Blessings of the day.

New Harvest Moon (Age: 4 days)

Sign: Scorpio

Weather: partly cloudy skies, seasonable, humid

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In my recent depressive episode, I had a hard time seeing the blessings that surround me. As I write this, I see my children playing with my husband out in the front yard. I have a pantry and refrigerator full of food. We have clothes to wear and clean water to drink. We have a means to safely prepare our food and to dispose of the waste that we generate. When it is cold, we have warmth. When it is hot, we have an air conditioner and windows to open for a breeze.

My children are blessed with good health, as is my husband. While I am disabled, in most other ways I am healthy. My husband is thankfully employed and receives a paycheck that allows us to meet our needs, for the most part. We have a library and the wonders of the internet to bring us more knowledge then we can consume in our lives. There is music to listen to that we don't have to pay someone for or produce ourselves. We live as the very wealthy did in ages passed, if not better.

I am so deeply thankful for these things and so many more that I just can't put into words right now. My home is a place of peace and safety. The hand of Freyr has been extended over my family in kindness and shelter from the greater sorrows that afflict people around us. I lack the words to adequately express my gratitude for his blessing. Frith, harmony, health, and functional wealth all have come to us and these are blessings that I strive not to take for granted.

Hail to the Golden God! May he be ever praised and loved.

Wandering around in trance.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 25 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Partly cloudy, humid

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Earlier this evening, I was chatting with Njord's Wife and I told her a bit about a trance journey I did a few nights ago. I guess it was Saturday night before I went to bed that I did a trance journey to visit Odin, as per Loki's very strong urging. I found myself in a small room with a table that was almost too big for it sitting in the center and a large chair behind it. Odin was sitting in the chair dressed in blue jeans and a blue plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. On the table, there was a net of some kind, I think it was a fishing net, that he was working on repairing.

He looked up from his work and I suddenly got very self conscious. I basically tried to make myself completely unnoticeable, which was nonsensical because a.) you can't exactly hide from a god and b.) there was no where to hide. He looked up from his netting and said bluntly, "You have to stop this. You're better then that." I has the brilliant idea of attempting to argue that I wasn't worthy of his attention.

I stammered something about how I was just an ordinary human, a mere housewife of no consequence. Right after the words were out of my mouth, I felt a little sick with fear. I expected Odin to get angry with me for arguing with him. He surprised me. 

Odin gave an exasperated sigh, put down the netting, and gave me a stern look. He then told me to come sit down. The only chair in the room was his chair. I started to move to sit on the floor when he gave me an 'are you kidding me?' look and then patted beside himself on the chair. I went and sat down beside him. I had the curious feeling of being a little kid sitting beside a grown adult. This feeling only intensified as Odin put an arm around my shoulders and looked solemnly at me.

He then told me that I had to stop living in the past. I, being the genius I am at times, started to say that I wasn't living in the past. That was when Odin told me that all of my negative self talk was my reliving the past and that I had to stop doing it if I wanted to get any better. I felt kinda ashamed of myself when he said that. I had a hard time looking at him because of how ashamed I felt.

Then Odin gave me a bit more of a hug. He smiled at me and patted my right knee which was kinda against his. He told me that I was going to be alright and that I was loved by far more then I realized and that I had to start showing myself some of that love.

Odin exuded all of the good qualities of a father. It was as if I had all the warm memories of my Dad and Grandpa rolled into one with every other potential good experience of a parental figure at the same time. I didn't get any sense of anger or disappointment with me (which I was afraid of happening). Instead, I got the impression of pride, love, and fatherly concern. It makes me feel a bit foolish for being so afraid to approach him before now.

I also did a trance journey to visit with Mani for the first time since I was a child. I found myself in a night time grove of trees. A white chariot/cart with black windows was off on one side. Two white horses were cropping the grass nearby. Mani was sitting on the lip of a well at the center of the grove, holding a white bow in his left hand, unstrung. He smiled at me as though I was an old friend.

I apologized for not coming back to see him and he waved my apology off. He said that my pointed observance of the moon was enough when I had so much going on. He laughed when I voiced some concern and confusion at his presence when I knew that the moon was up and on its way through the sky. Again, there was amusement as my attempting to apply the logic of Midgard to deities. Mani seemed to find this adorable, as he declared it was cute of me attempting to do so and then reminding me that gods are not as limited as humans and the other occupants of Midgard.

Rambling update and such.

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Partly Cloudy, seasonably mild

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The last few weeks have been rather rough on me. I've been struggling with my bipolar, namely with the depressive aspect of it, for a while now. It has sapped so much of the strength out of me that it makes engaging in ritual of any sort difficult. I also have the challenge of having two little boys running wild all over the place. School starts in a little over two weeks. I am anticipating holding a small blót for the blessing of my children as they embark on a new school year.

I have been having a hard time finding time to do more then write in my prayer journal. Even that has been difficult to do. I feel as though I'm failing to meet my obligation to the gods by not engaging in active worship practices every day. I, however, have gotten the distinct impression from the gods that the one putting the onus on my shoulders is myself, not them. If anything, they have been admonishing me to be more understanding with myself and focus on doing what I can within my limitations, rather then forcing myself to do as I would if I was perfectly fine.

I have been doing regular trance journeys to just be with Freyr for a little while now. Usually, the trance journey has me meeting him in a field at the edge of a forest. We walk in the forest and I tell him about my day and what I have on my mind. He seems to be pleased with this effort. I still worry that I am engaging in fantasizing and dealing with sock puppets of my mind. Freyr's response to this concern has ranged from bemusement to mild exasperation to pity. Of the three responses, it is the pity one that upsets me.

It deeply troubles me to think that anyone, especially a deity, pities me. I have been raised to see pity as something for the weak and wretched. I try to put that life lesson to the side but it has been very challenging to do so. Freyr seems to be of the mind that I should learn to accept that pity is not a bad thing, nor is mercy, when it is directed at me.

At Loki's behest, I did a trance journey to visit Odin. It was awkward. Mostly, I was the one having difficulty. Odin seemed very confused with my tendency to be so harsh with myself and yet so compassionate with others. He also seemed disappointed with the fact that this is my 'default' way to treat myself. Odin has given me some work to do and sternly demanded that I continue to give full effort on my psychotherapy and related work. 

 

Among the things that Odin has directed me to do is learn more about runes, bindrunes, and galdr. He is of the opinion that I am not fully utilizing my gifts and that I will make a great deal more progress in pretty much all areas if I focus on these things. I find it interesting that Odin has given me the directive to learn about bindrunes and Loki has nudged (if you count shoving with both hands and full force a nudge) me to resume work on sigils. I have a little notebook where I have a few things about sigils written in it. I suppose it is time for me to break that out and work on it again.

