school for the summer and my cousin's graduation. For some reason, I am really worrying about what I'm going to do with the boys while they're on break. I can't seem to stop. And you know how rough things are for me when it comes to dealing with my side of the family.
All this worry just overflows when I sit down to write and I wind up writing about that. I guess my therapist would say this is a good thing because it is helping me to process stuff. But it doesn't exactly help me write stuff for you guys. I want to write happy things. I want to write stuff that isn't so absorbed with my psych issues. But for the last few weeks, I've just been stuck on that topic. Mindless activity helps a little bit, but writing has never been mindless activity for me.
I am doing better about my issues eating. I've been eating three meals a day (making a point to eat the whole meal) even though I feel really repulsed by it. I am making a point of not weighing myself every day so that I don't start hyperfocusing on the number on the scale and start doing stupid things because of it. I checked my weight, though, a few days ago and it is maintaining the number I was at about a month ago. So, I'm not losing weight stupidly fast again. It is hard for me to cope with feeling out of control. I am, though, trying to do that and focusing on what I can do rather than what is happening that I can't manage.
My knee is healing up well. I've hit the point where it itches like crazy now rather than just hurting all the time. I am really glad that I didn't break anything when I fell down the stairs. Hearing that my grandmother broke her hip after a fall just served to reinforce the idea that I was lucky I didn't break a kneecap landing on my knees. I am also really thankful that Cuddle Bear didn't get more severely injured when he fell on his field trip yesterday.
I don't know if that was you or somebody else's work. But I am really, really thankful that he didn't get a concussion and all he has are minor scrapes. It's funny in a perverse fashion, because he has a scrape on his knee in just about the same spot that I do. It's been something that he has been commenting on. I think it makes the whole business less scary for him. Whatever helps make the matter less of a source of anxiety for him is something I'm going to be thankful for. I've been trying to get him to understand that he has to bend his knee so that the skin heals properly, but he's been resisting that (except for when he gets caught up in what he is doing and forgets to not walk normally). I'm thinking the trick to all of this might be keeping him too busy to mess with his bandages or do stuff like drag his leg when he walks.
I had a chuckle this morning when he decided that he needed to use my cane this morning. I treated it as he was being silly and the topic was dropped. If I'm lucky, he will have forgotten about this idea tomorrow and be more interested in going to school and playing with his friends. Also, if I'm lucky, my knees won't be giving me trouble tomorrow and I won't need my cane.
That's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I can't think of much else to write. I hope that the solstice was pleasant for you and Sigyn. It was just another busy Sunday at my house. If we get a lasting break in rainy weather, I'll make a point to get those daylilies that you told me she likes. They've just started blooming, so I think I can find a few nice ones for her. I'll catch up with you again soon.
6/21/15
Palmyra, Daesh, and Disappointment.
Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 5 days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Partly cloudy, humid, warm
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In case you haven't read it in the news, Daesh (the group known as ISIS or ISIL, though I refuse to call it anything other then Daesh) has laid mines around the ancient ruins of the city of Palmyra. It has been described as holding this world heritage site hostage. A description that, honestly, I agree with. I fear that the Syrian government will not be successful in recapturing the city of Palmyra and that Daesh will destroy this important site. I try not to think about those fears because brooding upon them feeds them more energy and may help this terrible possibility manifest. I confess, however, I am fearful of what Daesh will do.
I have read of what evil people have used magically to bolster themselves and I have no illusions that Daesh is employing some form of magic towards their ends. Seeing what they have done over the last year, I am deeply troubled by what they are engaged in. Daesh is reshaping the landscape of the Middle East in blood to something that only in mouthed words resembles Islam. They are persecuting, torturing, and murdering people who come across their path who do not ascribe to their vision. They are destroying ancient sites that are vital to the history of the region (and the world) because of their objection to the ancient faiths that were practiced there but they are selling off artifacts to fund their campaign of terror. I look at Daesh and I am horrified by what they are, what they have wrought, and what their apparent vision of the future is.
I look at this extremism and I fear for the people that live under that rule and those who are caught within its grasp. When I look to the United States and I see the growing attitudes of Christian extremism, I feel deep disgust and disappointment. When I see the systemic racism in my homeland being justified as 'biblicaly sound' attitudes, my disappointment deepens. Do I believe the extremists in the US are going to be as violent as Daesh? I don't think that will be an immediate thing but if they gain traction, they will become so.
I pray for these people to be halted in their efforts to oppress others. I pray that their views will not gain adherents. I pray for justice to be done for all whom these people have harmed. But, sometimes, I feel that my prayers are not enough. When the shooting in Charleston happened, I was not surprised to learn of the gunman's philosophical leanings. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who bomb Planned Parenthood and similar 'abortion' clinics. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who think murdering gay and transgender people is a proper thing to do. When these evils are enacted, I feel powerless to do anything about them.
I will confess, I have something of a soft heart. When I read of these tragedies, I grieve for all who are afflicted by them. I despair for the future. And then I pray for justice and healing. I have been feeling of late that my prayers are not enough in the face of this evil. Odin has been strongly encouraging me to apply magic to the problems. Indeed, one of the ways he has been encouraging me to apply magical effort is by way of curses. I was feeling rather squicked by the concept of throwing curses around up until recently.
Perhaps my discomfort with curses came from the 'lightworker' heritage that I bear in my training. Or perhaps it comes from my fears that engaging in such things will bring disaster upon my house (as I had been told in the past by someone that I then respected). I realized, however, as I read of the Charleston massacre, the murder of several young trans-people, and Daesh's latest actions in Palmyra, that my discomfort is something of an attempt to avoid stepping up to oppose what feels like an overwhelming opposition. This is something that is unacceptable.
So, over the next month, I will be working on spells to hinder and neutralize these evil people. My discomfort must not stop me from acting because it is wrong for me not to do something when I have the capacity to lend even a small bit of effort towards stopping this evil. As I work up these spells, I will post the 'recipes' on here. It is my hope that some of my readers who are comfortable (morally) with taking these actions will join me in doing so. I will be continuing my prayers for justice to be had for the victims and for their healing.
I may be but one person, but I can pray and cast spells with the best of 'em. Aside from this, I can continue to take a stance in my dealings with others that opposes these evils when they come to light.
6/11/15
The Importance of Mythopoetic History
The subject is mentioned in many of the public sites that discuss
Filianism but it is not really discussed. Perhaps because many feel
that it is simply enough to say that it matters and it is more 'real'
when compared to literal history. I, however, believe it is important
to take a moment to explore what mythopoetic history is and why it is
important. Because mythopoetic history is very important and has a
powerful influence on how entire cultures view themselves.
Literal history is just that. The history that can be proven factually with evidence. It is what most archeologists and historians study. While some argue that literal history is the only form of history, there are also those who deny that historical events happened. (I'm looking right at you, holocaust deniers.) While it is tempting to say that literal history is the only history of the world and humanity, it fails to take in the more subtle aspects that can be only inferred from historical artifacts.
Mythopoetic history is the story we tell ourselves about our origins. Each culture (and subculture) has a different mythopoetic history. Mythopoetic history is fluid and exists in a mutual relationship of influence upon the culture it operates upon/within. The tales of the ancient Greeks, including the great myths of the gods, the great stories of heroes (The Odyssey is perhaps the most well known of them.) and the folklore of the people, make up their mythopoetic history. It tells them where they came from, how the world works, what it means to be a person, what it means to be respectable, and what is to be unforgivable behavior in their society. Mythopoetic history is influenced by cultural shifts.
As such, when you look at the changes to these myths with the passage of time, it becomes apparent what values changed and about when it happened. It is also possible to gague the influence of social stressors, such as economic problems and war, through the evolution of the mythopoetic language of a society. Modern Greece's mythopoetic history is very different from ancient Greece. It is heavily influenced by literal history because of the high value that is placed upon such things in their society now. Elements of the ancient mythopoetic history will remain in that culture's 'story' but they will be reinterpreted and reenvisioned to fit the modern societal conditions.
It is possible for mythopoetic history to be changed in a fairly short period of time. If one consideres the social engineering and manipulation of what became the Nazi Party in the era of the Weimar Republic, the sweeping changes to how the German people viewed themselves was enormous. It built upon several core elements that make up mythopoetic history and then presented them in an attractive fashion, at an aggressive pace. The success of their social engineering is partly due to the fact that the German people at the time were desperately looking for better ways to define themselves and remove the onus of shame that they felt because of their conditions. Another reason why it was so successful was because it acquired patronage from individuals highly placed within the society.
Shifts in mythopoetic history must be grounded in a sense of where the culture comes from, who and what they standfor, and why they have the troubles they do. It must answer the basic questions of existence that go beyond 'where did humans come from?' and 'how did the universe come into being?'. It addresses the questions of what our relationship with the universe should be, what our cultural origins are, and addresses the attributes of a 'good' citizen. When these shifts are well placed and timed correctly, they seem to the person within the structure of the mythopoetic history to be a seamless transition.
Studying mythopoetic history is an important thing. Observing how it is shaped and how it evolves makes it possible for one to have a clear picture of the state of the given society, its values, and its norms. Just as mythopoetic history can be changed through skillful manipulation, it can be retained as well. Some elements of mythopoetic history will persist as folklore simply because one can not erase anything completely from memory. Other elements can be adapted to the evolving culture and retain much of their original concept, with new ones applied to it as well.