With the increasingly powerful presence of the Norse gods (mainly the Vanir and the Aesir), I am finding myself discontented with my altar. The statuettes that I used to represent the Wiccan God and Goddess (a figure of Buddha and Kwan Yin) feel completely disconnected from what I am working with now. The Kwan Yin figure sort of works for my dealings with Dea in the aspect of the Daughter but I have a statuette that resonates more strongly with that front. I want to acquire figurines or something else that can serve as a meditative focus and icon for the Norse gods but everything that I look at is terribly expensive.

I am half tempted to use some salt clay and make some figurines but I know that my skills in figure making are severely lacking. I can do the equivalent of stick figures in clay. I've tried asking the gods what I should do and they merely smile at my desire to have depictions of them and give no direction. It is somewhat upsetting for me because I am at a complete loss for how to proceed. I see figures that I like on the crafting group I'm apart of but I'm afraid to attempt to barter with the creators because they are making things that would be worth several hundreds of dollars and my little things are no where near that.

I don't know what I am going to do on that front. Loki admonishes me to be patient and that what I need will come to me. I've a prayer card for Mani. It is breathtaking and looks exactly like how he did when he appeared to me when I was a child and struggling with nightmares. I have it sitting on my altar beside a little travel shrine I made for Freyr and a glass jar with an ear of wheat in it. I am going to do my best to let the items come to me in their own time. Either the funds to acquire the figurines will come to me or something that I can use for a devotional focus will find its way to me. 

 

I'm trying not to be impatient. But I don't know what to do with the other statuettes. I have a green jade statuette of Buddha that I don't know what to do with it either. I am confident that it needs to go to a good home, I just don't know who or where it is to go.

A vision of Death.

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 4 days)

Sign: Libra

Weather: Fair skies, seasonably warm

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Dramatic blog title for the win? I did have a vision recently. And said vision did involve death. It was not, however, a warning of impending doom or something like that. (I feel like I need to capitalize DOOM and put blinking lights around it or something for full effect. Anyways...) I know that what I saw was important and necessary. I just am confused as to what my role in it all is. I talked with Njordswife about it and she guesses that it may be a notice from the gods that I have some major changing to do. I don't know if that's accurate or not. We were both kinda pulling straws and trying to guess what looked almost accurate. 

I've been trying to make sense of this for a little over two weeks now. I keep coming back to the same two questions. Why was I witnessing it and what am I supposed to do with the cup full of blood? But I am getting ahead of myself. Lets first take a moment to describe the vision in its entirety. Who knows, maybe somebody who is better at this stuff then I am can tell me what I'm missing here. I'm pretty sure it's something obvious that I'm missing and once it is pointed out I'll feel like a dunce for missing it. It seems to be my track record of late.

I was standing in a field of harvested wheat with a crowd of others. Before us was a sheaf's worth of wheat waiting to be cut. To the left of the wheat stood Freyr and Nerthus/Jord (it is my understanding that Nerthus and Jord are the same and that she is his mother). I was standing towards the front of the group, who were all quite happy and in a celebratory mood. Freyr and his mother were both a bit more reserved and solemn. Skírnir was standing to my right. He was also solemn. 

He said to me that I could leave. That they wouldn't fault me for my 'modern sensibilities.' I had the distinct feeling that it was better that I stay and make it through what ever was coming, and I had my suspicions that it was some form of ritual slaying because it was the beginning of harvest. I replied that I would stay and that I understood that life feeds on life. This apparently was a good answer because Freyr smiled at that.

Skírnir guided me to the front of the group so that I was standing directly infront of Freyr. A silver cup that was engraved with scenes of the agricultural year and of the life cycle of wheat was put into my hands. I knew, somehow, that I was to hold it up. Then with out warning, Nerthus slit Freyr's throat open in a right to left gesture with a sickle. Arterial blood sprayed everywhere. A good amount of it hit me and somehow filled the cup. 

As Freyr was bleeding, he looked at me with that warm smile of approval on his face. And then... Well, it makes me feel a bit cold and creeped out to think of it, but I watched the light go out of his eyes. He collapsed to the ground and his corpse melted into the earth. Wheat sprung up where his body had been and progressed through its life cycle to ripeness in a matter of moments.

The celebrants grew louder and more excited in their song and mannerisms. Someone, I don't think it was Skírnir, clapped me on the shoulders and declared it to be a good omen that I had gotten so much blood on me. That was the last image of the vision, a tall man with straw colored hair and a very full beard with a wide grin looking at me like he was so happy he was about to burst into song.

I've been thinking about it. Freyr's blood on me brings to mind the Christian rite of baptism. And the cup of blood and wheat makes me think of the Christian rite of the Eucharist. I don't know if I am looking at this the right way, though. I don't understand why I was there to witness it. I don't understand why I was to hold the cup and catch his blood. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with that proverbial cup.

Since that vision, I have had a few dreams of that cup. I've seen it sitting at a table with an empty plate and a broken knife. I think that would be Hel's hall. I've also seen it sitting on a stone altar that is covered with a white cloth. Beside it is a loaf of bread, a crock of butter, and a dish of honey. I know these things are connected, I just can't mange to figure out how. I don't know why I am dreaming of this cup. I am increasingly convinced if this cup doesn't exist, it needs to. It looks like a kiddush cup.

I don't know what to make of this. But it keeps rattling around in my head. And since it is Lammas eve, I might as well post this now. Fortuitous timing and all that. Oh, one other thing to note, that vision came the day that one of the farmers around here started harvesting his wheat.

Message recieved, Boss.

New Corn Moon (age: 1 day)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Seasonably warm, fair skies

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To use the phrasing of my larp character who is an avowed priestess of Loki, 'Message received, Boss.' I was just derping around on the interwebz when I found myself finding my way back to the same web page as a result of clicking random links. It was an upfront and obvious thing to have this thrust into my face four times by way of random links.

I had been struggling with some measure of anxiety that I was approaching this whole business of being a follower of the Northern European gods. I made the mistake of reading blogs of some other people who are practicing pagans and found myself feeling like I was coming up short. As a result, I started to perseverate and worry that I was doing all of this wrong. I sat there and questioned if the Aseir, Vanir, and Jotnar would be offended by my involvement with Dea. I then found myself running in proverbial circles, half convinced that I was obviously doing something wrong because what I am doing is so different from what a bunch of others are.

Then Loki broke out the clue-by-four and thumped me with it. (In all honesty, I am thankful that it was a gentle tap on the head this time. Maybe this means that I'm starting to 'get' it.) It is ironic because the message here was much the same as the one that I had conveyed to a dear friend who is struggling with her own spiritual path with Loki. I'm pretty sure that Loki facepalmed at my having issues over this on the immediate heels of passing that message on (in cosmic time, because the actual message incident was a few weeks ago).

The message that I came away with from that post (and I have just read it for a fifth time to confirm what I was getting out of it) was this: trust what the gods are showing you. Their resounding silence on the matter of my involvment with Dea is not condemnation. I haven't gotten any signs that suggest that they're even mildly annoyed with this weird business that I've got going on. I suppose that the gods are more magnanimous then I was willing to admit. 

I feel a bit chagrined to note that. Loki, however, doesn't tolerate self deception in his people. He even has given me a nudge in the direction of Odin and Freyr, which suggests that he doesn't want to keep me all to himself. I get the distinct impression that he is amused by my concerns that things were going to be that way between us. I've been stumbling over my own two feet and running myself around in circles of late. Loki is now pointing to me the way to get out of this metaphysical loop that I got myself stuck in.

After my prayers asking for some kind of a sign for how to start making forward progress again, I am thankful for this message. A part of me feels like the fool who couldn't see the forest for the trees but I suppose we all have times where it happens to us. Loki seems willing to let me try on the role of being his priestess via this larp character. I'm still not decided on this because I don't feel qualified for it. Honestly, I don't feel qualified for most of the stuff that the gods have put infront of me.

Loki, however, is nudging me out of the nest. I'm just going to have to take it on faith that I can fly with these proverbial wings. And if I fall, that someone will catch me. I get that there is no question of failure here beyond the failure to make the attempt. So, like I said, message received.

Still plugging away.

Waning Thunder Moon (age: 16 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Humid, seasonably warm

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I have nothing of note really to post this evening. I had planned to do a small ritual for the full moon and then life happened. I've been struggling with depression for a little while now. It has made it hard for me to keep up on my daily devotions and my responsibilities around the home. I pray every day to the gods but right now I just don't feel their presence. It is very discouraging to feel this way.

I tell myself that it will pass, like it does every month, but it is still gut wrenching. I suppose the hardest part about being depressed right now is the fact that I have so very many reasons not to be depressed. The weather is nice. I have some strawberries growing in the planter that are just now getting ripe. The black raspberries are getting ripe, so I will have some to harvest very soon. Last Tuesday, I cleaned up my altar space and put down a runner that I love. I then placed out some offerings to the gods, including the first of the strawberries that are off my little plant and a cutting of mint from my prolific plant on the back deck.

It felt like a hollow gesture. A part of me says that I am just spinning my wheels when I pray or lay out offerings right now. I know it is my depression talking. It doesn't make it any easier to bear. As hard as it is to do what little I can in observances right now, I am still going to make the effort. I don't want to fall out of the habit of reaching towards the gods because it will be that much harder to resume the practice later.

Devotional vs theraputic writing? (and other rambling)

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 2 days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: humid, partly cloudy,

intermittent t-storms

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So, I have been praying to Freyr a lot over the last several weeks. Every night for about a month now, maybe a little longer, before I go to sleep, I spiritwalk to him. Usually, it's just my being in his company. Sometimes, though, we talk. I've expressed to him several times the fact that I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. His responses have ranged from bemusement to something stern. When he is bemused, he ruffles my hair and comments on my being an 'over-achiever'. It's not exactly a fatherly response but I don't know how else to describe it. When he has been stern, he firmly reminds me to respect my limitations and be more reasonable with my expectations of myself.

As my moods have cycled, I find myself struggling with the writing he wants me to do. At first, I thought it was something like erotic writing that he wanted from me. That was what I was working on the first time he mentioned that he wanted me to write for him. I have been struggling to write that kind of stuff for a little while now, however. Then he said that he didn't care what I wrote so long as I did it for him. So, I decided to apply my last Camp NaNoWriMo effort to be in his honor. Due to a combination of factors, I discovered that I couldn't put in the time I wanted to on that project and I wasn't able to finish it by the end of that session. I was feeling somewhat dejected about it when he told me that it didn't matter what I wrote.

So, I started a prayer journal. Then life got busy and I made the mistake of putting it in a safe place. I didn't find it until about a month and a half later. In the meantime, I was engaged in the grueling task of doing my therapy journaling. I had days where I really just didn't want to look at the bloody book. I made myself do it. On the days where it was particularly hard for me to do, I dedicated my efforts to Freyr (who has been quietly encouraging me to push forward on all stuff focused on improving my health). As a result, however, it turned out that most of the writing that I have been doing and dedicating to Freyr has been focused on resolving past psychological trauma or managing my disability. 

I was talking with another Lokiswoman last week. I mentioned that I felt poorly that my written offerings had comprised mostly of my engaging in what a friend of mine coined as 'trauma-vomit'. My friend pointed out that the fact that I was working to improve myself and the fact that what I was doing required considerable effort made it valuable, more so then any unpleasantness might of detracted from it. I've been mulling that over for the last week. I can not say that the writing I have been doing in Freyr's honor has been easy. It has actually been really hard to do.

She pointed out that if Freyr wants to be intimately involved in my life, he wants to see all parts of it. She then reminded me that it really wasn't fair of me to try to just share the 'good' things. I felt a touch ashamed when she mentioned that. I was still reeling from this when I unearthed my prayer journal in the midst of cleaning the kitchen. (I swear, I have lost and found more things in my kitchen then anywhere else. It's like it has a bag of holding somewhere that randomly eats and disgorges things.) This morning, I sat down with my prayer journal and wrote up an entry, where I mentioned this concern that the trauma writing wasn't a fitting offering.

I was then gently, but firmly, redirected to consider the virtue of 'small things'. The abrupt sea change in topic kinda took me by surprise. As I re-read what I wrote, I discovered that there was an underlying theme beneath it. Part of it was that I was struggling with psychological stuff, again. Part of it was that every act of devotion that I take is valued, no matter how I feel about it. I think that it was quite possible that Freyr took over the pen for a few moments because there were things written down there that I didn't recall writing.

It's hard for me to keep in mind that devotional activities don't require special tools, rituals, or mood. It's rather ironic, actually, that I am struggling with this stuff after my most recent post on my other religion blog. It's hard for me because I really want to give the best of what I have and what I can do to the gods. And with how much Freyr has been showing ... attention and affection towards me, I feel like I need to do twice as well and twice as much because the stakes are higher.