One may wonder why mythopoetic history is so important. It is important from an anthropological and sociological position because it depicts the things about the culture that it valued about itself and the world. It is also important from a layman's perspective because it is what is at the heart of political movements and change. If one has a clear understanding of what previous mythopoetic history said about their culture, it becomes possible to affect change in the present mythopoetic history. A fine example of this is how the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s forced a change in how the cultural story of the black community was placed in society. The transition away from that earlier view is still in process, but there is enough of a change that governmental shifts have been made.
Literal history is just that. The history that can be proven factually with evidence. It is what most archeologists and historians study. While some argue that literal history is the only form of history, there are also those who deny that historical events happened. (I'm looking right at you, holocaust deniers.) While it is tempting to say that literal history is the only history of the world and humanity, it fails to take in the more subtle aspects that can be only inferred from historical artifacts.
Mythopoetic history is the story we tell ourselves about our origins. Each culture (and subculture) has a different mythopoetic history. Mythopoetic history is fluid and exists in a mutual relationship of influence upon the culture it operates upon/within. The tales of the ancient Greeks, including the great myths of the gods, the great stories of heroes (The Odyssey is perhaps the most well known of them.) and the folklore of the people, make up their mythopoetic history. It tells them where they came from, how the world works, what it means to be a person, what it means to be respectable, and what is to be unforgivable behavior in their society. Mythopoetic history is influenced by cultural shifts.
As such, when you look at the changes to these myths with the passage of time, it becomes apparent what values changed and about when it happened. It is also possible to gague the influence of social stressors, such as economic problems and war, through the evolution of the mythopoetic language of a society. Modern Greece's mythopoetic history is very different from ancient Greece. It is heavily influenced by literal history because of the high value that is placed upon such things in their society now. Elements of the ancient mythopoetic history will remain in that culture's 'story' but they will be reinterpreted and reenvisioned to fit the modern societal conditions.
It is possible for mythopoetic history to be changed in a fairly short period of time. If one consideres the social engineering and manipulation of what became the Nazi Party in the era of the Weimar Republic, the sweeping changes to how the German people viewed themselves was enormous. It built upon several core elements that make up mythopoetic history and then presented them in an attractive fashion, at an aggressive pace. The success of their social engineering is partly due to the fact that the German people at the time were desperately looking for better ways to define themselves and remove the onus of shame that they felt because of their conditions. Another reason why it was so successful was because it acquired patronage from individuals highly placed within the society.
Shifts in mythopoetic history must be grounded in a sense of where the culture comes from, who and what they standfor, and why they have the troubles they do. It must answer the basic questions of existence that go beyond 'where did humans come from?' and 'how did the universe come into being?'. It addresses the questions of what our relationship with the universe should be, what our cultural origins are, and addresses the attributes of a 'good' citizen. When these shifts are well placed and timed correctly, they seem to the person within the structure of the mythopoetic history to be a seamless transition.
Studying mythopoetic history is an important thing. Observing how it is shaped and how it evolves makes it possible for one to have a clear picture of the state of the given society, its values, and its norms. Just as mythopoetic history can be changed through skillful manipulation, it can be retained as well. Some elements of mythopoetic history will persist as folklore simply because one can not erase anything completely from memory. Other elements can be adapted to the evolving culture and retain much of their original concept, with new ones applied to it as well.
One may wonder why mythopoetic history is so important. It is important from an anthropological and sociological position because it depicts the things about the culture that it valued about itself and the world. It is also important from a layman's perspective because it is what is at the heart of political movements and change. If one has a clear understanding of what previous mythopoetic history said about their culture, it becomes possible to affect change in the present mythopoetic history. A fine example of this is how the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s forced a change in how the cultural story of the black community was placed in society. The transition away from that earlier view is still in process, but there is enough of a change that governmental shifts have been made.
6/8/15
Letters to Loki # 25
Hi there Loki,
I'm not sure what to write this week. I'm still struggling with my food issues. It's been hard to make myself eat when I don't feel like I should be. I, however, have been listening to Freyr when he nudges me to get something in me and eating what he suggests. I feel ashamed that I'm having problems with this again. I honestly thought that it was all done and over with. But, I guess, it is a fool who thinks they've conquered everything.
I'm almost finished spinning this latest bit of silk. After this, I'm going to take a break from it. I'm glad that I've got a distaff because the way the weather has been, I'm pretty sure my hands would sweat handling wool. I thought it would be good to make something pretty with it but I honestly have no idea. I picked up a book on Tunisian crochet. It's given me some good ideas for Yule gifts. I also think I'm going to run with your suggestion of beaded stitch markers for my MiL. I don't think, however, skulls are quite her style. I will, though, make that set and probably keep 'em for me.
Your idea for how to fix that bracelet was genius. I can actually wear it now. I was afraid that I'd have to take it apart but you gave me just the right tips for how to fix it. I don't know if it is going to replace my grounding bracelet. I think that it will become a regular favorite, though. That fix seems sturdy enough to stand up to the daily tasks of running the household. It does not, however, make a good wrist distaff.
I am looking at my various writing projects and feeling at something of a loss for where to begin. I appreciate that you and the other two are all telling me to start with what feels right. It's just hard for me to figure out just what that is. My regular blogging efforts are helping to some extent to keep me mentally sharp. I think that writing in my therapy journal is helping me deal with some pretty awful memories. But, I am at a loss for which book to work on. You three told me I need to write three books this summer. It would be kinda nice for at least one of you point me at what I should be working on.
I've been going for walks with Freyr. I think I'm starting to get past the stammer like an idiot thing. I still find myself awestruck by Freya. I know you tell me that I will get used to her. I honestly question that. I am getting the impression, however, that they are a packaged deal. That kind of intimidates me. But, you say it's good for me to take on things that intimidate me. So, I'm forging forward. But I feel like a blithering idiot right now. At least, when I'm dealing with both of them at the same time. They kind of amplify each other or something. That is not easy to get used to. Gerda pretty much laughs and tells me that I'm adorable.
Why is it that every jotun I encounter tells me that I'm adorable? EVERY SINGLE ONE! It's driving me batty. And I know that you're probably rolling on the floor with laughter over this as I speak.
I'll be giving you and Odin that whiskey. I had hoped to share it with you but my medications are telling me NOPE. I am not, by the way, going to light it on fire. As cool as that might look, I don't think it would be practical or safe. The back deck being made out of WOOD and all that. Somedays, I seriously think I should start calling you Trogdor. Then I realize it would turn into something completely off the wall wacky. So I don't. But I'm letting you know, I regularly think about it.
I'm not sure what to write this week. I'm still struggling with my food issues. It's been hard to make myself eat when I don't feel like I should be. I, however, have been listening to Freyr when he nudges me to get something in me and eating what he suggests. I feel ashamed that I'm having problems with this again. I honestly thought that it was all done and over with. But, I guess, it is a fool who thinks they've conquered everything.
I'm almost finished spinning this latest bit of silk. After this, I'm going to take a break from it. I'm glad that I've got a distaff because the way the weather has been, I'm pretty sure my hands would sweat handling wool. I thought it would be good to make something pretty with it but I honestly have no idea. I picked up a book on Tunisian crochet. It's given me some good ideas for Yule gifts. I also think I'm going to run with your suggestion of beaded stitch markers for my MiL. I don't think, however, skulls are quite her style. I will, though, make that set and probably keep 'em for me.
Your idea for how to fix that bracelet was genius. I can actually wear it now. I was afraid that I'd have to take it apart but you gave me just the right tips for how to fix it. I don't know if it is going to replace my grounding bracelet. I think that it will become a regular favorite, though. That fix seems sturdy enough to stand up to the daily tasks of running the household. It does not, however, make a good wrist distaff.
I am looking at my various writing projects and feeling at something of a loss for where to begin. I appreciate that you and the other two are all telling me to start with what feels right. It's just hard for me to figure out just what that is. My regular blogging efforts are helping to some extent to keep me mentally sharp. I think that writing in my therapy journal is helping me deal with some pretty awful memories. But, I am at a loss for which book to work on. You three told me I need to write three books this summer. It would be kinda nice for at least one of you point me at what I should be working on.
I've been going for walks with Freyr. I think I'm starting to get past the stammer like an idiot thing. I still find myself awestruck by Freya. I know you tell me that I will get used to her. I honestly question that. I am getting the impression, however, that they are a packaged deal. That kind of intimidates me. But, you say it's good for me to take on things that intimidate me. So, I'm forging forward. But I feel like a blithering idiot right now. At least, when I'm dealing with both of them at the same time. They kind of amplify each other or something. That is not easy to get used to. Gerda pretty much laughs and tells me that I'm adorable.
Why is it that every jotun I encounter tells me that I'm adorable? EVERY SINGLE ONE! It's driving me batty. And I know that you're probably rolling on the floor with laughter over this as I speak.
I'll be giving you and Odin that whiskey. I had hoped to share it with you but my medications are telling me NOPE. I am not, by the way, going to light it on fire. As cool as that might look, I don't think it would be practical or safe. The back deck being made out of WOOD and all that. Somedays, I seriously think I should start calling you Trogdor. Then I realize it would turn into something completely off the wall wacky. So I don't. But I'm letting you know, I regularly think about it.
6/2/15
Letters to Loki #24 - LOLWUT?
Hey there Sly Fox,
It seems like there has been more trolling going on over the interwebz over the last week then usual. Some of it has been insanely funny. Some of it has been genuinely disturbing. The only thing that has been consistent is that satire has been getting treated like legitimate news in several cases. I'm not sure what to make of this trend. I'm hoping that it is just a temporary uptick in these occurrences. I would be really disappointed and disgusted with my fellow humans if they became even more gullible.
Looking at how the political pundits are setting up for the coming elections, two things really stand out. All the Republican prospective candidates are nuts. And the Democrat ones seem to be hiding in holes right now. The third party folks are somewhere in between. These Republican folks are starting to really disturb me. The 'conservative Christians' are very loud and active in that group. They're pushing some really awful things in the states where they've got a substantial foothold. Looking at it all, I'm really concerned that they're going to do irreparable damage to the nation.
I'm still adjusting to that new medication. I thought it would have had all my sleep issues resolved by now but it's still a bit of a pain in the ass. Today was the first day in about two weeks that I wasn't completely exhausted when I woke up in the morning. I don't know if this means I have finally adjusted to this stuff or not. I'm working on getting back into doing more therapy journaling. Stupid anxiety has been making me worry that writing about what happened to me is going to make bad things happen. I really hate that and the self censorship that goes with it. Trying to just push through it is just making it more difficult. I'm not sure how to approach it.
I put in for a reduced rate at the mental health clinic. Their rates just went up. It was pretty depressing to fill out the form and see in black and white just how tight finances are. A part of me says I shouldn't get super anxious over it. Another part of me is just this side of panic and wondering if I should start selling stuff on ebay or something. I keep thinking about the etsy site that I still have and wondering if I should post things up on there again. I then feel like the chair gets kicked out from under me when I recall that I have no idea what to do to promote it. And I look at Keen and think, "Hey, maybe I can do this." Then my social phobia pokes its head up and goes "Nope."
On a completely unrelated note, I get that you like this song and that you feel it is a real mood elevator. That said, the next time I turn on the radio, can it not start playing Uptown Funk? Every time I turned it on today, it was playing that damn song. I know you like it but, dude, pick something else, please. Also, I don't think the big hair works that well for you. Or at least, the orange-red hair with the lime green suit didn't work so well. I know you like loud combinations. That one definitely qualified. It makes me a little worried what you're going to come up with next. It also makes me suspicious that you have taken up the role of fashion consultant for my husband. His loud combinations are starting to reach your level. It'd be impressive if it wasn't so painful on my eyes.
It seems like there has been more trolling going on over the interwebz over the last week then usual. Some of it has been insanely funny. Some of it has been genuinely disturbing. The only thing that has been consistent is that satire has been getting treated like legitimate news in several cases. I'm not sure what to make of this trend. I'm hoping that it is just a temporary uptick in these occurrences. I would be really disappointed and disgusted with my fellow humans if they became even more gullible.
Looking at how the political pundits are setting up for the coming elections, two things really stand out. All the Republican prospective candidates are nuts. And the Democrat ones seem to be hiding in holes right now. The third party folks are somewhere in between. These Republican folks are starting to really disturb me. The 'conservative Christians' are very loud and active in that group. They're pushing some really awful things in the states where they've got a substantial foothold. Looking at it all, I'm really concerned that they're going to do irreparable damage to the nation.
I'm still adjusting to that new medication. I thought it would have had all my sleep issues resolved by now but it's still a bit of a pain in the ass. Today was the first day in about two weeks that I wasn't completely exhausted when I woke up in the morning. I don't know if this means I have finally adjusted to this stuff or not. I'm working on getting back into doing more therapy journaling. Stupid anxiety has been making me worry that writing about what happened to me is going to make bad things happen. I really hate that and the self censorship that goes with it. Trying to just push through it is just making it more difficult. I'm not sure how to approach it.
I put in for a reduced rate at the mental health clinic. Their rates just went up. It was pretty depressing to fill out the form and see in black and white just how tight finances are. A part of me says I shouldn't get super anxious over it. Another part of me is just this side of panic and wondering if I should start selling stuff on ebay or something. I keep thinking about the etsy site that I still have and wondering if I should post things up on there again. I then feel like the chair gets kicked out from under me when I recall that I have no idea what to do to promote it. And I look at Keen and think, "Hey, maybe I can do this." Then my social phobia pokes its head up and goes "Nope."
On a completely unrelated note, I get that you like this song and that you feel it is a real mood elevator. That said, the next time I turn on the radio, can it not start playing Uptown Funk? Every time I turned it on today, it was playing that damn song. I know you like it but, dude, pick something else, please. Also, I don't think the big hair works that well for you. Or at least, the orange-red hair with the lime green suit didn't work so well. I know you like loud combinations. That one definitely qualified. It makes me a little worried what you're going to come up with next. It also makes me suspicious that you have taken up the role of fashion consultant for my husband. His loud combinations are starting to reach your level. It'd be impressive if it wasn't so painful on my eyes.
5/25/15
Letters to Loki # 23 - Rambling and ranting.
Dear Loki,
Today has been a rather long day. I was reaching a point of intense frustration when Beloved gave the wonderful suggestion of going out and picking up take-out for dinner. Having eaten a good portion of shrimp in garlic sauce and lo mein, I feel a bit less on the verge of either screaming or throwing stuff. I guess part of my problem was low blood sugar. I thought I had gotten past the whole 'forgetting to eat' thing. Looks like I was wrong.
The sky outside right now is really impressive. It is raining but the sun is setting. It is at such an angle where the whole western sky is lit up with shades of orange. I'm sure if I stepped out and looked east, I'd see a rainbow right now. It is, however, wet and windy out there. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I will admire it all from right here in the living room.
I keep getting things tangled up on how to approach my creative efforts. Freyr is wisely telling me not to take an 'all or nothing' approach. It's been tempting to just say that since I can't do much now that I should just give up on the whole mess. I am, however, listening to his better judgment and putting such decisions aside. It is, honestly, awkward for me to listen to Freyr's advice. He's been suggesting over the last several days that perhaps I have been operating a little too much under the influence of my past trauma.
At his encouragement, I picked up my therapy journal and I have been writing in it again. It is really uncomfortable. I guess the best way to describe it is that writing in there is the mental equivalent to having that wound drain pulled out of my side. And, like when I had that damn thing taken out, I recognize this is necessary and something that is only going to help my long term welfare. I get angry with the fact that I have to do all these things (therapy, journaling, medications, etc.) to manage some degree of mental stability. I look around at how other people are going on with their lives and I feel intense envy for how 'easy' it seems to be.
Then I mentally smack myself and remind myself that I'm comparing things that have no relation to each other. Freyr's been suggesting that I consider talking to my therapist about finding some sort of PTSD support group. I have been hemming and hawing over it. I don't feel like there's much for someone like me in my area. I have had a hard time looking around and finding support stuff for us when it comes to the kids autism. I'm afraid to go looking for myself.
Fear has been a big problem for a little while now. Some of it is because I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping since late last August. I'm now on 8 different medications. If the three I'm taking to sleep at night don't resolve the problem or at least mitigate it, then my psych provider is talking about putting me on Ambien. I've read a little bit about Ambien. It makes me a bit nervous.
I have been feeling really upset about the fact that I take all these medications. I know that mental illness is as legitimate of a health condition as diabetes. I still can't shake the feeling, however, that I have some how failed because I'm taking medication to manage my symptoms. Every time I go to take my medicine, I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. My therapist says this will pass as I get the bad programming from my youth out of my head. Apparently conditioning is harder to put aside then sticking to a diet is.
Speaking of diets, I have come to the conclusion that baked tofu is probably one of the worst things I have tired in my attempts to eat vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch on most days. I still have three blocks of the stuff sitting in the fridge. I am pretty sure the kids won't touch it. I know that Beloved will not eat it. So, I think I'm going to have to just throw it out. Apparently, the only way I can tolerate tofu is in hot and sour soup or miso soup. And I don't have the stuff to make either.
I can't think of anything more to write. I could go on about how upset I am with my mental health issues, but I think I covered that pretty completely. We watched a parade for Memorial Day. The kids loved the two marching bands and the firetrucks. I have been wracking my brains on something I can do for the ancestors. I feel badly saying that it is probably only going to be a small food offering and a candle. I want to do more but I just can't think of anything. I hope that I'm not disappointing them with what I have to give. I am, probably, over thinking things again. Another habit I really should consider breaking, I suppose.
Today has been a rather long day. I was reaching a point of intense frustration when Beloved gave the wonderful suggestion of going out and picking up take-out for dinner. Having eaten a good portion of shrimp in garlic sauce and lo mein, I feel a bit less on the verge of either screaming or throwing stuff. I guess part of my problem was low blood sugar. I thought I had gotten past the whole 'forgetting to eat' thing. Looks like I was wrong.
The sky outside right now is really impressive. It is raining but the sun is setting. It is at such an angle where the whole western sky is lit up with shades of orange. I'm sure if I stepped out and looked east, I'd see a rainbow right now. It is, however, wet and windy out there. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I will admire it all from right here in the living room.
I keep getting things tangled up on how to approach my creative efforts. Freyr is wisely telling me not to take an 'all or nothing' approach. It's been tempting to just say that since I can't do much now that I should just give up on the whole mess. I am, however, listening to his better judgment and putting such decisions aside. It is, honestly, awkward for me to listen to Freyr's advice. He's been suggesting over the last several days that perhaps I have been operating a little too much under the influence of my past trauma.
At his encouragement, I picked up my therapy journal and I have been writing in it again. It is really uncomfortable. I guess the best way to describe it is that writing in there is the mental equivalent to having that wound drain pulled out of my side. And, like when I had that damn thing taken out, I recognize this is necessary and something that is only going to help my long term welfare. I get angry with the fact that I have to do all these things (therapy, journaling, medications, etc.) to manage some degree of mental stability. I look around at how other people are going on with their lives and I feel intense envy for how 'easy' it seems to be.