I'm realizing, however, that what is driving me to push myself so hard is fear. I am beginning to accept that Freyr loves me. I don't understand it. This is different from how Loki loves me. It is more like how my husband loves me. And I am afraid that if I don't always put forth a positive and happy face, that Freyr will decide that I'm not worth loving. I feel ashamed of that fear. It speaks of distrust in Freyr. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. I don't want to be afraid of him or this... this awkward feeling that I have for him.

I dare say that I am coming to possibly love him too. It frightens me and I often question my sanity. The hardest part about all of this is that there is no physical person to sit down and talk this stuff out with. Some days I wish that I could sit down with someone who would horse Freyr for ten or fifteen minutes, so that I can get reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Of course, when ever I express my fear that I am going crazy, Loki just laughs and says cheerfully 'yer already there, kid.' I get torn between exasperation with that statement and a measure of depression. (I confess, I have flipped Loki the bird a few times when he's said that. He's either laughed at me or made a rude gesture back when I've done it. It's a gesture of affection between us. As blasphemous it might be.)

I've been reading about what other people have to say about UPG and discernment. It's reassuring to hear/read that I am on the right track. It is comforting find others having had similar experiences. And when I have gotten psychic readings from people who weren't intimately involved with the situation, I have gotten 'hits' on things that have been getting told to me by the gods. There is a mounting pile of evidence that this whole thing between Freyr and I is genuinely real, not just wish fulfillment. 

So, why do I get so anxious about it? I think it's tied to my psychological challenges. I have days where I get anxious that Beloved will get fed up with me and my issues. I have days where I feel like I can only show positive and happy things to the people who are closest to me, or they'll abandon me. (It's a particularly awful feeling when it hits with respect to the kids.) I've been struggling a lot with my psychiatric stuff. Coming to the realization that I am disabled has been really hard to bear. I wish I could say that I am moving serenely through this with peace, love, and compassion towards myself and the universe. 

The reality is, it has been ugly, hard, and exhausting. Part of the reason why I haven't been posting on here is because I get depressed and I all but give up on my writing. I also have times where I just feel sick to death with being sick. For a long while, my escape was into writing fiction. I am finding, however, that is not working for me. It seems like the only thing I can do is write stuff that some how comes back to my disability. (This post is a great example.) I also tried to escape into spiritual stuff. That escape has completely backfired. The deeper I go into my spiritual side of life, the more I find myself working on my psychiatric challenges. I think the gods are behind that. (I'm looking at you, Loki and Odin.)

I am struggling. I want to say that I am hopeful that I will come out of this experience healed and healthy. I don't know if I will be 'healed' from my disability. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel so disgusted and horrified by what I see. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and not be fearful of nightmares. (The spiritwalking to be with Freyr has helped with that quite a bit. I think it's why he tolerates it so much.) I know that the way I am when I am hypomanic is not healthy. At the same time, I can't help but want to feel that optimisim and sense of boundless joy more in my life. I spend more time depressed and anxious then anything else. And, I'm sick of feeling that way.

I'm not sure what more to add right now. That's basically what's up in my neck of the woods (aside from the chaos of the kids being on summer break and us having money problems). I didn't really do anything special for Litha/Midsummer/Rosea Mundi. I spend the day enjoying my time with my family and then the evening enjoying my time with my friends. I've been burning a special rose scented candle for the gods. Loki's been more amused with the floral scented candle then annoyed with the lack of pie scented stuff. Now that the Tiger Lilies are blooming, I'll have fresh flowers for my altar and my outdoor shrine to Dea soon. I am going to take some time over the next week to clean up my altar space and make it look more 'pretty'. 

I've been looking at the pictures of other people's altars. It's like Pinterest and the pagan blogs had a baby and the result is what I have been seeing on Facebook of late. I don't know if I'll be taking a picture of it or not. I need to change some things with it, however, because it doesn't accurately reflect what I am doing now. I have commissioned a statue of Freyr from a friend of mine. (I'm paying her in handspun yarn, which she may nor may not expect. If she is reading this, I've just outed myself on this intent. LOL)

I'd like to have a statue of Loki for the altar but I can't afford to buy the ones that I've seen. I have been seriously thinking about finding a masculine Jester figure. If I could, I'd find one that looked a bit ... ominous. Because even when Loki is joking, there's that rumble of darkness behind it. Oddly enough, I find it comforting that Loki has that to him. It's like the Happy Fun Ball or something. Though, I would be the person to taunt the Happy Fun Ball and poke it with a stick. I also want something for Odin, though I'm still taking proverbial baby steps on that front.

Walking Forward.

Waning Rose Moon (25 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Mild, fair skies

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I have started the process of my part of this dance that Freyr and I are engaged in. Yesterday, I made a point of spending time on things I enjoyed and being social with friends. Today, I took time to attend to working on improving my health. I feel a touch foolish doing these things as devotional activities but as a fellow Lokean pointed out, devotional activities are things that are supposed to improve us.

I have been doing a lot more writing relating to my psychological difficulties. As this has been challenging for me to do, I feel a little less uncomfortable offering it up to Freyr. He had told me to write and did not tell me what to write. While I try to do the happier, more erotic writing for him, the daily grind of my therapy journaling has been making up the bulk of what I have been writing.

I felt his presence very strongly yesterday afternoon as I was driving out to Buffalo and back home. On the way there, it was just a very companionable presence. It was as though we were literally just taking a drive together and enjoying the countryside. On the way home, he spoke to me. I was told how I needed to stop censoring myself in my writing and to continue making my health a priority. He also expressed that when I was engaged in devotional activity for him, that he wanted my hair to be unbound.

It was a little bit awkward when he stated that. I have my prohibition from Dea to cover my hair around people who would potentially disrespect me. I'm not sure how I am going to observe that and manage to fulfill this new task from Freyr. It feels a bit awkward to have my hair unbound beneath the tichels that I wear. I wonder if this means I should start using a different style of headcovering now.

What on Earth do I think I am doing?

Waning Rose Moon (19 days old)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: humid, seasonably warm,

partly cloudy

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I think I've lost my blessed mind. I feel like perhaps this business of Freyr being interested in me as a potential spouse might actually be something I am called towards. The thing that had the scales tip in that favor was how he was constantly present over the last few days when I was dealing with a hypomanic episode. Freyr was quietly there helping me not to go on a mad cleaning binge in the middle of the night and restrain my wilder impulses. The thing that was amusingly ironic was that the fertility deity quietly but firmly said 'no, you're not healthy enough for it.' when I batted out there the possibility of some form of an intimate encounter between him and I.

People make fertility deities out to be up for sex of any flavor at all times and anytime. Freyr and his firm denial the other night showed me this stereotype is not the case. I'm not sure what this business means, though. It occurs to me that it has been approximately two years now that he has been 'courting' me. I find myself stumbling along feeling terribly confused more often then not.