Then I mentally smack myself and remind myself that I'm comparing things that have no relation to each other. Freyr's been suggesting that I consider talking to my therapist about finding some sort of PTSD support group. I have been hemming and hawing over it. I don't feel like there's much for someone like me in my area. I have had a hard time looking around and finding support stuff for us when it comes to the kids autism. I'm afraid to go looking for myself.
Fear has been a big problem for a little while now. Some of it is because I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping since late last August. I'm now on 8 different medications. If the three I'm taking to sleep at night don't resolve the problem or at least mitigate it, then my psych provider is talking about putting me on Ambien. I've read a little bit about Ambien. It makes me a bit nervous.
I have been feeling really upset about the fact that I take all these medications. I know that mental illness is as legitimate of a health condition as diabetes. I still can't shake the feeling, however, that I have some how failed because I'm taking medication to manage my symptoms. Every time I go to take my medicine, I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. My therapist says this will pass as I get the bad programming from my youth out of my head. Apparently conditioning is harder to put aside then sticking to a diet is.
Speaking of diets, I have come to the conclusion that baked tofu is probably one of the worst things I have tired in my attempts to eat vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch on most days. I still have three blocks of the stuff sitting in the fridge. I am pretty sure the kids won't touch it. I know that Beloved will not eat it. So, I think I'm going to have to just throw it out. Apparently, the only way I can tolerate tofu is in hot and sour soup or miso soup. And I don't have the stuff to make either.
I can't think of anything more to write. I could go on about how upset I am with my mental health issues, but I think I covered that pretty completely. We watched a parade for Memorial Day. The kids loved the two marching bands and the firetrucks. I have been wracking my brains on something I can do for the ancestors. I feel badly saying that it is probably only going to be a small food offering and a candle. I want to do more but I just can't think of anything. I hope that I'm not disappointing them with what I have to give. I am, probably, over thinking things again. Another habit I really should consider breaking, I suppose.
5/18/15
Letters to Loki # 22
Dear Loki,
I have been giving some thought to what you've suggested. I honestly don't feel like I'm up for the task. Still, you, Freyr, and Odin are all of a mind that I can get three books written by the end of summer. I am going to give it my best effort. Thinking about summer has me really intimidated. My mental health hasn't been all that great over the last few months and I'm reluctant to say that the medication adjustment has resolved everything. I feel like I can't fully trust it. The last medication adjustment only lasted a few months before it started to lose effectiveness.
This whole business with my mental health has been really frustrating. You've been really awesome about helping me keep my proverbial shit together. I really appreciate it. The fact that you have helped me calm down in the midst of a panic attack is solid gold. I will confess, it was eerie to go from panic to complete calm with out dissociating. It was like some switch in my head got flipped and I suddenly gave no fucks whatsoever about being in that crowded location. Freyr suggests that I can learn that skill. I have been kinda confused by this. But, I've been talking with Odin, as you have encouraged, and doing the exercises he gave me.
Speaking of exercise, I've been more active about physical exercise. I am pleased to report that I walked 2.5 miles today despite my knees giving me a lot of trouble. I'm paying for it somewhat by how much they're aching right now, but it will pass. I am at something of a loss for yoga. I know that you think it would be really awesome for me. I think you may have a point and it would probably be easier on me then aggressive strength training or running (which always comes to mind when I think about exercise for some reason). I could come up with a dozen excuses for why I am not doing it but, honestly, I am intimidated by it. Your arguments that it would improve my sex life hasn't exactly helped make the prospect less intimidating, by the way.
I have been getting more spinning related stuff done. Last week I washed up about a pound of wool. I need to card or comb it before I can spin it. I don't think I did stuff right in washing the brown colored wool in the batch of samples. I didn't handle it very much (really, I didn't handle it at all) but somehow it seems a bit felted. I am coming down the home stretch with the dark blue silk that I have been spinning. I will be taking a break from spinning silk to get some of that batt of raspberry colored wool spun. That idea you had for how to improve my homemade distaff was brilliant. It is working out really well. Thanks again for the suggestion. It never would have occurred to me to try putting one of the drawer pulls I had been using to make little drop spindles on the end of the stick. And the wood glue seems to be holding really well.
I am running out of coherent things to write and Thor is on his way through. I'm hoping the thunder storm will knock some of the humidity out of the air. It's hard enough to sleep with my chronic nightmares. This sticky, hot, and humid weather isn't exactly making that easier either. The front is supposed to pass through tonight and we'll be in the 60s tomorrow. I hope it doesn't cause any problems for Snuggle Bug's school field trip tomorrow. I'll catch up with you again soon. Give my love to Sigyn.
I have been giving some thought to what you've suggested. I honestly don't feel like I'm up for the task. Still, you, Freyr, and Odin are all of a mind that I can get three books written by the end of summer. I am going to give it my best effort. Thinking about summer has me really intimidated. My mental health hasn't been all that great over the last few months and I'm reluctant to say that the medication adjustment has resolved everything. I feel like I can't fully trust it. The last medication adjustment only lasted a few months before it started to lose effectiveness.
This whole business with my mental health has been really frustrating. You've been really awesome about helping me keep my proverbial shit together. I really appreciate it. The fact that you have helped me calm down in the midst of a panic attack is solid gold. I will confess, it was eerie to go from panic to complete calm with out dissociating. It was like some switch in my head got flipped and I suddenly gave no fucks whatsoever about being in that crowded location. Freyr suggests that I can learn that skill. I have been kinda confused by this. But, I've been talking with Odin, as you have encouraged, and doing the exercises he gave me.
Speaking of exercise, I've been more active about physical exercise. I am pleased to report that I walked 2.5 miles today despite my knees giving me a lot of trouble. I'm paying for it somewhat by how much they're aching right now, but it will pass. I am at something of a loss for yoga. I know that you think it would be really awesome for me. I think you may have a point and it would probably be easier on me then aggressive strength training or running (which always comes to mind when I think about exercise for some reason). I could come up with a dozen excuses for why I am not doing it but, honestly, I am intimidated by it. Your arguments that it would improve my sex life hasn't exactly helped make the prospect less intimidating, by the way.
I have been getting more spinning related stuff done. Last week I washed up about a pound of wool. I need to card or comb it before I can spin it. I don't think I did stuff right in washing the brown colored wool in the batch of samples. I didn't handle it very much (really, I didn't handle it at all) but somehow it seems a bit felted. I am coming down the home stretch with the dark blue silk that I have been spinning. I will be taking a break from spinning silk to get some of that batt of raspberry colored wool spun. That idea you had for how to improve my homemade distaff was brilliant. It is working out really well. Thanks again for the suggestion. It never would have occurred to me to try putting one of the drawer pulls I had been using to make little drop spindles on the end of the stick. And the wood glue seems to be holding really well.
I am running out of coherent things to write and Thor is on his way through. I'm hoping the thunder storm will knock some of the humidity out of the air. It's hard enough to sleep with my chronic nightmares. This sticky, hot, and humid weather isn't exactly making that easier either. The front is supposed to pass through tonight and we'll be in the 60s tomorrow. I hope it doesn't cause any problems for Snuggle Bug's school field trip tomorrow. I'll catch up with you again soon. Give my love to Sigyn.
5/11/15
Letters to Loki # 21
Dear Loki,
I feel like the village idiot right now. I'm really upset over losing my favorite pen. So upset that I find myself half on the verge of tears over it. There is no rational reason for this. Yes, I lost my favorite pen. But it's just a pen and I have a similar one that I can use right now.
It kinda encapsulates today. The morning was fun with laundry (and I lack the verbage to adequately express the sarcasm here). I tried to get some writing done but I was interrupted. I didn't have my favorite pen then either, but I was just happy with the cheapie that I had at the time. I kinda found myself in a position of somewhat forced socialization.
On one hand, I'm pleased with how that turned out. I think I may have someone buying my book because of it. At the same time, I was upset because I really wanted to write more in my journal. Then I got home and I tried to work on some other things but it just didn't work out. Right now, I'm cooking dinner and half expecting that to go sideways on me. (I know, that type of attitude invites trouble. I'm not having much success adjusting it right now.)
The thing that really makes me mad is the fact that I should have had a good day today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I averted a problem. And I even managed to have the kids behave despite being stuck in the house all afternoon. But I'm tired, upset, and angry. I guess it is because of my brain chemistry, but it feels like a pathetic excuse.
I've been forcing myself not to start worrying over things. I guess that may be part of the crankiness too. I don't know. I just hope that tomorrow goes better. And that my damn pen turns up.
I feel like the village idiot right now. I'm really upset over losing my favorite pen. So upset that I find myself half on the verge of tears over it. There is no rational reason for this. Yes, I lost my favorite pen. But it's just a pen and I have a similar one that I can use right now.
It kinda encapsulates today. The morning was fun with laundry (and I lack the verbage to adequately express the sarcasm here). I tried to get some writing done but I was interrupted. I didn't have my favorite pen then either, but I was just happy with the cheapie that I had at the time. I kinda found myself in a position of somewhat forced socialization.
On one hand, I'm pleased with how that turned out. I think I may have someone buying my book because of it. At the same time, I was upset because I really wanted to write more in my journal. Then I got home and I tried to work on some other things but it just didn't work out. Right now, I'm cooking dinner and half expecting that to go sideways on me. (I know, that type of attitude invites trouble. I'm not having much success adjusting it right now.)
The thing that really makes me mad is the fact that I should have had a good day today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I averted a problem. And I even managed to have the kids behave despite being stuck in the house all afternoon. But I'm tired, upset, and angry. I guess it is because of my brain chemistry, but it feels like a pathetic excuse.