Where Dea made things clear and the work she set before me is such that I can proceed with some sense of knowing what in Hel's name I am doing, this thing between Freyr and I confuses me. I am finding that confusion to be a frightening place. I struggle with my disability and find Freyr patiently standing at my side through it all. I struggle with anxiety over things like how to manage finances, and Freyr is quietly reassuring me that things will indeed get better as time goes on. While he has not scolded me, he has called me to task when I let my anxiety and fears get the better of me.

On the whole, he has been a loving, compassionate, and helpful presence in my life. It seems notable that Loki regularly prods me to get over my self-consciousness with regards to Freyr. I pray to them on a regular basis, though much of my prayer to Freyr is a mumbling 'um, hi. thank you for being here for me.' because I get tongue-tied. It is very frustrating when the words just fail me and he is so very ... attentive to what I want to say.

The interesting thing is, I think he knows what I try to say and is willing to let me struggle with how to say it because it's better for me to get the words out rather then just rely on his greater knowledge of the situation. I'm not going to go so far as to say that I am a godspouse. Freyr and Loki generally laugh at me when I say I don't know enough to be one. I haven't pledged myself to Freyr in that fashion. My fear of failure to meet what ever duties come with that kind of oath is what stops me. Freyr is of the opinion that I'll get over it soon enough.

Little things like random stalks of wheat growing next to the mailbox where there was only grass before and a Viceroy butterfly flitting about my head tells me that he is with me. I try to keep up with my little offerings and efforts. It doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm attempting to tread water where I can't reach the bottom. It is a very unnerving feeling. I catch myself fearing that all of this will be too much and that I am perhaps losing my mind. And then the gods nudge reminders that all of this truly is real into my path.

Herbalism: Vanilla Tincture.

Waxing Rose Moon (6 days old)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, mildly humid

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It has been too long since I have posted in here. To get back into the habit, I am posting the recipe for the vanilla tincture that I made recently. I have used it as the base of a perfume, for which I'll give the recipe later. It is probably one of the easiest things I have made in ages. I learned how to do this from my Mom, who had the instructions in one of her recipe books.

Magically speaking, this tincture can make an excellent component in love spells, as vanilla is an aphrodisiac. It can also be useful in home blessing spells, for vanilla is a spice associated with sweetness and positive energy. The tincture is one that can be drunk and otherwise consumed in food. It can be used in place of vanilla extract in recipes, the ratio is 1:1.

To prepare the tincture, one must first acquire a bottle of high proof alcohol. I use a 1 liter bottle of vodka. I then take a vanilla pod and split it in half. I do not scrape the seeds out but I will break the pod up into several pieces. These are then placed into the bottle of alcohol. The tincture is then allowed to infuse for at least two weeks. Once the tincture has turned a rich golden color, it is ready for use. Transfer the tincture to another clean bottle for storage, making sure it is well labeled and stored away from light or heat.

If one has access to amber colored bottles, it is good to use them for storing tinctures and other preparations because the tinted glass will reduce the effect that light has upon the chemical compounds of the tincture. It acts like a pair of sunglasses on the bottle. Light will break up the compounds in the tincture, making it less effective as time goes on and it is exposed.

What have the Gods done for me?

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Warm, fair skies, flood 

watch due to snow melt

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The lovely and admirable Galina Krasskrova posted a series of questions on her blog at her website. In an effort to post more frequently on here, I will be using these questions as blog prompts. There may be some cross posting between this blog and Veiled Witch. It is my hope to be updating according to the moon phase. Right now, however, I wanted to make up for a bit of lost time by posting today. Another post will come on the full moon as well.

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What wealth have the divinities brought into your life?

Oh my goodness, I have no idea where to begin answering this question. Pretty much all of the good that has come into my life has been either the direct fruit of the work of the Gods or something I have done as a result of their urgings. I think the first of all the list to come to mind is my very life. I was in a terrible relationship in high school. The young man in question was physically and emotionally abusive. After an incident where he had raped me, I missed my period. Looking back on all of that now and what happened to my body, I now realize that I was pregnant.

The God took me into his arms a short time after I realized this and I miscarried. This miscarriage happened at the same time I realized that I could not stay with this young man (whom had asked me to marry him and planned on giving me an engagement ring when he came home from basic training for service in the Navy) because he was going to kill me some day. The abuse continued to escalate with him as time went on, you see, it started out with comments and then progressed to sexual abuse. And then the sexual abuse began to include things like him threatening me with a hunting knife and telling me that he was going to carve me up if I left him.

I honestly believe that this realization and miscarriage saved my life. I am most sincerely certain that they were a result of the Gods actions in my life. Additionally, I believe that their intervention is why I graduated college. I had an exam for a class that I was in danger of failing that I needed to pass in order to graduate. A freak hailstorm happened at the time I was working on my exam. I then found out later that I not only passed the class (which I had assumed had to have been by the skin of my teeth when my professor announced this to me) but that I had passed the exam with a perfect score.

I also attribute the fact that my little book has been successful to the Gods as well. It was at their encouragement that I wrote it. It was also as fulfillment of a promise that I published it. To not only have learned that my little book has been helpful to others but that it has been cited in scholarly material, it has left me completely astounded and profoundly grateful.

Storytime with Loki

Waxing Sap Moon (Age: 4 Days)

 Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cloudy, intermittent light snow,

seasonable temps

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So, Loki told me a story today. It involves him, Bragi, and Sága. Here's the story, who knows how it will be viewed by the community at large.
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There once was a skald with a terrible problem stuttering. His problem was so severe it threatened to rob him of his livelihood. In deep anguish, the skald turned to the gods and begged them for aid. First he went to Sága. Sága took honey and put it upon his lips. The skald went about his work and found that his stutter remained.

The skald went to Bragi and begged him for help. Bragi caught and gave him the blood of nine songbirds to drink. The skald went about his work. Much to his despair, the stutter continued.

In desperation, the skald called upon Loki. Loki came to him in his home. He took up a hot coal from the fire and pressed it to the skald's lips. The sklad jumped up with a shout and demanded to know why Loki harmed him. And then he realized, much to his amazement, his stutter was gone. And that stutter remained gone for the rest of his life.

On Kitchen Witchery.

Southern Fried Witch had a blog post that a friend of mine linked to on FB. I read it and at first I was amused. But something about it troubled me. As I read it again, that unsettled feeling deepened and then I realized I was starting to get angry. I've been thinking about it and I think I figured out just what about this makes me angry. It's two things here.