I've been forcing myself not to start worrying over things. I guess that may be part of the crankiness too. I don't know. I just hope that tomorrow goes better. And that my damn pen turns up.
5/5/15
Letters to Loki # 20 : I am thankful.
Dear Loki,
It's been a rough week. At the same time, I've been taking your advice to heart and trying to focus on the things I am thankful for compared to where I was not so long ago. It kinda baffles me that a year ago [I can't say for certain it was a year because my sense of time is so messed up by my medications and psych issues. :( ] I was in the hospital for suicidal depression. As much as I have been struggling, I am not at that point and I am deeply thankful for it.
I had my plans for a garden go sideways on me but I found soil to use in my containers for dirt cheap. (Yes, I used the pun. I would have found a worse one but it wasn't worth digging up.) I am beginning to make peace with the absence of the trees behind the building. I will confess, I am glad that we have a lot less mosquitoes. I have been noticing more birds at the feeders and focusing on that rather then the mess that has been coming with it.
I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am making an effort not to push myself too hard before I am ready. I am somewhat disappointed that I don't have it in me to do more right now. Still, I find I can do more then I could a few days ago and that is something that I am glad of.
I also did as you suggested and talked with Freyr about all the things I've been worried about. And, again, you were right. I was over thinking everything and letting my anxiety run the show again. I know I need to stop bottling up my anxiety and start confronting it face on when it pops up. I think I have a long way to go before I can take that in stride.
I don't think it was a coincidence that over the last few days my arthritic knees have been functionally keeping me at home when I've been really restless. I guess I need to slow down and focus on getting my immediate environment under some measure of control rather then running away from it. Which, I admit, I was doing some of last week. Ok, I was doing a lot of it.
I keep staring at the knitting project I've been working on and wishing it would finish itself. I'll be glad to give that to my sister-in-law when it is done. I have no idea where to start with the sampler I was stitching. I just stare at it blankly for several minutes and then put it back into the canvas bag where I've been keeping it. I know that I need to do more artistic expression. I just find myself at a loss for where to begin. It's all rather overwhelming.
I'm sure I will figure it out. It's great that you are willing to just share coffee with me and hang out. It helps a lot when I have days where I'm feeling really lonely. Also, those ideas you've thrown out on how to deal with the kids have been solid gold. I'm a little intimidated with where things are going on that front, but I'm going to do as you encouraged and deal with each thing as it is presented.
It's funny, actually. So many people think of you as the random clown or the scary guy who destroys everything they've attempted, but not too many folks seem to think that you are practical and a problem solver. Sure, some of your solutions are unorthodox, but they work and that is what matters, right?
It's been a rough week. At the same time, I've been taking your advice to heart and trying to focus on the things I am thankful for compared to where I was not so long ago. It kinda baffles me that a year ago [I can't say for certain it was a year because my sense of time is so messed up by my medications and psych issues. :( ] I was in the hospital for suicidal depression. As much as I have been struggling, I am not at that point and I am deeply thankful for it.
I had my plans for a garden go sideways on me but I found soil to use in my containers for dirt cheap. (Yes, I used the pun. I would have found a worse one but it wasn't worth digging up.) I am beginning to make peace with the absence of the trees behind the building. I will confess, I am glad that we have a lot less mosquitoes. I have been noticing more birds at the feeders and focusing on that rather then the mess that has been coming with it.
I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am making an effort not to push myself too hard before I am ready. I am somewhat disappointed that I don't have it in me to do more right now. Still, I find I can do more then I could a few days ago and that is something that I am glad of.
I also did as you suggested and talked with Freyr about all the things I've been worried about. And, again, you were right. I was over thinking everything and letting my anxiety run the show again. I know I need to stop bottling up my anxiety and start confronting it face on when it pops up. I think I have a long way to go before I can take that in stride.
I don't think it was a coincidence that over the last few days my arthritic knees have been functionally keeping me at home when I've been really restless. I guess I need to slow down and focus on getting my immediate environment under some measure of control rather then running away from it. Which, I admit, I was doing some of last week. Ok, I was doing a lot of it.
I keep staring at the knitting project I've been working on and wishing it would finish itself. I'll be glad to give that to my sister-in-law when it is done. I have no idea where to start with the sampler I was stitching. I just stare at it blankly for several minutes and then put it back into the canvas bag where I've been keeping it. I know that I need to do more artistic expression. I just find myself at a loss for where to begin. It's all rather overwhelming.
I'm sure I will figure it out. It's great that you are willing to just share coffee with me and hang out. It helps a lot when I have days where I'm feeling really lonely. Also, those ideas you've thrown out on how to deal with the kids have been solid gold. I'm a little intimidated with where things are going on that front, but I'm going to do as you encouraged and deal with each thing as it is presented.
It's funny, actually. So many people think of you as the random clown or the scary guy who destroys everything they've attempted, but not too many folks seem to think that you are practical and a problem solver. Sure, some of your solutions are unorthodox, but they work and that is what matters, right?
4/27/15
Letters to Loki #19 Fuck Bipolar.
Hey there Sly Fox,
I did it. I wrote about the thing like you encouraged me to. I don't exactly feel better for it but maybe this is one of those it takes a while to kick in. I'm getting sick and tired of this depressive episode bullshit. I've been somewhere between angry, anxious, and wanting to hide somewhere and cry all day. It's been pretty awful.
I keep catching myself getting upset because I can't just go and be like I was before the bipolar came into the picture. (Or before it became so bad to be clinical. I don't know. I'm confused on the whole matter, to be honest.) This adjusting to my new normal is really fucking hard. I hate it. I get myself to a point where I feel like I'm about ok and then the next depressive episode hits or my PTSD acts up. Or something else goes wrong.
I'm sick of it. I just want to be healthy again. And then I have days where I wonder if I ever really was healthy to begin with. It's damn depressing. I'm trying to be positive and turn these fucking lemons into lemonade but I just want to throw 'em in the freezer to then throw at people who irritate me. It's a good thing, I suppose, that my freezer is kinda small and full right now. And that the lemons are proverbial.
This disability business is bullshit, man. Serious, weapons grade bullshit.
I did it. I wrote about the thing like you encouraged me to. I don't exactly feel better for it but maybe this is one of those it takes a while to kick in. I'm getting sick and tired of this depressive episode bullshit. I've been somewhere between angry, anxious, and wanting to hide somewhere and cry all day. It's been pretty awful.
I keep catching myself getting upset because I can't just go and be like I was before the bipolar came into the picture. (Or before it became so bad to be clinical. I don't know. I'm confused on the whole matter, to be honest.) This adjusting to my new normal is really fucking hard. I hate it. I get myself to a point where I feel like I'm about ok and then the next depressive episode hits or my PTSD acts up. Or something else goes wrong.
I'm sick of it. I just want to be healthy again. And then I have days where I wonder if I ever really was healthy to begin with. It's damn depressing. I'm trying to be positive and turn these fucking lemons into lemonade but I just want to throw 'em in the freezer to then throw at people who irritate me. It's a good thing, I suppose, that my freezer is kinda small and full right now. And that the lemons are proverbial.
This disability business is bullshit, man. Serious, weapons grade bullshit.
4/18/15
The matter of ISIL
New Flower Moon (Age: 0 days)
Sign: Taurus
Weather: Warm, fair skies
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was with great deliberation and much consultation with my DÃsir that I came to the conclusion that it was appropriate to curse ISIL. They had added on another focus but I am not to speak of it until the full moon. Yesterday, I performed the curse on ISIL and I did so under the guidance of my DÃsir. This really was the first time I have done magic with the active participation of the DÃsir. I honestly have no idea how this will effect the manifestation of the spell's results.
They told me to do the exact opposite of my usual curse breaking spell. My usual curse breaking spell consists of taking three thorns, grinding them to a powder, and burning them. As I do so, I focus on the malevolent magic and energies that have been directed at someone and drive them down into the earth to dissipate. It sometimes is harder to do when I haven't much invested personally in the outcome of the spell. I think that is because I do my most effective magic when my heart is entwined with it.
The curse on ISIL was assembled in the physical realm by taking three thorns and driving them into a candle at varying intervals. As I lit the candle, I declared what the results of the curse would be and the target. I then allowed the candle to burn completely. It was interesting because as the candle burned, it cracked apart where the thorns pierced it. Also, the candle continued to burn for a little while when the wax about the wick was used up. I am more then a little bit certain that last bit was the hands of the DÃsir.
Unlike other spells I have done recently, I did not feel a great flow of power from myself into the flame. In this instance, I saw the flame drawing energy to it and then that energy was sent elsewhere. I also had the distinct impression that there were more deities then Loki, Freya, Odin, and Tyr observing (if not influencing) this. When the candle had burned down and extinguished itself, I disposed of all the remnants, taking care not to touch the components. I had the candle set in a 'bowl' made of aluminum foil. I did this because I didn't want to have the trouble of cleaning wax out of a candle holder. When I realized that the action also preserved me from handling the miasmic leavings of the spell, I immediately wondered if I had been guided to do so by the gods.
While ISIL is causing havoc in the middle east, I've noticed that all of the old gods have sat up and taken notice (with more then a little displeasure). They've also been taking note of the other group that I was directed to include as a focus. I did a separate ritual for that. This second ritual has a longer time frame then the first. I think this means that the first will manifest more quickly. I feel that something is moving beneath the surface and the spells I have done this phase of the moon are going to have some far reaching consequences.
I was careful to manufacture the spells so that the blow back was as carefully directed as the spells themselves. I know that sending energy out means that energy returns to you. The curse that I sent out was crafted in such a fashion that the energy that returns will be something that removes harmful things from my life. Oddly enough, it was Freya's direct guidance that engineered that. I did a lot of the heavy lifting whilst she gave directions.
I haven't done divination on what the results of this will be. I am not going to either. I will just let it be as it is and let the plethora of gods deal with it. I have more immediate concerns to deal with right now. And perseverating on how the spell will manifest is only going to make me stressed out. ISIL and the others have kicked a hornets' nest. My actions merely funnel the direction of the hornets on to them. And that was all I, honestly, was willing to do.
Could I have gone farther with it? Yes. But I didn't think it was worth the fall out from doing so. And neither did my DÃsir. And when all else fails, it's good to listen to the ancestors because they usually have a perspective that you don't on such things as magic.
4/8/15
Letters to Loki #18 - I believe.
Hey there Sly One,
I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.
When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.
I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.
So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.
It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.
I've been having a rough couple of days. I got really anxious about Cuddle Bear's trip to the dentist, because the last several attempts were horrific and the previous folks didn't want him to come back. Apparently terrified screaming is not conducive to a dental office's pleasant environment. Go figure, right? In my anxiety, I basically asked you and everyone else I could think of for help making sure that visit worked out well. I have to say, it was a huge success and I really appreciate that. He is actually looking forward to seeing the dentist again in the future.
When my anxiety wasn't running over me roughshod, I just wasn't feeling well. I haven't been sleeping well again and it's got me dealing with a mixture of depression and a sense of futility/hopelessness. It's been a difficult act of will to make myself push forward right now. All I want to do is sleep. It didn't help that I woke up about five times last night. Losing about an hour and a half of sleep just doesn't help me function on a good day, let alone when things aren't well.
I have caught myself questioning a lot of things today, especially when the day got rough. The questions all revolved around my competence, my abilities, and my sanity. Nowhere in the midst of all that did I find myself questioning if you or the others care. I didn't start telling myself that the attitude of caring and compassion that I have received from you and the others was some kind of sick game. It served to knock me out of that mental loop.
So many other times, when I have gotten stuck in that pattern, I questioned everyone's affection towards me. This time, I wasn't questioning if the affection was genuine from you, Freyr, the other gods, or the people who are in my life, such as my husband. I'm cautiously optimistic that this is a sign that I am finally getting past that bit of negative conditioning. I don't have much faith in myself right now. But my faith in everyone else is unshaken right now. And I'm thankful for that. Because no matter how wonky my brain may get, I can find reassurance in the fact that y'all have got my back, and remembering that fact.
It's pretty big and I thought I should share that.
4/1/15
Broomclosets suck.
Waxing Egg/Pink Moon (Age: 12 Days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Clear skies, chilly
Snowpack: gone :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It didn't hit me until a few days ago that I was making my way back into the broomcloset and not attending to my children's spiritual education because I was afraid. Now, one may ask what I am afraid of. When I was younger (foolhardy and feisty), I was public about my non-Christian status. I asked questions in an attempt to make sense of Christianity that, among other things, lead to my getting thrown out of a church. Protip: Don't ask the Catholic priest: how he can be sure that god is real when the bible is written by fallible human hands and people lie for power, thus how does he know his scripture is true? I was 12 at the time this happened. That peer who invited me to go to church with her stopped talking to me and her parents were down right frosty towards me after the incident. Go figure. Getting thrown out of a church was a very confusing experience for me because I thought that everybody was welcome in a church and I knew that asking questions was the best way to learn something. It was a matter that had been troubling me and I figured since the priest knew more then I did, he was a good person to ask. Silly me, I was using logic.
That, however, was really tame compared to the harassment I got from my peers. They would do things like talk about how I was going to Hell because I didn't believe in Jesus, that my family was going to suffer because of me, and that my lack of faith was the reason why my elderly great-grandmother died. (It was Alzheimer disease, but I had a hard time grasping that.) Now, you may ask, why did the topic of religion even come up when I was going to a secular school. The problem is one teacher decided to demand to ask us all 'who made you?' one day. My peers answered 'god' and I answered 'my parents.' I had a rough understanding of where babies came from, even in 3rd grade. The teacher flipped her lid, banished me out of her class room with the classmate who she some how learned was Jewish. We spent a good half year stuck in the hallway because of that shit. I think this is part of the reason why I have so much difficulty with multiplication, to be honest.
But, when that little fact came out, all the bullies used it as fodder to harass me. And it got nasty. As I got older and I started trying to make sense of how the world worked and fumbling my way through theological concepts, I had people who would ambush me with this demand that I convert to their faith or go to hell. I was already getting pushed around in other areas. This was one point that I just couldn't get pushed into because I hit my limit. Thus, the harassment got worse over the years. It wound up with things like my acquiring a reputation as a 'whore' after they decided the epithet 'Satan's whore' was good for me. That resulted in a couple of guys from the local collage propositioning me for sexual favors. I was 14 at the time.
Somewhere around when they started in on the 'Satan's whore' business, I fell into Wicca. As I learned about the history and mythos of the faith, I got angry. So, when someone decided to use my 'godless' status as an excuse to shove me into a locker, I grabbed 'em by the lapels and used their momentum to slam them into a locker while telling them quite loudly to stop mocking my religion. I stayed 'loud and proud' for a long time. Heck, I was one of the two token pagans at the Catholic private college I attended. (The other being my best friend. The nuns were wonderful to us. Our peers were apparently afraid of me but decided to physically harass my friend. She didn't let me know about it until years after the fact. I was livid on her behalf. She said it was sweet of me.)
No, I got quiet after I had kids. Why did I get quiet after I had kids, because it was no longer just me and my husband to worry about. And my husband is a big guy, he can handle pretty much anything that gets thrown at him and does it well. But having these two little boys to worry about, I got progressively quieter and quieter about my faith until I all but stopped practicing for a while there. (Loki had some choice words to say about that. Pointedly reminded me the worst they could do was kill me, because they really couldn't do anything else beyond that due to the fact that the rest of the family would step in to protect the boys if needed. He also reminded me that I am a fighter and that fighting was an option. Somehow, I forgot that.)
I guess it was a few weeks ago, as the kids started talking about Easter (actually, I think the itch started closer to Christmas) that I got to feeling angry that they were being indoctrinated passively into the Christian faith. And it hit me that if I didn't give them any sort of grounding, someone else would. And, quite frankly, the variety of Christians around my neck of the woods has been skewed increasingly towards the Dominionist variety. I'll be damned if I'm going to let them get their mitts on my boys. Those folks are dangerous as fuck.
So, I am taking steps to come out of the broomcloset that I found myself in and moving towards actively teaching the boys about my faith. Beloved is indifferent to the subject of religion, though he is happy to support what I say and willing to explain things in the terms of the Norse faith (as much as he understands). I did some divination on this recently. I was told to focus on family traditions and ancestor worship as a way to start the process of their spiritual education. While my household will probably never be one for saying grace before the meal (I thank the lives that give us our sustenance as I am cooking and do my best to honor them through creating the best meal I can each time. It seems to work.) I think we need to have some more formalized activity of worship going on.
With Easter coming, I will be doing something for Ostara. It will be small and the kids are probably going to be happier that they're getting a special surprise rather then anything else. And I'm going to start making active things for honoring the gods that the kids can do. They're not old enough to light candles on their own but maybe the electric tea lights will count. And I know there will be someway to put out offerings as the weather gets nice.
At the same time, I am terrified that the neighbors are going to do horrible, horrible things to us for this. And I am saddened and angered by that fear. Even more so that, on some level, it is justified.
3/30/15
Letters to Loki #17 - WTF was I thinking?
Sly Fox,
I think I bit off more then I could chew this time. I thought that spring break would be no big deal and that the kids would be ok. I dared to think I could actually get some stuff done that didn't require my being in the room at all times. Oh was I wrong. There wasn't fights but there was so much screaming and whining. Every time I left the room to do something, I had a tail. Snuggle Bug always followed me when I went to use the bathroom and stood outside the door asking me what I was doing repeatedly.
We had a little excitement when the power company came out and replaced a telephone pole near our place. The kids had their noses pressed to the windows and were making excited squealing noises as they watched the equipment. It was rainy and cold, so we didn't go outside to watch. Which I think was ultimately a good thing because the boys really wanted to go talk to the guys working and see their truck up close.
Still, I think I need to lower my expectations for myself for this week. While I wanted to get another book started this week, I think that is just going to wait until the kids go back to school. I may, however, get somewhat caught up posting book reviews, if the kids let me. That requires a bit less quite and concentration. I am reading the last book in the Harry Potter series and I honestly don't get what the big deal is with it all. I know that you've also strongly recommended I read it and I'm trying to keep an open mind but I'm just not feeling anything for this.
Though, I do believe the whole kerfulffle over the death of Dumbledor had your fingerprints all over it. Seriously, the outcry over this death getting spoiled for the other readers was damn near epic and insane all at the same time. I've been of a mixed mind as to how to treat possible spoilers for my readers. I think I can discuss the content of the books with out giving away the details of the plot. But I don't believe I am going to post spoiler warnings. Those things just irritate the daylights out of me.
Ah well, that's what's on my mind today. I suspect tomorrow will be another day of my questioning my sanity if the weather is as rotten as it was today and we're still cooped up indoors.