The first is the implication that if you use anything other then what great-gramma did, you're not a real kitchen witch. Boxed dinner and kitchen appliances are forbidden from the menu of a real kitchen witch, if you go by what this person has posted. I suppose it makes everything better by how they prefaced this with 'in our tradition' but I'm still hopping mad.

Great-gramma would look at you as though you've lost your bleeding mind if decided to forgo the use of a crock pot. She would be ready to either laugh you out the door or possibly whup you with that wooden spoon you're so fond of if you tried to say that time saving devices like a breadmaker were bad. She might agree with you on the boxed dinner front but this other business, she would be mad at you for being a fool.

It's nice and such that Southern Fried Witch won't stoop to buying chicken stock. It's real nice that they even raise their own chickens and I assume slaughter them as well. Who knows, maybe they even use the pinfeathers to make their own pillows. That's neither here nor there. Products like chicken stock don't make you less of a kitchen witch. Boxed dinners don't either.

You go back about a hundred years and you'll find that those people that Southern Fried Witch are holding up as the gold standard of domesticity (and therefore of proper kitchen witch behavior) would have considered giving their eye teeth for the technology and conveniences we have today. We live in an age where we're blessed with things like microwaves and refrigerators. Our stoves are vastly superior to the ovens of the past and not just on the basis of how quickly they heat up. They're a lot safer.

When was the last time you heard of somebody catching on fire while cooking dinner? It's not that common. It's actually really uncommon. There's a reason for that. Modern technology is a lot safer then what was used in the 'good ol' days'. You don't need to stick your hand in the oven to check if it is hot enough for your baking. You don't have to question if your food is going to spoil before you get to use it on the off chance that a hot day makes the ice in the icebox melt faster.

And let's not forget the wonders that we have outside of the kitchen. Want to get those fabrics nice and white? Well, you can either bleach them out in the sun which takes a lot of time or use bleach. What about cleaning up the home? That right there can be a major act of magic. Vacuum cleaners are wonderful things, as are laundry machines and dryers. Do you want to give those up or sneer at people who stoop to using those devices because they're not 'real' enough for you?

For some kitchen witches, there isn't the time to make that homemade chicken stock. Some of us have small children and tight schedules that require we use those newfangled modern things that Southern Fried Witch would look down their nose at us for. It doesn't make us inferior. It just means that we have different lives and different constraints we're working in. What Southern Fried Witch fails to recognize is the privilege that they have in being able to raise their own chickens and cook lots of stuff from scratch.

It is not as easy as they make it sound to own chickens and mind the house. I grew up in a home that we did that sort of stuff. Lots of people don't live where they have the luxury of being able to own a pet, let alone some sort of livestock, like chickens. It's not because they are lazy. In some cases, it is because that's what they have to do to afford where they live. In some cases, it is because they don't have the means to support a pet or the knowledge to even keep fairly simple (in the grand scheme of things) livestock like chickens. Southern Fried Witch is casting stones at people that they have no grounds to do so because they don't know what those people are living with.

And that is shameful. I'm pretty sure that great-gramma would pin Southern Fried Witch's ears back for that. By the way, speaking of shameful, the fact that Southern Fried Witch tacks on at the end of their post that they've put out a book followed by a backhanded insult to the people who would read said book is repulsive. When you spend a full blog post talking about how people who depend upon books for their knowledge basis are inferior kitchen witches (or inferior witches at large), you give up the right to advertise and solicit customers for your book. You don't piss on your readers and then expect them to step up and shell out their hard earned cash. It doesn't work that way.

I am beyond disgusted. I am beyond disappointed. I will confess, I am damn near livid over this. I hadn't heard of Southern Fried Witch before now. If I had stumbled on to the blog before now and never seen this garbage, I'd probably read the blog and even look for new interesting recipes. This, however, is something that I can't condone.

I am a family tradition based kitchen witch. One of the things that my tradition taught me was you catch more flies with honey then you do vinegar. Treat the readers with respect. If you can't walk a mile in somebody else's shoes then at least give them the benefit of a doubt until they have proven otherwise. Last time I checked, the culture of the South encouraged a measure of civility and grace. Southern Fried Witch failed to exhibit that. This Yankee is pointing that out and encouraging everybody else to give them wide berth. 

That awkward moment...

That awkward moment when you realize that you fall down on the hard polytheist side of the ledger rather then the soft polytheist or soft-ish side.

I now understand why the deities have been so amused with me of late. I have been struggling with this idea of soft versus hard polytheism. At one point, I even was questioning my spiritual path. And then I had this startling realization, the gods are truly unique and separate beings from each other. This makes the whole matter of Dea even more confusing, I confess. It was the question of if a person has multiple personalities, are they a single person or multiple people sharing a body that did it.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the multiple personality question really couldn't apply to deities. Or should I say, the 'multiple people sharing a body' thing couldn't apply. Because I have had experiences where more then one deity interacted with me at the same time. I don't think that works for people with DID/MPD. That single body thing constrains interaction to a 'one at a time' kind of thing, from what I've been able to figure out by my research. Soft polytheism takes the concept of deity and turns it into a multiple persons in one body situation.

But, having deities manifest at the same time and doing entirely different things at the same time shows that they're not sharing a 'body'. The Divine Mother confuses me. That confusion, I confess, has me a bit anxious and running in proverbial circles at the moment. I'm sure it will clear itself up.

I know that she has work for me to do. It will be a case where she will give me what I need to do it and I think part of that will be information that will help with this confusion. The gods are generous like that.

How to contact Loki?

Full Snow Moon (Age: 14 Days)

Sign: Leo

Weather: Cloudy, remnants of winter
storm Pax moving out
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 An anonymous reader posted the following last week: I have a question. you see, Loki has been my one true love...for many years. I talk to him all the time, ALL THE TIME! I would die to hear him, to get some sage advice and a pat on the head. is there some way you can reach out to me, and maybe lend a hand. I would love it. Thank you. on Hail Flame Hair! Hail Scar Lip! Hail Loki!

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First, thank you, my friend, for reading my blog. It is always delightful to hear from the folks who read this. I hope that you are enjoying my efforts.

Now, let's get to the meat of your question. How does one receive communication from the gods? There's this idea floating around the pagan community of the 'godphone' wherein people will automatically hear a response back from the deities as though they would talking to another physical person.

While some folks, like myself may have the gift of hearing the gods reply back to them, it is more common that the gods communicate with us by way of signs. It may not be as dramatic as the proverbial burning bush, it may be things as simple as a particularly well timed bit of aid from an unexpected source or as complex as having random snippets of conversation overheard match what would be their side of your mental conversation.