I think I bit off more then I could chew this time. I thought that spring break would be no big deal and that the kids would be ok. I dared to think I could actually get some stuff done that didn't require my being in the room at all times. Oh was I wrong. There wasn't fights but there was so much screaming and whining. Every time I left the room to do something, I had a tail. Snuggle Bug always followed me when I went to use the bathroom and stood outside the door asking me what I was doing repeatedly.
We had a little excitement when the power company came out and replaced a telephone pole near our place. The kids had their noses pressed to the windows and were making excited squealing noises as they watched the equipment. It was rainy and cold, so we didn't go outside to watch. Which I think was ultimately a good thing because the boys really wanted to go talk to the guys working and see their truck up close.
Still, I think I need to lower my expectations for myself for this week. While I wanted to get another book started this week, I think that is just going to wait until the kids go back to school. I may, however, get somewhat caught up posting book reviews, if the kids let me. That requires a bit less quite and concentration. I am reading the last book in the Harry Potter series and I honestly don't get what the big deal is with it all. I know that you've also strongly recommended I read it and I'm trying to keep an open mind but I'm just not feeling anything for this.
Though, I do believe the whole kerfulffle over the death of Dumbledor had your fingerprints all over it. Seriously, the outcry over this death getting spoiled for the other readers was damn near epic and insane all at the same time. I've been of a mixed mind as to how to treat possible spoilers for my readers. I think I can discuss the content of the books with out giving away the details of the plot. But I don't believe I am going to post spoiler warnings. Those things just irritate the daylights out of me.
Ah well, that's what's on my mind today. I suspect tomorrow will be another day of my questioning my sanity if the weather is as rotten as it was today and we're still cooped up indoors.
3/20/15
Equinox, Super Moon, and a Solar Eclipse walk into a bar...
New Egg Moon (Age: 0 Days)
Sign: Aries
Weather: Cold, partly cloudy,
light breezes and snow flurries
Snow Pack: 1 in, approx.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Magically, I can feel the tides are pretty high right now. There's a lot going on celestially with the equinox, super moon, and solar eclipse happening today. I haven't been doing any magic today because I have been busy with the kids being home from school. Also, I have had the distinct feeling that I should refrain from it until after Hiatus is over. I did notice, however, that at the time of the solar eclipse, I did briefly awaken from sleep (as it was 3 am here and all was dark). I don't think, however, that was of much significance because my reason for awakening was due to my husband's snoring. (As my psych issues have improved, I have found that I sleep a bit lighter but get more rest. I don't claim to understand it.)
I was going to observe a partial fast today and made it to the middle of the day. Then I grabbed something quick from the store on my way to a parent-teacher conference and my abstaining from sugar got shot by the bottle of cola I had. I did manage to refrain from meat until dinner, so I suppose that counts as a success. I wanted to at least keep myself in some sense restrained in my observance of Hiatus and I didn't do quite as well as I had wanted. Life got in the way as it had through out the whole of Moura.
Last night, as I was falling asleep and communing with Freyr, I talked about my frustrations with keeping such things. He was bemused and told me that he was my dispensation from austerity. I was a bit flustered by this. It seems that Freyr is becoming more of a primary figure in my spiritual experiences. This is not too much of a surprise because of the relationship I am in with him. At the same time, I thought that things with Dea were going to stay very focused and front and center. When asking Freyr about this, he smiled and told me that she was still there and interested in me. My vow to her still binds me and Freyr will not contraindicate it. But he also told me that I was focusing too much on the 'form' of worship rather then the 'heart' of it.
Again, he was bemused with me as he said it. Called me his 'overly serious scholar' and told me that I am in no way to become something like an anchorite. It threw me for a bit of a loop until I realized that my tendency to cloister myself away from the world was less a spiritual act and more of an outgrowth of my social phobia. He was quick to tell me that solitude is part of my path but I needed to be in the world more. I was also told that I needed to reacquire my sense of humor or Loki was going to 'help' with that.
I'll be honest, the little bit of playful 'malice' with Freyr's comment flustered me more and made me more apprehensive then the prospect of Loki helping me find humor. Loki's been laughing at this all day. Generally going with comments along the lines of "You're getting what you asked for. It's adorable to watch you flail. He should do this more often." and "Bit off more then you could chew, I guess you'll need to swallow." The latter was accompanied by some explicit gestures. Which rather made me flustered again and Flame Hair laughed again. I don't know why, but I forget that Loki's sense of humor does include a fair amount of lewdness. When he displays it (he was suggesting I use the phrase 'whips it out', for example), I tend to get mildly embarrassed and flustered. He jokes that I am a prude because of this and makes a point of making such comments at times where it gets a particularly strong response.
I wound up through a confluence of incidents going out to do stuff out of the house in public with out my head covered but my hair bound (in a very loose fashion by a ponytail). It felt somewhat odd. I have the feeling that my taboo is relaxing somewhat as my hair lengthens, though I am still encouraged to do so and have my hair bound up in some fashion when I go out of the house. The silence from Dea has me unsure if this is the case or my misinterpreting things.
At the time of the equinox, the boys and I were actively cleaning the house. I think this sets a tone for what the season will be like. We were working relatively well together and I wasn't overly stressed out by it. I hope this means that the season will exhibit more of this. I haven't done divination yet for the season and the upcoming liturgical year. I'm going to do that tomorrow at the beginning of the liturgical year.
3/18/15
Dreams.
Waning Worm Moon (Age: 27 days)
Sign: Pisces
Weather: cold, clear skies
Snow pack: 1-2 inches where
it remains
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've been having angry dreams of late. One has me battling a shadowy, superior foe. In that dream, I am grievously injured but I fight on. As the battle continues, my injuries become greater. At the end of the dream, I am so wounded that I should drop to the ground dead. I fight on, declaring in a savage growl, "I don't die."The other dream is also one of combat. I am facing an army of draugar. I am unable to retreat. I take up a defensive position at a bottleneck on high ground. I hack and hew the bodies of my foes. At one point, I briefly consider ending my own life when I become extremely exhausted. Then, I angrily decide that I will fight until I die, taking down as many of my foes as I possibly can in the process.
I know that my dreams relate to my ptsd on one level. I have a feeling, however, that there is something on another level that gives them another meaning. I just can't puzzle it out.
Letters to Loki # 16: Running in Circles
Hey there Sly One,
Boy was last week a roller coaster ride. I am so thankful that my grandmother is doing well now. I don't know why she was having the health issues she was but the fact that she is recovering and at home now is a huge relief. I am a little frustrated with some of the things that happened to create some of the problem but I recognize that there really is nothing I can do to influence that so I am doing my best not to worry about it. I am still somewhat concerned for my mother, but I know that she has my father there to help her out. All of the stress from my maternal grandmother's health scare and from caring for my paternal grandmother (who is suffering from dementia) is wearing on my parents and I worry about them. Frustratingly, however, there really is nothing I can do to be of help. I know if there was, they'd tell me. I pray for them but sometimes it really doesn't feel like enough.
Speaking of prayer, the list of people whom I am praying for grew by a significant factor last week. It makes me disappointed that so many people are having so much trouble right now. I pray for them and I encourage some folks who I am associated with to pray for them as well, but I really would like to do something more concrete to be of help. I am, however, recognizing that there are limitations to what I can do and not pushing myself beyond my limits. I suppose I have learned some measure of moderation after all. I don't know when that happened, however. Must be part of this whole being an adult business.
The cleaning and such for Moura is almost finished. I have to admit, Freyr's admonishment to take a step back from working on my books has been helpful. It has allowed me to address the various problems that have popped up over the last few weeks with out feeling guilty that I wasn't working on a manuscript. I don't think I am going to manage to get fully caught up on my spinning by the time the Equinox hits, but I don't feel too upset about that. Again, I think this is a sign that I am making progress in not being so damn hard on myself.
I have been working on a shawl for Angrboda. I feel a little unhappy because I have made mistakes and had to rip it out to do over again. The pattern is really simple but I seem to keep flubbing things up with it. I am trying to keep a good sense of humor about it all and being less of a perfectionist with it. That, however, has been really hard. I do find myself wondering if the fact that this thing is a royal purple will suit her well. It was, however, the deepest shade of yarn that I had which is not earmarked for other projects. The rate that I am going through this ball of yarn, however, I may be forced to do the design element that initially came to mind. The ombré shades of purple to white may look good, but I kinda felt that doing the whole thing in dark purple would have worked better. I will, however, do what is necessary to get this done in a timely fashion.
I'm not sure why but I have the strongest sense that I need to finish this shawl by the end of the month. Considering that I am about a quarter of the way done, I think I will accomplish that with a little bit of time to spare. I still haven't gotten back to that embroidery project. I have hit something of a creative block with it. I just can't figure out what I am going to do next on it. I want to finish it but I am out of ideas. I have tried looking in my craft books, my embroidery handbook, and at projects others have done, but nothing captures my imagination. I suppose that is going to sit for a while longer.
This big shawl that I am knitting out of the camouflage yarn is almost finished. I have three sections to do and it will be ready to be blocked. I have no idea where I am going to block it out, though, because this thing is too big to do anywhere except in the middle of the living room. I don't have those foam blocking mats. So, I may just be giving it to the recipient unblocked. Fortunately, however, the yarn is acrylic and easy to care for. I will be soaking it in fabric softener and running it through a hot wash to soften up the yarn when I have this thing done. My hope is that it will make it a bit more even in texture and softer on the skin. If I have to, I suppose I could kill the yarn but I don't know where I'll be ironing this thing out. Again, that whole lack of workspace business.