Much of my communication with Loki comes by way of a mixture of these signs and what I suppose you could call spirituality based audio/visual hallucinations. It took me years to reach the point where I had enough awareness of my own thoughts that I could distinguish the difference between myself and something 'other'. Where the audio hallucinations that I have during depressive episode induced psychosis are always the same (and with the medication that I am currently on, I haven't had any in a while) the spiritual contact ones are different. They change from each incident.

Additionally, when I concentrate on something else, they don't have occasions where they go quiet with sufficient effort. Between this and the fact that I am on a fairly high dosage of antipsychotics, I can't help but reason that my spiritual contact hallucinations are genuine manifestations of deity. When I have times where I am not sure if what my spiritual contact hallucinations are informing me of, I use divination (the study of signs) to confirm and clarify.

It is good to keep a record of your divination efforts and note down themes that come up when you are reading on the matter of divine contact. Just the same, it is equally vital to note recurrent events that are too full of synchronicity to be purely random. A dear friend of mine, another Lokiswoman, had a message delivered literally by having books falling on her head. Another associate had items in her home randomly get moved from where she placed them to her altar when no human hand had touched them.

If you wish to consider divination, pyromancy (also known as fire gazing) may be one to attempt. Loki is a fire deity and this would be a medium that he would very easily use to communicate. Most importantly, this would be a medium that you would find very easy to associate with him.

Building up a strong association between a method of contact and the deity you wish to communicate with helps facilitate that contact. If you are going to engage in pyromancy, keep a notebook handy. Watch the flames for images that form in them. Note them down and then interpret them like you would a dream. If pyromancy is not the method you wish to use, another technique that is very strongly associated with the Norse deities is rune reading.

There are many, many methods of reading runes. Some one who is new to rune reading may find a great deal of information available on the internet. Consider each rune that you pull individually and note down what you determine for each. Then consider the collection of them as a whole. As with other forms of divination, you are looking for distinct patterns in the signs and common themes between the readings.

If you do not have divination tools in your home, consider either contacting someone for a reading (I do them part time via Keen.) or using one of the free sites available.

It is very good that you have an active prayer life. This means that some of the work for communication with Loki is already done. Now, all you have to do is figure out the way that he is responding back. I assure you, he does respond to us when we pray (as to all gods). Sometimes the answer is a non-answer. Sometimes the answer is profound. And there are times where they respond with something that seems completely unrelated to the matter until it becomes clear after the fact that it makes a lot of sense.

Wait... what?

Moon: Waxing Snow (Age: 5 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cloudy, winter storm warning 

(Winter storm Nika)

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Information coming to me from various different sources points that Freyr wants an intensely intimate relationship with me. I keep running in proverbial circles and attempting to dodge the subject because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have been put on notice that my time of running in circles is over. I am sitting here trying to break down the reasons why I am so terribly convinced that this is so much more then what I am qualified for.

I keep boiling it down to I'm scared to reach for something more. It keeps getting said to me that I am to be his god-spouse and I... I flail and retort with 'I don't know enough to do that. I'm not qualified. I'm married already (with children). He wouldn't be my primary relationship. etc." The responses have been terribly calm and reducing it all back down to the fact that I am scared.

I suppose I have taken the first step down this path by agreeing to do what ever this thing that I am doing with him that I am doing right now. It feels terribly, terribly egocentric to say that I am a deity's girl friend. I flail and do the psychic 'hide behind my hands' thing but that doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Deities can see right through that, no matter how hard you strive to shield yourself.

MaterDraco suggested that I sit down and have a conversation with him like I would any human being. Her suggestion that I figure out what it is I'm looking for in a relationship with him just blew my mind. I'm left reeling and asking 'what on earth do you ask of a deity who wants you to be their bride?' I feel that I have moved out into terribly, terribly deep water and that my swimming skills are not up to the task of keeping myself afloat, never mind navigating the blue.

I suppose this is where it is a good thing that the god who is asking for this has a boat and knows how to sail?

Conversations with the gods...

So, I had a conversation with Loki and a conversation with Freyr last night. The one with Loki was harder then the one with Freyr, surprisingly. Both of them called me to task for despairing over my prognosis with my psychiatric issues. Loki was particularly direct in confronting me. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to allow myself to ignore my needs when I was depressed.

There were several times over the course of my most recent depressive episode that I was tempted and attempted to go with out eating. I was then struck with the most random situations where the urge to eat overwhelmed me. Some people would say that I'm ascribing to deities what was actually my bodily urges, but the weird part about the urge to eat was that I didn't feel hungry at all. I just felt that I had to eat something RIGHT NOW. And once I started on something small it some how turned into a normal sized meal. It was a normal sized meal comprised of things I wouldn't usually put together, but it was a normal sized meal.

In the depressed fog, I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't say anything about the fact that I was struggling with eating but I was pushed through that phase of the depression by these weird fits of I MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS. Looking back and considering the sternness with which Loki emphasized that I needed to make sure I ate properly, I am fairly certain that it was Loki's work that I felt that I had to eat when I did and how I did. Loki, in the midst of his solemn and most serious lecture, also called me on the carpet for not exercising.

He basically said that I had no excuse for not doing my back exercises at the very least. I was told that I had no right to deny myself health. I was about to argue that it was my body and I could do what I wanted with it when Loki brought up how my children and my husband were dependent upon me to remain in good health. That pretty much killed the sophomoric retort cold. I actually felt somewhat ashamed of that point.

It was a very uncomfortable discussion. I really didn't like having it put right into my face how selfish I was being in choosing to neglect my welfare. At the same time, he did make a point of reminding me that there are times where I will have difficulty doing the things that I must for my health. And he reminded me that it was alright so long as I made the attempt. I was also quite pointedly told that unless I was deprived of sleep, I was not to take naps during the day.

That is going to be hard to do. Loki wasn't telling me that I was a bad person for doing so. He told me that it was a symptom that I had to resist like the urges to harm myself. Loki said that my sleeping through the day until the kids got home was actually contributing to making my depression worse. I was actually told to drink coffee rather then give it to him in offering in the morning on those days. Knowing how much he loves his coffee, that made a big impression on me.

Freyr was a bit less brutal in what he had to say. It was a lot of the same kind of stuff that Loki had to say. He also gently chided me for not doing the journaling that my therapist and my psychiatrist told me to work on. I was also told that I was being foolish for insisting that I wasn't someone important. Freyr then listed out how I was important to people around me. Some of the things he mentioned I were aware of but I put aside because I was under the mistaken impression that to hold them up would to be immodest.

And then there were things like how people I knew as acquaintances on FB looked for my generally positive, wry commentary on life because it helped them get through the day. I was told how my sardonic sense of humor helps lift some people out of their own depressed days and my resilient courage in the face of my illness gives them hope. It was something of a shock. I thought that because I didn't have a lot of back and forth traffic on FB that people just kinda had me friended but didn't really have interest in interacting with me. Freyr also told me that I should step up and be more active socially on FB.

His argument was that if I can make myself more comfortable communicating with people via electronic media then I can become more comfortable doing it via face to face. He said FB because it was less effort then the other outlets that I have. I was also told to stop worrying about my readership with my writing.

On the whole the gods were very direct in what they had

Diamonds and Trees

Something I saw on FB reminded me of a conversation that I've had a few times with Beloved. We both want our remains to be cremated when we die. I don't want to just sit in a box on a shelf, to be honest. No matter how pretty that box might be. Considering it all, I truly like the idea of having my ashes turned into diamonds. They figure they can get about nine diamonds out of the average body. As such, I would want three to go to each of the guys in my life.

Another option that I am interested in and would be more then happy to support is the idea of my ashes nurturing a tree. The prospect of my life feeding another life feels even more fitting then being turned into diamonds that could be passed down through the family. I don't know which option is going to be the right one for me when I expire. I do know, however, that planning and considering what I want done with my remains will make the day that I die easier for my living family members.

I love them and I don't want them to be struggling with these kinds of heart wrenching decisions in the midst of struggling with the grief of it all.

New Year, new efforts.

Waxing Wolf Moon (Age: 13 Days)

Sign: Cancer

Weather: Mild, partly cloudy, cool front

moving in from the west

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I have not been as diligent in updating here as I have been with my other blog. I intend to correct this. While I am probably not going to be updating one to two times every week, I am going to attempt to do so at the very least near the full moon. So much has happened since my last post, I'm not exactly sure where to begin. I find it very... telling that my last entry in here was discussing the Dead.

Aug. 22, 2013, my paternal grandfather died due to complications from his brain cancer. It was near when I did my last post that I saw my grandfather still ambulatory and he had the beginnings of the shroud around him. I knew that he was going to die soon, I just wasn't sure how soon. The night of Aug. 21, I saw Bifrost in the sky. Some people would say that it was nothing more then atmospheric phenomena. I'm sure that Grandpa would have chuckled and said that too.

At the time he died, I looked up at the sky on a pull of intuition and I saw Bifrost again. There were no rain clouds and the apparent rainbow wasn't where it would typically be in the case of a sundog or a halo. When I spoke to my Mom later on the phone, I had chills when she told me what time he died. I find myself curious if I'll be seeing the Rainbow Bridge when it draws close to when my paternal Grandmother or any other relatives die.

Peace is an uneasy thing between my parents and I. We're making an effort. As such, we went to Thanksgiving dinner and had planned to stop by Christmas Eve. That went awry when the kids got sick. I must admit, it is a curious thing. Perhaps it is merely bad timing. But this makes two years in a row that we planned to go and visit my side of the family around Christmas and people got sick at the last minute. (A part of me wonders if they assume that we're just making excuses or not. I try not to perseverate on that overly much.) New Year's eve and day were yet another go-round with everybody being sick at my place. It finally cleared up in time for the kids to go to school.

On the witchery front, things have been fairly quiet due to everything that has been going on. I have done a few hex breakings, a spell to restore lost and stolen goods to their rightful owners, and a few healing spells. I have also been lighting candles for people who have been in need of Divine assistance. Slowly, my little notebook of people I pray for has been growing. I am going to put out a public note (here and elsewhere) that if people would like me to pray for them, they should let me know. 

Every Monday, I pray a variant of the Rosary (when I have time or remember). Dea has been forgiving of my difficulties when I am not able to do so. Since Yule, I have been keeping a light on the altar at all times. It's just something that I felt pulled to do. I'm not sure how much longer I should keep doing it. I figure the gods will let me know one way or the other. I keep a light in my little 'hearth' (a soapstone oil burner with an electric votive candle) for Brighid.

I give Loki a cup of coffee just about daily. I am getting over my anxiety about Freyr being interested in me. I have a little portable shrine that I made for him sitting on the altar. I felt like that was something appropriate to do. I have been keeping a little electric candle there too. Freyr has been getting tea. I have been writing for him as well. It's been exceptionally awkward for me to be writing adult literature for him but it seems to be something he appreciates.

At his urging, I have been putting more serious effort into my writing. I have been dedicating the time I put in on that work to him as well. I pledged that from the solstice to the equinox, I would give being one of his 'people' a try. It's nerve wracking but I'm realizing that most of the problem is me proverbially stumbling over my own feet. I feel fortunate that Freyr's response to this has been patience and more then a little bit of good humor. I get the impression that he finds my awkwardness around him endearing.

Dea has ever so quietly been making it know that she wants me to continue my work on the Veiled Witch blog and that my half baked idea of writing another book of prayers (this time being an adaptation of the book of psalms) should be made into a reality. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. It has been a very strange and very challenging last few weeks.

I think that I am in the midst of making strides, though I have no idea where this is all going. The gods just smile at me and the Dead are all being my cheering section. I suppose this is where one takes that step forward in faith and trust that they will be caught as they tumble into the abyss. I hate the sensation of falling but I suppose that is the first step towards learning to fly.

New Moon Musings

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 2 Days)

Sign: Virgo, void of course @ 7 pm

Weather: Cloudy, rainy

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I missed the exact date of the New Moon, but I am still going to do my monthly ramble. I sit here with a legacy of my deceased Aunt Shawn on. I can feel her with me. She has no commentary or anything to share, but her presence is a comfort. I keep looking at the ring and wishing that I hadn't pushed her away from me during the last year of her life.

I think back to when I was younger and I see a mixture of good and bad memories. I reflect on the past and I try to keep up this practicing of mindful kindness towards myself. Aunt Shawn was a big part of my life. I loved her deeply and I still do. I think she's proud of what I have done with my life. I think that she would have seen the kind of mother I am and been pleased with what I am doing. I am more then a little bit certain that she is would be proud of what I have accomplished with my education and my spiritual growth. 

I try to spend a little time during the New Moon reconnecting with the beloved Dead from my life. Today, I sit here drinking Red Rose tea with heaps of sugar in it, like I had when I was younger and visiting her and my Auntie Adrian. I'm wearing her ring on my first finger of my right hand, just as she wore it on hers. Sometimes, reminiscing and sharing the company of the Dead is a stronger way to reconnect then all the fancy rituals you can think of.

Hail to the Dead! May you find peace in your repose. May your memory be praised and loved.