I have been working towards doing more with Keen. I still feel really nervous about talking to unfamiliar people but I am doing my best not to avoid it. Hopefully, I will manage to be more active now that life has settled down some. These last two weeks were just too chaotic for me to really get involved with that. It makes me dread the coming spring break and summer. I don't know how I am going to manage being more active on Keen with the kids home and running around. I am sure I'll think of something, but it makes me nervous.
I suppose that's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I have some housework to take care of, so I'll just wrap this up with one final thought. I really deeply appreciate how you have been so supportive over the last few weeks. Reminding me not to take everything so damn seriously is probably the biggest thing I appreciate. It's a bad habit that I just can't seem to shake yet. I am sure I will in time. But, thank you again for being my friend and helping out.
Boy was last week a roller coaster ride. I am so thankful that my grandmother is doing well now. I don't know why she was having the health issues she was but the fact that she is recovering and at home now is a huge relief. I am a little frustrated with some of the things that happened to create some of the problem but I recognize that there really is nothing I can do to influence that so I am doing my best not to worry about it. I am still somewhat concerned for my mother, but I know that she has my father there to help her out. All of the stress from my maternal grandmother's health scare and from caring for my paternal grandmother (who is suffering from dementia) is wearing on my parents and I worry about them. Frustratingly, however, there really is nothing I can do to be of help. I know if there was, they'd tell me. I pray for them but sometimes it really doesn't feel like enough.
Speaking of prayer, the list of people whom I am praying for grew by a significant factor last week. It makes me disappointed that so many people are having so much trouble right now. I pray for them and I encourage some folks who I am associated with to pray for them as well, but I really would like to do something more concrete to be of help. I am, however, recognizing that there are limitations to what I can do and not pushing myself beyond my limits. I suppose I have learned some measure of moderation after all. I don't know when that happened, however. Must be part of this whole being an adult business.
The cleaning and such for Moura is almost finished. I have to admit, Freyr's admonishment to take a step back from working on my books has been helpful. It has allowed me to address the various problems that have popped up over the last few weeks with out feeling guilty that I wasn't working on a manuscript. I don't think I am going to manage to get fully caught up on my spinning by the time the Equinox hits, but I don't feel too upset about that. Again, I think this is a sign that I am making progress in not being so damn hard on myself.
I have been working on a shawl for Angrboda. I feel a little unhappy because I have made mistakes and had to rip it out to do over again. The pattern is really simple but I seem to keep flubbing things up with it. I am trying to keep a good sense of humor about it all and being less of a perfectionist with it. That, however, has been really hard. I do find myself wondering if the fact that this thing is a royal purple will suit her well. It was, however, the deepest shade of yarn that I had which is not earmarked for other projects. The rate that I am going through this ball of yarn, however, I may be forced to do the design element that initially came to mind. The ombré shades of purple to white may look good, but I kinda felt that doing the whole thing in dark purple would have worked better. I will, however, do what is necessary to get this done in a timely fashion.
I'm not sure why but I have the strongest sense that I need to finish this shawl by the end of the month. Considering that I am about a quarter of the way done, I think I will accomplish that with a little bit of time to spare. I still haven't gotten back to that embroidery project. I have hit something of a creative block with it. I just can't figure out what I am going to do next on it. I want to finish it but I am out of ideas. I have tried looking in my craft books, my embroidery handbook, and at projects others have done, but nothing captures my imagination. I suppose that is going to sit for a while longer.
This big shawl that I am knitting out of the camouflage yarn is almost finished. I have three sections to do and it will be ready to be blocked. I have no idea where I am going to block it out, though, because this thing is too big to do anywhere except in the middle of the living room. I don't have those foam blocking mats. So, I may just be giving it to the recipient unblocked. Fortunately, however, the yarn is acrylic and easy to care for. I will be soaking it in fabric softener and running it through a hot wash to soften up the yarn when I have this thing done. My hope is that it will make it a bit more even in texture and softer on the skin. If I have to, I suppose I could kill the yarn but I don't know where I'll be ironing this thing out. Again, that whole lack of workspace business.
I have been working towards doing more with Keen. I still feel really nervous about talking to unfamiliar people but I am doing my best not to avoid it. Hopefully, I will manage to be more active now that life has settled down some. These last two weeks were just too chaotic for me to really get involved with that. It makes me dread the coming spring break and summer. I don't know how I am going to manage being more active on Keen with the kids home and running around. I am sure I'll think of something, but it makes me nervous.
I suppose that's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I have some housework to take care of, so I'll just wrap this up with one final thought. I really deeply appreciate how you have been so supportive over the last few weeks. Reminding me not to take everything so damn seriously is probably the biggest thing I appreciate. It's a bad habit that I just can't seem to shake yet. I am sure I will in time. But, thank you again for being my friend and helping out.
3/10/15
Letters to Loki # 15: Rambling.
Dear Crazy Uncle of Thor,
I'm not sure what to write this week. It has been a hard start because my maternal grandmother is in the hospital. I'm real worried about her. I'm trying not to perseverate on it all, but it keeps creeping up. In addition to being worried about her, I'm concerned for my mother. The stress of taking care of my paternal grandmother is wearing on her and my Dad. This business with her mom being in the hospital has to be making that another ten times worse.
I have been doing as Freyr strongly encouraged (understatement but I can't think of a better way to phrase it right now) and taking a break from working on books right now. It's sort of funny because I can't stop thinking about the books I could be working on. It is a little bit maddening but I know I'll get through it. I was excited to hear that someone who was loaned a copy of my fantasy book really wants to buy at least two copies. I'm still sticking with the plan that you and Freyr came up with. The limited run of the book with the last stage of 'draft' material in it is going to be coming to a close in a little while as I fix the cosmetic points and such. I know that you guys think this will make it something of a cult collectible but I'm not sure how well that will work out. Still, I'm sticking with the plan.
I have the shopping back of stuff to donate about a quarter of the way full. I don't think this skein of white yarn is ever going to end. I'm getting bored with it and tempted to just drop it and start on the colored one. I am a bit baffled, however, as to why the cuffs are coming out with some variation in the width of them. I do everything the same, keep the same tension on the yarn, and I know that there's no alteration in the number of stitches. It's just plain weird. And it only shows up after the mittens have sat for a few minutes. I am utterly confused by this development.
The only other thing I can think to add is why on earth do you insist that Fireball whiskey goes well with french vanilla coffee? I tried it and it was horrible. Seriously, I'm never doing that again. You can keep that version all for yourself. If I want to add a little booze to my french vanilla coffee, I'll just do a splash of vanilla liqueur.
I'm not sure what to write this week. It has been a hard start because my maternal grandmother is in the hospital. I'm real worried about her. I'm trying not to perseverate on it all, but it keeps creeping up. In addition to being worried about her, I'm concerned for my mother. The stress of taking care of my paternal grandmother is wearing on her and my Dad. This business with her mom being in the hospital has to be making that another ten times worse.
I have been doing as Freyr strongly encouraged (understatement but I can't think of a better way to phrase it right now) and taking a break from working on books right now. It's sort of funny because I can't stop thinking about the books I could be working on. It is a little bit maddening but I know I'll get through it. I was excited to hear that someone who was loaned a copy of my fantasy book really wants to buy at least two copies. I'm still sticking with the plan that you and Freyr came up with. The limited run of the book with the last stage of 'draft' material in it is going to be coming to a close in a little while as I fix the cosmetic points and such. I know that you guys think this will make it something of a cult collectible but I'm not sure how well that will work out. Still, I'm sticking with the plan.
I have the shopping back of stuff to donate about a quarter of the way full. I don't think this skein of white yarn is ever going to end. I'm getting bored with it and tempted to just drop it and start on the colored one. I am a bit baffled, however, as to why the cuffs are coming out with some variation in the width of them. I do everything the same, keep the same tension on the yarn, and I know that there's no alteration in the number of stitches. It's just plain weird. And it only shows up after the mittens have sat for a few minutes. I am utterly confused by this development.
The only other thing I can think to add is why on earth do you insist that Fireball whiskey goes well with french vanilla coffee? I tried it and it was horrible. Seriously, I'm never doing that again. You can keep that version all for yourself. If I want to add a little booze to my french vanilla coffee, I'll just do a splash of vanilla liqueur.
3/6/15
Devotional knitting in the near future?
Full Worm Moon (age: 15 days)
Sign: Virgo
Weather: Unseasonable cold, clear skies
Snow pack: 13 inches
(prev. measurement was estimates)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have started thinking about knitting another shawl as a devotional activity. I'm almost finished with a shawl I'm currently knitting for my sister-in-law. I saw this pattern and decided I had to do it for Freya. The fact that it is named for her is a happy coincidence.
I haven't decided what colors I want to use for it. I am leaning towards the blues and knitting it out of the silk that I have been spinning. I feel a bit intimidated by this because I have never really knitted lace before. I think, however, the only way to learn is by doing.
I have gotten back on track with my spring cleaning for Moura. While I haven't busted out the vacuum cleaner, I have most of the apartment clean right now. I also have gone through my mass of papers and tidied that up. I am hoping to get that manuscript out to my beta readers by the end of the weekend. I've been too busy and nervous about it to do so before now. But, I want to at least get it off to people to read it before I push to publish it. I have been refraining from working on any more big writing projects as per Freyr's directive.
It has oddly been enforced by way of coincidences getting in the way of it all. I suppose this may be part of the reason why I needed to take this breather. He has also been strongly pushing me to take the season of Moura as a time for rest and recovery. It makes me think that spring is going to be bringing some challenges. As it is the full moon, I am going to do a little observance of it with the kids. This time, I think we're going to try doing some kind of activity. I'm just not sure what it is going to be yet.
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